I love this sign
That my kids made for me
To start off the New Year!!
My kids know
That 30 Seconds
Means
HOPE
Because they were there by my side
When I followed the 30 seconds to Victory Plan
That my brother, Lee , gave me
A plan that said
Start with 30 Seconds
And go from there
When I stood up for the first time
To do my first 30 seconds
The kids were there
And we checked off
Together
I cannot even tell you
How many times before that
I had tried to exercise
And failed
When I could barely walk
I just felt hopeless
What exercise program exists at MY level?
NONE
But my brother‘s plan
Changed that for me
Finally I had a plan at MY level
And I had someone giving me permission
To count that
AS A REAL WORKOUT PLAN
In your head you might think
30 Seconds?
Pfffffffttt!
That does NOT count!
That is not enough!
But shockingly
In only two months time
I had gone from barely being able to walk
To pacing the hallway
To counting mailboxes
Counting houses
And then around the block
TWICE
For the first time in a decade
I was making progress
I could finally feel that sense of accomplishment
Instead of failure
I could finally see HOPE coming my way
I like looking back
And seeing that it worked
That 30 Seconds worked!!
But what I really love
Is seeing hope finally emerging
From the dusty recesses of my heart
Where it had been abandoned for so long
Pictures of 30 Seconds in Action
From 30 seconds of walking
To 30 seconds of swimming
Those 30 seconds led me to this moment
In the past, I might have thought
That’s not a good picture of me
I’m so big!
But what I see there
Is FLOATING
Being comfortable
Being at peace
And don’t we ALL deserve some of that?
REGARDLESS OF OUR SIZE ??
3o Seconds led me
To the Riverwalk
FINALLY
When Amanda came to visit
Because now I could handle it
Fitting through this small door!!
Even the confidence
To be a little silly
And just have fun!!
Despite my size
30 Seconds gave me
My first taste of victory
It grew my confidence
Here is a picture of me
Very close to the start of this journey
I was heading out the door
To do one of my 30 Second Victory Walks
The pain was still there
All the time
Hence the face
And please ignore the messy bathroom
It’s so hard to clean
When you are obese
Because you can’t bend down
You can barely breathe
You are weak all the time
It’s amazing the innumerable tasks
That become a nightmare for you
If you were too weak to clean your house
Because you had a disease
People would understand
They would have compassion for you
Maybe they would even send someone to your house
To help clean it
But if you’re too weak to clean your house
Because you’re obese
Well that’s just your fault
And now they have one more thing
To hold against you
One more thing
To despise you for
Sometimes 30 seconds is YOUR marathon
But if you just keep going
No matter what
Just keep getting up
And doing what you can do
You’ll find your life changing
You’ll find yourself
Finally feeling successful!
Finally feeling victorious!
And all it took
Was 30 Seconds at a time
You will never feel like THIS again
Because now you will know
That you CAN
If you just start
With 30 Seconds at a time
And keep going
A little bit more each day
Amanda took this picture of me
When she came to visit
Back in March 2011
It was my first time fitting
On the Riverboat
But this picture
Was so unflattering
That Amanda
Being the good friend that she is
Decided not to even show it to me
She did not want me to see this
And then get depressed
Because this is what I looked like
AFTER LOSING 100 POUNDS
So to see this
Might have made me think….
“What’s the point??”
“I still am huge”
“I will always be huge”
She held onto that picture
Until now
Because now I can handle it
But this is what I want to say
It’s a VERY unflattering picture
Every single thing about it
Screams “DELETE!!!!”
Even the way I’ve got my hand perched on my hip!
Oh my…
And you could call it a bad angle
Or you could attribute it
To the fact
That I always look better standing up
As opposed to sitting down
Because when I sit down
It just all pools up around you
Something pops up here
Another thing pops out there
Oh there’s a lot of poppin’
When you’re obese!
Try as you might to get things
Tucked in where they belong
Sitting down is just unforgiving
Nothing you tucked
Or crammed
Or jammed in
Is going to stay positioned
When you sit
I mean that’s just the truth
I’ve always been appalled by the way I look in a picture
When I’m sitting down
Because if you’re standing up
You’ve got a fighting chance
But when you sit down
Gravity takes what you’ve got
And spreads it all out around you
The reality was this
I was chipping away
At a MOUNTAIN
100 Pounds were gone
That is something to be proud of
Had I seen that picture
Back then
She’s right
I would have flipped
But now when I see it
It’s ok
Because that woman
Is doing her best
That woman
Is walking 30 seconds at a time
And she’s finally learning
TO LIVE AGAIN
So I’m posting it
Because that was a fun day for me
Despite what that picture looks like
And I deserve to have every bit of that memory
No matter what
Beauty really is more than the surface
And it’s time we start allowing ourselves
To enjoy our life
No matter what the picture says
It doesn’t define us
Overweight, obese, super obese
YOU ARE A PERSON
YOU COUNT
And that is something
I’ve learned along the way
300 Pounds
Is a lot to lose
And I had to learn
To stop being so hard on myself
To stop analyzing my every imperfection
Because it might be hard for you to believe
But that was the best I could do
ON THAT DAY
And what people see on the outside
Does not always reflect
What is happening on the inside
Do you think the people that passed by me that day
And saw me sitting there
Thought for one second
“That woman is working out every single day”
“That woman has lost 100 pounds”
“That woman is going to make sacrifices today”
“She’s a healthy eater”
Of course not!
And yet every single
One of those statements
WAS TRUE
But they only saw
What was on the outside
And sometimes the outside
And the inside
Don’t match
Many will pass you by in life
Write you off
Judge you and condemn you
For what they see
Just on the outside
But there is One
Who will never do that to you
And His Name is Healer
Healer of your heart
Your judged, condemned, and broken heart
Judged by others
But most of all
Judged by YOURSELF
We have to live with ourselves
Every day
One person you will never escape
IS YOU
So set down the judgements
And pick up some compassion
For yourself
And then one day
You will find
That compassion will spread
You’ll see people in a different way
Because everyone has a story
Everyone has pain
And sometimes what we need
Is a little mercy
For others
A litle mercy
FOR OURSELVES
In time
You will start to reach your goals
Your life will change
Your body will change
Trust me
It will happen
It takes time
It takes patience
It takes giving yourself a chance
Giving yourself plenty of
Mercy and compassion
Each and every day
But you’ll find your way out
Of the darkness
YOU WILL
And when you do
The light will shine down
So bright in your life
You’ll have to wear sunglasses
Because you’re so used to the dead of night
You’re so used to nothing but
Neverending darkness
That when the SON shines down
You won’t even know what to do
You’ll have to let your eyes adjust
But one day you’ll see
That the light is here
And it’s guiding you
Through those 30 seconds
Through those memories of a broken past
Through the pain
And that’s when you’ll know
That’s when you’ll FINALLY know
YOU’RE FREE
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Love it! I am soo proud of you. I loved hearing you on the blogcast radio show last night on Huffington Post. You and Lee did a great job. I am soo proud of you plugging away every day – eating right and exercising- even though there have been a ton of ups and downs this past year- you have still stuck with it. You are inspiring me to get back to eating right again and finding some way to exercise every day. I have started using the Wii Fit again and have been forcing myself to go out and exercise. Can’t wait to see what this new year holds for all of us. Can’t wait to read the comments under your blog posts each day. I love hearing how everyone is doing. Happy New Year Again! It is going to be a great one!
Beautiful post Holly! And I love that Amanda held onto the picture. It’s so interesting how angles can help or hurt a photo. Based on the earlier photo of you and Amanda (SAME DAY) you wouldn’t think that you are looking at the same person. I love seeing how far you have come, and love that you are such an inspiration to so many, me included!
Sheila recently posted..The Great Plan
Another great post!! I get so excited when I see an email that you’ve written something new. Your writing is beautiful and eloquent. It is both motivational and a daily devotion. Those two go hand in hand. Thank you for putting it out there for all of us that need to hear it!
Wow. wow. wow. You are AWESOME in the truest sense of the word! Goosebumps!
Joonbug recently posted..January is "Alcohol Free for a Better Me" Month!
Love this post! Very inspirational and beautifully written.
I am in awe of your progress thus far and tenacity to have stuck with, even as you continue to do so.
Love the sign that your kids made too!:-)
Rue recently posted..Post Lemon Meringue Piecolyspe
That pic of you after the rain with wet hair is my absolute FAVE. Can’t wait to see what you achieve in 2013.
Once again, your blog has touched, my heart, my mind and my soul! You portray so vividly with your words all that we have been through on our journeys and I love it. I also see BIG things in your future. Probably a bad choice of adjectives–the word “BIG.” But you and your brother have hit upon a slogan “30 Seconds to Victory,” and both of you are living examples of what can be accomplished when you start with just those 30 seconds! I think you will be someone who will be very influential in the weight-loss and maintenance community when you hit your goal. I can see you on Dr. Oz, and The Doctors and in all the magazines and newspapers! You and your brother could start a business called “30 Seconds to Victory,” where you provide support to people who have had weight loss surgery. My daughter-in-law had the surgery and quickly lost 75 pounds, but then lost her motivation and regained all her weight. So I know that the surgery is just a tool–and you need so much more than that to lose the weight and KEEP IT OFF. You and your brother could be the two people who start a whole new aspect of the weight loss industry—SUPPORT AFTER SURGERY!
You have always been a beautiful person, but with your weight loss you are slowly revealing that beautiful physical person too!
I am so excited for you and I am looking forward to the day when I can say, “I knew Holly way back when….”
Pam recently posted..Undecorating
Fabulous post once again! Thanks for inspiring me. I think you and your brother should write a book: “The 30 Second Plan” !
Lisa
P.S. I’m down 10 lbs.! 40 to go!
Holly, Holly, Holly…..you are living in my head, lady! This post, it really spoke to me. I guess because I am my own harshest critic, and trust me, I’ve had plenty of critics, but I am the worst. My own worst enemy. Thank you for opening my eyes. And for putting into words, through this entire blog, what it truly feels like to live as a morbidly obese person. People have no idea what this hell is like, from others, from yourself, from just living day to day.
I used to wear it with pride, ya know, that I pushed myself so hard. I wasn’t always obese, in fact 12 yrs ago I was an athlete, a semi-professional rider and horse trainer, and I had a coach tell me “you know what I love about you, the harder I push you, the better you get”. I was proud that I always pushed myself to exceed beyond what was expected of me. I was very fit. My martial arts instructor constantly reminded me “you didn’t learn to walk in a day, be patient with yourself, you are doing great!” But that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to be the best, at everything, immediately, and even if I didn’t have the most raw talent or natural ability, my secret weapon was that I was convinced I could try harder, try longer, try MORE than anyone else. Somewhere along the line someone told me that the person who wins the gold is the person who wants it the most. And that stayed with me. All I had to do was want it the most, work for it the hardest, and I would be the best. My motto for YEARS was “If you have a pulse, you can try harder”. I actually lived like that, telling myself that it was my job to find out if it was humanly possible to be even better (stronger, faster, more accurate, etc). I was very successful, trained with and by some of the very best riders and trainers in the world, was made career offers, and had an amazing future ahead of me.
Then, for some really stupid reasons, I gave up all that and got married to a guy (who would eventually leave me with 2 very young kids, for someone else), stayed in an unhealthy marriage for several years, gained a few hundred pounds while I followed him and put my life on hold for his military career….and I became a master at despising myself, hating myself, and hiding from the world. My former drive and ambition was warped by depression, and bitterness, I guess, and turned into “nothing you do is good enough, you could have tried harder, done better, done more”.
The marriage ended. Eventually. After 7 moves in 12 yrs. I had some pretty intense counseling. I did get remarried. We bought a beautiful little abandoned farm that we are slowly rebuilding. My wonderful husband bought me a gorgeous horse, with world class potential, she really is stunning. And here I sit, over 400lbs. I have succeeded and exceeded at everything I have put effort into (sports, college, etc)….except weight loss. I try, and fail. And try. And fail. Over. And over. And over. And it kills me, literally. I have tried every diet known to man. I have lived through deployments where I existed for MONTHS on egg whites and sugar free jello, to lose paltry amounts of weight. I have extreme difficulty in losing weight, and gain it back (plus some) so fast I have been called a liar by personal trainers and nutritionists. My body hates me. And I hate it.
After years and years of avoiding doctors (I wont get started on military “healthcare” or their “doctors”) I finally have one that truly feels like an advocate. She is amazing, and she supports my plan to have WLS, if we can come up with the money, since our insurance has an exemption.
I want to live again. I feel like Scrooge, waking up Christmas morning, knowing he will never be the same. I want to live my whole life with compassion now, not despising fat people, or anyone, really. I want to help others, to be free and help others be free as well. I can love myself and others, no matter who is “best”, because true love is unconditional, like God’s love for me. The real winner is the one who understands what is truly important in life, and set’s their heart on those things.
God willing, we will be able to get the financing for me to get surgery, this spring.
Miss Holly you are so beautiful! I look forward to your blog each day. The pictures of your transformation are so inspiring, but most of all I love your stories. My favorite and I think of it all the time. Is the story about the woman in your neighborhood, who was inspired by YOU. Love that story!
Keep writing please
Tracy Stevenson @ My Tiny Tank recently posted..Were Others Nice to You at the Gym This Week?
I had VSG on 10/22/12. I cannot tell you how much you help me with the “demons” in my head! Thank you and Happy New Year:)
Holly when I read your posts… I remember. I remember how some of those things felt. I remember those feelings of disappointment, mostly in myself. Your story always encourages me to keep going. I reached the 90 lb weight loss mark today. My husband has been told to find that tiara for me when I hit the 100 lb loss. I’ve got a ways to go. New challenges present themselves each day but you are right… Give me 30 seconds of the right attitude. 30 seconds of will power. 30 seconds of HOPE and I can accomplish my dreams. Thanks, Holly. You are an amazing voice for all of us struggling to be a better we in 2013.
You hit the nail on the head again!
This weekend I went wedding dress shopping with my sister-in-law and I was surprised by how terrible I looked sitting down. I had this huge tire around my mid-section still (It’s bigger than my boobs!!). I felt so discouraged!
I just takes time!
Daphne @ Daphne Alive recently posted..Wedding dress shopping in Calgary
I just ‘discovered’ your blog today so I’m unfamiliar with the “30 second” plan except what I just read. But, I had my own “30 seconds” today… after dinner, while my husband was watching TV & I was on the computer, he asked me to make him a bowl of ice cream & get some cookies. As I did that, I SO wanted some ice cream… and cookies! But, I held strong… for 30 seconds… and that was about all it took for that urge to pass! When I saw him eating chips I had another strong desire, and that time it probably only took 5 seconds to get past it. Wow! Those teeny, tiny bits of time really can make a difference!
Thanks again for sharing your story!
Dana (aka Smiley88) recently posted..Reading Challenge: Back to the Classics
I check your blogs daily. Your writing style is witty, keep it up!
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