Grumbling in the Desert

 

 

For the past month, I’ve been in a funk

Does that ever happen to you?

I don’t know what happened really

It just seems that I came to this realization

That I will never be done with this

It might have been when I was really sick

For close to two weeks

I mean a day or two is one thing

But two weeks?? Enough is enough!

And I just got tired, exhausted, annoyed

And downright angry that I was STILL sick

Because when I’m sick, I want to comfort myself

You see when I was a child, my mother would always take care of me

And when I was sick, she would make sure I had extra special attention

She would set me up in my bedroom with a little bell by the nightstand

She’d buy me ginger ale and make soup

She’d buy me all those magazines you love when you’re somewhere between

A child and a teenager

Like Tiger Beat and Bop

She would wipe my head with a washcloth and speak to me in a sweet voice

Maybe I was spoiled…maybe she just loved me…maybe both

But that ALL changed when I got married

I found myself with someone who could not have been more opposite of my  mother

Where she catered to me and spoiled me when I was sick

He would always claim I was making it up

Or getting sick on purpose to ruin his day

So he would increase the amount of things he wanted done around the house

Add to my list of chores to punish me for being ill

Step over me while I was throwing up in the toilet and demand that I stop puking immediately

So that all I could see was the inside of the toilet bowl and his boots as he stood over me

And  all I could hear with each involuntary heave was the sound of his scolding me to knock it off

Throwing up is a horrible feeling

Made more miserable when you’re expected to be able to control it

Anytime I was sick, I was left totally alone

Because when I failed to get my illness under control

He’d become intent on the fact that I was trying to infect him

So he would leave or go to the basement for as long as it took for me to recover

Just because you’re sick, children don’t stop needing their bottles filled and diapers changed

So finding a way to take care of myself and them was always a challenge

I learned to comfort myself when I was sick

By trying to recreate the environment my mother had given me as a child

I would go to the store and buy ginger ale and chicken corn chowder and crackers

I would buy my favorite magazines

Then I’d lay down, tuck myself in, and place a cold washcloth on my head

Whispering to myself…”Holly…you will be ok…you are special…you are loved”

The things my  mother would say

I learned how to take care of myself….comfort myself…soothe myself

But a large part of that was food

Because when I was well again, I would have a big meal

Because after all I had spent all that time throwing up

I deserved to finally eat whatever I wanted now, right?

But now things are different

I still have to take care of myself when I’m sick

Though it’s been made much easier by the lack of boots kicking the toilet

Demanding I control my own puking

And now those babies who used to crawl around me pulling on my t-shirt

While my head hung in the toilet bowl

Are much older

And they have inherited my mother’s traits

They bring me water and a washcloth and ask me if I need anything

They sit by the bed and say  ”We love you mama…you’ll be ok”

And now when I’m sick…I am blessed

Because I know how difficult it is to be sick and alone

And overwhelmed and yelled at all in the same moment

Yet I found myself with this 2 week bug that wouldn’t go away

And in the midst of my self-comfort strategies

I now have to omit the part about the food

The crackers because I can’t eat crackers

Crackers are things you eat individually

One at a time

Like Doritos or Chex Mix

And I can’t control that

I might be able to when I’m sick because I’m nauseated

But when I’m well….the visions of crackers are still in my head

And many boxes later I’m full of regrets

So no crackers

Chicken corn chowder is full of…corn

And I can’t eat corn anymore

So no Chicken corn chowder

And gingerale?

Well….that’s soda

And I no longer drink soda

So here I am

My mother is gone

I can’t even call her on the phone when I’m sick anymore

I can’t have the comfort food

Or the soda

And now I’m in a funk

But I got better

My cough stopped

My nose stopped running a marathon

And I could finally breathe again

But you know what lingered?

THE FUNK!

That gripy, grouchy, whiny, woe-is-me attitude

The one I tell my kids to get rid of when they have it

Only  now it has settled on my shoulders

And it’s here to stay

It says things to me like….

“It’s so wrong, Holly….it’s NOT FAIR….”

In regards to the crackers and the ginger ale and the corn chowder

Because you’re sick for goodness sakes

And you can’t even comfort yourself with your food??

And while we are on this subject

I went to a new Bible Study group Monday night

AND IT WAS POTLUCK

Yep—there it was

A random assortment of long lost loves

A big box of Krispy Kreme is all I can remember

Because there were other things

But Krispy Kreme and I have a history

Blind love

When Krispy enters the room, I have eyes for only him

I sat at the table with my water while everyone else ate

Rotini pasta salad and brownies and fried chicken

AND KRISPY KREME

“Oh no thanks….I’m not hungry”

Which isn’t a lie…I wasn’t

No I wasn’t hungry

I WAS HANGRY

That deep combination of anger and bitterness

That boils up when your food is within arms reach

And you tell yourself “no”

On the way home I passed McDonalds

And thought….I’d like a Big Mac

But no….

The next day I was on the treadmill at Planet Fitness

When all of a sudden an advertisement for food came up

Pizza of course

Yep—can’t have that either

Tuesday I decided to try out this new support group

Kind of like overeaters anonymous

I used to go to OA years ago

I’m sure that’s no suprise

I tried everything

And this is a 12 step support group at the church

For people battling eating disorders

I’d been feeling grumpy and hangry and bitter

So I thought….why not? I haven’t tried this group before

I might as well add one more thing to my arsenal

To fight the war

But when I walked in the building

A mens group was setting up for a huge meeting

And they had a meal that was being catered

I walked past tables of buffet items

The aroma forcing itself into my head

Even as I tried to hold my breath walking by

But I waded through that and made it to the support group

It was nice

I might even go back

But before I left the room, the leader warned me

“There will be food outside….there always is”

“More food?” I thought….”Down here too?”

Because the AA and NA and other addiction groups

Don’t have a food addiction

So they eat together when they’re done

Which makes me wonder if we set up an open bar

If anyone would mind?

Because maybe alcohol isn’t our problem

So why don’t we do that for a fair exchange?

But that’s rude, you know??

For my thoughts to go there

I mean these people are just harmlessly enjoying their food

Because why shoudn’t they?

It’s not THEIR fault that I have issues

It’s not THEIR fault that I can’t control myself around donuts

And yet here I am now

Noticing that everywhere I go lately food is on display

And I am excluded

And now I’m mad

And I’m bitter

And I’m just plain sick of it

While I was in that support group meeting and it was my time to share

I said this:

I think I’m here because I’ve discovered that this is never going to be over.   I’m never going to be done with this.  I started out 19 months ago on this last ditch effort to finally get the weight off and finally FIX this problem I have with food.  I asked God to help me.  I asked God to save me from this imprisonment.  I wanted to be free. I wanted to stop being a slave to the food. And He really did help me to escape. But here is the problem.  He has given me strength to overcome temptation. To say no to the food when I want to say yes. But the problem is this—I still want it.  I miss it.  I long for it.  And I’m mad.  Because while God has given me the strength to overcome it….He has not HEALED me of this problem.  He has not taken it from me.  He has not transformed me into a normal eater.  The type of person who can eat ONE donut or ONE brownie or ONE scoop of ice cream. And now I realize that this is my life. That while I am free, I am not healed.

 

I think that’s why I went there

To that group

To grumble and complain and whine

And commiserate with others who might feel the same way

I’ve asked God..WHY..

Why is this STILL my issue?

Why can’t I be FIXED?

Why can’t I stop having this problem?

And He told me this verse…..

Something that Paul recounted regarding some issue he had that he could never rid himself of either.

 

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.  Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:7-8

 

And I knew this verse applied to me instantly

And I even knew why

Because God knows me

And He knows that I’m probably going to be THAT sheep

You know the one…

The one that doesn’t stay in the group

The one that wanders off

Doing its own thing

Look at it this way. If someone has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders off, doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine and go after the one? And if he finds it, doesn’t he make far more over it than over the ninety-nine who stay put? Your Father in heaven feels the same way. He doesn’t want to lose even one of these simple believers.

Matthew 18:10-13

So this is one way I view it

That while I do have this affliction so to speak

That I know God could heal me from

It’s time to accept that maybe He isn’t going to

I mean He is setting me free for sure

But the fact that deep down I still want the food

That is still there

And it doesn’t seem to be going away

But perhaps He has chosen to use that instead as a way to keep me close

And also prove His power

Because let’s face it

ME vs Krispy Kreme

Is NOT a fair fight

It’s just not

I can’t do it….I can’t fight it

But HIS power shines through in my weakness

Proving to me and anyone that knows me

That He is the one in control

But if I stray too far from that source of strength

I’ll be 417 pounds again

IN NO TIME

Maybe even 500 or 600 or 700

Because my appetite knows no end

Because that is what I can do…on my own

But with His strength and His wisdom

I can overcome it

Yet knowing this still I find myself bitter….angry….and whiny

Like a child throwing a tantrum I say to Him….”Not fair!!!”

And I’ve kind of been in this persistent yucky state for awhile

Not wanting to be

But yet finding myself every day feeling “put out” and “put upon”

Feeling like a rebellious teenager whose parents just asked her to take out the trash

And now she wants to slam the door and stomp out

Mumble under her breath about how “I have to do everything around here”

No matter how untrue it is….

So after a month or so of this

God showed me something new yesterday

Unlike his previous responses to me of

“My grace is sufficient…and this  keeps you close to me”

OR

“You’re my little sheep that wanders….”

Now he gives me THIS insight

He reminds me of the Israelites who were enslaved in Egypt

Beaten and forced to work for nothing

In slavery and bondage

Then set free

But led into the desert by Moses

They realize that their freedom is not what they thought it would be

“I thought we were heading to the Promised Land??” they say

So why are we out here in the desert??

They get angry and whiny and bitter

And say this:

Why didn’t God just let us die in comfort in Egypt where we had lamb stew and all the bread we could eat? You’ve brought us out into this wilderness

TO STARVE US TO DEATH !!!!!

Exodus 16:3

And WOW….is that me or what?

Almost to the exact thought

Because that’s pretty much what I’ve been saying lately

I mean here I am….free from my prison cell that enslaved me

I can walk freely wherever I go

I can pass through society unnoticed because my size no longer is the first thing they see

I can go anywhere and fit

I have no pain when I walk

I can live again

I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams

But yet part of me still thinks at times

“I want to EAT….I want to eat with reckless abandon….big piles of donuts and brownies and candy”

“I want to go to a potluck and fill up my plate”

“I want to not struggle”

“I want to be NORMAL….not a food addict who by the grace of God can resist….but still WANTS it”

And during those times when I am depressed and overwhelmed by sadness that I cannot eat a chocolate icing covered donut with sprinkles

I say these ridiculous words

“I think I was happier BEFORE.   I may have been 400 pounds but at least I could EAT when I wanted.  I may have been a slave to food but at least I was HAPPY”

Those thoughts come to my mind

And they’re absurd! HAPPY??? Happy enslaved in a body that imprisons you?? Happy feeling out of control and obsessed all day long with food?

But that’s what I think when I’m in that FUNK

“At least I could eat when I was depressed or anxious or sad or sick”

“Now all I eat is protein shakes and chicken and salad and healthy food…God is trying to starve me to death”

“That’s what He wants. To starve me!!!”

Then God says, “REALLY????  You were happier back in slavery?”

Because that is how the Israelites felt too

God answered them and said

Look, I’m going to rain down food from heaven for you. Each day the people can go out and pick up as much food as they need for that day.

Exodus 16:4

But the operative word here is….THAT

Enough for THAT day

Not food stored up in giant quantities

Not food bought in bulk from Sam’s club on a flatbed cart

Not food you binge on in mass doses to fill you to overflowing

Not food you stash and squirrel away in hiding places so you never worry it will run out

No–God said I will provide food for you

But I will provide it DAILY

In the right amount

In the right portion

And IT WILL BE ENOUGH

But you have to trust me

Because HE will give us what we need physically

But after that??

The food I use for depression and anxiety or just plain entertainment?

No—that one He is taking

Because it enslaved me

It took the place of HIM

It kept me from going to Him for comfort

And that can’t happen anymore

So am I still that child in a funk?

Somewhat

But I’m learning

I’m learning that His way is better than mine

I’m learning that sometimes in life we have issues

That don’t go away

But He gives us the grace to move through them

And I’m learning to be grateful

To stop grumbling and complaining

And to take a long hard look in the mirror

At the prisoner who was freed from her cell

Who dares to suggest she was happier behind bars

And who should be willing to sacrifice for the gift she has been given

A life without chains

A life without pain in my feet from every step I take

And winded breath from just getting out of a chair

Those problems are gone

And still I will meet the potluck chocking back tears

Because that thorn has not been removed

And that thorn jabs at me from time to time

To remind me that…YEP…you need Him

You need His strength to keep walking past the donut box

That living this way is a daily sacrifice

But why shouldn’t I be willing to sacrifice for Him

When He sacrificed for me?

So I give up the donuts and hand it over to Him

Because I am the sheep who might stray

I stay close to Him and His power shines through in my weakness

Each day I see He rains down my daily needs

To prove I can trust Him

He won’t let me starve

And I see now

That even the desert

Is a far better place

Than the dark prison I came from

So going back is not an option

It’s onward and upward from here on out

To the Promised Land!

Though the way there is through the desert

We press on knowing that

“Our suffering now cannot be compared to the shining-greatness that He is going to give us.”   (Romans 8:18)

This is the reason we do not give up. Our human body is wearing out. But our spirits are getting stronger every day.  The little troubles we suffer now for a short time are making us ready for the great things God is going to give us forever. We do not look at the things that can be seen. We look at the things that cannot be seen. The things that can be seen will come to an end. But the things that cannot be seen will last forever.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18