Try Try Again

August 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

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I feel hungry

ALL THE TIME

I woke up this morning thinking about potato chips

It was the first thought that came into my head

I wish I could adequately describe to you how much I hate that

Because it’s how I lived my life for YEARS

Waking up in the night wanting food

Waking up in the morning wanting food

Not coffee

FOOD

And it’s a horrible way to live

Going through the day with food on the brain constantly

I used to never have freedom from this

It plagued me day and night

An insatiable hunger that would never leave

I believed for years that there was something inherently wrong with me

That I was born with a larger appetite than the rest of the world

And I just had no choice but to feed it

And feed it I did

Until I was over 400 pounds and could barely walk or function

Until I was so drained and tired that I could barely breathe

When you’re feeding your body sugar and junk

You feel HORRIBLE all the time

But deep down you feel that you have no choice

Because the hunger is powerful

It’s a force

A driving force

One that feels impossible to fight

When every time you try to resist

It just comes back with friends

Like a gang of bullies waiting to take you down

I’ve learned something over the past 2 years

And it’s this…

We can go backwards

Or we can go forwards

But what we can never do

Is STAND STILL

Because that hunger

That insatiable force that lives within

That addiction or draw to the food

Which comes for us

Never takes a day off

It will be patient

It will wait in the wings

It will gladly sit on the sidelines as long as it takes

But what it will never do

Is pack up and go away

So we have to fight

I took off my boxing gloves around the time I hit

240 pounds lost

I thought somehow in the back of my mind

I GOT THIS

I’ve arrived

I have this thing LICKED

But now I know

I didn’t

I had it figured out for the most part

I had accomplished a lot

I had grown confidence in my abilities to win the battle

But what I did right at that moment

Was take off the gloves

And start celebrating

I’ve learned that my mind never stops tricking me

Even though I know sugar is no good for me

I’ll still find a way at times to sneak it in

I started including wine in my allowed list of things to drink

And I felt it was ok

You know why??

Because I read that alcohol does not turn into sugar when it hits your body

That it’s a myth that alcohol will do this

But despite what the scientific studies say

I know THIS to be true

When I drink alcohol

I get hungry

The calories aren’t worth it

And what’s more than that

It’s hard for me to drink it in moderation

At the end of the day–alcohol is as bad for me

As a giant bag of Reeses Peanut butter cups

Because it has the same effect in many ways

It leads me back to food

It encourages me to make bad decisions and food choices

Next thing I know I’ve headed to Wendy’s

For that big hamburger with the pretzel bun

And the honey mustard sauce that DOES have sugar

And that Frosty I really don’t need

It’s a slippery slope

And when you comprimise

You often end up finding yourself

Comprimising a little bit more the next day too

Next thing you know you’re knee deep in a bag of Fritos

And up to your neck in Peanut M and M’s

Once the sugar gets into your blood

It’s time for the hunger to return

And return it does

With a vengeance

There you are once again

Waking in the night wanting food

Waking in the morning desperate for a Kit Kat

Imprisoned again by your appetite

As if you’d never experienced one day of freedom

Today I am hungry

And I shouldn’t be

I know now what I can eat

How much I need to eat

To satisfy my appetite

So if I keep wanting more

It’s not me

It’s not my appetite

It’s not my stomach being less than full

It’s the sugar’s addictive relentless power

Taking back control

Having waited patiently for me to slip up

It pulled back in ready to take me down

No matter how far we come in this journey

We can never lose sight of the danger that still lurks

Because we never know which sip or what bite

Will be the one that puts us back in chains

I’m determined to get back on track

I’ve had too many false starts

But this much I know

I won’t give up

I can’t

So I will do what has worked before

I’ll detox once again

YET AGAIN

I’ll drink my shakes

And eat my chicken

I’ll get back on the treadmill

And pray for God to help me return to what I know works

There will be tears

And suffering

As the sugar and junk leaves my system

There always is when I get off track

But in the end I know

That if I perservere

If I stay the course

If I have faith

Then I will turn that corner

Freedom will return

Because as easy as it may be to slip and fall

It’s still never too late to try again

That’s why hope remains for us all

Even in the darkest nights

The light will shine through

Reminding us that tomorrow is another day

But better than tomorrow

IS TODAY

IS RIGHT NOW

We never have to wait for tomorrow to change

To try again

We can start over right now

Even with our hand deep into a bag of chips

All it takes is deciding to try one more time

To rejoin the battle

To stand up and fight

And press through!

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Cameron August 28, 2013 at 5:19 pm

This post hit home for me today. I have been doing so well for 5 weeks. 17 lbs lost and then I got lazy starting Monday this week. Sneak a little bite here, another bite there and then a big cookie and then a pint of ice cream. Lord the the slippery slope just turned into a steep cliff! I’m back on track today. No sugar so far and just taking it one meal/snack at a time. Thanks for the message – God knew I needed to hear this today!

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Sally August 28, 2013 at 5:20 pm

If its any consolation, when I get hungry, and start to open my pantry door, I think of YOU and what would you do, which is grab a shake. So I go to the fridge and get a shake. And it makes me feel better, quells my hunger and I know if I have more than one a day, I’ll lose the weight faster than I will if I’m eating a sandwich or chips.

Weight loss is not a straight line down. its a jagged line, like a mountain ridge. So don’t fret.

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Flora Scarbrough August 28, 2013 at 5:23 pm

I needed this at this time. Thank you!

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Leah August 28, 2013 at 5:23 pm

Beautifully said. Thanks to your procrastination post yesterday, I walked for almost an hour last night and I didn’t snack at bedtime. I was almost in tears because my body said its ok go get the chocolate frosting (I know gross) one little spoon. I was so mad, mad at the food cravings, mad at the excuses I give myself why I have 40 pounds to lose (it was 30 pounds the last time, feels like hundreds). It truly is a day to day thing, even a minute to minute sometimes. You give me alot of inspiration. Thank you.

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mary August 28, 2013 at 5:30 pm

You dont know how much I needed to read this today- I lost 167lbs and regained 30 now cuz of that one stupid bite that I allowed to throw me back into old bad habits…thank you! stay strong!

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Samantha @ 24to30 August 28, 2013 at 5:39 pm

Stick with it Holly! You can do it! You have come so far, you are definitely strong enough to perservere.
Samantha @ 24to30 recently posted..Eating Like a Normal PersonMy Profile

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Caron August 28, 2013 at 6:15 pm

Some things don’t change for those of us who battle the scales. “At goal” never means the work is done. We continue to do the same things that helped us lose the weight initially. That is at the top of my blog because it is very true. I know you are not in maintenance yet, but when you are you will still be battling these things.

You can do it Holly. You’ve come too far to let up now. I’m always going back to basics when I start veering off to the right or left. I long for an easy way to do this but it will always take work on my part. Someone once commented on my blog that they wished I could just enjoy the indulgences and not worry about them. When I start indulging and not worry about it, I will gain back all the weight I have lost.
Caron recently posted..I’m Trying to Make a DecisionMy Profile

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Shelly August 28, 2013 at 7:07 pm

Thank you for sharing your heart. I read and reread your blog every day for motivation and ideas. Your sugar detox kicked me into high gear and motivation.
I’m sorry you are struggling. It sucks.
Reminds me of the verse
His strength is made perfect in our weakness
Praying that for you and me today.

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Jacquie August 28, 2013 at 8:02 pm

You made me cry when reading this. This really is me…..And i know it has to stop and i can….but once you slip a little sugar i slip the slope and have to start again…. Thanks <3
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Darlene August 28, 2013 at 10:22 pm

Holly, thank you so much for being real and being honest. As much as I hate my food addiction, I know that I wouldn’t want anyone else’s life challenge. I know God will help me with mine if I allow Him. It’s never over in this life and again thank you for reminding me to fight the good fight. Blessings to you in your fight! Prayers for Holly and her family!

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Nicola August 29, 2013 at 12:23 am

You can do this Holly! You’re so strong and such a fighter, I know you’ll get to where you want to be. But never lose sight of how much you’ve already accomplished and all the hard work you’ve put in to get to where you are today as no one, not even yourself, can take that pride away from you 🙂

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Staci August 29, 2013 at 5:09 am

Way to go on knowing you need to get it until control NOW instead of continuing to let the poison build up in you. You can do it!
Staci recently posted..Total LoserMy Profile

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Pam August 29, 2013 at 1:05 pm

It is a very slippery slope. I struggle every single day to stay on top of that hill and not start the slide down. I make many many good choices, a few bad ones, and have come to the realization, it will probably never get any easier for me. An addict’s life is not easy, at least it’s not easy if they want to stay away from their addiction. I have to constantly remind myself of all that I have gained with my weight loss so that I don’t return to the old ways. When it suddenly dawned on me, about halfway through my journey to lose the weight, that I had the POWER, that I was in CONTROL of making my choices, it was a very good feeling and I try to hang on to that when I feel weak.
Pam recently posted..An Awful Few Days, with Some Joy Sprinkled InMy Profile

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ErinK August 29, 2013 at 5:02 pm

Holly, I’m right there with you. After losing 70 lbs in the last year, I have been a dismal failure the last 2 – 3 months. After several “tomorrow is the day I start over” talks with myself, I really decided yesterday that today is the day. And its an hour to hour battle right now. I may lose a few battles, but I am NOT going to lose this war! Everytime I’m tempted or get that edgy “I’ve got to have something” feeling, I’ll pray for you. Which means you’re going to get prayed for a LOT!! : )

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Sheryl C. August 29, 2013 at 6:17 pm

Holly, as a fellow food addict, I am with you. And I am praying for you. I know the pull and the desperation. I pray that you will get yourself centered again in what you know works. Don’t give up! Today is a very important day. You must get through your first day before you can get through your second day. And one day after another is what it takes. You have inspired me so much. You can do this through Christ who strengthens you.

Prayers and hugs,
Sheryl
Sheryl C. recently posted..Victory!My Profile

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Shay August 29, 2013 at 9:59 pm

It’s just like I tell myself in every race that I run…one step at a time and JUST DON’T STOP…you got this, girl!!
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