One Day They’ll Know…

June 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve felt absolutely homicidal over a piece of food

That I was absolutely sure I couldn’t live without

 

Before I had weight loss surgery

Back when I was over 400 pounds and could barely walk without pain

I would drive to the grocery store and send Savannah inside to get my “drugs”

Otherwise known as 3 boxes of swiss cake rolls

2 gallons of mint chocolate chip ice cream

and

5 bags of Reeses Peanut Butter cups

 

But one day she came back to the car

With exactly ONE gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream

Everything else was right

Except the ice cream

I said TWO GALLONS….not one

And I knew….

I JUST KNEW

She had done it on purpose

That she had brought back ON PURPOSE only one gallon

 

WHY???

WHY did you do this??  I yelled at her

Why would you not get me what I asked for??

And she said

“I thought that I did”

But I knew

I JUST KNEW

That she was lying

And I was not about to leave that parking lot

Until she went BACK in to the grocery store

And got me what I had asked for

 

So back she went

Unhappily I will say….

And when she returned

We drove home in total silence

As I was just fuming

That she had tried to jip me out of my food

Because the food was my drug

It was my security

I needed it

I didn’t want to need it

BUT I NEEDED IT

And I could no longer get to the food very easily on my own

Now I had to depend on Savannah to run in and do it for me

And it’s scary to depend on others for something

You NEED

Because not only are you dealing with overwhelming cravings

Now you have fear too

Fear you won’t get the food you crave

 

When we got home, I asked her

Why did you do that?”

And she told me…again…that she didn’t mean to

That she really thought she’d gotten what I wanted

But that was a lie and I don’t like being lied to

And the thought of someone trying to tear me away

From my food

Was more than I could take

 

Well I’m not having it I tell you!!!

NO ONE is going to mess with my food!

It’s the one thing that’s keeping me going

And it’s the one thing I can turn to when I’m anxious or depressed

So don’t screw with my food

Don’t touch it

Don’t eat it

And definitely don’t “forget” it

I wasn’t letting up

 

It was like some alternate personality had been created in that moment

That moment when I felt threatened by the very idea

That the person I was depending on to bring me my food

Was not going to provide it reliably

And so there we were

A stand off

Because I was NOT letting it go

You tell me why you did it! RIGHT NOW!”

And then she did

 

Well Mom….the truth is….I thought maybe you wouldn’t notice

And I thought maybe one gallon would be enough

Because you told me to help you on your….

DON”T SAY IT

DON”T YOU DARE SAY IT…

“D-I-E-T….”

Yep she said it….

If I want your help, I’ll ask for it” I said

“But you did, Mom”, she replied

OK CLEARLY I asked you for your help BEFORE……

Before I went OFF the diet

And until I go back ON the diet

I don’t want your help

Ok…she said….

And retreated to her room

No doubt to ponder the inner workings of my mind

And how delusional I can be

And why someone could view not getting an extra gallon of ice cream

Such a traumatic event

That they’d split personalities over the situation

And become a raging lunatic

 

That’s a memory I hope Savannah forgets

Or at least I hope it sinks to the bottom

And doesn’t become one of the top 10 things she remembers me by

Because Savannah and I have many other memories

Like when I took her to the park or the museum or that concert

Or planned a birthday party for her

And took her to Sea World to swim with the dolphins

There are any number of wonderful memories she can choose from

More good than bad

But I wonder if this is the one she’ll cling to

 

Because that day  in the car

I behaved  like a child having a temper tantrum

She was the adult

And I was the child

It happens

Sometimes parents act like the kids

And the kids act like the grownups

Our own version of Freaky Friday I suppose

 

Parents are people too

Human

Utterly human

And imperfect

So there….

 

I’ve been like this with food

It’s ridiculous if you want to know the truth

The way I can regress to a 3 year old child

Having a fit over not getting any ice cream

The way I can split into some embarrassingly dramatic

Drama Queen

Because someone ate the last brownie

I’ve hidden food in my purse and my car and my drawer

Just to keep anyone else from getting what’s mine

MINE!!

MINE!!

Yep….the 2 year old inside of me is hungry

ALL THE TIME

And she’s a real piece of work

 

One of the things I love

About finding freedom from food

Is not having that unruly, temperamental toddler inside of me

Come out spitting in every direction

At those who might try to take a bite of her pie

 

When I’m not on sugar

I don’t behave this way

And I say “on” sugar

Because I view it like crack

And when I’m ON it

I’m like any drug addict who will do just about anything to get the next “hit”

Sugar’s my crack

And those little girls outside Walgreens may be dressed in cute girl scout uniforms

But to me

They’re peddling crack

Because that’s what it is to me

And when I’m “on” it

I’m not ME

I’m this lunatic who will scream at her child

In the parking lot of the grocery store

And not speak to her all the way home

And then interrogate her for 10 minutes in the kitchen

Because she brought out only one gallon of ice cream instead of two

 

Sugar will light a fire in your appetite

That burns forever

At least that’s what it does to me

And I’m glad to be off it

Because I’m much nicer

And calmer

And less SCARY without sugar!

 

But sugar isn’t always to blame for my bad mood

Sometimes circumstances come at me

Before I can get out of bed

Like today

When I stepped on dog poop

Right away

As soon as my feet hit the floor

Which was NOT a good start

And when I walked into the bathroom I slipped on dog pee

And I fell HARD

And there I was with poop on my foot and pee in my hair

And I didn’t even have on my glasses yet

So I was blind too

 

But I got off the floor

And wiped the poop off my foot

And the pee out of my hair

Then went into the hallway

Where I promptly stepped on a lego

And if you’ve never stepped on a lego

Then I can’t describe the pain

But trust me

IT HURTS

 

I’d had enough of this day before I even made it to the coffee pot

But then I finally did make it to the coffee pot

Only the water part was empty

So I had to refill it

And when I went to refill it, I dropped it

And water spilled all over me and the floor

So I had to go get a towel

Only I couldn’t find one

NOT A SINGLE TOWEL IN THE WHOLE HOUSE

So I wondered

Who broke into my house and stole ONLY the towels??

 

And that’s when I just couldn’t take it anymore

I went flying into Savannah’s room and screamed

WHERE ARE THE TOWELS???

But she didn’t know either

And then Annabelle came out and said

“I decided to wash them”

ALL OF THEM??

Yes she said

 

Apparently Annabelle decided to take every single towel in the house

Clean or dirty

And wash them

ALL TOGETHER

AT ONCE

No matter how hard she had to cram them into the washing machine

No matter what color they were

And that was it

I was done with this day

 

FORGET IT!!! …I said

And told the kids I wasn’t taking them to Tae Kwon Do today

Because why should I??

I mean you guys want me to take you to Tae Kwon Do

But you don’t bother to pick up the dog poop off the floor

Or clean up the dog pee

Or refill the water thing in the coffee maker for me?

And now I don’t have a towel!

SO FORGET IT

And I went to my room and shut the door

But then I felt guilty

 

Because why should my kids pay for the dog’s mistake?

And really it was no one’s fault that I stepped on dog poop

Except the dog’s fault of course

And the poop was in MY room

So it’s not like they saw it and didn’t pick it up

Although one of them could have let the dog out when she needed to go…

But now I’m going backwards…so never mind

And the coffee pot?

Well I’m the only one drinking coffee in this house

So why would they notice it needed more water?

And Annabelle was just trying to help with the towels

Regardless of her methods

But there you go….

Another great memory for the books

 

I hope my kids will remember the good times

More than the bad

I hope they’ll remember the fun we’ve had

The laughs and the smiles

More than the raving lunatic their Mom sometimes is

I hope they don’t grow up and think

Who was that crazy lady that raised us??….”

Because as humans we tend to remember the bad over the good sometimes

And I know this bothered my mom too

She would often say to me

“I wish I could have done better for you, Holly”

And remember the times she felt like a failure

I’d say…”Stop it Mom!!! Don’t think like that!”

But there were other times

I was the one remembering the bad times

Saying “Well Mom if you had just done this or that for me…then maybe….”

Yep—we do it to them too

Holding over their head what they may have done that we didn’t like

Especially in the teen years

Because I know I said that a lot as a teenager to my Mom

But that’s when Mom would say

One day you’re going to have kids, Holly, and then you’ll know…

Know WHAT?…I would ask

“KNOW….she’d say….JUST KNOW”

And now I get it

Now I know…

 

Because parents aren’t perfect

We make mistakes

We step on dog poop

And legos

And PMS and hunger take over

We want to be Mrs. Cleaver and Mrs. Brady

But instead we resemble the Hulk

Turning colors and roaring with rage

Because someone cooked the last waffle

And we wanted it

 

I hope my kids remember the good times more than the bad

But even if they don’t

I have one last hope

It’s what my mother told me

Maybe one day THEY will have kids

And they’ll know

Know what??

Oh…you know…

JUST KNOW

 

 

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

MyFatPublicSecrets June 28, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Thanks for writing this Holly. This one came at the perfect time for me. I’ve been feeling so guilt about my lack of patience and my amazing talent of freaking out about things. I feel like I’m squashing that beautiful childish joy all the time. I needed to hear this. -MyFatPublicSecrets

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Sue June 28, 2013 at 8:48 pm

I can 100% relate to everything in this post today! Gave me an “ouch” and a chuckle all at once!

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Faith June 28, 2013 at 9:19 pm

I have chills…this resonates so well with me. And on a different level in a way…I too think I have issues with sugar but I can resist and go without it for a month at a time (if I try really hard). However, when I do decide to take that first bite, I have to..no NEED to finish all of it (even if I feel sick). And when I’ve let sugar back into my life for a few days, I notice that the “rage monster” inside me is unleashed. I get so angry at things that really should only muster an eye roll at the most…but I just get rageful inside, I “see red”…I want to punch holes in walls. And then when I’m done raging, I feel tremendous guilt and remorse.
I think…”how could I do that? How could I say that?!” and so, I go and I cut, always on my left arm and in even numbers…I cut away my sins and my guilt and my fear and my worry. And then I take sugar out of my life AGAIN for the billionth time and I feel calmer. Sure, there might still be chaos going on around me but I somehow seem more equipped to deal with it….until I binge on sugar again.
It’s a very hard cycle to break and I’m not naive enough to think that “sugar is the problem” but I think it’s exacerbates it exponentially.

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Pumpkin June 28, 2013 at 10:41 pm

As I read this, and this happens a lot with your posts, I couldn’t help but feel the situations. I have had those days where everything goes wrong and you blame the people closest to you. The ones that are supposed to love you the most.

My oldest child is only 6 and she is the light of my life. I shamefully take some of my frustration out on her and overreact and later pray that she won’t hate me. In my little bit of experience with her I find that she is more likely to tell someone of the birthday parties, the special “Mommy-Daughter Days” and the art projects then the times that I yell at her.

like you I hope that when she gets older and has kids of her own that she understand like I did when I had her.
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Natalie June 28, 2013 at 11:51 pm

Oh I love this post! Sugar addicts or not, none of us are perfect and we sometimes snap. I don’t believe in smacking (how can it be right to hit someone much smaller than you who can’t fight back – isn’t allowed to fight back even if they were big enough?) but I remember one time trying to get my daughter ready for preschool and she wouldn’t get her shoes and socks on. She was having a tantrum and kicking out as I tried to force them on her and I just exploded and smacked her (hard) on the leg. She froze and I got her shoes on and dropped her at preschool, but told her teacher we’d had a fight so she might be a bit upset. I think we were both shell-shocked, I certainly was. I’d never hit her before. And it wasn’t even a reasoned smack, it was an angry hit.

I told her about this the other day (she’s nine now) and she didn’t remember it. So I guess she wasn’t scarred for life. But I’m still ashamed of myself. I’m supposed to be the adult – and a very non-violent one at that!
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Pam June 29, 2013 at 2:28 am

That was hilarious…and sorta sad. I did so much yelling when my boys were growing up, especially the older two–they’re 35 and 40 now. And they never pass up an opportunity to remind me of a time when they felt they had been punished unfairly or I wasn’t the greatest mom, and they are both parents now–so they should KNOW!! Being a parent is so hard and yet as my husband’s grandma told me once when my little boys were being particularly active, “You’ll remember these years when your kids were growing up as the best years of your life.” Wise advice from a wonderful lady. You know what–She was right!!

Sure, our kids will remember those times when we weren’t perfect parents more than we would like, but just like we do–they remember those good times too. At least I hope they do.

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LHA June 29, 2013 at 3:07 am

Hug your children tightly and enjoy the very special years you have with them now. My four are grown and live far away from me and I can’t tell you how often I think of times just like you described when I wasn’t patient or even rational with them. I know it is impossible to be the perfect parent we all want to be, but every day you have with them is precious. It is such a gift to be a mother. I, like you, hope my children remember the good times much more than the bad. They are all happy well adjusted young adults so I just hope I was an adequate mother and that I helped them reach this stage. Thanks for a great column and all the moments, both good and bad, that you share with us.

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Alisha June 29, 2013 at 3:21 pm

I don’t think it’s a “sugar” thing that brings out the inner lunatic … it’s those children, I tell ya!! 😉 Take heart that this seems to be an inherently “Mom thing” and you are not alone in regretable moments. IT sounds like you have tried hard to be a fabulous Mom … thanks for sharing!

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Josephine Cameron June 30, 2013 at 9:23 am

Dear Lord, things have been so hard. I’ve been afraid and hurting so deeply. I felt I hit rock bottom, but now I remember the other times I felt alone and hopeless, like my whole life was falling apart, but God, you brought me through everything. There is nothing I can’t handle through you – you are my strength, you are my everything! I love you and I know you will bring my family and I through these difficult times as well. I know you have great plans for my family and I thank you and love you, Lord. Jesus, I trust in you only! I thank you for our miracle, now.
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Tully June 30, 2013 at 5:04 pm

For some reason it does seem like a lot of bad memories will easily come to mind when we think about family, even though we have unconditional love for them and absolutely no hard feelings about the past. I guess it must have something to do with the way our brain works.

Recently my mum has been seriously ill and I have really noticed how all our happy and funny memories pop up at the strangest moments. The oddest things will trigger old memories of my mum and they are such a lovely little surprise and are much treasured. They are all in there, we just need to pull them out.

Also, don’t underestimate how often these tense and crazy times we have had with our families will years later turn into stories that we can all laugh over together. Maybe one day Savannah will be jokingly recounting the time her mum made her traipse back into the supermarket for that extra pint of ice cream and I am sure that any story involving dog poop will be remembered with much laughter in years to come!!!

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Tess July 1, 2013 at 9:59 pm

Oh yeah, I can TOTALLY relate!! Great post. Your kids are awesome!! We call my alter ego “The Hulk”. Seriously, I feel like I could burst out of my shirt sometimes!! More than once I’ve said “Watch it, I’m feeling Hulky today” But nowadays the difference for you and for me is we now can recognize that feeling. We may not be able to squash it, but we see it and that’s a good step in the right direction. <3

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