My brother and his wife are flying in today to run my 1st 5K with me.
Tomorrow morning at 8 am I will be at the start line!
I should be excited.
I should be waking up with grateful thoughts that they are supporting me.
I should be overjoyed by the fact that while only 19 months ago I could barely walk due to my weight
Now I am participating in a 5K.
And yet for the past week, I wake up each day with a sense of dread.
Each morning my first thought is that I will not be able to accomplish my goal.
That I’m not ready to do this 5K.
That I’m in over my head.
I will make a fool of myself.
Before I can even open my eyes, these thoughts are bombarding me.
In addition to this, my gynecologist said my pap smear was abornmal
Too much information….I know
(But you should be used to it by now!)
Over-sharing is a gift, right?!
“Nothing to worry about”, my gynecologist says
Just some “pre-cancerous cells we have to watch”
So I’ll go in for a biopsy
“Totally routine”, he tells me, “No big deal”
And yet the anxiety sets in
Because it’s one more thing
But none of that can compare to what’s next
My daughter Annabelle has not been feeling well
They have done test after test trying to determine the cause
They repeated her blood tests 3 times because of the results
And now we are being referred to the hematologist.
In fact they said they wanted to see her right away and squeezed us in on Monday.
This worries me as thoughts bombard me of what might be wrong.
And now all of this together threatens to send me into a tailspin
I can feel an actual physical anxiety in my body
Because of this crazy anxiety and panic disorder
When I start to feel too overwhelmed by life, things happen to me physically
Yesterday, my tongue started to go numb
This is something that has not happened in a long time
But it is the beginning of a panic attack
If it continues, I will start to lose feeling in other parts of my body
My throat is the scariest part because if I can’t swallow or I feel numbness there
I worry I will choke or not be able to breathe
This is the panic….the anxiety….
It starts in my head and continues to the body
I used to control this with food
LOTS OF IT
And I will not lie to you—it worked
But it was a temporary fix and it left me with additional problems
So I no longer allow myself that option
But controlling panic without Peanut M and M’s and York peppermint patties
Is the dilemma I face
Thoughts of anxiety and fear surround my mind about this 5K
But FAR MORE importantly — Annabelle’s blood tests.
One of my biggest fears in life is not being able to control things that could happen to my children
And with the number of things that have happened to me in the past 7 years
I often feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop
So I struggle with anxiety in this area
Before I can even get to my 1st cup of coffee, I’m under attack from the thoughts in my mind.
Do any of you have thoughts that enter your mind even from the 1st second you wake up
That threaten to steal your peace, kill your joy, and throw you off track?
Here is something I have learned.
We never stop going to war in our minds.
We have an enemy and the sooner we realize that the better prepared we will be.
The thoughts we wake up to are not necessarily our own.
They are often thoughts that were crafted specifically for us by an enemy who knows our weaknesses.
He will have those thoughts ready to drop in your mind before your feet hit the floor
Because if he can defeat you 1st thing in the morning then he doesn’t have to deal with you for the rest of the day!!
If he can get you to give up and go back to bed then he can move on to stealing someone else’s victory since he has already taken yours!
Here is my battle plan
-If you continue in my Word then you will know the truth
The truth shall set you free
The truth can’t set us free unless we know what that truth is
And even then we have to “continue in it”
Not just fill up one time and coast.
I have to set my mind on it.
Soak in it.
Pour it in repeatedly until it saturates my every thought.
That takes some time and effort.
But that is my life
I can either spend my time drving to Walgreens
To load up my cart with 3 gallons of ice cream and 7 bags of Reeses peanut butter cups
Or I can spend my time loading my mind up with the truth that will set me free
Either way—it’s an investment of time
But I have to actively work at freedom from anxiety
Freedom from the mental anguish that attacks me
Because tomorrow I have to do a 5K that I’m not sure I’m ready for
Because next week I have to go back to the gynecologist and get a biopsy
Because Monday I have to take my baby to Hematology/Oncology and find out what is going on
And my lack of control over these situations
Is making me panic
I identify with a Mama Bear.
My life is about protecting my children
And when I can’t do that, I feel helpless
And then my tongue goes numb
I’ve often wondered
Why my tongue???
But that is always where it starts
That is always the first thing to go
Maybe the enemy wants me silent
Because he knows
The battle is won or lost right there.
In my words
“The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21)
So my tongue goes numb
So I can’t use it to fight with words!
But the thoughts are powerful too!
So set your minds and keep them set on what is above (the higher things), not on the things that are on the earth
I must choose my words
Choose my thoughts
If I don’t choose them
They will choose me
I’ll start with these
Romans 8:37-39 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
Proverbs 1:33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,untroubled by fear of harm.”
John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.
Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
And know that while I may not be in control
I can trust the One who is
I will do that 5K tomorrow
I will get that biopsy
I will go with Annabelle on Monday to the hematologist
And I will walk by faith
Trusting in His perfect plan
And if my tongue goes numb
Then what does it matter?
I can still WRITE, right?!
***Today’s post is from the Friday message that I wrote to my online weight loss support group through Facebook called “Weigh To Victory”. This is a group that uses faith and prayer to support one another in the journey