Ego

July 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve really been struggling the past few months

I felt like I had really arrived

Here I am walking in stores and finding any clothes I want

A size 12 for me is a dream come true

A medium shirt many times is beyond my wildest dreams

I get compliments all the time from people I don’t know

I get hit on by people 20 years younger than me

Suddenly I’m on top of the world, right?

For this once invisible woman

It’s been a big change

And I slowly let up on myself

I started enjoying the benefits

Without putting the sacrifice in anymore

I decided to ride the wave

To sit back and celebrate all my hard work

Without continuing to do many of the things that got me here

One thing I’ve really let up on is my morning prayer time with God

I didn’t mean for it to happen

I don’t even remember how it happened

At first I missed a day here or there

And before I knew it—I just started slacking off

I’ve been pretty scared the past few days

Because I realized I had gained almost 10 pounds

My clothes are getting tight

And my appetite is back

Back with a vengeance

Suddenly I’m hungry when I wake up

First thing in the morning

And that only happens when my appetite is really taking control

I feel weak

Weak to fight temptation

And it’s frightening

I don’t ever want to go back

I can’t go back

I don’t want to be that woman who was whipped into submission by food

I don’t want to be that mother who couldn’t get out of a recliner without assistance

Who could barely walk

Who could barely take care of her own children

The very idea that this could happen to me

That I could go back to that life

Scares the HELL out of me

And that’s how I feel

And it produces a lot of anxiety

Something I already struggle with

So I did the only thing I knew to do

I started praying

I asked God to please show me the way

Please help me get back on track

And in that moment, He brought to my attention

An area of my life that I conveniently forgot about

And it’s the fact that I’m weak where food is concerned

It’s the thorn in my side

It’s my Achilles Heel

It’s that one thing in my life that I will never be able to control on my own

I didn’t lose 240 pounds because of weight loss surgery

I didn’t lose it because I work out

I didn’t lose it because I eat low carb

All of those things were tools that helped me

But on their own they could never be enough

Even having 85% of my stomach removed from my body

IS NOT ENOUGH

Because look at how long it takes me to gain back 10 pounds

NO TIME AT ALL

Even with that much of my stomach absent

It’s just not enough

WITHOUT GOD

He is my Rock

He is the One who gives me the inner strength to follow through

And yet I haven’t devoted the time to Him that I have in the past

I’ve even been missing church at various times

Not being as active as I was before

What’s going on here??

Has my ego so taken over in my success

That I’ve forgotten the One who I owe it to?

I knew from the start that I would never be able to do this on my own

That the only One who could keep me glued together was Him

That’s why I make every effort to give him the credit for what I’ve accomplished

Because I know deep down inside—IT”S NOT ME

And yet I forgot

Because I’ve drifted away

I used to get up every morning at 5 am and spend an hour listening to worship songs

Talking to God

And reading  my Bible

I did that as soon as my feet hit the floor

Because I KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt

Without His help, I was utterly up the creek

But here I am now acting as if I’ve done this on my own

I’ve been trying to get back on track using all the strategies I know

I’ve been trying to get myself back together by detoxing with my shakes

And exercising

But still the struggle feels overwhelming suddenly

Until I spent time in prayer and God brought back to my mind the most important thing of all

It’s what Paul discovered in 2 Corinthians when he discussed his own personal struggles

 

2 Corinthians 12:6-15

The Message (MSG)

If I had a mind to brag a little, I could probably do it but I’ll spare you. I don’t want anyone imagining me as anything other than the fool you’d encounter if you saw me on the street or heard me talk.

7-10 Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

 

I too was given a weakness

A limitation

Something that in spite of even surgery

I will never overcome or keep under control

Without His strength carrying me through

It will never be taken from me

I will never be “cured”

But instead God will use it to prove to me His strength

He will be the One to get the credit

Not me

And so now I realize what I have to do

Before the shakes and the walks and the strategies I employ

To help me lose weight

I must go back to the main strategy that has never let me down

I must get re-focused on the One who has been by my side from the start

The One whose love carried me through the pain

He will get me through this

And I am glad it happened

Because  I know I can never go very far from him

Not if I want to maintain any success

This weakness I have

Is also the very thing that will keep me on my knees

Keep me close to the One I need more than anything else

And if that’s what keeps me coming back to Him

Then I can’t regret it

I can’t despise even this struggle that I have

Because it keeps me remembering that His strength is made perfect

In my weakness

And the weight I lose

Every pound He removes

Is due to His loving kindness

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

sunnydaze July 25, 2013 at 2:36 pm

What a beautiful post and I wholeheartedly agree. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. <3

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Linda July 25, 2013 at 3:56 pm

What a beautiful and love filled post Holly. Thank you!
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annamarie July 25, 2013 at 5:43 pm

So true….So true
annamarie recently posted..Been keeping myself busyMy Profile

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Nicola July 25, 2013 at 11:26 pm

Whoa, Holly, don’t be so hard on yourself! You’ve recognised that you haven’t been as diligent as you could be lately and are taking steps to do all of the things that helped you get this far, including reconnecting with God. It’s going to be okay, so take a moment to breathe. In. Out. You absolutely CAN do anything you set out to do, including losing those 10 pounds 🙂

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Laine July 26, 2013 at 12:31 pm

Holly,
You “can’t go back” and you WON’T go back! A problem named is a problem solved, and you have courageously named aloud to all of us the problem. Deservedly, you celebrated your achievement, and you thought, you hoped, you believed, that you would no longer struggle. How devastating to find out that your struggles are not over. But how wonderful it is that you have an awareness of this and are determined to reemploy your tools after only less than a 10 pound gain. And you, through your inspirational honesty and beautiful writing, have built a network of readers to strengthen your circle of support; we are sending you our thoughts and prayers. It WILL get easier again.

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Peggy July 26, 2013 at 1:09 pm

Thank You for being so open and honest and tying it back to God the words you spoke our my biggest fear I am in the process of doing the sleeve surgery. I have been on a lot of websites but none as honest and tie God into the process as you which is exactly what I am trying to do all those other things are just tools but God is my source so again Thank You for sharing my fear and will use this to re read should my fear come to pass. Please keep writing God is using you more then you might even know. Blessings

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Sheryl C. July 26, 2013 at 2:29 pm

I was thinking about you this morning as I was walking, Holly, so that reminded me to pray for you. You have come so far and you have so much insight. I know the feeling of where you are now. I am praying God’s strength and presence for you. I have every confidence that you will get back on a good track. Keep blogging and we will keep praying for you. Blessings.
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ErinK July 26, 2013 at 5:16 pm

Holly – thank you for your heartfelt honesty. I have the same “thorn in the side”, and without Him I am a dismal failure. As I was reading your post, John 3:3 came to mind. “He must increase, but I must decrease.” (KJV) “He must become greater, I must become less. ” (NIV) I have to be totally dependent on Him, to be literally less of me. Love and prayers for you!

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Amanda July 26, 2013 at 8:43 pm

Yup, you nailed it girl! THIS is the bottom line for us. It’s not always easy to be thankful for such a struggle. A struggle that is so humiliating, shameful, painful physically AND emotionally. But if we let God use it, it can be a gift, that keeps us close to him. Thank you for that reminder!

I remember writing in my journal a few years ago, “I will never be ‘recovered’, just more or less surrendered”. Sadly, I fell back into the food after that, and am now fighting to lose again. But it’s still very true. I will never be “over” food. I will always have this struggle, this battle going on within me. I hate it, but that’s reality. And my success depends on my dependance on God. Not turning to food for all the reasons that we do, and turning to Him instead.

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Tess July 30, 2013 at 6:56 pm

Awesome!! 😀

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