Deception’s Dance

February 5, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

 

http://www.dreamstime.com/-image23579927My daughter was having a slumber party

And the girls were getting hungry

Of course I knew that would happen

From somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind

And yet I had not planned ahead

I knew I was not going to buy chips and soda

Or any of the slumber party snacks that kids usually request

I knew I was going to be the mood-killer

When Annabelle’s friends saw something other

Than Chex mix and Cheetos

But that is the name of the game around here

It’s not a safe food for me

It’s the kind of thing I used to eat large quantities of

So like an alcoholic banning vodka from the cupboard

I had banned snack foods

 

But here is the thing

I didn’t fill in the gap

I didn’t buy any alternative

I didn’t just fail to plan

I PLANNED TO FAIL

Because I saw the train coming

And I didn’t get off the track

 

I just let it slide

Knowing the hour was going to come

Where the girls would bound in the room

And say THOSE words

You know them

The words all people say

When there is a group at the house

Everyone is hungry

And there is nothing to eat

 

LET’S ORDER PIZZA!!

 

I think I knew that would happen

And I knew those words

Would never come from Annabelle

But her friends

They aren’t players in this game

They are just guests

And to them

Ordering pizza is a simple request

 

I think I set it up that way

My subconscious mind always betraying me

Waiting

Hiding behind conviction and determination

Crouching behind Common Sense and Rational Thinking

There it is

DECEPTION

 

Deception is quite the tricky fellow

He’s patient, you see

Always willing to wait as long as it takes

Always willing to step back

And let the others take center stage

For awhile….

 

He doesn’t mind if “Perseverance”

And “Consistency”

Spend all day in the lead

Because he knows

That all he really needs

Is one good swing

 

So he waits

He stands in the back of the room

Leaning against the back wall

Slyly blending in

Silently observing the environment

And waiting for that perfect opportunity

To strike

 

THIS WAS IT

 

For I had actually become

Deception’s partner

On this day

He had waited for the right ball

To come his way

And when I threw one

Special for him

He stepped up to the plate

And hit it out of the park

 

I ORDERED PIZZA

 

That seems harmless to some

But not me

Pizza is on my NO list

Pizza is one of my trigger foods

 

Back in 2006

After my husband left me

I was so depressed

I could barely function

About 300 pounds at the time

But mentally I could not move

 

Depression will suck the very life out of you

It will drain you dry

You will go to bed tired

And wake up exhausted

 

I barely had the will to live

Much less drive to the store

Or even McDonald’s

 

I lived so lose to the edge of the cliff

During those first 2 years

That I wondered at times

How I didn’t just lean over

And plunge straight to the bottom

 

Food was my hope

Something to look forward to

But in that depressive state

Even going through a drive thru

Was overwhelming

 

So I ordered Papa Johns

Almost every day

I ordered pizza so much

That the delivery driver knew my name

He had just found out that his girlfriend was pregnant

And 9 months of pizza later

IT WAS A BOY!

 

What is it with me

And baby stories

And the people who deliver the food?

 

The same thing happened

At McDonalds

Once I made it back

To the Drive-Thru

 

The girl who worked the morning shift

Got so used to seeing me every day

That she invited me to the baby shower

I didn’t go of course

How would I have explained that?

“And how do you know, Jane?”, they would say

“Oh I go through the drive-thru at McDonalds—EVERY SINGLE DAY”

Can’t you tell??

 

She fed me my breakfast every morning

Big Breakfast with Pancakes

Extra Hashbrowns

3 Cinnamon Rolls

3 Sausage Biscuits

A large Coke

And a small black coffee

“No sugar…thanks!’

The irony…

 

Not only did I “Drive-Thru”

Her pregnancy

But I still remember

When the baby turned 2 years old

Before she quit her job

To go back to school

 

Other people’s lives were happening

But my life

Existed only

In a Drive-Thru

 

When you see someone

Every single day

They get to know you

And the people I saw the most

Were those who delivered my food

 

When I started this journey

I knew

NO MORE DRIVE THRU

NO MORE PIZZA

Because we have a history together

One I do not want to resurrect

 

And yet in spite of all that knowledge

In spite of all that self awareness

I did the unimaginable

I ordered pizza

 

I made sure to order my favorite one too

But somehow making it seem

As if the kids were the ones who wanted that particular pizza

As if it was all THEIR idea

Me??

I’m jus an innocent victim in all this!

 

And in the 30 minutes it took to arrive

My mind began

The slow descent

Into madness

 

Deception was on stage now

His time had come

He had waited so patiently

And this was his moment

Enter stage left

The dance has begun

And Deception is here

To steal the show

 

Thoughts started racing through my head

How long it had been since I had eaten pizza

How well I had done

How strong I had become

“You deserve a slice”

You’ve earned it!“..he’d say

 

Deception is the king of confusion

He will twist and confound all you know

Until you’re left believing that what you really need

Is Twisty bread and Cinnamon sticks too

Because come on…It’s FRIDAY

TGIF!! Right???

What’s life without dessert?

Live a little !!!

 

So what…he whispers in my ear

Are you going to just live your life without pizza?

It’s been over a year!!

This is absurd!

Do you even WANT To live your life

If you can’t splurge every now and then?

I mean what are you teaching the kids?

To be legalistic?

To be a slave to the rules?

No..YOU Decide what you want to eat

No one else

If you want pizza…then eat it

Stop letting some food plan

Boss you around

 

Yes by the time

Deception was done with me

I was angry

MAD

I wanted to eat that pizza

IN PEACE

I wanted just once

To dive in and go back to my glory days

Where I cranked back the recliner

Balancing a large box of pizza

And a large box of cinnamon sticks

On my stomach

Propping up the garlic sauce

Shoving the 2 liter of Pepsi in between my knees

 

That was heaven right there

A good series on Netflix

And all the pizza I could eat

I did not have to even get up

It was all before me

 

Right before I had the surgery

I watched all of Battlestar Galactica

On Netflix

And I ate my way through the entire show

Every morning I would get up

Surround myself with food

And press play

Only removing myself from the recliner

To pick the kids up from school

 

Do you know what feeling comes to my mind

When I recall this memory?

HAPPINESS

PEACE

Oh I enjoyed every second of it!

Lost in the food

Lost in a tv show

Totally transported for a time to some other place

Where I get to forget the stresses of this life

Feeding my hunger to overflowing

As much as it craves, I provide

I never said being in the food did not provide that

The problem— is that it’s temporary

Fleeting

And then comes the consequences

And the pain….

 

And what about the bathroom?

Well….

When you’re over 400 pounds

You go to the bathroom

When you can’t hold it anymore

Because the amount of effort it takes

To get  out of the chair

Is so intense

That you really aren’t going to do it

For anything less

Than an emergency

 

So there I was

The slumber party

The train barreling down the tracks

And me like some damsel in distress

In some black and white silent film from the 20’s

Tied to the tracks by a moustached villain

Bound and unable to move

You may hear the train’s whistle warning of its oncoming assault

But I hear the doorbell

The pizza has arrived

 

It’s funny how they often say

That we should lock our doors

To protect ourselves from strangers

But in this case

I let the enemy in

And there it sat

Fully Loaded

THE WORKS

 

The dance begins….

I don’t want to eat it

I know I shouldn’t

I know what it could mean

I could go crazy

I could put Papa Johns back on speed dial

And be knee deep in pizza

For the next 6 months

 

I know it will make me feel horrible

Because my stomach is not used to that anymore

I am aware of the consequences

And yet I’m pulled in by its force

 

I start to pace

I go in my room and shut the door

I can hear the girls out at the table

Laughing and giggling

Eating MY Pizza

 

Oh it’s MY pizza now….

Maybe it was all along

Maybe it was from the start

From the moment I decided

NOT to plan a dinner for the girls

NOT to plan snacks

 

Because that is when Deception moved out

From his place against the wall

Where he was hiding

To my shoulder

Where his whispers so faint

Drifted into my mind

And upset my world

 

Back in the kitchen I go

Just to get some coffee of course

I don’t want any pizza

NOT ME

I let the dogs out

And I wait for them

Peering back through the kitchen window

To see how much is left

 

I better make up my mind now

I better do it soon

The pizza is going to be gone

And I won’t have even gotten one piece

 

I’m getting mad again

Downright angry

It’s amazing the mood swings

That take place in my mind

Regarding food

 

I always feel bad

For my children

Because of the nose dive

My mood takes

When I’m craving

When I’m battling

The food demons

 

I become someone else

I become someone almost mean

I WANT MY FOOD

AND I WANT IT NOW

I can’t even think straight

And everything but FOOD

Takes a backseat

 

I sit down in the chair

Rubbing my forehead

Seeing if I can rub the thought

Out of my head

The aroma has drifted over

Pizza makes you happy

Pizza will make you feel better

Deception says

And I know he’s right

Because it would!!

I would be so ecstatic

I would be just over the moon

 

FOR A TIME

 

But then reality would set in

And the guilt

At screwing up once again

 

I picked up a piece of pizza

And I walked into my room with it

Annabelle staring at me out of the corner of her eye

Wanting to say something

But knowing it wasn’t worth the risk!

 

You don’t mess with me when I’m hungry!

Because that’s a roller coaster ride

With no straps or safety nets

It’s a ride

You don’t want to go on

 

I took a bite as I headed back to my room

Oh sweet deliciousness it was….

I had not tasted it in over a year

And another…

One more bite won’t hurt….

 

I looked at myself in the mirror

And thought

How can this be?

How can I still so easily be taken in by this enemy

Like a captive who once escaped

Then desperately begs their abductor to let them return!

How can I so quickly lose grip on reality??

Even now after all this time

 

When I get like this

When I want the food

It becomes an overwhelming barrage

Of obsessive thoughts

That never end

One after the other

Like bullets

Whizzing through my mind

 

I become anxious

Panicked

Like I need to escape

Dive head first

Into the pizza

Slip underneath it’s cheesy covering

And use an olive like an inner tube

Swimming in the delicious pizza sauce

And Surfing a wave off a pepperoni

 

That’s a bit like…crazy

Isn’t it?

That my mind can imagine

A pizza

As something I could live inside

Play in

Bask in

Dwell in…

 

That’s my mind

ON FOOD

That’s the crazy side of me

That just won’t seem to go away

 

How am I going to stop this train

From running me down?

Two bites in I race to the trashcan

And toss it like some grenade

That’s pin has been removed and may blow up in my hand

 

Victory is mine,  I declare

Except the kids are done now

And there are leftovers on the table

It’s not gone

It’s still there

It’s still warm

ROUND TWO

 

I need to throw it all away

Right now

Get rid of it

Before I eat it all

But like someone transfixed by a beautiful sight

Someone paralyzed by the power of pizza

I could only stare and pray

That God would help me find a way out

 

This came to my mind

 

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. 

1 Corinthians 10:13-15

 

How could God provide me a way out?

A way out of this moment?

This train wreck that was barreling towards me?

 

And this thought came to my mind

GO TELL THEM

And He meant YOU

Because that is how this started in the first place

A way for me to get out of my feelings

Work through my obsession without eating

 

As soon as I thought of that

A peace came to mind

As I thought of all of you out there

Who are like me

All the people who struggle

With this same problem

 

You are not alone….I thought

Nothing has happened here that is unique

Or different

Or unusual

From what a thousand other people go through

Every day

Every hour

Every second

 

Again I heard the words….

“No temptation has seized you except that which is common to man”

IN other words

This is the universal struggle

That all people with food addiction

Or food obsession

Or weight struggles

Or eating disorders

Deal with!

 

So throw the pizza away

THROW IT AWAY

And then

Go write….

 

So I did

I tossed the pizza

And as soon as I did it

Strength came over me

Because God had provided

A Way Out

And more than that

He provided all of us

With an opportunity

To band together

And kick “Deception”

Out of the party

 

Many people might say

WOW

She’s lost 218 pounds

She’s been at this 19 months

And she is STILL having to fight off

A piece of pizza?

 

YES

I would love to tell you

That I have this thing licked

That I have arrived

No more mental roller coasters

No more crazy cliff dives

But I can’t

Because that would not be true

 

The longer you do this

The easier it gets

MOST OF THE TIME

The longer you work at it

The more automatic it becomes

And as time goes on

It even feels effortless

SOMETIMES

 

But that is only because

Deception

Is a scheming conspirator of a guy

Who will wait for the moment to be perfect

Who will wait longer than you’d imagine he would

For the perfect opportunity

To strike

 

It happens

You screw up

But if you don’t open the door

To the enemy

He can’t find you

If you plan ahead

For a slumber party

You’ll be ok

 

I have to be on guard

ALWAYS

For the deceptive ways of the enemy

He would like nothing more

Than to see me

Right back where I started

 

This is my confession

That was my way out

You helped me

You gave me a listening ear

And for that

I am grateful

 

But I still had to dump trash on top of the pizza

All the contents of the kitty litter box in fact

Because sad as it is to say

Even dumping something in the garbage

Has not always been enough

To keep me away from it

So I have to cover it with something so disgusting

That it will keep me at bay

During those moments of insanity

 

It’s a sick and twisted world

That I inhabit in times regarding food

So how much more grateful does that make me

When He provides a way out

When He catches me as I fall

Swooping me up into his arms

To set me down

On solid ground

 

Every time the food demons try to take me down

Every time they try to get me to come back to them

To reunite

Rekindle our love

I think of this song

By Zoe Girl

 

This was a band Savannah and I saw in concert

When she was maybe four years old!!

So yes…

Let me take you back to the year 2001

To the song

DISMISSED

 

This is how I often feel about FOOD

When it tries to reel me back in with its sweet lies!

Or in this case

It’s stuffed crust!

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Lee Ann February 5, 2013 at 12:32 pm

You are better and stronger than me. I still have days where I cant stop. Oh..just one piece. I can work it off. 2-3 pieces later and I think…what have I done? I always dread the weekends. That is where I get off track with my eating and also it is usually my rest days. I end up undoing all my hard work from the week. I think I am going to take a page from you and next time I want to binge and eat something I shouldnt, I will go look in the mirror. Try on something a bit too snug that I am trying to fit into…and realize the food isnt worth it. 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing your struggles. Lots of us have them but rarely voice them.
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Rebecca February 5, 2013 at 12:55 pm

So, so proud of you Holly. I’ve had very similar temptations, fights within myself with the voices. You are growing stronger every day!

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Jackie W February 5, 2013 at 3:07 pm

You go girl! I’m proud of you!!!

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Staci February 5, 2013 at 3:17 pm

I am eerily happy to hear you describe how you get mean and angry and irritable and irrational when you get a craving. I was just trying to explain this to my husband yesterday. He doesn’t get it. I don’t expect him to. He doesn’t have a problem with food. But my poor kids already know when to go to their rooms and whisper to each other because Mom is angry. And I rant about every little thing to disguise that my fight is really about food. I gripe about finances, the dirty house, how *I* do all the work around here (not true), no one loves me, etc. All the while, it’s a ploy so that others walk softly around me and don’t dare to say no when I say “would you go over to Dollar General and get _______ for me. I need something sweet.” Ugh. I sometimes think pizza is harder for me to ward off than chocolate. Sorry that you took the bite and got a tad in your veins, but I’m glad you threw the rest away.
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Sandy February 5, 2013 at 3:21 pm

Good for you. The brain seems to fall into the past so easily. I once had to throw dish soap all over a bag of chips so I wouldn’t pull them out of the garbage to finish them. But you did get through this episode. Just a learning experience. And you will be challenged again and again. But each time your resolve will be stronger and you will get to where you need to be.
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Tess February 5, 2013 at 5:16 pm

I’m so glad you wrote about this, Holly. It is true, sometimes we find ourselves with something in our hands, and sometimes it’s a “surprise”, like “how the heck did THAT get in my hand?” but sometimes it’s almost planned. I’m glad you threw it out. That’s hard. I’ve had to do that too, and I’m sure a LOT here have, too. You are never alone. If anything, blame us!! Blame us for having to “make you” throw things out. Blame us for “making you” exercise. If it gets you doing what you need to do, blame us!!

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Tiffany February 5, 2013 at 6:48 pm

I had a similiar battle in my head this morning when I wanted breakfast from McDonalds. I went and I ate it thinking, “If I count the calories then I’ll be okay. I’ll move on and eat less the rest of the day.” I know that McDonalds breakfast is a huge weakness. It takes over my thoughts and that’s all I want. I know that God is telling me to not eat McDonalds because it holds more importance than him. Thank you for sharing this experience. I did throw away half the hashbrown. I was convicted in my Bible study this morning about obedience. I think in some cases it is for our best interest to keep away those foods that cause this kind of reaction. I’m just praying that I can give up McDonalds for breakfast. Praying for strength for you!

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Lori February 5, 2013 at 7:46 pm

Good for you for standing firm in your trials. You overcame.

Also, I would like to point out that even at your heaviest your heart of love shown through. Why else would ‘strangers’ invite you in to their lives, even if they did see you regularly? They could have served you and gone on but you extended a hand of friendship to them, and dare I say even encouragement.
Lori

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Kara February 5, 2013 at 7:51 pm

I think you handled this well; you did a great job on disposing of the leftover pizza… if you haven’t already, please forgive yourself.
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Tasha Cantrell February 5, 2013 at 9:12 pm

I just want you to know…I KNEW you could do it! Before I finished reading this…I KNEW you were going to make the right decision! Congratulations!

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Natalie February 5, 2013 at 10:33 pm

I have to pour chips or Doritos into the bin. Putting the half-full bag straight in just isn’t enough. They have to be mixed with the rubbish.
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Karin Canazzi February 6, 2013 at 12:57 am

Oh sweetie-how brave you are. How proud your heart must be that you believed your truth teller and not the deceiver. The battle is not over but you do have your battle armor on!

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Joy February 6, 2013 at 7:30 am

You have decribed down to the last word what it is like when I Binge. I have days like that and it is super hard to say No…. I am so proud of you for throwing the pizza away. And in the end this is a lesson learned to make some healthy snacks for the future.
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Caron February 6, 2013 at 1:45 pm

I can identify with most of the emotions you covered in this post. It does get easier in a lot of ways, but if pizza comes into my house (not likely) I don’t know if I could be as strong as you. I’ve covered food I’ve thrown away with dish-washing liquid and filled half empty jars of peanut butter with water to stop myself from eating more. Good job, Holly. 🙂
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Ronda February 6, 2013 at 4:16 pm

Oh, how well I know this game. For me, it’s chocolate. Still, more than 2 years later I can convince myself that I can have just al ittle bit. Just one serving, and be done. That’s NEVER the case. Once I taste it, a trigger goes off in my brain and I need more. In fact, I could probably eat an entire familiy size bag of M&M’s by myself, all the while knowing it’s going to make me feel sick.
It’s our drug. I can completely understand the struggle of a drug addict or alcoholic.
Same issues, different subastance.

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MandaPanda February 6, 2013 at 6:35 pm

Well done.
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Michelle W. February 7, 2013 at 2:37 am

This was such a great post and I found real encouragement in it!
I remember when I was a teen and was trying to lose weight for the first time…the only way I could cope was to eat my little meal and then go for a bike ride every night while my parents ate their meal. One time in particular, I remember my brother and sister-in-law coming to visit and we had made a special dessert cake–one that I loved. The next day, they were leaving to go sightseeing and I asked them if they wanted any of the left over cake. They said no and left and I promptly dumped the cake and ran the garbage disposer. Like you, I found that the only way to cope with my trigger foods was to not have them around. Later that night, my brother and sil returned…he wanted some of that cake now—my mom told him that I had thrown it out. He was incredulous. He couldn’t understand why I would do such a thing. He didn’t have a weight problem and never had so he really couldn’t begin to understand that level of food addiction.
I think that I needed to read this post today to remind myself that there are definitely things that I need to keep away from my home. Things that I really cannot even read about (like pizza) because they trigger that inner battle…one that I’m not really strong enough to win yet.

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Kristen February 7, 2013 at 4:59 pm

Good for you! Some people don’t understand how serious food addictions can be and how much of a hold they can have on your life. So glad you were able to trust in God and keep on trucking in your progress. It’s a lifelong battle but it is SO worth it. Thanks again for being an inspiration!
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Lyn February 11, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Wow. THIS is it, exactly. THIS is why, if I was not battling and fighting and trying and counting calories half the time and making a massive effort, I would be back up to 300 pounds in no time. “Back to the glory days…” exactly. How is it possible to miss that? Well I do, I sometimes get angry too and just want it back, swimming in the pizza. It is so hard to break free from this stuff. We just can’t let ourselves go there, ever again.
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