Insights from Friends

May 2, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’ve title this post “Insights from Friends”

And those friends are YOU

I was speaking the other day with someone about blogging

And I told them that while I don’t respond to many of the comments

I read every single one

I have it set up on my phone so that I can go in and check my comments regularly

They help me a lot and are much like some free therapy!!

I’ve spoken a lot lately about the things I’m struggling with

Some days I feel like I’m on a roller coaster

All highs or all lows

But I’ve determined to be more open than ever about my life

Because I feel that God gave me a gift when I had weight loss surgery 22 months ago

I believed I would die

And then I was given a second life

That means I shouldn’t be alive right now and yet I am

So this second life will be one of truth and authenticity

No matter how bad that may sometimes make me look

Stuffing my body with food to cover pain and hide emotions almost killed me

So from now on I will be honest regardless of how it makes me feel

Regardless of how it makes me look

It’s been a  leap of faith to be so real with how I feel

But it’s been a risk worth taking

Because the feedback I have been given from the friends I’ve made here

Has been truly insightful and helpful to me in moving past some of my ‘demons’

I’d like to take the time to respond to some of the comments that were left for me

On the blog post about my mother

 

Jamie April 25, 2013 at 3:36 pm [edit]

You have to release your mother. She made her problems YOUR problems. You are not responsible for her death. You are not responsible for her unhappy life. I had a “complicated” relationship with my mother as well. She died of dementia two years ago. You are feeling guilty over things you could not control. You could have been at the perfect weight, done everything your mother wanted you to do, and she would STILL have been an unhappy person. She didn’t deal with her issues, she instead put that burden on you. She decided that it was easier to do that than to face her own problems.

We are all responsible for our own happiness. It is a CHOICE. We cannot choose what happens to us in life, but we ALWAYS have choices about how we deal with it. Your mother made bad choices that were harmful to you. You have come a very long way. You need to love yourself, and release your mother and release the heavy burdens she placed upon you. And most importantly, you need to allow your children to grow up unburdened.

You CAN do this. You CAN choose not to be a victim anymore.

 

Thank you Jamie for this response.   I have always felt that my mother’s problems were my problems.  When I was very young, I learned that my mother’s parents had abandoned her.  She was raised on a farm by grandparents who told her daily that they did not want her.  If anyone made a comment about how cute she was, her grandparents would offer to sell her to them.  They often used to dress her up and take her out hoping someone would take her off their hands.  My mother was verbally and physically abused as a child.  She was manipulated as well and made to feel responsible for everything.  One of the worst stories my mother ever told me about her childhood was regarding farm kittens.  She lived on a farm and the farm cat had babies.  She was told to go put all the kittens in a pillow case and throw them in the river because they did not want to have a lot of cats.  She begged them not to do this so they told her she could keep one kitten.  But she had to choose which kitten would get to live.  Can you imagine the absolute tragedy this would cause in the mind of a 4 year old child? I feel at times my mother’s personality had to split off out of pure survival.  I often felt my Mother had multiple personalities.  I don’t think she had a legitimate case of it but I feel she did have strong aspects to her personality that almost seemed like different people.  I know we all have this on some level.  Sometimes we are more assertive, more aggressive, more passive, more patient.  But with my mother, I could almost name some of these personalities as they were so entirely different from one another.  Even having different views on religion and politics depending on which aspect of her personality was being spoken to.  My mother’s childhood was so horrendous and there are so many more stories I could tell.  Suffice it to say I have often wondered how she survived it at all.  Yet she did.  And she went on to earn a Bachelor’s and Masters degree.  She was highly thought of in all her professional relationships. Yet no one really knew how tortured she was in her soul except our immediate family.  I spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years trying to get my mother to be happy. I wanted to cure her.  I wanted to heal her.  I wanted to right all the wrongs. But nothing I did worked EVER.  It became a huge frustration that I could not fix the problem.  I loved her desperately and wanted her to overcome her past.  But her heart was so deeply wounded it seemed nothing could fix it.  You said I am feeling guilty over things I cannot control.  And you are absolutely right.  When you said this, it made me suddenly remember something very important to ‘sane living’.  I learned during my divorce that things were out of my control.  That I had no control and if I wanted to survive I would have to “Let go and Let God” as they say.  I would have to turn it over to Him and trust HIM to be the One to be in control.  That if things went terribly wrong, God would make a way to help me through it.  Lately I have forgotten that.  I am sitting around feeling guilty over things I cannot control.  I can’t control what happened to my mother in her childhood or even in her death.  Yet I must believe on some level that I can change things if I beat myself up enough over it.  Thank you for reminding me that there are some things we cannot control in life and it is best to let God handle them for us.

 

Anele @ Success Along the Weigh April 25, 2013 at 4:35 pm[edit]

…don’t you DARE take on her death.

Thanks Anele for this comment.  The wording of it struck me as especially eye opening.  I don’t think I realized that I had taken on my Mother’s death.  Taken it on in every way.  It has become my job over the past 2 years to dwell on it (you said you’re a dweller too and that word also made me realize I do this).  I am taking on her death and dwelling.  And when you said don’t you DARE do that, it was such a powerful statement that it made me stop in my tracks and consider what it means.  Thanks for your insight Anele.

 

jennxaz April 25, 2013 at 4:58 pm [edit]

Not to analyze you but do you think this stems from the rejection from that guy…it seems like it brought up all these old feelings that you had thought you had dealt with..abandonment…and you are rehashing them again.

Extremely insightful comment and YES YES YES.   There is zero doubt in my mind that the rejection from the man I was talking to daily for 4 months made me question myself all over again.  It seems that I don’t deal with rejection well.  I make a point to not get close to people in my real every day life.  I never open up to them too deeply.  Doing this blog has been an exercise in honesty and openness.  I suppose I felt comfortable being so open on this blog because no one here knows me in real life.  Although the gap between my blog friends and my real life friends is slowly becoming more narrow as many of the people I have met on here have transferred over into real life friends that I speak to and meet in person.  As a result of that, I now have people in my life who truly know me.  They know I am crazy on some days and normal on others!! It used to be that only Amanda was aware of that!! LOL  But now here I am beginning to live in a world where people actually truly know me.  It’s kind of amazing.  The fact that you were able to point out the rejection I experienced from that man could be connected to my current depression shows that even you are someone who knows me pretty well!! Once you brought this up, I realized how true it is.  I didn’t really connect it at first but now I do see it.  I allowed that rejection to go straight to my core.  I felt all over again stupid, worthless, embarrassed and it has led me down a bad road.  I must find a way to function in life without a man’s approval.  I thought I had done a good job of that over the past 7 years but now I realize it was easy for me to be “independent” because I kept men far far away and did not interact with them.  Now that I am interacting with men I find myself falling into that old pattern.  This is something I need to work on.

 

Heather C. April 25, 2013 at 5:10 pm [edit]

First~ You amaze me. I want you to know that you are loved and thought of OFTEN by someone you don’t even know! (Too bad I’m not an amazing man, right? *smiles*)

 ((((Heather)))) Hugs to you!! So much of what you said in your comment spoke straight to my heart but this line made me laugh! And laughter is something I need these days!!! Thank you!!

 

Faith April 25, 2013 at 5:21 pm [edit]

Im thinking about you, Holly and I wish there was more I could do or say. I emailed you the other night, hopefully it made it to you, it says more than what I can put into words right now after this heart wrenching post. Just know that you are loved very much by many.

Faith—I did read the email and I have not responded but I have read it 4 times.  It helped me so much and I will keep rereading it.  You are very important and special to me.  You are someone I know has followed me from the very beginning and to think someone I have never met could be so genuinely and sincerely caring towards me has been a wonderful experience.  I love that you and I know we may come from different belief systems at times but yet we still connect and talk to one another openly and honestly.  I hope in the future there will be more of that because you mean a great deal to me, my friend!!!

 

Pam

I too, wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that even when you weighed 417 pounds, you were YOU, and YOU are a good person who has a capacity to love, to care for others,

Pam–I don’t know how I got so lucky to meet you but I sure am glad for Spark People b/c it led me to you!! I am sorry for all you are dealing with regarding your husband but so glad we understand what it’s like to go through the changes of weight loss.  I wish more people realized what you wrote above.  That I am still me regardless of my weight.  This is something I struggle with so much as I have people in my life who treat me entirely differently based on nothing more than my weight.  It continues to confuse me.

 

I could only respond to a few of the comments today but I intend to respond to more later.   I just wanted to let you all into my thought process and tell you that you are helping me.  I go see a therapist weekly and I have to say at times I feel I get more “work” done on myself through this blog than anywhere else!!!

Thank you for listening and thank you for your prayers.   Today I feel better.  I feel less burdened.  I am going to keep moving forward.  I am not going to let the things of this world blind me to the good that is out there for all of us.  Lately I watch the news and it makes me sad.  One thing after another that is happening out there.  But then I remember that no matter how much bad is in the world….in the end….the good will overcome the bad.

The Light Shines in the Darkness—and the Darkness HAS NOT overcome it–John 1:5

 

 

 

 

 

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Tess May 2, 2013 at 3:08 pm

I’m soooo glad you’re feeling better!! I’ve been worried about you and think of you often. Hugs and prayers to you, dear! I feel the same way about watching the news. It’s sad, angry, uninspiring, controversial, upsetting…see where I’m going? I no longer watch the news. I listen to it on the radio every day, but I don’t watch it unless there is a major event. We don’t let our kids watch the news because it’s too graphic, which made me think “If I don’t let them watch it, why do *I* watch it??!!” So, give yourself permission to not watch things that are upsetting, to not listen to people who are not “good for you”, and to let go of the bad and let in the good!

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Pam May 2, 2013 at 3:19 pm

Thanks Holly for responding to my comment. I think too often we believe that when we are obese, we are unworthy of inhabiting space on this earth, that we don’t deserve love, that we are less than human, and we truly hate ourselves. But you have always been beautiful. I was lucky, I had a husband who loved me all those years of my morbid obesity and I cannot imagine dealing with what you have dealt with in your life. But look at how strong you are, how strong you have always been!!! I am so happy for you, and I KNOW that you learned from your mother and will instill self confidence in your four beautiful children instead of the horrible guilt you were given. GO HOLLY GO!!! And remember, we are all here for you and are cheering you on every step on the way. You are loved!
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Adelyn May 2, 2013 at 4:40 pm

One of the things (again, ONE of the MANY things) I admire about you is the way that you are walking into all of this with eyes wide open. (I think that is why I connect with you and your stories–I am trying to do the same.) You are facing all of the “demons”…and more than that you are inviting them out into the open, you shine a light on them, you dissect them, you find the truth and the message. You have gone to some deep, dark places that people far less brave would have left hidden and continued to cover up.

I am so reminded that we all do it…food, alcohol, exercise, whatever…we cover and hide and mask. Until we can’t any more. In so many ways my mother died rather than facing hers. I could see I was headed down the same road. But when we get the demons out front and center we can go THROUGH it and get rid of them. It is amazing to do. Hard. Amazing. I enjoy watching you and often stand in solidarity with you when I am tempted to not deal with something. Thank you.
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jennxaz May 2, 2013 at 4:45 pm

I am so glad you are feeling better today..sometimes its just day by day..that is what I tell myself anyways. Hugs from AZ!

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Linda Kuil May 2, 2013 at 6:59 pm

One foot in front of the other… don’t look back.
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Faith May 2, 2013 at 9:08 pm

You made me cry happy tears 🙂 hugs hugs hugs <3

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Heather C. May 2, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Hugs right back to you Holly! I’m SO glad I could make you laugh. Once, when I was in the biggest crisis of my life…..LITERALLY in ‘the moment,’ somehow my husband made me laugh (and I don’t even remember specifically what he said.) I remember thinking “God, thank you. I know I’m going to be okay.” What I REALLY wanted to do that day was “write you a book” because I had so much to say. But I just thought it’d be too much for you,so I just spoke from my heart.

You sure have a wonderful host of friends looking after you ;O) I will continue to pray for you. ~Your Friend, Heather C~

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Nikki Mohamed May 2, 2013 at 10:29 pm

Wow. That is a lot of great advice/therapy in comments…as well as digestion of same by you. I especially like the one about you trying to “fix” your mom. I think I can definitely relate to that….although of late, I’m really just trying to “accept” her as is rather than wish away all the self-deprecation or lack of confidence in her.
You are such an amazing person, Holly. And I’m glad to be a witness to your journey to self-improvement. <3
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Angela May 3, 2013 at 9:26 am

Holly,

I’m glad to read that you get something from your blog and I’m assuming your FB. I’ve often wondered how/why you do all this. You put yourself out there AND I’ve seen you reach out to people to check on them. I sit and wonder in amazement how to manage all that you have on your plate. I am also glad you are feeling better. Know that you are an inspiration to everyone out here, but do NOT take on OUR problems. Know that you can’t fix all the stuff we have going on in our lives! Make sure you are taking time for you and your family!!

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Mimi @ Irresistible Icing May 3, 2013 at 2:18 pm

Blogging and the friends we make is sooo therapeutic to our journey, isn’t it? I feel like my darkness has lifted over the past few days too. This is a constant journey that we have to keep working at. You can do this!
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Sheila May 3, 2013 at 3:10 pm

Let go and let God is such a good reminder. I often think of GITG, which for me stands for GIVE IT TO GOD. I try to tell my girls this also. Give it over to him and let him work out all the crazy details of dealing with something that is too big for us to handle. And your mother, your relationship with her, and her death is a perfect example of this. Give it to Him, Holly.

P.S. – I like when you blog in paragraphs, it’s so easy to read. 😉
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Deandre Z. Brady May 3, 2013 at 9:31 pm

My father is a very reasonable and loving man, as is my mother, the only difference is that my mother cannot take advice when she needs it. She always thinks someone is against her. The other thing is that she never shows this side of her to the public. It’s like she thinks that she being observed under this scope. Everyone thinks that she is this wonderful and joyous woman; she used to be that person when I was younger, but then I don’t know what happened. However, when she enters her huse that image shatters and it’s almost as if she turns into the shattered image, walking around the house resembling this horrific, sharp, and demanding woman, Only this time every time you see her, she looks much angrier and the cracks sharpen. She has so many expectations for what the house should look like as if she lives in this dream house. If she finds the garbage bag full or a little bit of trash on the floor she assumes that the trash has been there all day and it was left there for her to pick up; whenever she does something in the house she wants all this credit like she does chores all the time. Hence the previous example about the always-taking-things-offensively. I am the oldest in the house as far as children are concerned. The other two are only 5 and 9. Therefore, I am frequently blamed for what happens in the house. Whenever she calls you in the house, she always has this high authoritative tone like you’ve done something unbelievable; everyone in the house gets scared when she calls their name. Even though she is abusive, she has a kind side. Sometimes she’ll talk softly and contently with us. It scares me because I neve know when she going to snap on us, or even me. She snaps fast, and she doesn’t care who it is. She done a good job pushing people in her family away from her, and it could be people that she grew up with all her life. Example.
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Jamie May 4, 2013 at 5:19 pm

If my post to you helped you even a *tiny* bit, I am very glad. 🙂

You have come such a long way. You have a good heart. Don’t forget to give yourself some credit every day for all of the good things you have done, and all of the good things you ARE doing. God sees you are His wonderful child, not damaged, but beautiful in every way. See yourself as God sees you. 🙂

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