He’s Just Not That Into You

March 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Back in November, I met someone

Yes—a man

GASP!

I know….

This will mark the first time I have ever spoken about this topic on here

Unless it was referring back to my divorce

So here we go….

 

I am going to tell you about this vaguely

So as to protect the innocent and not so innocent!!

But I’ll give you the necessary details

For you to give me the feedback you always do!

Ya know…..this is  just me blasting my life out as usual

To whoever wants to know!

 

I met him through someone I trust

It wasn’t a set up or a blind date or anything like that

Because I don’t do any of that

I don’t pursue men

I mostly hide from them 🙂

(That was my attempt at humor laced with some truth)

 

We just happened to both be in the same place at the same time

Both invited to the same event

But because we were introduced through a mutual friend

Who has known him for over 20 years

I gave him the benefit of the doubt

 

This man was handsome, funny, and kind

And he ended up spending a lot of time with me and my kids

I never would let a man I barely know spend so much time with my children

But it was a unique circumstance

He was part of a select group of people that had been invited

Only the most loyal and trustworthy make it through

 

For the first time in years, I trusted what I saw in front of me

I believed every word and every action to just be what it appeared to be

And I began to smile again around a man

To laugh at his jokes

To  have conversations that seemed to mean something

Sharing stories of what it was like to be a single parent

He had children of his own whom he adored

And you could see that right away

It all seemed so comfortable

Something I never thought I would feel around a man again

 

Watching this man spend so much time with my children

Being so kind to them

That spoke straight to my heart

Because it’s not me that I care the most about

It’s my kids

 

I’ve heard men tell me in the past….”I’m ok with kids…”

OK??

My kids are not something to be ” just ok” with

 

I’ve heard some men say, “Well I can deal with children”

DEAL???

My children are not an issue that needs to be “dealt” with

 

I even had one man who had never had children tell me

“I’ve always had dogs and they’re just like kids.  You pat them on the head and they’ll be fine”

I have no response to that

NO RESPONSE

And I questioned if he even had dogs!

Because I have two dogs

And they require a lot more than just a pat on the head!!

 

My children are the most precious treasure from above

They are worth more than gold to me

Now don’t get me wrong…they’re kids

I know that

They aren’t perfect

And I don’t spoil them or expect everyone in the world to think they are perfect

 

But believe me when I say to you

My children are a gift from God

They are a treasure entrusted to me by the Most High King

They are more valuable then rubies

More precious than pearls

And no man that did not agree with that

Would ever get one inch in my door

 

So I saw this man treat my children

The way I would want them to be treated

He listened to every story they had to tell

As if it was the most interesting thing he’d ever heard

He played with them

He was patient with them

He gave them the gift of time

He even noticed the little things about them

What each child’s special gifts and talents were

That takes keen observation

And it really impressed me

 

THAT was what made him attractive to me

Not his height or hair color or any physical attribute at all

It was how he treated my children

Because THEY are my heart

 

I figured I would never see him again

But I was glad to have met him

To know that there are some wonderful men out there

But that was enough for me

I had no illusions that he was interested in me

I made no effort to ask if we could keep in touch

But I got an email that very night from him

And I was surprised

Because I hadn’t given him my email

He had to seek that out

He told me how wonderful it had been to spend time with my kids and me.

And then he asked for my phone number

 

Giving my phone number to a man is out of character for me.

But I did it.

Maybe I felt some spark of hope.

But I still could not imagine he was actually interested in me.

 

Why would he be interested in me?

ME?

No way.

So I just assumed he wanted to be  friends

After all, this guy had seen me in a bathing suit

We’d have to assume that would kill any passion for sure!

But he started contacting me every day

Texting me multiple times in a day from that moment on

 

I started taking pictures of our text messages

And emailing them to my best friend, Amanda

“What do you think this means??”, I’d ask her

“And what about this?”

 

I didn’t trust myself to ever know what a man was really up to

I’d gotten it wrong too many times before

I wasn’t about to make a fool of myself

I still couldn’t imagine he was interested in me

No matter what his actions seemed to say

 

I was wary and hesitant

Not always texting him back for hours at a time

Unsure of how to respond

What do you say back to someone in a text?

I don’t know!!

I live in a bubble people!

Me…my kids…2 cats and 2 dogs….

The only people that text me are my kids

And it’s usually

Can you pick up milk on the way home, Mom?

Or my brother who is asking me

Did you work out today?

Amanda and I don’t text

We email

She and I both have way too much to say

To fit it into a text!

So I started getting multiple texts from this man every day

And I wasn’t sure how to respond

If they say “What are you doing?

Do you answer with the truth

How attractive is that??

 

What are you up to?.….goes the text

And here comes the truth

Washing dishes

Cleaning the toilet

Watching TV

Grading papers

No…that’s not exciting enough….

Maybe I should say something else

But what???

The stress!!

 

Should I even text him back?

If I text him back right away won’t that make me look too available?

Maybe I should wait for awhile

But then he might think I don’t care

What do I do?????

ACK!!!

Sometimes I wouldn’t write him back

Because I didn’t want to lie about what I was doing

Cleaning the litter box

Folding laundry

Reading “Don’t Panic: How to control anxiety”

Because THAT has to be attractive, right?!

That’s what every man wants I’m sure, right?

A woman with panic problems!

 

If I didn’t respond back

He would text me 3 or 4 more times

Saying he was worried….was I ok?

A man wants to know if I’m ok?

What’s that all about?

The only man that usually ever asks me if I’m ok

Is my son

And it’s because I just stepped on a lego

Or slipped over a Matchbox car

 

I wasn’t used to someone keeping up with my comings and goings

It was strangely disconcerting at first

A little unnerving

But then I started getting used to it

And I decided

Well…if he’s going to ask me 20 times a day what I’m doing

Then I guess I’ll go with the truth

That’s the best policy, right?

 

So when he asked what I was doing one morning

I told him the truth

“I’m at the ENT’s office…Ear, Nose and Throat”

Why he asked?

Well you see….my ear is clogged with wax and I have to get it cleaned out

I mean that was the truth you know?

I am who I am

And that’s it

I’m almost 41…I don’t have the energy to pretend I’m someone else

It’s too exhausting!

So I told him the truth

Because that’s what I was doing

At that moment

 

He didn’t seem to mind

In fact  he told me about his Plantar Fascitis

And the pain in his feet

Shoe inserts helped he said (in case anyone is curious)

Good to know…

Ok now we’re on a roll

We’re both talking about our physical ailments

Now THIS Is a conversation I can keep up with!

 

He told me I should watch that show Homeland

I said “That sounds interesting”

And then the next day he wanted to know if I’d seen it

But I hadn’t

Now wait...I thought

Was this a test?

Like a homework assignment?

Was I supposed to watch it so we could discuss?

Men like to have things in common with women

I thought to myself

Aren’t relationships built on common interests?

Yes…Yes…I think I read that somewhere

So Homeland it is!

I found it on Amazon and put it on

“Kids, we’re watching Homeland!”

OOPS…should have read the reviews first

The very first scene was a sex scene with nudity

My mistake…..

I didn’t realize this was on Showtime

 

My kids and I are a team

We always have been

I don’t hide anything from them

My phone is right there on the couch or the table for anyone to see

He texted you again“, CJ would say

And other times I’d get a message saying

Tell CJ the Cowboys are playing”

Because they had watched football together when they first met

 

The kids got accustomed to this daily flow of messages too

And they were excited about it

For the first time EVER

My kids actually liked the idea of me letting a man in their life

They thought he was great

But I kept telling them he could not really be interested in me

I just couldn’t believe it!!

My daughters, Savannah and Annabelle, would say

“Wake Up Mom! It’s obvious!”

After all,  if a guy texts you that much…..he’s interested.…they said

 

I kept showing my best friend, Amanda

And my daughters the emails and texts

To see if I was reading too much into it.

How was I to know if a man was interested in me??

I have been out of the game a long time.

 

So I decided to ask him directly

To just put it straight on the table

I was going to take no chances at misunderstanding the situation

Because deep down I didn’t really believe a man like this

Would ever really want ME

 

So I asked him…”Are you interested in me?”

Because I needed to know

You see, I don’t sit around texting men all day long

I don’t stop what I’m doing 20 times a day to reply to a man’s texts

I don’t stop what I’m doing to spend an hour and a half talking to a man on the phone

Not unless there seems to be a purpose to it

I don’t just do it to kill time or fight boredom

I don’t pursue men at all

But this one seemed special

He was different

So it seemed worthwhile

 

But I needed to know what was going on

I mean suddenly this man has entered my life

And he’s texting me multiple times a day

Calling me

And now my kids are involved

 

I told him I would not be offended at all if he said he wasn’t interested

I just needed to know

I just wanted to understand where he was coming from

His intentions with the constant texting and phone calls

He responded “YES…I am interested in you.”

It shocked me

 

Then I told him he was too far out of my league

I wish I hadn’t said it

It sounds terribly pathetic I know

Because it reveals my own insecurities

But I did

That response came rolling right out

But he assured me that it was I who was out of HIS league!!

 

I guess a part of me was just so enthralled

With the very idea that he was interested in me!

That he was saying all these things to me!

And that I knew I could believe him

I knew this wasn’t some random guy off the street that I didn’t really know

It was the trusted friend of a friend

So I started to think I could believe it

 

Then I woke up to a “Good Morning” text from him

Like I had every morning for 4 months

And that was it

I never heard from him again

 

I wondered what was wrong.

I had sent back a reply of “Good Morning” like I always did

But he never responded

I  wasn’t going to text him again

Because I have a rule about that

I never initiate texts or phone calls with men

EVER

 

You see,  I refuse to pursue men

I spent too many years of my life married to a man

Who was always pursuing other women

I decided 7 years ago when he left

That I would never do that again

That if a man wanted me….he knew where I was

But he’d have to make it clear

I determined that being alone was better

Than chasing a man I had to convince to be with me.

And trust me—it is better

FAR BETTER

To be alone with yourself

Than with a man who makes you feel invisible

 

Besides–I have a good life

Even with my occasional bouts of  loneliness

And the  routine pity party at times

Because for the most part

I’m quite content!!

 

I don’t actively search for anyone

Instead I just pray that if God wants me to be with someone

He’ll deliver him to me!

My kids know where I stand on this subject

That’s why Charlotte said when the cable man appeared in the backyard

“Hey Mom…God dropped one out of the sky for you!”

We had a good laugh about that!

(He was married by the way….yes I checked…gotta be sure!)

 

Throughout this whole process

I prayed continually that God would guide it in the direction He wanted

That if  this man was meant to be in my life

God would make that clear

And if this man was NOT the one for me

That God would squash it

I prayed that specific prayer on a Wednesday morning

And that Thursday was the last text I ever received from that man

Apparently God answers some prayers in time

And others within 24 hours

 

We  don’t always get our prayers answered

In the way we had hoped

That’s why I pray HIS will be done

Not mine

Because even when I think I know what is best for my life

I find that He really knows better

 

So when this man stopped contacting me

I let it go.

I knew he was alive because he was still posting to Facebook

One of the joys of modern technology

You never have to wonder if someone is blowing you off!

You’ll know!

 

I wondered though what had happened.

There had not been one single day in 4 months since we met

That he had not contacted me through text or a phone call

Not even on his busiest day

But deep down I feared the answer

And I didn’t want to know

 

Somewhere inside of me lived the possible scenario

That I was going to feel foolish all over again

And I didn’t want to feel that again in relation to a man

When a week went by

Curiosity got the best of me

I called our mutual friend to see

If  he knew what had happened

He did

 

Our mutual friend had asked this man

What his intentions were towards me

And apparently this man said

That he never had any interest in me at all.  

That he never had thought of me that way in the least bit. 

His explanation for all the phone calls, text messages and emails?

“I like encouraging her”

 

Encouraging me?

I don’t get it

Do I look like someone who needs encouragement 20 times a day

I mean make no mistake

I do like to be encouraged

And yes—I probably do need it 20 times a day

But…

I’m waiting for you”

“You deserve to be spoiled”

“You’re beautiful and amazing”

“You should move here”

Is that what we call encouragement in 2013?

 

Maybe I’ve been out of the game too long

But that used to be called something OTHER than encouragement

Then again….the last time I was in the world of dating

It was 1995

So maybe things have changed

He told our friend he would call me to let me know

That I “misunderstood” it all

But he never did.

Luckily I had my friend to tell me what was going on

Because THAT isn’t embarrassing at all

 

Just another friendly reminder to ya’, Holly

That NO ONE is interested in you

Not even after you’ve lost 225 pounds…ok??

That’s kind of how it felt when this happened

Those were  the thoughts that rolled around in my head

But I am trying to see it objectively

I mean the whole thing was interesting at least

Spending 4 months talking 20 times a day to this man

Telling him the ins and outs of my day

And it did give me at least ONE post I can write on the subject of dating, right??

 

People often ask me if I’ll ever write about that

Will you tell us who you’re dating?

But I have nothing to tell!

This is as close as it gets!

And it wasn’t even real!

 

The whole experience was quite the roller coaster

Flurries of text messages

With me trying to decipher what they meant

Amanda and my daughters reading them

And coming up with our own analysis

I had a team on the task, y’all!

And we still got it wrong!

 

Was there sarcasm hidden in the texts that I didn’t pick up on?

Does “I’m waiting for you” really mean something else in text-speak?

Sometimes there were texts

Sometimes there were emails

Sometimes there were phone calls

And sometimes there was Facebook

 

Within all of that we have to decipher what a person really means

When they text you 10 or 20  times in a day does that mean something?

Or is this just what people do now when they’re bored?

Back in the day, if you called me 10 times in a day it probably meant something

Either you really liked me which was cool

If I liked you back

Or you were a stalker

And I’d change my number

 

When Amanda and I were in college

We had no internet

If someone wanted to talk to you, they had to call

And hope the phone wasn’t busy

 

Amanda and I lived in the dorms

There was no internet!

We had a word processor though

And that was high tech back then!

We would type our paper up on the word processor

And then the word processor would bang it out for us

We’d have to replace the paper when it got to the end

We were proud of that word processor too

High Tech, I’m telling you!!!

 

We had an answering machine

With a cassette tape

If the tape got all filled up, no one else could leave a message

Sometimes the tape got caught in the machine and then it would’t work either

We had a phone and an answering machine

And that was it

 

Maybe things were more mysterious back then

Back in the 80’s and 90’s

If someone didn’t contact you

You could assume a million different reasons

Console yourself with your version of the truth

But in 2013, you’ll know if someone is blowing you off

By checking the 5 other social media outlets they hang out on

To see if they’re alive

 

No more waiting for the phone to ring like we did when we were young

Always picking up the receiver to make sure it still had a dial tone

Because of course the only reason a guy isn’t calling you back

Is because someone cut the phone lines…right??!

I mean that HAS to be the reason!!!!!

 

Attempting to decipher someone’s intentions in 2013 is much different

In some ways easier

In some ways more complicated

You have to get a text and read between the lines

Then go ask your kids what BRB and TTYL means!

It all reminds me of this scene from that movie

“He’s Just Not That Into You”

 

 

Maybe I am missing a piece of the puzzle.

I am sure that I am.

In the 4 months I was talking to this man daily

He seemed to be a wonderful guy.

More and more wonderful with each conversation .

Either the warnings weren’t there or I just didn’t see them.

I certainly do have a habit in my life of NOT seeing men through the right lens

But I thought I was getting better at it!!

This made me distrust myself completely.

 

The worst part was the kids disappointment

That is what hurt me the most

He had spent so much time with them when we met

And they just liked him A LOT

I think that upset me the most

That I allowed them to get their hopes up

And once again be confused by someone who disappears never to be heard from again

 

But we  were never really a couple

We were never really in a relationship .

We were never even dating

They were just texts and emails and phone calls

Things that all seemed to convey a message

That in the end spelled nothing!

 

We didn’t live near one another but from the day I met him, he contacted me daily.

With increasing frequency as time went by.

He kept in constant contact with me.

When I opened my eyes in the morning

The first thing I saw was a message from him saying “Good morning”

And throughout the day he kept up with me .

Wanting to know what was going on with the kids.

How the doctor appointments were coming along with Annabelle

Always supporting me in my day to day life

Oh wait….maybe that’s the encouragement he was talking about

Maybe that’s all it was!

 

Saying I should move there

That he was waiting for me

That fed my confusion I suppose

Maybe he just changed his mind or lost interest

I mean it happens, right?

And I wouldn’t even blame him

THAT I could understand

I mean…..

Cleaning out litter boxes and earwax

Grocery shopping and folding laundry

I guess it’s not glamorous

But that’s my life!

 

It’s weird to talk to someone every single day for 4 months

And then to suddenly never hear from them again

Suddenly I feel a strange bond with Manti Te’O

Whose girlfriend turned out to be a guy

Nothing more than the fictional creation of someone

With too much time on their hands

And then I wonder

Does this person have my number too?

But I know my guy was real

Because I met him in person

Unless that was a figment of my imagination too!

 

All of this led me to doubt myself.

It made me think that I’m still not good enough.

I think maybe deep down a lot of us think that.

Those of us who have struggled with obesity.

We think no one will ever see past the weight.

And for the first time I was starting to believe

That maybe someone could see ME.

Maybe they could stop only seeing my weight

 

Guess where that led me?

Straight to the food aisle.

Old habits die hard

And insecurity will bring you back to food

Quicker than anything

So will losing your pride

No one wants to feel rejected and humiliated

And food seems to always make that feeling go away

At least for a little while

 

I didn’t go completely off the rails

But I still used food for comfort

And that is a dangerous behavior to let creep back into my life

I allowed myself to sit with those thoughts too long

“Will I ever be good enough for any man?”

That line of thinking never brings answers

Only  Oreos

 

Being single or divorced brings that lie to your mind….

That because you’re alone, you are not good enough

And even though I know better, I let it happen.

I let those thoughts sink in and consume me.

Questioning and doubting my worth all over again.

Like I did when my husband left me

And where did that lead?

Right back to the food.

 

I walked right back to that prison

Like someone who had never spent one day in freedom.

Back to the chains I went.

Because that’s all comfort-seeking in food will ever bring you

MORE CHAINS

 

So full disclosure—I gained back 5 pounds

Over the course of about 2 weeks

The funny thing was that after a little while went by

I was no longer thinking about this man

And what he thought of me

Or didn’t think of me

 

I had pretty much let all of that go and forgotten all about it

But the food now had its claws in me

And letting go of IT

Was an entirely different scenario

 

That is always how it goes

When we comfort ourselves with food

We use it to get over a temporary problem

But when the temporary problem has passed….

We are still left with the food

That now owns us all over again.

 

Food is the friend that comes to comfort you

But then refuses to leave

Food lets you cry on its shoulder

But then when you feel better

It won’t let you go.

 

So I had to wake up

And put myself back on a sugar detox

One full week of cold turkey

And I dropped those 5 pounds right back off

My freedom has returned

The chains of sugar are broken again

This has reminded me how important it is not to medicate with food

To stay away from trigger foods

To not give into sugar

 

But more importantly it has revealed to me

That I must work harder at knowing people

REALLY knowing them

So that I see the warning signs when things are not as they seem

Not to blame someone else

But rather to be someone who is awake and aware

Who can guard her heart and her mind

Protect her children and herself

And preserve her sanity!

 

This is the life of a single Mom sometimes

But still I would not trade the things I have been through

Because it is by experiencing the hurts and the struggles

That we truly grow

And move beyond feeding our hearts with food

And start feeding our minds with truth

 

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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Vertical Mom March 28, 2013 at 6:17 pm

He was not a man of integrity. You asked him if he was interested. He said yes to you and then no to your friend. You didn’t miss anything other than a lot more heartache down the road. Sounds like you dodged a bullet there but it doesn’t make it feel any better. YOU are beautiful…seriously. Every time I see your pictures I am just wowed with your beauty. Save that for someone who sees you as the treasure you truly are – a daughter of the King of Kings.
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Linda Sherwood March 28, 2013 at 6:37 pm

I totally second what Vertical Mom wrote. Also, my day to day activities sounds an awful lot like yours — not terribly interesting.
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jennxaz March 28, 2013 at 6:41 pm

You know I think it was a good lesson for everyone. Your kids are going to model their relationships from the way you model relationships. I think it was great that you let them know and you handled it with class. The guy could have wanted someone who was more into him…he could have wanted you to show more emotion..but you did what you were ready to do…it was a baby step in letting someone get to know you and reinforcing to you what you want in a relationship. Thanks for sharing those intimate feelings! I heart you!

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Caron March 28, 2013 at 6:43 pm

“Poser” is what my daughters call a person like that. It is hard to believe people are so uncaring, but they just are a lot of the time. Hang in there, Holly. Yep, dodged a bullet for sure.
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Anele @ Success Along the Weigh March 28, 2013 at 6:58 pm

1) Thank you for sharing that, I know it had to be difficult.
2) I think that whole wasn’t really interested thing was a cop out. You don’t text someone that much if you’re just trying to “encourage” them. (I assume, I don’t text, period) Whatever his reasoning for wussing out, HIS LOSS and you deserve better anyway.
3) You handled it with the grace you do in most situations so be proud you’re still a shining example for your children.

I found myself turning to food recently and feeling like I want to in other situations due to things out of my control for the next few months. Can’t go there. I won’t always win that battle but as long as I win it more than I lose it, I hope it all evens out in the end.
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cat March 28, 2013 at 7:13 pm

Holly… Lady…. really, I mean have you looked in that mirror lately and said hi to that gorgeous, vibrantly healthy woman that stares back at you?
I guess it’s going to take you a while to realize that stunning woman in the mirror is you. Glad you’re back to the grind after that guy. 🙂

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Amanda March 28, 2013 at 7:32 pm

Oh Holly…I second what others have already said. 1- You dodged a major bullet! 2- You are stunning! STUNNING! Beautiful inside and out, intelligent, caring, kind, funny, determined, honest…..and the guy who deserves you SHOULD BE WILLING TO WALK THROUGH FIRE to be with you! Because YOU are WORTH IT!

And if he – whoever he is, this he, the next “he”, well, if he can’t see it, then he isn’t “the one”.

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Teri Carter March 28, 2013 at 7:53 pm

Well a similar thing has just happened to me, only I couldn’t let it go on that long. He flirted with me, he text me, he called me, he was at my house every day because he was doing work for my HOA. He asked me out on a date, we laughed over dinner for 2 hours then went to a movie. He never made any physical move but that is fine I have a daughter and I, like you don’t let just anyone into our cocoon. So one night after my daughter was fast asleep he asked to come say hi when he got off work (having completed the job in my condo). I met him outside and I asked him straight up, he was honest, he said he is very interested in me but due to baggage he is still dealing with he wouldn’t and couldn’t take it to the next level with me. He wants to be my “friend”. I guess at least he is honest? but it still felt like a stab to my slightly twitterpated little heart.
It is to bad this guy wasn’t just honest with you and remained a close friend! What a jerk to just stop talking to you!!!
Good luck Holly you are beautiful and if it meant to be it will be.
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Ducky March 28, 2013 at 8:55 pm

I don’t think you missed anything. Electronic communication makes deception easy and I’ll just put it out there…He was an asshole. Unfortunately a lot exist…both in men and women so don’t think I’m hating just on men 😀 The good news is that some fantastic ones DO exist and you ARE worth it! I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t have feelings of self doubt after experiencing what you did. You are amazing not only for sharing but sharing so honestly! I adore you!!
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Tess March 28, 2013 at 9:11 pm

Want me to beat him up for you? 😉 As others have said, you handled this perfectly, IMO. What you said about going to food for a temporary problem, then even after that problem is gone the food is still there…VERY insightful and true!! I’m glad you could pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get back at it, good for you! Perhaps this was a test. Perhaps this was a lesson. Either way, you survived it, don’t ever forget that. As for “him”, he’s missing out on a lovely lady and family. And now at least you won’t be interrupted 20 times a day!

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Faith March 28, 2013 at 9:14 pm

Holly, I rolled around what I wanted to say for quite awhile in my head and it will probably come out completely jumbled. But first and foremost, I hope you recognize and see what we the readers of your blog and the people who have the privilege of encountering you in real life see. Physically, a beautiful woman who has made a transformation that is so astounding it leaves me shaking my head when I look at your before and in progress photos. Emotionally what you have overcome is even greater than your weight loss (in my opinion).
You were essentially abandoned, abused, neglected and rejected and out of all of that you have risen (from a fire). When I read your words, I take them to heart, you are one of the FEW Christians I have complete and utter respect for because you have only ever lived out your faith instead of wagging a finger at the world or shaking a fist at those who struggle with their own confusion in this area.
I would encourage you to not give up on the idea or hope of a future relationship with someone. I truly believe that if the desire is inside of you to be with someone, then your “person” is out there waiting for you. Clearly, this man was not him. And while I do believe this kind of deceit has been going on since the beginning of time, I think it’s easier in this day and age with the access we have to social media (texting, twittering, face booking, emailing, cell phones, skyping, chat rooms etc) for people to be more easily dishonest.
If I had to take any number of guesses about why Mr. Wrongforyou did that, I would say that it had nothing to do with you, Holly. He could have been stringing along several women and needed to cut one from his list because he became overwhelmed. Perhaps he discovered your blog and saw how absolutely real you are and maybe it was too much for his shallow and selfish heart to handle?
At the end of the day though, this is on him and something that he will have to eventually deal with. It will catch up to him via him doing it to another woman who does not handle it with such grace and dignity etc. And while I know your heart hurts, please believe (truly believe) that you are are as priceless as the way your own dear kiddos are priceless to you.

Much love,
Faith

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Courtney March 28, 2013 at 9:35 pm

I’m a little leery of men who try that hard. Whether you’re interested in someone for a romantic relationship or a friendship that amount of communication so quickly is too much. These things need to progress naturally, not be forced. And if he was just trying to “encourage” you as he claimed to your friend he could use some clarification on what that involves. After all you’re a person, not a project.

Sorry that you had to go through that and the food backlash–it seems all that “encouragement” backfired a bit! You ARE worthy of love and a beautiful person inside and out.
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Karen March 28, 2013 at 9:59 pm

Men are dogs. The bible says so. Truly. It is in there. I’m so feeling you, dear. My husband of 16 years walked out on me in September. The divorce was final in December. I have a mental illness and he was tired of caring my me and my autistic son. He does come around to see Nick and he does things for me to be sure we have what we need but he isn’t there for me emotionally. It has been a rude awakening to find myself on my own. I have two grown daughters but they have families of their own. I’m fast approaching 50 and I don’t think I will ever be ready to be back in the dating frame of mind. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust a man with my heart again. I also turned to food when my marriage began to fail. I was maintaining a 200 pound loss but now I’m back up to 250. Things were so good and now they feel so wrong. I admire your honesty in posting this. You handled yourself with grace.
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FreeJulie March 28, 2013 at 10:48 pm

I wasn’t able to finish reading the whole post yet – I’ll be back! But I wanted to say, first off, screw him. Second off, as a dating single mom, I have a 20 mile limit on anyone I would ever consider dating. 🙂 Long-distance relationships in this social media age, even, would just be too surreal for me. If you had been able to actually see this man in person, you would have been able to read the situation – whatever the heck it was!! I am very sorry that you were hurt. You are such a wonderful, positive person – I have to believe he was captivated by that…and then likely met a local girl and started dating. (Because long-distance relationships are yucky!)

Anyway, thank you for having the courage to post, and I am, again, so sorry you were hurt. You have done so wonderfully for yourself and your kids – you deserve it all. I hope you get it. 🙂
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Angela March 29, 2013 at 12:09 am

I am nearly speechless except for, what a jerk and I am so proud of you and in awe of your strength. Your policy to not pursue a man and the fact that you stick to your policy is admirable. He’s a jerk and you are a winner; a fantastic example for your daughters. Never let another person control you or have power over you.

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Paula March 29, 2013 at 12:14 am

Sounds like he was playing some sort of twisted game. I agree with the other person that a man that is so over the top right from the start is up to something. I’m sorry that you let your guard down, most of us would have too since your friend knew him etc. Not sure why he thought he was helping you by encouraging you, that just sounds like something he made up. Good riddance, let him go and toy with somebody else. Glad you stopped your resorting to food quickly before it got out of control.

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Steph March 29, 2013 at 12:22 am

Whew you went to the way back machine word processors, answering machines with cassette tape an busy signals…..for the record I think this guy needed you to encourage him and his ego which is selfish relationships are about give and take … Good riddance
Big hugs to you 🙂

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Deb March 29, 2013 at 12:36 am

Holly,
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. What was wrong with this situation was HIM and not you in anyway. I’m guessing his reply to the friend was based on the fact he knew the way he acted was wrong but didn’t want to look bad….We share some similar experiences; divorce, emotional abuse, turning to food and connecting with others as not only a single parent but in a totally different(tech) world, so I have had some of those same thoughts/feelings. I wonder if I will ever be trust again too but I know there are good people in the world. As for turning to food and the 5 lbs….everytime we get back up we grow stronger as “practice” is what makes us better at everything we do 🙂
I admire you for sharing your journey and please know you are not only an inspiration but also comforting to others.
Blessings to you and your children,
Deb

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Trish March 29, 2013 at 1:10 am

You did nothing wrong. It wasn’t you. Who knows what his problem is?

It can be impossible sometimes to know what another person is truly like and what they are thinking if they are hiding it. I think we have to trust that they are who they say they are, who they seem to be, while still listening to our gut. We’ll still eventually find out some are jerks. Only way to prevent yourself from ever running into jerks is to close yourself off to everyone and that isn’t good or fair to yourself

“That because you’re alone, you are not good enough” I can totally relate to this line and this thinking. I am happy/glad/relieved to be divorced. It was a very bad marriage for me and after 14 yrs I finally found the courage to end it. But still in my limited forays into the dating world since I have found myself fighting this thought. I remind myself (and need to keep reminding myself loudly and more frequently!) I am brave, strong and better for being on my own and anyone rejecting me is doing it for their own reasons and maybe their own insecurities. I am myself now, not bending myself to fit into someone else’s ideal. I am a good, lovable person and you are too. If the right person comes along, they will see that and appreciate us for all we are. ((((Hugs)))) to you! You are a truly amazing woman.

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Anna March 29, 2013 at 1:25 am

UGH. and double UGH. Holly, the problem is HIM. NOT YOU. Don’t be fooled for even ONE SECOND. My heart hurts for you………. You are amazing, and handled the situation with so much more grace than I can even imagine. Hugs to you and your kiddos……

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Crystal @ Serving Joyfully March 29, 2013 at 1:27 am

This is crazy! You didn’t misread anything, HE is just a jerk! Seriously, at the beginning of this, when you were talking about how much he texted you and how he “worried” if you didn’t respond right away, I was thinking he seems to be coming on too strong, (which can some times be innocent, but sometimes can be because he’s a player/jerk/whatever, or that he’s controlling, etc.).

Sorry for you and your kiddos 🙁

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Kelly March 29, 2013 at 2:58 am

Hollie,

I went through a similar situation last year July through November. So similar that I got this erie feeling after reading your blog. It’s like these guys go to school and learn this type of antisocial behavior. Sas, but true. Count it all joy you dodged a bullet and your strength carries you through!

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Kerstin March 29, 2013 at 10:23 am

I echo much of what other readers said, you ARE a beautiful women, both inside and out. It feels kind of weird saying that to someone I don’t know personally but it certainly is how I see you from reading your blog and looking at your photos. I just love how you write, so raw and open and you are funny, too. I used to call guys like these three-months-burners. All hot and keen for three, or four, months and then suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. I am actually wondering whether he didn’t just simply meet someone else, perhaps more local to him, who he could now shower his neurotic attention on? Overactive attention like this, even if deep down you know it’s probably not that healthy (too much too soon), can be very flattering and make you feel good. I can’t tell you how many men I have fallen for because their attention made me feel good. Until one day I realized that this attention had always been about THEM, not me, or us. So I decided that I’d rather stay single and if I were ever to fall in love again it was not because of how a man made me feel (needed, wanted) but because of WHO he was. He had to pass my scrutiny and not the other way around. This change in attitude turned my life around and eventually led me to my wonderful husband 🙂

On a different note I continue to be in awe at how you are handling your relationship with food. You let it comfort you for a little while but then you got back on track after only a couple of weeks. That’s big. It shows how much you have grown in this journey, how far you have come not just on the scales but emotionally and mentally. You are an amazing woman.

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CindyR March 29, 2013 at 11:20 am

Dont lose heart! After I got divorced and started dating again I found that several men misrepresented themselves, their marital status, and their intentions. I got very computer savvy at running google searches, checking on-line records, etc. I thought I had found the most terrific, intelligent, faith based man. He travelled all over responding to world disasters with Samaritan’s Purse, sponsored by his Church, by his family, his friends, and his community with his beautiful wife and children waiting patiently for him to return safely. He fed me lies telling me he was travelling for business. I don’t know how he sleeps at night. I thought about calling his wife or exposing him to his church when I finally put all the pieces together, but I couldn’t do it. I later learned his wife does marital counseling in their church, what a laugh.

Don’t give up or let this experience sour you on taking future chances. There are a lot of decent men out there.

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Lori March 29, 2013 at 2:34 pm

I had a similar situation. After a rough breakup, another man came in to my life. He was too good to be true. I prayed and prayed for direction in that relationship because I didn’t want to get hurt again like I did the last time. We dated for a year. The type of dating where a Friday night dinner with his parents was understood. There was no doubt that we were a couple to everyone. To everyone but him. When someone else came along that he liked better, he dumped me in a worse way than the previous relationship. I was devastated. First by the breakup but second by God. I had prayed for the relationship constantly. How could He let that happen? Years later, I realized that God wasn’t wrong. That man had been in my life for a reason. There was a lesson I needed to learn from him. In hindsight, it is obvious to me that, the relationship never would have worked out permanently. In my limited, earthly vision, I could not see at the time what was happening. Instead I felt betrayed. It was a hard, hard time in my life. But I am better now.

Often now when I pray, I remember that situation and try my best to be open to how God is working even when I don’t realize it or understand it. Perhaps, that is why this man came in to and out of your life, for a lesson. It may be a while before you know what you were taught. You may not ever know.

You do know that you prayed about the relationship and that God allowed it. You know it was His will and that you and your children will be fine.
Lori

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marjaypen March 29, 2013 at 2:45 pm

I understand all that you said about how this man made you feel but I hope that you can believe the ENTIRE problem was with him, not you. He obviously is a man lacking character and I am glad he is out of your life because you deserve a wonderful man who will appreciate you for the wonderful woman that you are and love your kids too. I think he was a bit stalker-ish with the multiple texts and he clearly was intimating more than just friendship in my opinion. I agree with the person that posted he was probably stringing along several women and for some reason had to change his ways. Men like this are the ones that give people in general a bad name. I didn’t marry until I was 39 and had truly come to the place where I was quite happy and content with my life. I did stay open to the possibility of love and was fortunate to meet and marry a wonderful man. He loved me at 256 and still loves me at 359. They do exist! And he looks beyond the weight at the real me.

A book I found very helpful in teaching me about healthy relationships is Boundaries by Townsend and McCloud. It is especially helpful for those of us who have been deeply hurt in any relationship and helps with Godly counsel to understand how to have healthy relationships with healthy boundaries. I highly recommend it to anyone!

I know there are no words any of us can speak to make you feel better about the situation but I am praying God will truly fill your heart with the knowledge that the problem was Loser Man and not you and that you were brave to try and be open with him. And you pulled yourself back after only five pounds instead of letting the sugar monster take you down. That is amazing progress and speaks to real change.

You continue to inspire me on this journey my precious friend!

Have a blessed day!
Penney

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Callie ann Hanson March 29, 2013 at 4:01 pm

Sorry but I think that guy was a jerk. I personally think that in your and my situation. This is something I should have done. See the kids are what god gave you. They are your joy and your sunshine. Currently at this time in your kids life a man will just take away the attention from them. I what them to get all your attention. A man would get jealous of time you spend with them. My current husband did that. The kids our grown and gone now and I am happily married. But, when I first got divorced I should have focused on my kids and nothing else. I didn’t my mother was yelling “your 35 you will never get a man unless you search one out hurry up” So I was in a panic and did the first thing she said. On started the war between him and the kids…my crying all the time because I was the peanut butter in the middle of the sandwich… I should have stayed single. That guy that texted you everyday was weird. It creeps me out actually…
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Sheila March 29, 2013 at 4:22 pm

Awww, honey, I’m so sorry. But honestly, I think this was God’s way of getting you to test the waters. You have been very deeply hurt. And while you talk a LOT about food being a comfort, I’ve wondered (and you certainly don’t have to answer this!!!!) if you have ever considered or done any counseling? Because that negative voice in your head, well it may be in hiding, but it certainly reared it’s ugly head with this situation. And I don’t care WHO you are, we all have a negative voice, but there are ways and techniques to help combat that voice. You have been emotionally shattered by your ex, and that just doesn’t disappear overnight. You are working on this, and you are making progress, but this definitely made you question yourself. Now, if I were you, I would not just let it “go away”, I would be texting, saying, “look, you texted me every day for 4 months and quit cold turkey. Can you please explain yourself because I’m confused” but that is how I tend to deal with things. I used to not confront “issues”, I was the lady that would let 4 people come up NEXT to me at the deli counter and JUMP in front of me when asked who was NEXT. And at some point, I decided NO MORE. I will speak up and say (politely) “excuse me, I was here first” and if someone is offended, well then maybe next time they will think twice about just assuming that no one else exists. And maybe you don’t want to know the details, maybe that is better. But then I think you will always be left to wonder. Give him a chance to explain, and even if his explaination doesn’t add up (Oh, I like to encourage her…well why did THAT suddenly stop?) then at least you are making him own up to whatever his excuse may be. Or maybe it’s just better to let sleeping dogs lie. But either way, I’m sorry that someone has not been up front and honest with you. I KNOW he is out there, and someday God will lead him to you. Hugs Holly!

Oh and had to chuckle at this (because it was our sermon last Sun…do we get the God we WANT or the God we NEED?)And that last line is the answer always!

We don’t always get our prayers answered

In the way we had hoped

That’s why I pray HIS will be done

Not mine

Because even when I think I know what is best for my life

I find that He really knows better
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Christine March 29, 2013 at 4:34 pm

You are beautiful inside and out! Shame on that man for *leading* you on, ugh. Hang in there!
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Quinn March 29, 2013 at 5:29 pm

Igore the idiot… Your very inspirational… Their is a book ive been reading called, “Not Your Mothers Rules.” It is written by the authors of “The Rules.” It gives great advice on what to do and what not to do in dating.

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molly March 29, 2013 at 6:50 pm

Come on, Holly! Tell us how to contact this ?@$%^^.xcsdpwie! so we can all ask him twenty times a day what he is doing!! Please?

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Lisa Pickle April 11, 2013 at 2:23 pm

I’m in!!

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Jodi March 29, 2013 at 7:23 pm

Good riddance! Obviously the guy has problems. All the obsessive texting means he’s keeping a distance for a reason. If he was truly interested he would have wanted to see you and be with you. Which for you is a good thing THAT didn’t happen, for your children’s sake. It would have been much harder having them involved with a person that would bolt like that after spending time with you all. He was playing a game unfortunately. What a loser! A while back, I’d meet people online that came on strong and I’d want to meet in person. It as like pulling back the curtain on the Great Oz. In person they were a different persona. For some guys the online/text relationship is as close as they want to get to a relationship- no commitment and from their side having someone texting them back makes them look popular or desirable to their friends. And when they get bored…. Well they move along to the next one. Like a said- losers!
Sorry you went through it, but it sounds like you kept your head about you. It’s NOT you!

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Becky Martinez March 30, 2013 at 12:10 am

Holly…You, and your kids, are amazing and any man who can’t see that is missing out! The fact that you survived your marriage and have made leaps and bounds in your life since your divorce and WLS deserves applause. I was a single mom, only of 1, for the first 6 years of my son’s life. I was 19 when I had him. I never dated anyone until I met my husband for all those years. I had some offers from previous boyfriends who wanted to be my son’s “dad”, but I wanted to pick a good one for him since I had the choice. You are beautiful inside and out and one day maybe a good man will come your way and be by your side…maybe not…being a single mom was not the worst thing that ever happened to me. I met my husband when I wasn’t even looking. My son is 16 and fabulous, our daughter is 9 and fabulous, and this October will bring our 10th wedding anniversary. He doesn’t like to exercise or eat many things I eat to be healthier…if he did weight loss might be easier, but nonetheless he loves me for who I am regardless of what I weigh. Currently I weigh less than I did when we got married. I still have about 80 pounds to lose, but I know I will get there and when I do he will still love me. Don’t give up on you, and don’t worry about that guy…he probably was too good to be true anyway and has some scary secrets packed away somewhere…keep you head up! You are awesome!
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Staci March 30, 2013 at 5:52 am

You know what I bet happened. I bet your ex is a spy or something. He found out about the new guy in your life and threatened him! Bwahaha Okay, you know me. 😉 Silliness over. That just stinks. I agree with Anele. For some reason, he changed his mind. Did he question “what am I thinking” because of your 4 kids, your former weight, something you said, get ragged by a friend, find a more interesting target, etc??? Who KNOWS! But he *did* flirt and lead you on and to do so obviously was interested in you. Butt head. I know it was hurtful. I would’ve cried privately for several days in the shower. I mean, at least text you back casually the rest of the day and then send you a decent text later telling you that he’s going to back off and yada yada. But I’m with you. Texting is too hard to decipher emotions and feelings from, and it’s just really kinda tacky when it comes to a relationship like that. You didn’t need to be in a relationship with an immature teen anyway. When some other guy comes along, you set him straight right off and tell him you aren’t 17 and if he has something to say to you CALL. Every single time. Blah. (((hugs)))
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Pam March 30, 2013 at 12:29 pm

It’s really too bad that we former fatties never lose that ‘insecure’ feeling. It was part of who we were for so long–never believing anybody could possibly like us for who we were–I mean–LOOK AT US! Who could like that? I feel badly that his brushing you off led to a minor setback, but so happy you figured out what you were doing and got back on track.

My husband’s cancer diagnosis seemed like an opportunity to eat again. You know–eat like in the old days. I lost this weight so that we could have a long, happy retirement together. I lost the weight so that I would LIVE longer, and now I probably will, but will it be alone? Seems like a good excuse to just forget my new life, my new habits doesn’t it? But I never considered it. I realized how important it was for me, especially NOW, to stay physically strong so that I am up for this challenge we are facing. And already, I am doing more, and thank GOD–I CAN!

We are addicts and always will be. But I think Holly, that you and I both have what it takes to beat this addiction. We chose life and we choose it again and again everyday in our food choices and no matter what bumps we encounter along the way, I don’t think we will ever go back THERE.
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Nikki Mohamed March 30, 2013 at 5:38 pm

Ya know what?

He really was telling you the truth when he said, “YOU’RE out of MY league.”
You deserve the best….and Sister, he ain’t it.
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Jennifer April 3, 2013 at 7:10 pm

His behaviour (yes with a U, I’m Canadian 🙂 ) is NOT a reflection of you but of HIM! What a sick individual. You are well rid, dodged a bullet there, but it’s mind boggling how many weirdos are out there and now with unlimited social media avenues it’s even easier to take advantage of good, kind people.
You inspire me every day, thank-you for sharing your “little” life, litter boxes and all.

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Lisa Pickle April 11, 2013 at 2:19 pm

Hi Holly!!! I have been stalking you for a while now. 🙂 This is my first comment, though. I will never be able to find the right words or be able to tell you all the things I want to tell you. I am sure that if I lived closer to you, we could be great friends! I live in Cimarron, KS (by Dodge City). We are a lot alike! I admire you SO much for everything you have done and how honest you are. I somehow missed this post and just now read it, and I am SO mad at this ass clown. SHAME ON HIM….what a jerk. I bet your mutual friend is mortified. Who does he think he is???? You handled yourself ALOT better than I would have….that’s for sure. I think you are wonderful and I wish I could be more like you. I am divorced also…I am 45 and I have a 13 year old son. I haven’t dated for years because of crap just like this. It makes you wonder if there are any decent guys out there. There surely are right? Who cares….I would rather be by myself than be with an idiot like that guy. We could talk for hours about my dating woes and funnies. If you want some good laughs email me girl. I have a friend that just tried Christian Mingle and some of her stories are hilarious. Ok…as you can tell I am no writer like you are. I know you probably can’t tell, but I am an educated woman….lol. Anyway, I think you are awesome! You are such an inspiration to me, and you will never know how much you have helped me. Thank you, Holly.
Love,
Lisa

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MichaelKing April 14, 2013 at 2:46 pm

So if you happened to meet a man who is interesting, intelligent, considerate, kind, emotionally available and attractive you would adhere to some arbitrary “rules” and act aloof rather than indicating to him that you’d like to pursue a friendship and see if it develops into a closer relationship? Sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Why is it a man’s job to chase you like you’re some kind of prize? I mean, seriously…when you meet a woman who’s fun, interesting, intelligent, and shares your interests, you become friends with her, yes? Or do you make her prove her worthiness by “chasing” you, as you put it (as if this were the 1950s)? Very immature way to look at male/female PARTNERSHIPS and the world. A man’s opinion.

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Sheryl C. July 29, 2013 at 9:00 pm

I relate to this post in almost every way. It is so hard to get back “out there” again, and I let one experience a couple of months ago throw me off so that I gained weight. Live and learn. Since then I have gotten off sugar, so I hope that will help with the next time.
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