Monday Update: July 21, 2014

July 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

I wanted to give you all an update.  I’m still here but things have definitely been difficult lately.  It is hard for me to blog when things are not positive because I really prefer to be a person that raises people up in spirits instead of bringing them down.  I just keep reminding myself, though, that this blog is supposed to be a place for me to record the ups and downs.   It gives me a way to vent my emotions without eating them.  And lately–I’ve been eating them A LOT.   If I only come here when things are going perfectly then really  I am not using the blog for its original purpose.  Writing for me is one of the primary ways that I express myself.  Usually it is in writing things out that I often come up with solutions.  I have always been that way.  I might start writing in one mood and by the end of the entry I have changed my mindset.  It is not always that way but writing is  for me a way to work through things.  I need to start doing that more often.  It is something I have gotten away from.  So I have decided to make a commitment to blog every day this week.  I have no fancy, catchy titles for my blog posts this week as they will not be on any specific subject.  This week will literally be the ramblings of a crazed woman!  Who knows what will spill forth!

So as you may or may not know–I’ve moved.  With moving/relocating, comes a variety of potential issues.   I read that moving can be a very stressful life event.  Research has even defined the term “Relocation Stress Syndrome” as a condition many people find themselves in after moving.  Symptoms might include anxiety, loneliness, confusion and hopelessness.  Gee that sounds fun…yes??

I’d say relocating from one house to another can be stressful.  But that isn’t what I did. I didn’t simply change houses or neighborhoods.  I picked up my entire family and left Texas.  There is probably an entire syndrome listed just for those that leave Texas but I don’t know the term.  Suffice it to say that Texas is in many ways more than a place to live.  It’s more than a location.  It is a culture and a way of life.  Leaving Texas has been quite a bit more traumatizing than I thought it would be.

But we didn’t just go from one state to another.  We changed things up entirely by going from the city to the country.  That is definitely an adjustment.  My children have grown up in the city having lived there 10 years.  They really don’t know any other way of life.  I have to admit that I am the same way.  I grew up in the city and while I have lived in rural areas when I was married to the military—I am by nature a city girl.  So this has been tough for all of us.   I have to deal with more bugs than I ever had to deal with in Texas.  I have to drive at least 15 miles to get anywhere.  I suppose that was the point though, right?? To get out of the city.  To move to the country?  Peace and quiet!  A serene mountain view!  That is what I asked for.  So why the complaining?

Well here are the issues I’ve had to deal with since I moved—

#1–MONEY

I can’t even begin to tell you the enormous expense of moving.  It has cost me a lot more than I anticipated.  Buying and selling a house is not easy.  Yes, I am proud of myself for doing it on my own as that was something I had never done before. Yet the stress of it has been very real.    The buyers on my house in Texas pulled out of the deal the day before we were set to move.  There was nothing I could do but keep going.  Now instead of one home to maintain I have two.  I had not anticipated paying two mortgages, two power bills, two water bills etc.  Yet here I am.  My home in Texas was older and it was lived in by me, 4 kids and 4 animals.   That’s a really lived in house which makes selling it hard.

I am a single Mom and I do the best I can but when things break–they often stay broken.  I’m not handy.  I’m not good with repairs.  I know how to call a plumber if a plunger won’t work but aside from that I just deal with things.  If a closet door breaks, it gets removed and a curtain thrown up.  If the front of a cabinet drawer falls off, then it stays gone.  I don’t know how to make those small repairs so many things in my house were just broken.  In order to try and sell my house, I had to put money into it.  Even then–it hasn’t been easy.  I finally have another contract on the house but guess what? They want a new roof.   A ROOF!  Even though my house is older and it is in an older neighborhood—people want it as close to perfect as possible in order to buy it.  So here I am pouring money into a house I am trying to leave behind.  I have a feeling by the time I sell it, I will be able to pay off the mortgage but that’s about it.  At this point—I don’t even care.  I just need the stress of maintaining two homes to be done.  There are days I want to cry when I see how much it is costing me financially.

#2–MORE MONEY

So my oldest daughter wanted to stay in Texas and go to college there.  This is my first child to head to college.  I am really proud of her but my goodness–this is an expensive venture.  Not only am I having to maintain my home in Virginia and my unsold home in Texas.  Now I am trying to pay for her to stay in an apartment off campus.  Add in car insurance, phone bills, living expenses, tuition and books.  Even with her working a part time job it is pricey.  I really wish that she had just moved here with us.  She could have lived at home for free and attended college locally.  But then again….what 18 year old wants to do that??  I sure didn’t at that age!  In fact, I recall giving my mother a horrible time at the thought of me having to live at home for college.  So I suppose this is payback!

The other issue I have with her not being here….is that she’s not here!!  I have a unique relationship with my oldest daughter because of my divorce. She was in the 4th grade when her father moved out.  Suddenly we found ourselves staring at each other wondering what we were going to do.  She was in the 4th grade with three younger siblings….a 4 year old, 2 year old and not quite 1 year old.  In many ways, Savannah has practically co-parented these kids with me.  She literally walked beside me all these years.  She has an amazing spirit.  She is helpful, kind and compassionate.  I often wonder how I would have made it through single parenting without her.  The fact that she has helped me is also one of the very reasons why I so desperately want her to have her own life.  It is one of the reasons why I bought her a car that was probably too new and too expensive for her.  I think I often find myself trying to overcompensate in her direction to pay her back for all she has done for me.  The problem is that I miss her.  I am simply just not used to living life without Savannah in it on a daily basis.  She has been a calming force to me.  When I weighed over 400 pounds, she was often my hands and feet.  She helped with the grocery shopping and daily issues that I had to deal with  being a very obese person.  Still to this day, she likes to hold my hand when I am going up or down stairs because she just simply grew up with me not being able to physically handle that well.  There was always fear that I would fall.  Fear that I would have a heart attack.  So even now she will hang on to me and constantly check to make sure I can breathe or that I am ok.  I think it was hard for her as well to cut the cord and stay behind.  We talk every day but it is still really difficult.  Honestly I think that just having Savannah move out would have been stressful enough for me without adding in a cross country move and everything else.

I flew in to see her last weekend after having been gone for a month.  I did it partly to see her and partly to check on my house there.  I flew in unexpectedly and when she found out I was coming she did not sound happy.  As soon as I saw her car—I knew why.  The entire passenger side was scraped up and dented.  Apparently she was driving down the road when someone pulled out in front of her.  She had to swerve to avoid them and she said she hit a rock.  Looks like she sideswiped a boulder.  And naturally, I wasn’t happy.  It is not a very old car and we all know that car insurance for an 18 year old is HIGH.  I can’t claim that on my insurance unless I want it to sky rocket and while it is just superficial damage it will still cost me at least 2000 dollars to repair.  I guess to me it is just one more thing to drain the bank account.  I just didn’t need that right now. On the flip side, she is safe.  And that is all that matters.  I need to remember that.

#3–FURNITURE

So this could also go under the money category but I was getting sick of that one.  Furnishing the house hasn’t been cheap.  I had this bright idea to purge everything and start over.  I still think it was a good idea but I can also tell you it will take some time for this house to feel like a home.  I can’t go out and buy everything in one fell swoop.  Decorating your home like you want it takes time.  So in many ways I still feel like I’m living in someone else’s house.  The walls are still blank for the most part.  Things aren’t set up yet.  And it makes me feel like I am not at home just yet.  But the bigger issue is that the living room furniture I bought well over a month ago is still not here.  Apparently I am playing phone tag with the warehouse and for whatever reason I can never get the person I need to just arrange delivery.  It has been now over a month that the floor has been our only couch and that is getting OLD.   Once again–why am I complaining? There are people who have no home and no furniture.  So I need to just wake up and be grateful for whatever I have.

#4–CHILDREN

So when you move, you have to reregister the children for school.  This involves a lot.  In a short time, I’ve had to find a  dentist and doctor that takes our insurance (not super easy living out here away from the base).  I can’t say it was that hard but it did take some hunting around.  I had to get all their physicals, shot records and fill out a mountain of paperwork to get them enrolled.  This is the sort of thing that shouldn’t be a big deal unless you’re me.  I may have discussed on here that I have issues with procrastination and also just seeing how to get things done.   I have the brain of someone who doesn’t see puzzles and things like that clearly.  I look at a laundry pile and never know where to start.  I literally see a To-Do list and want to cry when I wonder how to get it all done.  I’ve always been that way.  I get overwhelmed easily.  And when I get overwhelmed–I EAT.

Filling out 30 or more pages of paperwork on all my kids has been very overwhelming.  But on top of that, my second oldest daughter is going to be in middle school.  So let me recap—I moved a 13 year old from the city to the country. I made her leave all the friends she has ever known.  I am making her start a middle school where she knows no one.  And one she has to ride a bus about 30 minutes just to get to because we live in the country.  It would be the understatement of the year to say this child is beyond unhappy with me.  She is not adjusting well.  While we have great neighbors—we aren’t living around a lot of kids in her age group.  Until school starts, she won’t have an opportunity to even see who is out there that could become a potential friend.  Add to it that this is my child who is a lot like me when it comes to depression, anxiety and things of that nature.   Savannah was my child of a very even temper.  She is calm by nature and I thank God every day that she was the one born first in the midst of my divorce when I really needed someone like that.  Yet at the same time, I am spoiled.  Savannah always viewed life as a team effort.  She saw it as “me and her together”.   When things weren’t going our way, we didn’t turn on each other.    We were partners.  We plowed through life with each other.  Annabelle isn’t that way.  She is a more typical teenager.  If things aren’t going her way—it’s my fault.    And things right now….are not going her way.

It’s hard for me to see how unhappy she is.  I can’t help but blame myself.  I feel guilty 24 hours a day that I did this to her and she’s so desperately sad about it.  It just kills me.  I tried very hard to do the right thing.  As I mentioned in my other blogs, I fell into a bad lifestyle of my own in Texas.  After I lost so much weight, I started going a little crazy.   Admittedly, I had somewhat of a mid life crisis after weight loss and started going out a lot.  I was drinking and dating men half my age.  It was RIDICULOUS.  Annabelle was SUPER unhappy with that.  She often would tell me to my face that it was not ok.  And she was right.  I actually started thinking about moving here because of what SHE said to me.  I had tried to get myself to go back to being a homebody but it wasn’t working.  It was just too easy to hit up the bar at happy hour.  After all—it’s 5 o’clock somewhere, right?!!  And I had fallen into that life.    When I stopped using food for comfort, I found alcohol to be just as useful.  That led to horrible decisions though.   So what now?? I know!  I’ll move to the country!  Dry land. No bars.  No fast food for 15 miles.  I will remove from myself all opportunities to easily access my vices.

End result?? We both are miserable!  She tells me on a daily basis how much she hates it here.  And I miss the food and the bar. RIDICULOUS!

As a Christian, I know that God is the source of my comfort.  Anything that stands in the way of me seeking HIM first is something I need out of my life.  It was just too easy for me before to always seek out alternate forms of comfort.  Now I’ve put myself in a situation where all I have is God.  There is no bar to cry to.  There is no easily accessible McDonald’s.  So what now?  In scripture we are told to cut out of our life anything that stands in the way of our relationship with God (Matthew 5:30) so that is what I did.  Instead of trying to keep my life the way it was, I was willing to lose it.  I was willing to give it all up to get away from the things that were dragging me down and to give my children a better life.

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.  (Matthew 16:25)

As hard as it was for me to do this, this is what I did.  I enjoyed my life in San Antonio but I also believed that for me I had fallen into unhealthy  patterns.  The weight loss and forsaking food led me to alcohol.  Both of these things were too easily accessible to me there.   They were taking me further away from God and further away from the mother I wanted to be.  So I stepped out in faith and gave that life up.  I was willing to lose that life to find my way back to the plan God has for me.

But as a result of me doing that, I have suffered in many ways.   It has cost me financially.  I have lost living in the same area as my oldest daughter who I am very close to.  I have made Annabelle miserable.  And I have caused myself to have to start completely over in a new area.  That means I have to meet new people (and for me that is tough).  I have to find a new church.  New doctors.  New everything.  I often wonder if I made the right choice.  Another really hard thing is that many of our friends do not support the decision.  Annabelle has struggled with the fact that certain people in her life constantly tell her that she will be miserable living here.  She might be having a good positive day but all it takes is one phone call from a friend back in Texas to spiral her downwards into depression after hearing how miserable her life will be.  These are people that mean well. They just don’t understand why I did what I did.  Heck….I don’t either half the time.  But we are HERE NOW.  And constantly hearing what a horrible decision it was does NOT help.

I must add that I live across the street from my best friend, Amanda.  And that is a dream come true.  I just haven’t been able to fully enjoy that yet because at the moment my life is so caught up with the numerous stresses of daily life that go along with the move.  I keep thinking….if things could ever settle down….then maybe I would know what normal is here.  But right now…nothing is normal.   My house in Texas still hasn’t sold.  I don’t have furniture.  My kids aren’t in school.  Everything is so up in the air.  And I have to use a GPS every time I leave my house just to find my way back.

Right now…nothing is normal.   I feel bad because I always imagined how our life would be if Amanda and I lived by each other. I’d grab my coffee in the morning and head over there to start our daily adventures.  We would be like Lucy and Ethel!!

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That was my plan.

Only right now I’m not that version of Lucy.  I’m the other Lucy.  You know…the crazy one!  The one who comes unraveled and loses her mind.

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So I feel bad for Amanda and hopefully she doesn’t take it personally.  It’s just that right now my emotions are about as stable as the weather out here in Virginia.  Oh did I mention it RAINS a lot, here??? And I mean A LOT.  That is another thing that has taken some getting used to.  I have always been someone whose moods are very tied to the weather so the constant raining is not helping.  But I will adjust.  At least I can keep grass alive now!

So that’s where I’m at.  I cry almost every day.  I live in fear and anxiety over my house not selling, bills that have to be paid, and my children adjusting.  I don’t want her to think that I’m not happy to be here.  It’s just hard for me right now adjusting and I need the dust to settle so we can feel normal again.   One of my biggest issues right now is that I do struggle with depression.  Even in the best of times, I can fall into a depression for no reason at all.  I fight hard at various times in life to not have a spirit of depression take over.  All I can say is that with all the stress I am under right now–it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to keep the spirit of depression at bay.  I actually fear that I will fall into a deep depression which will not only increase my food issues but it will make it difficult for me to do the things I need to do.

So that’s my life…..

I feel like I just threw up on this page.  Like I just opened my mouth and spewed out a million different thoughts.  They probably look disconnected and like I said before….the ramblings of a crazy lady.  But that is my life at the moment.  And that’s what I have to deal with.

So far I have gained back another 10 pounds.  I am currently 50 pounds heavier again than the lowest weight I was able to reach.  THAT is scary.  I don’t want to gain back my weight.  But there are times in my life where food seems to be the only thing that can calm me down.  The problem is that I had weight loss surgery so if I overeat I become extremely uncomfortable.  Then I live in a constant state of acid reflux.   Just add more misery to the pile.

Some days I get up and think I’m going crazy. Some nights I wake up very suddenly gripped in terror at the thought of whether I made the right move.  Then I wake up in the morning, grab my coffee and walk outside to this gorgeous view.

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I am reminded that in the midst of all this turmoil…..God is there.  He created the beauty that surrounds me and He brought me to this place.  I cannot deny that I prayed fervently over this decision.  Anyone that knows me knows I am NOT spontaneous.  I never do anything without overthinking it.  So what would make me do something this crazy? I truly believed that God was leading me here.  And if it was His plan, then I have to trust it.  Even when it seems like nothing is going my way.

On a good note, I want to add that my youngest two LOVE it here.  They are 10 and 11.  They literally think I air dropped us into heaven.  They are outside playing every day.  The neighborhood is beautiful and safe.  The neighbors are wonderful.  They have plenty of land to run around and enjoy.   They absolutely love Amanda and her family.  They get up in the morning and can’t wait to head across the street to see her and the kids.  My youngest two tell me daily how happy they are and even thank me repeatedly.  I thank God every day for that.  I need to hear it and know that I made the right decision where they are concerned.

My plan for this week is the following:

1. Blog daily in pure honesty.  Sorry if that means you get wacky ramblings half the time.

2. Track my food so I at least acknowledge what I am eating.  I still may not eat perfectly but at least I won’t lie to myself about it anymore.

3.  Start my Leslie Sansone walking dvd’s again.  This is my go-to workout whenever I fall out of a routine. Still to this day it is the only form of exercise that I have ever enjoyed and found myself willing to do even on my worst days.

4. Get up every morning and read the Bible/pray.  I sometimes fall out of this and there is no other way I can build up my faith right now without that.

So there ya go.  That’s me at the moment.  Hope I didn’t bore you or depress you!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

Christy July 21, 2014 at 3:24 pm

I attend a weekly weight loss support group, and one of the jokes shared that helps me is this: We should take comfort in our 100% success rate for surviving our toughest times. You’ve done it before, and you’ll do it this time too. Thanks for blogging through it.
Christy recently posted..Week 29 Weigh-In: No Longer ObeseMy Profile

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Jessica July 21, 2014 at 4:37 pm

Holly – I’m so sorry it’s been a rough transition for you and your family! Not that it matters one little bit, but I really admire you for taking the risk and removing yourself from what sounds like a self-destructive environment. Change is hard for all of us, but you have shown repeatedly that while it may not be easy, you have been able to navigate changes that are life altering. And you’ll do it again with this move! Try not to get too overwhelmed, and know that you have many out in virtual-land who support you – and I’ll read everything you write, from the venting posts to the incredibly insightful things you have to say about this scary/exhilarating journey we call life! Hang in there!

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Margaret July 21, 2014 at 4:41 pm

You got this Holly! God is doing a new thing in your, He’s refining you in the fire, you will emerge as PURE GOLD!!! He wants nothing less for your children. Annabelle will be OK, not dismissing her feelings but with 13 year olds, when things don’t go their way it’s the end of the world. Maybe you have her visit the library or find a small youth group to join and make friends. Once school starts I’m sure she will be fine! I’ll be praying for you guys!!

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Sheil July 21, 2014 at 4:49 pm

Wow Holly, I made it through your entire post. WOW! That is a LOT to deal with and I totally understand your tears! I would be crying too! My oldest daughter is a lot like yours and my younger daughter is much like your 13 year old. Sigh. Two completely opposite personalities. That is a LOT of stress and i’m so sorry you are overwhelmed right now. Take one day at a time. Chunk things into smaller bits…like today will be “organize my paperwork day” and tomorrow will be “unpack 2 boxes day” etc. One thing that helps me when I’m overwhelmed and stressed is to call it my new “normal”…a few years ago my husband had to travel each week for work. I had a 2nd and 3rd grader at home (they are now 12 and 13) and they would call Daddy crying every night about how much they missed him. I well-meaning friends say things like “oh I just could NOT deal with my husband being gone week after week…how EVER do you MANAGE???” And I finally started to tell people that our “normal” may not be their “normal” and that it was new for all of us and that we pulled ourselves up and managed to deal as gracefully as possible. So “this” right now, is your “new normal” and someday when the boxes are all unpacked and the pictures are hanging on the wall and the house in Texas has sold and the crunch of everything that is weighing you down right now has faded, you will look back and say “how did we ever manage?” It probably won’t be tomorrow or next week but slowly things will start to settle in and just know that you are doing the best you can right now. One step, one day and yes even one forkful at a time. Hugs Holly!

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a July 21, 2014 at 4:49 pm

HAHA, forgot the “a” at the end of my name! 🙂

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Pam Holmes July 21, 2014 at 5:15 pm

I would not have had the courage to do what you did, even if my husband was with me! I applaud your honesty and hope you can find happiness and some order in the new life you have chosen for yourself and your kids. Anabelle will find new friends, but it might be tough for a while. My thoughts and prayers are with you, as are God’s!
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Melanie July 21, 2014 at 5:46 pm

Holly- you have done so many amazing things & this will just be one more thing that you look back on later but I am sure that the stress is driving you batty, I just can’t even imagine.

I shut down my blog in April after separating from my husband and the past few months have been full of some serious adjustments, my food plan & gym plan took a header and though I didn’t gain any weight- I haven’t really lost any either and I am starting to feel horrible about it. Started back on MFP tracking my food & activity & got myself back to the gym last week.

I am hoping to get my blog back up & running soon- just haven’t felt like it since the separation.

I will be keeping you in my prayers.

<3

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Alison C. July 21, 2014 at 5:52 pm

Holly – THANK YOU so much for writing this post! It is sad and my heart aches for you. But guess what? WE ALL FEEL LIKE THIS SOMETIMES!! Yes – ALL OF US! The thing you wrote that stands out to me is “I stepped out in faith…” Yes you did. And after prayer and careful consideration. You made the right decision – you just need to stay in faith that everything will work out. Five years from now, some of these things (late delivery of the furniture, daughter’s wrecked car) won’t even matter one bit. But I know it’s tough to see that from where you are right now. Also – I know you miss your friends in TX, but remember you have blog friends all over the country! I live in Pittsburgh, PA, and I’m happy that you’re closer to me! That’s kind of funny because it’s not like we’ll ever actually meet up or anything, but maybe you can feel my love for your better because you’re physically closer now! 🙂 Please be gentle with yourself and love yourself, remember you have so much support, and that it’s normal to feel your emotions! And you can be sad and lonely and frustrated and upset….and you don’t have to eat or drink over it. Just feel all the love from your blog readers and you’ll get through. Wishing you the very best!

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Melissa July 21, 2014 at 6:36 pm

My parents moved us right before high school (an then to another town after my Freshman year) to another state where the culture was 100% different than what I was used too. when you’re in your teens like that your world is your friend network and anything unfamiliar is “world ending.” I learned early on that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and i am forever thankful to my parents. Now days there are so many ways of communitcation and ways of keeping in touch that it seems to shorten the physical distance. Change is never fun but it tests our true strength and Faith.
I look forward to the posts this week. Even when we’re struggling it helps to know that there may be someone out there that is going through the same thing and you’ve got a support system!
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tb July 21, 2014 at 6:36 pm

Dear Holly, First off don’t apologize for long daily blogs, or for any blog at any time. I miss your blogs when they don’t appear and I am constantly checking for new ones. I like to read your posts very much!!!! Also, may I suggest chick pea hummus as a healthy and filling snack? Also blackstrap molasses (be careful to get the unsulphured, blackstrap variety) seems to reduce cravings for me. I also eat Medjool dates (very large and naturally sweet dates), avocados, and lots of nuts and beans. These foods seem to help fill me up a lot. I also am a bit heavy and I like sugar way too much also. Also, please don’t feel too bad for Annabelle. I know exactly how she feels, at the moment. I was a teenager living in the country, away from the city lights and my friends, and for a time, I hated it. After a bit of time, I ended up loving the country, and I now just detest city life. This happened to other country-living teens I knew as well. Eventually, they grow to love the beautiful countryside. I have heard of this happening many times over. I am certain that Annabelle will appreciate the country greatly in time. I feel sure of it. You are very conscientious and you care deeply about your kids’ happiness. Please don’t feel bad. You are doing your best to be a wonderful mom. I once hated the country where my mom moved us to, and now I adore the countryside more than anything. We had a dog, and she loved it too. Now I am stuck in the city because of my job, and I dream of a day when I can be self-employed and return to my beautiful rugged landscapes.

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Faith July 21, 2014 at 7:19 pm

I was so glad to see a post from you in my feed, Holly. Your blog is probably my most “go to” blog I read because you are one of my favorite people even though we have never met. 🙂
I would be stressing out big time as well over the finances, but here’s where you get major XP points….you took a huge leap of faith and did something so out of your comfort zone that whatever life is going to throw at you…”YOU GOT THIS!”
I think that you should put a reminder in your phone to read this very blog entry a year from now and see how drastically your life will have changed. If I were a betting girl, I’d bet bucket loads of money that things will have changed so much, you will barely recognize your life (for the better).
As far as your new teen goes, give her some time. She will adjust because 1. kids are resilient and often mimic how we react to situations 2. she’s a teen lol need I say more? I have a 13 yr old and I didn’t know this but the world literally does revolve around her! 😮 who knew lol just kidding but seriously, they really do think that.
Maybe, there will be some after school clubs that she can get involved in? My daughter absolutely loves theater and musicals. So, when school starts up, she enrolls in both of those programs and they keep her very busy during the school year. She has a whole set of friends just from those 2 clubs alone and it has been a godsend.
Last but not least…and this may seem silly but I wanted to tell you something about the rain. My moods and depression are definitely weather related as well but I’m kind of opposite of most people. Hot and sunny days are no bueno for me lol I could live in gloomy, rainy weather all year round. Maybe when it rains…stop and listen to the sound. It is probably the most soothing sound that nature can give us. Instead of letting it sadden you, let it calm you and center you. Take in the lush greens of the hills around you, the open space. Revel in the beauty and let it reflect back on you.
You are a beautiful woman, Holly and you will get through this. I promise. Much love and hugs.

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Tori July 21, 2014 at 8:19 pm

The only thing useful I can say is that I’ll say a extra special prayer for you and the family tonight to get some sort of relief (TX house sells, new friend for annabelle, the oldest decides to move to VA)…Oh and “If God brings you to it he will bring you thru it.”

I mean absolutely NO DISRESPECT when I say this next line (and you probably already know this) but it’s irrelevant if anyone agrees with your move and whether or not it was the “right” decision. What done is done. Surely you are doing the absolute best you can; and soon things will calm down so that “overwhelming I’m drowning feeling” will lift. One day at a time they say.

hugs to you and the family…a lot of us out here are rooting (and praying) for you!
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Cathy July 21, 2014 at 10:10 pm

Hello Holly! I really appreciate you sharing your life and heart! I live in Ohio. My best friend lives in San Antonio…and my son and his wife lived in Lynchburg for 6 years. So we have a little in common. I am about 140lbs over weight and can’t seem to get it off. I won’t give up though. Your oldest daughter sounds like my 2 wonderful daughters that I count on to always be thee for me. I also have a son that is military, and a great guy! When my son and oldest daughter graduated HS they both moved out and moved out of state. WOW, I was also very depressed! My greatest purpose for living had left me. But you know, they eventually come back and it is really wonderful. Different, but wonderful because now they are one their own, and very responsible adults~ I pray that you find your place in the LORD, and like a young woman said last night at church….When she heard an audible voice behind her say, “See yourself as God sees you!”. She turned around to see who said it, and no one was there~ So the LORD must have sent an angel to encourage her~ Holly, See yourself as God sees you, and then know that whatever decisions you made, God allowed you to make those decisions and you can trust HE has the best in mind for you! Money issues will ALWAYS be here for all of us~ Look to all the blessings you have. That VIEW is gorgeous!!! hugs~
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Cathy July 21, 2014 at 10:10 pm

I would love to be your friend~ You can email me anytime you want~ hugs~
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Tess July 21, 2014 at 10:46 pm

What a great post. So honest and heart-felt, I could feel your tears, dear. Hugs to you during this tough time. But remember, this too shall pass. You have so many things on your plate right now! Have you found a church yet? If so, does Annabelle like it? Is there something at church she could be involved in? She will adjust, don’t worry, she’ll find her nitch. As for Savannah, she’ll be a-ok. She has a good head on her shoulders! Hugs to you, dear friend!!! <3

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Jennifer July 22, 2014 at 12:44 am

Hi! Hang in there! Have you ever tried a 12 step program ? Very helpful for many

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LHA July 22, 2014 at 1:59 am

What a heart felt post! You are brave whether you know it or not. You were brave to try to make a better life for yourself and move across the country. You were brave to recognize that you had some issues in TX that you might be able to leave behind and make a fresh start. You are brave to write the post telling everyone how difficult this has been for you.

A lot of the things you are going through are tough for many people, but you are facing them all at once. Moving is a significantly stressful life change. Having a child leave for college is HARD. I once heard someone say having her daughter leave was similar to the feeling she would have if someone cut off one of her arms! Having a 13 year old is hard, and being a single mom is hard.

One day at a time, one thing at a time. Do what you can each day and try not to worry about the rest. Easier said than done I know but you have many people pulling for you. Wishing you all the best on this journey. One step at a time you will solve all these problems. Thank you for an honest and meaningful blog.

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PaulaMP July 22, 2014 at 4:08 am

I have found that whenever I move to another state I don’t feel “myself” for the first year. It really does take awhile to get all settled in, like you said, finding doctors, stores you like, the whole 9 yards. I predict your daughter will find a friend soon, or at least when school starts, and then she will cheer up from that. At least you do have a good friend right there to help you. You’ll be ok, you are a very strong person.

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Renu Bakshi July 22, 2014 at 8:17 am

Holly – It happens with me also sometimes, but then I tighten my belt and go out to set my mood right. I wish you best of luck so that you get back into your positive mode and soon you will find things start moving in the right direction. Keep on doing your best and lot of hugs!!!
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robin July 22, 2014 at 11:58 am

Oh sister I feared this move was impulsive. Leaving your oldest, good luck with that. I sent my 18 year old off , alone, because she begged us, big mistake. Ill never do that again. It lasted 1 year. Sorry to sound like a downer but sometimes we gotta look back and say bad call. Ive learned from my mistakes and with my 2nd who is 8 years younger things are a little different. You want to go to school well youre going local that’s life kid. We do not have the ability to send you off to school and become 80 grand in debt. I think we live in a world where we gotta have what we want NOW! Life is hard hard work and that’s just the way it is. Good luck to you all hope it works out …

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Steelers6 July 22, 2014 at 1:18 pm

Hey dear, thanks for sharing this-there is a lot of love & support in the comments here.
I’m sure Annabelle misses her big Sissy as you all do. That is quite an adjustment in itself. My dd will be headed to University in a few short weeks as well.
I liked that someone said “a day at a time”. Yes, an hour at a time right now for you. I’ll bet even your walking DVDs will help you feel a smidge better.
Have you taken A to the pool? The comment about the church group of kids was a good thought.
I’ll be praying for you.
Chrissy

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Emily July 22, 2014 at 1:25 pm

Moving is very stressful, especially when you’re single and have a family. No matter how well you plan ahead or how well it will all work out in the end, moving and transitioning to a completely new environment is hard. I think the best thing you can do is simply acknowledge that it’s hard and stressful, and give yourself permission to live one day at a time for now. It may not seem to get better immediately, but pretty soon you’ll look back and see that it’s all going the right direction. Baby steps.

One way to ease the burden is to simplify. Do what HAS to be done, and discard the rest. Get your kids signed up for school, find new doctors, but don’t stress if the bathroom doesn’t get cleaned today. Delay the repair on your daughter’s car, and if she doesn’t want to live at home for college, let her take out a few loans for the privilege of being “on her own”. You don’t need to finance everything yourself.

Be supportive of Annabelle as she deals with the loss of her friends and life in Texas, as I’m sure you are, but don’t let her wallow in it. It’s one thing to mourn the loss, but another to let it hinder her progress. You’re obviously a loving, caring mother and you feel deeply when your children are unhappy. Giving her purpose and ownership in the new life you have established in Virginia may help in the short run. Can she help you pick out the new furniture? Maybe let her plan some day trips for the family (or just you and her) to see the sights in your new area? Arrange a tour of her new school? Let her paint her new room whatever color she wants?

I wish you all the best. You’ll get through this and be stronger for it, but it will take time. Hang in there!

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Karen July 22, 2014 at 4:31 pm

Hi Hollie, I am praying for you for the favor and peace of God in every circumstance that you are going through. Know that our heavenly Father will never leave you nor forsake you.. Keep trusting him and continue to lean and rely on him..

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Anneli July 22, 2014 at 5:50 pm

I’m reminded that when God takes people to a promised land, it’s often through a desert first. No one who tries as hard to follow Him as you do is going to fail. You are so loved.

Hang in there!
Anneli
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Taryl July 22, 2014 at 8:37 pm

Even the very best moves are stressful, and this hasn’t been ideal for you. Big hugs and lots of sympathy!
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Nicola July 23, 2014 at 12:07 am

You made this move for a reason, Holly. You trusted in God’s plan and it led you to where you are now. Even in your darkest hour, God was there for you. Even in the deepest of depressions, there was a tiny light. Focus on that. Keep talking to us, we are here to listen and you’re not boring or depressing us. You don’t have to apologise for feeling what you feel, you just have to work through it the best way you know how. Things WILL get better. Life will settle. Your house in Texas will sell. You are going to be okay. Annabelle is going to be okay. Just breathe. Take a moment. Enjoy your beautiful view. Absorb the positive energy of your two youngest kids. You have done the right thing. It doesn’t mean that it’s the easy thing. As you say yourself, never lose hope. Everything is going to be fine, just give it some time. You can do this.

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16blessingsmom July 23, 2014 at 1:09 am

Holly, the view is beautiful. We live in rural upstate New York, and I love walking the hilly roads. Your daughter will adapt, don’t doubt yourself. What’s done is done, and it will work out fine. I think it’s encouraging to read the REAL posts, we all have our struggles, and you are such a help. I am totally impressed that you made this move, and I am praying for you:) Keep blogging, please!

Della

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Kristen July 23, 2014 at 1:27 am

You’ve always been one of my favorite bloggers to read and I like that you share your struggles along with your triumphs. You’re a strong woman and I know things will settle down in a way that they’re supposed to. Being 13 is hard and I think that once your daughter starts school and makes new friends that things will go uphill for her. And by the way, Virginia is a GREAT place to live! I’m not sure whereabouts you are but I live in Charlottesville. I think you will all grow to love it. Thanks for your honesty.

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Cindy Hanson July 23, 2014 at 5:13 am

Hi Holly,
When I moved my 15 year old son away from his friends, he was
SO ANGRY with me! He stomped around and growled and was generally horrible, and I felt so guilty. I knew that he was the person in the family suffering the most. I tried to have special times with him, etc., and while that was a little helpful, his anger sometimes wrecked those times. Things let up when I told him point blank that I knew he was the one who was sacrificing the most. I also told him that if he admitted it to himself, while it wasn’t easy, it was probably the MOST IMPORTANT time of his life–not most enjoyable, but most important. He couldn’t respond because he knew I was right. It took at least a year for him to forgive me completely, but he did, and now as an adult, he hardly remembers being so upset about the move.
Just my anecdote…but maybe it will give you a little comfort. Blessings!

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Living 400lbs July 23, 2014 at 7:23 am

Sorry you’re having a hard time. Think of it this way – all that getting up off the floor is good exercise, right?
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Colleen July 23, 2014 at 7:31 pm

Dear, sweet Holly, I am praying for you right now, girl! The Lord did not promise this life would be easy but I know some days you just want to cry out, “Abba, Father, please, please, please, I can’t take anymore!” Then I remember even Jesus cried out a similar plea to His Father. Jesus does understand it all and He will get you through, I know He will. You have followed His Word and the blessings are coming in His time frame. In the meantime hang in there and I promise I will pray for you!

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Meg July 25, 2014 at 1:58 am

Kudos to you for doing what you thought was the best thing for you and your family! I applaud you so much. My parents moved us when I was 13 and I was devastated and said to my dad daily how unhappy I was with him. He never forgot how badly he felt :(, but it was a GREAT thing for our family. Looking back so many wonderful things came out of that. Hang in there. Trust God and lean on Him.

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Kimberly July 27, 2014 at 5:02 pm

Holly,

You are a really strong and amazing woman. One thing I see in your posts is that you really like to beat yourself up, a lot. It’s okay not to be perfect. Change takes times too. As a counselor, I can tell you with all honesty that being hard on yourself and worrying don’t change the situation. They just make you more miserable. I learned to stop doing these things by forcing myself to think about all that I was thankful for every time I’d start worrying or beating myself up. God doesn’t want that kind of worry and guilt for us. Plus, those stress hormones aren’t a friend to our weight. I wish you well. You have come so far. You deserve better than beating yourself up for everything. You are a smart, compassionate, hard working woman.

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Lori July 28, 2014 at 2:50 pm

I moved across the country 2 years ago with a 14-year-old and 11-year-old. And we ended up with 2 houses for almost a year (not to scare you!) The move was for a good reason — my husband got a great job — we love our new home and we absolutely knew it was God’s will for us, but that doesn’t mean it has been easy. I think you’re in that kind of situation — you know it’s God’s will, but it’s not easy. Try to remember that you prayed about the move beforehand and you set up conditions for moving that were all met — that’s how you knew you should go. And if this is God’s will for your family, it will turn out to be best for the children in the end too. Hang in there, it will get better. And you know what? If it doesn’t work out where you are, you can move back to Texas or wherever God shows you is your next place.

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