Declare War

May 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

My kids made this for me on Mother’s Day!!

This is me awhile back when I started Crossfit

Not long after I decided

THIS IS WAR

 

 

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I had just started my Masters degree

When we moved again

We drove from New Mexico

All the way to Alaska

Two weeks in the car

With two children and two dogs

I would write my papers in the car during the day

And upload them using the hotel internet connection at night

There was a tough stop in British Columbia

Where the internet connection was iffy

It took me 4 hours to get my paper into the online classroom

But finally I did!!

 

Once we got to Alaska

I continued on with my Masters degree

Pregnant twice during that time

Two C-sections back to back

Now I had 4 kids

And I was homeschooling

I barely slept at night

Because the babies kept me up

And then there was the laundry

And the cooking

And the cleaning

But somewhere in the middle of all that

I was still working on my Masters degree

Still plugging away

 

At the end of my program

My very last project

I had to write an 80 page thesis

It seemed that I hadn’t slept in 3 years

And right when I could see the finish line in sight

I almost quit

Because of the voices

 

Do you have them?

The voices?

The thoughts that run through your mind?

The thoughts that overtake you?

The thoughts that bully you into believing

That everything they say is true

That everything they say is fact

 

Right near the end of my Masters degree

After all the hard work

After 3 long years

This is what they said…..

You are being selfish

You don’t need a Masters degree

You should quit

You can’t handle the pressure

You’re not as smart as you think you are

You will never need this degree anyway

You are stealing time away from your family

You can’t think straight

You will never be able to finish this

You are not capable of completing this program

Your writing is terrible

Your ideas are horrible

If you gave up, your life would be easier

 

The voices made sense to me

So I almost quit

I took off one semester

But I decided to go back

And then it happened

74  pages into my 80 page  thesis

The computer died

And I lost everything

So the voices told me

You’re stupid

You can’t even save a file

You will never be able to start over

This is a sign that you should quit

You just wasted all your time for nothing

You can’t do anything right

 

 But I fought the voices in my head

A miracle happened

The file was restored

And I finished my thesis

I finished my Masters degree

The one the voices said I would never need

The one the voices said  I would never use

And then 3 months later

My husband was gone

And I was a single mother

Completely alone

Suddenly I found myself needing that Masters degree

A LOT

The voices didn’t win that battle

But they were just waiting

For another opportunity

 

When my husband left

The voices told me this

You deserve it

You are a terrible person

You are a horrible wife

It is your fault

You are an awful mother

You are a failure

You can’t do this alone

You don’t have what it takes

You are incapable of running this household

No one will ever love you again

You will be alone for the rest of your life

Your children would be better off without you

You should kill yourself

 

 Kind of intense, right?

Kind of extreme?

That’s how they are

The voices

They don’t like losing battles

So if you win one

Be ready

Because the next time

They’ll hit even lower than they did before

Because they have no rules

They aim to kill

 

The voices are MEAN

They are rude

They are hateful

But they don’t end there

They’re always at it

They’re always after me

 

When I got over 300 Pounds

Back in 2006

I managed to lose 25 pounds

So the voices said

You are wasting your time

You’ll just gain it back

You know you’re going to give in eventually

You can’t resist temptation

You are weak

You can’t survive without the food

You need the food

Your anxiety will kill you if you don’t eat

The panic attacks will get worse without the food

Who do you think you are?

Accept your fate

 

The voices lie

All the time

But here is the problem

The voices sound a lot like me

So much so that I would often think

Their thoughts were my thoughts

That their voice was my voice

That the things they said were reflections of the truth

Because if I am thinking it—Then it must be true

Right?

 

When I was considering the surgery

I almost didn’t do it

Because the voices said

This won’t help you

You’re beyond help

The hunger is too strong

You will fail 

If you fail at the surgery, then what else is left?

If you exhaust this last option, you have nothing else to hope for

If you have failed at everything else–you will fail at this too

Your body is incapable of losing weight

 

 

When I started walking at 417 pounds

The voices said

You’re going to have a heart attack

You’re going to pass out

The pain will kill you

The burning in your lungs will kill you

The burning in your legs will kill you

You can’t handle this

You aren’t cut out for exercise

You are going to fall

You are going to break something

You are going to collapse

You are going to die

 

When I started going to the gym

The voices said…

You’re making a fool out of yourself

You’re being ridiculous

You don’t belong there

You’re not worthy to step in that door

You’re an embarrassment

You are weak

You have lost your mind

GO HOME

The voices aren’t as loud as they used to be

Because I learned that the voices have an agenda

And their agenda is to defeat me

To ruin my life

To make me quit

The voices would like to kill me if they could

But if they can just keep me in the bed

Keep me depressed

Keep me in bondage

Then that will do too

One of the best books

I have ever read

Is “Battlefield of the Mind” by Joyce Meyer

I read this book for the first time in 2006 during my divorce

I kept it with me

I read it

And re-read it

Because it taught me something critical

It taught me that I’m in a battle

And the battlefield

Is in my mind

My copy of this book is ragged and torn

Highlighted and scribbled in

It’s my game play notebook

It’s the reminder I need

That this IS war

I’ve been rereading that book again

It details the Enemy’s battle plan

And how great is that?

To get copies of the enemy’s plan

Before he can bring it to the battle?

And here it is

1. We are engaged in a war.
2. We have an enemy
3. The mind is the battlefield.
4. The enemy works diligently to set up strongholds in our mind.
5. He does it through strategy and deceit (through well-laid plans and deliberate deception).
6. He is in no hurry; he takes his time to work out his plan.

And whether you are a Christian

Or just a believer in good and evil

Darkness and light

Positive and negative

I’m sure you’ll agree

That we are in a battle of some kind

There is a dark force out there

And we must NOT be defeated!

For every thought that the voices send your way

We must find a thought to send back

There are ways to do this

I can only tell you what works for me

Jesus Himself fought the battle

By quoting scripture back to Satan

He used it as a tool

As a weapon

A weapon of war

AND HE WON

One thing I have learned

Especially lately

Is that I can’t allow the enemy

To own my mind

So talk back

Even if it sounds crazy

I wasn’t able to have any success in weight loss

Until I decided it was war

Until you’ve really decided that this is WAR

You may find yourself never quite able to lose any weight

Because in your mind it’s a struggle

It’s hard

It’s something you need to “work” through

But a struggle

Something a little hard

Even a battle

Is not the same

AS WAR

So when you’re not having success

When you’re wondering why you can’t get out of bed

And into those gym shoes

When you’re faced with pie

And you can’t take not having just one piece

It’s because you’ve decided this is “hard”

This is a “fight”

But you haven’t

DECLARED WAR

That’s what this is

IT IS WAR

Staying away fromsugar is is not “hard” for me

IT IS WAR

Temptation is real

So fight (Ephesians 6:12).

Make up your mind to never quit

To never give up!  Colossians 3:2

And don’t be afraid

Because You aren’t alone

You have someone who will fight the battle with you

If you call on Him

He will give you clarity

He will clear your mind

And he will stand alongside you

And fight!Second Timothy 1:7

Because this is war

You are a warrior

And YOU CAN WIN


Additional Scriptures for the Battle

2 Corinthians 10:5 

1 John 4:4

Philippians 4:8

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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Victoria Davis May 13, 2013 at 1:50 pm

I am so glad I found your blog! I can identify with everything I read and it helps to know I am not the only one feeling these things. You are awesome! And you are so right this is war and I know exactly who I am fighting and I know just how dirty he fights. I also know the one who has already won this battle for me I just have to claim victory in His name! I have not read that book yet but I will and I thank you for your courage and honesty!

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Christine May 13, 2013 at 2:16 pm

I hear those voices too, they can be so negative and defeating. I am trying to replace them with more encouraging voices but it is hard. I saw pictures of myself from mothers day yesterday and the voices started telling me negative things about myself but today I am trying to turn those voices into determination and motivation.

I love the gift your kids gave you, it is so true! Thanks for sharing :).
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Heather C. May 13, 2013 at 3:28 pm

Yes, yes, YES! The voice is so self-defeating. I picture a big black haze in the brain, and it feels like it will NEVER end- but that is what the enemy desires.

Prayer: Lord, when life isn’t fair, and I’m forced to wait, please give me the faith and patience to realize you may be teaching me to rely more on you through these troubling times.

Holly- there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Even if you only see the suns rays through a tiny pin, it is a new beginning with a master plan that only the Master can provide! My heart is with you.

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Michele Moore May 13, 2013 at 3:48 pm

We’re told in scripture to take every thought captive the the obedience of Christ. That is the battle of the mind. The enemy will show us videos of everything that can possibly go wrong, or “the voice” will scream at us all of our past failings and try to convince us of our worthlessness. But something else the Word says is, “They overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.” So, because of what Jesus did for me, this is my testimony: I’m forgiven. I have been made the righteousness of God in Christ. I can do all things though Him who strengthens me.” If we hold to our testimony, we cannot be defeated. And the beauty of it all is that our testimony was handed to us by our Advocate. The One who sits at the right hand of the Father, every making intercession for us. It has nothing to do with us and our ability and everything to do with Him and His ability. Didn’t mean to go on like this, but I think I need to hear it too! Be blessed today!
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Sheila May 13, 2013 at 9:04 pm

I love what your kids made for you…God has blessed you with 4 little amazing cheerleaders!!
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Crystal @ Serving Joyfully May 13, 2013 at 10:34 pm

Yep. I fight with those voices every day! I just finished my masters degree this past December. It was a long road. And I had those very.same voices. So much so that I almost didn’t finish. I am SO GLAD that I did! I’m a SAHM mom, and I really didn’t need that degree, but the sense of accomplishment, in knowing that I BEAT those voices, even if it was only that one time…it made such a difference.

Jon Acuff has a great post about voices: http://www.jonacuff.com/blog/voices/
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Natalie May 13, 2013 at 11:24 pm

I personally think it is more healthy to own your own behaviour rather than blaming an outside agency: “The devil made me do it!”

If your baby screams and yells and goes red in the face with anger do you say “away from me, devil!”? Or do you pick your baby up and cuddle it and sooth away the hurt and the anger and the pain?

You are both mother and baby. Love yourself. Cuddle yourself. Forgive yourself as if you were your own baby, worthy of love and attention. Worthy of finding out what the real problem is so you can fix it.

When those voices come, say “I know you are scared, baby within me, but I love you and we will get through it.”
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Banded With Favor May 22, 2013 at 4:01 am

Holly, you alwasy know just how I feel, and you do a better job at putting into words for me then I do….Thank you….now I need to get my mind ready, because I am at war…but instead of fighting, I have been hiding!!!

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