Food Is My Person

February 8, 2017 in Uncategorized

They say food is fuel.   That’s not the case for me.

Food is my fuel in the way your boyfriend is  ‘transportation’.  Sure he drops you off at work…but does that make him a bus?

No. He’s a person.

A person you’re having a relationship with.

I mean…sometimes he’s “transportation”.   But when you break up, do you list him on auto trader? Probably not.  Because  he isn’t a car.  He’s a relationship.

And my relationship is with food. 

Have you ever broken up with someone only to get back together? I’ve done that a thousand times.

The first time I lost a large amount of weight was around 1991 when I lost 50 pounds on Jenny Craig.  I gained it all back plus some.  So I lost 75 pounds by starving myself and overexercising.  I was in my early 20’s.  Seemed like a good idea at the time! Until I gained it all back.  I did variations of this for years on and off different diets and medications until I had finally gotten over 300 pounds.  And then I read a book about sugar.  It was the first time I connected the dots on that issue.  The first time I got a sign that something else other than a psychological episode was happening to make me overeat.   After learning the basics of sugar addiction,   I lost 108 pounds.  I was cured! That was in 2003.

And by 2011, I had gained it all back and then doubled it.

Double or nothing! LET’S GO!

You know what happened then.   Because then I met YOU.  And I set out once again to lose it all.

I lost 250 pounds and here we are again.  It’s 2017 and I’ve gained over 100 pounds back.

My greatest fear is going for double or nothing again.  Pretty sure the stakes keep getting higher.

Do you remember who you were dating (or married to)  in 1997?  Who your best friend was? Where you lived?  You could probably recall that without too much trouble.  But do you remember what you were eating in 1997? you remember specific days that you went shopping for food?  Because ‘normal’ people generally remember specific days for a reason.  Something that stands out.  Something memorable.  I can’t remember a lot of things from 1997 but I can literally recall specific days of food shopping.  Where I was.  What I bought.  And that day is memorable to me for no other reason than the food.  Nothing happened.  I don’t remember it because I was caught in a thunderstorm on the way to the store.  Or because something earth shattering happened in the snack aisle.  Nope.  I just remember it the way some people remember a day you spent with an old friend from long ago.

And it’s lodged there in the recesses of my mind.  Taking up space.  Renting real estate.   So that I can’t remember where my keys are right now because too many files are used up with things like that.  Seemingly useless memories of the year I got obsessed with eating cake icing out of the can.

Can you timestamp your life by what your primary food obsession was THAT year? Because my oldest daughter turns 21 this month and I remember setting up the baby pool for her in the backyard the summer she was one.  I had a great beach bag I bought at the dollar tree for all her pool toys.  We lived on the military base at the time and so our backyard was like a community area.  I loved that bag but not so much because it held all her toys.  It held moon pies too.  A secret obsession I had that summer.  I was in a graham cracker phase that year.  Nothing compared to the ginger snap obsession I got into half a decade ago but memorable all the same.   I would pack moon pies in between the toys to eat while we were outside.  It’s kind of hard to eat moon pies on the sly but I made it work.

My years aren’t just categorized by “high school” or  “college”.  Like that was the year I was hanging out with Amy and Kelli.  Or that was the year Amanda and I were in summer school.

No– in my mind,  years are also remembered by the food I was “hanging out with”  that year.  That I can recall much more easily.

Some people don’t remember what they were eating in 1997. Some people actually remember their neighbors.  But  I remember the bakery thrift shop right around the corner from my house.  Money was tight back then as a young married couple with a new baby but at the bakery thrift shop Hostess could once again be mine!!  What would I do without it?

In 5th grade, I discovered a little shop buried in a nearby neighborhood.  I’d ask my parents if I could ride my bike.

Holly actually wants to go OUTSIDE voluntarily??!! And do something physically active??

Don’t question it! Just go with it! And off I went to the little shop I had discovered several blocks over.  There I could buy snacks and eat them in peace before heading home.  All under the guise of a bike ride.  Much of my 5th grade year is memorable due to discovering that shop.  I have a lot of childhood memories of sneaking off there.  I planned it.  I anticipated it.  Whenever I had money, off I went!

One year in high school I decided to join the crew team.  (Long story but I actually survived!) Other than the unbelievably insane amount of running and working out that I had to do that season (because you know I quit after that), all I recall is the bakery a block over where I would get two blueberry muffins and a coke on my way home.  It was all I looked forward to during practice.

Swiss cake rolls were my rebound.  They were my next relationship after my husband.   I used to keep them under my pillow when he left.  And for years I lived that way.  Boxes upon boxes stashed within an arms reach.  Bought like a necessity.

Never run out of toilet paper.

Never run out of swiss cake rolls.

I remember the joy of a new box.  The comfort that it brought me when it was filled to the brim.  How it felt to unwrap them.  The way the chocolate on each swiss cake roll seemed to chip off piece by piece.  Would I eat it bite by bite? Or unroll it to make it last longer?  And coupled with ice cold milk.  Not much to this day compares.

Most of you don’t look back on your food memories like that.  Your romance was with people.  Not food.   You were sneaking your boyfriend in through the window.  I was sneaking in food.

We both were in relationships.  Mine was just the silent type 😉

When I look back, I don’t ONLY recall the misery.  I don’t only recall the shame and the pain.

The inner beatings of my heart sing for chocolate.  Reminiscent of a song I once heard when my mother took me to see Cats on Broadway.

Food was much more to me than something physical.    It wasn’t an object.  It was the best friend I’ve ever had.

If Facebook posted an update on how long we—- food and I– had been friends….it would be too long to count . One of my earliest memories is sneaking into the pantry.  Maybe I was 4 years old.  Our friendship story would have too many pictures to choose from.  Our memories too many for one album.

Intellectually and rationally, I know that food is an inanimate object.  I know food does not have a heart.

How could it—for what it’s done to my life?

But I’m still pulled in by the memories.  Memories of what we’ve walked through in this life together.  Because like it or not, food has literally been with me through more trials and tribulations than any single individual in this world.

It’s not JUST that I am tricked by cravings. Because having been off of sugar for an entire year or more at a time, that part is no longer in play.  It’s the memories that come for me.  The memories that tell the story.

Sugar has been there for me when no one else was.   Always giving me hope and comfort when I needed it.

I survived my divorce with peanut M and M’s.

I’m actually not entirely sure what I would have done if not for them. 

You can only stay locked in the bathroom crying on the bathroom floor for so long when you have babies. The floor is cold.  Reality is harsh.  But food can be whatever temperature and texture you want.  And it’s always there.

Depression and anxiety are horrible masters of your soul.   The thought and promise of food has always been in many ways what kept me going.   It’s like asking me to give up the one and only thing I have had in my life that I know WILL help without delay.  Of course it’s miserable to live trapped in obesity.  But sometimes it feels more miserable without it.

Maybe that’s why I always go back.

I wouldn’t walk up to you and tell you how to fix your marriage.  If I do—run.  I’m divorced for a reason!

But I don’t know anything about your relationship.   If you’ve been married for 30 years there is a background there that I can never understand.  So I can’t tell you how to fix a relationship when I don’t know the history.

But I have a history too. A history with the most significant “person” in my life.

Only my person is not a person.

My person is food.

Do you ever watch Grey’s Anatomy?  If you have, you already know.


Yes, food is MY person.  And that’s why quitting sugar in and of itself is not the cure.  I’m not just eating food because it’s sweet. Because it gets in my system and causes cravings.  It’s more than that.

Food is quite simply the most significant long term relationship that I’ve ever had.

When my parents got divorced, I ate vanilla fudge swirl ice cream every day. When my first boyfriend broke up with me, I added reeses pieces to the ice cream which made our relationship even stronger.  When my husband left me, I was terrified.  I was alone.  I had no family or friends for thousands of miles.   I felt like killing myself but I couldn’t.  I wanted to live.  I just didn’t know how to survive on my own.

With  food–I never was on my own.  Never alone.

It’s led me through the darkest times of my life.  Held my hand and been my trusted friend. It was still with with me long after my husband left.  It outlived my mother.  It even outlasted my longest friendship.

Because sometimes husbands leave.  Sometimes mothers die.  And friends decide not to be friends anymore.

But food never leaves.  Never dies.  And there is nothing that you could ever say or do to make it walk away.

Someone who has lived decades of their life with food by their side—is not just going on a diet.

They’re going through a divorce.

And until I can wipe those memories or reframe them,  I really may never stop going back.

God is the One who can provide all this and more.  He is the One in reality who never leaves.  His love is everlasting.  His love never fails.  But in our human nature, we still look for something on this earth to walk through life together with us.  For some of us that’s what food has become.

Not everyone out there is having a relationship with food.  Some people are actually just using it for fuel like they’re supposed to!

But a few of us are married to it.   For some of us, food IS our best friend.

Untangling THAT MESS is more complicated than you could ever imagine.

Because when food is your person….you MISS your person.  You miss it like you miss your best friend.   That shoulder to cry on.  Your partner in crime.  Your calm in the chaos.

They say food isn’t love.  But sometimes I’m not sure.

If it’s not-then it’s pretty damn close.






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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Caron February 8, 2017 at 5:30 pm

This post, in a word, is profound. I can definitely relate.

In a lesser way, I identify with what you are saying. I remember the many trips we’ve made through the years as we moved 45+ times by what I ate at the different restaurants along the way. I can remember being so happy to be out of the car and inside a place that would give me “food, wonderful food.” I still fall back on food when I’m stressed or angry or unhappy, but I will admit I don’t get much past a couple of candy bars in one sitting or a pint of ice cream.

Thanks for sharing this with us. It does explain a lot of the “why” that I’ve wondered about as I read your posts.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:33 pm

45 times, Caron? Wow!!! That is stressful all by itself. I used to do more traveling when we moved around as the kids were younger. Long car trips were definitely a good excuse for me to eat! I sure remember those days!! I admire you making it through that many moves. I will never complain again about moving LOL


Joyce February 8, 2017 at 6:00 pm

Pretty deep stuff. I’m trying to think if I’ve ever felt similar feelings and I don’t think so. But that’s not to say I don’t feel for you, pray for you,.want the best for you.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:32 pm

Thanks Joyce!


Gwennie February 8, 2017 at 6:14 pm

Thanks for sharing this. For me, it’s not a relationship but my safe haven, which is why it’s been so hard & still is to beat it. So I can get an idea of where you’re coming from. I think it’s great you were able to figure this out & put it on paper…so to speak. Best of luck & can’t wait to see where things go next. Lots of hugs!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:32 pm

I guess safe haven is a better term for it than relationship. That’s exactly what I mean. Thank you so much and I appreciate you taking the time to write me!


Shan February 8, 2017 at 6:16 pm

I know exactly. Exactly. What you’re saying. Food is my person too. It’s the thing that supports me, holds my hand, is always there to either perk me up or carry me away. It’s my escape and my comfort. And while I know that’s magical thinking, I still have trouble getting past it. Thanks so much for your openness and honesty. It’s so nice to hear from someone else who isn’t able to just flip a switch and get on with their life. There are too many before and after photos in the world and not enough people talking about what it’s really like to suffer with this addictive behavior. Thank you.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:31 pm

Thank you Shan. I am glad someone gets me!! It isn’t good to know others have to struggle but it’s good to know I don’t struggle alone . Other people think like me too!


tb February 8, 2017 at 6:16 pm

Dear Holly, I always kind of need something also, just not always food. But I am always trying to escape sad memories or thoughts or something, and I am always reaching for some device or tool or technique or activity to make me feel better. Constantly. It is terrible. It drives me nuts. Sometimes I pick food, other times I watch movies endlessly, and another option might be to talk for hours with friends who might be sick of it by now. Other times, I try to be really nice with myself and I cook a great meal, go for a walk, clean the house, take a bath, and read a book. But it often does not work that way. Sometimes I exercise a lot, other times, I sleep my life away. I am floundering too I guess, but my choices are not always food. I seem to switch around, hoping to find the perfect one I guess. For me, I gotta keep busy I suppose. I sure will be glad when my life finally works out the way it should. Oh well, prayers to us. Prayer does seem to be a good thing, at least. Don’t forget your dogs. My dog was my person, the best friend I ever had, but she died at age fourteen. I never loved anyone like I loved her. She was the best. She has been gone for nine years now and I still think about her all the time. All the best to you for now!!! Hug those doggies!!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:30 pm

Thanks TB For always giving me such great and thoughtful feedback. I am so much like you after reading this. I also get lost in tv shows and movies. Anything to distract from those thoughts. This is definitely a major way that I have used to cope. Television especially with netflix providing us the ‘binge’ factor is another way to escape. It doesn’t have calories at least but of course I always paired my shows with food. So I think it almost triggers me back into that behavior more. Thanks for sharing this. It gave me more to think about!


Kyra February 8, 2017 at 6:55 pm

I can definitely relate. Although food is less my boyfriend than that bad boy in tight jeans and black leather, that you were told to stay away from, but you can’t help meeting under the bleachers to make out with. Hehe *ahem*

I can remember all sorts of things. Too much, but food is in there too. You said this: “Of course it’s miserable to live trapped in obesity. But sometimes it feels more miserable without it.” That, I have felt almost constantly.

People always say (and I want to smack the daylights out of them when they do) that “nothing tastes as good as thin feels.” Oh, really Pollyanna-barbie? Bite me. Because it’s totally not true. Not for me, anyway.

I did, at one point, hit a truce with food. A place where I was “thin” and healthy, and I could have my cake and eat it too. It took an unbelievable amount of work, and that might be why I slipped and am where I am now and have been trying to get back to for a decade. But I was there, and I know how hard it is even then.

So, I get you!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:28 pm

Yes!! Thank you so much!! I totally relate to everything you said here!


Barb February 8, 2017 at 7:07 pm

I can relate to this so much. My high school years were pretty much a complete blur other than lunch. Every single day I’d spend my lunch money at the snack table and have 3-4 junk food items. To this day when I’m standing in line at Walmart and 1/2 the checkout lane is hostess everything it brings all those memories up. For me they are not good memories though. I look back and see how tired I was. When I quit sugar I get this huge surge of energy. I just got off a 3 week binge and I’m on day 3 with no sugar. I’m so sick and tired of my life being run by sugar. I’m 44 and have spent most of my life in a sugar fog. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I’ve finally realized that willpower is only temporary and will not help on those dark days. I’ve had some really bad habits and turning to sugar is one of them. I realize for me it’s going to be a lifelong battle keeping sugar out of my life but the alternative is bringing sugar back in and living my life like I have for the past 34 years. There is no middle ground for me. It really does suck but no one said life is fair. ((Hugs))


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:27 pm

I relate to this. Congratulations on day 3. That is a tough day and you’re doing it! It is worth it. Every time I get off sugar I feel 1000 times better. The sugar fog IS real. And if you can get it out of your system you will suddenly see things so much clearer. For me, this writing is done in the fog. The fog is blurry. Keep going for the light! It is inspiring and I am so grateful for your comment!


Margaret February 8, 2017 at 7:16 pm

Long-time reader, Holl. You have great insight in this post, except for one thing. I’ve been traveling a lot the past month and looking at women in our country–women who are pretty sure they turned invisible a long time ago–and I can say with certainty that you are FAR FROM ALONE. We are in a hell of a mess–a whole lot of us. Why can’t we be there for each other? Even if the world can’t see us, there are so many of us who could join hands. If I were God, that’s what I’d want to know.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:25 pm

Thank you Margaret. I know that you’re right. Food is also a liar (!!) But that’s another post. Definitely an isolating behavior that leads you to feel more alone than maybe you really are. Very good point!


LN February 8, 2017 at 8:44 pm

Words so brilliantly written to tell the truth of so many of us. Only met you through your writing, but love you so much. It’s a battle you are in with this lover, who is unfaithful to you because he has so many lovers, and wrecking their lives. My prayers are with you sweet Holly.


TIM February 8, 2017 at 11:05 pm

Another awesome post! I can relate to so many of them. Food has always been my friend growing up. When something was wrong or I was sick or upset my mom would always say hear have some ice cream or cookie or I made your favorite meal to help you feel better. I also remember certain times in my life when I would ride my bike to DQ or the store and get something to eat on my ride back. Food is my person and I just want to say thank you for all of your insights which helps me to realize and to put into perspective my addiction. I wish you nothing but the best and will pray for your victory over food. Thank you for your posts.


Susan Reese February 9, 2017 at 12:32 am

That was such a well written, interesting post Holly. Thank you for sharing such intimate details of your struggle. I really admire you.


LHA February 9, 2017 at 2:15 am

This was a really creative post. Many people will be able to identify with this. Food means so much in our lives. It signifies love, and friendship, and acceptance, and comfort. I have many food memories also, but I also have some vivid memories of how good it felt to be in control of my eating and how terrific it felt to be in good physical condition and look good in my clothes. These groups of memories kind of battle it out in my brain, because when I am overeating (particularly sugar) it feels wonderful when I eat it but I am immediately reminded of how much l like looking better and feeling good and know I am jeopardizing that happiness and well being. Good luck to you in breaking up with some foods! Maybe someday sugar and other unhealthy foods will be just one of those memories that you look back on fondly but know you made the right choice to move on from. I will wish that for you and myself also!


Kim February 9, 2017 at 2:46 am

Holly all I can say is… me too! I feel as if you have cut me open and peered at the secret part of me that no one else has ever seen…


SK February 9, 2017 at 2:50 am

Oooooh yeah.

Plus the planning of dates with food. Looking forward to the end of the workday, or the weekend, or when the kids left for school so you could spend quality time with your best friend.


Amanda February 9, 2017 at 4:34 am

You are the realist, most sincere and genuine person I’ve met online. And the bravest. Thank you for your amazing courage. Don’t stop fighting. You inspire me, not in perfection, not in achievement even. You inspire me in your vulnerability, your depth, and your struggle. Don’t give up, girl.


Patti February 9, 2017 at 5:51 am

I related to every single word of your post. Food is my person, too. The scary part is that food is actually more like the psycho husband in a Lifetime movie that is saying and doing all the right things that comfort and fulfill you, but secretly plotting your murder. But thinking about that is just acknowledging another betrayal we can’t possibly face or bear, so we block it out of our minds.

I still haven’t broken completely free and, like you, I wonder if there is even hope that I ever will. As you said, it’s like divorcing your first love and then having to move through the grief of letting go which just seems overwhelming.

So we escape into a Swiss Roll fantasy. Until the reality hits. Then we just rinse and repeat. For years on end.

I was just thinking yesterday how my ENTIRE life has revolved around my relationship with food. Food has been my PRIMARY relationship in good times and bad. And I can not only tell you my entire life story in food, but also in weights. I know I was 238 that day in Disney World in 1979, and that I was 399 when my Mom came to watch my dogs before my Bermuda cruise in 1999. I know allllll the foods & alllll the weights. I wondered yesterday who I would have been if I hadn’t been fighting this battle since I can remember (I had to get my stomach pumped at 3 years old for eating an entire bottle of St. Joseph’s chewable (full of sugar) baby aspirins. It is my earliest vivid memory.)

Anyway, I’m rambling. But I wanted to thank you so much for letting me know, yet again, that I am not alone.

Blessings & love to you Holly. Hang in there.



Taylor February 9, 2017 at 10:16 am

You’re invited to blog about your relationship with food an get paid for it as a Pro Member at


Barbara Surratt February 9, 2017 at 10:18 am

wow that,s great You inspire me, not in perfection, not in achievement even. You inspire me in your vulnerability, your depth, and your struggle. Don’t give up, girl.
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K February 9, 2017 at 2:35 pm

Oh you sooooo get my experience! While I’ve come a long way in terms of understanding the relationship, I choose to visit with the dark side of it knowingly still art times. Just last night, I ate 520 calories of chocolate. Why? Because I was exhausted after a long day full of bumps and time draining meetings during the work day followed by a 2 hr non-productive meeting where my loving husband says something dumb that hurts my feelings. Then being angry but not wanting to go directly to deal with it because we have someone with us who doesn’t need to hear that, I decided chocolate was my path. Later alone I was able to verbalize my feelings and of course he didn’t think he said it in that way, but he did. By then I’m done with it, but I’ve said my position and I’m more at peace

I’m ok that I ate that chocolate. It doesn’t define me. I’m clear what function that behavior had. And if I remain this weight for the rest of my life, gain or lose, it’s OK. I’m good enough despite my circumstances. God loved me before he even created me. He loves me! All the time!

Another great book that he led me to was called Made To Crave by Lysa Terkhurst. She writes that all these addictions we all face in our lives: drugs, alcohol, food, spending, perfectionism, sex etc are really us just trying to fill a hole in our hearts. The only true thing that can fill that is Jesus. Sounds too simple. And way harder to keep in focus with all these human emotions we suffer through.

Your struggles and successes are a testimony to the fact that you are fighting the good fight. I love that you are looking deeper into the why’s of this relationship with food. For me it varies. It’s that safe haven for certain or became that to protect that child. I made sure That wall was thick and impenetrable. Who knew it would be so difficult to dismantle. I recall going to the store i passed by after school and buying candy bars 3 or 4 and eating them in the 3 blocks before arriving home. Where I got that money I have no memory. I recall telling friends I was sharing with my sister. Nope. I got good at adding multiples of 15, i do recall. It felt like I did it daily for several years. Food was love definitely. Early memories of mommy, food and me. It most definitely was the only one I could express my emotions through and to. The fact that no one really recognized that and questioned that still baffles me a bit, but then who wants to have a conversation that could be so potentially devastating. It most definitely was my voice, my scream. And the toughest for me right now still is that it was my relaxation method. It takes away anxiety and overwhelm. I remember a few years back when I could physically feel that difference as I altered my body into a sugar coma so to speak. There were times I craved that withdrawal from the present. Now that desire has left me most of the time as I’ve felt the difference in learning to be more present in my life and understanding what it feels like to be eating a God diet rather than a processed one most of the time.

You know, I feel like I need to apologize. This is rambling and about me, but you always make me think. Overthinking is not good, but this reflecting is helpful. I pray for you to feel the presence of a comforting God in those moments when you want to turn to food or when life is hitting hard. I thank you for being open about your realities.

You mention losing your longtime best friend. I know that feeling well. Not so much just 1 but a series throughout my life. There were times I felt so hurt and rejected. So going to the constant companion took me away from those emotions momentarily. Truthfully with most of those former friends, life just took us in different directions. I feel like I’m supposed to say to you, “Do you want to be my friend?” Silly I know but God keeps bringing it up for me.


Margaret Wolfinbarger February 9, 2017 at 5:48 pm

Made to Crave is an excellent book. Also try a new one, “Hungry: Learning to Feed Your Soul with Christ” by Rondi Lauterbach.

Go forth and conquer!
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neca February 9, 2017 at 3:23 pm

That’s a very powerful post Holly.

I would say “Can you reframe that relationship and those memories?” Because if food is a relationship, then it’s an abusive one. I mean, it can be very good, but it is also very harmful. Not just the physical effects, but the emotional ones. Because you will never be able to be free of the food if it has convinced you that you can’t do this on your own.

Or maybe look at it as a relationship that worked for a while, but that you have outgrown. “Puppy Love”. It was good then and you can have some nostalgia, but you need a better, more mature relationship now (with God?).

I dunno – just throwing ideas out there. take care!
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Margaret Wolfinbarger February 9, 2017 at 5:27 pm


You have nailed it for me. Yes. I measure my life by food and my relationship to it. I’m reading a book I read in junior high right now. I ate Whoppers candy the first time I read it. I still can’t eat turkey without thinking of my moms homemade fudge. My point is, those urges never go away. They are ingrained in my flesh. However, I am fighting them with every single fiber of my being and it is worth it. This was my first Christmas that I did not eat fudge. Ever. My whole life.

C.S. Lewis described these pervasive lusts in his book, The Great Divorce. He described a man with a growth on his shoulder in a poignant description of purgatory. I remember reading it and thinking he was me.

My journey to better health started with one simple question, if the Bible says we are more than conquerors, why am I not conquering? God answered me: you need to learn discipline. And so I prayed, “God, teach me discipline.”

I do not write any of this to make you feel bad. Please don’t misconstrue my words. I only write to encourage you that it is possible. Don’t lose heart. Keep fighting.
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K February 11, 2017 at 4:43 am

I love that you heard “You need discipline.” I’ve believed the same for myself. Discipline and a different structure than my default.


Lynda Adelman February 10, 2017 at 1:14 am

Oh Holly-I can so relate. I can remember different binges and the excitement of spending weekends all alone with my love-ice cream and/or pizza and/or chocolate, telling my friends I was busy but having the weekend with my love-food. I remember stealing food when I was 5 (a chocolate walnut swirl) — I would stick it in my sweater and go to the bathroom and eat it. Your words ring so true to me–I thought I was the only one that felt that way. I love food and I hate it all at the same time. Thank you so much for sharing. It is my friend and my lover and I have a relationship with it that will kill me if I allow it to. It is a never ending struggle that I know never goes away. I know from experience the more you indulge it the stronger it becomes. I really appreciate all your posts. Sending you a big hug.


Dee February 10, 2017 at 8:54 am

Holly I identify with every single word you wrote. Oh my, I am reeling. Thank you for that blog post – wow.
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Karen P February 14, 2017 at 9:44 pm

Food is not Bae. My abstaining food template helped me to move food to what is needs to be, fuel instead of a substance to “get high”.

I feel so much better now. Abstaining for the win. Onward
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Tracey L Coleman February 19, 2017 at 11:52 am

Holly, I am a new reader to your blog. Dee told us about your story here in her blog and I had to check it out. Like you, I can so relate to the relationship with food. It’s amazing how we use food to comfort us when we are down, to celebrate when we are happy, to nourish our anxiety, depression, grief, and even joy.
I have lost 80 lbs. and have been able to keep it off for 18 months. But I still have a relationship with food. It is everywhere and sometimes it just sneaks in and says, “Come on, one bite. You know you’ll like it. I will make you happy. I will help you to relax. I will comfort you.” In fact, this week, I deliberately made comfort food for dinner. Because that’s what I wanted. I even thought about it all day.
This is an awesome post, Holly. Thank you for sharing it. I wish I had written this.


Lou February 19, 2017 at 6:09 pm

Oh my, I can most definitely relate to every word. Of course I remember my food obsessions through the years more than the people. That’s food addiction for you. We all can relate or we wouldn’t be here; you articulate everything we’re feeling to the T.

Rooting for you with all I got!!


Jen February 24, 2017 at 5:31 am

Hi Holly,

not sure if you read the comments,but putting it out here anyway.There are so many of us,the names don’t really matter much.Here’s an excerpt from your previous blog on the crew team experience.That’s so cool,you had such determination from an early age..I love it…Now,you wrote,

” Because the only way you can lose

Is if you quit

So get out your oar

And start paddling”

I’m not sure what my oar looks like at this point.I don’t seem to be able to find one at this point.I don’t know how I’m going to pull myself out of deep water this time,but I will,even if it’s only committing to 5 minute walks daily until I feel ready to escalate them.Thanks for sharing the struggles and the ways through-they help.



lanesh February 26, 2017 at 9:32 pm

Please don’t give up. I am hovering the 300’s and terrified!! can you email me please? I now it sounds familiar but my husband is ready to leave me and I would not blame him for it. But I want to flip the switch as of this moment and take charge of my health!! we can call each other and encourage/sponsor each other without being mean! at least lets give it a shot … if it doesnt work at least it was a venue… please email



Horrible_Monster March 18, 2017 at 12:36 am

…! I don’t know if I’ve ever read something I related to so strongly. No words of advice or wisdom, just solidarity.

I always feel so weird about it, too, like there’s something unappealingly off-balance about my personality because of that capital-R Relationship with food. There is nothing glamorous about deeply, profoundly MISSING food you can’t have or choose to avoid. It’s rough.

Just…from one person walking this road to another, thank you for sharing. Thank you for putting it out there. I didn’t know how much I needed to know I’m not alone in this weird headspace.


Kathy April 7, 2017 at 9:48 pm

Holly, I am exactly the same. And I’ve tried every weight loss program under the sun. But the one I am so intrigued with now is the Gabriel Method. His whole premise is if your body wants to be fat, it is going to be fat. You have to learn to teach it that’s it’s safe to lose the weight. He has a free 21 day meditation program that I’m doing now. Sooooo interesting!!!!!!


Vasso Vass September 14, 2017 at 6:55 pm

Yeah, unfortunately its not great to be one of those people that can’t have a normal relationship with food. I have various issues and have just started the journey to overcome them…
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