Call Its Bluff

March 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

When I started blogging, I wasn’t totally sure what I wanted to share

There are a lot of gaps in the beginning of my blog because I couldn’t bring myself to hit “publish”

So I have a lot of unpublished blog posts cluttering up my dashboard

I decided it was time to delete them or use them

So here we go

July 10, 2011

It’s hard for me to write through tears.  All I do is cry.  I can barely see the screen through the blurry tears.  I’m so devastated right now.  I feel so alone.  Nothing and I mean NOTHING is going to ever be able to help me now.  I cannot believe what I have done.  I had my stomach cut out of my freaking body! Am I insane???  I can’t get enough food in me now.  I am a volume eater, ok? VOLUME . It isn’t my fault that I need large quantities of food to survive.  I’m sorry I don’t fit in society b/c my body requires massive volumes of food.  But guess what? it DOES.  That is what I need to survive.  Large volumes of food.  And now I can’t get  down enough to matter.  I really really need to go to Walgreens and buy 2 gallons of mint chocolate chip ice cream, 5 bags of Reeses peanut butter cups and a case of Pepsi.  I need that like I need oxygen.  What am I supposed to do? Go insane? Go crazy? How am I going to function and work and get through life if I go insane? Please someone explain that to me.  I realize that it’s not healthy to be over 400 pounds.  It sucks not being able to walk without excruciating pain.  Yes I am uncomfortable all of the time at this weight.  BUT being insane is worse. FAR WORSE.  I would rather be 400 pounds and sane than thin and insane.  I have no idea how I am going to live through the next hour.  I feel like hurling myself against the wall just to see if I can knock myself unconscious.  Maybe I could get an hour or so of unconscious peace before waking back up to the total and utter insanity that I live in now every second of the day.  I can’t eat an entire gallon of ice cream which is what I need to do to survive.  So that’s fine.  I am going to go crazy.  They will come in here and find me rocking in a corner drooling and incoherent.  In another hour I may have slipped completely into psychosis.  I WANT MY #!!@$%$#@@  FOOD     I want it NOW.  This is NOT worth it.  I am hungry.  I am angry.  And I have no idea how to survive this.  Clearly I am a weak person.  I am weak weak weak.  And I want my freaking Reeses peanut butter cups.

 

I wrote that only weeks after having weight loss surgery

It was the beginning of a depression that took over for a few months

I completely and totally remember that feeling

Because I’ve felt it so many times

The fear of insanity

The fear that I will go insane

If I don’t eat

If I don’t eat large volumes of food

IMMEDIATELY

Weight loss surgery forced me to face that fear

It handcuffed me and tied my hands behind my back

Because I could NOT eat volumes of food especially in the beginning

And due to that fact I had no choice but to wait it out

To just handle the situation

Feel the uncomfortable feeling

And take the risk

Take the plunge

To either live through it

Or go insane

But I didn’t go crazy, did I?

In fact….once the sugar got out of my system

I started to feel INFINITELY more sane

More sane than I had felt in YEARS

Because sitting in your recliner shoving 2 gallons of mint chocolate chip ice cream down your throat

And 5 bags of Reeses Peanut butter cups every day

IS NOT SANE

Even though I thought it was what kept me sane

It actually did quite the opposite

It kept me from crossing through to the other side

It kept me in bondage

Having to be chained to food day and night

Needing it to emotionally and mentally survive life

Is not the way we have to live

And fear?

Fear is always needing food

Never going one second of your day without needing it

Being woken up in the night by it

Living in constant fear that one day you will get so big

That you will be unable to get to the food

Because you can no longer walk

I lived in fear all the time

Fear I would get so big they would have to cut me out of the house

Fear I would lose all ability to walk

Fear I would die in the night from suffocating under my weight

Fear that I would go insane if I did not get the food I felt I needed

But this is what I discovered

Facing that fear will NOT kill you

You will not die if you don’t eat the ice cream, brownie, or bag of Doritos

You may FEEL like you are going to die

You may FEEL like you are going to go insane

But you are NOT going to go insane

No one has ever gone insane from not eating a bag of Cheetos or a pan of brownies

Many people I am convinced THINK they will go insane though

Because it feels that way

It really and truly feels that way

But no matter how you feel in that moment

No matter how horrible it is

No matter what fear tells you in that moment

Remember this

IT WILL NOT KILL YOU

YOU WILL NOT GO CRAZY

So CALL ITS BLUFF

Stand up to the fear

Look it square in the face

Like a bully on the playground

And say “TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT!”

Because I am NOT backing down this time

Don’t run from it

Don’t hide from it

The food is there and you want to eat it

Don’t pretend you don’t

That only feeds the fear

So turn right around and stare it in the face

Like David and Goliath

And say “BRING IT!”

Then watch what happens

Because it’s a stand off

It’s you and the food at the O.K. Corral

A good old Texas Stand Off!!

A stare down

And if you don’t draw your weapon, neither will the food

You see–this isn’t really a fight at all

Because the food cannot do anything to you

It’s nothing more than a bully throwing threats around

But at the end of the day, that’s all it is

Because once you are WILLING to fight

Once you are WILLING to stop running in fear

Trying to always distract yourself from the thoughts of wanting to eat

Praying you won’t think about it anymore

Hoping you can get it out of your head

Once you stop all that

Once you stand up to it and just say….FINE….I see you

Now what??

Then all that’s left is to wait it out

And yes….waiting it out is uncomfortable

Standing at the O.K. Corral in a stare down with a brownie is uncomfortable

But here’s the secret….

YOU ARE GOING TO WIN

Because cravings and urges to eat are nothing more than thoughts passing through

And they will leave

If you can find a way to tolerate that uncomfortable feeling for a little while

And wait it out

But don’t fear it

It’s in the fear that bullies win

Once they can convince us that we’ll die or go insane if we don’t run from them

What if the bully is made up of words and threats only?

With no real truth to back it up

FOOD is the bully that’s made of hot air

It can’t back up the fear it instills in you

Because the real truth is that cravings will pass if you let them

They can’t sustain themselves forever

So wait it out

Crawl up into a ball and scream and cry if you need to

Turn on the shower so the water runs and no one can hear you.

Bang your fist into the table if you have to

Stomp your foot and pitch a fit

But do not…I repeat…DO NOT

Pretend that this is not happening

Try to ignore it or hide from it

The bully is there

The fear is there

And if you pretend that it isn’t…you feed it

So don’t feed it

STARVE IT

By facing it and saying “I’m not afraid of you anymore”

Because that fear and panic you feel

Is nothing more than a criminal holding a toy gun to your head

It looks real

But it has no bullets

It’s not even a real gun

And if you call its bluff

You will find that out

The fear and anxiety you feel over that brownie you want to eat

The panic you feel over that bag of Doritos

It’s temporary

It has a limited amount of time to bully you before it disappears

Like Cinderalla, it will turn into a pumpkin at some designated hour

Because it isn’t real

IT IS JUST A FEELING

A horrible, annoying, irritating and mind bending FEELING

Brought on by sugar addiction possibly

In which case you’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms

Or brought on by emotional turmoil

Similar to what you feel when breaking up with someone you love

But remember that age old piece of wisdom?

Time heals all wounds?

Well it does

So call its bluff

Stand your ground

Face your fears

And watch the bully run away

Because that’s what will happen

And then you’ll know

You can do this

YOU CAN

 

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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

Jenn March 25, 2013 at 1:33 pm

Thank you for posting this Holly. It is just what I needed to hear today. I am having a stare down this morning with a muffin I so desperately want to eat. It feels like it is consuming my day and I can’t get it out of my head. But I am pulling from your strength to let this pass and accept the uncomfortable moments, especially when I hear it calling my name. I never thought sugar withdrawal would be such a mountain to climb, but I am getting there one day at a time.

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Anele @ Success Along the Weigh March 25, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Excellent blog and thanks for sharing what you thought back then. I think it will help a lot of people going through a tough time…even me. 🙂
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Staci March 25, 2013 at 2:32 pm

Boy I have thrown some real fits before when I didn’t get my way of having a food I wanted. Sad to admit it, but once I got sooooooo mad because my husband forgot to ask for ranch with our cheese bread that he was bringing home to me that I became irate and threw a flip flop across the room and cracked a piece of paneling. 🙁 It hurts so bad to admit that, but without the ranch the cheese bread was of no value to me. I dunno. Crazy stuff like that. And you really CAN win against it. I wish I had won that day. Middle daughter seems seriously nervous any time we have cheese bread now, always saying “Daddy, did you get the ranch?” Lol, funny but not!
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Marc March 25, 2013 at 3:30 pm

You have to experience it to recognize it. The great thing about your experience in the darkness is that you now better appreciate true joy.
Marc recently posted..10 miles (16K’s) walked todayMy Profile

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Lori March 25, 2013 at 4:03 pm

Thank you for sharing that. It is hard to reveal those deep emotional fears. You did. That is as freeing as the weight loss.
Lori

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Anita Elmore March 25, 2013 at 4:49 pm

Thank you. Seriously. You never cease to remind me that I am not alone and that victory is to be had. Thank you. And congratulations on making it through! ♥
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Crystal @ Serving Joyfully March 25, 2013 at 7:02 pm

I’ve run across other weightloss blogs, but yours is the most real. It’s so encouraging to read the thoughts from someone who has been to those depths and come out again. It gives me hope.

I want so desperately to come out on the other side of this one day. I pray God will continue to bless you on your journey.
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Shay March 25, 2013 at 7:33 pm

You are so honest, and I can just FEEL the power jumping off the page from your words.
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Lauri March 25, 2013 at 8:00 pm

Thanks for this Holly. I fight that battle every single day. Some days I just cry because it’s so overwhelming to win and I feel like such a failure when I don’t win. Most days I feel a failure at my WLS because of this false need to eat and eat and eat. I will try to be the bully in this relationship and knock those cravings to the ground!

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Amanda March 26, 2013 at 2:14 am

I am so glad that I am not alone in this insanity!!! I too have had what I have to call “fits of rage” when I am having a craving (almost always for sugar) that can’t be immediately satisfied. It’s like there is a tyrant living inside of me, dictating and controlling my life!

I have my surgical consult in just over 2 weeks, and I am elated…..and terrified. I know that the poo is gonna hit the fan at some point! I am actually starting my pre-op diet early, April 1st (I know, I know, the irony, lol), just because I can’t stand the wait any longer. I just want to face this and get it over with already. I am sick of hiding from this, running from it, avoiding and denying it. It’s time to face it head on!

I have already started seeing a counselor, she specializes in addictive behaviors. Lord knows, I’ll be needing her!

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Rebecca March 26, 2013 at 2:42 am

Oh my gosh.
1.) I’m glad you decided to share some of these older posts. It sounds like you had a real bad sugar addiction at the time. (I struggle with sugar addiction. And yes, it’s a real addiction.) But I’m glad you’re sharing this and getting these “secret” posts out. “You’re only as sick as your secrets, right?” (According to AA.)
2.) Every post of yours has been so moving – you are so amazing – not because you’ve lost so much weight (which is incredible on its own) but because of how you are as a person, the growth you’ve gone through on your journey, the warmth that shows in your posts and in the smiles on your photos. You always have the best way of saying “You can do it!” without ever actually saying that.
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Steelers6 March 26, 2013 at 11:25 pm

I’m glad you decided to post that. Honestly, you kind of make it look easy sometimes. I’m sure it isn’t easy!!!
So that post was especially interesting. Did you call your bro to talk you through times like that a lot?
Chrissy

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Danielle March 27, 2013 at 1:56 am

Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it was so hard to share, but it’s amazing to hear that people feel this way and get through it. Take care!

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Phillip Townsend March 28, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Thank you for sharing your story! A lot of people who go through weight loss surgery, or any major weight loss in general know of this struggle and your story is providing help for them. Like the medal says, 30 seconds at a time!

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