Switching Seats on the Titanic

April 24, 2017 in Uncategorized

I am totally incapable of overcoming food addiction in my own strength.  Try as I might, my efforts to escape this nightmare seem pointless in the end.  I sit in my prison cell plotting my escape.  Devising plans that ‘maybe this time’ will work.   Night falls and I prepare my prison break!  Like Andy from Shawshank Redemption,  I chisel my way through to the other side.  Nothing is easy though.  It’s no simple plan.  I must crawl like he did through a river of sh*t to escape!!  But I do it.  I make it!! And I emerge on the other side to bathe in the rain and cry for joy that I am finally free.  But while I rest easy for once,  the alarm bells ring out!! My cell has been found empty.  My escape has been discovered.   Sound the alarm! Unleash the hounds!!  I am hunted like the prey I am by a hunter who never sleeps.

So I must run.  I must find a place to hide.  Somewhere I will not be captured.  Where I will not be forcibly taken back to the cell from which I only just escaped.   I don’t want to go back to the food. To a life where hunger invades my every thought.  Where I wake up hungry.  Where I even wake in the night to the refrigerator’s calls.  A life where my every waking hour is spent trying NOT to give in.  It’s no way to live.  Never having any peace.  Always holding back the tidal wave that threatens to drown you.

You leave your prison cell behind.  Even though it’s comfortable after so many years.  You escape and you’re free.  But soon it will happen again.  The anxiety.  Some life circumstance.  Perhaps some trigger that drives you back.  What will you do without your old prison cell? The coping mechanism you’ve come to both hate and yet crave.  The hounds are on your heels and soon you know the car will go where it always goes.  Back to the food aisle.  The drive thru.  The prison cell from which you just escaped.

So you run.  You look for a fresh hiding place.  And you find it.  Not in a pizza box.   Not in a donut box.  But in a bottle where the wine freely flows.  For a time, it is quiet.  Your camouflage is effective.  The food no longer calls your name.  You are free.  But something more dangerous has replaced it.  Something that will kill you even quicker if you let it.  You have called off the hunters only to replace them with something deadlier.  You thought they had put down their rifles and walked away.

And they did.

But only to return with bigger weapons.  Bigger rifles.  And this time–an army.

If you are addicted to food—beware.  It’s not simply the food that will call you.  Anything will work as a substitute if you let it.  And if you refuse to let the food capture you again, they will simply bring in the big guns.  And take you down with something even deadlier.

I thought I had requested a stay of execution.  I thought I had negotiated my release!! A pardon!! I walked out of food addiction to what I believed was freedom.  But no indeed! That was not the case.  The car that came to pick me up was not my ride to freedom at all.  It was merely a transfer vehicle.  Like a prisoner who asks to be moved to another location in hopes that it will be better than the last place they stayed.

From the frying pan into the fire

Hell’s flames replaced with a blaze!  You thought the 3 alarm fire was bad.  You thought the misery of obesity was the worst.    Wait until the flames of alcohol hit the forest and the entire place is set ablaze! It is no place to run.  And that is exactly what will happen when transfer addiction takes place.

Transfer addiction is switching seats on the titanic.  It’s throwing water on a grease fire.  You think you’re helping your situation but you’re only  making it worse.

I don’t HAVE an alcohol problem.  I don’t HAVE an issue with wine.

Maybe you don’t NOW.  But if you can become addicted to sugar—then you can become addicted to alcohol.

It’s funny, right? You think pouring water on a fire would HELP.   And the same is true of this.  I don’t want to go back to my prison.  I don’t want to go back to food.   But if a fire is raging and I can’t reach for sugar to quell it—then what will I do?? What can I use to extinguish it?? I already know food will work for a time but I also know the hell it brings.  I’ve worked so hard to get away from that way of life.  Why would I ever go back?

The fire keeps burning though.  And I have to put it out.

I reach for that liquid.  And I pour it all over the fire.  What happens next??

Explosion

I tried not to go back to food.  But in my effort to remain free, I poured liquid all over that fire.  Just like water on a grease fire, I poured alcohol down my throat instead of food.  And instead of the slow burn of obesity, I got the quick explosion.

Obesity will kill you.  That’s for sure.  It’s a deadly addiction but it’s slow.  It takes its time.  It won’t happen overnight.  You may live a long life killing yourself with a fork.  It takes a lot of stabs to get the job done.  But alcohol.  That’s no joke.  If you’re tired of food addiction taking so long to get the job done, alcohol is switching from the back road to the highway.

If you thought eating yourself to death was miserable, you were right.   It is.. But it’s slow

Its taking the scenic route to your own demise.  Watching your death in slow motion.

Replace food with alcohol and you’re not on the back roads anymore.   You’re on a highway headed for a construction zone.  You’re flying through the barrels and ready to fly straight off the bridge into oblivion.   If you thought struggling with food was bad, start celebrating your freedom from it with champagne.  And then wait for that elevator to take you to a level of hell you didn’t know existed.

You thought the humiliation of being over 400 pounds was rough.  You thought that was as bad as it could get.  Take the elevator down a few levels to what lies in wait for you at the end of a vodka bottle.  Pour liquid on that grease fire and watch the whole place blow up!

This has been my life for the past several years.  I thought I had escaped but I was wrong.  I DID escape for a time.  But I didn’t stay free.   And my freedom from food came with a price.  One too great to bear.

I actually went to Alcoholics Anonymous when I decided alcohol was becoming too much of a problem for me.  It was strange to say the least.  To show up there in my mid 40’s having never had a real problem before.   I didn’t know if I was an alcoholic.  I rather feel more comfortable calling myself a food addict.  Compulsive Overeater.  Binge eater.  That’s what I’m accustomed to.  That’s what I know.  I’ve been in and out of THOSE 12 step meetings for the past 20 years.  But alcohol? That wasn’t a problem.  Not until I gave up sugar.

You know what I found at Alcoholics Anonymous?

CAKE

DONUTS

CANDY

As a matter of fact, at the first meeting I attended a woman literally walked around and put candy on the table at everyone’s seat.  The second meeting I went to they passed a bowl around full of starburst.  The third meeting I went to they brought cake.  And I was advised on page 134 of the Big Book to “constantly have chocolate available”.   It further addressed this issue by stating that should I have a craving in the middle of the night, it would be “satisfied by candy”.   It even went so far as to say that the practice of eating sweets was beneficial to anyone trying to stop drinking alcohol!

This is not a one way street.  It’s clear this road has two lanes.  One may be sugar and the other may be wine but if you’re weaving in and out of both lanes you’ll wreck all the same. One lane just seems to drive faster into the fire than the other.

It appeared to me there was no escape.  It was clear now the fire was going to rage.  I could put it out with food or I could put it out with liquor.  But alcohol seemed to be a far deadlier method than food.  So I picked the lesser of two evils.  Like an escapee who is done running.  Tired of always hiding in the bushes and sleeping with one eye open.  I emerged defeated with my hands behind my back.  Go ahead, I said.  Cuff me.  Take me back to prison.  But let me go back to my old prison cell.  The one with food.  I felt safer there.  So I gained back 100 pounds .

I was a prisoner who escaped.  With great effort, I ran towards freedom.  But my freedom was short lived.  Just as the alcoholic was advised to eat chocolate.  I was advised (by myself) to drink some wine in the evening rather than eat.  I wasn’t an alcoholic after all.  And I couldn’t become one now, could I?  I’m a Mom.  I’m in my 40’s.  No one arrives in their 40’s with a spontaneous drinking problem, do they?  What kind of sense does that make?

If ‘something’ was needed to put out the fire, why not pour liquid on it instead of chocolate? Why not drink a little wine?

But as time went on, I found the amount of alcohol required to get the job done increased substantially.  I kept trying to put out the fires of my life with wine instead of food.  And as I began to sense trouble brewing,  I willingly accepted the idea of having an alcohol problem as an acceptable alternative.  So desperate was I to NOT gain back the weight.

SERIOUSLY…this conversation happened in my head.  I realized I was using alcohol too often for stress but I began to think…ok…well…

At least I’ll be thin

I was so desperate to maintain my weight loss that I was willing to develop a new problem just not to go back to my old one.

Like an old movie where you sell your soul to the devil

Before long, I was in a deeper part of hell than I had ever anticipated.

If your ship is going down, does it really matter which seat you’re in?  Switching seats on the Titanic won’t save you.

I return again and again to what appears to be my fate.  Try as I might, nothing ever changes long term.  Even if I am able for a time to release the choke hold food has on my life, I find it is almost immediately replaced with something else like alcohol. Even cigarettes!  I’m not even a smoker! But at one point I literally thought…maybe I should be! Anything to not give into the food. How insane can I get? The very moment I exit one prison cell, I am thrown squarely into another.   Like a prisoner who requests to be moved to a different location.  I fill out my paperwork begging for a transfer. But I don’t need another transfer.  A transfer is still prison.  I need a release. I need total freedom FROM destructive substances that provide temporary relief while creating additional problems.

When life gets too overwhelming for me, I struggle to find the peace I need from God. I go to Him but I always want to bring a sidekick with me.  Something that will feel immediate.  A quick release.  Because life happens and in that moment I need something tangible to get me through.  When things pile up on me, I just don’t seem to be satisfied with prayer.  Meditation.  Or even the knowledge that God WILL get me through.  I always clung to God as a lifeline.  And He was there for me.  I just never realized how MUCH I also depended on the food until I tried to give it up.  My Bible was under one pillow.  But M and M’s were under the other one.  It’s like I have decided on my own that He won’t be enough.  And I reach for whatever is behind door number three.

I keep waiting for things to “calm down”.  For life to “slow down”.  For things to ‘even out’ so that I can focus on this issue.  So I can get back to the business of weight loss.  But try as I may, life only speeds up.

In the past month, my air conditioner sprung a leak which is under the house and will require thousands of dollars to repair.  My refrigerator decided to break. My dishwasher decided to break AND now my kitchen sink is backed up.  We had a hail storm and now I have a leak in my roof.  I forgot to put the trash out so I missed my weekly pick up and maggots developed in the trashcan. EWWWWWW!   A bee built a hive right outside my door and when I opened the window to let some air in (since the AC was broken) bees flew in and I had to run like a maniac trying to kill all of them while the children ducked for cover.

You know what?? Life isn’t going to slow down.  It’s not going to calm down, ease off, even out or otherwise cut me some slack.

If I keep waiting for things to ‘calm down’, I’ll be in the grave before it happens.   I have to find a way even in the fire to reach for more than a swiss cake roll and a glass of wine.  Paul said “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”-Phillippians 4:12    This is the answer.  To have peace in the midst of all circumstances.  Peace that comes from God.  Not food.  Not alcohol.  To find that is to find the solution.

I know the answers.  I just repeatedly fail to follow them.  I’m like someone who has been hypnotized to suddenly go into a trance at the sound of a bell.  I am Pavlov’s dog.  The perfect example of classical conditioning.  I have all the good intentions in the world and I’m totally in control.  Then someone rings the bell and I fall into a trance.  With my arms out in a hypnotic state, I walk straight back into donuts.  Suddenly I awaken and go “What happened??” …”How did I do this AGAIN?”

Beating addiction (whether to food, alcohol or whatever else calls your name) is no joke.  It’s definitely the battle of my life.  One thing I know to be true though.  I”m not alone.

I disappear at times from my blog and yet people still write me.  People leave comments on old posts just to say hello.  A reader of my blog who is now a friend even tagged me on Facebook to say “Where the heck are you?? You are missed”.  I think it’s pretty amazing to wake up to that.  To people who even after months (or shoot…at this point..years) remember me even when I’m absent.   In the midst of bee hives and broken air conditioners in the Texas heat—someone out there takes the time to tell me I matter.   And I cannot underestimate the impact that it has on me.   It attacks the lies that often fill my mind.  The voices in my head that scream —“Holly, You suck at life ;0)) !!  Nothing you do makes a difference!  And tomorrow will just be another day of failure!

This has been long.  I’m sorry.  I’m either silent or rattling on endlessly.  But this is what I had to say today.   In spite of everything I’ve told you,  I still think things are looking up.  Believe it or not, I’m doing a few things right.  I should probably tell you about them so you don’t think all is lost!  I’ve made small progress in certain areas and that gives me hope.  I will keep at it.  I will keep trying.  I will keep fighting.  What else is there really to do?

We can’t win if we give up.  We can’t overcome if we don’t keep trying.  And why should I expect this to be easy?  Why should I expect there not to be highs and lows?  Why should I not go through the valley? Why should I not have a broken refrigerator and a swarm of bees in my kitchen! Come on, Holly.  This is life. This is what it IS! Grab hold of it and get back on the ride!  It’s in these times we are tested.  It’s in these times where we get to decide if we keep walking forward in the dark or give up for eternity.  So I think I’ll just keep going.  Because sometimes all you can do is hang on.

Tie a knot and just hang on.

Whose with me?

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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Lea G April 24, 2017 at 7:38 pm

Glad you’re back, I was missing you! Always a pleasure to read your posts, sending prayers your way. 🙂

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Connie April 24, 2017 at 7:46 pm

I’m with you sweetie! Just got to keep on keeping on.

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Lauren G. April 24, 2017 at 8:33 pm

So glad you’re back writing. I am so sorry you’ve had a time of it. I have the same issues with trying to always be the one in control rather than let God take over. I try to let go but after so many years of not having Him in my life, it’s still so hard. I also had the transfer addiction issue awhile back. I switched to wine and it was 1 glass 3 nights a week, then every night. Then it was 2 glasses, then 3. I couldn’t figure out why I was running out of wine (I usually kept 4-5 bottles on hand) and was heading to the wine store every week. I would have 1 bottle last a week and all of a sudden I was needing to restock weekly. I was drinking a bottle + a night. I was also going out for drinks several nights a month with friends. But I was losing weight and looking good!! My turning point was getting pregnant unexpectedly. I had to give up the alcohol completely and immediately. Oh boy, withdrawal city!! But I was pregnant so I could eat! Yeah, that baby girl is now 2 and I’m still trying to get rid of the weight I gained. I’ve been going to karate with my older daughter for a few months and it’s helping. I am also working on giving it over to God and have recommitted myself to Him and I’ve gotten back to church. Much love and prayers to you and your family.

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Margaret Wolfinbarger April 24, 2017 at 8:36 pm

Boy oh Boy! Yes, transfer addiction. I hate it when that happens (I say that tongue in cheek knowing full well what it feels like). HELL. I actually find this interesting because I learned about sugar addiction from Kathleen Des Maisons, author of Potatoes not Prozac. She developed a program for sugar addicts based on research developed out of her work with alcoholics. I learned so much from her. Also, a good book was, The Disease of More” written by anonymous. But all of that to say, books don’t cure us do they?

I’ve missed your blogs and am glad to see this one. Keep fighting. Keep striving. You’re children need you. And we need your voice.
Margaret Wolfinbarger recently posted..Annoying Nelly and the VGFMy Profile

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Lou April 24, 2017 at 8:41 pm

Margaret Wolfinbarger — I thought right away of Kathleen Des Maisons book as well when I was reading Holly’s post about the connection between sugar addiction and alcoholism.

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Lou April 24, 2017 at 8:40 pm

I’M IN!! Holly, your post reminded me of someone I worked with who, like myself, had an ongoing struggle with her weight. She went on a diet and lost some weight, but now she struggled with the loss of food. She took up smoking, and the weight came off effortlessly. When she felt low or wanting to eat, she grabbed a smoke. She said, hey at least I’m skinny! I felt for her, but I knew this is easily me when I attempt to give up sugar. I turn to other escapes: books, games, anything not to face reality.

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Meg April 24, 2017 at 9:08 pm

Keep doing your best each day! Not everyday will look the same, but making progress and saying yes to good things adds up! At least that is what I tell myself 🙂

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R Kenney April 25, 2017 at 12:00 am

You’re back! First things first …

If we’re not getting better, we’re getting worse. And this is a giant step toward better!

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Lisa April 24, 2017 at 11:23 pm

Thanks for sharing!!! You are not alone.

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Lori April 25, 2017 at 12:52 am

I always love reading your words. They have such power to them. Life can be hard at times, house, kids, food….. You are still trying and sometimes that all you can do. Hugs!!!
Lori recently posted..Love Is In The AirMy Profile

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Vicki April 25, 2017 at 1:02 am

Your post triggered a thought about both of us. We both need some kind of pacifier when things get tense. It IS like’s Pavlov’s dog: Boss got upset with me? I can’t get to the vending machine for chocolate fast enough. Remember when you wrote about watching a train, comparing it to hunger? Knowing it is just a feeling & can’t hurt us; it will pass? Why can’t we just FEEL our feelings? Why do we completely panic until we can put something in our mouth to let us stop feeling the bad?? What are we, toddlers?! I am SO struggling with this right now. And I think you & I are very much alike. I don’t have an answer. But at least neither of us has stopped examining & seeking. That would be the only true failure. I will include you in my prayers, sister.

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Brenda April 25, 2017 at 1:51 am

“Shawshank Redemption” is one of my favorite movies and books. From now on, when 9PM rolls around and I’m desperate to binge on a bunch of carbs, I will remember Tim Robbins as Andy Dufresne crawling through that sewer pipe with everything he owns in a plastic bag tied to his ankle. I found your blog through Sean Anderson’s, and I’ve been lurking here for quite awhile, always hoping that you kept posting and hanging in there, even when things weren’t going so great. Hugs to you, dear Holly.

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Mickie Gibbs April 25, 2017 at 2:08 am

It’s so good to see you post. You HAVE been missed!

I’m praying for you.

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Patti April 25, 2017 at 10:58 am

Hi Holly. I want to suggest a book to you in kindness and love that has helped me understand why I keep repeating the same old thing over for over 40 years. Bright Line Eating by Susan Thompson Pierce. This book showed up in my Amozon feed– what I know now to be a direct answer to prayer. I am praying for you. Psalm 19 has been a comfort to me too. xo

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Joanna April 25, 2017 at 11:10 am

I read this quote by Winston Churchill that I absolutely love. ‘When you’re in hell keep going.’ Keep going, Holly. I don’t personally know you, but I get excited when I see something you post. You matter more than you know.

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Susan Reese April 25, 2017 at 12:05 pm

Hi Holly, you are such a gifted writer and I too look forward to your posts. I read this before I went to choir practice last night and one of the songs we were working on had these words “The power of Jesus can break these chains”. I was thinking of you as I sang that. ❤️Susan

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Faith April 25, 2017 at 3:32 pm

Hey Holly,
Just wanted to let you know that I think about you and hope that life stops throwing you so many curve balls. Your struggle always speaks to me as it resonates with some of my own problems. You are not alone. Many hugs.

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LHA April 26, 2017 at 1:06 am

Holly, I was so glad to see your post, and equally sorry that you are having such a struggle right now! Even though you do not believe it at this moment, you are a person of incredible strength. You have succeeded at losing a large quantity of weight, you have faced problems with alcohol, you are raising four children alone after what sounds like a difficult divorce, and you have inspired many people with your blog. Your successes far outnumber your failures. Most important of all, you are still working to find answers to the problems that plague you! Addiction is a tough nut to crack, no matter what that addiction is. I urge you to reach out to any person or organization that you think will help you and keep doing that until you find peace again. I have been struggling lately to maintain a weight loss, and I have to repeat to myself many times over each day: “There is only one way out of this, and that is to eat the way you know is right.” I put down the guilt I felt about eating poorly for a while and regaining a few pounds, as that was helping nothing. I often thought of you and how hard you have worked and how many times you have had to face a challenge and it gives me courage and inspiration. Even trying and slipping over and over is better than giving up totally in my book, and you are the one who has taught me that! Sending you all good thoughts and hope sincerely that your life will become a little easier and the way will become clear to you.

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Dee April 26, 2017 at 10:13 am

Hello lovely. We still see it you know, the spirit that lies underneath your words…and I know you’ll never give up. Once again I identify with everything you said. For me, my transfer addiction wasn’t alcohol…one glass of anything and I’m ridiculous for ten minutes then I fall asleep. No, for me it was – is – shopping. Spending money that I often don’t have on things I usually don’t need and often never use. Go figure, right?
Keep fighting the good fight, you’re a special lady and you inspire us all with your pin-sharp insight and self-reflection. Fond regards, Dee 🙂
Dee recently posted..An Appointment With The Poorly BlanketMy Profile

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Bonnie April 26, 2017 at 1:57 pm

I find myself asking God for strength quite often. I was reading Psalms yesterday and kept coming across passages that said God “is my strength”. I don’t know why that hit me differently yesterday than it had all the other times I’ve read those same passages. I don’t need to ask God for strength. I just need to turn to Him because He IS my strength. So often I try to do things on my own without asking for or accepting offered help. It never quite works out the way I intend it to. So I’m trying to remember to turn to God because He IS my strength. Continued prayers. Keep writing and sharing!

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Anneli April 26, 2017 at 2:44 pm

Hi Holly,

I love it when you write. I’m reminded of one of the great Mormon hymns that was written while they were trudging across the plains. They had lost everything, including children and other loved ones. One verse goes:

Why should we mourn, or think our lot is hard?
Tis not so. All is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now, shun the fight?

I admire your courage and your fighting spirit. Someday, in this life or the next, I believe that you will be set free. God promises us that He “will make weak things become strong.” There is hope!
Love,
Anneli

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Andrea April 26, 2017 at 7:16 pm

Wasn’t it you that said, “Never lose hope”? Keep your eye on the prize. See it, smell it, reach for it – 24/7. You can do this. WE can do this. One step at a time. Don’t look back. Just keep your eye on the prize.

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sarahjb April 26, 2017 at 9:53 pm

Dear Holly, Your leaking roof from the storm should be covered by your homeowners’ policy. Since household appliances like to break on you, I highly recommend purchasing a policy that covers all of the misc. breakdowns in your home. I have American Home Shield – there are many other reputable policies. If they can’t fix it, they replace it. As for the food issues, know that you are not alone in the quagmire of day to day struggles. Sugar is my absolute favorite and I fight the urge to skip real food and eat it instead. Do your best, love your kids, and pray. Blessings.

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Kellie April 27, 2017 at 5:46 pm

I so enjoy reading your thoughts. You are quite a good writer! You have a way of phrasing, which is impactful and hits all the right places. I had to share this thought with you first and foremost before anything else. I hope you don’t mind. 🙂

Your story, my story, all of these stories of being addicted to food intrigues me beyond the general consensus of “me too!”. I mean, how did we get like this? How did we become addicted to this stuff? Is it in our general makeup or DNA? Why are these habits so hard to untangle from? Why is it that when we’ve reached the peak of the mountain that we can’t stay there?

It all feels unfair somehow. Can you imagine the amount of energy we’d have for other things if our minds weren’t always occupied on making the right food choices?

That said, I appreciate your bravery in sharing your journey with us. It’s not easy to admit things. In this day and age of social media, people only seem to share when they are winning but stay super quiet with their struggles. Of course, I do the same. It’s all about image projection, right? Still, the struggles are what make us stronger than we could ever imagine. As shitty and debilitating as struggle can be, it’s a beautiful thing once you overcome it!

According to my therapist, transfer addiction happens when you haven’t fully dealt with the things you need to deal with in order to move on.

I’m still very much in the trial and error stage of my own journey. Recently, I have begun to start calling things out. If i’m feeling overwhelmed, pissed or sad about something or even if I don’t feel quite right emotionally, I call it out. Then, I begin to break it down and understand what it is that caused the feelings.

Anyway, I appreciate you. Thank you for taking the time to write!
Kellie recently posted..Keto & Off-Plan MomentsMy Profile

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Tara April 28, 2017 at 3:52 pm

>>>>A life where my every waking hour is spent trying NOT to give in. It’s no way to live. Never having any peace. Always holding back the tidal wave that threatens to drown you.<<<<

Boy, do I identify with this. Sometimes it's really hard to think about the fact that I finally understand that I have to be on a diet every day for the rest of my life. (I know what people will say; they'll say "make a lifestyle change, don't go on a diet!" Whatever–SEMANTICS. Either way, I have to resist every day for the rest of my life. The thought is so tiring. I just keep trying to remind myself that the only thing harder and MORE tiring is not feeling physically well, or fitting into clothes, or liking the way I look, or liking myself period.

I think you're awesome, Holly. And I am right there with you in this struggle.

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adam April 29, 2017 at 2:16 am

I think you’re awesome, Holly. And I am right there with you in this struggle.
adam recently posted..Hollywood Stars Using ClenbuterolMy Profile

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K April 29, 2017 at 4:56 pm

So good to hear your voice again! Praying peace, love, goodness and happiness for you and your family.

At times it’s as if we share the same brain. When panic, fear, anger and sadness start to threaten or convince me that all is doomed, pointless, overwhelming beyond my being, my mind believes those lies of the enemy. The struggle is real.

But I am so grateful for Knowing that God has already won the battle and nothing can separate me from Him. And so thankful that his promises are written so I can go back to them over and over. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.

I do often wonder though why I have to carry these particular burdens. Some day in heaven I will know or not care!

But for today I only have to do today. How I interact with others and treat myself is everything. Am I reflecting God’s light to the world despite my circumstances? I’m done making my life about my weight. I’m done trying to control that. Maybe that fruit of the spirit is more about having self control over my human nature who wants to believe I make it happen and TRUSTING that God knows what he’s doing in regard to me and food. In each moment I can choose to eat whatever I want. I just need to ask myself, “Will this nuture me to show up as loving and God’s reflection?” I’m done beating myself up because I weigh 357 lbs. If God needs me different, then the shift comes from Him. I have proven time and time again that I am not able to do this life in my own strength.

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LN April 30, 2017 at 2:08 am

Have worried about you and wondered how you were doing. Things must be a little better because you did post. You are such a talented person regardless of your tough weight issues. I do love and admire you through your writings. God bless you. LN

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Shay from Trashy Blog April 30, 2017 at 6:05 pm

Never lose hope is right! Just keep going, Holly, putting one foot in front of the other and trying as hard as you can to enjoy life.
Shay from Trashy Blog recently posted..Wedding Season (aka “Three Ways to Get Kicked out of a Wedding”)My Profile

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Robin May 1, 2017 at 11:30 am

Have you turned to your brother for help? And are you working? Just wondering.

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Lauri May 1, 2017 at 5:33 pm

I’m so tired of the fight. I too have gained back much of my weight and I too, have a food addiction. I am fighting alcohol as well. I never thought I’d get a transfer addiction but it seems I have. And I fight and fight until I just get too tired to fight. I’m with you Holly and I understand just how it feels.

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tb May 11, 2017 at 6:43 pm

Dear Holly, hi there, hope all is well. I am trying to hold off two hundred pounds, and with you it is three hundred, so I can relate because two hundred keeps looming and threatening! Although I understand that three hundred is more frustrating than two hundred, because that is one hundred pounds more, but I am still concerned because I don’t want to gain any more weight! Same as you, I know you are worried too. I never thought I would be this heavy!! However, I am finding ways to make small improvements. I feel a bit hopeful. I also squeeze in exercise all the time, even just doing muscle squeezes and stretches while cooking, brushing my teeth, washing my hands, while on the phone, while reading or writing, just about anything. If I am being lazy in bed, then I do stretches while lying there. I fit it in all the time. I think it helps, really. Can’t wait to hear about your latest progress and things that are going right which you mentioned. They might be small things, but that is okay!! Blessings!!!! I am trying to do sit ups and abdominal exercises while watching Netflix these days too. And hamstring strengthening. Calves too. Gotta do it!!

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Lori May 14, 2017 at 3:28 am

Hi, Holly. Though I don’t comment much, I’ve read your blog for years, and I feel like I know you a little. I hope things are going well for you. And I just felt compelled to come over and tell you how special you are! You have this light about you. You’re so smart and funny, and beautiful inside and out. None of us are perfect–I know I’m sure not! But you’re an amazing person, and I just wanted to tell you that. I hope you have a beautiful Mother’s Day. God bless you.

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Sheryl June 23, 2017 at 12:09 pm

you are so brave to put your heart and thoughts so honestly out for everyone to read. You are helping a lot of us just to know we are not alone and crazy. I’ve been binging for years . Just when you think you will never do it again it sneaks up on you. I read one of your older posts about setting the clock and having a protein shake every 2 hours to get control again. It has definitely helped me . As much as I think I don’t want to be in a low carb box the rest of my life, it really is the only place I feel free from the constant thoughts of food and eating. The chains are broken when I eat no carbs . I’m free and then get scared and run back to sugar where I’m warm and fuzzy but under its control. You give me courage and strength and you are totally right if we wait for life to not be messy to start participating 100% then we will continue to eat ourselves to death. It’s time to hold onto God with both hands and all our trust and walk boldly with a spirit of strength through this life looking at food as nothing more than fuel because for people like us that’s all we can allow it to be in our lives because if we give an inch it becomes our everything. Please keep blogging and encouraging !!!! God Bless

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Ravika August 1, 2017 at 12:36 pm

The other side of weight loss surgery – susceptibility to alcoholism. Great write-up! And hey I have a nice infographic on increased vulnerability of people to alcoholism after bariatric surgery. Would you like to feature it on your post. Visuals can go a long way in increasing the appeal of your post. What do you think?

PS- I have been actively generating bariatric-centric content for more than 6 years.

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