Today I was at Burger King.
Not intentionally though.
You see I was coming home from a pedicure. This is something I started doing after I lost enough weight that I could fit in the chair.
I highly recommend it. I know it seems like an expense but think of it this way….
If you were previously willing to spend 7 dollars or more at a drive thru window on an almost daily basis then what is 35 dollars for a pedicure? That is probably no more than the price of a binge! At least for me. I easily spent 35 dollars on binge food when I was 417 pounds. So what is 35 dollars once a month? It’s calorie free. It’s good for your soul! And if I was willing to spend that money on myself before (for something unhealthy) then why shouldn’t I be willing to spend that money on myself now (for something nice!)
This still doesn’t explain why I was at Burger King though.
You see, I was headed home when very suddenly I had to go to the bathroom.
Ever had one of those moments?!
So I had to pull over at the first location. And it just so happened to be Burger King.
This is ironic because for the first time in about a year and a half I have finally experienced control over my appetite.
A control I attribute 100% to getting sugar OUT OF ME.
Did I mention sugar is a demon from hell?? Well it is!
And it OWNS me when it’s running through my veins. But when it is not in my system, I’m a completely different person.
And today that ‘different person’ was the one who pulled into Burger King.
So I ran into the bathroom and as I shut the door—this is what I see .
This is what I spent the entire time looking at while I was….well….on the toilet. Sorry to be blunt. But that’s just the situation!
So all I have to look at is the phrase “Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger, Flame Grilled Just For You” and “From Scratch Biscuits Made Every Day”
I love by the way both of those. Also I love onion rings and onion ring sauce. So I really should stop talking now before we all get hungry!
My point here is that Burger King and I have a history. We go WAYYY back. Long years ago when I was still married I lived on a military base that had only one fast food restaurant . You guessed it! Burger King. I think I ate more Whoppers and onion rings during 2003-2005 than ever in my life! And I had absolutely no control. Even if I was just innocently heading to the commissary to go grocery shopping my car would be pulled in the direction of the drive thru window. Nothing it seemed could keep me from that place!
There was a part of me this morning that wanted to stay away. But my bladder wouldn’t allow it. It was walk into Burger King or pee in the car. So in I went!! But almost a month ago now (has it been that long??) my brother helped me start a sugar detox. And I began two full weeks of detoxing. It was a serious struggle. And I floundered all over the place. But about day 15, I started to feel almost normal. I could feel the fog lifting. And I knew victory was right around the corner. I pressed on and pressed through. Here I am today feeling like a different woman. The woman I was before I was on sugar. The one in control.
As I sat in the bathroom smelling (not pee!) but the lingering scents of Burger King food drifting over the stall….I began to wonder if I would be tempted by these pictures of food staring back at me. I started to wonder why they even hung them there in the first place. Maybe they know people sometimes pop in just to use the bathroom? Maybe they have placed them there in an effort to draw you in! I can’t blame them. They are a money making establishment after all. But the more I stared at them the more I realized—I have STEEL WILLPOWER. I can stare at that food…smell that food….and have NO DESIRE TO EAT IT.
Wow…I started thinking. I’m in control. TOTAL CONTROL. I am beating Burger King. That makes me the Queen! I have beat the King. I have won. I am amazing. I am more than amazing. I am all powerful. WOW!! I am awesome!
I walked out to wash my hands and stared at myself in the mirror.
Look at you, Holly. LOOK AT YOU! Almost 15 pounds down in a month. Totally in control of your food. Walking right into the flame-broiled fire and not getting burned. Not even tempted. Effortlessly beating down any temptation coming your way. You are so full of world dominating power right now it’s unbelievable!! I’m actually at awe at myself right now!!
And as I stared at myself in the mirror overwhelmed by my own mind blowing self control and on the biggest power trip I’ve been on in awhile— I suddenly realized this sobering thought.
None of this has to do with me.
NONE OF IT
This isn’t about my character. My moral proclivity towards good or evil. My self control. My willpower. Or my personal strength.
Because I’m not powerful. I’m not the Wizard of Oz. In fact I am the same girl who gained back 100 pounds!
But what I am right now is very simply this—-
You see before this happened….like for the past almost year and a half that sugar whipped my behind yet again….I have done the exact opposite. Driven by Burger King and felt helplessly drawn through the drive thru. I’ve walked through the grocery store unable to NOT buy ice cream at times. I have day after day berated myself for being weak. Mourned my lack of willpower. Cried over my utter inability to go more than a few hours without giving in.
And do you know what?? None of that was true. It wasn’t ME that was weak. And it wasn’t ME that was powerful. It was simply sugar that was addictive and I was reacting accordingly.
If I had locked myself in a prison would I then berate myself for being too weak to get out? Unable to bend steel bars like Wonder Woman?
DO I EXPECT MYSELF TO BE WONDER WOMAN???
No I wouldn’t. And I would not even expect myself to bend steel.
If I was suddenly released from that prison would I then turn to the steel bars and say “HA HA!! LOOK AT ME!! I AM ALL POWERFUL!!”
Of course not! I would thank the person who released me. Because it had nothing to do with me. All I did was walk in…and walk out.
This is in some ways like sugar. Now yes….much of it DOES have to do with me . Because I am the one who must suffer. I must suffer walking in and I must suffer walking out. I must have patience in my prison cell while I detox off sugar. I must walk closer to the door on my way out and not further into the prison cell accepting my fate as the sugar leaves my system. But ultimately my strength and willpower on and off sugar has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the powerfully addictive substance running through my veins.
I have been off sugar almost a month now. I started around March 24th and here we are not even 30 days later. A totally different situation . A completely new mindset. And all because I am off of sugar. Suddenly I am about 15 pounds thinner. I am having to remind myself to eat. I am not struggling . I am not hungry. And I have no problem peeing in Burger King without getting sucked into the black hole of onion rings. This is what getting off sugar is all about. And it’s taken me WAY TOO LONG to do it!
Every time I’m on sugar I lose time. Like whole years of my life. And every time I get off sugar I wonder why it took me so long to wake up.
Not too long ago I was feeling helpless again. I had regained 100 pounds since weight loss surgery and I felt powerless. Hungry. And out of control. My appetite was so beyond me that I was beginning to literally fear that all would be lost. I felt like I was holding back a flood gate. I was doing nothing more than gritting my teeth and trying to slow down the regain. It got to the point where I actually began researching revision weight loss surgery. Trying to find a second chance. A way to pull my last card…AGAIN. Because I was SO SO BLIND to what sugar was doing to me that I could not even see straight!!!
But then I remembered. It was all about the sugar.
The weight loss surgery helped but it didn’t cure me. It wasn’t what set me free. ‘
It was only getting off sugar that allowed my ravenous hunger to stop.
It was only getting off sugar that made the relentless appetite go away.
So you know what? If I get another surgery—it won’t be for weight loss. It will be to get rid of the excess skin which weighs us down after massive weight loss. Because yes…that is annoying. And if I pursue another surgery—it will only be for that. But another surgery to alter my stomach? NO. That is not needed. Because I have everything I need right now to be successful. And it’s freedom from the addictive substance that has plagued me all of my life.
It wants to win. But it won’t. IT WILL NOT WIN.
And once again—I’m back in this fight!