Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her Butt—now that’s an experience I can relate to!

November 15, 2014 in Uncategorized

So this week I found out that Kim Kardashian #broketheinternet with her butt.  I won’t post the picture because I’m quite sure you’ve seen it. Just hang out on twitter or instagram for a few seconds and you won’t be able to avoid it.  If there is one thing I can say for sure—Kim achieved her goal.  I have now seen her butt at least a thousand times in a row this week between the actual picture and the memes people are putting together.

I’ve got something to say about it too….and it’s this—I was in on that trend long ago!

I can’t say I ever broke the internet with my butt but I have broken chairs, a bench, and even my bed.  I even messed up the driver’s side seat in my car with my giant butt.  And it was a Suburban. So that is pretty powerful!  I will never forget the horror of sitting down on one side of a bench with my young children on the other.   They almost went flying through the air as I tipped it over.  I actually did break almost all of the chairs that went with our dining room set.  I bought benches instead thinking they would be sturdier.  Then I broke one of those as well.  If you’ve ever been a really big person then you know checking chairs is a MUST.  The last thing you want to do is break one in public.  Of course I’ve done that too.

I’ve also been stuck in various places due to my butt.  Once I got stuck in the tub and almost had to call the fire department to get me out.  That would have been a memory for the children.  I actually visited a very small church once when we lived in Alaska.  The space between the wall and the pew was extremely small.  I guess I really believed in the power of prayer that day because I got up and attempted to squeeze down the aisle when it came time for Communion.  Much to my dismay, my giant butt got me stuck instead. Stuck between the pew and the wall.  There I was in some small church in Alaska making jokes about needing vaseline to oil me up and get me out.  Perhaps if I had used the same oil on my butt that Kim Kardashian clearly had all over hers during that photo shoot, I might have had an easier time getting out.

But I’m more partial to baby powder.  I mean if you’ve ever really been a big person—big butt, big boobs, big thighs—then you know powder is critical.  After all, we’re here to break the internet.  Not start a fire.  And the easiest way to start a fire is to take your big thighs out for a walk.  In fact, if I was on Survivor, I already know what my strategy would be.  I could start the fire up for the tribe in 5 seconds flat with my big thighs.  Pretty soon the friction of those things rubbing together creates the kind of 5 alarm fire nightmares are made of.  Unfortunately, there is a downside. You can’t have big body parts without big rashes developing.  Heat rashes and other things.  So you have to roll yourself in powder like a baking creation.  Like you’re the main entree of a recipe.  Never mind that as you walk out into the world, you emit puffs of baby powder smoke.  Never mind that you smell like a 4 month old.  You’re doing what has to be done to keep the world safe!

Yes it’s true.  Big body parts are powerful things.  Just ask about the time I was walking through a store and my hips knocked something off the display shelf and it came crashing to the floor.  I’m not sure what happened next.  Luckily my mind has self preservation strategies in place to block out the most traumatic of events.  But yes Kim, it’s true.  Big butts break things all the time. Not always the internet.  Unless you fall on your computer or maybe the modem.   But they definitely break chairs.  And benches.  And beds.  There is nothing like being in your bed when it suddenly crashes from underneath you sending you and the children toppling to the floor.  You must think quick then.  “Save yourselves!!”, you scream!

So while everyone is talking about Kim’s butt, I just want to say this.  At 42 years old and the mother of 4 children, I thought I was way past being cool.  Now I come to find out, I was a trendsetter all along!!  My butt has been breaking things for years.  It’s good to be relevant!

I’m so cool right now, I’ll even put on my shades :)) The kids say they’re too big and make me look like a fly.  But who cares.   I have a giant butt to go with them and apparently–that’s all you need!

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Dawn Wagner November 15, 2014 at 4:29 pm

I can totally relate. My butt has even broken pants. Nothing like sitting down in your chair at work and hearing the threads rip out from underneath you. Explain THAT to your boss when you have to sneak out to the store and buy a new pair. At least I could laugh through the tears when I walked in and noticed the store was having a “blowout” sale on jeans.

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tb November 17, 2014 at 10:04 pm

hello, just responding to dawn wagners post: i just wanted to say that i hope that your boss was kind and understanding when you had to leave work to purchase new pants. i have had many jobs and hardly any of my bosses were nice at all ever. i hope your boss was nicer than any of mine ever were. i love the blowout joke though. my pants never ripped like that but only because i wear very loose and baggy ones. i look sloppy though i guess. oh well!!

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Janis Green November 15, 2014 at 7:28 pm

You are such great writer. Thanks again for a great blog.

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Calleigh November 15, 2014 at 10:05 pm

Hahaha! You have a wonderful sense of humor! I know those times must have been beyond hard for you Holly, but I’m proud of you for being able to look back and share those hard times with a bit of humor.
Calleigh recently posted..Sticking With ItMy Profile

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tb November 16, 2014 at 4:30 am

Really enjoyable post!! It is good to tell stories with humour. You have a great sense of humour!! I love it!! Lovely photo of you. Nice hairstyle you have! My thighs also rub together a lot too by the way. I always end up with holes in my jeans worn right through on the thighs. I have to buy new pants every year all the time. In contrast, my shirts last forever. Crazy, huh? Oh well. I have used corn starch instead of baby powder and it works great also. It absorbs sweat, and I sweat a great deal!! Once I failed to protect my thighs, I wore a skirt and went walking. My thighs rubbed together and they actually bled from the friction. Imagine that!! Oh well, cheers!!!

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Esther November 17, 2014 at 1:51 am

I have been reading your blog for well over a year but have never commented before, even though many times I wanted to.
Can I just say you are an inspiration! I laughed so hard at this post and am so glad to read the light hearted tone you wrote it with! I too struggle with my weight, though to a lesser degree than you have in your life, and you continue to both encourage and inspire me. Give yourself more credit Holly; you deserve it! You are SUCH a beautiful person… Inside and Out!!

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Peggy Burgess November 18, 2014 at 9:14 pm

Imagine my most pleasant surprise, when while searching the internet for a toilet seat for obese people I get lead to your wonderful blog. I am a 64 yo great grandma and I find much inspiration here. You keep writing. 🙂

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Kat November 20, 2014 at 2:20 am

Thank you for your amazing posts. I can definitely relate to this. I am at the point where I am so frustrated waiting to hear anything back regarding the weight loss surgery (for example if I can even have it) so it was nice to find some humor in this post! Thank you for all you do!!

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Dereck Jones November 21, 2014 at 2:02 am

Great post, thanks for sharing the inspiration. I wonder if Kim has ever knocked something over with her behind?
Dereck Jones recently posted..Calgary’s Family Friendly Treasures: Telus SparkMy Profile

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Staci November 27, 2014 at 5:34 am

This was so hilarious. And yet not, I’m sure! But they always say that when you look back on things, they are funny. So NOW this is funny! lol
Staci recently posted..My Humble DecorationsMy Profile

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