Stress, Updates, and Ramblings

August 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

Hey everyone!

I’m trying to update here regularly but it is still hard when every other day is a struggle.  At the moment, I am still dealing with a lot of things related to my move.  I am still trying to get the house in order and waiting for things to arrive such as patio furniture and new curtains.   I still have to hang pictures on the wall and do all the little things that make a house a home.  I’ve pretty much decided that everything will be in order one of these days but I am not going to overwhelm myself.  It will get there when it gets there.  I’m having to take the same approach that I’ve done with weight loss.  There are days that things get accomplished and I feel like we are finally making progress.  Then there are days where I feel as if nothing will ever get finished.  It is a roller coaster for sure.  In the end I just need to remind myself that I have a house and that alone is enough.  I should be grateful.  If everything isn’t perfect then who cares.  It never will be!  I should see it as an ongoing project with no firm end date.  And at the end of the day if it takes me the next year to get it all together then really that isn’t the end of the world.   I guess it’s just that I want to sit down and breathe a big sigh of relief.  Relax in a house that feels like it belongs to me.  And know that everything  is settled.  Keep dreaming…right?

The house in Texas is still a work in progress.  It’s under contract but it’s taking forever to work this claim on the roof.  They have a new policy now where they issue the check to both you and your mortgage company.  So even though I received the first payment on the roof—I had to send it to the mortgage company to be endorsed.  Then they have to send it back to me (still waiting).  All of this has to be done before I can put it in the bank and wait for the check to clear.  And only then can I write an actual check to the roofer.   The problem is that once again this is going to push out the closing date.  And then I have to worry about the delays causing my buyers to change their mind.  After the last buyer dropped out at the last second, I have a new perspective.  Initially I went in with high hopes.  Now that I’ve been burned, I feel like a girl who went through a bad break up and now has her guard up.  Instead of blind trust for the process, I’m skeptical of everyone and everything.  I’m like a jaded woman with selling this house!  I trust no one.  I am always waiting for someone to back out or something not to go the right way.  This isn’t how I want to be.  I hate waiting every day for that phone call that the buyers have backed out yet again.  It would really be devastating to me especially after having gone through all the stress filing a claim and replacing the roof AND having to pay the deductible to do it.   At this point selling my house isn’t something I want to do.  It’s something I NEED to do.  The stress of it is really weighing on me.  And as I’ve said before—too much stress always leads me back to food and falling into depression.  It is something I have to fight against.

Another issue about moving is having to find all the new places.  New doctors, new dentists, new schools.   We have found a new doctor so that is great.  The kids start school on the 14th and we bought all their school supplies.  We meet the teachers next week.  I am looking forward to it and have high hopes things will go well.  I feel bad for Annabelle starting a new school in the 8th grade.  I hope and pray that she meets the right friends and gets involved in things that really make her happy and feel complete.  Once again this is a wait and see game.  I just have to stay positive and hope for the best.

We also have to find a new church.  This has been extremely frustrating.  There are plenty of churches in our area but finding the right one is always tough.  I have 4 people of different ages and stages and I want all of us to feel happy with the choice.  It’s been extremely difficult locating a church that actually has youth activities through the week.  When I was growing up, the youth group was a huge part of my life.  We didn’t just see each other on Sundays.  Our youth group had things through the week as well as trips we would go on.  They were actually my core friend group in high school.  I met Amanda in the youth group and that friendship has continued to play a big role in my life.  I wouldn’t be living across the street from her right now if I hadn’t met her in the youth group.  Yet I have found it very hard to find a youth group like the one I had growing up.

We continue to visit churches and hope we find the right fit but it’s tough.  Last week, we had a good experience.  We went to a church that seemed to have all the qualities we were looking for.  It has a youth group that appears to be similar to the one we went to growing up.   My kids enjoyed it and everyone seemed positive.  Then something threw me for a loop.  Amanda and I both filled out the same visitor card.  She got an email and two follow up phone calls.  I got nothing.  It was weird!  We both filled out the same exact card at the same time on the same day.  We dropped it into the same plate one on top of the other.  Yet she received the full welcome wagon and I got zip.  So this left me wondering….what’s up with that?  The only difference between us is that she is married and I’m divorced.   And I have to admit I have somewhat of a chip on my shoulder at times about that.  I don’t mean to at all.  I never go in expecting people to reject my family just because I’m a single Mom.  But I’m not going to lie.  In my 10 years of attending churches as a single mother, I have experienced more than once actual rejection.  I’ve been told by people that they have no place for me.  I’ve been told that there is no sunday school for single adults and I have to go wait in the lobby during sunday school hour.  I was even told once that I couldn’t lead a group because I had no husband.   The fact that I have had these experiences makes me fully aware that there are some churches in this day and age who still don’t know what to do with single parents or divorced individuals.  Now is this the majority of churches?  Probably not.  But the fact that I have experienced it first hand makes me jaded and always waiting for it.

On the flip side, these experiences  have also made me very understanding and compassionate towards people who don’t attend church and feel skeptical of God due to the treatment they have received in the past.  I feel blessed that I have a long standing history of knowing God personally.  A real ‘between us’ relationship that exists outside of any church.  As a result, when people in the church disappoint me I am able to separate out THEIR actions from God’s actions.  But people that may not have that relationship with God are not necessarily able to do that.  This is what frustrates me about the church today.  So many times it is the Christian church that actually pushes people away from God more than anyone else out there.  And I’m pretty sure God doesn’t appreciate it!

But having said that—-Do I think that they intentionally didn’t follow up with me because of that? NO.  I actually think that it was a fluke.  Maybe I checked off the “do not contact me” box by mistake and she didn’t.  I can’t remember.  I just know that everything about this church seemed really positive.  I finally thought that maybe we had found a place.  And then this happens.  There is no doubt that a lot of this is probably playing out in my head.  I have a natural tendency to get paranoid at times and automatically assume people are thinking things that they may not be thinking.   In fact, this is a cognitive distortion called “Jumping to Conclusions”.  It is where someone assumes they know what another person is thinking.  We just make assumptions even if they aren’t true.  As I’ve said though, I have background history with people in the church not being receptive to single Moms  so I’m not totally off the hinge to wonder about this.  Yet I think that 90% of this issue has more to do with me than anything else.

I also believe that the enemy (yes I believe the enemy exists) does not want me to find a church that is good for my family.  The last thing he wants is for me to find an encouraging church that could be positive for me.  He doesn’t want that at all.  Nor does he want my children in a good environment that would be uplifting to them.  So the fact that I have encountered this issue at the very moment I felt as if I might have found a good place makes me wonder….Is this really a sign that I’m at the wrong church?  OR is this actually a sign that I’m at the right one and the enemy is trying to place thoughts in my head to make me not give them a try.  I do believe that many times when we are on the right track, the enemy will come along and try to throw us off the path.  And there is a good possibility that this could be the case.

In addition to all that, I have an abnormal pap smear and now I have to get a colposcopy (spelling??)  FUN.  Another thing to worry about.

And then there are brownies.   And Rum and Diet Coke.  Two things that would make me  totally  forget all the above issues.  In fact not only forget…but not even care at all!

This is how my life works.  Things happen.  I worry.  Things happen.  I worry some more.  Then I get depressed.  Then I eat.  It’s RIDICULOUS.

So instead of doing anything self destructive, I will simply acknowledge that stressful things are happening.  Many of them I can’t control.  Many of them might be due to my own mindset which is sometimes skewed.  Then I will focus on this:

Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you  (1 Peter 5:7)

And after that, I will LET IT GO

Instead today I will do things I can control.

I will drink my shakes and eat the food that is healthy for me.
I will fill my mind with positive thoughts.
I will exercise.

And I will put one foot in front of the other.

And then do it again tomorrow!!!!

I won’t give up!!!  So don’t YOU give up either!

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Lyn August 6, 2014 at 3:05 pm

I’d definitely go back and fill out another visitor card and quietly see what happens. If you again get no contact, maybe have your friend email back the person who contacted her and flat out ask if they are welcoming to single or divorced mothers. Then you can know for sure and not let the worries and emotions and fear of rejection build up scenarios in your mind that may or may not be true.

I do hope this move gives you and your children much joy, and I think it will. It just takes awhile to settle in, but it looks like a beautiful area and you have support and that is a great start!
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Lori August 6, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Having worked in a church office, I know that weird things happen like your experience all the time. We always did our best to get information to the right people for follow up but being human things didn’t always work out that way.

Personally, I think that this is probably the right church for you and satan is trying to stop you, losing the card, planting seeds of doubt in your head, and just plain lying to you. You are stronger than that. Don’t let him win.
Lori
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Christine August 6, 2014 at 4:12 pm

That is odd that the church did not contact you. I am sure it is a fluke, I would give them another chance and fill out another card. I am sad to hear the bad experiences you have had going to church and being sectioned out as a divorced person. Hang in there, maybe once school starts things will start to settle down and the stress will get better!
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Danna August 6, 2014 at 8:04 pm

Whoa, hold the phone. You have NO idea why you didn’t get a phone call from the church. Perhaps the cards are divided up amongst volunteers or staff so that say everyone calls 5 people and you and Amanda got in different piles. Then perhaps your volunteer got sick, or had a crazy busy week at work, or had a death in the family or whatever? Perhaps they just ran out of time and didn’t get through the stack, perhaps your card got stuck in the box and didn’t get picked up, perhaps it fluttered behind the desk or slid under the seat of someone’s car when they were taking a stack home to make phone calls. You just don’t know. If this church seems to have what you’re looking for, give it another go.

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LosingTheRolls August 6, 2014 at 11:04 pm

You do have a lot going on now, but you can only do one thing at a time. Good luck with everything and I hope the roof situation can be fixed soon, so you can sell the old house. Rooting for you!
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LHA August 7, 2014 at 1:49 am

You have so much going on! No wonder you feel stressed, anxious and depressed. I bet everyone reading this can identify with your emotions, and we have all had times like this. You definitely have the right idea about just taking it one day at a time and do the things you know are good for you. You have had so much success over these past few years that you can look back with pride at the things you have accomplished, all while being a single mom and having to deal with old emotional baggage and new stresses daily. You can do this!

I am not a church-goer so I don’t know what to make of the reception you got from the church. I would tend to give them the benefit of the doubt for all the reasons other commenters have mentioned. If you do find out that they do not welcome divorced or single moms I would run as fast as I could in the opposite direction and find a church where the people act like actual Christians. You don’t need a lot of judgmental busy-bodies bringing negativity into your life!

Good luck with all your struggles. May they all resolve quickly as you settle into your new home.

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Donita August 7, 2014 at 2:41 pm

I feel your pain about trying to get your new home “in order.” We moved into a home we built 1 year ago. We still don’t have all of our curtains hung, or our rooms painted. It is a never ending process but I share your thoughts about just wanting things to be complete and settled. I am starting to learn (in middle age sadly) that having things “finished” is not the answer. Life is about the doing and not the completing. It’s a hard lesson for me.

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Renu Bakshi August 9, 2014 at 6:54 pm

Too many things going on at a time for you. I can appreciate how difficult is to update your blog regularly. And besides that your house renovation in progress and so many other things. It’s really hard and time consuming.

Good luck with everything, and I hope your house renovation gets completed soon……
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