The Power is Returning!!

April 17, 2015 in Uncategorized

Today I was at Burger King.

Not intentionally though.

You see I was coming home from a pedicure.  This is something I started doing after I lost enough weight that I could fit in the chair.

I highly recommend it.  I know it seems like an expense but think of it this way….

If you were previously willing to spend 7 dollars or more at a drive thru window on an almost daily basis then what is 35 dollars for a pedicure? That is probably no more than the price of a binge! At least for me.  I easily spent 35 dollars on binge food when I was 417 pounds.  So what is 35 dollars once a month?  It’s calorie free.  It’s good for your soul!  And if I was willing to spend that money on myself before (for something unhealthy) then why shouldn’t I be willing to spend that money on myself now (for something nice!)

This still doesn’t explain why I was at Burger King though.

You see, I was headed home when very suddenly I had to go to the bathroom.

LIKE IMMEDIATELY

Ever had one of those moments?!

So I had to pull over at the first location.  And it just so happened to be Burger King.

This is ironic because for the first time in about a year and a half I have finally experienced control over my appetite.

A control I attribute 100% to getting sugar OUT OF ME.

Did I mention sugar is a demon from hell?? Well it is!

And it OWNS me when it’s running through my veins.  But when it is not in my system, I’m a completely different person.

And today that ‘different person’ was the one who pulled into Burger King.

So I ran into the bathroom and as I shut the door—this is what I see .

This is what I spent the entire time looking at while I was….well….on the toilet.  Sorry to be blunt.  But that’s just the situation!

burger king

 

 

So all I have to look at is the phrase “Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger, Flame Grilled Just For You” and “From Scratch Biscuits Made Every Day”

I love by the way both of those.   Also I love onion rings and onion ring sauce.  So I really should stop talking now before we all get hungry!

My point here is that Burger King and I have a history.  We go WAYYY back.   Long years ago when I was still married I lived on a military base that had only one fast food restaurant . You guessed it! Burger King.  I think I ate more Whoppers and onion rings during 2003-2005 than ever in my life!  And I had absolutely no control.  Even if I was just innocently heading to the commissary to go grocery shopping my car would be pulled in the direction of the drive thru window.  Nothing  it seemed could keep me from that place!

There was a part of me this morning that wanted to stay away.  But my bladder wouldn’t allow it.  It was walk into Burger King or pee in the car. So in I went!! But almost a month ago now (has it been that long??) my brother helped me start a sugar detox.  And I began two full weeks of detoxing. It was a serious struggle.   And I floundered all over the place.  But about day 15, I started to feel almost normal.  I could feel the fog lifting.  And I knew victory was right around the corner.  I pressed on and pressed through.  Here I am today feeling like a different woman.  The woman I was before I was on sugar.  The one in control.

As I sat in the bathroom smelling (not pee!) but the lingering scents of Burger King food drifting over the stall….I began to wonder if I would be tempted by these pictures of food staring back at me.  I started to wonder why they even hung them there in the first place.  Maybe they know people sometimes pop in just to use the bathroom?  Maybe they have placed them there in an effort to draw you in!  I can’t blame them.  They are a money making establishment after all.  But the more I stared at them the more I realized—I have STEEL WILLPOWER.  I can stare at that food…smell that food….and have NO DESIRE TO EAT IT.

Wow…I started thinking.   I’m in control.  TOTAL CONTROL.  I am beating Burger King.  That makes me the Queen!  I have beat the King.  I have won.  I am amazing. I am more than amazing.  I am all powerful.  WOW!! I am awesome!

I walked out to wash my hands and stared at myself in the mirror.

Look at you, Holly.  LOOK AT YOU!  Almost 15 pounds down in a month.   Totally in control of your food.  Walking right into the flame-broiled fire and not getting burned.  Not even tempted.  Effortlessly beating down any temptation coming your way.  You are so full of world dominating power right now it’s unbelievable!! I’m actually at awe at myself right now!!

And as I stared at myself in the mirror overwhelmed by my own mind blowing self control and on the biggest power trip I’ve been on in awhile— I suddenly realized this sobering thought.

None of this has to do with me.

NONE OF IT

This isn’t about my character.  My moral proclivity towards good or evil.  My self control.  My willpower.  Or my personal strength.

Because I’m not powerful.  I’m not the Wizard of Oz.  In fact I am the same girl who gained back 100 pounds!

But what I am right now is very simply this—-

OFF SUGAR

You see before this happened….like for the past almost year and a half that sugar whipped my behind yet again….I have done the exact opposite.  Driven by Burger King and felt helplessly drawn through the drive thru.  I’ve walked through the grocery store unable to NOT buy ice cream at times.  I have day after day berated myself for being weak.  Mourned my lack of willpower.  Cried over my utter inability to go more than a few hours without giving in.

And do you know what?? None of that was true.  It wasn’t ME that was weak.  And it wasn’t ME that was powerful.  It was simply sugar that was addictive and I was reacting accordingly.

If I had locked myself in a prison would I then berate myself for being too weak to get out? Unable to bend steel bars like Wonder Woman?

DO I EXPECT MYSELF TO BE WONDER WOMAN???

No I wouldn’t.  And I would not even expect myself to bend steel.

If I was suddenly released from that prison would I then turn to the steel bars and say “HA HA!! LOOK AT ME!! I AM ALL POWERFUL!!”

Of course not! I would thank the person who released me.  Because it had nothing to do with me.  All I did was walk in…and walk out.

This is in some ways like sugar.  Now yes….much of it DOES have to do with me . Because I am the one who must suffer.  I must suffer walking in and I must suffer walking out.  I must have patience in my prison cell while I detox off sugar.  I must walk closer to the door on my way out and not further into the prison cell accepting my fate as the sugar leaves my system.  But ultimately my strength and willpower on and off sugar has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the powerfully addictive substance running through my veins.

I have been off sugar almost a month now.  I started around March 24th and here we are not even 30 days later.  A totally different situation . A completely new mindset.  And all because I am off of sugar.  Suddenly I am about 15 pounds thinner.  I am having to remind myself to eat.  I am not struggling . I am not hungry.  And I have no problem peeing in Burger King without getting sucked into the black hole of onion rings.  This is what getting off sugar is all about.  And it’s taken me WAY TOO LONG to do it!

Every time I’m on sugar I lose time.  Like whole years of my life.  And every time I get off sugar I wonder why it took me so long to wake up.

Not too long ago I was feeling helpless again.  I had regained 100 pounds since weight loss surgery and I felt powerless.  Hungry.  And out of control. My appetite was so beyond me that I was beginning to literally fear that all would be lost.  I felt like I was holding back a flood gate.  I was doing nothing more than gritting my teeth and trying to slow down the regain.   It got to the point where I actually began researching revision weight loss surgery.  Trying to find a second chance.  A way to pull my last card…AGAIN.  Because I was SO SO BLIND to what sugar was doing to me that I could not even see straight!!!

But then I remembered.  It was all about the sugar.

The weight loss surgery helped but it didn’t cure me.  It wasn’t what set me free. ‘

It was only getting off sugar that allowed my ravenous hunger to stop.

It was only getting off sugar that made the relentless appetite go away.

So you know what? If I get another surgery—it won’t be for weight loss.  It will be to get rid of the excess skin which weighs us down after massive weight loss.  Because yes…that is annoying.  And if I pursue another surgery—it will only be for that.  But another surgery to alter my stomach? NO. That is not needed.  Because I have everything I need right now to be successful.  And it’s freedom from the addictive substance that has plagued me all of my life.

http://www.dreamstime.com/-image7108646

It wants to win.  But it won’t.  IT WILL NOT WIN.

And once again—I’m back in this fight!

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Calleigh April 17, 2015 at 11:38 pm

I am so incredibly happy for you Holly and very proud to hear that you are doing so well!

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Pam April 18, 2015 at 12:23 am

Once again Holly–you have touched me where I live. I started getting manicures 4 years ago as I neared my goal weight and still go about every 3 weeks. Those long fake nails make me feel so feminine after hating my short stubby fingers and chewed cuticles (but not the nails) for my whole life. It is a treat that I feel is wholly justified. Like you, I no longer blow cash on fast food stops or bags of candy at Walgreens. Glad you made it through Burger King w/o being tempted. I have noticed a few BK billboards advertising they have new extra long cheeseburgers. Sounds weird, and not at all tempting.

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LHA April 18, 2015 at 1:56 am

The most amazing thing about this post is that it was written right after you got back from a wonderful vacation. Trips have derailed many eating plans and the temptations while traveling are many! I struggle with going back to sugar and heavy carbs every single time I travel. You are inspiring!

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Sean Anderson April 18, 2015 at 2:47 am

This is an amazing post. Holly, your description of the difference sugar abstinence makes, was exactly what I’ve experienced. It’s a life changer. And your description of what it’s like while on sugar…oh, how I could relate. During my relapse and regain period, the feelings of being compelled–controlled, feeling like my choices–even though I knew it was killing me and going against everything I wanted for me–were not my own. It was scary. Truly frightening. The struggle was more difficult than ever because I pretty much stopped writing, stopped reaching out–I was isolating and heading straight back up the scale on a record pace.
Thank you for what you do, Holly. Thank you for being an incredible voice along this road.
I truly believe giving up sugar is the single most important decision I’ve ever made in my life. It sounds like you feel the same way.
I absolutely adore your style.
And getting those nails done, you deserve it X 1000. And you make a brilliant point about what we spent money on before Vs. what we spend today. I hope you don’t mind me sharing the link to this post.

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Mrs. O April 18, 2015 at 1:11 pm

I love reading your posts. Your honesty and the rawness of your emotions that come through your posts have helped me many times in my own journey.
For me, carbs – bread and crackers – are my demon. I can eat an entire loaf of Italian bread or a box of Ritz crackers in one sitting and get up to look for more to eat. I’ve managed to control those cravings by adding lots of veggies with all my meals. I find I enjoy my meals more when they’re bulked up with all those veggies.
Now I’m starting to think the way you’re thinking: rewarding myself with something that isn’t food related. It’s something fun to look forward to that doesn’t jeopardize my weight loss efforts and instead motivates me to continue on track so I can get the next thing on my rewards list.

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Lori April 18, 2015 at 6:51 pm

You are strong and amazing!

I love a good pedicure myself. I used to use them as a reward for reaching a goal. Now, they are a necessity if I am to have polished toenails since I can no longer bend that far with my new hip. (Of course polished toenails are not a necessity!)
Lori
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John (Daddy Runs a Lot) April 19, 2015 at 5:23 pm

Kick. Ass.

Seriously. That’s quite the achievement.

Years ago, I read an article where the author accompanied “The Rock” on a non-training day. At the time (and I understand that he’s actually gotten far stricter these days), he trained hard / ate clean 6 days a week. Then “anything that happens, happens” on the 7th day.

Dwayne’s instructions to the author? “If you let me anywhere near a Burger King, I’ll kill you.” Because even an elite athlete / performer had issues there. I fight the urge to pick up an order of onion rings…every time I pass a damn franchise. What you did, avoiding the horrible-for-you-yum when you found yourself IN THE BELLY OF THE BEAST. Well, I applaud you. Seriously.

And I love that you treat yourself to a monthly pedicure. Because you’re right – you were spending the money…in your head, it’s money spent already…might as well enjoy it. I keep telling myself that I’m going to schedule regular massages, with take-out money. Maybe someday. And someday soon. Especially after reading this.
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Elizabeth April 19, 2015 at 6:08 pm

Awesome post. You are such a good writer — powerful stuff! It is truly amazing how sugar can mess with your whole body. It really is poison.

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Shay from Trashy Blog April 19, 2015 at 11:07 pm

I need to start getting pedicures, but I swear I don’t want to have to put any nail technician through that. My tootsies are gross! I like to blame it on being a runner, but it could totally be a fungus. Perhaps I’ve said enough…haha
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Vail April 22, 2015 at 12:32 am

Thank you for sharing, I am taking some of your words of wisdom and experience to heart as they certainly ring true. I have been decreasing my daily intake of sugar since January, but still splurge with the Family on desserts a couple of times a week. I am aiming for 2 weeks of sugar free days, and I began counting this morning. I would be so ecstatic if my ‘need to feed’ feelings were truly lessened and I could feel like I was wearing a cape when making choices that are right rather than easy. So thank you again, now that I know you are here I will be back to read your Sugar De-Tox tab for inspiration as I go through the next week. And congratulations on your amazing successes – you are an inspiration.
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Ronda April 22, 2015 at 1:44 am

Yes! Same for me. It starts with sugar, and ends with snacking all day long on all sorts of carbs that I don’t need!
So glad you’re seeing the difference.
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Anneli April 23, 2015 at 5:21 pm

I’m so PROUD of you!!!!

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Destini April 23, 2015 at 11:41 pm

I feel like such a loser, holly. I’ve been doing so good. I have been exercising and I hadn’t had a sweet in two weeks straight! And then I fell back into the trap again. I really to feel like a slave to food. I keep losing and ‘re gaining the same 13 pounds.I’m so scared to look at the scale because I’ll cry If I see 313 again. I don’t know what to do. I want to lose weight but I keep sabotaging myself. I don’t know what to do…

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down April 24, 2015 at 3:03 pm

I know exactly how you feel Destini! Exactly!! I almost had to make sure I hadn’t written this myself. Especially because you said 13 pounds. I was at first stuck not being able to get past 10 pounds without gaining it back. But then I finally made it past that to 13 pounds. And struggling to not gain that all back too! I understand how it is. I really do. And you are right it is like being a slave to the food. But I want you to know that the food is probably not the problem. If you are like me then it is the sugar. And you are doing nothing more than having the exact reaction sugar is designed to give. Sugar is so addictive. It is SO hard to break free from. Once you do then you will just look back and be amazed at yourself for having not gained more than you have. I am honestly amazed at myself for not being 600 or 700 pounds bc holding back that ferocious of an appetite is HARD. And sugar is what is making it so ferocious. So…this is what we do. We just keep trying. Every day. And hold onto the hope that every day gets you closer to that freedom. Just keep getting sugar out of your food and staying away from it. If you fall off the wagon get back on and just keep trucking! The more pure you become in your sugar free life the more powerful you will become. It’s like lifting weights. You gain strength more and more as you ‘practice’. So if you screw up don’t worry about it. You’re just practicing and every day you get stronger. You get closer to that freedom. We will get there!!

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Destini April 24, 2015 at 5:50 pm

Thank you for replying! I feel a lot better now! I screwed up but I just have to hop back on the band wagon! You got me motivated again. Thank you! I’ve got my shakes and I’m starting today! Pray for me

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Destini April 24, 2015 at 5:52 pm

Oh and btw yes it is sugar. Been hooked on it since I was child. Everyone called me the cookie monster for a reason LOL!

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Stephanie April 28, 2015 at 4:20 am

That’s amazing! I keep flirting with the idea of cutting out sugar, but keep coming up with excuses. This is really encouraging.

And my stomach, totally missing the point of this article wants onion rings now.
Stephanie recently posted..24 Week Check UpMy Profile

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Mrs.H April 29, 2015 at 4:06 am

Holly, I’m so glad I read this!!! Three years ago I read your blog, gave up sugar, and lost over 200lbs in less than 2 years. Then I started an extremely stressful career, got remarried, moved TWICE and I the last 9 monthes I gained 60lbs back!! I literally lost hope that I could ever get control over my life again. Crazy as it sounds, sugar doesn’t just mess with my body, it screws with my emotions too. Angry, frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed, hopeless, and top that off with a nice slice of “outgrew all those expensive clothes I bought myself”. I was desperate for hope. There is even a spiritual element for me. It’s spooky, but I can pretty much track my relationship with God (and myself) by my sugar intake. I remembered your blog, got caught up on it Sunday night, and started the sugar detox shakes on Monday. Okay, so it’s only been two days clean, BUT ITS TWO DAYS CLEAN!!! So thank you for inspiring me yet again! Yes, I have a ways to go before I’m back to my previous “low”, and then another 15-20 lbs to go after that, but already I feel like a new person, body, mind and spirit.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down April 29, 2015 at 1:20 pm

Oh this makes me so happy!!! Thank you so much for leaving this comment. It gives hope to me and many others I am sure. I can relate to everything you said. I am exactly the same way. The mental and spiritual aspect does get intertwined and it does affect things. But I am just SOOO proud of you for being two days off the sugar. I know it is not easy. I just recently went through this yet again and I am telling you the hell will end and you WILL be back on track again. The hunger will be gone. You will be back in your expensive clothes that you bought!! We can do this!! And congratulations also on your new career and marriage! By the way moving is super stressful and I am quite sure all those things together definitely helped sugar take root again. But we can kick its butt!

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