I’ve been holding off 300 like a tidal wave that’s coming. Every week I get closer. And there’s almost no point anymore. I have tried so hard to stop this from happening. And I’m so tired of the people who simply tell me to stop eating.
“Food isn’t your best friend.”
“Just don’t eat sugar anymore.”
“Follow your food guide–you’ll be fine”
People who say these things…people who follow a math formula easily out of the dark are NOT understanding what I’m going through.
Do you think I don’t KNOW how to lose weight? Do you think I need someone to tell me how to do it??
I have probably lost more weight in the past few years than most people have lost in a decade. I have probably lost single handedly TRIPLE the amount of weight many have ever had to lose. And the people who seem to think it’s so simple? If they lost as much weight as I have..they’d already be dead. TWICE. Because they’d be 250 pounds under their body weight. As that is how much weight I lost—THIS time.
So yes I know HOW to lose weight. HOW is not the problem. If you ask millions of overweight people out there they will tell you the same thing.
The HOW is not the problem. We know the HOW. It’s the something-in-between that baffles us.
Or perhaps I should call it the upside down.
Ever seen the show Stranger Things? The Upside down is that other world. The one you get pulled into and can’t get out of.
That’s where I’m living right now.
In the Upside Down. And giving me some kind of food log won’t get me out. Because it’s not about that. I already know that. I’m an expert in it.
The upside down is much more mysterious. It’s where people who already know exactly how to lose their weight and maintain it somehow get sucked back in out of no where.
It’s the lost world. It’s the matrix. It’s the in between and the upside down.
I’ve lost hundreds of pounds multiple times in my life. That means I’ve climbed MOUNTAINS upon mountains. Over and over again. Only to slide back down to the bottom and be told to climb that mountain again.
It takes an incredible amount of motivation, perseverance and dedication to lose weight. In fact, weight is the perfect word. Because that’s what this is. A WEIGHT that bears down on you. Not just physically but mentally. And it’s draining. It is a lot like lifting weights. You can’t hold the burden of that weight up there forever. Eventually you have to put it down.
I lost 250 pounds. But I guess I just couldn’t make it any further. I tried. I tried the hardest I have ever tried. And I started climbing that mountain for the 500 millionth time when I started this journey.
I’m tired. I’m old. And maybe I’m just done.
Do you know how much mental energy it takes to lose weight? To fight the demons that live in your head???
If you don’t then you’re not like me. And you should be grateful for that.
If you wonder why I don’t just pull it together already and EAT RIGHT—then you have no idea what battle I’m fighting. Because the battle has almost nothing to really do with food. Or sugar. At least I don’t think so anymore.
You think I don’t KNOW what I need to do??? You think I don’t KNOW what food plan I need to follow?
You’re the person standing at the front door holding out a key and screaming at me because I won’t use it.
Frustrating isn’t it? To look at people and know what they should do. And then wonder why they just won’t do it?
You think it’s that simple?
You think I don’t know that the key will open the door??
Of course I do. Just go to the top of my blog and click the tab that says “Sugar Addiction/Detox”. I wrote that! And I wrote it from the top of the pit staring down. From the pinnacle of the mountain looking back. Having climbed out of the wreck and now clearly able to see it for the mess it was. Knowing exactly what needs to be done to release myself from the prison of sugar addiction. I wrote that and it’s all true . If you follow it, you’ll win!
And yet somehow I can’t make it happen. The key keeps falling out of my hand. Down the drain. I peer at it through the grate. I see it just beyond my grasp. And yet I’m somehow at a loss to get it back.
There is a disconnect in our world between the people who know how we should eat and the people who just can’t find the mental fortitude to eat that way. It’s not that we need another diet book. Or another nutritionist. PLEASE NO! If I never see another nutritionist in my life it will be too soon.
No I don’t need a portion plate. Or container. I don’t need a calorie counter or another exercise machine.
What I need is A NEW BRAIN.
What I need is another personality.
I had weight loss surgery in 2011 and they took out the wrong organ. They should have taken out 85% of my brain not 85% OF MY STOMACH. My stomach wasn’t the problem.
I AM THE PROBLEM
I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology. Tell me that isn’t funny! And I don’t need you to tell me about another diet. Or another book. Or another pill.
And what I sure as hell don’t need is a revision to my surgery. A second surgery. So I can lose a bunch of weight by force only to find myself right back where I started when my stomach loosens up and my brain takes back control.
I lost 250 pounds and then I picked up drinking. Never had a problem before with it in my life. Never even cared for it. But take food away and I’m ready to drink or smoke just about anything you can put in front of me. And I’m nothing more than a naive, sheltered Mom of 4 kids who barely picked up a wine glass before.
Transfer addiction is REAL.
My brain will find it. My brain will crave it. Take away donuts and something more dangerous will take its place
Whatever I put down, something worse will replace it.
Sometimes I wish I had never started this. Sometimes I wish I had never tried. Sure—maybe I was over 400 pounds. Maybe I would have been 600 by now. Or dead. But at least I was a good Mom. At least they could remember me that way. Because some of the ridiculous crap that has gone on in the past few years after I lost 250 pounds and started drinking is beyond what you could imagine. I sure as hell wouldn’t write about it. If I could even remember half of it—that is.
Someone asked me the other day if I would recommend weight loss surgery. Knowing what I know now.
All I can tell you is that I would not recommend it for myself. And no–I wouldn’t do it again.
Because I would rather have kept gaining weight and died at 10000 pounds. I would rather have been cut out of my house by the jaws of life. It would have been a humiliation. It would have been surely not the way I’d want to be remembered. But it still would have been a more respectable way to go out than losing 250 pounds and taking your newly thin self out with the most wrecked and damaged self esteem a person could have after a lifetime in an obese body having been abandoned by your husband for being too fat. Walk into a bar with that wrecked self esteem and a new body. You’ll have the best time of your life and wake up tomorrow feeling like sh*t.
I used to believe in God. I still do. I just don’t think He believes in me anymore.
God was my best friend. Until I met Rumplemintz. And their friend Tito. Vodka is low carb, right? It should be ok!
I spent so much time at the bar, I got invited to baby showers. Weddings. Funerals. And why? Because somehow no matter how much weight I lost, I still felt like a loser. Like I needed someone to validate my existence.
Someone to tell me I’m pretty.
Maybe 30 years of people leaving notes on your windshield and yelling “You’re Fat” out the window was the reason I needed it so bad.
Maybe knowing it was my fault that my children grew up without a Dad in the house was the reason.
Because my weight was the reason. My weight was the cause.
Am I good enough now?
I’ve lost almost all the faith I ever once had because God has to know I’m a lost cause.
When I fully realized I had transferred one addiction for another–I decided to stop drinking alcohol.
And that’s when food just came back into play.
Moved right back in like it had never left.
Apparently I don’t know how to balance.
I only know how to see-saw.
I’m the most high functioning dysfunctional person I know. Because I still support all of my kids by myself. I work insane hours every week teaching online. Even though for some reason a handful of my readers still think I lied about my education. Which doesn’t even surprise me. Because how can you be that fat and that “stupid” in your ability to lose weight— if you’re educated? Right?
I mean how can you KNOW what to do and still not be able to do it?!
Also I have fruit flies in my house. And they’re driving me crazy.
And there’s not even fruit anywhere at all. Just brownies. So what gives?
I’ll probably delete this when it dawns on me that I told you too much. But if it helps someone then it’s worth it.
Although I really don’t know how it could.
I had one good day this week. ONE. It was amazing. I walked 1 mile around my neighborhood. I ate on my food plan. I went to bed early. And I prayed. I woke up the next day and screwed it all up again as usual.
It’s tiring you know? Being a screw up.
My brother used to weigh almost 500 pounds. And he lost all his weight. He’s now a personal trainer. He runs bootcamps. He helps thousands of people all over the country lose hundreds of pounds. But ME—his sister? He can’t help. And why? Because something in me is wired wrong. And even when I’m given every possible advantage— I still fail. He’s done everything anyone could ever do for me. And still here I am. A colossal failure.
Being a failure is exhausting.
But here we go again…..
One more trip up the mountain. Wonder how far I’ll get this time before the fall.
PS. Forgive me. If I offended you, I’m sorry. I guess I did because the very first comment on this blog post told me to stop writing “at least in public”! They even said I should take my blog down. So let me apologize again for removing the layer of BS and letting you see behind the curtain. For writing about the reality of what it feels like when you’re down in the pit looking up at how far you’ve fallen. This is probably one of the most rude posts I have ever written and I am sorry for that. When you try to detox off sugar, it makes you an a**hole. TO EVERYONE. No joke! I’m sorry for the starred out cuss words. For the mood swings. And yes– losing 10 pounds is hard. It’s probably no different from losing 1000. Hard is hard. So I’m sorry if I act like your struggle is less than mine. I’m just being a jerk right now because I’m discouraged. I’m playing the victim clearly. Acting like the fact that I have more weight to lose than you makes it somehow harder when I know deep down it’s not. I’ve been fighting to lose 10 pounds for a year so what’s the difference? It’s what we do. It’s just a defense mechanism. And mine are out in full force! If you’re lucky or unlucky enough to read this before I wipe it from the internet then just know you got way deeper into my head than most people ever do. And I’m sorry for that .
Because it’s not so nice in there is it?