The Lies I Tell

February 2, 2016 in Uncategorized

I’ve become increasingly tired of myself lately.  Like really sick and tired of myself.  And that’s no good place to be.  Every morning and every night I have to go to bed to ME.  I have to live all day with ME.  And sometimes that can be super annoying.  Especially when part of me is a big fat liar.

I didn’t realize what an amazing liar I was until the other day.  I was talking to my daughter about my brand new plan.  You know the one where I decided to start walking again in the neighborhood?  The one where I decided I am going to plan out all my meals?

Kids are great sounding boards sometimes.  You know why? Because they haven’t quite figured out yet how to BS you.  They just tell it like they see it.  So I was telling Charlotte (my 6th grader) who already has the personality of brutal honesty about my big plans and she said the following words…

“What’s new?”

To which I replied…”What do you mean what’s new?”

And she was like, “You said you had a new plan, Mom? What’s new about that? Isn’t that the old plan?”

And I was like “Um excuse me.  No.  I am starting to walk in the neighborhood every day and I’m going to plan my meals…blah blah blah…”

And then she started rummaging through her backpack completely and totally uninterested in anything I had to say

“Are you even listening??” I said to her. “You asked me a question and I’m answering it”

She goes, “Yeah I get it Mom.  You’re doing the plan again.  The same plan you always do.  So that’s good”

I said, “No this is new.  I haven’t been doing that.  Now I am going to do it consistently”

“Well ok if you say so.  I mean it sounds like the same plan to me though.  Because you always do this. You quit and then you start it again. And then it works but then you stop doing it.  I think maybe if you just did it all the time then you’d be happier.  Because seems to me you keep just going back to the same plan and calling it new.  But anyway, I was wondering if my friend could come over on Friday.  What do you think?”

And that’s when I realized that she was right.  And also that I’m boring as all get out.  And that my story is TIRED and nothing more than a repeat of the same thing over and over again.

I follow the basic plan of eating right, planning meals, eliminating sugar and exercising.  It works splendidly and I start seeing progress.  I suddenly have this amazing epiphany that I have cured myself.  That all is right with the world!! And then I go off the rails.  I quit the plan.  I make excuses for why I don’t have to work out today.  Or I stop planning meals and let nature take its course.  Next thing you know I’m overeating again.  I’m lazy again.  And then I get depressed which is quickly followed by blaming it on anything and everything other than myself.

You know I was reading over some of my past blogs and I was horrified at something I wrote last year.  My oldest daughter had started college.  I had moved out of the area and she was on her own for the first time.  In her own apartment.  Free! The oldest of 4 kids finally FREE.  Ever been 19? Ever been on your own for the first time? I remember being 19.  I believe that was the year my Mom threw me out of the house for running around with a boyfriend she didn’t approve of.  That was the year I felt really put upon because she expected me to help with the dishes and laundry.  I mean after all I did live there rent free.  But geez….expect me to help with the dishes?  Yes I was a spoiled brat CLEARLY.  But I didn’t see it at the time.  Kind of like how I am right now.  Where I don’t see the obvious.

So my oldest daughter was off on her own for the first time and she didn’t make some of the best grades in college. She also wrecked the car.  Never mind that the car accident was ruled to not be her fault.  Never mind that MY grade point average when I was her age and in my first semester in college was like a .6

None of that matters suddenly.  Because I can’t remember anything I ever did at that age.  All I knew was that she wrecked the car and I had to deal with that.  I had to deal with the insurance company and the rental car and getting a new one.  I had to be annoyed at the bad grades that I paid for.  But then I stumbled upon a fantastic plan!! I would now blame all of those things for the 40 pound regain I experienced last winter!

YEP.  It was all her.  And then I wrote this whole scathing post about how my daughter didn’t appreciate anything I did.  And poor me.  POOR POOR ME.  The whole thing is atrocious. I’m glad I deleted it.  Complaining about my daughter on my blog is really one of my lowest points yet.  It really shows you though to what lengths we will go to blame anyone but OURSELVES for gaining weight!

Some of us are stress eaters.  I know I am.  But no matter what stress I ever have it is still MY responsibility.  No one has ever tied me down and forced a hostess cupcake down my throat.  Woah….Now that I’m writing that it sounds like my 50 shades fantasy.   But I digress….

The point is personal responsibility is critical.  And it’s something I need more of in my life.

On this blog I believe I have blamed a million and one things for my weight problems.

I’ve written about my divorce and my ex husband.  Blaming him for everything from my severe anxiety to my eating disorder.  But he left in 2006.  And it’s 2016.  The guy isn’t even stationed in this country.  So is it really his fault that I ate cookies last night? Because I don’t think so.

I could share a lot of things that may have contributed to it but at the end of the day I am still responsible for what I do with my feelings.   And no one but me should be held responsible.

My husband left me.  My Mom died.  My grandmother died.  And none of those things should be a reason to eat.

At some point in life it might be time to sit down and take a hard look in the mirror and just say

GET OVER IT

I believe in compassion . I believe in being kind to yourself.  But can we sometimes allow things to become an excuse?

 YES

And I’ve done that one too many times

I have a cycle that I tend to repeat.  And it’s become even obvious to me.

I do well for awhile.  And then I screw it up.  But WHY I screw it up has been the mystery to me.  I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately and I think I see a few patterns that need to be addressed in my life.  Things I keep doing over and over again that are in some ways a form of self sabotage.

#1– I keep changing the “Plan”

When you go on a ‘diet’ and then fail at it, you want the diet to be responsible for this failure.  In order for that to happen you need to change to another diet.  That way you can say the original diet you were on failed.  In that estimation, every diet that exists is a failure in my book.  Because I’ve tried them all.  But the truth is it’s ME.  If I followed the diet, it wouldn’t be a failure.  If I have a food plan and I then eat off that food plan—who failed?? If I say I am not going to eat sugar anymore and then I go eat sugar–whose fault is that?? But instead of admitting to myself that I made a choice to screw up, I just decide that this plan doesn’t work!! This buys me at least a month usually of trying to figure out a new plan.  And that takes time.  I have to research and read and decide what to do next.  During that time I get to eat whatever I want!  When I pick a new plan I get to go through the beginning phases of still not really understanding it.  I can buy a few more weeks of just trying to figure it out.  Get my bearings.  More excuses to be had!!! By the time I figure out the new plan I can have a week or two of progress.  But eventually that one will fail too in which case we just repeat the whole cycle again! It’s not usually the food plan that is the problem.  It’s my willingness, commitment and inability to stick to it.  It’s my desire to go off of it.  As I have stated before I have issues with sugar.  And I know that.  If I am off sugar then I can’t blame the physical cravings for going back to it.  If I go back to it then it’s all on me.  It was my free will choice that did it.  But it’s just so much easier to blame the ‘plan’.

#2– Intuitive Eating

This works for a great many people but never for me.  Because I use intuitive eating as a way to go off the rails.  I so badly want to be an intuitive eater!! So much so that every time I see a book, talk show, blog or anything that discusses intuitive eating I decide all over again that this is for me.  And if I could do it RIGHT then it would be me.  Because as we ride the personal responsibility wave I would have to admit that intuitive eating DOES work.  If you actually do it as it is meant to be done.  But here is the problem for me.  Intuitive eating tells you to get back to eating the way you did when you were a child.  Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full.  Well I never had a childhood like that.  In fact I have had very few days like that.  Because something inside of me is wired wrong.  And I don’t always know when I am hungry or full.  Not really.  To be ‘intuitive’ means to do something based on your instinct.  Based on what you feel is right.   And what I always feel is right is EATING.  If I didn’t rely on my conscious thought or determined reasoning to come up with a food plan…if I just relied on how I feel and what my gut is telling me…then I’d always and I do mean ALWAYS end up at Baskin Robbins.  Because my gut instinct tells me almost every day that food is what I need to fix everything.  If a lightbulb needs to be replaced in a really high ceiling fan that I can’t reach without a ladder then what I clearly need is a 3 scoop double hot fudge sundae.  That’s what my instinct tells me.

The closest I have come in my life to being an intuitive eater was when I got off sugar.  Completely.  When zero sugar was running through my veins.  This eliminated all the physical cravings I had due to the chemical effects of refined sugar.  But you know what it didn’t do?? Eliminate my screwed up wiring that says donuts are the cure to world peace.  And that if I just ate more donuts I could probably fix all of life in 5 seconds.  Every single time I try intuitive eating I end up knee deep in donuts.  And it’s not because intuitive eating doesn’t work.  It’s because I have some kind of inability to decipher the truth when it comes to my hunger and the root of it.  If I would finally accept this then maybe I could stop going down this dark alley once a year.

#3– Lying

As I said before I’m an exceptional liar when it comes to what I’m actually eating.  I hate logging my food mostly because I know it will reveal things to me.  Even when I decide to log it, I don’t actually log everything.  I seem to conveniently forget things.  For example, tonight I made pork chops.  My son wanted to dip his pork chops in Heinz 57 sauce.  So I gave him some.  And then I reached over and dipped my own pork chop into it.  And then I did it again.  And again and again! Because I love that stuff.  It’s like 20 calories and 4 sugar grams for 1 tablespoon.  And I probably drench one entire tablespoon on one small bite of pork chop.  But because the sauce is on HIS plate and not MINE…it doesn’t count.  It just doesn’t.  So I don’t log it and then 20 tablespoons later I’m wondering why the scale didn’t move.   I mean I am following the plan.  I am logging every single thing I am eating.  So obviously the plan doesn’t work, right?? Or maybe it’s my body that defies the laws of science.  Yes that’s it!!!…..

#4— I am a scientific phenomenon!

It is absolutely amazing to me how my body seems to not follow any of the physical laws that work for the rest of the world.  They say if you eat less and move more you will lose weight.  But not me.  I can eat almost nothing and work out all day long only to end up gaining 5 pounds. It’s absolutely unbelievable.  Clearly I have some kind of disease.  Or problem. Or curse!! Because no matter how hard I try or what I do…my body just refuses to lose weight.  It’s like my body hates me.  And it wants me to be fat.  What can I do? It’s not my fault my body is a freak of nature. And welcome to the LIES.  Welcome to the web of lies that I tell myself.  Because if you cheat and don’t log what you ate then the only one you’re fooling is yourself.  And if you say that you worked out all day but really all you did was kick the blanket off your feet while turning onto your side to press ‘continue’ on your Netflix show…then what do you expect? I’m an accomplished liar when it comes to telling myself that I’m doing everything right.  Am I the only one?

#5—Refusing to Plan or Learn How to Eat Real Food

I’ve said it before on my blog so it should come as no surprise.  I hate to cook.  I’m not good at it.  It’s not my skill set.  And I don’t enjoy it.  Therefore I don’t like to do it.  What i like to do is EAT.  But cooking has never interested me.  I managed to get through a million years with a lot of hamburger helper, casseroles and a few main dishes I did bother to learn how to cook.  If it’s prepackaged, pre made or better yet pre-cooked I would buy it.  But what I never wanted to do was really learn.  I have said that too many ingredients and too much variety triggers me to going crazy with food and that’s true.  But it doesn’t give me an excuse to not do it.  It just means I should stick to keeping it simple.  Every time I set out to be consistent with planning meals, I go back to NOT doing it.  Consistency is not my strong suit.  If it was just me, I’d drink Atkins shakes all day and eat chicken at night.  I lost a lot of weight doing basically this for the most part.  But I have children and they aren’t cool with that.  So is it really my fault that the kids got hungry and I had to order a pizza? And this brings me to one of the most brilliant excuses a Mom can ever drum up for herself!  THE KIDS MADE ME EAT IT!  That Heinz 57 sauce was on his plate and it called to me.  And why was it in the house in the first place? Because I bought it.  Not for myself of course.  Oh no never.  It’s always for the children…

I have a problem with sugar but my kids don’t.  They’ve never had weight problems so why should they have to suffer.  I’ll buy the ice cream for them.  I’ll buy the donuts for them.  And if I happen to eat some of it along the way then thats just the sacrifice I have to make as a mother.

And now I’m a saint! A VICTIM EVEN!  Because I’m just trying to be a good Mom, right?? Because being a good Mom means buying crap for your kids and feeding it to them.  And then pretending that you didn’t mean to do it and it isn’t your fault.  Could there be more delusions I can feed myself?!

Most of you know I feel the most secure when I’m on liquids.  That way I don’t have to deal with food.  But every time I incorporate more real food into my life, I go off the rails again.  I have not achieved peace with food.  I am afraid of it.  Even when I am off sugar I am afraid of it.  And I have yet to find a good way to handle that.  I admit this is strange.  It’s disordered thinking and it’s not healthy.   What we need to do is learn how to interact with food safely.   And yet I haven’t made it there yet.  I swing the pendulum between a lot of liquid shakes with a safe meal at night to trying to cook elaborately all kinds of things that make me fall into a black hole.  There needs to be a happy medium.  And I just haven’t found it yet.

But refusing to do that is not helping.  It’s just perpetuating the ridiculous roller coaster that has gotten me to where I am.

I’d like to address one more lie that surfaces many times among people (like myself) who have had weight loss surgery. And it’s this

#6–The Weight Loss Surgery Failed ME….

I am only speaking of MYSELF.  I know that there are people whose weight loss surgery did not do what it was meant to do.  And I am not at all denying that happens.  But when people find out I have regained 100 pounds they often think that it was the surgery’s fault.  If there is one thing I would like to embrace in this world it is THAT.  But that would be the biggest lie of all.  The reality is that you can beat the surgery.   Any one that you have.  I had one of the most drastic surgeries a person can have.  85% of my stomach was removed from my body altogether.  It’s called the sleeve and it drastically reduces the size of your stomach.  As time goes on it stretches out some. It probably even doubles but what it never does is totally grow back.  And that means I have a tool that does work.  I cannot binge as I once could.  I cannot shove 1 gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream, 2 boxes of Hostess donuts and 1 bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups into my stomach in one sitting.  That is the reason I have ONLY gained back 100 pounds.  Because the surgery DOES help.

But the real reason I regained weight after surgery is simple.  I started doing all the things I wasn’t supposed to do.  Eating things I shouldn’t eat.  Exercising less.  And at the end of the day—there is nothing left to say.  At one point I researched going to Mexico to try and have my sleeve redone.  Because I would rather try and pay for another surgery then accept reality.  And reality is this—I still have a stomach and a brain and a mind.  And all three of them like to eat.  They love it in fact.  And the surgery didn’t remove my brain so therefore I can still think my way into a box of donuts.  Maybe what I really needed was brain surgery?!

There are some things I need to admit to myself because they are the reasons I’m in this situation.  And the last one I must admit is probably the hardest of all.  And it’s this.

I’M LAZY

And that is probably the biggest problem I have.  I don’t want to preplan my meals. It takes time.  It takes work.  And I’d rather reach for a Digiorno.   Also exercise is hard.  It makes you sweat.  And I’d rather be eating Kit Kats while watching Prison Break on Netflix.  And who wants to admit that this is their problem?  I’d rather just say I have arthritis in my knee and so I can’t walk.  Or that my bad ankle is giving me problems so I can’t work out.  I’d rather say that I’m a single Mom of 4 kids so who has the time for all that food planning??

I’d rather just say that my husband left me and my Mom died and I have no one but me to hold down the fort so life is just SOO HARD….and shouldn’t I get a free pass??

Life is hard.  And a lot of people have it hard.  And a large amount of those people have it WAY HARDER THAN ME.  So all my complaining and excuse making is really just another way for me to excuse myself for the nonsense that I perpetuate year after year in not achieving goals that could have been achieved long ago if I would just do what needs to be done once and for all.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad rerun.

A record that keeps skipping

That drip coming from the faucet that just…won’t…shut…up

Because all I do is rehash the same junk over and over again in an effort to rationalize why I’m still overweight.

I’m really good at starting and then quitting.  In fact I excel at it. And then the guilt and regret I feel brings me down.

I hate feeling guilty.  I hate feeling regret.  It’s so much easier to just lie to myself about why I do things.  But it only covers up the truth.  And isn’t it the truth that sets us free?

Today my prayer is that God helps me see the truth in my every day life.  See it and accept it.  And stop excusing it.  Because I could spend the rest of my life rationalizing away my lack of progress.  Or I could get up tomorrow, go for a walk, preplan my meals for the day and do something I haven’t done in awhile…

FOLLOW THROUGH

SHOW UP

BE CONSISTENT

And live in reality.  Wouldn’t that be nice for a change?

reality check

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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

Leah February 2, 2016 at 4:58 am

Exactly this. Thank you for putting the words down that are so hard to accept.

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janis February 2, 2016 at 5:06 am

Another amazing blog. Have u ever wrote a book. You should. Thank you again for a wonderful read.

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Rhonda W February 2, 2016 at 5:07 am

I like the part about being a scientific phenomenon… hahaha… me too! I have never tried intuitive eating. I know it would be a disaster for me. Even before I could talk in sentences I knew where all the food places were. My Dad said I used to point at the fast food places and want him to stop. Yes, admitting that you are a food addict (particularly sugar) and HAVE to plan your meals, eat in moderation and exercise A LOT is the pits… but it is OUR reality. Hugs to you my friend, Rhonda

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Lyn February 2, 2016 at 5:32 am

What a great post, Holly! You are doing the hard work (mental/emotional) that will get you where you want to be. By the way I totally relate to feeling most secure on liquids. When I was on Medifast it was easy! No dealing with food… just drink a shake. But the fear or food/sugar comes up and that’s really no way to live. I’m really looking forward to reading more about your progress (because with this kind of insight there is sure to be progress on the weight loss front too!)
Lyn recently posted..50 Pounds Gone Again… Update PicturesMy Profile

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Karen P February 2, 2016 at 1:00 pm

Holly, my binge disease still knocks on my door- food sober for just shy of 5 years.

I’ve learned not to open the door.

Here’s to your coach, mentor, sponsor, and support team. I found that getting an individual coach, abstinent meal plan and some support, that I could learn not to open the door, no matter how many times sugar, grains, and guar/xantham gum knocked.

Here’s to your next steps. Please know you are not alone. There are millions of abstainers. Life is just better for us this way. Onward. One meal at a time.
Karen P recently posted..Favorite tweets, posts, shoutouts, and photos from the Paleo, LCHF, real foods, abstaining world Jan 31, 2016My Profile

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VHMPrincess February 2, 2016 at 2:19 pm

Hey-I hate to cook too! Same as you, I never really learned so it’s hard and daunting and annoying for me. BUT, I tried Plated.com to see if I could find more dishes that everyone in my family would eat (I think I make like 3 dinners that all five of us will eat – all the rest I have to make at least 2 entrees, which sucks) – well! That is teaching me so much about cooking and how flavors work and how things cook – the buying and measuring is all taken out of the problem for you – all the ingredients (in Small portion sizes!!! You can’t overeat with it, there isn’t enough!) just show up, ready to be cooked! Maybe try something like that to help you learn to cook more?

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Barb February 2, 2016 at 2:45 pm

Holly,
Turn the tables for a second and pretend you are at a healthy weight and your daughter was in your shoes. Would you read aloud to her (even if it is all true) what you wrote above? Would you tell her she’s nothing but a liar, lazy, and a big surgery failure? Admitting the truth is one thing but calling yourself names is another. If I recall, from the last blog you wrote you ended it with something about your big a$$. None of that is being kind to yourself. These are all just things you keep repeating to yourself in your head, therefore…it must be true.

Telling yourself you are lazy and “I don’t want to preplan my meals. It takes time. It takes work. And I’d rather reach for a Digiorno.” If you keep telling yourself that then you won’t ever do it. Talk to yourself like you would your son or daughter. If your daughter said she didn’t want to preplan her meals because she is lazy, what would you say to her?

Our mental dialogue will remain negative if we don’t change it. We talk to ourself most throughout the day. Start changing your negative self talk into positive. If it’s Monday morning and you tell yourself you don’t want to write a meal plan then you probably won’t. Try saying, “maybe writing a meal plan isn’t my most favorite thing to do but for now I’m going to take 10 minutes and write one out because doing that will make me feel better as a person and I like to feel good”.

I’m a sugar addict also and have been down the Intuitive Eating path. I find I can be an intuitive eater as long as it doesn’t involve sugar. Once I get processed sugar in me then the “demon” emerges and I’m not rational. I use IE to interpret why I may want to eat when I’m not in fact hungry and after some deep thought I realize maybe I’m just stressing about money and eating would be an “easier” solution but not a “healthier” one. So I do use IE to help me be mindful of the choices I make.

You need to love yourself first and treat yourself like you would your best friend. It’s easy to get into a cycle of bashing ourselves thinking that is telling the truth when in fact it’s nothing more than belittling our self and sending our self esteem further down the tube.

Just some thoughts.

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Bonnie February 2, 2016 at 2:52 pm

Thanks for sharing. I needed to see this today.

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Janet February 2, 2016 at 2:59 pm

Wonderful blog. But don’t be too hard on yourself. We are no different than an alcoholic or drug addict. The lies and self deception are the same no matter the beast of burden. I think it would be easier to be an alcoholic or drug addict. An addict and alcoholic can survive without feeding their beast. When I’m losing or maintaining my weight, I’ve got to survive everyday feeding my beast and still trying to control it despite stress and life circumstances. It’s not self deception. It’s a fact.

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Mitzi R February 2, 2016 at 3:06 pm

Great Post! You know yourself so well, and this makes it even more difficult, to know what you know and still have struggles. Never give up. Have you ever joined a group like OA (Over Eaters Anonymous)? I have not but I know some who have and it helped them a lot. Take your knowledge and let it work for you, try not to punish yourself too much.

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edie February 2, 2016 at 3:40 pm

Have you considered a high carb, low fat vegan lifestyle? Consider checking out the china study, and the starch solution. A lot of people who have problems with over eating, yo yo dieting, and finding themselves blaming their willpower find success on this lifestyle. Especially after a history of low carb dieting (and gaining all the weight back + more). It breaks my heart to hear your story, and I hope you find peace with yourself, your body, and food. I feel your pain, and You have the support of hundreds of people. Find what works for you, and stop blaming your willpower. Also, maybe restart your youtube channel? There is so much support to be found there. Good luck.

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Willow February 2, 2016 at 4:25 pm

Anyone who has been morbidly obese can totally relate to almost every point you make. every.single.one.

However, for each of us in this situation, clearly we are getting SOMETHING out of being so overweight. We are using it as a shield from something we are not yet ready to face. Or maybe we are even using it, unconsciously, as payback. Without good therapy, it’s hard to remove the layers from the onion that is our psyche to figure it all out. But we have to, or no diet or even surgical procedure will fix us.

I believe in abstinence of root problem foods. It helps clear the mind enough to allow us to do the psychological work, I think.

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Karen Coghlan February 2, 2016 at 4:51 pm

Hello,

I found your blog today, while searching for posts about using Planet Fitness.

Your post makes me think that you might benefit from learning about bright line rules, or maybe you already know about them. But, a bright line rule is used in law and legal cases. A Bright Line Rule is a rule that you never break.

When I quit smoking, while I did not know it I used a bright line rule, my rule is never smoke another cigarette, not even one. And it was my job to keep they rule no matter what. I quite smoking and 30 years later never went back.

Recently, 3 months ago, I got an email about a woman who is teaching people how to use bright line rules to get control of their addictive eating habits.

Two of her bright line rules are No Sugar and No Flour, another is only 3 meals a day no snacking, and after 15 years of practice she lostall her excess weight and has kept the weight off, she is married with 3 small kids… The woman is Susan Pierce Thompson, PHD. if you can I would recommend you do a search for her, it is easy to find her site.

I didn’t think that I could only eat only three times a day, but I have been doing it for the past couple of weeks, and I know it could all change in a moment, but if I can quit smoking using a bright line rule why can’t I control my diet with a bright line rule…

Susan has studied the effects of food, diet and the brain, and is an expert in cognitive science…

Just thought you might benefit, anyway wishing you the best
Karen Coghlan
Karen Coghlan recently posted..My Sugar Free & Loving It BlogMy Profile

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Barbara Bennett February 2, 2016 at 6:01 pm

You’re living my life . . . or am I living yours? We’re both pros at self-bashing. A therapist once told me to “think about all the things you do right” instead of beating yourself up for all the things you do wrong. It’s probably the best advice anyone has ever given me . . . but it hasn’t miraculously fixed me! I do think that you and I do a TON of things right 🙂 We just need to do a couple more things right, like adding exercise to our daily lives and making better food choices. I love that you can express your thoughts and feelings so well and you’re willing to share them with us.–Barbara

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Melinda February 2, 2016 at 6:23 pm

Holly,

I am right there with you!! I too lost a bunch of weight but did it eating a strict low carb diet. Once I wavered from the %100 percent strict diet the weight blew back onto me plus some. WE are talking 100 ponds off and back on. I too feel like my body is NOT normal!! LOL!! I am trying again myself but decided this time I am finding the ROOT cause of my eating addiction. I also plan to treat it as just that, ” An ADDICTION” .

My church has a twelve step program for people with ANY kind of addiction, bad habits and hang ups. So I am just beginning this journey, as of last night. 🙂 This time I am leaning on prayer, therapy with my group at church ( it is free) , logging my emotions more than my food. I am learning to stop focusing on my food so much and focus more on how I feel and that I have value. Talking more to the Lord, and leaning on him. Beating yourself up isn’t going to make it better. HANG IN THERE!! Your are loved, you are a beautiful person and it will get better.

keep on hanging on and take baby steps…
Melinda

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Dawn Wagner February 2, 2016 at 8:29 pm

The biggest obstacles we face are the ones we create and tell ourselves. I think we are all masters at this. It’s easier for me to convince others of a lie if I convince myself first. However – eventually, others see through me. I have discovered it is so much easier to fess up and own my challenges. I have a friend who uses the same excuses I used to and I so badly want to hold her by the face and tell her to cut the crap but each of us has to come to terms with our own personal deceit in our own time. Now that you are finally aware of what you are doing to sabotage yourself – you own it and you can control it. YOU! I’m proud of you for this little epiphany. It will make a huge difference in your thinking.
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LHA February 2, 2016 at 9:44 pm

I understand your frustration. It is so easy to know what to do and so hard sometimes to actually do it! I would like to add my agreement to those commenters who said to be kind to yourself. I have had to learn this the hard way. In therapy I was always putting myself down and talking about how lazy and unmotivated I was to make constructive changes. Finally, my therapist asked me if I would talk to a friend that way. I had to admit that I would be encouraging and sympathetic to a friend struggling with the same issues. I also had to admit that all of self-bashing wasn’t helping me in any way. Constantly telling myself what a loser I am and how hopeless I feel only made the downward spiral worsen. It is good to take stock and see where you need to improve. It is also important to be kind to yourself and congratulate yourself on your victories, no matter how small they may be. You can and should be really proud of the weight you have lost and kept off, as that is no small feat. Even hovering around the same weight for some time is a victory! Gaining and losing the same ten pounds over and over is SO much more rewarding than gaining ten pounds a month for a year! Just by staying somewhat constant in your weight and maintaining a loss of 150 pounds you have shown that you DO have fortitude and will power. Now that you have identified some problem areas attack them one at a time and give yourself a break when you falter. I think you are just terrific and you have the support of many more people too. Thank you for your very honest and well written blog!

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Lori February 2, 2016 at 10:51 pm

This is awesome! I think so many of us can relate to so many things if not all of the things in this post! YOU ARE NOT ALONE! 🙂 Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 6, 2016 at 2:22 am

Thank you Lori!!

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Donna February 3, 2016 at 1:29 am

I’m a new reader of your blog. Great post!! Even though I’ve been on this earth for 77 years, you are sooo much wiser than I am – and you just said everything I already knew, but never got around to putting into words so it would register on this pea brain of mine. Thank you, thank you. I’ll be rereading this blog post for a long while. Maybe until it registers on this pea brain?

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 6, 2016 at 2:22 am

Thank you Donna for leaving me a comment. I so appreciate it. I bet we are a lot alike. We probably have been through so many of the same things. I am so blessed to have met people to travel on this path with me!

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Karen February 3, 2016 at 2:23 am

Holly,

You return to the food again and again, despite everything you know, because that is the nature of addiction. You can ‘go deep’ and analyze why you do, etc, but the bottom line is that with an addict, in the absence of an active recovery program (spiritual, emotional, physical, social) there will be a return to the addiction – sometimes a gradual slide back, sometimes a nose-dive back. Cunning, baffling, powerful. I’m not a big 12-step believer, but I will say, the Big Book of AA describes this return to addiction (the ‘mental blank spot’ that moves in and allows us to return to our substance) incredibly well.

You would benefit so very much from relapse prevention training and residential food addiction treatment.

This from someone who lived in active food addiction torment for 25 years, and is finally, finally free.

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Elizabeth February 3, 2016 at 4:16 am

Holly,

I think I would agree with Barb and a few others on here that you are way too hard on yourself.

My internal dialogue is one of my biggest problems in my battle to lose weight, and as I am becoming stronger in turning the volume down on my derailing voice and increasing the volume on my “cheerleader” voice, I am being more successful in my metamorphosis…and in learning to love myself.

One day when I was particularly hard on myself, I was asked by a supporting friend how I’d respond if a friend that had made the progress I had made for the day, but hadn’t cometed the goal they’d attempted? I had to admit to myself that I would NEVER speak to a friend the way I allow my inner voice to speak to me. I also would never let ANYONE ELSE speak to me like that without some kind of fiery comeback, so why did I tolerate allowing MYSELF to berate me…the one that should know me better than anyone else?
My wish and hope for you is that you would start viewing yourself as you would a good friend, or one of your beloved children, or even a stranger. You deserve to celebrate your progresses, and when you mess up, huddle up with your support team and regroup. Love yourself and celebrate your successes…you’ve done this before…you CAN do this. I totally believe in you.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 6, 2016 at 2:21 am

Elizabeth,
You are so right! That internal dialogue is tough to navigate. I hear everything you are saying and I am taking it in. I will work harder to celebrate the progress I have made and to focus on what I have already done knowing it can be done again!! Thank you!

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It's your mom February 3, 2016 at 5:03 am

Denial is not at all helpful. Heaping buckets of cold condemnation on yourself is also not helpful.

AA talks about a condition that addicts/alcoholics have–it’s called believing that they are “terminally unique.” No one is as messed up as they are. They are uniquely and hopelessly screwed up. Of course, they are not. You are not. Most everything you have written in this post could be written by every other food addict that reads it.

Really. I promise. You are not uniquely messed up. You’re just run-of-the-mill messed up.

Which means there is hope.

Take a deep breath…and walk (literally as well as figuratively) forward. Ditch your black cloud and let the sunshine shine on your face; it’ll warm your heart after all of that cold water you’ve just dumped on yourself.

Mom
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 6, 2016 at 2:20 am

Woah..when I saw this I almost cried. I lost my Mom several years ago. She always used to say to me “Take a deep breath..” This feels pretty amazing to read right now. Thank you

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Beth M February 3, 2016 at 6:59 am

Holly, I hate to see you talk to yourself this way. If you had a dear friend who was in your shoes, would you talk to her this way? I understand how you feel, I really do, I’ve failed at weight loss surgery as well, but I’m not giving up on myself yet, and I’m not giving up hope for you either. I know you know this, but you cannot hate yourself into being thin – the self-criticism only feeds the addiction.
I firmly believe one of the most crucial elements of getting back on a solid path is believing it’s possible. Until the past few months, I was feeling pretty desperate, hunting wildly for anything that might help me regain control and get back on track. It’s been over a year since I felt sane about food, but I’m now six weeks into a new way of eating, I’ve kicked the sugar and the binge eating and the overeating, and I have hope again. I’ve lost 22 pounds. It can be done, and I know you have it in you. I found a program that works for me, I know you will too if you just don’t give up. Until then, treat yourself with the love and kindness God would want you to have in your life. Take the hand of someone who will walk this path with you, and let them help. Email me if I can help.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 6, 2016 at 2:19 am

Thank you Beth for your feedback. This has helped. I appreciate it a lot. I will work on some of the things you have mentioned. You are awesome and I appreciate every comment you have made!

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Beth February 4, 2016 at 7:31 pm

“And that my story is TIRED and nothing more than a repeat of the same thing over and over again.”

I have tears. So much of this post could have come from me. At a couple of points, I had to stop reading because it hit too close to home. I can’t thank you enough for writing this.
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Florence February 4, 2016 at 9:48 pm

So have you walked today and what’s on the menu plan for tomorrow? Been to the grocery to buy the things you need for tomorrow’s meals?
BTW, your kids don’t need the sugary crap either.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down February 6, 2016 at 2:13 am

Hey Florence,
Yes I have been walking daily and I’m starting to preplan meals. It’s an adventure!!

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Stephanie February 7, 2016 at 4:39 pm

This was…amazing.

I’ve lost a little over 200lbs and lately I’m struggling. Not really seeing a gain (YET) but I’ve just not been eating well and exercise has been a chore instead of a pleasure. This post was everything I needed to read right now. Thank you so much for writing this. No more excuses for me.

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