Update from the Trenches….otherwise titled WTH is going on?!

January 14, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

My bucket has holes.  Every time I try to fill it with hope, it’s punctured from the bottom by life.

This update will have nothing fancy to it other than spilled tears on a page.  I want to keep you in the loop as I do not want to disappear again.  Disappearing is my ever present temptation even more than brownies.  Its the temptation to quietly slide into oblivion.  To casually drift into the great abyss.   To just slowly dissolve into nothingness until my blog is little more than one of those place holders on the internet.  Taking up space as a reminder of what once was.

I’m so dramatic today.  But my life is a confusing pile of question marks right now.

 

And I feel like it has been that way for far too long.  I often think to myself…what else is going to happen?? How much more can I take?? I don’t consider myself to be an especially ‘strong’ person.  And by that I mean mentally.  Emotionally.  PSYCHOLOGICALLY!!

I am NOT that strong.

And yet life keeps throwing me curve balls as if to test me in that belief.

At least that is how I feel today.

No one wants to hear me say this again.  But it’s still a fact of life.  I HATE that my mother is gone.  Maybe it’s true that we had some kind of strangely enmeshed relationship where I depended far too much on her emotionally.  I had a therapist tell me that once back when I was a teenager.  You see, my Dad had left when I was 12 and my brother who was 8 years older than me had moved out of state to pursue his career.  It was just me and my Mom for many years to come.  As I got older and desired more independence, we would often argue and tensions would arise.  She sent me to a therapist once as a result of these difficulties.  I was about 17 at the time.   But the therapist said that my issues stemmed from the enmeshed relationship I had with my mother.  It makes me laugh now to think of it.  As you can imagine, Mom didn’t want to hear that.  I’ve never seen a therapist fired so fast!!

To be enmeshed means to be entangled.  Perhaps even ensnared or entrapped.  I loved my mother but there were often no boundaries.  Her love was so wide and deep for me that if I could not find a pair of socks she would take them off her own feet and give them to me.  She would have cashed out her last dime to help me.  She made sure that I was never alone.  At the same time….she made sure that I was NEVER alone lol

That can be good and toxic depending….

The relationship she had with HER mother was similar.  And the relationship that I had with my grandmother was equally all encompassing.   It was a love that covers all things.  A love that will never let you go.  Never let you drown.  Never let you go a single day without someone in your corner.  And yet at times it was obtrusive.   Overstepping boundaries where some boundaries should have been.

For 40 years,  my grandmother and mother dominated over many aspects of my life.  And yet they saved me too.  When my husband left me alone with 4 children to raise (3 of which were in diapers) they swooped in like the calvary to save the day.  They made sure that I would be ok.  I can’t tell you how many times I wished they would back off.  How many times I wished I could have some semblance of my own life without the overly critical voices always analyzing my every move.  Documenting all mistakes for future conversations where “I told you so” was the theme.

And yet I also knew I would drown without them.  As much as I resented the ‘dictatorship’ that it often was…I knew my life would be some horribly dismal alternate universe without them.

Only I wonder today—is that universe where I now live?

When I was down, they would raise me up.  When I was depressed, they would validate my worth.   Remind me of my accomplishments.  Ensure me that I was capable and strong.  That I could do anything.

Have you ever been told by the exact same people that you are both weak and strong?? That you can do anything and nothing all at the same time? These conflicting messages often followed me through my life.  And who am I to judge? Have I not done the same at times with my own children?

For almost 40 years I could not escape the advice-forcing, life-controlling influence of my mother and grandmother. Ever present.  Ever-governing.  The regulators! The supervisors of it all!   And then without warning… it was all removed from me within one year’s time.  Unexpectedly, they were gone and my life has never quite been the same.  Things happen to me now and I often wonder…what do I do next? Am I right? Am I wrong?? I even sometimes speculate that the craziness of the last few years is because they were not telling me what to do.  As if their predictions were correct.  That if left to live my life on my own merit, I would fail.

The move to Virginia was a disaster.   Disappointing.  Discouraging.  And the biggest miscalculation I’ve made in decision making in years . It cost me not only money but a friendship.  One of the few significant relationships I had left after losing both my mother and grandmother.  Gone the second I put the for sale sign in the yard and decided to move back.  30 years of friendship and solidarity annihilated in an instant.  All because I no longer wanted to stay there.

We talked every single day for 30 years.  LITERALLY every single day.  At first it was letter writing or phone calls.  But then it was email.  And not a day went by that we were not in touch.  Through marriages, the birth of children, divorce, deaths.  We were not sisters by blood but rather by choice.   It was scary to uproot my children and move across the country.  I thought it took guts if I do say so myself.  It certainly took my hard earned money.  But it didn’t work out.  I couldn’t live there.  The idyllic view of a country life seen in movies was meant to stay on the theatre screen.   It did not translate well for me in reality.   My children are Texans.  But CITY Texans :))  San Antonio Texans.

Raised in a world that cannot be easily duplicated anywhere else.  We are used to weather without snow shovels.  The Rodeo.   Taco Trucks on every corner.  We step outside and hear mariachi music from the neighbors.  We live in a multicultural world with many ethnicities in a big city.  But now we were in a different corner.  A very SMALL corner.  One where diversity is edited out almost it seems and you must drive miles upon miles just to get ANYWHERE.  For many this is a dream come true but for us it turned out to be scary.   To live so far away from anywhere as a single Mother is terrifying.  Yes I had my friend but aside from that no one.  I had grown accustomed to a life where I could call a plumber.  Electrician.  Where I could easily request an Uber if my car broke down! But not the case there.  When you live alone and you survive alone—it is hard to do that in isolation.  I am not someone to depend solely on one person . I like to at least believe I can be independent.  But independence is not so easily done in the country.   Suddenly that corner of the world felt like a net set to suffocate us.  Not because that world isn’t beautiful for those that live there.  But simply because…it just wasn’t for US.

So I lost my mother.  My Nana and then my best friend.  And only those things after losing my marriage many years before.  If it wasn’t going to get better soon, it could only get worse.  And it has.

My relationship with my oldest daughter has been strained at best for years.  By my own doing I am sure.  When I lost a lot of weight, I branched out.  I dated too much.  I drank too much.  I traded brownies for alcohol and at times I acted like a teenager myself.  I am sure it was embarrassing at times for her to see her Mom go from the recliner to the bar.  From being at times an embarrassment due to my weight . And now due to my behavior.  Was one worse than the other?? Yes it was.  I partied.  I got drunk.  I dated men half my age.   I didn’t handle weight loss well.  Instead of using it as an opportunity to give God the glory….to serve him more fully….to be of help to others more thoroughly….I became selfish.  Often using the benefits of my weight loss to serve my ego.

That was the catalyst for my move to Virginia.  I felt I was slipping away.  Losing myself.  And I wanted to get back to the person I once was.  I thought moving next to someone who had known me my whole life would be the cure for that.  But I was wrong.  No one can cure you.  No one can fix you.  Only you can fix yourself.

I was so close to my oldest daughter.  We were best friends.  But when I chose to pursue my own life, I deserted her.  It felt like that I’m sure.  She had spent night after night monitoring me for certain death.  I was so big that I would often choke under my own weight.  She was always there an inch away to jostle me from sleep when that happened.  And then I was free from that prison and out the door.  Using my freedom to escape into a new life.  I wanted to have friends because I never had before.  I wanted a life.  Maybe even a relationship.  But it was all too much too soon.  And not done in the way it should have been.  Not only has the relationship with my best friend been ruined.  The relationship with my oldest daughter has been strained now to an irreparable state it seems.  One I am not sure we will ever get back to.

I returned to Texas but you can’t go back.  Nothing has ever been right since.  I moved into a house that I rented from friends with the agreement to purchase when my Virginia house sold.  But once we moved in they raised the previously agreed upon price of the house and I had to move again.  We bought this house and it’s had nothing but trouble . A leaking roof.  A broken air conditioner.  One thing after another that has to be fixed.  Electrical problems.  The dishwasher and refrigerator breaking.  Even the kitchen drawers come off their hinges.  At times I feel that I bought the money pit.

I lost my job due to funding being cut.  My ex husband retired from the Army and wants to lower child support.  I understand that his income is not the same but neither is mine.  And I have children whose needs do not change just because  our income does.  It is frightening to think this will all fall on my shoulders and just when I think I can’t take anymore…I get in a car accident that is deemed my fault.

And why wouldn’t it be, right?? Isn’t everything??

Oh yes…the victim card….let’s pull it some more.  Because that’s always fun to listen to!

USAA paid for my repairs but hours after leaving the shop my car begins to smoke.  Then they decide that whatever was wrong was not related to the accident.  It had to be!! But they say no.  I had to pay for 1500 in car repairs 2 days before Christmas.  And the dealer took THREE WEEKS to repair my car.  They kept ordering the wrong part and needing more time.  Wrong part again??? Another week?? And…wait…really? Another week?!  I had to rent a car for 3 weeks out of my own pocket.  Another 600 dollars gone.

And all of this right before my ex husband decides that he can no longer pay child support.  And all of this right before Christmas.

Thankfully I have a new job.  It is the one blessing in my life right now that is going MY way.  But just when I think things might start to look up….I go for my annual doctor’s appointment and get tragic news.

Stage one breast cancer that has spread to my lymph nodes.

REALLY???????????

Can things just STOP HAPPENING please?? Can I just get a break?

After receiving this devastating news, I decided to go back to the doctor I had before Obamacare (not complaining…just saying that is my insurance).  I am self employed so I pay out of pocket for it.  And I have never felt good about this doctor.  I had had things that we are ‘watching’ which he suddenly said were fine.  And now things which were ‘fine’ which he suddenly now says are tragic.   Something told me to pay out of pocket to go see my original doctor.  The one I used to have before my job was cut and they tossed me out of Blue Cross/Blue Shield.  When they requested my medical records and test results….it was relayed that perhaps they mixed up my results with some other patient.

Yes…MIXED UP

Only now my entire file is gone.  ZAP! No where to be found

Do I have cancer?? Or don’t I? Does someone else have cancer and they don’t know it because their results were given to me? I am so confused that it is beyond me now to even relay to you what the last week has been like.  I just don’t know anymore which way is up or down.

I am waiting on my test results again.  I am waiting with trepidation.  Uneasy. Unsure.  Hoping beyond hope that my results WERE mixed up.  That I was given someone else’s test results.  And that I do NOT have cancer.

And then feeling miserably disgusting that I’m actually wishing that fate to someone else.  Because  of course I do not wish these test results on someone else! But if I was given the wrong results then someone else was given mine.  If I am NOT the one with cancer then someone else is.  How can I pray for my results to be the good ones without simultaneously wishing this fate on another?

I’m trying to think positive.  To focus on work and the kids.  To remember all the strong women who have fought cancer and survived.  If indeed that is my next journey.  But some part of me wants to just know…..

WTH IS GOING ON???

Why does it feel like my life has been a never ending trip down a sidewalk of landmines for the last few years.  Skipping from one pothole to the next.  Never landing on solid ground.

And through all of this I’m back up to 285.  Every pound I lost gone into a tear stained oreo box.

Will I ever learn to live without the comfort of food?

 

Will it even matter anyway at this point??

Will I get to watch my kids grow up??  Will life finally take me out??

And what will happen to my children if I cannot be here to care for them? This is my greatest fear in life come true!

Fear envelops me like a dark companion that has moved in and set up shop.  Without my Mom and Nana to tell me ‘what to do’, I drift at times aimlessly.  Wondering if I have it in me to fight another battle of epic proportions.  Having already failed miserably at the weight loss battle, what will cancer make of me if indeed it is the next visitor to knock on my door?

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Beth M January 14, 2017 at 6:15 pm

Oh Holly, I wish I lived close enough to come over there and give you a hug. Life really has handed you more to deal with in the last year than anyone should have to bear. We’re all keeping you in our prayers, hoping your test results come back with good news. You really are an amazing, strong woman, and I know you can get through this.

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Pam January 14, 2017 at 6:19 pm

Indeed you have had more than your share. I pray for you about this cancer diagnosis, but not only for you, but for whoever else it might affect, the person whose records might be mixed up with yours and your kids, because they do depend on you. Stage 1 is good. Concentrate on that. And also remember that cancer feeds on obesity so work hard on getting the weight back down, your life might depend on it now, as if it didn’t always. Prayers Holly!!
Pam recently posted..Seven Years Ago…..My Profile

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Barb January 14, 2017 at 6:23 pm

I pray it is just a medical mix up..it’s ok to pray that it is. You are not wishing doom on someone else. Be kind to yourself.

Just a suggestion..dismiss it if you like but I think overeaters anonymous would be a great fit for you. If you go to OA.org you can get a lot of info including a meeting close to you. You can also go to http://www.therecoverygroup.org/wts/ and there is a ton of reading that walks you through the steps of OA. It has been very helpful to me and has given me some guidance in getting thru life.

((Hugs))

Barb

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Mitzi January 14, 2017 at 6:23 pm

Oh dear girl, you are going to be alright. Wishing to not have cancer is not wishing it into someone else. It is a fact, a reality in someone’s life. Maybe yours, maybe not. I hope NOT. Clearly you are suffering and overwhelmed by life right now. You need to eat right and get yourself turned around right now. You may have a health battle ahead of you and you re going to have to be in the best shape you can be in. Stop right now. Throw out the sugar, throw out the grains and starch. Eat lean protein, eat tons of vegetables, have lower sugar fruits. When you want to soothe yourself with food take a walk, a bath, read a book, write a blog…take a nap. Stop right now worrying about stuff you cannot control and do the things you can. I know you can do this, and you know it. One day, in meal, one bite at a time. Get out of your head and get to work. Rooting for you over here!

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SH January 14, 2017 at 7:25 pm

One day at a time. That’s how you’ll make it.

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Susan Reese January 14, 2017 at 11:08 pm

Holly, I am lifting you up in prayer during this difficult time.
I want to say that you do not seem to view yourself even close to the woman that I see. I view you as a very capable and competent woman who has raised four beautiful children. Yes, you have encountered many rocks along your path but you continue on and do your best.
I want you to know that I admire you and I am sending loving thoughts your way.
❤Susan

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PaulaMP January 14, 2017 at 11:35 pm

First things first. I am horrified that the doctor lost your file, is everything not on computers these days? Praying you don’t have cancer. It’s hard to think of anything beyond that right now, I would not be able to either. I know you can get through this like you have everything else. I agree with the other commenter, throw out all the sugar now. It can do you no good no matter what you hear from the doctor.

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betsyjo January 15, 2017 at 4:44 am

I’ll be praying for you, Holly. God’s got this…all of it.

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LHA January 15, 2017 at 5:07 am

There was a time in my life that I now refer to as “the dark years”. My mother developed Alzheimer’s and had to come and live with me. I juggled her care with the care of my four children, ages 1-15, two of whom had chronic illnesses. My mother died after several years of living with us, and there were serious legal problems with her estate that dragged on for two years. I’m only telling you this because it seems like life has a way of dumping every bad situation that you can think of all at once. What you are going through now is devastating! My heart goes out to you in every way. I know how it feels to feel like you cannot catch a break and your life will never be right again. But I know that things will improve. Bad times never last forever but it is so hard to see it when you are right in the middle of such a difficult set of circumstances. My dark years were over ten years ago, and my life did get better and all the problems were resolved in one way or another. Some things went favorably for me, some did not, but all the bad circumstances did eventually disappear. Life is a series of ups and downs and I am just so sorry you are having such a rough time and feeling so overwhelmed and alone right now. Take heart! You have many people pulling for you. All good thoughts being sent your way.

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Karen P January 15, 2017 at 6:06 pm

Holly, I second the suggestion to get into an OA meeting and get support. Life is going to go on, good, bad and in the middle. But it will be a different life with support without your binge triggers.

Onward and I pray you can find food sobriety, ASAP. Karen P
Karen P recently posted..Migraines and headaches while staying food sober in weight maintenance, careful what you tell yourselfMy Profile

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Just Mom January 16, 2017 at 12:18 am

Oh, dear. You’ve had a rough time, no doubt about it. And, yet, as I read through this post as see–loud and clear–just how good our Father God is to us. Just look at the events you’ve written about here: You had a car accident, BUT no one was hurt. You had a large and unexpected bill at Christmas time, BUT you had the money to pay it. You lost your job, BUT you found another job quickly, amazingly quick. You got a bad report from the doctor, BUT you had the presence of mind to seek another opinion and had the money to pay for the appointment…and, now, it looks like that bad report was a mistake.

Holly, I’m not minimizing your troubles one bit, BUT God’s grace has been there for you every time. You are deeply loved by the Father, Holly; lean into Him–you’ll be safe in His arms. It’s His promise and He has proved Himself to be faithful.

When the fear rises, remember all those “buts” up there in my comment and know that the Father’s steadfast love covers you. Always.

https://youtu.be/OfJrxvVnmkE

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tb January 16, 2017 at 4:39 am

Dear Holly, Aw, I wish things were better for you. I have more to say, but for now I just wanted to stop by briefly and mention something about comfort foods. My roommate got a smoothie-maker called a Magic Bullet, but any good blender would work. Anyways, I have been making a lot of smoothies with hemp hearts, almond milk, honey, cocoa powder, blueberries, and other fruits. I make them nice and thick and cold. They are like liquid fudge and are smooth and yummy. They are pretty healthy, but are just like a dessert. Since making them, I am having lots of fun with many different types, and I no longer crave cookies, sugar, chocolate bars, ice cream, and all that stuff. I just love those smoothies! Try it, you might find it helps you, and that you are not as tempted to eat Oreos and stuff. I hope it helps you. Right now i am very sick with a horrible cold, the worst one I have had in three years, so that is all I will write for now. But I am thinking of you, and I will write again. Now I have to go and blow my nose again, like I have been doing all day. Okay, bye for now, and don’t forget to hug and kiss and pet your dogs. Dogs always make people feel better.

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Kyra January 16, 2017 at 3:12 pm

Ok, stop. Just take a big, deep breath. And another. I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I’m going to put some up anyway (knowing that you can listen or toss it, it’s totally up to you, and that is a good thing!)

First, a few things need to happen here that will relieve some of the pressure. The very first thing you need to do is fully acknowledge that you are a human being equal to every other one, and as such you have a right to be upset, to NOT want to have cancer, and to have things go right. Every other person has those rights, you said yourself you don’t want to “wish cancer on someone else”, well you have the right to not have it land on you too.

You have a right to health. You have a right to a life. You have a right to be unhappy or happy. You have a right to be a fully realized individual that should be treated as such, and not as service personnel to every other aspect of your life or those you have in your life. What I mean by that is that you are not responsible for everyone else in the way that you are stating it. Relationships take two people, and two people bear that responsibility. Own your part, but don’t pick up anyone else’s. Make peace with your mistakes, learn so the next time it’s different, and let them GO. They’re over and done, and haunting you serves no purpose.

The next thing I would say is that I have been in a place where the world blew up. I haven’t been in your circumstances, but I had my own that were pretty impressive. The best thing I did was start over. What I mean by that is, stop trying to save the tumbling tower and holding onto pieces that have already fallen. Take a breath, and act like you are at square one and start over (remember how starting was the first time you moved out? Young, a new life, and building from nothing?) How can you make things better for yourself moving forward? Build your world again, with the resources you have, and add goals to get to a better place that you want to be in. I know that all sounds too simple and a glossing over, but since I don’t actually know the tiny details that’s the best that can be said. Pull apart everything you have from your finances and assets, to things you have been putting off (do you need to do them?) and more, and… “rebuild, make something new”.

I have moved a lot, and I have found that while other places look like a fresh start, I’m still ME when I get there (which is always a disappointment. For some reason, I think I’m going to be different somewhere else.) What that means, though, is sometimes the rebuilding has to happen from inside. Figuring out what you truly want, and making a plan to go after it. Knowing that you are city folk was a really GOOD realization, you can work with that! I’m living in a suburban area having moved from the country (well all over, but we were in VT for 15 years), and I have the reverse problem on my hands. So not being where it “works” for you is something I completely understand, as well as not being able to go home.

I’ll stop, this is too long, and you didn’t ask for it anyway. But I will say this. You have a right to YOU. You have a right to be mad, or upset, or tired, or to make a mistake! I think that women in particular are given this sort of unwritten rule that we’re not allowed to make mistakes and that we’re supposed to make everything better for everyone else, too. That’s IMPOSSIBLE. I know it’s hard to set it down, and it’s something I struggle with every day, but you HAVE to let that go.

I hope the test results come back negative, and even if they DO come back positive, get a second opinion and test because I wouldn’t trust these guys (I mean, seriously?!) And then I hope you get a breath, or ten, and find your way. *hugs*
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Lori January 16, 2017 at 9:08 pm

Praying that it is truly a mix up between patients..
With everything you have gone through and are going through, you still can share it with us. This shows me just how strong a person you are, whether you realize it or not. Strong enough to get through all you have, and defiantly strong enough to beat this addiction. One day at a time is how you will do it. That, and with us surrounding you in support.
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Beth M January 17, 2017 at 10:59 pm

Holly, I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you today and praying for good medical news, and that God will help give you the strength to handle whatever news you may get. I know being a single mom is an incredible challenge, and having lost close family members and friends may leave you feeling lonely and adrift at times, but your readers are all here, caring about you, supporting you, and reminding you that we know you’re awesome, you’re strong, you’ve raised incredible children, and we believe in you!

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Patti January 18, 2017 at 3:35 am

Holly – You don’t know me but I have been following your blog for the past few years. You inspired me to take control of my life, and although I didn’t have WLS I had lost 230 by December 2014 following a low-carb diet. We have the same sugar/carb issues. I originally gained 130 lbs back over the past year, and so I really understand where you are. I’ve now been able to lose 40 lbs over the last couple of months. I want to point you to three resources that, when these are worked TOGETHER, have really helped me. 1) The Law of Attraction books by Abraham-Hicks. Not just any Law of Attraction articles from Google. You need to read the original books. They also have a weight loss DVD (but you need to read the books first.) 2) The Carbohydrate Addicts Diet by Rachael & Richard Heller. Start with the first, original one. 3) Women, Food & God by Geneen Roth. Get the audio version and listen to her speak. One of your (my) issues is that you keep telling the same story about yourself and who you are and what your weaknesses are and unless you stop doing that, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your (our) weight struggles are not your fault, they are rooted in biology. But the real answer is found in being kind to yourself, which takes practice. I hope you read this and accept my thanks for your inspiration. I pray that you are healthy and that the lab results were completely wrong and no one – including the other patient – has cancer. I hope you take the time to check out the resources above – and if you are already aware of them, please give them another chance. <3

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Kim January 18, 2017 at 1:01 pm

Holly, I’m sorry that you are hurting so much right now. I too know the feeling of being overwhelmed beyond belief! You are not a failure Holly what you are is human! God loves you so much beautiful lady and he does not for one second believe you are a failure! He loves you and calls you His beloved child. You will be in my prayers as you walk through this time! God is here to walk you through it as well. I know right now you probably feel like running away but instead take the time to “run to” Him! He can heal all the brokenness whether it is your heart, your relationship, your health or your finances. I’m not sure if you are connected to a church right now and a support system like a counsellor but they would be great places to start. Please don’t give in to the urge to sink into oblivion because you were made to shine. You are way to important to all of us and more importantly to your beautiful, wonderful children! ❤💚💙💜

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Dee January 19, 2017 at 7:11 am

I’m so sorry that you’re having such a testing time Holly. You strike me as the sort of lady who has the resilience to walk step by step through the fire, even if your feet are burning. Right now you’re feeling the pain of the heat under your feet but you’re still finding the next step, and the next. And it will pass. If you are sick you’ll find the strength to deal with that too.

I wish there was some way I could help but please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers Holly xx
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K January 19, 2017 at 2:07 pm

Holly,

I’ve come to your blog frequently, reading and feeling a kinship in this struggle called life that I believe is unique to those struggle with food addiction. It ministers to my soul. In you, I hear and see myself, although the details of our stories–our histories as it were are different. I’ve never commented to anyone online before, but I know you are a fellow believer. I feel God leading me to share something I recently heard which has had a positive impact for me. It’s this: Really you have one choice each moment of the day–to choose whether you are going to live this moment in faith or in fear. My go to is fear. I own it. I understand why. It’s logical in my brain to be on the lookout for danger, but it’s not who I want to be any longer. It served its purpose but its time to let God lead. God understands, accepts and loves me when I go to that dark place, but He wants me to live in His Faith. He loved me so much, He sent His Son to die for me. My faith in me, in my circumstances, in this world may elude me at moments, but if I can focus on His Faith, mine becomes stronger, bolder. It buoys me through rough seas. One moment at a time for me.

So that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power–1 Corinthians 2:5.

In addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.–Ephesians 6:16.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me–Philippians 4:13.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, that passes understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.–Philippians 4:6-7

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power. Of the Holy Spirit.–Romans 15:14

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 19, 2017 at 3:29 pm

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and leave me these scriptures. I really needed to hear this today!

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K January 20, 2017 at 5:44 am

You are more than welcome! Hopefully you had a faith filled day. Your life speaks to others—definitely me. Enjoy the moments and look for God in whatever comes. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28.

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VHMPrincess January 19, 2017 at 11:10 pm

I pray it’s not a mixup!!!! IIRC correctly, and google supports me on this, stage 1 is cancer that HAS NOT spread to lymph nodes. Stage 2A is small tumor and 2 or fewer nodes I believe. I would probably have words for whatever dr staged that for you if you find out this is not a mixup.
Please keep us updated, and prayers.

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VHMPrincess January 19, 2017 at 11:20 pm

Ok i can’t delete or edit – EGADS I was wrong, just googled again – stage 1 can be lymph nodes – IGNORE ME please in the info part, but still sending prayers your way for both health and maybe the universe giving you a break!! I AM SO SORRY –
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Debra August 13, 2017 at 4:48 pm

My story is almost the reverse of yours, Holly. I am a 2-year survivor of Stage 3b breast cancer who just had a gastric bypass surgery 10 days ago with the blessings of my oncologist. Cancer has a way of making one feel that life has been hijacked. For a time, but if you choose to fight, you will reclaim your life, a new life.

Cancer taught me a few lessons that were mine and mine alone to learn. 1) Who my friends REALLY are. They have changed because this experience and for the better. 2) How badly I really do want to live. For me and not for my kids. 3) What is important to me and what is no longer important. I don’t have time and energy for things that no longer serve me. 4) Most of all, it made me form a more beautiful, trusting relationship with God where I have learned to surrender and give it all up to Him to handle because I can’t handle it on my own. This was a departure for me because I have been very independent my entire life due to necessity. But now, I ask for help, and I give back only when I can.

I’m at the same weight you are. But look at it this way, in a new way. The best thing YOU can do to fight your cancer is to get healthy. Sugar and processed carbs FEED cancer. You were once off of them. Get off of them again. Go back to your weight loss doctors and get back on their program. The diet and the exercise will help you stay strong and beat this. And ask for help. You may not be able to save all your past relationships (and do they really need to be saved?), but your kids will admire your fight and spunk.

Prayers and love to you. You can do this. I can do this.

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Margaret Wolfinbarger August 23, 2017 at 12:51 am

This blog reminds me that I need to pray for you. You seem to be under attack. But you are nor forsaken. You are deeply and desperately loved. I also hope you can find a church family to embrace you. You need people. And I will also pray for peace and comfort and healing of broken relationships. God bless, Holly. Don’t give up.
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