So here we go
I knew this post was coming
I just didn’t know when
But I’m gonna say it
I’m just gonna put it out there and say it
Obesity brings bathroom issues
Yes it does
So let’s just call it what it is
A LITERAL pain in the ass!!
Sorry…but I had to say it
I see no way around it
If there was ever something that is a giant pain in the *ss
It’s the numerous bathroom issues obesity brings to your life
So let’s take a stroll down memory lane
A day in the life of my 417 pound self in the bathroom
We’ll start with the size of toilets
NEVER BIG ENOUGH
I just finally replaced my hall toilet
It was cracked
Like all toilets I would sit on
I have broken so many toilet seats, I lost count
Not that I was counting
I literally used to carry new toilet seats around in my trunk
Just to have on hand
In case I broke a friend’s toilet seat
Because I did
ALL THE TIME
It got to the point where I would hold it as long as I could
Just to avoid ever having to use anyone else’s toilet
Because I WOULD crack it….99% of the time
I remember wishing at one point if I could just buy them cracked
Just sell it to me that way, OK????
Because why bother????
I would try and hold it in if I could
But ask an obese person to hold in their pee
You know how pregnant women always have to pee
Because the baby is pushing on their bladder?
Yeah…I know all about that because I have had 4 kids
People have a lot of sympathy for pregnant women who pee on themselves
Or have to race to the bathroom and go multiple times
But that ends after 9 months
You know what doesn’t end after 9 months???
Nope…that goes on forever
And the weight pushes on your bladder and next thing you know
You need Depends adult diapers
Only you can’t wear them because they don’t make them in your size
So you go around leaking pee
Or maybe that is just me
You need to “race” to the bathroom???
Try racing ANYWHERE at 417 pounds
Not gonna happen
I can’t tell you how many times I peed on myself at over 400 pounds
It was literally a normal occurence for me
I used to say I had a weak bladder or I was getting old
But now that I weigh 182 pounds….I don’t have that problem
I don’t have a weak bladder and 41 isn’t THAT old
What I had was a weight problem
And it brought me more issues than I ever could have imagined would come my way
So back to toilet seats
Because what we need is more problems
So first you try to fit on the toilet seat
And it slides off to the right
So you push it back in the center
And you slide off to the left
You put your right butt cheek in…..
You put your right butt cheek out….
You put your right butt cheek in and you shake it all about….
You crack the toilet seat
And it finally splits in two
That’s what it’s all about….WHOOP! WHOOP!!
It’s the Hokey Pokey Bathroom game
SO MUCH FUN!
So back to my friends house
And the last toilet seat I ever cracked
Because after that it was just too much
I mean I was breaking their chairs
Breaking their toilet seats
And I felt the need to replace them
Because it was just so embarrasing
So out I went to the trunk of my car
Popped it open
Like one of those salesman you see downtown
Selling watches out of their trunk
Only mine is full of toilet seats to replace whoever’s toilet seat I just broke
I should have had a display
Toilet seats anyone….
Just take your pick!!
Come one….come all!
But I did more than that in my hall bathroom at home
I literally cracked the entire back of the toilet itself
We sealed it up the best we could
I mean you can’t go around buying new TOILETS
Toilet seats aren’t too expensive
But the toilet itself???? UGH
At one point I finally bought an industrial strength toilet seat
It was called Big John Toilet Seats and they work great
These toilet seats don’t play
They can handle up to 1200 pounds
Did I mention that most toilet seats twist when I would sit on them
Breaking the hinges
Not Big John! They’re on that task!
Of course there are some drawbacks
The seat is elevated
And if you’re short like me then this means you’re like a little kid with your feet hanging in the air
And the seat presses in on your legs because of that
But who cares about that right?
Because everything hurts anyway
You’ve already got scars from where seats rip into you and draw blood
Because the sides are too tight
Or the toilet seat pinched you
So what’s a little time spent being uncomfortable
Isn’t everyday life already about that?
As toilet seats go, Big John is the best I found
In case anyone needs to know
Ordered mine off Amazon
It was oversized which was desperately needed
Because as I previously said before
Sometimes you’re not in the mood to play the Hokey Pokey game
Of trying to decide which half of your butt gets the pleasure
Of using the seat
Because the other half is hanging off
And let’s not even talk about where they put the toilet seat in a bathroom
Or where they place the toilet paper roll
I COULD SCREAM !!!!
This was my absolute nightmare for YEARS
You have a room but you jam the toilet seat right next to the wall
Have you ever noticed that??
At least my master bedroom bathroom is that way
Jammed up by the wall
But I have more butt than can fit!
I got too much junk in the trunk and now it’s jammed up in the wall
Please give me some room!!!
Have mercy on me and my butt…PUHLEEEEEZE
Anyone out there designing a house??
Just give us a foot please between the toilet and the wall
I BEG OF YOU
And don’t put the toilet paper roll right next to where your leg goes
Because now it doesn’t bother me
Now it’s no big deal
But at over 400 pounds
The toilet paper roll was literally digging into my leg
I thought a few times I would have to have it surgically removed from my thigh
The way it dug into me
Because when you’re going to the bathroom what you really want
Is to have a toilet paper roll jamming you
A toilet seat cracking and sliding
A wall shoving all your fat back to the other side
YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO PEE!!!!!!!!!!
OR WERE YOU??
Here it comes….
You knew it would happen
And I’m a Mom of 4 kids
So I can say it
Yep—I said it
And as a Mom I’ve dealt with enough poop that I’m going to tell it like it is
Try weighing 417 pounds and having to poop
Too much information??
Well I’m letting you know
Wiping your butt at 417 pounds is not for the faint of heart
It’s a J-O-B for real
What’s your strategy for handling this??
I’ll tell you mine
When you have a baby, they give you what is called
A Perineal bottle
It’s because after you have a baby, you have to clean yourself
But you’ve got limited mobility,right??
Because you just had a baby!!
It’s hard to move around without being in pain
It’s tough to wipe yourself
So you fill the bottle with water
And squirt it back there between your legs
And that’s how you handle it
Come on Mama’s….you know what I’m talking about
Don’t act like you don’t!!
Well I found those to be really helpful
You can buy better ones with a curved handle
You can buy “bariatric” ones that are longer
They’re called Bidet in a bottle
If you need one….check it out
I used one for years
But I also had another strategy that worked
Once I lost enough weight that I could handle being on my feet
I’d walk over to the sink and swing my leg up on the counter
Then I could reach whatever I needed
I did this for a looooong time
Just swinging my leg up and taking care of business
I did this for so long that I kept doing it after I didn’t need to anymore
As in just the other day
It occurred to me that I’m a size 14 and I can do this the good old fashioned way
It occurred to me at the same moment that the toilet roll doesn’t cut into me anymore either
WHAT A WONDERFUL LIFE!!!!
You think bathroom issues stop there?
Maybe you never heard about the time
Whole different story
But the shower is just as nightmarish
Because you have to stand up for so darn long
To get it all accomplished
I’d be sweating by the time I got done in the shower
Because it took too much strength for me to lift my arms
And wash my own hair
That’s when I got a shower chair
It was my Nana’s idea
She had one because she had the same problem
Not with her weight….but with her strength
She and I had the exact same issue
So I got a shower chair
And if you need one…then you should go ahead and get one
Because life has to be managed when you’re large
It has to be managed like a disease or a disability
So do what you gotta do!!
Splurge and get the chair I did
It was a swivel stool that went up to 400 pounds
That was pushing it for me but it never broke
The reason I got the swivel chair was because it made it easier
For my daughter to help me shower and wash my hair
Yep—my 17 year old daughter is a saint
All my kids are really
But she mostly took care of the job
Some days I just couldn’t handle it
So she’d swivel me around and wash my back
Swivel me back and wash my hair
You probably think she’s traumatized
But she’s not
My daughter graduated high school early
And is starting college at 17
You know what she wants to study?
Are we really surprised?!
God blessed me with a daughter
That has a heart for those with disabilities
Compassion for those struggling with obesity
And I could cry because of how she blessed me all these years
I take baths now
Hop in and out without the aid of the fire department
I wash my hair and lift my arms over my head with no issues
I don’t need a shower chair
I don’t need a peri bottle to wipe my butt
I don’t have toilet paper rolls digging into me
I live what many would call a “normal” life
But it’s not “normal” to me
It’s a FANTASY
Every day of my life is a fantasy come true
You go to the bathroom every day
Especially if you drink water
And when you start trying to be healthy
And drinking water
It’s a double edged sword
Because the bathroom becomes a more frequent place
And at first
But as time goes on
You’ll start to fit in the bathroom
And it won’t be a living hell anymore
I’m pretty sure a lot of people out there
Had no interest in hearing THIS post
But it had to be said
Because now I don’t have these issues
But I used to
And many people do
People should know the bathroom is a living hell
For the obese
It just is
It’s one more thing we have to fight
To live with
Life is hard when you’re obese
So when you see someone large
Just be nice to them
Open the door
Maybe compliment them on their shirt
Reach something off the top shelf
And hand it to them in their motorized cart
Because their life is hard enough
It just is
So when we have an opportunity to smile at them
Let’s do it
Because I may look like this now
But the truth is
When you see a 400 plus pound person in the store
The person you’re smiling at
And on behalf of every obese person out there that you’ve ever smiled at
I thank you