One day over the course of a conversation
That I was having with a group of people
It came up naturally
That I had a Masters degree in Education
And I will never forget
The next thing that came out of
This woman’s mouth
With a look of astonishment
Her face literally agape
Jaw on the ground
She stopped the conversation
And said
“Wait! YOU have a Masters degree??”
I replied, “Yes”
Not sure why this was so shocking
And she shook her head
And said “REALLY???“
“Yes”, I added
And then the conversation continued on
Later this same woman stopped me
As I was walking to my car
And she questioned me again
About my Masters degree
Asking me more about it
She found it absolutely fascinating
I had known this woman
For about 5 months
Not well obviously
But we were acquainted
She said to me
Words I will never forget
Well I just never would have thought
FROM LOOKING AT YOU
That you would have a Masters degree
I walked away from that conversation
Thinking
WHAT??
What does that mean?
The next week I went back
And had another acquaintance approach me
And say
“Oh I heard from so and so that you have a Masters degree“
“Yes I do”
“Oh wow…that is great!! I never would have thought that about you!!”
How do you take that?
Is that a compliment? Or an insult?
What is that comment supposed to mean?
Several of the people in the group found it shocking
To hear about my education
Partly because of my weight
Partly because I was a single mother of 4 children
Countless times in my life
- The number of children I have
- My marital status
- And my weight
Have been the triple threat
And not in a good way
Those facts apparently threatened my chances
To be accepted on any level
By those who decided that those three things
Defined my intelligence
I have a Bachelors Degree
Double Majoring in Psychology and English
I have a Masters degree in Education
With additional certifications from the state of Texas
Which I tacked on to my Masters degree
I’ve always enjoyed school
So I even have an entire semester
From a second Masters degree program
In Counseling
That I was pursuing before determining
That I lacked the time to complete it
I was even accepted to a Doctoral program in Education
Which I never pursued either
I just wanted to see if I could get in
On the off chance I decided to keep going
With my Education
Of course most people don’t know these things
Because I don’t walk around
Handing my resume out to people
But at 400 plus pounds
I often felt that I should have
Just to gain entry to the conversation
Here is reality
That woman said it all
When she said this
“FROM LOOKING AT YOU”
I never would have thought
You would have a degree
So my appearance
Somehow affects my ability
To earn a degree?
My weight
Somehow is indicative
Of my intelligence?
APPARENTLY
People think this
They really do
It’s hard to believe
Hard to grasp
But this opened my eyes
To what many were thinking
I’ve had similar experiences over the years
Where people or potential employers
Would judge me
Based purely on my weight
It seems the number on the scale
Reigned far above anything else on my resume
This is what people think
When they see someone
Who weighs over 400 pounds
“You can’t be very smart if you don’t understand that eating that much will make you obese!”
Like so many out there
They chalk it up to a knowledge problem
An intelligence problem
Or a character issue
You lack character because you can’t control your food intake
You are morally reprehensible because you can’t stop eating
You are of lower intelligence because you can’t comprehend the most basic
Caloric equations to control your weight
They decide that because you have one area of your life
That you cannot control
Then you must not have control
Over anything else either
I mean if you can’t even control what you eat
Why would I believe you have control over anything else?
This seems to be what they think
This is sad
Because no one is perfect
If you’re thin
But you lack control in some area of your life
Your finances perhaps
Drinking
Temper
Whatever it may be
You might be able to hide that
From the world
But if you’re obese
If you have a food issue
GOOD LUCK
The whole world will know
People who are obese
May have total control
Over every other area of their life
BUT their weight
They may be astute investers
They may be ingenius business men and women
They may be excellent teachers
They may be kind and generous and smart and marvelous
In every possible way
But because they publicly have to wear
Their food issues
And have no ability to hide it
They are stamped
INCAPABLE
LAZY
STUPID
I really hate to say this
But I have found it to be true
NOT EVERYONE IS THIS WAY
Trust me—I know this
Look at my brother for example
His wife came into his life
At his heaviest weight
He weighed 454 pounds
And carried an oxygen tank around
Just to breathe
She saw past the weight
But trust me
That is NOT the norm
It takes a very special person
(Which she is)
To see PAST the weight
And straight to the heart
But many
Far too many
Refuse to see past the exterior
And judge you immediately
For what you weigh
Now let me stop for a moment
And flip the script
Because there is another stereotype
Regarding education
That is out there as well
Some of the smartest people I know
Some of the most intelligent
Have no education at all
My grandmother had an 8th grade education
And she was self made
She was a shrewd business woman
Intelligent and accomplished
In every way
Google famous people in history
Who never went to college
And you will quickly find
That the degree
Does not make the man
Or the woman
Some of the smartest and most successful people
Out there
Didn’t need those credentials
To succeed far beyond their counterparts
With advanced degrees
But here is my point
Our intelligence levels
Our abilities
Our potential
Should not be judged
So quickly
By those
Who are in fact the ones
Guilty of ignorance
Who is really the one
That needs to be educated
In this scenario
If you look at a person
And think their weight
Somehow determines
Their intelligence
That number on the scale
Is not your IQ Score
Those degrees hanging on my wall
Shouldn’t come as a shock
Because of my weight
Being obese doesn’t impair my ability
To think
To study
To achieve
Just like NOT having a degree
Doesn’t mean someone lacks the ability
To think
To study
To achieve
This is the world we live in
And sadly it is full of stereotypes
That seem to exist
Every day obese individuals
Accomplish things
Proving that their weight
Does not have any bearing
On their intelligence
And yet still there is this idea
That permeates society
That says
We are stupid
We are lazy
We are incapable
When you live that way for years
You have to prove to people
By overcompensating in other areas
By working harder
To prove you are not who they think you are
You show up early
And work late
You do whatever it takes
So they’ll know
You are capable
The world is full of stereotypes
Misconceptions
False beliefs
There is One who knows this well (Mark 15:3)
For He has been misunderstood for centuries
He knows easily how people
Can attribute to Him a quality
That is not His own
Often times people so easily fall
Into believing things that just aren’t true
Judging people
Before getting to know them
Their looks
Their clothes
Their house
Their voice
Whether they stutter
Their physical abilities
Or lack thereof
And certainly
Their weight
Have you ever been
To a job interview
And had the potential employer
Pull out a scale
And ask you to step on it
Before the interview would proceed?
Of course not!!
That would be illegal
So they weigh you in their mind
Weigh you up before you can even get all the way in the room
And if you can’t fit in their chair
Or you’ve had to squeeze in
They’ll often determine
That you can’t string a complete sentence together
That you can’t transmit ideas
That you are most likely the least intelligent person
They’ve met all day
Simply because
That invisible scale in their mind
That they had you figuratively step on
Told them so
You can become bitter
Or
You can become better
That’s the phrase
And it’s true
Bitter or better
What will it be?
We let these experiences define us
Or we let these experiences
Become stepping stones
To make us more compassionate
To the world around us
I choose compassion
Compassion for the ignorant
Who have no idea
Just how small their world is
When they judge
Compassion for others
Who may not be judged for their weight
But most certainly are
For other reasons
We either let these things drag us down
We believe the lies
That we are stupid and lazy and lack intelligence
Or we combat the lies
With truth
And then we grow compassion
For those who seem to know no better
And then we pray for those
Still suffering under these lies
Obesity was the teacher I never asked for
The one I never wanted
The class I never signed up for
I have degrees
Hanging on my wall
But obesity was the class
I had to take
Every semester
For endless years
The one class
I seemed to fail repeatedly
Yet somehow ended up
Registered for once again
At the start of every new year
The class I desperately wanted to drop
From my schedule
But never could
It was far more brutal
Than any degree I have hanging on my wall
And it taught me more
About the human condition
And life
Than any class I ever took
In my Psychology major
Trial by fire
Hands on learning
Thrown in the fire
Sink or swim
This degree is earned
By every person
Who struggles through obesity
A Bachelors degree in Suffering
A Masters degree in pain
A Doctorate in Adversity
No matter how unwillingly you go
You will find yourself
Sitting in its classroom
Front row and center
Taking never-ending tests
You were not prepared for
It will teach you things
You never asked to learn
It will open your eyes
To the truths of this life
You wished you never had to know
It will show you things
You wish you could unsee
Words and condemnations
You wish you could unhear
But in the end
You will find
That if you let yourself
The lessons can be used
For good and not evil
How to be a survivor
How to take care of yourself
When the whole world
Is throwing rocks your way
Obesity was the teacher
I never wanted
But who has taught me more
Than I could have learned
In any other way
So for that I will be thankful
Because…..
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
WOW!
This post really resonated with me. I have tried (and failed) to explain this very concept to my husband, and others, who refuse to think that the world operates this way. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told that this is “all in my head”. But, they aren’t on the receiving end of it, so they don’t have to carry the shame and stigma of ALWAYS being the fattest person in the room….to be treated like a pariah, it leaves a soul-deep mark.
I guess that is part of why I prefer to socialize online. Where no one can look at me first, and then decide if my IQ surpasses that of plant life, and use my size to determine if I am capable of interesting and thoughtful conversation.
Thank you, yet again. Thank you for being “our” voice.
fantastic!!! I am so glad I have you on my blog roll….the hardest lesson learned about looks wasn’t when I was overweight..it was after I lost weight. I saw the disparity in how I was treated both before and after…and people would say “Well, you act differently.” And I do…but others acted differently towards me. For many people who ‘think’ they are superior…they are actually some of the most shallow people around. They see only the surface. They don’t care what is underneath. And that was the hardest lesson. But it’s a good one. You know who loves you, and who your friends are.
Chris recently posted..Why pre-planning my meals is VITAL
Back in the 1970′s I was on a job interview when after the interview was over the “gentleman” asked me if he could ask me a personal question . Really wanting the job I said sure. He proceeded to ask me why a young girl like me was so overweight. I did not know how to reply so I thanked him and left. Today, that is illegal but back then it was not. I never forgot that man or the pain of that question. What did that have to do with my ability to do the job?
I get the shocked comments and stares as well. I have a master’s degree and four kids. If I’m at work, the shock is about having four kids. If it is in a social situation, the shock is that I have a master’s degree. For me, I get it more often about the number of kids I have than my weight, but I definitely get what you are talking about.
Big hugs, Holly.
Linda Sherwood recently posted..I am NOT sick
Absolutely loved today’s post. Everything you said is very true to how I felt. “you must be dumb if you dont know that eating that much will make you fat”. Geeze. Some people are so ignorant. And some of the smartest people I know are SO dumb! Such is life and it is up to you what you make of it. Lemons or lemonade yes?
Lee Ann recently posted..Continuing on…
This rings so true for me in so many ways. Thank you for your writing.
Adelyn recently posted..Progress Check– Early Edition
I also have a Masters in Higher Education and at my largest I was at the thick of my Doctorate – ironically I had the opposite response not with education but with not having children.
1. I’m married
2. I’m the main bread winner if you will
3. We have chosen not to have kids
When I was heavy, individuals find it selfish for me to move my husband around for me to work in the university system. They find me at my heaviest that education is “all i could do” and they can’t understand why I don’t want to try to have kids now that I’ve lost the weight.
Looking at me…they didn’t think my choices were right, but my choices are my choices. You are intelligent and it never had anything to do with your weight. Thank you for sharing.
Boy I can totally relate…I too have a Master’s degree, mine is in Community Health Education of all things, people are shocked by the master’s degree and even more shocked by the health education part. An obese person who knowledgeable in health? That doesn’t make sense! A little while ago I had someone say are you going to go back to school after your surgery? I said why, I already have a master’s degree, they were shocked, they were also a wls patient. I’ve had 50 some interviews, in my field or closely related, probably since finishing my degree in 2007 and never got any of them. People would rather focus on my size than my education and accomplishments. I am what I like to call underemployed, working and being paid far below what I am capable of.
Jessica From Bariatric Beginnings recently posted..Surgery Update #2
Love your post (as always). Just wish it wasn’t so much scrolling. LOL
Tammy Herrin recently posted..Weigh In + Friend Makin’ Mondays: Interesting Things
Quite unbelievable! Wow. I’m horrified to hear
this. I can’t believe the woman said that and
allowed her face to show her shock. ?!!
Sheesh! On appearance?! Wild.
I can definitely relate! In professional settings, I am usually both (1) the fattest person in the room and (2) the smartest person in the room. That’s not hubris speaking.
And when meeting with clients or counterparts it is truly funny to watch people’s attitudes change once I start to speak up in a meeting. When I start talking, people kind of roll their eyes, impatient that I am taking up their valuable time. There’s a palpable shift as they realize that I am talking sense — that I understand their issues sometimes better than they do and I have smart, on-point, relevant contributions to the discussion.
Part of the initial disdain is no doubt for me as a woman in a subset of law that is really predominantly male, but neat, trim, fashion-plate type women in my field do not get the same disdain.
Unlike many, I have been lucky enough to get my dream job in my field. However, though it is my dream job, it is not the top job I am qualified for. I have to wonder — would I have been able to get the job if I had been merely qualified rather than over-qualified?
This was such an amazing blog post.. I know those exact feelings well.. im fat so i must be stupid?! Are you crazy! anyway, thank you for that wonderful message, I will use my knowledge and experience for good, just like you did.
Have a blessed week!
-Amy-
Holly, When your book comes out, I’m going to be first in line to buy it. You are so right–we are judged by our appearance, and considered to be lazy and stupid because we are obese. There are some who do not judge based on appearance. My husband judges others on their appearance and it bothers me, but he has loved me through the fat years and now, this thinner time (which I hope is permanent), and to me that says a lot about his character. He told me once that he saw “beyond the fat.” He didn’t dwell on my size ever and he rarely mentioned it, but I will never forget him saying that and I thank God for that attitude. To be honest, I’m not sure that I would have been capable of sticking with a person who let herself become so obese and stayed that way for most of our marriage. I know I would not have been as compassionate as he was. I have friends and co-workers who did not judge me on my size too. But there are many others who did judge me. I think my weight is one of the reasons I couldn’t get a teaching job, or an advancement or promotion in the job I did get after college. Sometimes I want to shout: “Hey–I’m NOT STUPID!”
We have learned empathy and become stronger because of the treatment we received as obese women, however. And I LOVE your graphic and the words you wrote:
Do Not Judge
Have Compassion
Overcome Adversity
Be A Fighter!
Now as we enter the world of normal-sized people, I hope we can remember those lessons we learned.
Thanks for being the voice for our concerns and standing up for those of us who cannot write as well as you!!!
Pam recently posted..Over-Reacting
Unfortunately, I’ve taken the same class. Great post Holly, I wish you never have to experience another person like that. I like that choice “bitter or better.” It’s hard sometimes not to be bitter.
Tammy recently posted..Weigh-in and Walking
Holly,
I wish I had time to write more now, but I must take a quick moment to thank you for this *amazing* piece. I truly felt you were speaking for me, writing for me, writing in one powerful Voice that captures the experiences of millions.
I am honored to call your amazing brother a good friend; I hope that someday soon I’ll have a chance to meet you, too.
With warmth and respect,
Heather Flannery, CEO, Obesity PPM
Heather Flannery recently posted..FDA Unveils New “Strategic Plan for Regulatory Science”
Many excellent points in this blog! Another great blog post!
No one disagrees with the idea that one should not be judged by one’s appearance.
But it is very true that there obese people are rare in the upper echelons of academia. I cannot think of more than five that would fall into the category of morbid obesity.
Why is this? I’d venture a guess that when pursuing the life of the mind, there is little bandwidth left to devote to overeating. Most PhD candidates are rail thin.
I sense there is a correlation between being “filled ” by one’s passion—in the case of academia, this would be books, research, writing, etc—and that being enough.
Whereas so much of overeating is linked to feelings of isolation and boredom. Both are rare in academic circles, as one is always among students or colleagues, and boredom is moot when one’s life is devoted to one’s area of expertise.
Just my thoughts. Again, it does not excuse that woman’s comment to you, but I do understand the basis for it.
What a great post! Being addicted to food really is one of the worst addictions, because everyone can see it. I often thought it would be so much easier if I could develop bulimia, then at least not everybody would see immediately what my problem was just by looking at me.
And I especially like the quote about bitter and better. That is just what I needed right now, because I am about to become bitter about my weight loss journey. Thanks for another motivating post!
Birgit recently posted..Finding new motivation
I love the way you write and really articulate what I am sure so many of us feel.
Carly recently posted..The Next Right Cup Of Coffee
I’m a new reader, and I’m so excited to follow. I had a similar experience once. I was a very late bloomer: I always say I had an “awkward phase” from the years 0-22. Basically, I looked like a huge nerd, even though I was totally cool–people just had to get past the braces and long, pasty horseface.
I pulled out a cigarette one night as a group of us new dorm friends were walking to a Blues club, and a girl stopped in her tracks and said, “YOU smoke?? You just don’t look like the type!” I understood what she meant: You look like a dork who’s never done a thing wrong. My response: “Yeah, and I’ve had sex, too!” That shut her up. 
I know it’s a completely different circumstance (and I’ve since given up the smoking–okay, so I might have ONE with a drink every now and then, but it’s very, very few and far between), but I can get this. People can be so stupid! We’re all judgmental by nature, but come on–keep your stupid judgments to yourself!! Rock on; I love this blog.
Shay Trashay recently posted..The Grinch: Teenage Angst Come Early
I’m very fortunate to be one of the few that found a man that loves me no matter what the scale has said. I just love myself more being a healthier, fitter version of myself.
Linda Kuil recently posted..The Final Stretch
Holly, you exemplify the basis for my book! For us, it’s never been about weakness and a lack of control. Just the opposite. I believe the real “powerful hunger” inside us is the need to feel in control of our bodies, our minds, and our lives. We do battle with no lesser adversaries than our own brain wiring, our genetics, and our body chemistry. We carry on this war in the most obesogenic culture on earth where even the weight loss marketing promotes indulgence.
If you’ve finished my book, I welcome your comments and critique.
Dagny recently posted..How Kelloggs Manipulates Your Shame
A person is smart. People are dumb. And for anyone to talk to like that is just rude. Seriously, what is WRONG with people? And yes, these lessons are hard and it seems unfair that not everyone has to take them, doesn’t it? But you are educating people every day to see past those appearances and overcome those obstacles and reach their potential.
MandaPanda recently posted..Bad About Posting
I just wanted to say thank you. You put into words the things I have been living through for years. You made me cry, but more important you made me think. “You can become bitter, or you can become better.” I choose to become BETTER! Thanks again. Keep up the good work.
i ask my neighbor to move his car so i could get out of my drive way , his wife screams at me your a fat ass bitch ,, nothing to do with them blocking the drive ,,, i have rental homes ,, i went to collect rent the tentant was moving she says your fat ass ,, just because i wanted the rent that she agreed to pay , so i understand what she is talking about
oh my, this resonated so much for me… I have always been regarded as smart (too smart, ppl act alienated by it even though I’m not in-yer-face about it) and have always been, um, chubby, with the plainest of faces. I almost always came top of my class in school, and my class was the top stream (we were grouped according to academic ability). One day someone introduced me to someone else and said I was that keener that was top of the top class. She took one look at me and said “YOU?!” followed by some remark about how she would never have believed it of someone who looked like me (read: fat, ugly). I would like to be better but some days its just too hard not to be a little bit bitter.
I like your blog. Mind if I look around?
I wish I could have read this blog when I was in college studying to be a dietitian. My education did not prepare me for how to help someone like you (I am not speaking for all dietetics programs). We were taught all things in moderation, but through my experience I have learned that this doesn’t work for everyone. When I started working I realized that many people who were overweight already knew the basics of calories in & out, food journaling, healthy eating, etc and still they weren’t able to lose weight. Dietitians know a lot about nutrition and how to help people with various conditions through diet. But in North America, the biggest health issue is overweight, and so for a long time I felt completely useless as a dietitian. Your perspective is extremely valuable, thanks for sharing and I hope many dietitians are reading your blog.
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