Sunday Reflections

January 29, 2017 in Uncategorized


As I drink my morning coffee, I would like to give a big thanks to all of you who responded to my last post “Deconstructing Regain: Part One”

I feel very good about this step in the right direction.  When I began my blog and weight loss journey in 2011, I would write almost every day.  I did not always have some big plan or topic pre-decided.  I would just very simply write not always knowing what would come out on the other side.  To me, writing is therapy.    It just wasn’t until I opened a blog that other people would actually read what I had to say.

(Unless you count the time my Mom found my diary back in high school!—that was a tough day!)

Often as I write, things pour out that come from unknown places.  Sometimes it even surprises me.  Somehow writing opens doors to areas of thinking you did not even know were brewing.  For me, it has helped to clarify at times the feelings I already have.  At other times, it helps me to put closure to things that need to be put to rest.  It may uncover uncomfortable emotions that I did not even realize were right below the surface.  Yet somehow, writing always feeds my soul.   And feeds it in a ‘good’ way.  One that does not damage me or add unwanted calories!

People that suffer from eating disorders, depression or other similar issues may tend to isolate.  I know that for me this has always been the case.  Isolation feels comfortable to me.  I would often imagine myself inside a big fortress.  Walls that climbed so high you could not see the top.  No one can see me or hear me.  I am in my own world.  To many this sounds suffocating.  To them it would be a prison.  But for others, this is where safety lies.  This is the layer of protection we crave from a world which seems full of more harm than good.  When you combine the practice of isolation with an eating disorder, you begin to build a prison that leaves your imagination and becomes very real.

Isolation feels very safe and warm.  Yet many times it is the breeding ground to exacerbate any condition which already is causing me pain.  If I am lonely, isolation only serves to highlight how very alone I really am.  If I am depressed, isolation surely provides the moist ground in which to grow this emotion at record speed.   Isolation is the lamp that shines a light on all the despair I might feel.   When I completely isolate myself, I will not be alone for long.  Despair, depression, loneliness and anxiety will come as guests to fill the empty chairs.  In the end, I am never really alone.  Surrounded all the time by my own thoughts.  If they are the only thoughts I have access to then overcoming my struggles becomes much more difficult.

Sometimes when you isolate it is hard to reach out.  Writing though can be a vehicle to do this.  A way to reach out even from the very midst of your isolation to a world just beyond your fingertips.  Even right now when I am deep inside my own head, I can write.  And from inside the ‘matrix’ and through this medium of blogging, you can still hear me.   It is often in the writing that we begin the small step of isolating just a little less.

I love to write but I have silenced it too often because I feel disconnected lately from what people may want to hear.   For me writing is therapy.   And while some topics may seem unrelated to weight loss, anything going on in my life can lead me to overeat if I don’t process it correctly.   Yet the other topics I explore are often met with comments from many that this is a distraction.  An excuse.  Some reason for me to not focus on my weight.  To many out there, anything I write about not related directly to food or exercise is off topic.  And so I choose not to write on many things.  Yet by doing that I silence an effective tool to process my life.  It all ties together in the end.

I would hope my readers can understand that my blog is not simply that of weight loss.  At least that is not ALL I have to say.   I would like for there to be more to me than just this one thing.  When I recently faced what I thought might be a deadly disease, I began to think to myself…..Is this the only thing people will remember? What did she weigh on the day she died?

I need to be more than a number.   I need to be more than my vice.

Sometimes I want to rename my blog to something else.  To just simply my name.  ME.

So that I can write freely about more than what I weigh.  I feel it is confusing at times when people read my blog and they expect only to hear a number on some scale.  A food list for the week.  An exercise log.  If they hear the rest of life they think…”What does this have to do with weight loss? A diet? A menu plan?” But for me, my life is like a mosaic.

A collage.

Seemingly disjointed and yet all connected somehow.

Many people see weight loss only as a formula.  I imagine these people love math.

For them, 2+2=4.  This issue is nothing more than an algebraic equation to them.

Any discussion of emotions or feelings is grounds for chastising.  Enough of that!! they say….It’s all excuses to them.  They know the answers.  They have the formula! And to them I say, thank God! The world needs you.  We need the scientists and the mathematicians and those who look at life through a lens devoid of the complexities which with so many of us may feel weighed down by.

But this is not the flame of my soul.  This is not what burns inside me.  For me it is the letters and the words that I unscramble which fulfill me.

It is in the searching and yes even the ruminating that I find what I am looking for.   It may take me longer to get where we are both heading as I did not choose the map of simple formulas but for me there is no other way.  Perhaps my words and my thoughts often seem to go in circles.  But this is me! This is where I find joy.   I don’t pour my soul onto a page for the commenters that cannot really hear what I am saying.  For those whose only reply is simply “Put down the fork”.  If that is all you can see and all you can hear then we are cut from a different cloth.   I don’t give a voice to my feelings on this blog as a means to make excuses for my plight.  I do it as a means to process.   As I write this, it is one hour I did not spend eating.  It is one hour I was not head first into a wine bottle.   For me, this breathes hope.  It gives me something to look forward to.  And for the people who can really hear me—hear me from a place that feels familiar to them as well—those are the ones I write for.

I got to the path of peace and contentment before by exploring more than a math formula for weight loss success.  If that was all I needed in 2011, I would never have started this blog.   I would not have written pages that explored my feelings about my life if all I needed was a fact sheet.   A calorie counter.   And someone to track my steps.

I credit the creation of this blog for much of my success.  And my silence has not served me well.  I did not lose 250 pounds simply through diet and exercise.   I did not lose it from just surgery.  It was in spilling my thoughts upon these pages.  Letting tears flow from a bottle.  By allowing myself to tap into another way to feed my spirit without a donut.

I find clarity through my words and through the words left for me by others.



I do not believe that we can use our past to excuse our present.  Things done to us or things we have done cannot serve as permission to continue negative behavior.  In no way do I believe that we should authorize our dysfunctional conduct as acceptable simply because our feelings or tendencies lead us towards it.

But still I will examine them because that is what I need to do.


I am not a math formula.   My life cannot be summed up by a number.

I did not major in accounting or economics. I majored in Psychology and English.  And many times this is to my disadvantage.  Perhaps I am too much of an over thinker.  For sure that is true.  My imagination can run away with me at times.  The melancholy state of my own existence overtakes me.  But this is why I love poetry.  Why I love to read between the lines.    I believe there is more than what meets the eye.  And for me to explore that is to reach into the well and pull out what needs to see the light of day.

Maybe it’s the stage of  life I am in.  Maybe it’s the darkness I have walked through lately.  But for me this is where I am.  And for those that feel frustrated by that I would implore you to move on.  The internet is a wide and open space of choices.  There are many out there whose journeys can be boiled down to a simple formula of recipes and workout logs.  Nothing more is needed for them to find their way out of this struggle to beat obesity and/or whatever addictions draw them in.

But I see more.  I do not see an empty battlefield.  I don’t only see the enemy and its prey.  I see the ‘demons’ if you will that appear invisible but come to haunt us.   And I see the ‘angels’ who though invisible appear to come to our aid when we call.  I want to open my eyes to what is all around me.  Because even in my isolation, I must be aware that we are never truly alone.

When you write openly about your struggles and then post them publicly, you invite others into your world.   Some will relate.  They will share their struggles too.  This makes me feel more connected.  It makes me realize that others think the way I do.  They struggle with many of the things I struggle with.  When you write to me, I am filled with hope that I am NOT unique. Different. I am a kindred spirit with many I will never meet.

I am not everyone’s cup of tea.  But for those who drink the same tea as me….welcome!!

Today I will write freely and I will not hold back.  If I annoy you, please move on.  If you find something here that sounds familiar, please stay awhile.

Every day for longer than I care to admit, I have felt some level of great sadness.  Some level of great defeat.  My spirit thirsts for God to open my eyes so that I can see beyond this.  I do not want to believe the lies anymore that I cannot overcome the battles in this life.

Isolation may feel safe for a time but it builds walls around us that are hard to climb over when we need to.  In someone with an eating disorder, those walls are made of flesh.  They are heavy in pounds but heavier with the weight of our despair.  I lived in that prison for years until God allowed me to break free.  I do not want to yet again become enslaved to the bonds of food.  I do not want to become enslaved to the bonds of addiction.  Nor alcohol.  Or depression.  I want the freedom that I know is out there.  Freedom which I have experienced before.  A freedom I had embraced for quite awhile before slipping back into the abyss.  Many of you know what this is like.  To glimpse freedom and lose it.   It hurts all the more, doesn’t it? When you no longer simply imagine what freedom would be like.  But you KNOW.  KNOW what it WAS like.  Past tense

Because you did have it.  You HAD IT.

Only now you cannot seem to find the mental fortitude to get back!

Today I will commit that situation to the Lord.  Asking for His strength to see it through even when I feel nothing more than a busy signal through most of our conversations.  I will continue to seek Him anyway.  I will continue to seek freedom once again.

If you are also struggling today, to break free from the pit of food addiction (or any other addictive behavior )  and/or depression/anxiety then I will share with you what I was reminded of through many comments left here recently.  It is to take small steps.  A strategy that I KNOW works as I have implemented it in the past with great success.  So today I will make a plan of small steps.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing monumental.  But a few goals for the day.   Perhaps those of you also living in the pit right now will share with me your small steps as well.

Because you are the ones I am writing for.  Not the ones out there who have it all figured out.  Those that can stand upon the mountain top annoyed by the rest of us who are still finding it a bit hard to climb.  I have been to the pinnacle of success and I have been in the valley.   If I ever make it truly to the top, let me never forget where I came from.  When we can only tell people the “solution” without having any understanding or compassion for why they struggle to ‘just do it’ then we cease to be of use to them.

When our length of time living in freedom makes us unable to recall what it was like to be blinded by addiction— then we no longer can relate to the lost.  And we fail to be of help to them as well.

For a time I was really free.  You can go back and read my own words that I wrote during that time!  Lengthy articles from such a free and clean perspective!! How addictive sugar really is.  How we should never cease to see it for the drug it is to those of us who cannot handle it.  How deadly this disease of obesity will be if we fail to take precautions.  Yes I have written all of this and more!  And many times at the height of my freedom I even began to see the solution as so ‘easy’ and so ‘simple’ that I wondered why more people didn’t just stop all their nonsense and get with the program!!  Why didn’t I just do this earlier I would think?  It’s so simple if you just follow the ‘rules’.  Why can’t others just do it too??

Never let me be so arrogant again.

Pride comes before the fall (Proverbs 16:18).  And this is true.  For it is the moment you decide you know it all that your enemy is closer than ever.   It is when you no longer can relate to those struggling that you are one step away from the cliff yourself.

Perhaps in some ways God has allowed me to fail so miserably right now that if I ever again do reach a point of total freedom, it will not be without scars deep enough that I will never ever forget what it’s like to be back in the trenches.

I have a very simple food plan laid out for today.    And I pray God gives me strength to follow it.

I will spend time in prayer and filling my mind with the hope I feel only God can provide.

It is so hard to move yourself in the right direction when everything inside you feels it’s hopeless.  And yet I know in my heart hidden deep the words of my childhood.  The words my mother told me so many times:



I will go for a walk outside in the neighborhood with my children.

AND….lo and behold!!!…I will empty the dishwasher!!

For those of you in my corner, I truly thank you.    I am in your corner too.   For those of you who find me too wordy and believe my ramblings are nothing more than excuses then please feel free to go find another corner where the Type A’s live.   There are many of them to choose from!  Meanwhile the more melancholic temperaments and I will hang out here for a bit waiting out the passing clouds while hoping for the light to shine through :))

I plan to blog tomorrow and the next day too.  I may not be able to do many things to completion right now but I can write.   Writing helps me and I pray it will help me again.



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{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }

Marjolein January 29, 2017 at 6:27 pm

Hi holly!
Have a blessed Sunday. Enjoy your walk. No one has it all figured out!!
See you tomorrow- keep on keeping on.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 29, 2017 at 6:27 pm

Thank you Marjolein!! Do you still have your blog?


Shane January 29, 2017 at 6:36 pm

Prayers for you sweet sister in Christ. I’ve been in your shoes, still am in some ways. My addiction to food, especially sweets is a part of me I will struggle with till I take my last breath. But I will never stop trying to eat healthier and be more active. I am happy with who I am, will never be a skinny Minnie but that is ok, that is how God made me. Prayers and blessings to you as you make life’s journey. I enjoy reading your words.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:41 pm

“Till I take my last breath!!”… Me too Sister!! I know it’s true of me and something I must remember when I come in contact with a candy bar calling my name. As they say “the struggle is real” lol
Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted..Sunday ReflectionsMy Profile


Jessie January 29, 2017 at 7:23 pm

I’m in your corner! A 135 lb white girl has allthe faith in you! You’ve got this girl!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:42 pm

I need a 135 lb white girl in my corner haha Jessie You GOT THE JOB!! Thank you so much for your encouragement!


Jayne Thompson January 29, 2017 at 7:27 pm

I always thank God for your honesty and you wordiness…sometimes I need to see things in print several times before I can see how I too am dealing with the same issue. After I had my second knee surgery I have not had an appetite which is all new to me, I just want relief from the pain and know that food will not stop the pain in my knee…..imagine that!!!! I need rest, sleep and to do my physical therapy so that indeed I will be able to walk without pain…..somehow the physical pain is very different than the emotional pain I have dealt with for years and often used food. to numb that pain. Please keep blogging and know you are not the only one who goes around and around in your mind with thoughts. Blessings, Jayne


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 29, 2017 at 8:09 pm

Thank you Jayne. I appreciate our friendship !


Jo-Ann January 29, 2017 at 7:28 pm

Holly, I have just found your blog a few months ago. Your struggle is my struggle.
After being the fat kid,fat daughter, fat cousin etc etc I lost over a hundred pounds and kept it off for 5 years Then I had my two beautiful girls and all the weight came back. That was thirty two years ago and I cannot blame pregnancy weight anymore!

I have lost and gained forty pounds so many times now. Every time I am successful in losing it and people say anything about it it is like ,I get scared of failing and it becomes true. I am a failure again.

I have a lot of things to work out too.

I found your blog and felt like a had a friend to take this walk with. You are an inspiration. So many of the things you write I go me too.

I don’t normally comment I just sit here in silence but I want to let you know how much I appreciate and love your blog. You have given me the strength to try one more time to get out of this pit. I feel like I am walking beside you. There is a lot of us out here walking with you.

May God our father, bless you and give you strength.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 29, 2017 at 8:08 pm

Wow thank you so much. I know it takes effort to comment and while I always read my comments I don’t always reply and I should. I am also making this my new goal bc it means so much to me. The idea of people walking beside me means so much !


neca January 29, 2017 at 8:11 pm

I’d say good luck, but how about “good determination”! 🙂 Write whatever helps you figure it all out. Take care.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:43 pm

I like it! Luck is not in my control but determination while waning at least has something I can contribute to it!


Jess January 29, 2017 at 8:37 pm

Holly, I completely Understand the therapeutic effects of writing. And writing for yourself is most important. We are all so more than a number on the scale. Keep on writing, and I for one will always read and support you. You are truly not alone in this!!! Hope you have a wonderful Sunday!!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:43 pm

Thank you so much Jess!


Just Mom January 29, 2017 at 8:46 pm

I’m in your corner, too, Holly. AS a fellow melancholy temperament, I understand more than my comments may reveal. There is a Scripture, the address of which I have forgotten, that says something like, “He lifts the brokenhearted and carries them close to His chest” that has always given me comfort. My favorite verse, tho, is one that I recited to myself when I wahs in the deepest throes of depression…and when that dark wave sweeps over me again, I recite it still. It is in Micah, and reads: “Rejoice not against me o my enemies for tho I fall, I shall arise. And when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.”

God loves all temperaments, of course, but I think H has a special hug just for melancholies. :}


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:44 pm

Thanks MOM!!! I appreciate you very much. I also thank you for the scriptures. I have to admit I don’t hang out in Micah too often for some reason and I need to check it out. I am a HUGE fan of Psalms for obvious reasons. Similar sentiments are expressed in that book of sorrow. So I will definitely look this one up!


K January 29, 2017 at 9:05 pm

Glad to see you writing! This is your blog. Write for yourself, but thank you for sharing with us.

Isolation, introverted, alone time, down time… I no longer apologize for needing this time to reflect and rejuvenate. Each of us has different needs. Not better or worse, just different. I’m glad you are figuring out yours.

I too write to process this path that life has led me down. When I find myself too busy to do so, that’s when every aspect of my life veers back to that factory preset and for me, that is not a healthy default. Writing can be a way we allow God to speak to and through us.

Just thinking about somethings you’ve said about possibly needing medication for depression and using writing to process emotions. I am never one to discount the true need for or benefit of medication. I’ve know many for whom this was a blessing. My story is that years ago I began a journey of dealing with darkness that had been perpetrated on me in childhood. Depression medication was suggested, but I just knew for me, at that time, the Holy Spirit was leading me to walk through the emotions, not skirt the firestorm in the center of things. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, but now years later, I know it was the right path for me. My weight still goes up and down, but I’ve made peace with that. I see the habits that don’t benefit me and continually strive to move to a better place full of energy, positivity and health. Many days I totally miss that target due to overwhelm or conscious choice. I’m ok even given that it’s going to be a part of this imperfect life. However, I am happier most days now than I ever imagined I could be.

It’s true, you are never alone! He has already overcome this world, and we are His, therefore you and I and fellow believers are a force!

Off to exercise, connect with family and buy healthy groceries; my small steps to a healthier me for today. Look forward to hearing about your walk with kids, breathing that fresh air under God’s glorious sky!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:47 pm

Thank you K so very much for taking the time to share with me your own experience walking through depression. I greatly appreciate that. Also when you said “….. every aspect of my life veers back to that factory preset and for me”…i was like WOW this is me. I like the term factory preset. I will have to use it and credit you for it! It really is true. I tend to view it as default wiring and it’s so in there that I can’t get it out no matter what I do. I think it’s gone for awhile but something happens and BAM. It kicks in. I’m realizing that it may not really ever go away in the same way my eyes are blue as a factory preset! But I can do things to keep it from rearing its ugly head!


K January 31, 2017 at 2:10 pm

I’m glad if anything I write connects with you. Like you, I write to process my life. Some days are more reflective than others. Other days like today when I haven’t had enough sleep, I pray and thank that the LORD for creating in me a desire for healthy foods and movement. I’ve also really come to a conclusion that I can best honor Him by choosing the foods He created in their most pure forms. I try to avoid additives and preservatives. Honestly I don’t crave processed foods like I once did and that’s only through the grace of God.

Blessings to you and yours. Make your today as YOU want it!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 31, 2017 at 4:07 pm

Ok K I have to tell you that this much is true. I do not like french fries anymore! PRAISE GOD!! haha For real, I use to eat SO MANY french fries it was crazy. Back when I was over 400, I literally was invited to a baby shower by the McDonald’s person at the drive thru. She said she saw me more than anyone else in her life and we were like family. Tell me that isn’t sad. But for real I did go there daily. And something happened to me after I started losing weight and cutting out junk food. I somehow lost a taste for french fries. I am sure it is purely a miracle of God. But I simply don’t like them now. Not even tempting. Why oh why can’t that be true of chocolate?!


K February 1, 2017 at 2:35 am

Holly, that’s awesome about the fries.I’ve FINALLY reached a place where I’m craving vegetables. Me! The one who growing up, would only eat green beans and mashed potatoes. Tonight was carrots, cauliflower and spinach. I’ve got to say more I focus on the veggies, the less sugar I desire, but I do allow myself a small amount. Right now that’s a small packaged serving of almonds, cashews and chocolate from Trader Joe’s. And I used to hate nuts! It is truly the grace of God at work!

Mickie Gibbs January 29, 2017 at 9:32 pm

I appreciate your musings, and I know many relate to your story. I am praying God will continue to reveal Himself to you on your journey and will make clear whatever (if any) “outside” help you need. Thank you for your transparency. Make the next choice a good one!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:48 pm

Thank you Mickie!


SK January 29, 2017 at 10:30 pm

Holly, I love this introspection! Facing your fears means they can’t control you.

Can you share, in hindsight and after regain, what you now think of Bariatric surgery? Would you have done it if you knew you’d regain and create a cross-addiction? Or do you think it was a necessary first step to losing – that without it you’d be over 400 now?

One thing that sticks out to me in your writing is the anxiety. I’ve found weight obsession and untreated anxiety/depression go hand in hand. Not that my a/d is cured or even dormant, but I need both meds and talk therapy to feel okay about my weight and food. What is your therapy resource currently?


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 29, 2017 at 11:22 pm

Someone asked me to write about this once before maybe you? I apologize for not responding. Been in the funk to end all funks! Lol. Thank you for this timely writing prompt. I will give it some thought and blog about it this week. Also I would love to know more about what specifically is working for you to keep anxiety depression under control. Thank you!


SK January 30, 2017 at 2:21 am

What’s helping keep my a/d to mostly-manageable levels (despite being a single parent of a child with special needs, work stress, ex-won’t-pay-his-child-support needs:

1. Meds. Zoloft AND duloxetine. Chemicals help my brain work better, no shame in that.

2. Traditional talk therapy got old; I felt stressed talking about problems and not seeing any solution. Over the last couple of years I’ve been doing more cognitive behavioral stuff. We work on staying in the moment, feeling anxiety in my body, practice techniques to let it out.

3. I also took a group anger management class – the kind people get court-ordered to take, but I was self-referred – that gave me some practical ideas on what to do when I felt angry, plus articulated the self-hate I was really feeling under that anger.

Definitely a work in progress. I’m glad for your honesty in blogging. It’s not a topic we can talk much about in real life.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:50 pm

Relating a lot to your life circumstances. I was on Zoloft myself for a short time about 6 months ago. I don’t think I really gave it enough time and I didn’t bother to work with the doctor to adjust dosage as necessary. I seem to be very unwilling to give it time to work and I have a lot of anxiety about withdrawal symptoms if I ever go off of it. You see, I prefer to worry about things 10 steps before they get to me. Like I literally worry about withdrawal symptoms before I ever even go on the meds in the first place. I generally assume that whatever the worst withdrawal symptoms would be I will be the one to get them haha And that alone keeps me from staying on them many times. Like I said I’m depressed AND anxious and a little wacky in general. I need the med for that one!


K January 30, 2017 at 1:06 pm

I once had a therapist who helped me realize that when I worry ahead of some event, I’m actually doubling my own anxiety, at a minimum. Learning to be present to what is, right now this moment, made such a difference for me. Now when I feel myself start to go down the road of what is or catastrophizing well ahead of anything real, I tell myself it’s a book I’m reading that I can set up on the shelf until it’s the right time to read it. No need to worry about it today.

LHA January 30, 2017 at 1:33 am

Holly, I really appreciate your blog and thank you for sharing your journey with us. What you describe in your struggle certainly rings true for me, and I know others feel that way. Sometimes just by knowing that someone else is fighting the same battles that you are, the path seems clearer. I can’t imagine that there is anyone in the world who was seriously overweight and just went on a diet, stayed on the diet, and never had to worry about regaining the weight. As you well know, it is not just all about will power, or determination, or even sticking to a specific diet. There are so many complex emotional and physical facets to weight loss and maintenance. What you have described about your anxiety and depression is something I have struggled with for many years and it really can play havoc with every aspect of your life. Like SK said in her comment, I need both meds and talk therapy to keep on top of these conditions and it is a really important part of the many things I do to keep my weight under control. So, I guess I just wanted to say that most everyone has issues and struggles and I honestly think through sharing them with each other we can all gain insight. Wishing you all the best in putting one foot in front of the other each day today and marching forward. We are all out here pulling for you!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 12:54 pm

LHA I am always happy to hear from you and I appreciate it very much. What you said here “There are so many complex emotional and physical facets to weight loss and maintenance.” is very true for me. It is why I get frustrated at times with the many people who just bark at me “Just stop eating xyz and all will be well with the world”. If that WAS true for me then why did I revert back to the destructive ingestion of sugar once I was totally off of it?? I mean for sure it makes since for someone already hooked on it to stay on it. They have the physical symptoms of addiction already in them. BUT if you are clean….off of it….and it is no longer in your system then you cannot blame any chemical cravings for why you went back to that addictive substance. If you get free from something addictive and then go back to it…THAT is psychological and therefore trying to simplify it to people as “Just do this and you’ll be fine” doesn’t ring true for a lot of us. Sorry that sounded ranty. But it’s how I feel right now!! Thank you for commenting because it gave me something else to this about!


LHA January 30, 2017 at 9:36 pm

Holly, I am certainly not an addiction expert, but the way I feel about my own addiction to sugar and some other carbs is that even when I have abstained for a long time and am not actively craving sweets, it seems to me that the addiction is always lurking nearby and that I am never really cured from it. It must be similar with drug or alcohol addiction, because people can be clean and sober for years and then fall off the wagon. So, it’s not the current physical dependence on sugar that will get me started again, it is something far less tangible. Like you, I have used sugar and other carbs to soothe my emotions when depressed or very anxious. To be honest, I have never found anything else that works as well! My nutritionist and I have discussed that there is a brain chemical pay-off initially, but the crash that comes afterward physically, as well as the guilt and remorse are definitely not worth it. That’s why I work very, very hard to keep my sugar intake to a bare minimum and only for very special occasions and work equally hard to get right back on the no-sugar wagon immediately afterward. So far it hasn’t been perfect, but I would say it has been better than what I have tried before. I’m sincerely wishing you good luck!!!!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 31, 2017 at 4:13 pm

THIS—>>>>”To be honest, I have never found anything else that works as well!” This is TRUE. And it sucks. I hate to admit it too. But when life really is rough for me, there is still NOTHING that comes close to an ice cold coke and a donut. And I think the memory of that is so deeply embedded in me that it can literally recreate the craving. Maybe?


Jo January 30, 2017 at 4:19 pm

I’m with you Holly, I’m drinking the tea 🙂


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 4:33 pm

Thank you Jo!!


Lori January 30, 2017 at 4:50 pm

Oh I am so in your corner! Blogging always helps me stay normal. You write about whatever helps you stay focused girl! We are all in this together!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 2, 2017 at 11:21 am

Thank you so much Lori!!


Margaret Wolfinbarger January 30, 2017 at 5:35 pm

Of the more melancholic attitude, yes. That would be me. I am thankful for your candor and your wordiness. And I am hopeful you will keep walking this path and not give up.

Things I find helpful for my addictive/compulsive/depressive journey alongside you:
1) Listening to the Bible. (I downloaded it) It soaks in when I don’t have the heart to read
2) Memorizing verses that have power for me and choosing to recite them when I want desperately to give into temptation of any kind
3) Praying. And more praying. (As I did at 3:30am when I was having a particularly painful bout of anxiety) yes, today I am very tired at work.
4) Educating myself on the evils of companies who sell foods that snare me. Truth sets one free.
5) Beauty. Last night I stood outside and watched the sunset for 10 minutes.

Sorry if I have been too verbose. Keep writing and we will keep reading and walking this path with you.
Margaret Wolfinbarger recently posted..Hope from the Heart of the CaveMy Profile


Just Mom January 30, 2017 at 11:35 pm

I love this comment and your “helpful things.” I find those things helpful, too.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 31, 2017 at 4:12 pm

Thanks Mom!


Beth M January 30, 2017 at 8:07 pm

I don’t have much to add to all these wonderful comments, just wanted to say I’m in your corner too. You are never alone, you’ve got a whole squad of cheerleaders here to support you. And this is your blog, make of it whatever YOU want, whatever helps YOU, ignore the impatient naysayers the best you can, and the rest of us will walk this path with you, wherever it takes you. Have a great week dear Holly, it’s so good to hear from you regularly again!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 2, 2017 at 9:55 am

Thank you Beth!! I love the image of a squad of cheerleaders!


Trece Wyman January 30, 2017 at 11:58 pm

Excellent post, dear friend. I know that He wants me to commune with my soul, feelings and emotions, because SO many things are pointing me towards it. Writing is SO revealing and cathartic!
I scooped 2 litterboxes today and moved my laptop from the dining area to my bedroom.
(My husband was again admitted to the hospital; maybe it is sleep apnea.)


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 2, 2017 at 11:18 am

Hi Trece!! I am sorry to hear about your husband. Please keep me up to date on how he is doing. I know how sleep apnea can be. I had this in a bad way when I was over 400 pounds. It is difficult. Does he have oxygen? I will be praying for him. I think scooping 2 letterboxes and moving the laptop is a pretty darn good effort for the day! I admittedly did NOT scoop out the litterbox at all yesterday and I need to!!!


Laine January 31, 2017 at 4:55 am

Dearest Holly,
I too am with you and savouring the shared cup of tea. Sometimes the prospect of unloading MY dishwasher is so daunting that I break the process down into small, manageable steps and try to focus on a few dishes or one compartment of the cutlery rack at a time. And while doing so, reminding myself to “be happy in this moment, this moment is your life”.
Sending you my thoughts, prayers and best wishes, together with long-distance hugs. Be kind and gentle to yourself; you so deserve that.
I remain so grateful for your eloquence, honesty and sharing.
May God watch over you and grant you peace once more.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 31, 2017 at 4:12 pm

This reminds me of the Flylady. She helps people get their houses clean. At the moment even my house is a mess. I need to get back to the babyyteps you mention in all areas of life. Thank you Laine!


Heather c February 1, 2017 at 1:42 am

*Thinking of you, Holly!*


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 1, 2017 at 11:58 am

Thank you so much Heather!! I remember you and I know you have always been an encouragement to me. Thank you!


Theresa February 1, 2017 at 3:12 am

Beautiful post. You are so much more than numbers. You write incredibly beautiful things. I think I’ll stay a long while.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 1, 2017 at 11:58 am

Thank you Theresa!! I appreciate that so much!


Fatima February 1, 2017 at 4:19 am

Holly, this post resonated with me so much! I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and truly admire your strength. It takes a strong person to put yourself out there like you do and it takes an exceptional amount of courage to start over. Good on you for taking the time to ‘deconstruct’ and figure this out! Like you and others have pointed out, weight loss is rarely a simple linear math problem and neither is mental health. Being human equals being wonderfully complex and unique and what works for one person might not work for another and what worked for you five years ago may not work now. I truly hope your doctor can help you figure out medical therapy; it often takes weeks and months of titrating medications, sometimes changing them to find what’s right for you so don’t give up. You deserve the time it takes to figure out what’s the right combination for your brain just like you deserve the time to (re)discover yourself and what makes you successful, in weight loss and in life. In the same vein, there are so many kinds of therapy nowadays. Writing is a powerful therapy tool and if it works for you, wield it with all its might. Lastly, I’m not Christian but as a Muslim, God is an essential part of my life and I know what it feels like to lose the peace and serenity that comes with faith and the struggle to regain it. I hope you find strength and guidance in Him and wish you all the best.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 2, 2017 at 11:20 am

“What worked for you 5 years ago may not work now”….Ok THIS is a great thought. Maybe I keep trying to make things that used to work…work? Maybe we do need to evolve and change over time and realize that sometimes things just don’t work for us anymore. We have to switch it up. Maybe I need to stop trying to only see things in a certain way and look outside the box. Good point!! Thank you so much Fatima!


Just Mom February 2, 2017 at 12:24 am

Sooooo. What happened to Tuesday’s post? Are you okay?


Just Mom February 2, 2017 at 5:08 am

Ack. I just noticed that I made a typo in entering my website and, as far as I can tell, the only way to correct it is with another comment. Sorry for the wrong website–and the comment clutter. :}


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 2, 2017 at 9:54 am

That’s ok!! Thank you for the link!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 2, 2017 at 9:53 am

I pulled it bc it seemed pointless and not about anything. Just me complaining again lol Sometimes I do that when I put up a blog bc I want to stay in touch but then I start thinking it was fairly pointless and not worth reading. I should probably not do things like that but sometimes I don’t want to just litter the space with nothing of value except whining. Thank you for asking about me though I appreciate it!! I am going to get something up today hopefully more on topic!


K February 2, 2017 at 1:54 pm

Today I breathed. Today I got annoyed. Today I prayed. I wept. I smiled. I definitely didn’t get it all done. I worked hard. I tried to please others. I felt frustration It was a day. My day. Well. Yesterday. And there was food.

You’ve become a friend to all of us. We just enjoy hearing how you, who like each of us, are processing your days. We are rooting for your happiness and contentment. Deep thoughts don’t happen every day. If you need to complain, do so. With my friends, we do that. But in the end, both through reflection and talking, we shift and change, be it ever so slightly. And if you don’t feel like writing or posting, don’t. Just know we are here, thinking and praying for you.


SK February 4, 2017 at 2:19 pm

This! Holly, we care about you. We would love to hear your thoughts, and we want to encourage you to write because writing helps you. You don’t have to be blogger of the year. Just chatting – like friends do – is great too.

Or if you can’t write, know that your cheerleading team is still rooting for you, each day. You are worth it.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:37 pm

Thank you SK!! I appreciate this so much. Thank you thank you. I needed to hear this today

Kristi February 4, 2017 at 4:17 pm

At my church, they had an awesome topic, finding peace. I’ve listened to it about 3 times so far. It is the January 29th, casual service, the talk starts at 18:24. It is amazingly insightful to me. It will be up for about 2 weeks. I hope you look at it. It gives you hope for inner peace of things, biblically based.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:37 pm

Thank you Kristi for the link! I will listen to it. I really appreciate this because I like to listen to things like this. I have several people I enjoy watching or listening to. I am always up for new ones I haven’t heard before and I am going to listen to this tonight!


Michele February 6, 2017 at 3:14 am

Holly, I just want you to know that you are my favorite blogger. I always look forward to reading your blog when you have a new post. I can so relate to what you write. I did start OA online and then doing a face to face meeting once a week. I just started this past week, but am hopeful that perhaps I will experience the miricle they talk about. I am so tired of losing and gaining over and over and I think the older we get, the harder it is to lose both because of physical as well as being exhausted from all the failures we have had.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:35 pm

Thank you so much Michele!! That is such a nice thing to say and it makes my day. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I think OA online is a great idea. I will check it out too!


Jo-Ann February 6, 2017 at 4:34 pm

Hey Holly.
Hope things are ok with you
Just wanted to remind you that you are cared for by those of us out here walking and praying for you.

Write whenever you are up to it or just know we will wait
Big big hugs to you


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 8, 2017 at 7:34 pm

Thank you Jo-Ann I appreciate this . I read it a few days ago but didn’t respond right away and I’m sorry about that. I just want you to know when I read this it really made my day!


Lisa February 26, 2017 at 4:57 pm

Hi there-
Your latest post (2/26) is incredibly honest. You didn’t allow any comments so I found an older one to leave you these words. I said a prayer for you. Don’t let the devil talk you into depression. I know it’s not easy, but remember, that’s what he does- makes you think you can’t win! You can and YOU WILL! God hasn’t left your side he’s there ALWAYS. Ask HIM to wrap you in his arms and hold you. He will. And so what if you gained more weight- you are still a very beautiful person inside and out. Please feel free to email me if you need a ‘helping hand’. My best to you! Lisa


Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 26, 2017 at 5:02 pm

Hi Lisa!! Thank you for this comment. I did not know my comments were closed on the other post. That is not on purpose at all!! I just went back and checked that blog post and it has the allow comments box checked. If you still are unable to comment, let me know if possible. I will try to find out what is happening. I am sorry about that. The tech aspects of blogging often elude me! I appreciate you taking the time to comment here so I could read it . I needed to read it today Lisa.. THANK YOU. This means a lot to me!!!!


Anneli Byrd March 24, 2017 at 9:55 pm

I WISH your blog was mandatory reading for anyone involved with Weight Watchers. To me, they totally miss everything that makes weight loss so hard and then they charge a fortune! REALLY bugs me!

Small steps, Holly!! We can keep on!


Holly from 300 Pounds Down January 30, 2017 at 4:38 pm

I like that analogy. It’s a good one. I also love books which makes me love this analogy even more!! Of course this also makes me think about why I always look up spoilers for movies and tv shows I watch. I try so hard not to but sometimes I just can’t stand not to know what is going to happen. I guess I’m wired this way too!


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