Alcohol and other Transfer Addictions

 

Transfer Addictions

Have you ever heard this term?

It’s used quite often in weight loss surgery communities

Due to the fact that many people who have weight loss surgery

Do so because they have a severe food addiction

That in spite of all their best efforts has taken utter control of their life

They obsess over food

It owns them

They use food to feed anxiety, depression and emotional pain

They use it for entertainment and boredom

Food works

But then it doesn’t

Because the weight piles on and the health problems begin

You can’t fit in chairs

You have trouble walking

Your life is being destroyed by the very thing that is supposedly helping you

Food makes you happy

But then comes the pain

So you give it up

Maybe you have weight loss surgery like many

Or maybe you find a way to get rid of it on your own

But for many—there comes a void

An empty space

Because the food is gone but the anxiety is not

The pain and the depression and the loneliness

The boredom and the desire to find instant gratification

Is still there

So they fill that space with other things

Alcohol…cigarettes….drugs….shopping….

Fill in the blank

Because addictions come in many forms

And someone with an addictive personality will seek out another source

And they might even do that without even realizing it

 

I knew when I gave up food, I would need to fill it with something else

My faith has sustained me and given me a way to fill those needs

My faith has grown by leaps and bounds since I gave up candy and cookies and cake

But has it filled up every single empty space?

Has it taken complete control?

Has it been the source to fulfill every need?

NO—it hasn’t

I have wanted it to

I have needed it to

But have I really turned over every nitty gritty detail to Him?

Have I let God take control of every aspect of this area of my life?

Every time I think I’ve done this

God shows me another area of my life that I have not yet surrendered

 

Recently I came to a shocking realization

It startled me

You see…this is the post that I did not want to write

Even after I made this discovery about myself–I did NOT want to write about it

I did not want to share it

Because that makes me accountable

That makes it real

And when you’re holding onto something

Something you don’t want to give up

Keeping it a secret is what you do

But secrets are just a way we keep ourselves locked up

Under oppression

Freedom comes when we throw the door wide open

And say “This is me! The good, bad and the ugly!”

 

7 years ago, my husband left me

I was completely dependent on him in every way

Financially,emotionally, psychologically

And when he was gone, so was the source of my everything

Even though the source was not always “feeding me” things that were good for me

It was still my source

He was the one I went to for every problem and every need

And without him, I could not see a way of survival

I thought I would die

And many times, I wanted to

Because the pain was too severe for me to withstand

 

I turned to God in that moment

And my faith became REAL

God literally became real to me then and there

For years I had been a Christian

But it feels now that in many ways I had been just floating through

Almost like someone watching on the sidelines

But not living it

And then it happened

He walked out

And I faced a life alone

A life taking care of children on my own

And I knew it would kill me

So God reached down from heaven and He carried me through

I knew then and there—He’s real

 

But panic attacks are real too

Oh how real they are

I’ve been to the hospital to have an EKG because I was convinced it was a heart attack

Doctors have told me the symptoms are virtually the same

The PAIN…the real physical pain…is very much the same

So when panic attacks came, I prayed

But that wasn’t all

I ate too

I had a two fold plan

Plan AND Plan B

Prayer was on the top of that list

But Reeses?  That was the back up plan

So I prayed AND ate my way through them

When depression hit, I prayed WHILE eating Donuts

When loneliness swelled over me, Hostess and Jesus were my companions

Bible in one hand….Kit Kat in the other

Praise God! But hold on a second….I’ve got to rip open this Snickers real quick

Now back to worship!

 

I never fully let go after my husband left me

Food had always been my friend

My companion

In times of trouble, malt balls were there to see me through

Trusting God ALONE to do the job?

Hmmm…..

I tried but it never quite worked

At least that’s what I would tell myself

I have real problems and no time to wait, I’d say

So I would pray for God to help me

But in the meantime, ice cream had God’s back!

 

The surgery changed that

And I told myself….this is it….I’m ready

I’m giving it ALL to Him now

Every last bit of it

And I will let Him be the SOLE source of peace and comfort

In Christ alone will I go for help

And it was hard

It was JUST SO HARD

Because I still deal with panic and anxiety

And when it hits, it is scary

I can’t reach for my cupcakes

I can’t binge on donuts

I can’t spread a treasure trove of food out before me

And spell relief with pizza

 

About a month after my surgery, I went into a depression

I wasn’t blogging very frequently back then

Because the only thing I really felt at that moment was

MY LIFE SUCKS

It wasn’t true

My life didn’t suck

And yet that is how I felt

My emotions were taking over

My depression was too

I missed the food

I missed what it did for me

How it eased my anxiety and my depression

This is a post I wrote in July 2011 called “Struggling”

I even ask “What will replace it??”

 

There it was again

That drive inside of me to find something

To fill that empty space left behind by Twinkies

Because fear is real

Panic is real

And I have 4 kids to take care of!

I have a job!

I can’t be debilitated by panic and anxiety and fear and depression

“Look God…I’ll trust you…but you need a sidekick, ok?”

That’s how I felt

Because God alone wasn’t doing it for me

At least that’s how I felt at the time

The fear of letting God be the One to handle the job

All by Himself

Without the assistance of Little Debbies

That’s the real leap of faith

I had always used food to fill in the gaps

So now what?

If not Hostess then who?

Batman needs a Robin, right?

 

Transfer addiction

You hear it all the time in weight loss circles

People who have learned to use a substance to fill in the gaps

Will find another way

Another source

I tried to make God the sole source

To fire the sidekick and give Him complete control

It turns out….I failed

I didn’t even know it either

That’s how sly this issue can be

That’s how easily we lie to ourselves

I’m like one mind with 10 personalities

And some of my personalities have me so snowed

That I don’t even know they’re there

Plotting against me

Waiting to derail me

 

About 4 months after my weight loss surgery

I picked up a bottle of wine

And started to have a glass in the evening

Not every day

Just every now and then

Like when I felt stressed

Or depressed

Or lonely

Or anxious

But wait a minute….isn’t that what I used to do with food?

But it was no big deal

Except it could be

Because using a substance to get peace

Can lead to problems

Because we want peace DAILY don’t we?

And what then?

 

What happens if you’re going through a down time

And that daily glass of wine has to fill the need that cupcakes used to

Only now it’s every day

You see…I wasn’t getting drunk

But I was USING the wine to fill the space of cookies

I was using it to ease my anxiety and soothe my depression

I was turning to wine because I could not turn to chocolate

And I did not even see the connection

 

And then there is my history with alcohol

And I am not sure I’ve ever shared that

Why?….well….it’s not pretty

I’m not proud of it

I’d prefer to hide that than be truthful

But then again, I remember

SECRETS…..and how they oppress us

Ok it’s time…this is it

The good, bad AND ugly…right?

 

When my husband left me 7 years ago

I could barely get through the day

I could barely function

The doctor prescribed me the highest dose of antidepressants possible

Without hospitalizing me

I needed to be hospitalized

I should have been

I was having a nervous breakdown

I was suicidal

I had a baby under one year old

A two year old

A four year old

A 4th grader

Boxes still unpacked from a move

A strange city where I knew no one

I could barely drive

Plagued with panic attacks

And every second of the day I was harassed by a voice that told me

To kill myself

Like a bully who stood behind me at the edge of a cliff

And kept poking me in the back

Laughing at me

And telling me to jump

 

I was afraid if I was hospitalized

I would lose custody of my children

So I was determined to find a way

To keep myself alive

To survive

Someone recommended a different doctor to me

Who was willing to prescribe me whatever I needed

Higher doses and more addictive prescription drugs

Than should really be prescribed without hospitalization

But STILL it wasn’t enough

 

So I went to the store one day and bought wine

The prescription drugs coupled with wine did the job

And for awhile, I didn’t care about anything

I would get through the day high off anxiety drugs

That you are only supposed to take AS NEEDED

But for me “as needed” was DAILY

And even then it was tough for me to make it

Even then I felt I barely scraped by

 

I lived my life 15 minutes at a time

LITERALLY

My mother was too sick to come out here

So she would call me every 15 minutes

To make sure I hadn’t killed myself

That’s how I lived

Minute to minute

 

I looked forward to the night

When I would put the children to bed

Then  drink a botttle of wine

And fall asleep

Or pass out….if you want to speak the truth

 

I did that

It’s hard to admit

It was dangerous

Dangerous because I had babies

Dangerous because I was the only one taking care of them

Dangerous because I could have killed myself mixing alcohol and prescription drugs

And that is the miracle

The absolute miracle that I didn’t die

Because people have died mixing LESS than what I was mixing every day

 

I’m not sure I cared back then if I died or not

Many days I hoped I would

I didn’t want to kill myself intentionally

But in the back of my mind…if it happened…. it happened

 

It was a horrible time in my life

I hate to even tell you about it

Because as a mother, I can look back and say

I won no awards for those days

I put myself and my children at risk

By downing wine and prescription drugs  together

And yet I was so depressed and so full of fear

That I had to force myself every day not to kill myself

Even with God on my side, I still could barely function

But I wasn’t  leaning on God alone

NOT REALLY

You see,  I was going to Him

But my dependence on Him was new

Brand new

And I just don’t think I trusted Him yet

To be enough

There I was–always trying to help God out

By filling in the gaps

 

I lived a good 6 months in a total fog

And another year slowly coming out of it

I stumbled through life and I drank A LOT at night

Never in front of the children

And only after they went to bed

It was all in secret

I hid it from everyone

There we go again…with the secrets

 

I would drink an entire bottle of wine

And as time went on

More than that

Because these things are progressive

When you use a substance for peace

You’ll always need more

That’s the trick, you see?

That’s the catch

I probably gained 50 pounds QUICKLY due to my drinking habits

During the first few months

And it was scary

Because my tolerance for it grew

And so did my desire

 

It was a long time ago

7 years ago

And that part of my life didn’t last long

Yet I thank God every day nothing tragic happened to us during that time

Because  it was reckless behavior on my part

But I kept seeking after God

Even when I was drunk

Even when I was high off prescription drugs

Even when I was shoving food in my mouth

I would be drinking, eating, praying and reading my Bible

Even through double vision

Messed up..right??

Hey—we start where we start

God meets us where we are

And then we go from there

 

As I grew in my faith

Things got better and I put the alcohol away

You see alcohol really isn’t my thing

It never was

I can pick it up….I can put it down

I can go from drinking a bottle of wine every night

To nothing….just like that

But brownies? Oh now THAT is a different story my friends

 

Because THAT is my primary addiction

Alcohol? That just came into play when things were so bad

I could barely live through one hour of the day without wanting to jump off a bridge

Once I got out of crisis mode—I never cared to pick it up again

Because then the food was all I needed

The food was my REAL drug

And it got the job DONE

Whatever I needed…..food fit the bill

 

But my weight loss surgery changed that

I had to go cold turkey

Nothing to fill in the gaps

So four months after my weight loss surgery

I picked up a bottle of wine

And I never thought for one second

That I was doing it to fill  a void

It did not even cross my mind that it was a bad idea

I just thought

“Hmm…haven’t had any wine lately..maybe I’ll grab some”

And it went in the cart

Amazing….I didn’t even consider that it was a bad idea

Do you see how careful we have to be?

How we lie to ourselves?

 

Off and on for the past 15 months, I have found myself with a glass of wine

Not always

Not daily

In fact months span in between

But somehow when anxiety creeps back in

Or I get stressed out

Or depressed

I find myself reaching for the wine

 

Many people drink to “relax”

And why shouldn’t I, right?

It hasn’t been a problem

I already know it’s not my ‘primary’ addiction

Pick up a cookie…and trouble will brew

But alcohol I can pick up and put down

So what’s the problem?

 

Recently I prayed for God to reveal to me

Any areas of my life that I have not surrendered to Him

I asked Him to show me and open my eyes to anything that stands in the way

Of my total dependence on HIM as my sole source of peace

When you ask God to do something….watch out

Because when He opens your eyes to something….it isn’t always pretty

But it is always what we need to hear

 

God told me this

GIVE IT UP

PUT IT DOWN

LET IT GO

And he meant wine

He meant my bottle of White Zinfandel

He meant my bottle of Chardonnay

He even meant my bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon

And I said…..Really, God??

I mean….REALLY?

Surely you can’t be referring back to that little blip in history

7 loooong years ago when I spent 6 months drinking every night

Come on…that was a long time ago

I’m in a different place now!

And I’ve got this under control

So why should I give it up?

 

But His answer remained the same

It didn’t matter that I had control

He said “Give it up”

And then I got mad

And resentful

And angry

Because I’ve already given up cupcakes and cookies and ice cream

I’ve given up croissants and bagels and Snickers and Reeses

And now you’re going to take my Pinot Grigio too?

You’re going to take my Merlot?

What is this??

What more do you want from me??

And here comes the pity party

I have so little already, Lord

I’ve got no husband

I’ve got no cupcakes

And now you want my wine too??!

Oh what a baby I can be !!

Because that’s what I told Him

In no uncertain terms

And then I did like my kids when I tell them to clean their rooms

And they pretend not to hear me

I just walked on by as if nothing had been said

And decided maybe we had a bad connection

Maybe God’s cell phone tower isn’t receiving my signal

Maybe God meant that message for someone else

And we got our wires crossed

Because SURELY God is not going to take from me

Every single thing I could ever use to ease anxiety

Surely after having to rip a donut out of my hand

He is not going to ask me to then give up my Chardonnay too?

 

It hit me squarely in the jaw

Like a left hook

And it stung

Because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt

That God meant what He said

And if I wanted to truly rid myself of every single thing

That stands in the way of my complete dependence on Him

Then the wine had to go

Because I am someone who turns to food for the wrong reasons

I turn to it for comfort and peace and love

And in the abscence of food

I turn to wine

Not always

Not daily

Maybe not even for months at a time

But when I do buy it…it’s because I’m stressed

And that’s dangerous

Dangerous for someone like ME

Someone with a history of using a ‘substance’ for peace

 

People who rely on food and then give it up

Will often transfer that addiction to alcohol

Just as an alcoholic who quits drinking

May transfer that onto food

This is tricky business

And we have to constantly search our hearts

To be absolutely sure we aren’t trading in one poison for another

 

Anyone who knows my history

Would say “Seriously?? Did you really think it was a good idea?”

But the mind can be devious

The enemy seductive

He comes to destroy us

Do you think he will allow you total victory

Without a fight?

If you conquer one area, he will bring up another

He will fight you for your freedom

And we have to be ready

 

I didn’t want to give up my wine

But God showed me that it was NOT for me

It doesn’t matter if I’m not having a problem with it

It doesn’t matter if I’ve only had one glass a few times a month

It doesn’t even matter if I’m drinking a few sips and pouring it out

If He shows me that I need to give it up

Then I have to give it up!!

 

He showed me the risk was not worth the investment

Because there is only ONE source of comfort for me

That is risk free

And it is the One who will never harm us

He will never hurt us

He will never take more than He gives

And He wants us all to Himself

 

God has been teaching me for years to let Him be my sole source of support

My sole source of peace

But like a child, I always stand before Him hiding a little something behind my back

Pretending I have shown Him everything

When in fact I’m still hiding something

As I hope to distract Him from saying

Show me what’s in your hands

Show me what’s behind your back, Holly

 

I dont want to hold back anymore

Even if it is something I don’t feel is destructive

Something I don’t feel I need to give up

If He is warning me of it

Then that is enough

But it’s still hard to do

To give more up

To let more go

 

But I know this

Every bad habit

Every false source of comfort

That I give up

Makes more room for Him

So really to give up

To hand over

To let go

Actually means….

TO WIN

More of Him

More of His strength

More of His love

A closer relationship with the only One who can help me

 

Food

Wine

It’s nothing more than a poor substitutue

For the real thing

For the One who loves me

The One who heals me

The One who calms me

His love for us is real

It is deep

And it is the cure

And that is better than cupcakes

Better than wine

And yes….

Even better than chocolate