My New Years Resolution: Stop Thinking So Much

December 28, 2015 in Uncategorized

So this is going to sound strange but it’s my New Years Resolution

STOP THINKING SO MUCH

I have one of those minds that just runs in circles

Around and around I go through the same thought patterns

Until I work myself into a corner that I never seem to get out of

For years I tried to lose weight

By spending months formulating the perfect plan

Analyzing my options

Researching every detail

Suffering over which plan to choose

Before ever DOING anything

By the time I put any actions into effect I was already exhausted

My mind tired from analysis and no longer sure which way was up

But then I left the fog

I found what worked for me

And it was really pretty simple

Don’t eat sugar

Preplan your meals 

Exercise consistently

Rely on God daily for strength

And it worked so well that I lost 250 pounds

Then promptly determined to rethink the whole plan

Maybe I can handle sugar now

Maybe I don’t need to preplan meals

Perhaps I should stop doing the kind of exercise that works for me

And maybe God can take a backseat

Makes excellent sense, right?!

But that’s basically what I did

It didn’t happen all at once

It was the slow fade

That sideways step or backwards glance that takes you further off course

But I woke up one day and realized that I was back in the fog

And I’ve been stumbling my way out ever sense

Overthinking can be tragic

Because it will box you into your mind where you’ll become imprisoned and helpless

A slave to your thoughts, feelings, mind and emotions

At the whim of whatever idea blows through your brain at any given moment

Oh how I regret this

Oh how I wish I wouldn’t have done that

If only I could change this situation

If only I might have chosen that road instead

Maybe I should try THIS diet

Maybe I should try THAT one

Maybe THIS workout is for me

Maybe I should just go back to THAT

And meanwhile none of this gets you anywhere

Because it’s all just a way to stay inside your head

And never move forward

I know what works

I already did it

It’s no mystery!  It’s all laid out!

All I have to do is go back and read what I clearly spelled out to myself right here in this blog

There is nothing to THINK about

Nothing to decide

It’s the DOING that needs to happen

In order to get control, we have to take action

But in order to take action we’ve got to get out of our head

So my New Years Resolution is to stop thinking

Whatever happened in the past is yesterday

Whatever mistakes I made are forgiven and I’ll just live with the consequences

Because that is the only way FORWARD

We can’t dwell on what’s happened

We must release it and MOVE ON

We can’t keep sifting over options

We must pick one and JUST START

When I started this blog I had one goal

To simply just be authentic

To just tell my story as it was happening

And the problem with that is you don’t get a script in advance

You don’t know how the story will end

I haven’t particularly liked the story of my life the last few years

And because of that I didn’t really want to tell it anymore

Because then I’d have to say that I lost more than just weight

I lost myself

I lost touch with God

I gained control over my food and then lost control in other areas

Because apparently I can only keep one thing under control at a time!

But there I go overthinking again

And we all know where that leads….

I wrote a blog post a month and a half ago about how I wasn’t sure I even cared anymore

How I had mostly just given up trying because maybe being overweight was just safer for me in the end

And when I read that now I think “What a bunch of nonsense, Holly”

What a load of *!*!*! BLEEP

That’s what I think

Because no matter where this journey has taken me—going back to prison is never the right call

Trading one destructive habit for a lesser evil is never the good decision

And giving up is not either

My brother gave me a book for Christmas that I just started reading

And it’s called “Rising Strong”

It’s about falling and what it takes to get back up again

And since I’m good at falling I think this might be the book for me 🙂

On the first page it says….

“I believe that vulnerability –the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome—is the only path to more love, belonging and joy”–Brene Brown

When I read that I thought….yes—that was my goal in the beginning

When I first started my blog that is what I planned to do with it

To be real, vulnerable and authentic

To show up here and tell my story with no guarantee of the outcome

Because I didn’t know if any of this would work

But I was willing to fail in my effort to try

I haven’t been willing to do that in a long time

To just show up and publicly succeed or fail for all the world to see

Because it’s easy to make a plan in your head and then fail at it

When no one else knows you were even trying in the first place

But to tell someone makes you accountable

And that can be scary

But that is what it means to be vulnerable

That is the risk we take when we open up our life

We can try and fail alone so no one knows the mistakes we’ve made

Or we can be vulnerable and let others in even knowing the risk we must take

I’m tired of hiding and pretending everything is ok

But I’m also tired of believing that the slips and falls I have taken must signal some dramatic grim reaper end

You know, I majored in both English and Psychology while in college for a reason

It fits perfectly into the way I tend to think

The way I often view life

I’m always classified as a  “melancholic” personality type if you take the quiz

You know the ones who are overemotional

Finding beauty in even the small things

But also finding catastrophes where there may be none

Moods built out of glass like a carefully created sculpture that takes hours to make

But only requires a slight push off the table to shatter into a million pieces

Somewhere in my mind, I tend to live in a Shakespearean tragedy

Where I am the protagonist starring in my own play

Who is flawed in some tragic way and always ends life in some dramatic and fatal conclusion

The main character making noble efforts to overcome whatever weakness they possess

But ultimately falling prey in the end to the fate they could never really avoid

And when I’m forced to really take a sobering look at myself in the mirror that is what I see

Someone who lives in her head overthinking every move she has ever made

Always looking up to the imaginary curtain falling down on her life signaling the tragic end she cannot avoid

That my weaknesses will finally drown me

That my flaws will ultimately win in the end

So WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER AT ALL

It’s all just so dramatic isn’t it!!

And it could probably be cured in a moment

If I told myself to just shut up and go for a walk when I first get up before overthinking the entire genre of exercise before 8 am

This year I want to do more forgiving

Of myself and others

I want to do less thinking and more doing

I want to do less hiding and more showing up

And I want my blog to once again be a place where I am truly vulnerable and open

Willing to show up EVEN with no guarantee of the outcome!

Because that’s what this life is

A series of successes and mistakes all put together and then left behind as our legacy whatever that will be

So let’s live it as much as possible OUTSIDE of our head

And without the dreadful background music in our mind that we tend to turn on loudly in an effort to signal our own demise

Before the credits have even begun

It’s not over

Not yet

So let’s put on our walking shoes and start moving

The story must go on…..

 

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

charlibuckets December 28, 2015 at 4:03 pm

Holly it is so great to see you writing again! Your honesty is as refreshing as it is endearing.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 28, 2015 at 5:14 pm

Thank you so much. It feels good to write again and it helps me a lot!

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Rhonda W December 28, 2015 at 4:41 pm

Great blog Holly and your attitude is spot on! I have a few pounds that have found me over the past year and my mantra for the New Year is “Getting Lean in 2016”. We can do it! Hugs, Rhonda from Oregon

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 28, 2015 at 5:14 pm

Thanks Rhonda! I have more than a few who found me again too! I like your mantra!!

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Kerstin December 28, 2015 at 4:47 pm

Holly, you will make a lot of people happy if you start blogging more regularly again, we missed you! You have an incredible gift in how you share your journey, don’t ever underestimate that. I’ve been dealing with unexpected grief this Christmas which has sent me straight back into my head and the cookie jar. My resolution for the New Year is also to get back to what I know works, which in my case means thinking all the thoughts, feeling all the feelings and DOING IT ANYWAY. Too tired, lazy, unmotivated, lethargic, busy to get out of your head and get moving? DO IT ANYWAY. Three very powerful words 🙂 Thank you for being you and wishing you lots of love and happiness for 2016! xo
Kerstin recently posted..Between the years: good-ish news on the scales and looking forward to restarting my programMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 28, 2015 at 5:13 pm

Thank you Kerstin! I great appreciate it. I’m sorry to hear about the unexpected grief through Christmas and I can tell you that I do relate. My mother passed away shortly after Christmas actually on New Years Eve of all times. I will never forget learning of this and then having to listen to the sounds of celebration going on outside as people popped fireworks New Years Eve. I remember wondering how the entire world could keep going when my Mom had died. I really felt that the world should entirely STOP in that moment. But it didn’t. I’m sorry for whatever you are going through and I know how easily that can throw a person off course. Like you said we must feel things but then DO what we must do anyway regardless of how we feel. So much harder than it sounds. Heading over to visit your blog now!

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Kerstin December 29, 2015 at 11:02 pm

Thank you, Holly! In my case it was my mom, too. I remember well when you’ve spoken about your mother’s passing and how hard that was and I kind of feel like I’ve joined this secret club now that I didn’t think I’d be joining for a long while. But we have to keep going, right? xo
Kerstin recently posted..Video blog ramblings between the yearsMy Profile

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LN December 28, 2015 at 6:38 pm

I just love you Holly. So glad you are blogging and hope on a regular basis. You are an inspiration.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 28, 2015 at 9:28 pm

Thank you! I love you too!!

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Anneli December 28, 2015 at 8:32 pm

Love it!!!! I’m so glad you’re back!!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 28, 2015 at 9:29 pm

Thanks Anneli!

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Lori December 28, 2015 at 10:31 pm

I’m new to your blog but have read enough to know that you inspire so many people and have so much to share. You have helped others, now let them help you. I have found so much love and support this past year since beginning my journey and blogging about it. Just putting it all out there helps so much. I hope you continue to post, we can all help each other 🙂
Lori recently posted..I’m Still HereMy Profile

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Keranna December 29, 2015 at 1:45 am

Way to Go Holly!!!!!

I really needed your post today. I think the problem you’ve outlined that you have is the same one that I am getting hammered by too. My plan is to go back to what works too (and to do that I’m going back to the Atkins shakes that you wrote about to end my current food love affair and gain some much needed control in that area). I just need that simplicity again as my heart is aching due to life’s griefs (divorce and deaths in the family) and I feel overwhelmed by my body (weight gain) and my job.

Thank you for openly sharing and imparting Hope!
God Bless You and Your Family Now and in the New Year!!!!!!!

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Calleigh December 29, 2015 at 1:49 am

So glad you are back Holly. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and best wishes for 2016!
Calleigh recently posted..Keep It SimpleMy Profile

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tb December 29, 2015 at 2:43 am

Hello dear Holly. I have that problem too. Psychologists call it “ruminating”. I can never figure out what to do. I end up wasting time and doing nothing, then I feel even worse. I end up blaming my life instead of myself, i.e. if only I had more money, if only I had more friends and family, etc. I always feel like none of it is my fault. Of course, having very few relatives is not really my fault, but I should have been able to save money better than I have. And I can always make more friends. But I spend ages thinking about how to fix things, not putting those things into action, and then giving up before doing anything at all, convinced that it is hopeless. Then I feel even worse. I found out that overthinking is addictive. Buddhists call this “monkey mind”. They say we have to be mindful and in the present, not thinking about the past or future. But let us face it, weight loss is hard. Everywhere I go, I see luscious desserts, foods that would be fun to make, bake, and create, and even more fun to eat. I get so bored eating healthy stuff. Sometimes I feel I just have to buy some yummy cookies, chocolate, or cake. But I am trying to find other fun things to do instead that don’t involve eating. It took me a year to lose only five pounds. Imagine that. At this rate, I will spend eight years losing my forty pounds of excess weight. Oh well. Better than gaining! But sometimes, I feel like the world ought to be different so that I could function better in it. I feel like God only gave me a few ways in which to be, with very few options as to how to live my life. I find it hard to function in what I perceive to be constraints. But I am trying to be more positive. I always seem to just uncover more problems though sometimes instead of actually improving, so I don’t know. Gotta keep trying though. God bless!!!!

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16blessingsmom December 29, 2015 at 2:47 pm

Holly, I am thankful for your honesty. Your vulnerability, they way you open yourself up…while therapeutic for you, is also so encouraging for the rest of us out here in the struggle! God gives grace to the humble! Thank you so much for sharing, and may God bless you and strengthen you in the new year…

Della

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John (Daddy Runs a Lot) December 29, 2015 at 4:04 pm

You know — if only “not thinking so much” worked.

This week is truly difficult for me, every year — Christmas Eve on the 24th, with my mom’s cooking my childhood favorites. Then Christmas on the 25th with Greek pastries for dessert. Then my anniversary on the 27th, and my wife loves pasta. Then my birthday on the 30th, where my mom will make my favorite cake. Then New Years on the 31st, where everyone brings their leftover Christmas cookies (and my discipline has already taken a hit from all of the drinking . . . because BOOZE!)

My weight, typically, fluctuates 2-3 pounds a day, in any direction. I woke up on December 26th a full 10 pounds heavier than I was when I woke on December 24th. Today, I’m 11 pounds lighter than I was Saturday morning. I blame the sugar . . .

Come the new year, I’m adopting your approach: exercise when I can, avoid sugar, the rest will figure itself out.
John (Daddy Runs a Lot) recently posted..Where I share a few fun stories about my kidsMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 29, 2015 at 4:38 pm

Thanks John for the feedback. I totally hear you on how the weight can go up 2-3 lbs and even 10 lbs almost overnight. I have a gift I think for putting weight on instantly!! LOL At least it feels this way. I guess I am lucky in that I don’t live around family that cooks a lot so if I don’t cook it or bring it in the house it isn’t around me. So I do have that going in my favor. On the other hand, the BOOZE as you said is something that became an issue for me after I had a lot of success with weight loss. It’s liquid calories. Beer is liquid bread I think. And it all converts to sugar I’m pretty sure in the end and starts cravings. Also it’s wildly addictive for people like me who seem to have been wired for that. It’s like my brain will find something to fill the void left behind by cupcakes. If it isn’t cupcakes and food then my brain wants to turn to wine or some other form of alcohol. Even finding a way to drink in moderation is still fueling a lot of calories/carbs/sugars that my body cannot deal with. Always causing stalls and weight gains. If not bigger problems. My goal is to cut out alcohol completely from my life. I mourn it in some ways because I almost feel like I have to keep giving up every single thing!! Like a kid who just can’t handle one lick of freedom without going crazy with it. I have to ground myself from donuts, cookies, candy, wine, beer and who knows what will be next on the list! If I could literally get myself to just not rethink that decision I would be halfway there! It’s the constant rationalizations and trying to re-think it or find a way to ‘make it work’ that gets me in serious trouble!

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Sara December 29, 2015 at 6:34 pm

Wow. I feel like you and I could be twins. Everything that you said just spoke to me so deeply and I completely understand what you are saying. I am the exact same way in my life and it’s a viscous circle. I am going to nab your new years resolution and make it my own as well. You are right, we mustn’t over-analyze every single little detail, but rather just go for it and do it with abandon.

Good luck to you! I look forward to reading more from you this year. You are truly an inspiration to me.

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Pat December 30, 2015 at 3:11 am

Holly, I am so glad you are back. I was saddened by your previous post about giving up. 2016 is going to be our year. I’m on this journey with you.

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Dawn W December 30, 2015 at 5:49 am

I am the queen of overthinking. 99% of success comes from failure so I’ve decided that in 2016, I am going to become more of a “just go with it and see what happens” kind of girl. We got this, Chica!!

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LuckyMama January 3, 2016 at 10:04 pm

Love this post – shows how human you…and the rest of us are..

Glad you’re back.

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