I find myself extremely grateful that I am finally making progress once again
It is not that I am seeing any major losses on the scale right now
But more so the fact that I have been able to stop the downward spiral that was taking over
Losing weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle is something that is not easy
At least not for me
I had hoped that if I lost a significant amount of weight, I would miraculously transform into someone else
Someone who loves exercise and hates chocolate
But that has not been the case for me
I have learned to enjoy exercise
But I still struggle with mentally making myself do it
I find that never really goes away
I actually really enjoy walking once I get out the door
But if given a choice—I would still prefer the couch and remote control
That is something I will always have to battle
The same is true of my desire for food
I assumed that if I could gain control over eating
That would also mean I would lose my love and desire for food
But that is not the case either!
Although I now know how to control it
I still struggle with wanting food as my go-to way of coping in life
I find that I must press in and press through these struggles
Even to just simply maintain the same weight
If I let my guard down in these areas, I will rapidly begin gaining again
And I am well aware that there is no end to the amount of weight I could gain
If I were to give up
So giving up is not an option!!
It is certainly difficult though to stop a downward spiral
But I have found the very best way to do that is by going back to the beginning
Being gentle with yourself and allowing yourself to once again join the race
As if it was brand new!
Taking those first steps all over again and not condemning yourself for going “backwards”
There is no backwards if you are still trying
There is only round 2, round 3…..round 433 !!
Whatever round in the fight you are on
And there is only respect for staying in the ring no matter how many times you’re knocked down
It simply doesn’t matter why you hit the mat
It is irrelevant why you fell once again
All that matters is your decision to rise again
Don’t tap out!
Don’t let the bell ring!
You don’t have to feel like fighting
You don’t even have to be good at it!
You just have to be willing to stay in the ring
And keep getting up when you fall
You know at the end of the day—that’s really all I do
Because I look around me and see others far more successful
People who decided to lose weight and hit their goal already
People who went from totally obese to personal trainer
Who transformed in every way who they are from the inside out
And never looked back
They are running marathons and winning medals
But that’s not me
I am not the fighter who gets in the ring as the underdog
And shocks the whole world with a major win
I want to be the Karate Kid!!
I want to be Rocky!
But I’m not….
I seem to lose more fights than I win
I seem to fall off track more than I stay on
It takes me three times as long to lose weight as it should
Because of all the detours I take
And that part of it is exhausting
Because I SOOO want to be that person who is CHANGED
Who loves to run and eat vegetables!
But that is still not me
And yet I have found something out along the way
I don’t have to be the superstar
I don’t have to be Rocky or the Karate Kid
Or go through some metamorphosis where I become someone else
Oh it sure would make my life easier if I could!!!
But God has not allowed that
Instead He has shown me that I will stay who I am
I will be that girl who craves cupcakes when she’s sad
And wants food in times of trouble
I will be that girl who prefers Netflix to the Treadmill
A remote control over dumbbells
And I will continue to be the one always pulling up the caboose
If we are in a race, I will probably be the one crossing the finish line
When everyone else already went home
Because it took me THAT long to finish
But God has shown me that it’s OK
That it doesn’t matter
As long as I keep going
As long as I don’t give up
I can be the one in the back of the crowd
I can be the one that has to walk when everyone else is running
As long as I just don’t quit
It isn’t easy for me to watch myself go around in circles
No one hates it more than I do when I backslide
But even when I don’t feel up to trying again
I know that He will renew my strength (Isaiah 40:31)
All I have to do is place my hope in Him
I don’t have to pretend I am strong
I just have to place my hope in the One whose power is far greater than mine
And who has promised to never give up on me
Even when we give up on ourselves
He has promised to bring to completion what He started in us (Phillipians 1:6)
So as I go back to the beginning and once again implement back into my life
The habits that I know help me in this journey
I am reminded of how much easier this really will be
If I stop expecting myself to be the hero
And instead place my hope and trust in Him to get me through each day
I don’t have it in me to avoid food or go to the gym
It just isn’t in me to do it
IN MY OWN STRENGTH
I never could have lost one single pound without Him
Sometimes I forget that though
There are times in the past 2 years
Where I have grown overconfident in my own abilities
And then I crash
Because I thought I had it all under control
I thought I could let things slide
I am reminded of this verse
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!
1 Corinthians 10:12
And I have fallen
More times than I can count
Into holes of my OWN making
Deep pits that I created
No one’s fault but MINE
And while this verse is a warning
It does not leave us without hope
Because He also tells us that if we DO fall
We have an Advocate! One who will stand with us and help us up! (1 John 2:1)
He will wipe the slate clean once again and then encourage us to keep pressing on
After a big fall, we may look around and see nothing more than a dry desert
No hope in sight
But God has promised to make a way where there seems to be no way
He said we will see streams in the desert!
And as for your past?
As for yesterday?
This is what God says
18 “But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
This week I am going back to the beginning
To the very FIRST habit that I ever started trying to implement into my life
When I could do nothing but lay in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm
At 417 pounds
Before I could even get up and walk those first few steps
There was water
That came before anything else
When I came out of surgery, I was not allowed even ice chips the first day
My lips were dry and cracked
Only a wet washcloth could give me any slight relief
But finally I was given water
And at first I could get only a few sips in
I remember how thirsty I was
How desperate I was to quench that thirst
Every day I was diligent to fill up my water bottle
It was the first thing I did
Just as I was diligent to go to God before my feet even hit the floor
Before I even started trying to do one single thing on my list
I asked Him to help me
I thanked Him for another day and I put my trust in Him to see me through
That’s the Living Water (John 4:14)
The water that truly gives life and hope
He is the One making streams in the desert
The One who can come into our circumstances AS THEY ARE
And give it life
He can come right into our world and put a fresh spin on it
We only need to step out in faith
I am reminded this week of the importance in water
That the first habit for me was filling up a water bottle daily
With water for my body
And the Living Water for my spirit
Both are necessary first steps for me to ever see the light when I’ve fallen
And isn’t it amazing?
That He never stops filling our cup?
But we must never stop returning for the refill daily
Just as our water bottle must be refilled every day
So must our spirit be renewed with the Living Water
If you are struggling today–have hope!
Fill up a water bottle today as a first step
And then try going to the source of Living Water
The one who promises streams in the desert
When this becomes our habit
We never have to thirst again!