What they see

June 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

I met a man

I told you about him

I thought he was wonderful

Maybe parts of him were

But he was married

And I couldn’t believe I would even consider it

Getting involved with a married man

He was going through a divorce

And I tried to convince myself it was ok

But part of me knew something was not right

And I didn’t want to listen to that part

Because I was just SO DARN HAPPY

Because this man wanted to marry me

He told me he loved me

And I believed him

He bought me flowers every single day

And called me Princess

I thought this was my chance for the fairy tale

And if I didn’t take it

Whatever the cost

I would be alone for the rest of my life

For 7 years, I’ve been alone

With no prospects

Barely any man has shown me any attention in close to a decade

I’ve been living life as the invisible woman

Unseen

Unheard

And it hurts

I thought finally someone has shown interest in me

And I better snap it up

Because who will want me?

No one

Because I don’t believe in my heart

That anyone will

 

I talked to the head of my women’s ministry at church

And told her the whole situation

What should I do?….I wondered

But I couldn’t lie so I confessed the whole thing

Yes he was married

Yes we were involved

Yes I loved him

No I wasn’t willing to give him up

She was nonjudgemental

She listened

She prayed for God to guide me

And she gave me a hug

That’s what I like about my church

It’s a safe place

 

My friends told me

You’re holding onto him because you think he’s the only guy who will ever want you

It’s because you don’t see yourself as we do

It’s because you think you’re 400 pounds

It’s because you don’t know you’re beautiful

ME??? BEAUTIFUL??

TO WHO??

It’s true

I don’t think I’m beautiful

I think I’m a woman no man would ever want

I think I’m a woman who should be considered very lucky

That one man in 7 years finally showed her some interest

And if I want a chance at not dying alone

Then I better take it

Whatever the risk

Whatever the cost

 

I became reckless

I made stupid decisions

Because in 7 long years of loneliness

Someone finally showed up with flowers

And my brain flew out the window

I comprimised my principles

I shoved my values in the closet

I even disrupted my children’s lives to a certain extent

Because I was so eager to finally feel someone wrap their arms around me

And say “I’m here….I’ll take care of you now”

I don’t need someone to take care of me

I’ve been doing it myself for a long time

But maybe I wanted to hear it

Maybe I wanted to believe it

Maybe I wanted to take a deep breath and for once know

That there is a man in the house who loves me

 

But it became clear through prayer and God’s guiding Hand

That He was not the one

Not even close

Because he became possessive

Like he owned me

He started telling me where I could go and who I could see

He would follow me

And he started analyzing all my behavior for faults

Why are you jealous?? I wondered

But he kept telling me that men were going to show interest

The more weight I lost

So here….let me cook for you

I gained back 4 pounds in a week

I stopped going to the gym

Because I couldn’t go unless he was with me

He was so afraid someone would talk to me

Some man would want me

Don’t worry about that….I said

Trust me….NO MAN wants me

Don’t you think if they did….I would know it by now??

I’ve been divorced almost a decade

And no one has cared to speak to me in 7 years

So why would they now?

 

But my friends told me

I was wrong

Amanda said “You weren’t on the market for 7 years.  It doesn’t count.  You were in the recliner all that time”

Krystal said “You weren’t really single for 7 years.  You can’t count the years you were hiding from the world”

My stepmother said “You weren’t really single.  You’re only now getting out there.  This is the tip of the iceberg”

Patrick told me “You walk in a door and you have class.  You smile. You’re friendly.  Men see you now”

 

I wonder if it’s true

They said my self esteem is trapped in the mind of a brain that still thinks it weighs 417 pounds

And it’s true

I actually feel in my heart

That I should have to PAY someone just to be with me

That I literally should have to write them a check for being willing to hold my hand in public

That’s embarrassing to admit

But it’s true

And in my heart of hearts

I believe that about myself

That no man wants me

And no man ever will

 

Even when I weighed 417 pounds

I didn’t deserve to feel that way

I didn’t deserve to feel invisible

Because I was still ME

Only now I look different

And people don’t even recognize me

I’ve seen two people this week who had no idea who I was

And who took more than 3 minutes to fully believe me

When I said “It’s Holly Rose”

 

A part of me feels sad

Like I’ve lost myself

Like I’ve lost HER

That woman who was trapped in the prison of her body

SHE was the one who deserves all this newfound attention

Not me….

I want HER to experience what it’s like to have a man hold open the door

To have a man give her flowers

I want her to feel loved and desired at 417 pounds

But I never had that

And now I wonder if either one of us deserves it

The me of 417 pounds

Or the me…today

 

Don’t ask me how I did it

But I worked up the courage

And I broke things off with this man

The one I said I had already broken up with once

The one I said I wouldn’t talk about on here anymore

Well I’m talking one more time

For closure

I told him to leave

To just leave

Because I won’t be controlled

He said this was HIS house

That HE was the head of this household

That HE could tell me what to do

I’m not sure why he thought that

But I’ve been down that road before

Being controlled

And I won’t do it again

So I told him to go

And that’s the end of it

And with it…my dreams of that fairytale

And then the guilt that I comprimised my principles

For a dream

That I selfishly involved myself with someone I should not have

Because I was lonely

 

I spent the night crying to myself

Over the quiet silence left behind in his abscence

At the ‘knowing’ I am alone again

At the ‘believing’ no one will ever want me

At the realization that my last chance walked out the door

And then I did something I have done a few times before

I went down to that little bar and sat at the table

To order a glass of wine

And something happened

Two college boys sat down next to me

Young….24….

And one of them said I was beautiful

And we began talking

We had a nice conversation

And he made it clear he was interested in me

This young, handsome 24 year old BOY

Was interested in ME

I asked him how old he thought I was

And he said

33

HA!

I’m turning 41 THIS month

And he asked me out on a date

My my my….I thought to myself

24 years old???!

CRAZY

If I was having a midlife crisis, I might have said yes

But I think my crisis has nothing to do with midlife

It has to do with my brain catching up to my body

Learning to see myself in a new light

 

I want to believe I am beautiful

I want to believe I am worthy

I want to believe I deserve love

And I want you to believe that about yourself too

I want all of us to reach a point where we find love

But not in men

Not in some significant other

NO—that’s the problem

That’s MY problem

I’m spending too much time lately worrying what others think of me

Maybe because when I see people…they don’t know who I am

And because of that

I feel invisible all over again

I used to feel invisible because I weighed 417 pounds

And people ignored me

But now I feel invisible because I’ve lost 240 pounds

And people don’t recognize me

But either way

I’m still invisible

And sometimes I feel like a shadow of my former self

And I’m not so sure I like that

 

Am I scared I’ll leave her behind??

The woman who suffered for so long

I don’t want to betray her

Does that make any sense?

I want to see what others see when they look at me

But instead I see a booth and wonder if I’ll fit

I see a chair and wonder if I’ll break it

I still think that way

I wonder if I always will

 

There is only one out there for me

The only one who can give me what I need

Value, worth, honor, love

And it’s God

He’s the One who fills my soul with the sweetness that only His love can bring

He’s the One who loves me in the darkness and the light

He’s the One who never lives in the shadows

He’s always there

He loved me from the beginning

From 417 pounds until now

And always will

 

He’s the reason I should look in the mirror and see “Beautiful”

Because He always thought that about me

About you

And I need to remind myself of this one more time

So I don’t seek my value in men

Because they could never see me before

And now they can

But that shouldn’t matter

Because I’m me….whatever the size

And someone out there will see that one day

The real me

Because my Father in heaven already does

 

He sees me as I can never see myself

But if I try

Through His eyes

One day….I’ll believe

The truth

That we’re all beautiful in our own way

And none of us should ever feel

Invisible

 

 

 

I’m thankful that even when I fail

When I fall short

When I disappoint myself and those around me

That God is there ready and willing to take me back

The minute I call on Him

 

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

Nicola June 5, 2013 at 1:57 am

Oh Holly, I totally understand everything you’ve said in this post because for a very long time I thought that I only had value if someone else told me I did. But you do have value. You are valuable. You are worthy. You are loved. The truth is, you’re not the same person you were 2 years ago, on the inside or the outside. It’s going to take time to feel comfortable as the ‘new’ Holly because emotionally you still feel like the ‘old’ Holly, but there is a difference between letting go of the past and forgetting about it. For example, you were strong enough and smart enough to realise that this man was behaving in ways you weren’t comfortable with because you had been in a similar situation before. This time you took control because you had learned from the past and instead of him leaving you, it was your choice to ask him to leave. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard, but you had the self respect and self love to do it. Do you need someone to take care of you? No. Would it be nice if Prince Charming swept in and carried you away? Maybe, but if you’ve ever seen the Sondheim musical ‘Into the Woods’ then the happily ever after isn’t quite so happy. The truth is, as I know from my own experience, that until you truly believe that you are valuable, you are going to attract men who don’t value you. Have you ever tried making a list of all the things you love about yourself? Try looking yourself in the eye in a mirror and telling yourself what you love about you. I burst into tears the first, second and third times I tried it, but after that it was comforting and empowering to focus on the good things and to give myself permission to love myself, independent of my partner, my family and my friends. Maybe it will help you too if you choose to try it. In the meantime, give yourself a break. No one is perfect and it’s exhausting trying to be! Just be yourself, which is pretty darn special.

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Jen June 5, 2013 at 3:05 am

Holly,
You are really brave to share these experiences and your emotions out here! I don’t know if I could do it. But from some of your other posts, I know that you have so many sincere readers who have your back in the comments. I only walk in my shoes, so I can’t completely understand the challenges you face. I do know from my own struggles that I also need to learn to love myself and TRULY BELIEVE that I am worthy of it all–this struggle constantly resurfaces for me. I wanted to mention to you–with my gentlest sincerity–that when you use the words “fairy tale” and “prince charming,” I just cringe. I totally agree with those other readers–the love and self worth have to come from within, and from your faith of course. It’s just not about a fairy tale–that’s just not what life is about. It’s not all going to perfect and wonderful–ever. And the relationships that are truly meaningful and valuable take a lot of time and patience to nurture and sow. I want to say–slow down. Give yourself a chance to know yourself and the people you welcome into your life. I’ve been a ramblin, so forgive me! Thanks for sharing your experiences–your highs and lows! Sorry if I’ve lost a cohesive thought!:)

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Faith June 5, 2013 at 3:12 am

I’m thinking about you and hoping that eventually you will see what we see in you. You are a treasure of a person. Please be safe.

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Christine June 5, 2013 at 3:56 am

First, I’m glad you saw the possesiveness of *him* and dealt with it quickly. That could have turned very ugly! Second, I think you need to give yourself more time to *see* the changes in yourself and give your mind time to catch up with the changes in your body. I am dealing with grief and changes in relationships and it just overwhelms my mind if I try to deal with all of it at once. Small changes are more productive sometimes. That’s just my opinion though…
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Staci June 5, 2013 at 6:41 am

You know I’m here for you. I’m glad to read explanations, and please know that I will still be praying for you.
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Anele @ Success Along the Weigh June 5, 2013 at 11:16 am

I’m glad you realized you’re not going down that road again with a man who thinks he has the right to treat you as a possession over a human. You’ve got more work to adjust to the new you psychologically as you’re in transition. I’m in the same place in a different way. I’d like to think those of us who have lost a lot of weight will one day get there but the only people holding us back from thinking positive things about ourselves is us. People don’t understand what that mentally does to someone and how bad it skews your reality. Be flattered about the 24 year old! Take it as a sign that you are worthy. You are not betraying “her” (you)…SHE would’ve done anything to be you. You’re living the life she couldn’t…please try to enjoy it. 😉
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annamarie June 5, 2013 at 12:16 pm

Holly, no matter how many people state and say of how beautiful you are, inside and out, you are the only one who needs to see it. Perhaps all of this is happening because it is God’s way of showing and proving it to you. You know he has the best path waiting for you. Just trust him and he will carry you through it. There is someone out there for you, someone who will love you for who you are. Meanwhile, just enjoy life, accept the compliments that come your way, even from the 24 year old, (you are one sassy lady).
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Beth June 5, 2013 at 1:16 pm

Holly, I have been reading your blog for a long time. I think you are not only beautiful, inside and out, but also very, very wise. You totally did the right thing and you are too smart to be controlled anymore. This is YOUR life, and you are keeping it. WAY TO GO! I am sure it was hard, but you know you did the right thing. Plus, if we all can see your beauty, there is a guy out there who is good and kind and loving who will be blown away by it. Take good care of yourself. You are the best.

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Shannon June 5, 2013 at 1:51 pm

Holly, you are so brave! I think every woman who is overweight may have thought the things you thought – that no one would ever want you, so you have to take “your chance” when you get it. I know that I have! It’s not true, but it takes courage and strength to get over those thoughts in your head. You have a lot to work through, but after seeing what you’ve done so far… I have no doubt you will succeed! Keep trusting in the Lord!

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Tess June 5, 2013 at 2:25 pm

To tell you the truth, I’ve been worrying about this guy for a while. Something just didn’t jive. I’m glad he’s gone…I know that’s probably not the nicest thing said but you deserve better. Don’t worry about men, worry about YOU. Worry about YOUR KIDS. These are more important things. And in my opinion, no more going to the bar! 😉

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The Brown Recluse June 5, 2013 at 2:51 pm

After reading this, I deleted my FB comment of today.

Holly, I think everything you are experiencing right now is part of the healing process. You will be OK because you know Him, and I pray that He wraps His big arms of love around you and never lets you go (and He won’t, of course.)

Make a choice to believe that you are wonderful, because you are, then tell yourself that every day, until you know in your “knower” that you are the wonderful, beautiful person God created you to be.
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Paula June 5, 2013 at 3:45 pm

No man is worth suffering for, not one. I know you are hurting, but we did try and warn you. I don’t want to sound harsh but sometimes it does sound like you are about half your age. There is no perfect relationship, no prince charming, and while some tell me it’s true, I don’t believe people fall in LOVE that fast. It’s lust, it’s being IN love but that is very different from loving somebody. Are you seeing anybody professional to talk all this out with? It might be a very good idea. I think that’s the downside of losing so fast, your mind is still stuck on 417 while your body says normal. Please please don’t start hanging out in bars and drinking again, people that are in bars all the time tend to be bullshitters and drunks. I really like you Holly, you are better than that.

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Steelers6 June 5, 2013 at 5:20 pm

Wow, gf-glad this ended. You’ve been there done that; don’t need another one like that! Yikes!

I remember how he described his current wife: “aggressive and angry,
maybe not even mentally stable”. Huh. Curious. Perhaps he was describing himself.

SO glad you listened to your friends & family, & made the right decision. Ima mention that the behavior sounds quite bizarre & disturbed, & you might not be “done” with him, so BE careful!! You might have let some info slip, or maybe something was seen over that time. He might think he can come & visit the sod/grass! Should you be changing locks or phone # or anything? What about the children & their routine? I imagine you’ve been pretty straight up with them on the fact that he is not a stable person, & not to be trusted. It may sound like I am being overboard, but you really just never know. Best to be safe. You only knew him really as deep as ‘yard guy’, a lawn caretaker all these years, which is maybe same as the depth that we all get to know any person in retail, customer service, etc. Turns out there was a lot you DIDN’T know. I apologize for talking creepy talk, but I guess it’s obvious he is a creepy guy.

You is kind, you is smart, you is important!! And dear girl, you are WORTHY. Of the best life has to offer.

Makes me think all over again about what YOU would be telling Amanda or Krystal [or you kids] about their value & worth. Your speeches to them apply to YOU! Yup, hard to grasp sometimes; for me as well. I know you don’t post things here to get us all to say you are a pretty woman who takes care of herself, etc, but I think when you have come from whence you came (over 400 lbs, your childhood, bad marriage, etc.) you probably do need to keep hearing it. Over & over! I’ll bet your IRL friends are trying to tell ya! 🙂

Now be sooo careful, & I agree, no more bar stops, gf. Think about what you model in terms of what you would want for Savannah. Falling hard for a fellow she doesn’t know? Speaking to strangers at bars? (Uh, some of them come there just for pick ups ya know!)
Thanks for this update, I know it’s personal, but honestly, this one was a much needed post, serving as a relief to all of us.

YOU IS KIND, YOU IS SMART, YOU IS IMPORTANT!! AND WORTHY OF THE BEST IN LIFE!
Love, Chrissy

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Tera Gram June 5, 2013 at 5:31 pm

Paula, are you sure you didn’t mean to sound harsh? Any variation of “I told you so” is harsh and unnecessary. In fact, most of your comment was unnecessary. There is no need to kick anyone, ever, when they are down. Haven’t you learned by now that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all?
And no, you were not using constructive criticism.

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Paula June 5, 2013 at 9:22 pm

I was not kicking her or insulting her, I was telling her what I thought. I’m much older than she is, I’ve been married 40 years, if what I said made her think of the situation in a different way than I’m not sorry I said it. If she has a problem with what I said I will wait for her to tell me, it’s really not your business. I would hope somebody would tell me in the same way if I was making a big mistake.

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Tera Gram June 5, 2013 at 9:48 pm

To be clear, I didn’t say you were insulting, I said that when someone already figured out a mistake has been made, there’s no need for an “I told you so.” To top off your sting with a “your acting half your age…” was, as I said, unnecessary.

It’s anybody’s business when you made a public comment…you might get some pubic discussion.

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Rhonda W June 5, 2013 at 5:34 pm

I am so sorry that the fairy tale didn’t work out.. but he had to go! You don’t need any of that kind of control in your life. Thank goodness you have him out. I hope he doesn’t give you a problem with stalking and such. If he does, keep a log and snap a photo so you have proof if or when you need to get a restraining order. His behavior sounds like he has some real issues and they are nasty ones. Hugs to you… keep on keepin on. Prince Charming is out there and I bet he is a real hunk! lol xoxo

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Jayne June 5, 2013 at 5:47 pm

Just wanted to say….sound like your brain is now loosing it’s old identity and finding a new identity and that takes a while. So appreciate your vulnerability and transparency. Love You

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Jane June 5, 2013 at 6:18 pm

NO ONE needs a significant other that’s wants to pull them down. You had that with your husband; so glad for you that you were strong enough to make the hard choice. I don’t think you’ll be alone for the rest of your life and be happy and proud that you stood up for yourself this time! Yay for you.

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Nwunye June 5, 2013 at 6:57 pm

This poem has really blessed my life today…. Thank you for sharing your struggles, your revelations, your victory, your testimony with me! 🙂

I love you with the love of Christ,

Nwunye

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Tina June 6, 2013 at 12:58 am

First of all, Holly. I get it. We may always have that fat girl staring back at us even when our clothes look tiny in our hands. But know this: you are beautiful! Inside and out. Someone told me a few years ago that if you believe God has a plan, you have to also believe that God has people see you as you are meant to be seen. If he intends for you to be seem beautiful to a man, he will. If he wants you to seem kind or friendly to a lonely stranger he will. It helped me stop worrying about how others think I look. God will make me beautiful to those who count and need to see me that way. You are a treasure and will find what you deserve when you are ready in God’s eyes. Prayers for you!
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Cathy Jones June 6, 2013 at 1:08 am

Holly, everything is going to be alright. In God’s time he will send a the right guy, who may not call you “His Princess” but will treat you like one. You will not have to go to a bar to meet him either. You are very pretty and sweet, try not to worry, enjoy your children, family, friends and the Love of your Savior. It will all work out for your good.

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Kim June 6, 2013 at 1:32 am

What I see
I see a person is strong
I see a person who is wise
I see a person with a kind heart
I see a person who can persevere
I see a person who has a beautiful soul

Thank you for sharing your life with us, all the good and all the challenges.

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Shay June 6, 2013 at 1:45 am

I work out with a friend a lot. One day, we were jogging on side-by-side treadmills, and I asked her why she wasn’t a trainer since fitness was obviously her passion. She replied, “Me? Oh, I’d love to be a trainer. But people wouldn’t want to be trained by me. They’d look at my body and wonder what I was doing, thinking I could be a trainer.” I looked at her like she was crazy because she has a GREAT body. Then, suddenly, it dawned on me. I said, “Did you lose a bunch of weight or something?” It was the first time I’d heard her story. She had, within the past couple of years, lost and kept off about 75 pounds. But she still saw herself as the way she used to look, even though most people didn’t even believe her story until she showed her before/after pictures. I’m SO glad the guy at the bar affirmed that you are beautiful. Sure, we shouldn’t need others’ affirmation, but it sure does feel good sometimes, right?! Good for you, and keep at it, Holly!!
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Cheri June 8, 2013 at 1:16 am

Holly, it may seem our lives are very different, but I totally get this. Thank you for always being so real.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 8, 2013 at 4:24 pm

Thanks Cheri!

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katie metzroth June 14, 2013 at 9:51 pm

I’m glad you are free of that one.

I do not care for the stereotype in our society that you must be married and have children to be a success. You’re making the world a better place just by being you. Keep it up, girl! 🙂
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Jo July 15, 2013 at 7:57 am

you truly are a very brave woman and an inspiration to me…..you make me want to try harder and do more. Thank you for sharing with us – now i know i’m not alone in my struggle against weight loss AND loneliness.

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