Weight Loss, Hormonal Changes,Depression

April 9, 2013 in Uncategorized

***This post is long, strange and full of videos that might take too long to watch***

****This is about 5 days worth of posts in one*****

Read and view at your own risk!

 

Ever felt like this little bird??

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-image-lonely-depressed-image19834396

 

 

 

Here’s the deal

For some reason that is hard for me to understand

My depression is back in full swing

It seems ironic to me

That after losing 225 pounds

After finally getting UNDER 200 pounds on the scale for the 1st time in about 15 years

After finally attaining something I dreamed about for YEARS

I find myself in a major depressive episode

It makes no sense

 

I’ve struggled lately with wondering if I am ungrateful

If I just don’t appreciate the gift I have been given

At breaking free from the 400 pound body that imprisoned me

But I know that is not true

For some reason I can’t explain though

I’m in a bad depression

And it’s time I come clean about it

 

The truth is I live in two worlds

Sometimes pulled together

Sometimes not

That’s what depression is like for me

But I have decided to reveal this other side of myself

In an effort to be fully authentic

 

Last week I decided to do something totally different from anything I’ve ever done before

I decided to record and document myself from the bottom of the pit

I did several videos of myself throughout the day last week

And when I go back and watch them I’m embarrassed

But I have to admit

This is me

This is how I get

How I feel

When I’m depressed

I thought maybe if I film myself in a state of depression

It might help me to see it more objectively once I’m on the other side

Maybe this experiment can help me see myself in a different light

 

The truth is that lately even when I can manage to get through the day

It’s still an overwhelming struggle for me

I find myself having to tell people in my real life

That I’m sick

And that’s why I can’t make it to events

When the reality is that my depression is making it hard for me

To go almost anywhere

But to me depression is a kind of sickness

So when I say that, I don’t feel it’s a lie

It’s just easier than trying to explain to people that I’m depressed

FOR NO REASON

 

I know intellectually that my life doesn’t suck

That I am blessed

But something is sitting over my life

Like a black cloud

Making it hard to discern the truth

 

Since December I’ve been struggling with a depression

That has been getting worse

It all coincided with the 2nd anniversary of my mother’s death

I only know that because the therapist I go to pointed it out

After 3 months of actively trying to deal with this depression

Through prayer, therapy and the use of cognitive behavioral strategies

It’s gotten worse instead of better

 

Recently I went to the gynecologist

Oh joy

And he told me that my hormones have to be out of whack

Because I did not have a period of any kind for YEARS due to my weight

Losing your period often happens when you’re either over or under weight

But since losing weight, my period has returned

And returned with a vengeance

HORMONES

 

Apparently when you lose over 200 pounds, it causes a lot of things to change

And my body has not just changed on the outside physically

It’s apparently changed on the inside physically as well

According to a psychiatrist, gynecologist, therapist and my general practitioner

And a partridge in a pear tree….

They all feel that biochemically and hormonally the 225 pound weight loss

Has triggered crazy hormones

Maybe even PMDD..and I’m not even sure what that is

Some type of PMS on crack

They all agree that the weight loss

Has triggered hormones that triggered a depression

Ironic right?

I lost weight to feel better

And now I feel worse

This should be the happiest time in my life

And while I intellectually know that I am very lucky to be where I’m at

I am struggling every single day to get the most basic things accomplished

 

The doctor put me on an antidepressant 2 months ago

And it hasn’t done a lick of good

NOT ONE BIT

It’s a medication I took years ago that worked wonderfully back then

But not anymore

My doctor said that when you lose a lot of weight your body changes

And sometimes the same medication that worked once no longer works

How do you like that?

FOILED AGAIN!

 

So we are switching to something else and we’ll see how that works

I’m not psyched to be back on medication but it is what it is

I’m not going to lie

I feel defeated

Because I can barely understand why I would work this hard to lose all this weight

Only to have changes in my body trigger a depression

All the doctors agree that it’s my hormones

DANG HORMONES!!!!!!

 

I’ve been beating myself up a lot lately

Angry at myself for being ungrateful for the blessings in my life

Mad that I’m depressed when I should be ecstatic and happy that I’ve lost 225 pounds

But the doctor told me that it’s not necessarily my fault

Just like my hunger from sugar addiction was not caused because I’m a failure

It was caused from the way sugar reacts in your body

He said that the same is true of this depression

That it’s hormonally based because after almost 10 years of not having a regular period

My period has returned in full force

You see one of the side effects of obesity can be losing your period

One of the benefits to losing weight is regaining your period

That is supposed to be a good thing

Except in this case, it is causing hormones to wreak havoc in my life

 

If you look at my tagline for the blog

It says the story of a 400 pound woman “losing it”

That has never been SO TRUE!

A friend of mine mentioned that it was surprising to hear I’m struggling in this way

Because I don’t “appear” that way on my blog

Well…if you want genuine honesty…here I go

I try to do that anyway but sometimes I hold back a little

But I want to be honest about what I’m going through

And what I’m going through right now is depression

 

I’m documenting a day in my life as an experiment

Because on this particular day (that I filmed last week)

I was having the most awful time

And I’m doing everything I can to not let depression win

 

It no doubt will take too long to watch all these videos

Consider this 5 days of blog posts wrapped in one

I’m not even sure why I’m posting these videos because I should hide them!

It’s embarrassing but it’s the way it is right now

Maybe others can relate

Maybe not

I just know that this is where I am at right now

And until things get better

Here it is…..

 

A Day in my life…when the other personality takes over!

 

 

I said I would see you tomorrow because I didn’t think I’d be able to get up the energy to do even one thing on my list.

But interestingly enough the mere act of talking about this on video helped me get motivated enough to try and go for that walk.

So here we go!

 

And then one more from when I returned

 

I keep saying I’ll see you tomorrow!! Because in my head I think I’ve gone as far as I can go

And it does look that way from this next video

Because…the Funk continues

 

Ironically just making this video and talking about it helped me yet again to get up and go!

There really is something to just talking through your feelings

Good thing b/c I talk to myself A LOT!!!

 

 

It rained again!!! Β But regardless…the “sun” is starting to shine a little bit more into my mood

 

I made this next video the following morning when I was feeling MUCH better

 

I noticed that my voice did not match with how my lips were moving in this last video

But I find that to be PERFECT

Because it shows exactly how out of sync things can get so quickly

When that fog takes over

Before long, you’re saying one thing and your body is doing another

 

So I felt awful one day

The next day I was fine

And then unfortunately the VERY NEXT DAY

I was back to feeling like I did in video one

This is what I find so frustrating about depression

I work so hard to climb out of the pit

Only to fall right back in

 

I made these videos last week

This week is better

My food is completely back on track

I’m not struggling with my food right now

But the scale now says I weigh 201 pounds

That means I am no longer UNDER 200 pounds

I was down to 195 and a few days of iffy food

Caused an immediate 6 pound gain

That is how FAST the weight comes back on me

THAT FAST

 

When I can’t control depression through other means

I always go back to food

But I am determined to not let that happen this time

I will do whatever it takes

To make sure that depression does not win the battle

 

If you made it to the end of this blog post, you deserve a medal!

I know it wasn’t pretty to watch

And now you see why I WRITE instead of do videos

Because I ramble….

 

I am leaving you with this blog post to explain my absence for the rest of the week

But surely you’ll be relieved

As I’m sure after all that drama—you need a break from me!

My blog is not dead nor will I be gone forever

I’m just dealing with the FUNK!

Pray for me πŸ™‚

 

My father is coming out to visit me today for a week

He’s going to help me get my taxes done which will be Β a relief

I haven’t talked much about my Dad on here

So next week I’ll tell you about that visit

 

I hope I haven’t depressed you too much

Because no matter what I still believe that we should never lose hope

I refuse to

I know this one thing to be true

If we hold onto hope no matter how small

We will overcome

 

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

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{ 59 comments… read them below or add one }

Jill April 9, 2013 at 6:03 pm

Oh honey, I felt like I was watching myself. The positive is now I don’t feel like no one can understand what its like because you do. Thank you for your bravery.

The Dr asked me what I feel about myself. I said I am a waste. It hurt that I said it, that I felt it, that I’m writing it now.

God bless you.

Jill

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Jennifer April 9, 2013 at 7:54 pm

Jill,
You are worthy, you are not a waste. It so sad so many of us feel like this isn’t it? You are important and you MATTER!
Jen

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Staci April 9, 2013 at 8:06 pm

I have felt that way lately, too, Jill. Just know that you are NOT. And once you get the flip to switch, either with medicine or whatever method, you will see yourself in a different light. Hang in there! ((hugs))
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Debra April 9, 2013 at 6:12 pm

I know just how you feel.I get the same way.My highest weight was 439 and right now i am 385.I was binge eating and gained some back.I was down to 370.But i am not giveing up.Thank you for being brave and makeing your videos.There are so many of us out there going throug this.And it is good to know we are not alone.God Bless you.

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Joy April 9, 2013 at 6:13 pm

I totally know what you are going through. To do even the smallest task when you are feeling this way seems like Mount Everest ! I watched a couple of your videos and I can feel the anxiety you are going through! Have you ever thought about medication even for a minute . There are videos on you tube. Yoga is also a great tool to help with the funk even for 5 minutes? I am 33 and I have suffer with depression and a panic disorder for over 20 years. One day at a time :).

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Mimi @ Irresistible Icing April 9, 2013 at 6:15 pm

I’m so grateful for you writing this. I can totally relate. I have also been dealing with depression and anxiety creeping its way into my life. Ugh! Yesterday I was feeling all sorts of different emotions. I binged this past weekend and was beating myself up over that b/c I just had my gallbladder out 10 days ago and I shouldn’t be able to eat this much!! I also stopped having a period when I was at my heaviest. Sometimes we just have to be patient with ourselves. I stopped looking at myself as before and after. I’m going to slip up and binge again. As long as you can identify it and stop it before it becomes a way of life again. Hang in there!!!

PS – I LOVE Lifetime movies! haha
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James P. April 9, 2013 at 6:21 pm

I soooo wish you would make more videos. I love your videos.

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Debby H April 9, 2013 at 6:30 pm

OH HOLLY!!! You are so very very normal!!! I read an article the other day that say 1 in 4 christian women are on some form of an antidepressant. We just dont talk about it. We keep it bottled up. But, I beg you, please get help!! Whether its a pastor, counselor, medication. We associate our depression with our physical being, but its so very mental. Misfirings in our brain. Things we cant control. Losing weight can make us happy, but that doesnt mean the depression goes away!! I will be praying for you this week!!!
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jennxaz April 9, 2013 at 6:48 pm

You know just losing the weight is not the only thing we have to fix…we have to fix ourselves that got us there and figure out why we got where we did. I am constantly reflecting on myself because I need some major healing. I can’t do it alone…with God’s help I am getting there. I pray you find an inner calmness and push forward..take it day by day. Just know you are not struggling alone..we all have our battles and I am glad you shared yours!

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Hollie April 9, 2013 at 7:38 pm

I, too, have been struggling with depression for no good reason. It’s so hard… People have no idea. But this weekend was better, and I feel myself dragging myself out of the pit. Which is good… I’m not medicated. And since I don’t have insurance I’m trying to deal with things without medicine. Which is also very hard.

You will definitely be in my prayers. We can beat this!

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Jennifer April 9, 2013 at 7:49 pm

Holly,
I read your Blog everyday. Your writing helps me because I found you during a dark time, during a funk of my own. You have given me the motivation to TRY. This Post helped immensely because when the weight is creeping off despite my best efforts, my mind goes to that place: “This will never work! I can’t do this, nobody knows how hard this is!” But I’m wrong, YOU and many of your readers know how hard this is, we’re just our own worst critics.
Thank-you for your honesty, it helps to know we all fall but we CAN get passed hard times even though it doesn’t seem like it at the time.
This post reminds me that we CAN do it, even when it’s hard, even when we stumble, even when we whine πŸ™‚
Living in hiding contributed to my 326 pound body, living honestly is the only way we can get through this journey.
Soldier on warrior!
Canadian Jen

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Sheila April 9, 2013 at 7:59 pm

Holly this is NOT drama, it’s real and it’s YOUR blog and I’m glad you put this out there. I gain weight that fast too. When you eat >1,200 cals a day and suddenly go up to 1,800 I’m telling you it is THAT fast. Hugs. I hope the day with taxes and your Dad goes well. Hugs
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Courtney April 9, 2013 at 8:00 pm

Depression is such a tricky thing. You have good days and really tough days. When I’ve wrestled with long periods of depression I always wanted to believe that my good days indicted the depression was done or “fixed”. Unfortunately, I think it looks a lot more like swimming against the current to reach the shore. Sometimes you’re fighting hard just to stay in place, sometimes you catch a little break and the swimming is easier or you catch a glimpse of land. Sometimes as hard as you try you seem to get pushed out to sea a little more. All that swimming analogy to say getting out of depression is no simple or small task!

I think it is really important that you made your struggle known to people who care though. Feeling isolated or like you need to rise above it for your readers will only make your days harder. I hope you find some answers and peace soon! I’ll be praying for you.
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Staci April 9, 2013 at 8:05 pm

Well you probably recall that I just got diagnosed with PMDD. One of my faithful blog readers pointed it out to me that I sounded just like her, and that that’s what she was diagnosed with a few years back. I read up on it, and I had to admit it rang true. Just finally went to the doctor, and he agrees. My med, thankfully, seems to have made a big difference so far. I felt ashamed at first to be on the med, but if I have THIS “illness” and need THIS medication to “fix” it, then fine! I feel like a completely different woman (and I’m praying it really is the med and now another hormone flip, lol). I haven’t watched your videos yet, so don’t award me the medal til later. My kids are all around, and I don’t want them asking who the crazy lady is. Haha πŸ™‚ I bet you I know 100% how you feel. I can’t even EXPLAIN how I felt. I was also told I have a hormonal imbalance. It’s unreal!
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Cat April 9, 2013 at 8:24 pm

Holly, I find that blogging how I’m feeling, no matter how many times I need to wipe the blurry tears from my eyes so I can vent it out…
in the end, I feel just a little better. Please don’t give up the fight Holls… you are such an inspiration to us all. Your posts are the first I look up before I start my post in the morning and it helps give me strength to get through the emotional hells I put myself through. I avoided Banana Pudding again though this afternoon πŸ™‚ so, an otherwise crappy day has one positive thing about it.
funny… an hour ago I was getting all depressed again because I can’t have banana pudding… but now it’s a victory.
When you’re depressed, down and out, and would rather just curl up into a shadowy corner and cry but you stand up anyways, its a victory. Keep fighting Holly. Its hard, sometimes seems insurmountable. But whatever you do..
Just keep swimming.
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Sandy April 9, 2013 at 8:34 pm

Oh Sweetie. I hear you. I suffered from Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) and had never heard of it either and I’m an RN. But came through with the help of anti-depressants, little caffeine and Vitamin B6 (100 mg). I do know that fat stores all the excess estrogen and other lady hormones so when we lose weight it gets released and we suffer the consequences. I got my period after 2 years of menopause!! Sucked. But I will tell you that you will get over this with the help of your doctors. It isn’t something you can push through on your own so make sure you have lots of support. Glad you see a therapist. And to also mention that drugs aren’t evil. You wouldn’t withhold insulin from a diabetic in hopes that they can just work through the disease. I do pray you will get some light in your life. I’ve been there and know the depth of darkness. But I am no longer on any antidepressants (hormones are all gone now at 59 yrs) so don’t give up hope.
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Joan April 9, 2013 at 9:42 pm

Holly, depression is a major b*tch. I applaud you for your raw honesty, which is so real and poignant, today and always. I have suffered from depressive episodes on and off throughout my adult life. The last time, I was on Lexapro for two years. You know what? I’m “normal” sized, married to a wonderful man, have three healthy children, and am financially secure (OK, I had a semi-psycho mother). What do I have to be depressed about? Nada! The guilt from being depressed is almost more overwhelming than the depression.

Please keep talking. And work with your doctors to find the right medication. As my doctor told me 4 years ago, it WILL get better. Even if it seems impossible, it’s true.

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Marc April 9, 2013 at 10:38 pm

Thanks for keeping it real. Here’s to mostly good days – cheers!
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Paula April 9, 2013 at 10:54 pm

Oh, honey… I am so sorry you are having these issues. I have bipolar/depression with panic and anxiety disorder, and have been on meds for 12 or so years. Meds are not something that I like or want to take, but the difference in my quality of life when I take them is drastic.

I don’t know if you have seen a psychiatrist, but only a psychiatrist can evaluate and track effective treatments. If you haven’t been, I am begging you to go. I have been where you are and am glad I am not there now. Even after 4 surgeries and 6 hospitalizations in the past 6 months, I am not battling my depression now, which is amazing. It is not a failure or a character flaw to see a psychiatrist for help. (BTW, family doctors do most of the depression medicine prescribing, and they cannot handle but the very most basic, situational depressions.

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Cindy April 9, 2013 at 11:31 pm

Not only did your honesty NOT push me away…it makes me want to reach out to you more! Being real lets people truly know that they’re identifying with you, y’know? I’m so proud of you. I hope that you can realize that being willing to try new ways of “climbing out of the pit,” to be “accountable for it,” and then to share it with others is a testament to the ministry you’ve created here.

I’ve struggled with depressed for 16+ years and could relate to just about every single thing you said. Keep your chin up, friend!
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Natalie April 9, 2013 at 11:32 pm

Apparently fat can hold on to all sorts of hormones and toxins and they get released when you lose weight. So I guess in a sense it’s not surprising that everything is going haywire. But horrible to go through. I hope it gets resolved soon.

I had terrible post-natal depression after my first child. I had morbid fantasies about having an “accident” that would end in the deaths of both myself and my baby. I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling at the time, I was too ashamed that I wasn’t having the right maternal feelings. And I was scared they would take away my baby and everyone would know why. And also because if I told someone about my feelings and then something happened, they would know it wasn’t really an accident. I was that far along thinking about death. I think the only thing that kept me from drastic action was thinking about how my husband would feel for the rest of his life after something like that. But 10 months after the birth my period returned and suddenly my hormones got back to normal and I felt more or less ok.

I think it is really heathy that you are sharing this and talking about it.
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Faith April 10, 2013 at 12:44 am

Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Many hugs and much love.

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Nicola April 10, 2013 at 1:18 am

As always Holly, your honesty and courage are inspiring. I’ve been down in that dark pit too and at times it felt like I would never get out, but day by day, with the help of medication and a psychologist and the best doctor ever, I fought and I struggled and that black cloud eventually blew away. What made the difference was the people in my life who loved me and who I could talk to about how I was feeling, rather than hiding and denying and pretending everything was “fine”, which was my first instinct. We in internetland all love you and care about you and support you, so I hope that our thoughts and good wishes shine a light through that dark cloud and give you even just one moment of happiness. If you can build on those moments as each day goes by, this too will pass. Not easily, not gently, but it WILL pass, because in the end you are stronger than the depression is, and so is your faith.

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Paula April 10, 2013 at 4:04 am

Wow, that was really painful to watch. I am a worrier and tend to be negative but I have never felt that depression you are feeling. I don’t think watching Lifetime movies is that great an idea, everything there is “women as victims”, at least that is how it appears to me. I’m sad you got off your eating plan like that, is that how stomachs stretch out to accommodate more eventually? Sounds like you are turning it around, hope the medication helps, we are always here to talk to, don’t forget that.

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Banded With Favor April 10, 2013 at 4:42 am

Holly, you are exactly what I needed. I have a crazy lady who lives with me at times too and I was so happy, sorry, to know I am not the only one with a crazy lady. I don’t always know what to do when she wants to visit either, and I do love me my bed at times, I do!! Love your transparency as always, love that everything you said, did, videoed I have done as well. Love that even in my current state of trying to get back on track and in the losing aspect and balancing act of food control, menu planning, work outs, I am not alone in or on this journey. We all have our detours, we all have our slippery slopes and we all eventually get headed back in the right direction again. I pray your week continues to get better, that your taxes get done, and that your visit with your dad is a blessing…

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annamarie April 10, 2013 at 12:15 pm

I am so sorry to hear all of this that you are currently going thru. I wish I had some miracle solution to give to you. But what I can do and have done is pray to our dear Lord for you, to help you, protect you and to help you feel his love even more as we all know how much he loves us.

Many hugs,
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Anna April 10, 2013 at 12:15 pm

Holly, i just wanted to say a simple thank you for opening up. You have touched, with such grace, on something that so many of us struggle with. I don’t struggle with depression per se, but with severe anxiety. I think next time I am in the darkest place (i was there 2 nights ago), i will also pull out my video camera. To be real with myself, to see how exactly it is.
On another note, i am so proud of you for taking the 30 seconds, for even recognizing that you were in a pit that needed to be dug out of. Sending you love and prayers….

Dear Heavenly Father, You know all about us….You created us from the inside to the out, and know all about us. Lord, You are perfect in every way, but we are broken, we struggle, we get so easily entangled in Satan’s lies and traps. Thank You for Holly….thank You for allowing her to share her struggles and her journey with us. Please bless her today…please be near to her….help her to find ways to cope…..please bring light into the dark places. Please give her wisdom from You today. I pray these things in Jesus name, amen.

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Nikki Mohamed April 10, 2013 at 1:56 pm

My relationship with depression goes back further than my relationship with insomnia. Sometimes that b*tch, Insomnia, comes around and pushes me into a full-on confrontation with Depression. These are the two relationships I’d most like to cut out of my life. But as you said, it is what it is. And like relatives that we’re forced to tolerate at a family reunion, we deal with them.

I hope that you are able to get that whole hormone thing balanced soon. I’m trying my best at 44 to keep the perimenopausal crazies at bay until we return to Texas this summer where I can go completely nuts with the support of my family and friends.
Prayers, hugs and Crazy-Cakes <3
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jane April 10, 2013 at 1:58 pm

Hi Holly,
Thank you for your honesty. I think this will help a lot of people. It helped me. I don’t suffer from depression, but have been down lately, due to some changes going on in my extended family.
I really wanted to get back into bed after my kids left for school today, but I read and watched your blog instead. I actually started exercising while I was watching! I thought if she can do it, so can I. Got my 30 minutes in and felt better. You truly do inspire me. I will pray for your healing from depression. Hugs, Jane

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Erin April 10, 2013 at 2:35 pm

Hugs. I struggle with depression and obesity too. And I find that when I succeed, especially on something big, it throws me into a giant tailspin. Right into the pit.

The brain wants most for everything to be logical and consistent. And when we throw a wrench into years of bad self-talk and self-image messages, that makes the brain have to reconcile things that are inconsistent with what it’s used to. So it freaks out. That’s my theory anyway.

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Theresa April 10, 2013 at 4:28 pm

Well, well, well, at least you’re in good company. I had to laugh when you confessed to Lifetime television, that is my favorite channel to binge to! After 3 years of back and forth bull, I finally got below 200 lbs and then immediately began to sabotage myself. I was doing so well staying off of the sugar, but I caved and now I’m dealing with the cravings again. It really is a terrible cycle. Just know that you’re accomplishments are not diminished by your struggles. There is light at the end of this tunnel too!
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Tess April 10, 2013 at 4:51 pm

Is it odd to say that this was one of my favorite posts ever?? Your honesty is uplifting and eye opening. Thank you for posting it, I’m sure it wasn’t easy! Know that you are not alone, and there are a LOT of people praying for you! Hugs to you, my friend!!!

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Pam April 10, 2013 at 5:34 pm

Holly–I’m so sorry you’re depressed, I have never experienced it, but I know it can be overwhelming. Just keep walking and pushing yourself and I bet the fog will eventually start to lift. Remember your kids need you–they are so important!

I also understand how easy it is to regain. I’m afraid us former fatties will always have to eat less than those who have never had a weight problem, and even just a little slip will lead to a gain.

I am really working to stay strong after my husband’s recent cancer diagnosis and it’s not easy. But I try to remember that his situation is so much more important than my own struggle with overeating.

So keep plugging and maybe try to keep up with routine things to lift yourself out of this funk. You can do it!!!

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marjaypen April 10, 2013 at 5:41 pm

Dear Holly – Well, you amaze me yet again! Your so wonderful in your willingness to be so honest. I hope you know you are SO not alone in your depression. I understand exactly how you feel because I have been/am there. Depression is a wild ride, isn’t? I am so glad that you shared where you are at because I will be able to pray for you much more specifically. Please remember that depression is an illness just like diabetes or high blood pressure. It takes a blend of things to make it better and sometimes the blend has to be adjusted. Hormones make everything crazy and make the blend that much harder to find. If you aren’t feeling any improvement after two months on your med, I’d encourage you to see your doctor and get something different. There are tons of options! Try and be really good to yourself right now, you deserve it! And remember that these feelings won’t always feel this way and the way you feel doesn’t change the fact of all the good you have done for yourself. Take care sweet sister! You are a blessing! πŸ™‚ Penney

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Rhonda April 10, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Your honesty is so very commendable. It was hard for me to watch you in the Pit because we have all been there and the hopelessness can be overwhelming. I know how you feel about taxes… I just hate hate hate getting stuff ready and always feel so inadequate. I do the same thing you do to try and get myself out of the pit.. tell myself to just take baby steps. Just fix one healthy meal, just chop one apple, just do one load of laundry… etc. I know that SUGAR is a depressant for me much like alcohol can be for others. I get that stuff in my system and the devil takes hold. Overcoming all these obstacles in our path can at times be so challenging; but when we are on the other side… life is sweet. :o)

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LHA April 10, 2013 at 7:20 pm

This was amazing! I have been reading you with interest for a few months and admire your honesty and candor. I am a sufferer of depression and anxiety from a very young age, so I have decades of ups and downs behind me now. So many of the things you pointed out in your videos and in your writing are universally true. For me, and I would say millions of others, mood disorders and food addiction/eating disorders are linked. I know that I have used food for many years as a tranquilizer, and it took more and more junk, sugar and heavy carbs to sedate me as the years went on. There was almost a feeling of relief when I would finally reach that point of satiety where I felt the calmness begin. Of course I also faced the self loathing and deeper depression as a result of the overeating, not to mention the physical effects, making it a vicious circle.

The examples and advice you gave is excellent! Try to do a little something even when you feel your worst. Get a chore done, take a walk, phone a friend, watch mindless tv…….anything but self destructive behavior. I can see why making your video was helpful to you, and journaling is another way someone can vent feelings. You have done so many people a great service by airing your feelings and “going public” with your struggle with depression. There are probably many readers who never thought anyone else was going through anything like this and they are alone. For myself, I am also struggling with a year long depressive episode and the dark days are almost unbearable, as you described them. No one should walk them alone and your narrative has no doubt helped many people who felt there was no one who understood.

Keep up the wonderful service you are doing for others with your blog. You are an inspiration and a role model, even though you may feel you are floundering. Speaking out, reaching out and connecting with others facing similar battles is a brave and also a kind thing to do. Keep fighting…..as I know you will.

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Beth April 10, 2013 at 7:28 pm

I have dealt with depression and anxiety for YEARS…..it is very hard….watching your video inspired me to do what you did….go for a walk around my block….thanx for sharing your authentic self…you minister to so many people by doing so…blessings

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iadopted5 April 10, 2013 at 8:19 pm

I loved your video sharing. Truly know exactly how you feel as I feel the same way very often. I am an addicted mess! Over the years I have fought and scrapped through drugs, then alcohol, sex, cigarettes and eventually food. Now that I am on a journey to health through using God’s good foods to heal the body I’ve abused for 40+ years, I no longer have a vice, an addiction I can turn to. Why can’t I be addicted to excersize or drinking water or something healthy? So grateful that God loves me and is long-suffering. As he is with you. Depression is something we may never understand this side of the veil and as I struggle with it today myself, I’m so grateful for your willingness to be open and put yourself out there. As misery loves company, it’s just good to know I’m not alone. As you said, “What a difference a day makes…” sister, God’s Word promises that joy comes in the morning. He loves us. That’s all we need. We have to cling to that. Physical needs will be met as we place Him first. You are amazing and doing great! You can do this! And when you find yourself in the pit, know that you’re not alone. ((hugs)) Ginger

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Jodi April 10, 2013 at 9:56 pm

Holly,
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I experienced the same for years. I took the meds and then took even more meds but still suffered. When I first became ill, and sensitive to chemicals, I stopped trusting all chemicals, including medications. I stopped the antidepressants. I’m not saying YOU should but this is what I did. I also stopped the therapy because I felt I was just dragging myself through the muck with every visit. Instead I had an epiphany.

I realized that depression is just a warning light. It’s the indicator that says that you are off track from what you want for yourself. It is that space between where you are and where you want to be and as long as you focus on that, you will not be happy. You need to either get going for what you want or come to terms with where you are and view it differently. Or both. I apologize if this seems over simplified, but I found it to be true for me. Change your thoughts and change your life is so true and freeing and once I embraced that I have been free of depression. Now when I start to feel blue, I realize tht my thoughts are off track and I change them. I ask myself, are these current thoughts serving me? Or just making me suffer? If they are I honestly say out loud “stop it!” And let it go.

When you give up your old eating habits or “stuffing feeling habits” you are bound to be faced with unresolved feelings. The part that sucks is that know you have to face them and get through them instead of burying them. But you will. The only way they will hurt you is if you bury them.

As for your hormones, you realize that your fat cells store the extra estrogen that comes along with poor food or evironmental sources so as you pop those fat cells, you are releasing stored estrogen and you are going to experience a surge until all the excess leaves your body. It’s not fun, I am going through it myself. But just think of it as all the toxins leaving in a flood. It’s a good thing. Better out than in.

Hang in there! You are making that change for your life. This is a detox. If it was easy, you wouldn’t have turned to food in the first place to avoid it, but you’re stronger now and you can get through it.
All my best!
Jodi
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Inga April 10, 2013 at 10:06 pm

I see your anger during your depressed videos, you were annoyed at yourself? I think so. Perhaps your anger is misplaced, your husband was a rotten no good jerk to you, yet you never seem adequately angry at him, more sad when you post about him. Maybe you should sit down and write him a poison pen letter and tell him everything you’ve been wanting to (OR SHOULD’VE) for many years and were too frightened to. I’ve had similar marital issues and weight issues as you and was also left by a jerk of a husband with four young children. When he left. Finally I told him every darn thing I despised about him and then never spoke more than a few words to him again. Years later I have so little connection to him that he feels like a complete stranger to me and that’s good. Our children seem like mostly mine and I’m amazed they are half his when think about it.

I’m just saying you seem to be punishing yourself and angry at yourself, give yourself a break, be angry at the right person, not yourself. If what I’ve said seems to intrusive or off the wall, please forgive me. I’m not a shrink, but I recognize what I think is displaced anger.

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AD April 11, 2013 at 1:51 am

I used to think I was unhappy because I am fat. Now I realize I am fat because I am unhappy.

I, too, suffer from bouts of depression (don’t even have the energy to get up from bed/brush my teeth/wash my face in the morning) and it has come and went. Just this morning I was feeling especially moody and I felt an irrestible urge to stuff my face with – you guessed it – cookies! I had an intense craving for carbs but I held out. From my experience the five minutes wroth of euphoria that one cookie bring is not worth the 3 days of sugar hangover after. I’m waiting for the sunny days to come back, but for now I’m abstaining from bagels for dear life.
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Laura April 11, 2013 at 6:42 am

You can do this, Holly, even through the tough times. I’ve got a whack-job woman who tries to take over my mind, too. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to lose my 90-100 lbs, but I’m doing the things that work for me little-by-little. I’m in a program based on attraction, rather than promotion and little-by-little, it’s helping. It’s a slow process. Let’s just try not to give in to the sugar–all he** breaks loose when we do that!
Hang in there–you are worth it.
~Laura

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Paule April 11, 2013 at 1:46 pm

This is exactly how I often feel after loosing weight and still struggling to maintain it.. (I used to wake up at 3 am and eat about 3000kcal in one go)

I found a few remedies very very helpful:
1. Go to bed 8:30, long sleep tend to help my hormones a lot.
2. In case of anxiety attack: drink 1 litre of warm water and lay down. Try to relax every muscle of your body and pray with your heart: “Jesus, I trust in You”.

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Jayne April 11, 2013 at 5:12 pm

Oh Holly, I can so relate to you, thank you so much for being so honest and vulnerable. When I am going through a difficult time I tend to look and your pictures and see your success and silently I think to myself that surely you never have those days….it must be only me because surely there is something wrong with me….. Today I am headed to the tubs to soak my head and do my walking….You truly seem to me like the sister I never had. Praying for you and hoping that somehow something I say will encourage you the way your blog encourages Me. Love You.

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Misty April 11, 2013 at 5:54 pm

I did the same with exercise! Our vehicle recently broke down leaving me with out a way to the gym. Even though I haven’t been going to the gym I have been walking/doing squats and yet I still was saying “I haven’t worked out”. I think instead of saying I haven’t worked out maybe I should tell my mind I just haven’t worked out like I do at the gym. πŸ™‚
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Trish April 11, 2013 at 8:18 pm

Seriously have been in the pits here lately. Think I’m crawling out now. Love the videoing idea. Great idea. And I just have to say Holly, you look fantastic!
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Christine A. April 11, 2013 at 10:38 pm

God bless you sweetheart. Prayed for you all the way through and still am. Depression is tough. I watched my mom go through it for years and I had my battle with it too. Both were all hormonal, and sucked bigged time. We are all pulling for you. Have a good time with your dad, regardless of the past.

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Wendie April 12, 2013 at 5:14 am

I am sorry you are struggling! I understand all too well. But I just want to tell you that I love you and your blog and even in the “pit” I think you are beautiful…. Inside and out!
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Julie April 12, 2013 at 6:26 am

God bless you honey. Prayers coming your way. You have no idea how much you help others with your blogs and vlogs. Seriously, there are numerous days I can’t get out of bed long enough to pick my child up from school and I have to rely on family members for help due to chronic pain and depression. We will get through these tough times and things will get better. Especially with Him on our side!!

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Cindy April 12, 2013 at 10:04 pm

This post is exactly what I needed today. I’ve been struggling with old demons creeping back in, and feeling like such a failure. It’s comforting knowing I’m not alone, and watching you get back on the horse after fighting your way out of the pit was so inspirational. I appreciate your willingness to show these videos. They truly helped me put things in perspective.

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Gen April 13, 2013 at 9:10 am

I made it through all of them.
Did it scare me away? No. Because it shows that I’m not the only one out there that is saved, but still deals with depression. That is one of my weaknesses….and the Enemy knows it. I had a guy in our church state that deep depression doesn’t happen to those that truly love the Lord. Soooooo what did the Enemy do? “See I told you it wasn’t real.” So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for showing that HE was wrong (because I don’t think that’s one of his weaknesses) and that the Enemy was wrong. You will never know how much I appreciate the fact knowing that the “Doomsday. All is doom” doesn’t just happen to me. And yes, that pit is steep and slippery and hard to get out of some time. Most of the time because you don’t “feel like it.” Love ya girl!
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Cathy April 13, 2013 at 5:08 pm

Several of my friends developed severely tough, recurrent depression on low-carb diets. Maybe you’ll want to Google around about that…(if you haven’t already)?

Their depression did not lift until they added back foods like beans (lentils, split peas, kidneys, etc.) and fruits (although they avoided bananas, dried fruit, pineapple…things that are higher on the Glycemic Index). Most were already eating plenty of vegetables – and weren’t interested in adding the starchy ones for obvious reasons.

Obviously, it’s a rock and a hard place, because your results with low carb have been so phenomenal – and the idea of more carbs is scary for good reason. You’ve probably read about the Glycemic index, how different foods have very different impacts on insulin levels (which drive hunger). Even foods that aren’t low carb, like many fruits and the beans, can still avoid the insulin trap.

You have come so far and never given up. I know you’re going to make it past this struggle, too. All I could think of when I read your post was my normally happy friend, who after a lengthy time on a low-carb diet, couldn’t do anything but cry and wish she was dead. They tried every anti-depressant. Nothing worked. She added back some low glycemic carbs, and it was like the lights came on again – and she didn’t gain weight.

You know your body better than anyone. You know what you can do and what you can’t. You’ll be the one to figure out what works for you.

I know you can do it. You’ve already proved that in spades.

Love,

Cathy

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Lea April 19, 2013 at 5:05 pm

Holly, I hope everything is okay and that you are just busy living life!! You are missed. Post when you can!! πŸ™‚

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Belinda Mcclure April 25, 2013 at 6:16 am

Well, that it bothers you tells me that it’s something to look into. Ever considered going to see someone? Talk about it with your doctor? Go see a counselor? I feel like this all time, it’s very difficult for me to find the motivation to do the simplest things lately, I want to sleep ALL the time, but I happen to know I’m currently depressed. and not just “down” depressed, but “dark hole” clinical depression, and I realized this because this is not normal for me. I say go talk to someone.
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jen ellertson April 29, 2013 at 4:45 am

THANK YOU for writing this!! it’s ME!! i noticed that in the videos were you are in a pit, your whole face looks different then when you are on the other side! i do & and my son, are dealing with depression BAD suicidal depression and we don’t know why. he is in therapy I am not. but it makes sense hormones.
again THANK YOU for posting this, it really helps.

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Sue May 2, 2013 at 9:47 am

Its interesting when you say the anti-depressants that use to work are no longer working.

As it may be your hormones, have you read Dr Turners book about the Hormone Diet. I’ve heard good reviews about it. It may give you a few ideas.

You are now going through a low peak, which is part and parcel of life, but like everything, it will pass. Its how you react to it that counts.

But you have the strength to overcome this and it will make you stronger. Just keep plugging away. You have achieved so much!

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Angie September 17, 2013 at 8:35 pm

OMG I am So glad I stumbled upon your blog. I thought I was starting to loose my mind. I have lost about 40 lbs the last year & want to loose about 40 more. I go from super over emotional one day to knowing how someone who is PMSing can murder someone the next. I just started noticing this with the weight loss. I have talked to both my Gyno & therapist about this & no one seems to be concerned about it but me. Like you one day I am holding back tears all day, the next I am fine, & then back again. I feel like I am loosing my mind. Do you have any suggestions for anything that has helped?!

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Chloe September 20, 2013 at 12:28 am

I’m bipolar and while searching for information about depression after weight loss I found your post. I’ve always been big. But after my 2nd son was born in March I decided this time I was losing weight for the final time and this has been my most successful attempt ( 25 kgs or 55 pounds so far.) But now I’m miserable, I’m sad and I’m showing all signs of what I do before a major depressive episode. Looking back the last 2 times I have lost weight it did trigger major depressive episodes. This time I have 2 boys who need me, a partner and a family I need to support I can’t afford to get down again. So much of what you have said makes sense to how I’m feeling. I’ve also read a lot about how maybe I ate as a way to comfort and now that comfort is gone. Regardless thank you for an awesome post and a chance to think about what I should do next

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katie October 26, 2015 at 10:11 pm

Well, I always have depression when I am on a diet, especially low calorie diet. I do not even know what to do with that =(
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