Failing Faith, Regrets, and….a new start?

May 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

It takes faith to believe that things can change

It takes enormous, persistent, and unwavering faith to hold onto a dream that has not yet materialized

Because we tend to believe what we see

Basing our confidence on what we know to be true

And this is what I knew….

 

Day after day

Year after year

Hunger held me captive

And, like a prisoner, I prayed for my release

I held out hope that I could get some reprieve

But that hope seemed pointless

Because every year it seemed to only get worse

Gaining weight even more rapidly than I had before

It was a progressive issue….my hunger never satisfied

My stomach ruling me with an iron fist and no mercy

How would I ever escape?

 

I was not alone

For there are millions of us  out there living this way

And yet somehow we hold onto the hope that things  can change

If we didn’t believe that

The diet industry would not be one of the #1 businesses out there

Making billions of dollars each year

As we try ‘one more time‘ to make it work

 

I think the inner strength of those struggling with their weight

Is unparalleled

Some people have no idea what it takes to live with obesity

Fighting to curb the beast  within that drives us to food

While continuing to hold onto the hope that one day things will get better

To live between two worlds

Success and Failure intermixed

Is a hard dynamic to face daily

And yet we do it again and again

While still trying to function in our everyday lives

 

I found my lowest point of all to be at the pinnacle of my success

Once I had finally lost 200 pounds

It’s  a perfect irony

Just when I thought I could see the finish line

I fell into the deepest pit of all

My weight loss had slowed down considerably

Which can happen after a major loss

But my enthusiasm and motivation  waned

Where I once was fired up about working out and eating right

Suddenly I felt exhausted with the whole situation

Tired of always doing “the right thing

And eager to jump into the world and just live FREE for once!!

 

I wanted to walk around in a normal body eating and drinking whatever I wanted

Like “the OTHERS”

You know them

The people who get to be ‘normal’

The people who don’t have to worry

The ones who walk around at a normal weight drinking milkshakes and eating Doritos

Without ever gaining a pound

 

Who are these people, really?

And do they even exist?

Or do I just imagine they do in my mind?

Out of some envy that I have for those who don’t have to constantly think about food

About what they can and can’t eat

About whether this will be the week they lose or gain

So I grew tired of it

And I almost threw in the towel

 

You don’t achieve happiness because you lose weight

It does improve your life considerably

But it won’t necessarily make you happy

You’ll learn that you don’t beat it

This struggle with the food

You don’t wake up no longer needing to plan your meals

Or plan your workouts

You may be smaller but it takes work

And maybe some part of me resented that on some level

Like a toddler throwing a tantrum

Because they want what THEY want

Instead of being willing to play by the rules

 

And then there was this new found freedom

Where I was once trapped in my body

Unable to travel

Breaking chairs

Struggling to walk

Now I was free

I could go wherever I wanted to go

Do whatever I wanted to do

And now the question became

Did I stay away from certain temptations in the past few decades

Because of my beliefs?

Or did I only avoid those temptations because I was trapped in a prison?

Because those temptations  were not available to me before?

If we are loyal to something because we CHOOSE to be

That’s one thing

But if we are only loyal because we don’t have the opportunity to stray

Then that’s not true loyalty at all

 

I discovered something about myself

I wasn’t as loyal as I thought to the One who set me free

When temptations came my way

I often took advantage of the opportunity

Citing “I deserve it” as my excuse

For all the years I was trapped

 

Deep within, I held too many feelings that I had not dealt with

Feelings of being sheltered too long

Ignored and dismissed

My weight shielding me from the world

And now shaking it off I wanted to throw caution to the wind

And live my life FOR ME!!!

 

That sounds selfish because it was

And that’s what I became in many ways

Selfish

I had spent my entire life doing for others

Because that’s often the role we fall into when we are big

Trying so hard to make others believe we are worthy

Because the world says we aren’t good enough based on our weight

I wanted to make up for lost time

And I did a lot of things I now regret

I bought too many clothes!

I drank too many margaritas!

And I dated more in the past year than I did in the previous nine

I wanted to live my life for me

ME! ME! ME!

Let’s make up for lost time

I deserve it…right??

I wanted to be paid back for all those years I was trapped in my body

And I went after that goal like it was my only one!!

 

But as I fell more into Margaritaville

Into this new world of freedom

I was talking less and less to God

And we were drifting apart

Not because He was the one moving

But because I no longer made the time

So focused on myself

So settled on the idea that I deserved to do what I wanted

Because I had done my time

Paid my dues

I deserved a break

At least that’s what I thought

Forgetting WHO had released me in the first place from that prison

Taking all the credit for myself

So it was me who pulled away

As I fell deeper into the rabbit hole

 

It’s a slow fade

At first you don’t see it

You think you can live in both worlds

Following Him

But indulging yourself

It’s a dangerous game

It’s playing with fire

 

I’m always seeking happiness in some THING

Or some PERSON

It was brownies and ice cream for most of my life

And when that was taken away

I swore I would not turn to anything else destructive

But it seems I had a chip on my shoulder

And some vendetta to pursue

A vendetta to regain the years I lost

Except the one that I hurt was myself

 

We’ll never find happiness in a brownie

In a man

At the bottom of a margarita

We won’t even find it in that pair of pants we can finally fit into

If that’s the only thing we have to go on

So I lost hope

I lost motivation

But what I did NOT lose was weight

In fact it started coming back on

The faith that had helped me gain my freedom

Was being replaced by a reliance on myself

Thinking I could do all this on my own

I can’t

 

I no longer believed I could achieve my ultimate goal

Of 300 Pounds Down

I found myself ensnared once again to a different kind of prison

One where I was even more unhappy than I had been at 417 pounds

I hadn’t found happiness in food

And I wouldn’t find it on the other side of that either

Not seeking it in the wrong places

That just led to more pain

 

 

 

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How could I so easily fall into temptation to other things

When I know the truth?

This has depressed me more than I can say

Leading me to isolate myself at times

Making it hard for me to express myself here on this blog

It’s such a cliche in the weight loss world

People lose weight and then they fall victim to other things

Gambling, Drinking, Multiple Relationships, Excessive shopping

And the last thing you want when you’ve broken free from one thing

Is to then be ensnared by another!!

We have not fought so hard to break free from the chains of one bad habit

Only to be put back in chains by something else!!

 

photo 2.PNG-2 photo 3.PNG-2

It’s so commonplace for this to happen in the weight loss community

That you wouldn’t think it could happen to you

How can we (if we know better) fall for the same lies?

If I know the truth of my salvation

Why would I look for it anywhere else?

I’ve beaten myself up about this

But now I find solace in this scripture

Knowing I’m not the only one who has been down that road

Paul wrote about it in Romans
photo 4.PNG-2

 

 

So I fell into a bad place

Like a record that keeps skipping

No matter what I did to try and break the pattern

I just couldn’t seem to make it happen

I began praying 6 months ago that God would help me

That He would show me a way out

That He would reveal to me the way I should go

Close the doors that needed to be closed

And open the ones that needed to be opened

I didn’t know anymore what to pray for

So I  just kept praying

Believing the promise that if I asked Him to help me

He would still be there

Like a patient parent

Waiting for my call

Sometimes we lose faith

We walk down roads we wish we never had

But no matter how far we have fallen

The promises given to us remain

God will finish what He starts

 

In spite of my own personal failings

I choose to believe that God still has a plan for my life

That He has not forgotten me

And He has not forgotten you

We look ahead and see only what is in front of us

But God sees it all

 

Today I choose to forgive my past mistakes

And move forward

This verse  gives me great hope

Especially when I face regrets

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It says that God forgives us for ALL things

But more than that

He is patient with us

Patiently waiting for us to return when we fall

And He has forgiven even the worst sinners

Because He wants to demonstrate His patience for us

So that we will truly understand

That while we often grow tired of ourselves

God never grows tired of us

He is always waiting patiently for us to return to Him

He is ready with open arms

And He will renew our faith if we ask Him to

 

That is my prayer now

That God will renew my faith

In Him

In myself

And in this weight loss journey

Because I’m not done

I’m not ready to throw in the towel

And I do not believe He is finished with me just yet

 

Sometimes we think the last page has already been written

And then we realize

Our story isn’t over

We just thought it was

But the Author of Our Faith

Has taken the cap off his pen

And he’s ready to write a new chapter

Let’s GO….

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Lori May 20, 2014 at 3:50 pm

Wow! I feel the need to comment, but I don’t know what to say. Nothing I can say will enhance the truth of what you just said. I am overwhelmed by the TRUTH in this post.
Lori
Lori recently posted..Three Pounds Down 🙂 or 🙁My Profile

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Dawn May 20, 2014 at 4:36 pm

Beautiful post – thank you for sharing. I did this myself back in 1997 (lost then regained) and everyone else has forgotten (I think) but I keep punishing myself for it — this post has encouraged me. Its not just ME! Thank you for sharing your journey – especially the spiritual side, which is a huge component for me. ((( hugs ))) Dawn
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ErinK May 20, 2014 at 4:38 pm

Holly, thank you for your transparency, and your honesty. You have the courage to put in writing for all to see what so many of us secretly go through. I know I am so thankful for second chances, and hundreds more after that. I’m so thankful for grace, God’s grace, grace that will pardon and cleanse within. Never give up, never surrender!! And how you ended the post gave me chills. We should all say it together – Let’s GO!

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chris May 20, 2014 at 6:41 pm

You are where I was one year ago…there is one item holding you back..I don’t know what it is…but it’s a biggie. you get through that, there is no stopping you. Hugs. It’s hard, I cried nearly every day…but pushed through the pain. You can do it.

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Susan H May 20, 2014 at 8:54 pm

You’ve accomplished a huge thing in losing so much already, and in now recognizing where you got temporarily got lost. Here’s a guy who knows what you’re talking about: http://goo.gl/g0HQGx

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Cindy May 21, 2014 at 12:17 am

I tried to respond three times on my phone, but it kept messing up…so here I am on my computer. Let’s see if I can do this! LOL

Holly, I’m so proud of you. There is no timeframe to reach “the finish line.” Also? There is no finish line. It’s just LIFE, and we must keep moving forward, always striving to be the newest form of ourself that we can. You have come so far. Stay the course, friend. <3
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Tammy May 21, 2014 at 2:54 am

I am left speechless by this post. I wish you knew how much I needed to read this at this point in my life. Each day is a chance to begin again and thank goodness we have our Lord’s mercy and grace.

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Heather C May 21, 2014 at 5:58 am

Holly~ I love how you chose to use the past tense in most of your post. That shows that your mind is renewed and you are moving forward. When you get up each day, remember aloud that Jesus Christ already paid for your sins and he never leaves or forsakes you. For that reason alone, you are successful regardless of your weight. Hang in there, Holly. Jesus loves you & so do I!

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robin May 22, 2014 at 10:40 am

amen

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Dana S May 26, 2014 at 3:26 pm

You were certainly given the gift of writing. I am new to your weight loss blog (to all weight loss blogs) but you really speak to me. I will keep reading, please keep writing. I also had WLS- the same kind as you. I’ve lost 85+ lbs (i way my driver’s license weight now lol) i have never (until now!) maintained my weight this low. But my very favorite QB on my very favorite NFL team- Russell Wilson (a man of great faith btw) of the World Champion Seattle Seahawks- would say something his father taught him (because he was shorter than most SuperBowl Champion QB’s) why not you? and Russell changed it to “Why not us?” (because the Seahawks had not yet been Super Bowl Champions) so that’s what I say now “why not me?” because others have taken weight off and kept it off. So thank you. I will be back to read again 🙂 God Bless

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Michelle June 16, 2014 at 10:30 pm

Thank you for sharing your heart. I believe God has given you a mission field. I can’t express what an encouragement you have been to me. Thank you for the reminder that God hasn’t given up on us. I could do nothing without his help.

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