BUT…You have a Pretty Face

March 21, 2014 in Uncategorized

Yesterday I had a man tell me that I have a pretty face.

He then proceeded to add “you’re a little on the heavy side” BUT you have a pretty face.

This probably makes the 1 millionth time I’ve heard this in my life.

I’ve lost over 200 pounds in the past 2 years.

I’m busting my butt in the gym every day and trying to stick to a food plan.

It’s taken me 2 years just to get to this point.

Yes I’m still overweight.

Yes I’m still working on it.

But after 2 long years, do I really STILL have to hear….”BUT you have a pretty face!”


Sorry for this early morning rant but I guess i just want to say to the world…

Stop using the pretty face line as if it’s somehow our consolation prize.

There’s a lot more to us than our faces and our bodies.

If you can’t see beyond that then stop looking 

The good news is this

In the past, I would have felt the need to follow this up with handing over my resume

Trying to detail my accomplishments in life to prove I have worth

Or maybe apologizing for not weighing 104 pounds

Then I would have followed this up with a trip to McDonalds

Where I say “Why try anymore???”

Instead, I said “Thanks” followed silently with an internal dialogue of …. !@#$#@!@

I wish I had a witty retort but I didn’t

Today I wish the world was less superficial

I wish people saw the person inside of us instead the number on the scale

I wish they did not mistakenly believe that pointing out some other totally superficial side of us that they DO find acceptable

Like our FACE

Would be viewed as a compliment

It’s not

The next time someone says this to you remember the following….

We did not ask for their approval of our bodies OR our faces

Nor do we need it

We are beautiful inside and out

And it has nothing to do with our faces, our bodies or that number on the scale

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Melanie March 21, 2014 at 2:25 pm

Hate that you had to deal with society’s stupidity again, but LOVE that it didn’t lead you to your old ways! That is a HUGE accomplishment! You Rock! <3
Melanie recently posted..30 Day Challenge: Day 18My Profile

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Merrily Brown March 21, 2014 at 3:06 pm

So….when I was in High School, I felt I was one of the chubby girls. The boys all paid attention to the skinny cheerleader types. Somehow in my head I told myself…they will never like me for my looks….so I’ll have to make sure my personality is so awesome, they won’t see my looks. I look at post college photos and now see that I was pretty good looking. Did I feel that I was ugly? No…but I was so focused on being great on the inside, I forgot about feeling bad about my outside. During College I struggled with finding friends. I lived at home and rode my bike to Oregon campus. Hard to meet people without living on campus. But…I decided (or rather God placed inside of me) the only way I was going to have a ton of friends, was to BE A FRIEND to others. And now….a “few” years later… I don’t really care if someone tells me my face is pretty. I’m actually showing signs of aging at 51, so the pretty face comment doesn’t come as often. I do know that my desire to be the best friend ever…and be the one people want to be with….will outlive the outward beauty. When you’re 51, my man wants to be with a woman who doesn’t drive him crazy….a woman who’s generous….fun….happy. And that’s my goal….to be the happiest one around… Yes…I’m working on getting healthy. Crossfit 5 times per week…..and eating paleo….. all for the health benefits so that I don’t have a stroke at 52…. But a pretty face is temporary for sure…. Love you Holly! Love your blog. Glad you’re back!!!
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Pam Holmes March 21, 2014 at 3:18 pm

Hubs and I won the anniversary dance at my nephew’s wedding last weekend, meaning, of the couples on the dance floor, we had been married the longest. I felt really good about that and enjoyed the moment dancing with my wonderful husband to Kenny Rogers song, “Through The Years,” which is a favorite of ours. So later, while waiting in line for the dollar dance with the groom, the lady in front of me, who I did not know, told me how good I look. I was surprised, but just said, “Thanks!” Later I realized, she meant that I looked good for someone who has been married that long (43 years) and is pretty old. I guess I accepted the compliment anyway, and it still makes me feel okay, because for 63, maybe I do look pretty good? The mirror and pictures tell me I look old, but maybe not as old as I would look with those extra 170 lbs. I used to have on me?
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Ginger March 21, 2014 at 3:19 pm

Hugs to Holley and any other fluffy ladies or former chubby girls or super skinny girls that want to gain weight and can’t! Girl, if I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me, for sho’ I could take a vacation on it! I feel your pain, anger and aggravation! I wanted to also point out that some people are just rude! I could give you some quick quips, but it wouldn’t show grace and we Princesses Heir to the throne of Grace, can’t show that side. Besides, that would also make you feel bad – been there, done that! If you were super-duper skinny, that same ignoramus probably would have said something like, “You sure are cute but you need to gain a few pounds.” WE can’t please those people. We should stop trying. I know that you know the right things to think to renew your mind, however, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. So, forget about that guy and lift your head high, sister! We are fearfully and wonderfully made and when our Heavenly Father looks at us, all He sees is beauty because we are so loved and adored! You got this! Pass it on!

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Luka Beth March 21, 2014 at 3:28 pm

i always come back with zinger too long after the insult occurs to have them actually have any impact on the offender. Sometimes, i’ll drive myself crazy talking it out–trying to find the ‘perfect’ response to someone when they say things like this..and sadly, it all comes back to calling out something in THEIR physical appearance–which isn’t really the high road. And i don’t want to be someone who calls out somone else for their physical flaws–because that’s being a bully, even if in response to an insult..so i feel like i need to revert to kindergarten and call them a ‘poopy-head’ and move on with life.
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Janis March 21, 2014 at 4:43 pm

People are so stupid and can’t keep their mouths shut. I have dealt with that my whole life about having such a pretty face. No one knows what we have gone through and are going through. You my lady are such an inspiration to me and I am so glad you write and share your stories and journeys with us. I am only 2 1/2 months out from my journey. But I hope to be successful as you. You are a beautiful person.

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Beth March 21, 2014 at 5:06 pm

Really? I cannot believe that someone actually said that. The pretty face part, sure, but to actually say you are on the heavy side? Who would say that? I don’t care if he was talking to someone that was 200 pounds heavier. It is just rude.

I’m so sorry. Ugh. What a jackhole.
Beth recently posted..Manage the DamageMy Profile

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Shannon March 21, 2014 at 5:25 pm

THANK YOU for this post! You’re right… it’s rude and shouldn’t be something that one person ever says to another person. I guess that sort of “compliment” is definitely what is referred to as a “back-handed” compliment. :( Sorry that happened to you. I’ve been the recipient of these types of comments as well in my life. The one thing I can honestly say that I can take away from it – at least I will know never to say anything like that to someone, because I know how it feels. BOO on them! You are fabulous!

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Sheila March 21, 2014 at 6:28 pm

http://plussize.about.com/u/ua/plussizeuseranswers/prettyfaceuseranswer.htm

The only thing I hate more than the “pretty face” comment was when I was first losing weight…kept hearing, “oh I see it in your face” after losing about 30lbs. Um, really, I doubt I carried all 30lbs in my face, but whatever.

Makes me think of grade school when kids would say “you’re fat” and the only good comback was “well you’re ugly and and at least I can lose weight…”

Ha ha…I wish I knew of a pretty face answer like that. Only thing that pops into my mind is “thanks and you’re a jack@$$” but that isn’t very ladylike nor the kind of language I like to use…but if the guy was being a jerk, well, sometimes you reap what you sew!

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Anna March 21, 2014 at 6:30 pm

Great insight and uplifting posters to go along with! I know how you feel. It’s tiresome to be overweight and it’s tiresome to struggle with the added attention that occurs when we lose weight. Keep doing what you’re doing. Thank you so much for posting and helping me and the many others!

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Tori March 21, 2014 at 7:26 pm

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that I’d be able to pay the monthly gym membership! An ex-boyfriends mom said to me “you have such a pretty face, if you’d only lose a few pounds…” but she didn’t finish her sentence. I encouraged her to finish the sentence with “what, then I’d be good enough for your son? Then I’d be good enough for ??” It may not have been the proper way to respond but seriously…what is the real point of stating to someone “you have such a pretty face dot dot dot? I already have self esteem issues that I put on myself I don’t need someone Else’s burden! Oh well…he’s long gone and I’m in a much better place!

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Donna Marie Sleeved March 21, 2014 at 8:07 pm

You need to consider the source. One of the comebacks that went through my mind was, “I didn’t know jack *sses could speak.” I’m so glad this didn’t get you off track. You most certainly DO NOT have to explain your journey to someone like this. Sometimes I find silence and a stare work well. It totally makes the other person uncomfortable which they should be. Keep doing what you are doing because it is working.

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Paula March 21, 2014 at 8:47 pm

I am more blunt… I probably would have told him that I could keep losing weight but there wasn’t much he could do about rude.

I have heard it, too… I have also heard this one… still shocks me, even after all these years. I was a voice major in college, (’77,) and one of the really cute tenors came to me and said, “You have the most beautiful, sexy voice… too bad you don’t look like you sound.” Yep, he really said that. Oh, well… Idiots abounded then and still do. You are loved and admired.

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Calleigh March 22, 2014 at 12:31 am

Sorry you were faced with that ignorance. I’ve been told many times ‘you would be “hot” if you lost some weight’, for a long time I found that hard to deal with. Then I taught myself that the people who say those kind of things really are shallow, ignorant human beings.
You are empowering, inspiring and beautiful inside and out.
Calleigh recently posted..A Little Less InsaneMy Profile

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tb March 22, 2014 at 1:31 am

Dear Holly, Wow, I wish I had had this philosophy back over the years when I needed it the most! Anyways, your points are well-written. I am reading your blog, starting at the beginning and also keeping up with current day-to-day posts. I think you are so very brave to have the gastric sugery. I would be so scared. I am so sorry about your dear mother. Mine is still alive, but elderly so I worry all the time. I need my mother to be here for a good long time! My father died when I was eight years old. I was intrigued when you mentioned in a post at one point about transfer addiction. This really rings true for me. I have had trouble with food and heavily sweetened coffee addictions. Clearly I was addicted. I also had other addictions (the internet, compulsive cleaning, being addicted to my work, and others too). I am about fifty pounds overweight. The only reason I am not heavier is because I also love healthy foods, I am mostly a vegetarian, I love to go for very long walks, and I also enjoy snowshoeing and swimming. Otherwise I would be very heavy. And currently I am having a lot of financial trouble and simply cannot afford to waste money on sugary things. But I still think about it….I used to go for my very long walks, but would stop and buy chocolate and eat it all along my walking route….At least I was walking but still……Lately I have been walking without chocolate because I have to save money. I guess in a way I ought to be grateful that I am poor. At least I am not buying unhealthy foods, but can’t it be any better than this pathetic situation? How did food become so important to me? Why couldn’t I just enjoy a long hike without stopping for things? Oddly enough, when I visit family way out in the country with stores being quite some distance away, I don’t think about buying sweet things nearly as much because I cannot get there easily. Or maybe it is because I am with family and keeping busier, out enjoying the country. Maybe I feel happier. But if I pass a drugstore in the city, I am thinking of the junk food aisle. I think I could learn a lot from your blog. Cheers!

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Natalie March 22, 2014 at 11:23 pm

Do people honestly say things like that? And not because they are deliberately trying to be insulting and nasty? How deluded is that, how unable to see the effect of their behaviour. Feel sorry for them.
Natalie recently posted..Preparing for a partyMy Profile

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LHA March 23, 2014 at 2:45 am

What a jerk! I agree it isn’t worth it to sink to their level and make some derogatory comment about their appearance, but a few come to mind: “How long have you been going bald? Have you considered hair transplants?” or “You have a nice smile. It’s a shame your teeth are so crooked.” or “Is it hard to find a woman to date who is actually shorter than you are?” Sorry, this is just making me laugh to think of actually saying something like this to such a nasty guy!

I have been the victim of the “such a pretty face, if only…..” comments too over the course of my life. Another sentence that still makes me cringe is “You don’t need that” in regard to food. Growing up chubby, I would hear that at friends’ houses when the cookies were being passed out to everyone else. At times I would hear it in the school cafeteria when someone was criticizing what I was eating or at a birthday party when cake was being cut. Sometimes those words would even be followed by “I am just trying to help you.”

These kind of comments can make you feel like less than nothing. Not worthy. Not as good as everyone else. I applaud you for taking the high road and just going on with your life. We can all shake our heads at someone who is so lacking in manners and tact. The shame is on him!

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Leah March 24, 2014 at 8:37 pm

Some people have no sense. So glad you are remaining focused.

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robin March 25, 2014 at 9:57 am

I know this will sound selfish but I really hate when you don’t blog more often. I read before I go to work, its my motivation for the day….Robin

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BA March 31, 2014 at 11:19 am

OMG. I am so angry for you right now! While I wouldn’t have thought this at the moment, maybe I would have put a big old smile on my face and said something like “Wow, thank you! I love when someone pays me a compliment and then follows it up immediately with an insult. Has that gotten you far in life?” I am glad you didn’t give a resume or apologize for not having lost enough weight or anything like that. You are inspiration!

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