Slow Fade

July 24, 2013 in Uncategorized

I heard this song the other day

Called “The Slow Fade”

The lyrics say

“People never crumble in a day.  It’s a slow fade”

Those words are true

And they apply to me right now

In my weight loss journey

For the past few months, I’ve maintained my weight

Or rather I’ve gone up and down the scale

Losing and regaining the same 6 pounds over and over

For awhile I told myself that maintaining is fine

I’ve done this on and off through the last 2 years

I get to points where I just sit comfortably at a weight for awhile

Before I start losing again

But this time is different

Because something happened

And I bounced back up on those 6 pounds

And gained an additional 3 just in the past week

That means I’ve gained close to 10 pounds back

And that is NOT good

At first it didn’t seem like a big deal

But I realize now I’ve been ‘fading’ out slowly

It’s true what they say

You don’t crumble in a day

Its the choices we make over time

It’s the habits we create

It’s that little by little

Slippery slope that takes us down

Over the past few months, I’ve let bad food choices creep in

I’ve eaten things with sugar

I’ve eaten hot dogs and tacos

Two things I used to really binge on in the past

I’ve gotten lazy with my exercise

Because I made it to a place where I was happy

I could fit into a size 12 and a medium shirt

For me—that’s a dream come true

And a part of me wanted to just quit

To just ride it out

And let that be enough

But quitting is not an option

I realize there will never come a day

That I ARRIVE

That I can say “Ok I’m here…I’ve done it….now bring on the cheesecake!”

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I hope that will be the case

That I can go back to eating Doritos and potato salad and hot dogs

That I can drink Coke and still maintain my weight

Because deep down there is a part of me that will always want those things

But that lifestyle leads back to the dismal state I was in before

It feeds the appetite that once awakened becomes a monster who takes over

And it’s scary

It’s scary because it doesn’t take long at all for me to lose control

And even with weight loss surgery, I can gain weight

It’s no guarantee

And once my appetite starts awakening due to the sugar

It just never stops

So that’s where I’m at right now

I’m a product of some bad decisions

And they didn’t happen all at once

They just snowballed slowly

Until I awakened and realized

I’m screwing up

I have to find that motivation I had in the beginning

I have to tap back into that fire that burned inside of me at the start

When I was 417 pounds, I was in pain ALL the time

Life hurt

Just being alive

Just sitting

Was painful

Because being that big HURTS

And pain is a very driving force in life to change

But now the pain is gone

It doesn’t hurt to walk

It doesn’t hurt to breathe

I can fit anywhere I want to go

And THAT should motivate me too, right?

But instead it’s made me too comfortable

So today I’m praying that I find my way back to where I need to be

And I’m going to start doing that by using the same plan that always works

I’ll go walking even if it’s just around the block

Because something is better than nothing

And even small changes add up over time

I’m going back to my shakes every 2-3 hours to detox off the sugar

So I expect the next 3 or 4 days to SUCK

Because sugar robs me of my life

And getting it out of my system is never fun

But this is where I’m at right now

Slowly fading out

And I can’t let that happen

This journey is a struggle

And I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t afford to let go

Because I may only be up by 9 or 10 pounds right now

But in no time flat—-it could be 300

And I won’t let that happen

 

 

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Adelyn July 24, 2013 at 11:57 am

Praying with you and for you, Holly. I am finding the momentum and seeing the scale slowly creep down. You are so right that it is a slow fade that snowballs…for me it snowballed into a 30 lb gain. Seriously…30 pounds. It is now 20 so I am making progress…you will too. We will get this! (I mean, we have to, right?!?!? so then we do! ;-))
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annamarie July 24, 2013 at 11:58 am

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. I guess it is always a journey that everyone will be battling.

But you are such a stong woman and I know and feel you will be right back on path again.

Hope your next couple of days are good.
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Samantha July 24, 2013 at 12:22 pm

Sorry you are struggling Holly – hang in there!
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Elaine July 24, 2013 at 12:58 pm

Thanks for the reminder to never give up and never let myself become complacent. What shakes do you drink to detox from sugar?

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Marc July 24, 2013 at 1:57 pm

Got to keep that mojo burning.
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Jerica July 24, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Holly, I can relate to what you said here. Once upon a time I weighed 388 pounds. I had wls, and over the course of two years I lost over 175 lbs. At that point I got a little too comfortable. I got lazy, I quit watching what I was eating, I did what was comfortable, I quit challenging myself. One day I woke up and it dawned on me that I had let myself get back up to 277 pounds. It seemed like it happened overnight, but when I looked back I realized that wasn’t the case at all. It was a slow fade, a downward progression that was so subtle I didn’t even realize what was happening. That day I vowed to take control back. I got back to healthy eating and I started exercising again. I have lost all the regain, plus a little more. I know that I will never be done. I know that complacency is not acceptable.

There is another blog I read regularly (Runs for Cookies) written by a woman who had great success losing weight through Weight Watchers, calorie counting, and good old exercise. She says, “determination always trumps motivation.” I totally believe that to be true. Motivation is the incentive or drive you feel to accomplish a goal, but it can be fleeting. Determination is making the decision to see it through and reach that goal, no matter what, even when you lack the motivation to do it.

Katie at runsforcookies.com wrote, “When you feel the fire of determination, you’re not making the decision to just “get it done”; you’re making the decision to do whatever it takes to get it done. This doesn’t mean that you’re not going to have setbacks along the way; but you will realize that they are just setbacks. You can keep right on going, because you already made the decision to do whatever it takes and not give up.”

It is wonderful that you have owned up to your slow fade and are taking steps to stop it. When your motivation wanes, just dig deep and remember your determination; you made a decision to do whatever it takes to attain your goal, and I believe you can get there. You are well on your way.

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Heather C. July 24, 2013 at 2:18 pm

Making the right food choices is such a battlefield in our heads, isn’t it? Fortunately, you 1) recognize it 2) have support from others 3) are making the necessary steps to bring yourself ‘back’ from the fade. This just demonstrates that the fight will never be over, even when maintenance begins (DARN IT, anyways!!) It’s nice to imagine a life at a normal weight where food is an after thought. God gives all of us different struggles, and this just happens to be ours. The best part about this ‘fade’ is that you are picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and saying “NO….I am better than this!” Holly~ after all you’ve been through, this is cake! Wait…..I didn’t mean that….scratch that….NOT cake!! ;o) This is just hiccup in your journey, my friend- you ‘got this.’

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sunnydaze July 24, 2013 at 2:54 pm

We all struggle, no matter who we are. You’ve come so far, there’s no turning back now. I agree with Heather- you got this.

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Pam July 24, 2013 at 3:11 pm

Good for you Holly. You’re right, the changes don’t happen overnight, it is a gradual thing. One day you eat this or that and then the next day if you do it again, for some reason it doesn’t seem as bad. You justify it by saying, “I ate this yesterday.” And it gets easier and easier to slip back into old patterns. I too, realize I can never eat those potato chips and M&M’s again, and even the knowledge of all that I have gained from losing weight doesn’t make me want those treats any less. Those forbidden foods will always be out there in the world calling my name, and that is a tough realization. But like you, I will never go back to that place I used to be. It was just too painful.
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Tiffany McCallen July 24, 2013 at 3:19 pm

I feel for you. I just had a 15-pound slide from vacation eating, plus a month where I just couldn’t get back on track. I made myself sick from eating absolute junk, in fact! Just now getting motivated again to lose the 40 pounds I need to take off my small frame to be healthy. What a journey!

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Lori L. July 24, 2013 at 3:25 pm

Holly,
Hang tight my friend….you don’t even realize the help & support you are providing other WLS patients out here. Since joining you & following you my weight has gone from 218.9 to 208.2…you have given me that UMPH….I needed….we are here for you Holly….don’t give in girl…& please add me on Myfitnesspal…Lori

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Jamie July 24, 2013 at 3:47 pm

I love this statement:

“Being overweight is hard. Losing weight is hard. Keeping weight off is hard. Pick your hard.”

Even people who have never been overweight have to work at staying fit, particularly in adulthood. This is even more true as our work lives have become so sedentary.

Every single one of us has to “pick our hard.” I know you’ll choose the one that makes you happier and healthier!

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Stacey July 24, 2013 at 3:52 pm

What an excellent post! I am there with you, but I am up about 20lbs of my 75lb loss that I had maintained for 2 years. Thank you for posting. Praying for us and all who are in similar shoes. God Bless!

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Alissa July 24, 2013 at 3:53 pm

This post really really spoke to me. I had lost 40 pounds, and I become comfortable. I started making bad food choices because I had lost 40 pounds, I can have a piece of cake. Slowly I gained 50 pounds. Losing the weight is the easier part– Keeping it off? That is hard. You can never go back to making bad food choices- ever. And it is hard. Thank you for sharing this post, it really makes me feel like I am not alone in this. Good luck 🙂

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Kathy July 24, 2013 at 4:08 pm

Holly, your writing inspires me and many others. Life is challenging and you have made incredible strides to change many areas of your life; all while being a devoted and strong Mom. I wish I could hug you and send you some love and nurturing because you are such a special person. How, and what you share, is so real and hits home with so many. Let the love you give out wash over you and give you strength. Great job for recognizing what is happening and FIGHTING back!

Here are some links to Casting Crowns songs to encourage you as you push to get on track.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCLFOtBP1KU Voice of Truth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtsmhGjqRTE Who am I?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPS8sa-bRQ Praise you in the storm

Kathy

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Sunny July 24, 2013 at 4:20 pm

I have now lost 85 lbs and find myself slowing fading….great post and thanks….we can and will do this

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Mary Ellen Quigley July 24, 2013 at 4:24 pm

I’m praying for you Holly. I’m going through the exact same thing. The first step is realizing the bad habits are creeping in. You have already done this. Now it just comes down to figuring out how to get the motivation back.
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Lori July 24, 2013 at 4:44 pm

I love that song. It is so true. It seems like little choices here and there that seem so small and insignificant really add up.
Lori
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Sally July 24, 2013 at 5:27 pm

You describe EXACTLY what I went through when I lost 100lbs. I thought “hey, I’m here, lets have cake!” and that lead to me gaining back too much weight. The sugar took hold and I didn’t stop it.

After reading your blog, tho, and realizing the effect sugar has on me, its made me much more aware of staying off it. I cannot get hooked on it, or it leads to trouble. My body is poised and ready to gain weight and if I give it a little sugar, it really grabs it and doesn’t let go.

I’m back on plan, and trying to get my weight off again, only this time I’ve learned that you don’t ‘arrive’. You have to keep vigilant in order to stay there, or you’ll bounce right out of the 12’s (what I was wearing as well) and back into the 16-18’s. Thankfully I stopped before I hit the 22’s again.

Thanks for sharing your info. It really helps me check in with myself and not get too far gone……..

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Rhonda W July 24, 2013 at 6:52 pm

It is a daily effort to maintain. I let myself have some treats on vacation and gained 6 pounds… it has been two months now and I’ve only been able to lose 4 of those pesky pounds …but I’m not giving up. It is a lifestyle that I want to live. Hugs to you Holly and get those walking shoes on!

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Shay July 24, 2013 at 7:27 pm

Just don’t give up, Holly. Pop that workout DVD in no matter what. If you don’t feel like doing it, find a short one that’s still effective and just go for it. Those 25 minutes will be tough, but they’ll fly, and you’ll feel so much better for the rest of the day. You got this!!
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LHA July 24, 2013 at 8:02 pm

This may sound silly, but in my decades of dieting…losing, gaining, losing, gaining…I find that one of the most dangerous times for regaining is just after I have bought some really cute new clothes in a smaller size. I don’t know whether it is an unconscious thought that I have now “arrived” and don’t have to lose more or what. I honestly even really dread buying new clothes and put it off when I am losing weight for fear of this crazy response! So, you know that there are many of out here who have faced the same thing you are facing now. We are rooting for you and for ourselves to stay focused and get back on track and never give up!

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Caron July 24, 2013 at 10:47 pm

It took me years to come to the hard realization that I can never eat the way I did if I want to weigh what I do and stay healthy. I call it the upward “creep”. First it’s one pound and then two and before you know it, you’ve undone all your hard work.

It is great that you have recognized the trend and are beginning to take steps to stop the “creep”. You can do this Holly. You know the drill. Just get back up and get back in the swing of things. 🙂
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Taryl July 25, 2013 at 12:43 am

The only way to prevent that creep is vigilance. So big, big cheers that you caught it now. I agree with LHA – I struggle with buying new clothes, too. I mean – I do enjoy them very much – but I can track that same ‘complacency’ pattern in myself, whenever I feel like I have arrived.

Fortunately I’m actually pretty good at maintaining. But that’s because I’ve accepted and set my will upon doing whatever it takes, daily, to keep the weight off. And when I feel myself struggling, it’s a sure sign I need to repent, refocus on my priorities (good stewardship of my body), and then beg The Lord to strengthen me for accomplishing what he wills.
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Susan July 25, 2013 at 2:43 am

Holly, i understand what you are saying. I had WLS and I have not reached my goal yet but have been stuck at the same weight for months. And have been slowly letting my old bad habits creep in. I know we can do it though and your article really hit home. Thanks.

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MandaPanda July 25, 2013 at 3:16 pm

It’s good that you’re recognizing your slip. I, too, am getting remotivated. We can do this together!
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