It’s All in Your Head

July 10, 2013 in Uncategorized

Early in my marriage

When Savannah was just a baby

I started having these horrible pains

In my stomach


I had no idea what they were

But they would come on suddenly

And last for hours

Excruciating pain


I went to the doctor

They said it was heartburn

And gave me Tagamet

But that did not work


I never knew when it would hit me

It would come out of the blue

We would be heading out for the day

And then all of  a sudden

It would happen

Like I was being repeatedly stabbed

It was scary


I went to the Emergency Room

And they would give me

What they called

A GI Cocktail

They continued to insist

It was heartburn


Months went by of this routine

Going to the doctor

And being told there was nothing wrong with me

Going to the Emergency Room

And being told the same thing


After 5 months of this

Both places became annoyed with me

Because I was always there

Always asking them to run more tests

To help me

But they would just say

“Either you have heartburn and you’re overreacting”


“It’s all in your head”


I would go home

More depressed than ever

Because I knew there was no where left to go

I was in severe pain

Getting worse with each week that went by

And no one would help


To make things worse

I knew what was waiting for me

When I walked back into my home

My husband’s growing disgust

At embarrassing him

By always showing up at the doctor

Or emergency room

He knew people that worked there on base

And he said I was giving him a bad reputation

From the couch, he would glance at me

As I walked in and say

“Still on that crazy train?”


I was grateful for the days

That the pain stayed away

But  I lived in fear of it’s return

On the good days, my husband would tell me

“See? There is nothing wrong with you”

But when it returned he’d say

“You’re out of your mind.  You’re making it up”

“And you’re not even a good actress”


But I kept going back to the doctor

Desperate for help

I would sit in their office and cry

Please help me! This pain is real!


After 6 months

The doctor sat down with me

And said

“Look–you can’t keep doing this”

“There is nothing physically wrong with you”

“But you do have problems”


He prescribed me an anti-psychotic drug

For my “mood swings”

For my “hypochondria”

For my “delusions”


When I returned home with that bottle of pills

My husband picked it up

Roared in laughter

And announced

“I knew you were crazy”

And that’s when I began to think

Maybe I am


It’s a scary thought

To suddenly be alone in a room

Writhing in pain

And begin to wonder

Is it all in my head?

Am I going insane?


I took my pills

The anti psychotic drugs

It spaced me out

But it didn’t stop the pain

It just got worse


I had to make my doctor appointments in secret

And hope my husband did not find out

I got a different doctor one day

And he ordered  an upper and lower GI

Thinking it might be an ulcer

A spark of hope

That someone might believe me

But the tests said I was fine

“They’re right”, he declared

“It is all in your head”


And my hope was gone


I would go to the emergency room

On base

When it was too horrible to bear

With my husband rolling his eyes at me

As I went out the door

Disgusted with my behavior

With my craziness


But it never mattered

They would always send me home

Telling me

“It’s all in your head”


I was frightened

I spent half my time thinking

I really had gone crazy

And the other half

Convinced I had a terrible disease

That would go undiagnosed

And kill me


I imagined dying early

My daughter never knowing me

Because she was barely one at the time


The attacks got worse

Time went on

And I never could get help

The emergency room turned me away

The dcotors were sick of seeing me

And my husband became angrier

At having to live with a crazy person


My days were long

Taking care of a baby

Wondering if I was a danger to her

Because I might be insane

Trying to feed her and change her

While simultaneously living in pain


Some mornings it would hit me right away

And I would be laying on the couch

Begging for help

I was sure i would die

And my husband would walk out the door

On his way to work saying

“Stop it! You’re crazy!! It’s all in your head!!”


One year later

It had all but consumed me

I remember one morning laying on the couch

Trying to scrunch myself into a position

That might kill the pain

I could barely move

I would just cry and pray for God to heal me

Pray for Him to help cure me

From whatever was wrong with me

Even if it was just being insane


I could barely care for Savannah

And I remember her crawling into the kitchen one day

And pulling the bread down from the counter

To feed herself

While I lay there

Writhing in pain

And she would crawl over to me

And rest her little head on mine

And say



Why does it always seem

That Savannah is the one

Having to take care of me

Instead of the other way around


I’ll never forget

The worst attack I ever had

16 months into this nightmare

It was late at night

Savannah was sleeping in her crib

My husband was upset with me

For always pretending to have pain in my stomach

And being “crazy”

He told me to get out

Because he didn’t want to hear me moan in pain anymore


So I went to the bathroom

I laid there by the toilet

I scrunched my body up as tight as I could

To try and minimize the pain

And then I opened my Bible

And read the Psalms


That’s when the Psalms changed my life

Because if you have ever read them

They’re about David

And many times

He’s going through some serious trials


He’s under attack

And He’s begging God to save him

But not just that

He is asking God

Where are you???


He’s being real with God

And just saying

Don’t you hear me??

Have you abandoned me??




My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.

Psalm 22: 1-2

I had never realized before

That people in the Bible

Who have reputations for great faith

Felt those things too

Had those doubts

That they voiced them


That they said

“God where are YOU???”

Maybe I had thought asking Him that

Would be disrespectful

But when I read those words

“Why have you forsaken me?”

I recognized them

The very same words were said by


He said them

While broken and bruised

Bleeding and dying

While hanging on the cross

About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice

 “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Matthew 27:46

I wasn’t alone

I wasn’t the only one who had felt this way

David had

Jesus had

Did God even care?

Had He abandoned me?

Because I spent every day

Living in pain

And wondering

If I was insane

I had begged God for help

But the pain was still there

And now I lay there

Bonding with David and Jesus

Who had felt the same way

At the dark hours of their life


I knew then it was ok

It was ok for me to feel that way

And for me to tell God what was in my heart

No matter what it was


God spoke to me

Through the Psalms

That night

And in the coming months

It was the only book I would read

Just the Psalms

Day and Night


Through my fears

Fear that I was dying

Fear that I was sick

Fear that I was crazy

The Psalms spoke to me

And He walked me through it


I began to sense

That even in my darkest hour

He was with me

Because there is no way I could have

Lived through that level of physical pain

Without Him


Psalm 22 asked

God where are you?

Psalm 23 answered

I am with you



Got Fear.001


I felt that I was

Walking through the valley

Of the shadow of death

I felt I was

Walking through the valley

Of insanity


Sometimes the pain would go away for awhile

A week would go by and I’d think it was gone

But then unexpectedly it would come back

I could go no where without worrying it would happen


If we went out as a family somewhere

To the mall

And suddenly the pain came on

I would get in trouble

For ruining the day

With my craziness


After a year and a half of this

I no longer knew

If anything was real

I took my antipsychotic drugs daily

I did the best I could to take care of my child

And I prayed through the pain


I apologized to my husband

For being an embarrassment

And I would leave the room

When the visible looks of pain on my face

Annoyed him too much

I felt sorry for him

That he had to live

With a psychotic wife


Finally the Army moved us to Florida

And we lived off base

About 30 minutes away

The pain was getting worse

It had been 18 months since it started


18 months of living with this pain

Living with the fear

That I was crazy

And it was ruining my life


I no longer trusted myself

I no longer knew what was real

Doctors prescribed me anti psychotics

My husband suggested

We flip the mattresses of the bed

And lean them against the walls

So I’d feel “more at home”

In a padded room

Where I belonged


One night the pain was so bad

I thought I would pass out

I knew I was going to die

So I went to call an ambulance


Put down the phone” he said

As he ripped it from my hands

“I’m not paying for an ambulance because you’re crazy”

But I knew something was wrong

This time was different

I couldn’t take it anymore

The pain was too severe


I crawled to the phone

I begged him to give it back to me

I begged him to call an ambulance

But he just threw the keys at me

The JEEP Keys

Because he knew I had anxiety about driving the Jeep

And he said

“If you want to go to the hospital, drive yourself”


It was dark

It was night

I had not been allowed to drive very often

So driving the jeep panicked me

I did not know my way around the new city

And we lived 30 minutes away

But I had to go


So I drove myself there

In excruciating pain

Pulling over several times

Worried I might pass out


And finally I made it

And pulled the jeep up

Halfway on the sidewalk

Because I could barely steer

I could barely see where I was going

The pain worse than ever this time


I barely made it through the doors

Of the emergency room

Before collapsing

It was my first time ever being seen

At the emergency room

On the new base

Since we had moved

And this time

They didn’t turn me away


The doctors were different

They listened to my symptoms

They did an ultrasound

Something no one had done before

And they discovered

I had gallstones


All that time

For 18 months

I was gaving gallbladder attacks

And finally I knew




They gave me morphine


The doctor validated

That my pain was real

And it felt like

A dream


To finally have a doctor tell me

You are not crazy

You are not insane

Your pain is real

It was like a gift from above


But the doctor’s face

Told me more than that

From the looks of the ultrasound

It was bad


She stood next to me

She held my hand

And then she said

That she had no idea

How I had withstood that level of pain

For that long


I cried

I held her hand and cried

Because I knew EXACTLY how I had lived through it

And I knew Who had walked me through it


The surgeon came immediately

And he was irate

Not at me

But at the situation

He said it was the WORST case

Of gallstones that he had ever seen


He told me

People can actually die from that

But no one does anymore

Because it’s so easily diagnosed

Unless it goes untreated


And then yes…

You can die


He wrote a letter to the former base

Chastising them for having missed it

For letting me go so long

In that state


I had surgery right away

And that surgeon took out the gallstones

And put them in a container

Walked out into the waiting room

And handed them to my husband

SEE…he said

She WASN’T crazy


When I got home from the hospital

I put that clear container

Full of my gallstones

Right on the dresser


And then I stuck a post it note

Right on it

That said


Right in the center


I wish I could say

That it lasted

That it was the last time

I was accused of being crazy

But it wasn’t


I would be accused

Of being crazy

Anytime I was ever sick

It was always my fault

It was always in my head

“I know you better than anyone”

“And I know you’re crazy”

If someone tells you enough times

That you’re crazy

You start to believe them


The “you’re crazy” campaign ramped up

During my divorce

People I did not even know

People I had never met

Friends of his

Would call and tell me

I was crazy


One time

Some friends of his

Called and asked me

If I had a thesaurus

Because I should use it

To look up all the synonyms

For Crazy

Because that’s what I was


It’s something I will always deal with

On some level

That voice in the back of my head

That makes me question myself

That voice I hear telling me

That I’m crazy


It could be something physical

Like a headache

Or it could be an idea I have

Where I hear that voice again

That tape replaying of the words I heard

For so many years

Only someone like you

A crazy person

Would come up with an idea like that


But when I feel that way

The Psalms are still there

To calm me and say

“Be Still and Know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10)


When I hear that voice

Telling me once again

You’re crazy

I bring it to God

And I ask him straight

Am I crazy, Lord?


“Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my thoughts” (Psalm 139:23-24)


I apply that Psalm to the situation

And then I know

He’s got it under control

So no need to worry

If I’m the crazy one

He’ll let me know 🙂


I learned something in the midst of that storm

I learned to appreciate life

Because for 18 months

I thought I was dying


I learned

Life is precious

You never know when you are going to go

So be ready

Because it could be right around the corner


I learned to be grateful for the last 16 years

I have had with my daughter

Because once upon a time

I thought I’d die

Before she turned two


I have learned to be thankful for doctors

Who take the time

To find out what is wrong with you

Instead of just saying

It’s all in your head


But most of all

I learned this

Even in the storms of life

God is there


I read ALL of the Psalms

During those 18 months


They comforted me in my time of deep sadness

In my time of great despair


When no one was there

When I was being told I was insane

When I was alone

He was there


There is not much

That can make me feel as crazy

As having to say no to cupcakes

Because giving up food

Induces panic attacks

My mind races

And once again

I ask myself

Am I going insane?


But I call on this time in my life

To remember

That no matter how deep I go

Into that rabbit hole

Even when I question my own sanity

He is there

Walking me through it


That was one of the most

Traumatizing periods of my life

But I know now looking back

That God was with me


Because I lived with a level of pain

For 18 months

That even the surgeon told me

Was unbelievable to tolerate

Without medication


When I face new trials

New pains

New voices that tell me

I’m crazy

I look back on those days

And I know

He is with me

I learned that in the valley

I learned that in the pain


And because of that

I know that even now

He will be with me still

Because He loves me

Just like He loves you


psalm 18.001

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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Blessed Mom July 10, 2013 at 8:21 pm

My husband made me feel crazy when I accused him of having an affair. This went on for 6 years. Every time I would have a feeling that he had contact with her again, he would tell me it was all in my head. He would turn it back on me and make me feel like I was the one trying to break up our marriage. It was a horrible six years. We had 4 children in that 6 years and they were the only reason I stayed.

Finally after 6 years, he admitted his affair. Like you, I suddenly realized I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t all in my head. My feelings were real. Since he admitted his affair, I have gained over 60 pounds. I am still broken. We are still married. He is no longer the man he was. God changed him and I am so thankful. My problem is that I still have feelings of not being good enough. He had an affair when I was younger, skinnier, healthier and only 8 months after we were married. Now I am a fat wife with a herniated disk and I feel like I can’t do anything.

I am inspired by your blog. I read it and I think I can do this. But then I go back to my thinking of not being able to do it just as fast. I feel the pain in my back and don’t want to make it worse with exercise, although I know the main reason it hurts so bad is because of my weight.

Thank you for being so open and honest. I appreciate you.


Faith July 10, 2013 at 8:25 pm

Sometimes…when I read the things your ex husband said to you..I wish for him to be someone’s “girl friend” in prison…just for a week.

As far as the gallstones goodness, I am in shock that you were ABLE to even live with that for 18 months! I had my gallbladder out 12 years ago and the attacks were a nightmare. I would rather give birth WITHOUT medication 10 times over than go through a gallbladder attack again. And the weird part for usually about 4 to 5 times a year, I get phantom attacks…it feels like you are having a heart attack WHILE someone jams a knife into your diaphragm and out the other side of your back while twisting it simultaneously.


Pam July 10, 2013 at 9:04 pm

Oh Holly–the more I read about your life–the more amazed I am at how strong you have been and how very, very SANE you are to have made it through all that. When I was reading the very beginning of the blog, right away I thought…GALLSTONES. I know how common that is after childbirth. I cannot believe those doctors missed it for 18 months! And the day your husband walked out is the second best day of your life Holly. (The first best being the day you decided to change your life with WLS.) Having him gone, even though terrifying and traumatic at the time I’m sure, had to have been a huge relief as well. What a horrible man he was. I have had bouts with kidney stones over the years. My husband has never been anything less than sympathetic and helpful and would never make me drive myself to the ER. I’m glad you have someone new in your life now, hopefully a man who is more caring and giving than your ex, who as far as I can tell, was SUB-human!!!
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Lauri July 10, 2013 at 9:05 pm

I’ve had gallstones and know the pain you describe. It is unreal that they did not diagnose you right away when you described the pain! I hope those doctors are no longer practicing because they couldn’t diagnose a common cold.


Marc July 10, 2013 at 9:27 pm

Holly as I started reading I almost instinctively knew it was going to end with gallstones. Because I had a very similar experience from 1979 to 1980. My first attack was almost a full year before I was hospitalized. The pain was so intense in the ball shaped pain in my upper abdomen that I literally sweat blood where the pain was most intense. (YES it is real…sweating blood is called Hematidrosis.) Anyway, by the time an emergency room doctor got around to seeing me, the pain had subsided, and he downplayed anything serious because of my youth (I was 22 years old).

Well, the attacks continued every few weeks and became longer in length/sessions. I was treated like a faker trying to get out of working at my job. Finally…I had an attack so severe it would not subside and I was hospitalized. I was given morphine injections every 4 hours for 96 hours until I had a bruise the size of Texas on my hinny. A week later an upper G.I. specialist determined my gallbladder had burst and my 16 stones were embedded in my liver. My urine was the color of Coca-Cola and I had yellow jaundice. Surgery finally saved my life. Thanks for reminding me that many people in our lives are fair weather friends and too often Doctor’s only think they know everything. Glad you lived through it.
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Paula July 10, 2013 at 9:31 pm

<3 for blessing me with your testimony every time you tell something about yourself…. especially when I see me in you..


Staci July 10, 2013 at 10:10 pm

My mom had all that with her gallstones. And yes, it can kill you. She would vomit and barely be able to speak. I am SO SORRY that you went through that. How aggravating and awful! But I am SO HAPPY that a new doc in a new location listened to you and you were able to throw gallstones in your ex’s face. I swear, I think I’d ship those things over to Japan right this very day with a post-it note on it affirming you aren’t crazy. Oh, and copy a page of synonyms of that word out of the thesaurus, too. Wait…. maybe that sounds a little too crazy???? LOL 🙂 Yes, God has always been there for me, even during the darkest and worst of times. Sometimes I guess I get incontent with Him and what He has planned for me, but when I look back on things I can honestly say He has NEVER failed me!
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Anele @ Success Along the Weigh July 10, 2013 at 11:37 pm

I knew before I even got 1/4 of the way through your post what you suffered from. I went through the same thing in 1998 after 6 months of ultrasounds, tests, heptobiliary scans, etc I was referred to a neurologist who declared me “hysterical” (was it the stone ages!? Isn’t that what they called women who were sexually active back in the 1800’s or something?) I politely told him to shove it up his ahem and how was that for hysterical. I finally found a GI specialist who ran one more GI scan and caught my gall bladder in the middle of shutting down. They told me to let them know the next time I had a really bad attack and I made sure I had one rather quickly so I could get that thing out! Six months was long enough.

Because of the constant tests, being told nothing was wrong and all that, I developed anxiety that manifested physically. (Dizziness, extreme nausea, headaches, pains, etc) The GI doctor prescribed 5mg of Elavil (an anti-depressant but not used for that purpose. A dosage for anti-depression is typically 150mg or more.) He said this hazed the part of my brain that triggered the nausea. Thankfully I only had to be on it for a year and weaned myself off and only now have a “yak attack” every two years or so if I’m under EXTREME stress that breathing techniques can’t control.

So glad you got the help you deserved and if I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…there’s a special place in Hell for your ex.

If any of Holly or my story’s sound familiar…FIGHT!! Find a good GI specialist…one that cares. One that is known for bucking tradition and practices outside the box. It’s NOT in your head!!
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Heather C July 11, 2013 at 1:56 am

Here’s your replacement for the term “crazy”! SURVIVE (SURVIVAL,SURVIVOR): endurance, nourishment, nurture, living, livelihood, going through thick and thin, continuing through the ages, enduring, outlive, outlast, persist, get through, succeed, win over, live through, hold one’s footing or ground, and last, but not least…keep body and soul together. Synonym: HOLLY.

The only “crazy” walked out the door 7 years ago and, while you didn’t know it in the moment, THAT was Jesus calling.


Sheryl C. July 11, 2013 at 3:07 am

I’m so sorry you had to walk through this, but so glad God was there with you and you allowed Him to work in you through it. It takes a very strong person to do that. I’m also very happy that you are free from that abusive man. I came out of an abusive marriage 9 years ago — but never anything so bad as this — and I know, even though it hurts, you finally have a chance to heal. And you are. I am very proud of you, my sister in Christ.
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Rockin' Mama July 11, 2013 at 12:40 pm

For many years after the birth of my last child, I suffered with such severe postpartum depression that it was all I could do to function normally. My OB told me to “just forget about all that stuff, and I would be just fine”, but I was never “just fine”. I thought I was the worst person in the world to not be able to appreciate all the blessings I had; instead, I was in physical and mental pain to the point that I thought I was losing my mind. I would beg doctors to help me, but they couldn’t find anything wrong with me. Finally, in desperation, one of my doctors sent me to an infectious disease doctor who was supposed to be the best in the area; I had hope for the first time in a long time. That doctor was so mean to me that I started crying in his office, then he told me that nothing was wrong with me, that I was depressed and needed to see a psychiatrist. I felt my life was over; I was a loser, for sure. Then something miraculous happened: I read an article in Good Housekeeping that told about a test for thyroid disease that is usually not used (T3/T4 count), but was better at showing a problem than the regular testing does. I asked my cardiologist (I had problems with my heart racing, and was in and out of emergency rooms) to have this test done; he called me on that Thanksgiving Eve to tell me I had a definite thyroid problem and needed to get on medication. To make a long story short, after having 20 years of suffering, I was put on thyroid medication and depression medication, and I was a new person! I could make good decisions, think clearly, and not be “crippled” day in and day out with pain! God never left me; He loved me through each and every bad decision I made during that time, and He carried me in His arms when I could barely stand up by myself. He will do that for everyone of us; He never gives up on us, even when we see no hope. I love what Heather C said about survivors, because that is truly what we are, and we have to encourage each other. Thanks for all the encouragement you send through your posts, and God bless you and your family! Love, D


Sheila July 11, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Oh my goodness Holly, that is horrible! I had my gall bladder taken out about 14 years ago and I STILL remember the pain to this day. I was lucky and only took about 4 months to get diagnosed and that was WITHOUT my husband and doctors telling me I was crazy. I’ve had 2 kids (one of them a 9lb baby without drugs) and I would take childbirth any day over gall stone pain. Hugs to you. I love what you did with the jar of stones.
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Steelers6 July 11, 2013 at 10:38 pm

The abuse you have suffered is heartbreaking. I suspect your horrible ex had some rank perhaps & influence over the medical staff at that base. It sounds like they were controlled by him. In any case, they were ridiculously far from professional! So glad the Dr in FL sent that chastising letter that was quite deserved.

Ironic too, I think I’ve said before–how in reality HE is the crazy one. Very, very sad, & I am so sorry that that was your life for too long. SO sorry. I wonder how anyone who has to work with, or associate with him can stand his presence. Arrogant & psycho.

I hate that the kids are exposed to this abusive individual; even the obligatory once a year or whatever it equals. Good thing he is no longer under the same roof as they. SO glad they have a caring, loving mother.
XO Chrissy


Zach July 13, 2013 at 1:50 am

Thank you for this post, it was very humbling to me. I aspire to be a doctor one day and your account sounds like the most horrible thing I can imagine. I pray that I never turn someone in pain away and try to tell them it is all in their head. To become a callous physician who cannot even tell when someone is experiencing a medical crisis means that they have lost the right to practice Medicine.

To refuse someone complete care because of preconceived notions, I must write this lesson on my heart. No matter how many times someone comes to me, no matter what my perception of them, I MUST give them the best care every single time.

I feel like I get a different message from your posts than other readers, but I still feel like I have learned volumes. I have read every post and every word since the beginning and I find your journey inspiring.
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robin July 14, 2013 at 12:29 am

I never met your crazy husband but I cant stand him! What a horrible little person to treat you so badly. Im sorry you had to go thru that.


Crayl July 14, 2013 at 2:54 am

From your first description of pain I thought “Gallstones/ Gall bladder”. I am so sorry for your struggle. And you are seriously better off than with someone so unsupportive and abusive.
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robin July 16, 2013 at 12:16 pm

I really want to know what does your ex think of the new you? This must be a hard pill to swallow for Prince charming 🙂


Living 400lbs May 15, 2014 at 2:54 am

* Does your partner make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
* Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger?
* Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?


One partner completely rules the relationship and makes the decisions. This includes “checking up” on the victim, timing a victim when they leave the house, checking the odometer on the car, questioning the victim about where they go. They may also check the victim’s cell phone for call history, their email or website history. The abuser may control the finances and tries to tell the victim how to dress, who to talk to, and where to go.

The abuser says cruel and harmful things to their victim, degrades them, curses at them, calls them names, or puts down their accomplishments. The abuser tells their victims they are stupid, and unable to function without them. They embarrass and put down the victim in front of others as well.

I’m glad you’re not with him anymore.
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