Upside Down and In Between

February 25, 2017 in Uncategorized

I’ve been holding off 300 like a tidal wave that’s coming.  Every week I get closer.  And there’s almost no point anymore.  I have tried so hard to stop this from happening.  And I’m so tired of the people who simply tell me to stop eating.

“Food isn’t your best friend.”

“Just don’t eat sugar anymore.”

“Follow your food guide–you’ll be fine”

People who say these things…people who follow a math formula easily out of the dark are NOT understanding what I’m going through.

Do you think I don’t KNOW how to lose weight? Do you think I need someone to tell me how to do it??

I have probably lost more weight in the past few years than  most people have lost in a decade.  I have probably lost single handedly TRIPLE the amount of weight many have ever had to lose.   And the people who seem to think it’s so simple?  If they lost as much weight as I have..they’d already be dead. TWICE.  Because they’d be 250 pounds under their body weight.  As that is how much weight I lost—THIS time.

So yes I know HOW to lose weight.  HOW is not the problem.  If you ask millions of overweight people out there they will tell you the same thing.

The HOW is not the problem.  We know the HOW.  It’s the something-in-between that baffles us.

Or perhaps I should call it the upside down.

Ever seen the show Stranger Things? The Upside down is that other world.  The one you get pulled into and can’t get out of.

That’s where I’m living right now.

In the Upside Down.  And giving me some kind of food log won’t get me out.  Because it’s not about that.  I already know that. I’m an expert in it.

The upside down is much more mysterious.  It’s where people who already know exactly how to lose their weight and maintain it somehow get sucked back in out of no where.

It’s the lost world.  It’s the matrix.  It’s the in between and the upside down.

I’ve lost hundreds of pounds multiple times in my life.  That means I’ve climbed MOUNTAINS upon mountains.  Over and over again.  Only to slide back down to the bottom and be told to climb that mountain again.

It takes an incredible amount of motivation, perseverance and dedication to lose weight.   In fact, weight is the perfect word.  Because that’s what this is.  A WEIGHT that bears down on you.   Not just physically but mentally.  And it’s draining.   It is a lot like lifting weights. You can’t hold the burden of that weight up there forever.  Eventually you have to put it down.

I lost 250 pounds.  But I guess I just couldn’t make it any further.   I tried. I tried the hardest I have ever tried.   And I started climbing that mountain for the 500 millionth time when I started this journey.

I’m tired.  I’m old.  And maybe I’m just done.

Do you know how much mental energy it takes to lose weight? To fight the demons that live in your head???

If you don’t then you’re not like me.  And you should be grateful for that.

If you wonder why I don’t  just pull it together already and EAT RIGHT—then you have no idea what battle I’m fighting.  Because the battle has almost nothing to really do with food.  Or sugar.  At least I don’t think so anymore.

You think I don’t KNOW what I need to do??? You think I don’t KNOW what food plan I need to follow?

You’re the person standing at the front door  holding out a key and screaming at me because I won’t use it.

Frustrating isn’t it? To look at people and know what they should do.  And then wonder why they just won’t do it?

You think it’s that simple?

You think I don’t know that the key will open the door??

Of course I do. Just go to the top of my blog and click the tab that says “Sugar Addiction/Detox”.  I wrote that! And I wrote it from the top of the pit staring down.  From the pinnacle of the mountain looking back.  Having climbed out of the wreck and now clearly able to see it for the mess it was.  Knowing exactly what needs to be done to release myself from the prison of sugar addiction.  I wrote that and it’s all true . If you follow it, you’ll win!

And yet somehow I can’t make it happen.  The key keeps falling out of my hand.  Down the drain.  I peer at it through the grate.  I see it just beyond my grasp.  And yet I’m somehow at a loss to get it back.

There is a disconnect in our world between the people who know how we should eat and the people who just can’t find the mental fortitude to eat that way.  It’s not that we need another diet book.  Or another nutritionist.  PLEASE NO! If I never see another nutritionist in my life it will be too soon.

No I don’t need a portion plate.  Or container.  I don’t need a calorie counter or another exercise machine.

What I need is A NEW BRAIN.

What I need is another personality.

I had weight loss surgery in 2011 and they took out the wrong organ.  They should have taken out 85% of my brain not 85% OF MY STOMACH.  My stomach wasn’t the problem.

I am.

I AM THE PROBLEM

I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology.  Tell me that isn’t funny!  And I don’t need you to tell me about another diet.  Or another book.  Or another pill.

And what I sure as hell don’t need is a revision to my surgery.  A second surgery.  So I can lose a bunch of weight by force only to find myself right back where I started when my stomach loosens up and my brain takes back control.

I lost 250 pounds and then I picked up drinking.  Never had a problem before with it in my life.  Never even cared for it. But take food away and I’m ready to drink or smoke just about anything you can put in front of me.  And I’m nothing more than a naive, sheltered Mom of 4 kids who barely picked up a wine glass before.

Transfer addiction is REAL.

My brain will find it.  My brain will crave it.  Take away donuts and something more dangerous will take its place

Whatever I put down, something worse will replace it.

Sometimes I wish I had never started this.  Sometimes I wish I had never tried.  Sure—maybe I was over 400 pounds.  Maybe I would have been 600 by now.  Or dead.  But at least I was a good Mom.  At least they could remember me that way.  Because some of the ridiculous crap that has gone on in the past few years after I lost 250 pounds and started drinking is beyond what you could imagine.  I sure as hell wouldn’t write about it. If I could even remember half of it—that is.

Someone asked me the other day if I would recommend weight loss surgery.  Knowing what I know now.

All I can tell you is that I would not recommend it for myself.  And no–I wouldn’t do it again.

Because I would rather have kept gaining weight and died at 10000 pounds.  I would rather have been cut out of my house by the jaws of life.  It would have been a humiliation. It would have been surely not the way I’d want to be remembered.  But it still would have been a more respectable way to go out than losing 250 pounds and taking your newly thin self out with the most wrecked and damaged self esteem a person could have after a lifetime in an obese body having been abandoned by your husband for being too fat.  Walk into a bar with that wrecked self esteem and a new body.  You’ll have the best time of your life and wake up tomorrow feeling like sh*t.

I used to believe in God.  I still do.  I just don’t think He believes in me anymore.

God was my best friend. Until I met Rumplemintz.  And their friend Tito.  Vodka is low carb, right? It should be ok!

I spent so much time at the bar, I got invited to baby showers.  Weddings.  Funerals.  And why? Because somehow no matter how much weight I lost, I still felt like a loser.  Like I needed someone to validate my existence.

Someone to tell me I’m pretty.

Maybe 30  years of people leaving notes on your windshield and yelling “You’re Fat” out the window was the reason I needed it so bad.

Maybe knowing it was my fault that my children grew up without a Dad in the house was the reason.

Because my weight was the reason. My weight was the cause.

Am I good enough now?

I’ve lost almost all the faith I ever once had because God has to know I’m a lost cause.

When I fully realized I had transferred one addiction for another–I decided to stop drinking alcohol.

Brilliant!!

And that’s when food just came back into play.

Moved right back in like it had never left.

Apparently I don’t know how to balance.

I only know how to see-saw.

I’m the most high functioning dysfunctional person I know.  Because I still support all of my kids by myself.  I work insane hours every week teaching online. Even though for some reason a handful of my readers still think I lied about my education.  Which doesn’t even surprise me.  Because how can you be that fat and that “stupid” in your ability to lose weight— if you’re educated? Right?

I mean how can you KNOW what to do and still not be able to do it?!

Also I have fruit flies in my house.  And they’re driving me crazy.

And there’s not even fruit anywhere at all.  Just brownies.  So what gives?

I’ll probably delete this when it dawns on me that I told you too much.  But if it helps someone then it’s worth it.

Although I really don’t know how it could.

I had one good day this week. ONE.  It was amazing.  I walked 1 mile around my neighborhood.  I ate on my food plan.  I went to bed early.  And I prayed.  I woke up the next day and screwed it all up again as usual.

It’s tiring you know? Being a screw up.

My brother  used to weigh almost 500 pounds.  And he lost all his weight.  He’s now a personal trainer.  He runs bootcamps.  He helps thousands of people all over the country lose hundreds of pounds.  But ME—his sister?  He can’t help.  And why? Because something in me is wired wrong.  And even when I’m given every possible advantage— I still fail.  He’s done everything anyone could ever do for me.  And still here I am.  A colossal failure.

Being a failure is exhausting.

EXHAUSTING

But here we go again…..

One more trip up the mountain.  Wonder how far I’ll get this time before the fall.

PS.  Forgive me.  If I offended you, I’m sorry.  I guess I did because the very first comment on this blog post told me to stop writing “at least in public”!  They even said I should take my blog down.   So let me apologize again for removing the layer of BS  and letting you see behind the curtain.  For writing about the reality of what it feels like when you’re down in the pit looking up at how far you’ve fallen.   This is probably one of the most rude posts I have ever written and I am sorry for that.  When you try to detox off sugar, it makes you an a**hole.  TO EVERYONE.  No joke! I’m sorry for the starred out cuss words.   For the mood swings.    And yes– losing 10 pounds is hard.  It’s probably no different from losing 1000.  Hard is hard.  So I’m sorry if I act like your struggle is less than mine.  I’m just being a jerk right now because I’m discouraged.  I’m playing the victim clearly.  Acting like the fact that I have more weight to lose than you makes it somehow harder when I know deep down it’s not.  I’ve been fighting to lose 10 pounds for a year so what’s the difference?  It’s what we do.  It’s just a defense mechanism.  And mine are out in full force!  If you’re lucky or unlucky enough to read this before I wipe it from the internet then just know you got way deeper into my head than most people ever do.  And I’m sorry for that .

Because it’s not so nice in there is it?

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{ 72 comments… read them below or add one }

urkiddinme February 26, 2017 at 12:35 am

I think it’s clear that you need to stop blogging and just go live your life how you need to on any given day. Journal privately, if you need to see your thoughts in print and review them. But you definitely do not need to be putting yourself out in public. Concentrate on you. One minute at a time, if that’s all you can handle. But seriously…take the blog down. It not only isn’t helping you; it’s taunting you.

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Tammy Michael March 2, 2017 at 11:46 pm

Holly,

Please do not stop blogging, don’t stop blogging or sharing your heart. I very much identify with so much of what you said. I too feel upside down in my journey right now. Climbing the mountain as I feel like I’m clawing my way up. Please know you aren’t alone and there are people who totally understand. I am just one.

I just discovered your blog through a friend and am anxious to go and read more. I am not alone, it’s not hopeless. It sure is frustrating and hard, but worth it.
Don’t give up.

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Lou April 23, 2017 at 1:00 pm

She has to keep blogging. Even in her pain right now, she is helping hundreds of people know they’re not alone. And she needs our support. Please don’t stop blogging.

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Redrum February 26, 2017 at 12:57 am

Thank you for your honesty. I would hate to see you stop blogging. When I see a new post its the first one I read.
Losing weight is effing hard! You’re right, when you have a lot of weight to lose it feels impossible. I lost 85, gained back 20. I keep trying to lose that 20 and it’s HARD! Ignore all advice. You know what works for you and you know how to do it. Or don’t do it. It’s your choice alone. But please check in every now and then because regardless of your diet/weight I love your honesty about your life.

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Deb Willbefree February 26, 2017 at 1:53 am

Holly,
You may be surprised to hear this, but most obese people–who have lost, gained, lost, gained, hardly lost, gained–have felt what you expressed in this post. Even those who only had 100 pounds to lose. (Although you may have expressed it in a colorful, bigger, better more flounce–which is just a little endearing.)

Some things you said aren’t quite true (Like saying you’re old. I Know old, girlfriend…), but I’ll pass on pointing all of those points out in order to note the truest thing you’ve said in this post. It is: “My stomach wasn’t the problem. I am.” And then you went on to describe addiction behavior. And, you’re spot on with that.

I may not know how it feels to be 300 pounds overweight, but I know addiction. I know what it feels like to KNOW how to lose weight…and, yet, cave into satisfying the urge, that need to feed, that can grip a person.

I so want to give you a word of wisdom here, but I have none. Well. Except for this: God loves lost causes. A lot. Death in the tomb was a lost cause that resulted in resurrection life–addiction can’t stand up against that. It can’t. (I know. It sounds cliché. That’s only because it’s true.)

Hugs, Holly, from an old fat girl who knows her Savior lives, no matter what the scale says.
Deb Willbefree recently posted..And, then, there was a miracle…My Profile

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Margaret Wolfinbarger February 26, 2017 at 10:22 pm

Just fantastic. Jesus does love lost caused.
Margaret Wolfinbarger recently posted..Grace for Those Traveling a Dark PathMy Profile

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Shannon February 28, 2017 at 7:12 pm

Agree with you completely!

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Chris February 26, 2017 at 1:54 am

Keeping it real, being honest, putting it out there. I like it. You are human, just like the rest of us. It IS hard. I have 40 pounds to lose and have for a long time and just can’t get it together. 40 pounds, 400 pounds, it is really hard. You are strong, you are brave, you are beautiful.

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Cheryl February 26, 2017 at 2:37 am

Hi Holly, I’m sorry you’re feeling so frustrated right now. We’re in the same place weight wise because I was dismayed when I got on the scale two weeks ago and saw 294. I’ve gained 50 lbs since last June, kicking and fighting all the way. I’ve lost 100+ lbs four times now but I haven’t reached my goal yet. I start again losing again when life becomes too painful and unmanageable. Coincidentally I’m an educator also. It’s time to get back on track for me because I’m reaching that threshold where my weight becomes physically painful and limits what I can do. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been there, done that, hated myself, given up, started again, regained, etc. more times than I care to remember. I hope you’re feeling better about yourself soon. I know that hating myself has often been worse than the extra weight. Good luck.

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Lise February 26, 2017 at 3:13 am

You are not alone Holly! Hugs!

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Mari February 26, 2017 at 3:23 am

I get it! I haven’t lost 300, but I’ve lost 50 so many times. (And I wasn’t at my goal then either – I should have lost another 50) Right now I’m at 49 and am having trouble sticking with it. I hate seeing that scale waver and not really go down, because I know that the precursor to it heading back up, and I get so frustrated with myself.
I’ve got no advice, except hang in there, and ignore those ignorant people who really have no clue!
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LHA February 26, 2017 at 3:29 am

Holly, you probably won’t believe this, but your post is exactly what I needed to read tonight! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing it. I can identify with your struggle on many levels, and have been feeling a more than a little discouraged since Christmas. I have lost a significant amount of weight, and believe me this isn’t the first time. I am struggling with a small weight regain now, but I know all too well how fast those pounds regained can multiply. I am determined NOT to go back there, but it is very, very difficult. I do not have a lot of the life problems you are struggling with, but I have some that are different. Meaning, I guess we all have some things in our life that make healthy eating difficult (or impossible?) and some sure have more than their share of struggles. I am truly sorry for what has been dumped on you lately. I have no suggestions for you but I can tell you what is going on in my mind since you have shared what is going on in yours. I tell myself several times a day that I am NOT willing to regain the weight I have lost. I also tell myself that the only way to get out of my current situation (which is kind of like yours with on and off success on eating well) is to do it one meal at a time, one day at a time, and don’t give up. There is no way out for me other than that! Those are pretty darn simplistic things to say to myself but they are all I can think of! With all sincerity I thank you for today’s blog post and wish you a day of healthy eating tomorrow. I’m going to be doing my best to have one too. May we both succeed!

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Pam in Michigan February 26, 2017 at 3:32 am

Holly, the world needs a lot more honesty these days, and your contributions always matter, even if the raw anger and sadness in your words make some readers uncomfortable. That said, upon re-reading, and without the “skin in the game” to feel personally wounded by the words, I wonder if the first comment actually came from a point of caring very deeply for your well-being, from someone who genuinely believes that the public forum of this blog has turned counterproductive and toxic for you? I have no idea, but I certainly hope you don’t feel as if you should remove this post–unless it’s what works best for you. That’s what matters, frankly. It’s your blog, your space, your voice. Your voice matters. You matter.
Peace.

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urkiddinme February 26, 2017 at 12:53 pm

Of course my comment came from caring for her well-being. Why would I try to wound her? Holly has been building toward this verbal breakdown for the last year, at least. The blog is obviously not serving its purpose and she gets frustrated and angry about comments that are “meant well” but do not help her in any way — as she said, she doesn’t need another book, another plan, a miracle product. She has identified her addictive tendencies but doesn’t yet know how to move past them — or function within their constraints. Writing is good for her — it’s good for most people! But sharing with a gen pop of strangers (even “internet friends”) — maybe not. My suggestion is to step away and live real life in the moment without the peanut gallery and without the self-imposed obligation of presenting her thoughts and experiences to everyone. She’s burned out and blogging is not benefiting her in any way.

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Mickie Gibbs February 26, 2017 at 3:37 am

I’m just glad to see you post.

It breaks my heart to read you feel as if God has given up on you. Nothing can be farther from the truth.

Romans 8:31-39
31 What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? 32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? 33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

35 Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? 36 (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[a]) 37 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Rooting for you!

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Deb Willbefree February 26, 2017 at 3:57 am

😀 This is my life scripture; in fact, the whole chapter is one Ihold onto.

If I recall correctly, the chapter before this chapter, Paul writes something like, “What I want to do, I don’t do; and what I don’t want to do, that’s what I do. Who can save me from this terrible struggle?” And, of course, his answer is “Jesus can!” (Deb’s translation) Then Paul moves on to Chapter 8 and it opens with, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Love that. Just love that. No condemnation.

Holly, I know you know your Bible. Do give Roomans 7 & * a read.
Deb Willbefree recently posted..And, then, there was a miracle…My Profile

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Margaret Wolfinbarger February 26, 2017 at 10:36 pm

I’m reading a John Owen book and the current chapter is on Romans 7:21 on indwelling sin. It is very helpful in help with my addictive/compulsive tendencies. Good stuff.
Margaret Wolfinbarger recently posted..Grace for Those Traveling a Dark PathMy Profile

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K February 26, 2017 at 4:32 am

Holly,

I believe you and I fight the same battle. Too much thinking. Having a feeling of “should be.” I too, love your honesty in this post and am sorry you are feeling frustrated. I know that feeling too well.

The truth is we are good enough as we are. Stop focusing on the weight. Just check in with your heart, mind, spirit and soul. In each and every moment, just check in with what is the most important thing in your life. Trust. Aim to claim the promise, “I can be content in all circumstances.” Choose you! Let go of struggle. Just be you and be happy. Easy to say I know. Choose to change the focus of your blog if you desire. Just be Holly. Do you. I truly enjoy your musings on life. Emotions of all kinds are real. Being real is honest. Anger and despair are helping you let go of believing you control this life. None of us do. Forgiving yourself for your past has already been done through the blood of Jesus Christ. I know you believe! I’m just hoping that you find a path to your contentment. God doesn’t ever leave us. The evil one aims to separate us from him. Do not believe any of his lies. Your story is speaking to someone out there in the world — many of us, too me. What do you crave? Peace? Love? Acceptance? Instead of focusing on getting it from others focus on giving more of it to the world. We are here to be servants, right?
K

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Wendy February 26, 2017 at 5:06 am

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? …

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

“Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:35, 38–39).
I just looked at the other comments, not knowing that someone else had already posted this scripture – maybe the message really is for you. I feel profoundly unlovable so often, but that is the adversary, his desire to make you (and me) miserable. Have faith! I live a life of fear and worry, I feel your pain and frustration. I will try and remember that God loves me and I hope you can too. I so appreciate your honesty, thank you for sharing.

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Brandon February 26, 2017 at 5:09 am

Such a powerful, passionate post. Ive been following this blog since 2015, when I started my weight loss journey, my peak weight was over 600lbs at one point in my life. Ive lost over 200+ lbs and counting and your story is very compelling because its so raw and honest. I have a friend that I want to read this, in fact I think anyone on a weight loss journey should read this. You speak of transfer addiction, it goes to show in weight loss you need to work on all areas of yourself for that long-term success, because that mental and psychological stuff is every bit as important. I’m learning that now and its the bigger struggle than the weight loss itself.

It isn’t fair for anyone to say just snap out of it, just do this, just do that, I completely understand where you are coming from. When food stopped being my friend and confidant in 2015 my depression got worse, there is something powerful about having a source that can entertain whatever emotion or mood you are in, make you less alone when you’re lonely, make time go by faster when you’re bored.

I’m rooting for you, I believe in you, you are not too old. You’re a powerful, strong woman and what you have done before you will do again, when you’re ready.

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Beth M February 26, 2017 at 5:11 am

Holly,
You may not believe me, but I’m really glad to see your post today. It breaks my heart to see you struggling, and frustrated, and angry. But you’re here, and you’re using this space to get those feelings out, to scream a bit into the abyss. And I’m hoping that means there’s still a spark inside you that hasn’t given up yet.
I’ve ended up with a huge regain, and a daily battle with the sugar monkey on my back. I’m trying to find my way back to the life of health and energy and joy I found for awhile after VSG. I got myself pretty lost somewhere along the way, but I’m not giving up on myself. I really hope you won’t either.
One day on track assuredly wasn’t what you were aiming for last week, but it’s better than only half a day on track, or no days, right? And it’s proof that you have it in you to get through a whole day on track. And you know how much easier it gets if you can string enough days together to get the cravings to quiet down.
I know it’s exhausting to keep fighting, but it’s so worth it. You’re worth it. Take a few good deep breaths, have a good cry if that helps (maybe that’s just me), and rest your head, and come back tomorrow.

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Mary February 26, 2017 at 2:52 pm

Please keep blogging. I would miss you if you quit. I get a lot out of reading your posts, painful though they may be.

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Eileen February 26, 2017 at 3:54 pm

Holly, I’ve read your blog for a long time and you certainly put a lot of thought, energy and time into your posts. I’ve always rooted for you and, many times, identified with your struggles. That being said, I do agree urkiddinme, whose comment you perceived as being offended by you. I don’t read it that way at all. I think she offered some good advice. Blogging now seems to be causing you anguish and not helping you on your journey. You don’t need to confess to us or to anyone else. Just concentrate on yourself, keep a private journal, follow whatever steps you took in your initial weight loss journey after surgery. Say so long to us and find your true self.

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Laine February 26, 2017 at 5:22 pm

Holly,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing with brutal honesty the harsh reality of your struggles. Your blog helps me understand a little bit better my beloved husband’s demons. He is a brilliant, highly respected courtroom lawyer whose voice next to his brain is his biggest professional tool. Yet last year, 2 days after he completed a 5 week course of gruelling radiation for his throat cancer caused by cigarette smoking, he starting smoking again and despite his intelligence and his crystal clear awareness of the likely consequences of resuming his addiction, he continues to smoke -and drink, another risk factor for recurrence. Well-meaning friends, family and professionals who have told him to “just quit” truly have no idea of his hell on earth in his repeated attempts to do so. I wish for you, as I wish for him and myself, peace.
Selfishly, I beseech you, please keep posting your blog. And please, please, please never forget that there are so many out here who care so deeply for you and are sending you love and compassion. And whatever your weight, YOU ARE SO PRETTY!

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Kerstin February 26, 2017 at 5:24 pm

Don’t ever take this post down, please. Because not only did you need to write it, many of us who are struggling with our weight, need to read it. This is the reality for the majority of the overweight population.

You are absolutely right, we KNOW what to do but somehow that knowledge does not translate into the lasting changes we need to make to keep off the weight. It’s like we know how to speak a foreign language and we use it whenever we visit that foreign country but eventually we return home to our mother tongue which will always be easier and feel more comfortable and familiar.

I’ve been feeling so defeated by my own weight gain and my inability to ‘get back on track.’ I recently started working with a life coach and she made an interesting observation: I always have one foot on the accelerator – wanting to feel more present and alive – and the other on the breaks – wanting to avoid anxiety and the hard/boring things in life. It’s why I’m stuck and it’s an exhausting and frustrating way to live. I don’t have the answers, either, all I know is that I cannot give up trying. Sending you a big hug and much love, you are amazing.
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Rhonda February 26, 2017 at 5:33 pm

Thanks for posting Holly… it is raw; but it is real. I am an educated person also and losing or maintaining my weight has always been my biggest challenge. I expend ENORMOUS amounts of energy every day in this endeavor. You are right, it can be exhausting especially during those times when you have lost your “mojo”. Keep the faith, your GOD is mighty and he has not abandoned you. Sending strength and prayers your way, Hugs, Rhonda

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Shelli February 26, 2017 at 5:49 pm

Holly,

You took the words right out of my mouth! I had my surgery in Jan of 2012, I am currently about 20 pounds from my starting weight. This is a journey that only those that have gone through it know. Many struggle with the exact same things as you have my friend.

I have lost my best friend because of her insecurities with me losing weight (for once I was smaller than her), lost a relationship of 7 years, went through cancer with my daughter. All of these factors sent me right back to my favorite old friend food. I know what I should be doing and eating, but currently I prefer to drink my sweet tea and have my slider food.

The support groups that I was referred to transferred to a larger group that really wasn’t supportive, just recruiting new patients for surgery. I need support from people who have actually been where I am. Having been overweight all of my adult life, I really didn’t know how to deal with all the loss, and the new attention from men. So I am back where I feel safe and I am the one that is miserable.

Where you went to drinking, I chose to go shopping. Never before in my life could I walk into any store and find clothes that fit and it was a high for me. Now I have gained the weight back and can’t wear all those cute clothes, yet are still paying on them.

So now single, broke, lonely trying to get my life back, it is hard. I find myself questioning everything about people. I have seriously thought about seeing a counselor, but not sure that is the answer for me. I know what I need to do, but after life lets you down, you get stuck. This is where I am now.

Thanks for keeping it real and having the attitude to persevere no matter what life throws at you.

We are all in this life together!

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sarahjb February 26, 2017 at 6:23 pm

So true! If there was a sure way to get one’s mind to click and be in the weight loss zone (if you’ve been there, you know what I mean), Oprah would be singing its praises instead of Weight Watchers. No matter how much you know what to do intellectually, until that click happens in your mind/brain, it doesn’t happen. No matter how much one cries, prays and tries, it is elusive. Food has been my comfort. It is dependable and unconditional. I look at people that say they forgot to eat like they are from another planet. Keep living your life Holly. Love your kids. Be gentle towards yourself. It wil click when you least expect it.

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Jen February 26, 2017 at 6:59 pm

I’m so glad there are many people reading your blog-understanding the place that you,(myself,included)..WE are not alone!! We’re born this way-highly sensitive,smart,and seemingly such a thin layer between self and how the world sees us..so self condemning.

Holly,so glad to see you express the anger.There’s so much sadness underneath.Really want to see you connect to your inner wisdom,kindness-your inner mother who is incredibly loving to her actual children.(This is obvious to me by the pictures of them!)

Hang in there!! Like me..I’m hanging in here too! And,I want to reconnect to my own inner mother too!

Jen

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Margaret Wolfinbarger February 26, 2017 at 7:34 pm

I read your words with tears because I am fighting with you. The struggle is real. Your alliteration to being at the bottom of a pit reminds me of Corrie Ten Boom. She survived the darkness of a Nazi Germany concentration camp and said, “There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still.”

I have prayed for you. And that feels trite… but I care about your journey. And I don’t know what else to do. I’ve been there. The curse of an afflicted brain is a horror. But please remember that God’s sovereignty does not depend on your feelings or failings. He loves you very much. Keep fighting. You are brave.

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Mickie Gibbs February 26, 2017 at 10:36 pm

“God’s sovereignty does not depend on your feelings or failings.” Love this!

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Lori E Law February 26, 2017 at 8:11 pm

Holly, please don’t stop blogging, even if others try to discourage you. I found you “late,” and your writing is so profound. I see myself in many of your entries. Yes, transfer addiction is real. Mine go from shopping, to gambling to drinking too much to get into the car to go to the casino. Problem is, nothing is as satisfying as food. Nothing feels as good going down. I am in my “won the battle/trying to keep it off” phase. I think you said something to the effect that when you are looking down from the “top” it is dangerous to forget what the bottom was like. I am starting to think the bottom was easier. Before I “won,” I thought how easy it would be to just go from 260 to 400. After all, it is always about finding something that fits, right. Right now I have nothing that is bigger, so my waistline is my limit. Uncomfortable around the waistline is an old familiar friend. I have been her for over 50 years. It is this new person I am having trouble getting used to. I don’t know her very well yet. In any case, I said all this to say, don’t stop writing. I wait for your entries and I certainly understand your struggle and how beneficial it is to you to give it a voice.

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Kelli February 26, 2017 at 8:48 pm

Holly,

I believe in you! Please keep fighting the battle. I believe in you.
I won’t give you any advice you know what to do. I also know that you still believe in God. He is there and he believes in you too. Just remember, I truly believe in you. I have read your struggles and oh if I could, I would give you a rewired brain. But I have read your struggles and I still believe in you.

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Colleen White February 26, 2017 at 9:14 pm

I just love you. I always have, ever since I began to read your blog from the beginning when I had my RNY 8/11. I feel and understand your pain, your defeat, your anger at the God you love. I have no advice, no magic (of course, there is no magic). I do have one little thing to give you. Take a small glass or jar, half fill it with a little water, apple cider vinegar and a good dose of honey. Stretch plastic wrap tightly over the top then make quite a few holes with a toothpick. Watch those darned fruit flies begin to congregate inside and be unable to leave. I wish everything else had an easy answer,

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Heather c February 26, 2017 at 9:37 pm

I am at a loss for words, as I am with you in your pain spiraling down the black hole that seemingly has no end. (((big warm sincere hug.))) PS- it’s SO much easier to read negative feedback. Read the positive feedback 10x over. Most understand your heart & journey. Much love.

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Conny Fischbach February 26, 2017 at 9:46 pm

Big big hugs from far away! I love your blog and I am with you!

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SK February 26, 2017 at 10:54 pm

I’m so glad you are blogging. You don’t owe us anything, but we want to help. You’ve said that writing helps. So we are listening. We care about you.

You say that your brain is wired wrong. It probably is! I don’t mean that to be mean. I mean, you probably have a chemical malfunction in the brain. Losing weight is a lot more than deficit calories; it involves hunger hormones, brain chemicals, even insulin in the pancreas. So I urge you to get your depression and anxiety checked and let pharmaceuticals HELP you. You are struggling so hard and life shouldn’t require white-knuckling 24/7.

Signed,
-single mom
-gastric sleever
-long term user of Zoloft
-recent adopter of anti-anxiety meds
-big believer in therapy (biofeedback), too

You don’t have to do this alone. And “this” is finding peace, not necessarily losing weight.

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Deja February 26, 2017 at 11:19 pm

Give yourself some grace. Addiction is hard. I was literally just in your same place. I’d lost weight and was doing good but just couldn’t keep going. It’s hard waking up every day and knowing it’s going to be a fight ALL DAY, EVERYDAY. I’m still over 300 but finally back in the right mindset. I really hope you ignore the person who said you should stop sharing. You’re not alone and so many of us have been there. You cannot hate or belittle yourself into losing weight. You are a person living with a very hard and REAL disease. I know you feel knocked down but I know you can get back up again. It may take a long time but one thing you can start doing right now, whether you eat healthy and exercise or not is stop with the negative self talk. You are not a failure and God is not done with you yet! Hang in there girl!

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PO February 26, 2017 at 11:50 pm

So clearly it’s not about losing weight, but how to keep from regaining and not feel deprived. Hard to do. And no one understands unless they live it. Don’t you ever wonder what your brain a soul would do and if they weren’t yoked to the weight loss saga year after year after year? I wonder what that freedom would feel like.h It’s about BELIEVING you are enough. That’s one foothold on the mountain back up. Keep blogging please.

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Debi Lefever February 27, 2017 at 12:12 pm

My dearest Holly. I am right beside you girlfriend. So many people tell me all the time that I should have the surgery. But I keep saying that until I change or get rid of all the “old tapes” playing in my head, surgery won’t help me. The tapes are from verbal abuse from my Mom, who passed away in 2004, but yet I cannot seem to get those hateful lies out of my brain. PLEASE DO NOT stop publically blogging. I learn so much from your blog. Many blessings to you.

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Carla (from Alabama) February 27, 2017 at 2:11 pm

I have been reading your blog for a couple of years. I found it when I was searching for something to help me in the bathroom when I weighed 436 pounds. You had a very open and honest post about this situation, and it helped me so much. From that time on I have read your blog. I am so happy when I see a post from you. Thank you for sharing so openly for those of us who are struggling and can “hear” what you are saying.

Praying with you for all of us in this world who are struggling with all types of addiction. God is bigger than them all and He is the answer.

Carla
Carla (from Alabama) recently posted..Another Year.My Profile

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Lynne February 27, 2017 at 2:49 pm

It’s clear you’re pissed off, and I appreciate your honesty on so many levels. God has nothing to do with your weight; and you probably know that; and that doesn’t really matter.

Do you have a therapist? a psychiatrist? I know it’s hard to find capable people – but they do exist and they can help. It’s clear to me (and apparently a lot who have commented) that you need more than what you can do on your own. DBT, CBT, not Weight Watchers or surgery. I regained all that I lost and I feel a lot of what you do… You know what to do – the calorie count of any food, the calorie burn of any exercise and here we are… Stuck. AND YOU (AND I) CAN DO BETTER.

Please don’t give up. You know how good it feels when you feel good, right?

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Danielle February 27, 2017 at 3:20 pm

Holly, this was heartbreaking to read, but not surprising for those of us who have been following you for years. One thing I have always wondered while reading your posts (particularly when you reference your divorce or your relationship with your mother) is “I wonder if she has ever gone to therapy?” As Lynne mentioned above, it can be very hard to find the right person, but it is SO worth it. It took me literally 8 tries to find the right therapist to help me with my eating disorder, and it was a very frustrating process, but when it clicked – it was SO WORTH IT. As you mentioned in your post, this is clearly not an issue of you not knowing what to do to lose weight. Obviously, you know what to do. Now you need the emotional tools in order to be able to put all of your knowledge to work. Please consider going and speaking to someone and don’t give up if they are not the right fit. You are an amazing mom and your kids need you!

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Carmen February 27, 2017 at 4:04 pm

I love this blog so much, I would pay to have it made into a book rather than lose this blog. You have meant a lot to so many of us. Thanks is not enogh to say.

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Julie February 27, 2017 at 4:12 pm

The people that are telling you to stop blogging are ones that don’t need help or don’t have loved ones in a similar situation. Thank you for writing this. My husband was a recovering alcoholic that started to drink again. He had the same demons and ended up killing himself. To hear your prospective actually helps me to understand why he did it. I can’t ask him since he is no longer on this earth, but reading your story has opened my eyes to the pain and struggles he must have been going through in his head. He used to tell me that the pain was just too much. I just couldn’t understand why he just couldn’t stop drinking. You just stop….it’s that easy! Little did I know. So thank you for sharing…this has really helped me.

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urkiddinme February 27, 2017 at 10:29 pm

Wrong. Blogging isn’t helping Holly. Writing may be helping her, but the comments, well-meant as they are, are ANGERING and frustrating her on top of the weight regain and other life issues that are bleeding her energy. The blog is NOT HELPING her. I am suggesting she walk away from it and live real life OFF THE INTERNET where she can give herself her full attention without worrying about how her words are affecting hundreds of people she’s never met. Those of you begging/demanding she keep exposing her struggle for YOUR benefit are selfish. Don’t assume that I’ve never needed help or loved someone who did, either, Miss.

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AC February 28, 2017 at 9:40 pm

Maybe, urkiddingme, you should also walk away from this blog and live real life OFF THE INTERNET. At the time I am typing this, you have expressed your opinion 3 different times (your original comment, plus 2 replies to comments). Holly and all of us know and understand your suggestion. There is no need to repeat it over and over again here, even if you disagree with the opinions of other posters.

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Deb Willbefree February 28, 2017 at 10:42 pm

urkiddinme,

I understood your original comment the minute I read it. You were trying to rescue Holly from what you believe is self-imposed torture.

Now. Take a deep breath and let. it. go.
Deb Willbefree recently posted..And, then, there was a miracle…My Profile

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Dave February 27, 2017 at 4:23 pm

Please don’t stop blogging. Appreciate your honesty.

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Anneli February 27, 2017 at 4:52 pm

I love so many of these comments. I wanted to put my two cents in about how you can know that God hasn’t given up on you. It’s because He isn’t relying on you (or any of us). That’s why He sent us Christ. All of us are hopeless and weak, but Christ took care of that. Anybody plus Christ = 100% All God asks is that we try–and I can’t think of anyone who has tried harder than you have! If you’ll trust me with your address, I’d love to send you one of my favorite books, Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson. He points out that while many of us believe IN Christ, we often have a much harder time actually believing what He tells us–that He loves us, and is in fact, capable of healing and redeeming us.

I also had a thought that might help you feel better. You said that your brain is “wired wrong.” Well, what if you’re right? How much do you think God is going to condemn you for that? How much do you condemn others whose brains are “wired wrong” and as a result have cerebral palsy, MS, bi-polar, blindness or any other problem? Not at all of course. And while Christ can heal any of these diseases, usually we are asked to walk by faith as best we can in this life.

I would bet anything that if Christ were to visit you in person today He would put his arms around you and tell you how much He loves you and how proud He is of you.

Cheer up!
Anneli

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Monique February 27, 2017 at 7:10 pm

When I was little, I used to feel badly because I was not great at school. I would get really down on myself. One dad my dad printed out this picture at his work and taped it to my desk at home, and there it stayed for many years. Maybe it will give you a boost this morning 🙂

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/81/f7/c3/81f7c3ca8378f43e1da8dfdeb7252523.jpg

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Brenda February 27, 2017 at 8:01 pm

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iaWGkHAXNzE

Please listen. Prayers you find your fight back.

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Sally February 27, 2017 at 10:34 pm

Found your blog by accident and it has become the first one I check when I turn on the computer…hoping you have posted something new. However, this is my first time commenting. I find it amusing that people tell you to stop blogging….how about this to those people…..stop reading it! Don’t come to this blog…stay away then! But for those of us who identify with you but can’t quite articulate it as well as you do, we need your posts! You are the only blogger I have found that knows exactly what it is like fighting food addiction and has the ABILITY to write about it. Your honesty gives me hope that there is HOPE! Because when you post it proves you haven’t totally given up yet, and I pray that you never do! You are a light to me!

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Bonnie February 28, 2017 at 2:43 pm

I have no great words of wisdom for you but I do want to remind you that you ARE enough. Whether you are 300 lbs or 150 you are a much-loved child of God. If you do nothing else today, please remember that. You ARE enough. You ARE loved.

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Rebecca Oseguera February 28, 2017 at 4:01 pm

Me too.
I once lost 160, had flashbacks, then a breakdown, and gained it back. Once i lost 200 and repeated the whole thing.
I still dont understand what happened. I still don’t understand how i can switch gears like that. Its like two completely different personalities. It is like two different worlds. Its terrifyingly.
And i don’t understand. So im afraid it could happen again.
For now im doing lots of mental work in effort to get my mental stuff together. I’m working on it. But i don’t think I’ll ever feel safe, and that’s a scary thought.
Still i know I’m so much happier when i care for myself and don’t numb myself by eating too much. I really like living this way better. I’m going to fight for it.
Please know you are in my prayers. And i think i understand. You’re the first person who’s explained this so clearly.

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Shannon February 28, 2017 at 7:16 pm

There are a lot of people who won’t understand your frustrations or “negative” talk, but those of us who have been in similar situations DO understand. When I read your words, I have understanding and sympathy for you. I wouldn’t begin to start to tell you how to “fix it” because as you know this is a very personal thing that has to start from within you. But, I will say that you’ve actually helped me with your words. That may sound funny to say, but it’s true. Saying a heartfelt prayer for you, friend!

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Kristi February 28, 2017 at 9:32 pm

Oh holly, I feel your pain. I’m on the other end and at the top of the mountain. I still am scared beyond belief to gain yet again. I’ve lost at least 100 pounds four times in my life. I think the only difference this time around that has kept me in maintenance for more than a year now is your blog writing about sugar and it’s addition, and how I should listen to my body and I don’t have to eat breakfast if I don’t feel like it. Simple things, but the way you wrote about them were new and mind blowing to be. You have a wealth of information and you are a lifeline to many of us out here. I have no advise for you, I still can’t figure out why this time worked when I started and not the 1000’s of other times. My only thought is you can’t give up. God his only son for your life, no matter how unworthy you feel. No one can ever do enough to be worthy, but God already knows that. That is where Grace has stepped in and covered the gap we all have. God bless you, I so hear your need for a friend, please step out and ask (hope to see you walking again). I know that anyone would be lucky to have you as a good friend.

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Brian March 1, 2017 at 11:03 am

First of all, I’d like to congratulation you on losing 250 pounds. Yay!! I know it seems like you’ve plateaued. Maybe this will help a bit. 20 years ago I was an over weight couch potato. In the 90’s I was gaining 10 pounds a year, it had to stop or eventually it would kill me. I set a goal of running a marathon to lose weight. Long story short, five years later I ran my first marathon and seven years later my third and dropped nearly 100 pounds. My point is it took five years to run my first one! There was a lot of time I plateaued, got injured, and just plain doubted I could get there.

About God. Sometimes His will for us isn’t ours. Maybe His will for you is to lose 250 lbs and lead a healthy lifestyle. And to share your story and encourage others. Pray for guidance and keep on helping others.

God bless you!

Brian

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Shay from Trashy Blog March 1, 2017 at 9:29 pm

WOW. I loved this more than any other blog post you’ve ever written. Do NOT stop writing. Writing is a passion and helps those of us who can’t live without it to feel GOOD. Whatever our topic, if we are writers, writing lifts us up.

Secondly, your honesty. WOW, your honesty. So many people can relate. I’ve been VERY fortunate to never have had a weight issue. I’m very OCD and full of anxiety, and working out has always helped with that. However, recently I changed my diet and (sort of) inadvertantly lost 40 pounds, and yes, the drinking to take the place of nightly snacks–or whatever else a person does to keep hands and mouths busy–is a real thing that so many of us struggle with. It’s all about balance and you know this and hopefully you’ll get there! We’re rooting for you.

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Kellie March 2, 2017 at 12:45 am

Girl, you need to give yourself a break!

All of these heavy worries on your shoulders day in and day out – no wonder you are emotionally and physically exhausted!

You have a Bachelor’s in psychology, so I’m not going to spew a bunch of fun facts your way but I will say this: Take a deep breath. Have a moment of pause. Look at all of the GOOD that you do day in and day out. You take care of your kids. You work hard. You do what you have to do to keep your ship running. You lost 300lbs! Holy shikes that is freaking amazing!

You realized that alcohol had become your transfer addiction, so you stopped drinking! Not everyone is as tuned into their inner self as you are. I think it’s awesome you discovered this and then just stopped! Okay, yes– the food addiction found it’s way in again. Like you, I have been at this rodeo a hundred times before. However, unlike you — I was not super successful. You on the other hand, HAVE been a success and WILL be a success again!

Find something that fills your cup. Your cup/tank/ whatever you want to call it – is running on empty right now. If you can, take some time for yourself. Also, give yourself daily affirmations. As cheesy as it sounds, it works. You are worth everything and you are enough!! More than enough!!

Sharing your honest story is why I have read your blog over the years. Successes are great and everyone wants to know about them but people shy away from those moments when the struggle is beyond real. Share your struggles! Forget about the haters or the negative commenters. They aren’t worth your time or energy.

((((HUGS)))))

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Michele March 2, 2017 at 4:29 pm

Holly hang in there and keep writing. I look forward to every blog you write. You have a gift for writing and it feels like we are right there with you. You are in a tough situation right now. A single parent from the time your kids were little, working full time to support them……I really don’t know how you have done everything you have and how you have been able to keep it together as well as you have. You have shared so many of the things going on with your house, car and children. All part of life…..life is not easy. You are in a low right now, but I know you will find the strength in God and get thru all of this. Lots of people out here are praying for you. This to will pass and soon you will get the strength to turn things around. Hang in there and know that God is nearby. Just let him know you need him to take over and at this point you can’t do it on your own.

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Lori March 3, 2017 at 3:49 am

You are not alone. There a many of us out here that know exactly what you are feeling. Those of us that can’t “just have one piece”. That can’t “just eat smaller portions”. Sugar is a drug. Period. It is all or nothing. Just sending you hugs and support always!
Lori recently posted..Quick Check InMy Profile

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PrincessDieter March 4, 2017 at 2:05 pm

Know one thing: You are not alone. I”m right there with ya, sister.

Including the moments of self-loathing.

I blogged for years to try and find my weight loss mojo (starting around 2007). I didn’t get that mojo until 2010. From there to 2012, I ate great, exercised great, got very close to goal weight (9 pounds away), before the regain started. Appetite went mad. Some health issues had me give up exercising. Depression and anxiety–my old friends since I was in grade school. I lost 129 lbs altogether during the “glory years” of self-control while blogging. I regained 80. I’m still trying to find the mojo to not be perfect, just be BETTER.

I stopped blogging in 2013, and the regain was very slow. 1/2 a week usually, sometimes a bit more–3/4 or 1 pound last year, when I was sedentary and sick a lot and medicating the depression with food. But in 4 years , it adds up, that 1/2 pound a week, 2+ pounds a month.

Know a second thing: God doesn’t care what size you are: His love encompasses the big and small and everything else. What He cares about is gluttony. Some people are slim naturally, others aren’t. Some are controlled by food and are thin (they throw up or they just starve, which is a type of food control). Some are controlled by food and are pudgy. Some, like us, are obese or morbidly obese.

Some are not controlled by food and are still chubby or big. They have others reasons for being bigger than fashion magazines want or even the doctor wants, but they aren’t controlled by food urges. They don’t binge. They might have medical issues or physiological uniqueness to be larger. And that’s that.

The only thing we need to work on is not being controlled by food. Even if we never get slender, the battle is won if food is not our master.

But the most important thing is that even if society finds us gross, our value in God’s eyes is unchanged in larger bodies. I’m fortunate to have a husband who for 35 years has loved me slim, chubby, huge, slimmer again, big again. His love is unwavering and devoted. He reminds me being that way that God is even MORE gracious, faithful, steadfast, unchanging in his love. He loves you and he loves me, and the weight is NOT gonna get between Him and us.

Paul’s list of things that cannot separate us from the love of God can have this: how many fat cells are on your body. He knew before we were born we’d have weight issues. He simply says, “I love you. I have grace. Ask me. Depend on me. And keep walking. Keep up the good fight. I’m with you. No matter what. Loving you.”

It’s very hard when society wants you thin and toned to accept fat and flabby. I miss the muscles I had after 5 years of personal training in Pilates. Loved the strength and flexibility. But I don’t have the $$ for personal training anymore and on my own my exercise desire is pretty near zip. And when you get big (I’ 250 now), it’s hard to move. HARD on the feet and knees. I’m starting all over again with the weight, the pains, the lethargy, the…well…the exhaustion over the size of the mountain.

But we’re not alone. We don’t do it just for ourselves. Even if the loss is 10 pounds–that loss might help blood pressure and glucose regulation. It might save us from a premature stroke.

Be there for your kids. Even if it’s 5, 10, 15 pounds, fight the fight. Don’t think “slim again. “Just think, “In control enough to do good for myself and my family. A little good every month for all of us.”

And God will walk with you and with me and He is in nor rush. He’s eternal and so are we. We’ve got time.

One day, in resurrection bodies, weight will be one of those “former things” that will have “passed away.” We only live a little while and then we live forever. Just hold on. Forever is pretty close. Make this time a little better for those who love you and need you on earth.

That’s what matters. Love. Not fat. Love. Losing the fat is just about being more alive for those who need us to be. To enjoy what we can until Paradise comes.

God bless. Let’s keep fighting the good fight for love. Our bodies are damaged. Our brains probably are, too. Our metabolisms are screwed. But faith moves mountains. Let’s cultivate faith to move a small clod of earth, then a mound, then a small hill….

Faith, hope, love: the big virtues. We hold onto them, right?

Shalom.
PrincessDieter recently posted..A Warring Week, Good Meals, Bad Meals, AKA A Divided Will AKA Old Me vs New Me AKA ARGH!My Profile

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Deb Willbefree March 5, 2017 at 6:04 pm

Princess! I think of you often. So sorry to hear that you’ve had a regain. Alas, so have I. I made it until surgery knocked me off of my feet and kept me there for 3 months. Beginning the day before Thanksgiving. Yep. Holidays….pain…forced immobility. The rest is history. I didn’t till I’d gained back every pound. Like you, a few at a time. Right now, I’m heading in the right direction (at 213 now), but I tread gently, nothing is promised in this WL game.

It warms my heart to hear you’re still in Jesus. Your comment was a very good word. Thanks for that; many of us needed it and I, for one, nodded all the way thru.

So good to hear from you.

Deb
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PrincessDieter March 7, 2017 at 12:25 pm

Lyn! Hi…it’s been, hah, YEARS. 😀 I do hope you are doing well, weight struggles notwithstanding. And I’m always with JEsus, have been since I was 15. In fact, over the last two years, both hubby and I have a vision of moving and buying a home that we can use as a base for home ministry (home church). So, the walk continues.:D
PrincessDieter recently posted..A Warring Week, Good Meals, Bad Meals, AKA A Divided Will AKA Old Me vs New Me AKA ARGH!My Profile

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K March 6, 2017 at 4:08 am

Your words are truth. Thank you.

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shri March 7, 2017 at 10:18 am

it has very useful information about weight loss very useful
awesome i liked it very much it is also about fitness keep it up than ks

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Diane March 13, 2017 at 4:23 am

Just a quick note to tell you that I admire the fact that you can write so truthfully about what you are going through. And believe me – even though you may have more to lose than many others – the fact is we all suffer from many of the same problems. We start each day determined to do everything right and end up in failure. Look at how many overweight people there are in our country – and none of those people want to be overweight. Losing weight is hard – really hard – and lots of people never do it. On a more important note – even if you give up on losing weight – please don’t give up on God. We all go through so many problems on earth – weight is just one of many – but I assure you that God knows what you are going through and that He loves you no matter what your failure. You sound like you are a wonderful mom. Remember that when you start beating yourself up. You deserve a lot of credit for all you have gone through.

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Horrible_Monster March 17, 2017 at 12:35 am

I can’t stand that someone would tell you to “stop blogging” because they’re uncomfortable with the strength of your emotions and the truth of your situation. Please don’t ever feel compelled to hide or be dishonest. Just as you don’t OWE anyone a peek into your life, neither do you owe us a gauzy, fake version of your life.

I’m thinking good thoughts for you. I have only a tiny insight into what you’re struggling with right now, and it sucks, and it’s okay to admit when it sucks.

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russelagra April 4, 2017 at 9:54 am

Really useful information

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Lou April 23, 2017 at 1:01 pm

Transfer addiction is very real. I’m just like you, Holly. That’s why I am reluctant to completely give up sugar. I know myself and that something else will take its place.

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AmY April 23, 2017 at 3:24 pm

You are a brilliant writer. Have you ever read I know this much is true by Wally lamb or any of Jennifer weiners books? Your writing style is similar. Have you ever given writing fiction a try? I hear it can be addictive. Hang in there!

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