My Thoughts and a Thank You

I’m one of those people

That thinks it all over in their mind

Over and over again

Analyzing it

Before finally speaking on the subject

 

I try never to say something

Unless I know exactly how I want to say it

I try never to offer my opinion

Until I know exactly how I feel

 

And then came last week

And the post I wrote

My reaction to certain people’s comments

The negative comments

Those doubting my pictures

Those telling people they were fake

 

I did something out of character

Against my better judgement

I REACTED

Without taking time to think it over

Without taking time to pray about it

I let my gut reaction rule

And posted my feelings in that moment

Raw and unedited

 

Since that time

I’ve been overwhelmed

With some of the most amazing comments

I have ever had the pleasure to read

I’ve been inundated with emails

Heartfelt and encouraging

 

As I have prayed over this issue

And read your comments and emails

I have learned some things

So I wanted to share with you

What this situation has taught me

 

The first thing I have learned is this

Out of all the negative comments I read

The one that bothered me the most was this:

“Her pictures are fake.  This story is a fraud”

 

Isn’t it funny

That someone can make comments about my looks

Comments about my divorce

Comments about my methods

And yet all of those I was able to dismiss over the past few months

Until THAT comment hit me between the eyes

“You’re a fraud”

 

Why would THAT bother me more than the others?

And this is the thought that came to my mind

By saying my pictures are fake

They are saying none of my hard work was real

They are saying I did not lose 214 pounds

They are saying that every step I took never happened

That it doesn’t count

 

At least that is how it FELT when I heard it

Someone out there is trying to minimize how difficult this has been

Someone out there is trying to minimize the pain we feel

Minimize how hard we have to work at this every day of our lives

To win the battle

 

And that just upset me to the core

Because I know for a fact

That not one of you out there struggling with obesity

Struggling with the mental, emotional, psychological and physical

ANGUISH

Wants to hear our pain being minimized

Or discounted

Or dismissed

As if it is not real

 

There is something else about my personality

Which has often contributed in life

To me throwing down the white flag

And giving up the fight

I HATE CONFRONTATION

I really do

 

I’m that person who refuses to argue with you

I just won’t do it

To me–it’s not worth the stress

If someone wants to argue, I’ll just walk away

I’m not going to waste my time debating someone

 

That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a conversation on something

People sharing different opinions

In a respectful way

No–that I will always engage in if asked

 

The problem I have

Is when people try to dominate and control a situation

Where they have to be right

Push their way way through no matter what

And in those cases

I just throw up my hands and say

Have it your way

 

And then I retreat

Back into my hole

Back into my safe place

Back into my recliner with the remote control

Where I imagine myself sinking into the chair

Becoming one with it

Where no one can see me

Where I’m invisible

Silent

And the stressors of the world

Can pass me by without harm

Because I’m so still, so quiet, so hidden

That they don’t even know I’m there

 

But there has to be a balance

Somewhere in between

Where you aren’t so far into the couch

That you become it

But not so deep inside the drama of the world

That it swallows you whole

 

There will always be negativity

There will always be people out there

Who want to question every single thing you do

And for them

Nothing will ever be good enough

 

When I was 417 pounds and I could not fit in a chair

When I had to lean against my grocery cart

And stop every 5 steps to catch my breath

These were the people staring and pointing at me

Making comments as I walked by under their breath

These were the people leaving notes on my car

To tell me I am a disgrace to society

So that when I came out of the store

I could find that

Because my life wasn’t miserable enough already

My punishment for being bold enough to leave the house

And try to get food for my children

My punishment for being VISIBLE to the world

 

One year at Christmas

I found a post it note

In the center of the wreath on my door

Telling me I was trash

Because of how big I was

AND because of how many children I had

Obese single mom with 4 kids

Judgement on all counts

 

It used to be

That I could go almost no where

Without negative comments or looks

I remember once standing in Walmart

Looking at vacuum cleaners

When a child pointed at me and said

“Mommy, that lady is fat”

 

The mother horrified gave her child that glare

You know…the mom glare

And with the most apologetic look she could

Shaking her head

She said “I am SO sorry”

 

I felt bad for HER actually

I could see how mortified she was

But to me this was no big deal

I mean really…it was only the thousandth time it had happened

So for her it was horrifying

For me…just another day in the life of being me

 

I told this woman

“No–don’t worry about it–she’s right…..I am fat”

That’s what I always said

How I always handled these things

Somehow I thought if I just admitted it

And made it a fact

That would take the emotion out of it

Almost like I was on their side

And I agreed with them

 

I mean if we’re all on the same side

Then what’s the problem, right?

 

Once I went to Charlotte’s award ceremony

When I could still make it there

When I could still walk enough to get in the door

And Savannah could find me a chair with no arms to pull up

Next to the benches that everyone else sat on

 

Charlotte proudly turned to me and waved

From where she was sitting with her class

And like many children

She pointed me out to her classmates

“That’s my Mom!!” she told them

Because to her I was awesome

And she was proud!

 

But to her friends

I was shocking to see

And one boy stared at me

And then turned to Charlotte and said

What I would later find out

Was a comment about my weight

And how big I was

To which Charlotte replied

“She knows”

 

Charlotte had learned to respond as I always did

Trying to take out the emotions

To keep ourselves from being hurt

“She’s big”

“Yeah…she knows…but thanks for the information”

 

But Charlotte wasn’t quite as trained as I was yet

In taking these hits

And it bothered her to the point

That she told the teacher

And the student got in trouble

 

I felt bad about this

Anytime I showed up to a school event

Kids got in trouble

Because they would stare and point

And say things

In my mind it wasn’t their fault

At least not with the smallest kids

Who really have no filter yet

But here I would come

And teachers had to spend extra time

Shushing them

Before long, I felt I only served

To be a distraction

 

Because this is how it always is with children

And the younger they are

The less aware they are

That they are saying something that might be hurtful

To them it’s just an observation

Just a fact

That they’re commenting on

Children rarely mean any harm

It’s the adults you have to watch out for

 

I developed ways of dealing with this

Preemptive strikes

I would mention it

Before they could

That was my strategy

If I was in a group of adults

I would find a way to bring up how big I was

To ease the tension I would tell myself

To break the ice

If anyone was going to be thinking it

Then I would put it on the table for them

That way it was not that awkward topic in the room left unsaid

And no one could have the power over me

(In my mind)

Because I owned the topic from the start by declaring myself in full agreement

With them all

YES I AM BIG….there I said it

Now can we move on?

 

Oh I always made a joke out of it though

Some self deprecating comment

So no one ELSE would feel uncomfortable

Having to be near me

Around me

I would make them feel comfortable

By joking about it

Always trying to make the rest of the world feel better

For having to tolerate my prescence

 

And if children were involved

I could almost always tell

When they were about to make a comment

So I would say something first

Almost cutting them off

Compliment their shirt

Or their back pack

Ask them a question to throw them off

To change the subject

And avoid the missile being fired

 

My brother told me the other day

That once when he came out of the grocery store

He found a note on his car

That said

“Fat is not a handicap”

Because he had that sign in the car

So he could park closer

As he struggled at over 450 pounds

Carrying oxygen wherever he went

 

I could go on ALL DAY LONG

About the comments

The stares

The glares

That we receive living in bodies that size

But I don’t need to

Because you already know

You’ve either lived it

Or you’re living it right now

 

It’s not enough that we must wake every day

To one more 24 hour prison sentence

Trapped inside our bodies

It’s not enough that we must open our eyes

To feeling pain once again

In every single part of our body

From our feet to our knees

To our heart

 

That’s not enough

The psychological torture that society brings to you

Every time you have the audacity

To walk out your front door

Just takes an impossible situation

And drives it further into the depths

Of the living hell in which you exist every day

 

When I first started walking

I will never forget

The man in the truck

Who drove by and yelled out the window

“Get back in the house! You’re too fat to be outside”

Because apparently it’s not enough

For you to even TRY to do better

Even then you are frowned upon by those

Who find you offensive to even look at

They want you out of their world

Out of their sight

Off their roads

 

Today I woke up without pain

I got out of bed as if it was the most normal thing in the world

I did not have to carefully step on each foot

Wincing in pain at the swelling in my feet

I did not have to call for my children to help me get my bearing

As I walked to the bathroom

 

Today I just got up and slipped my feet into my slippers

Let the dog out

Poured some coffee

And sat down in a chair with arms

As if it was no big deal

 

Today I went for a walk outside

On the same road that the truck drove down

Disgusted by my prescence

And I blended in like anyone else

Now 203 pounds

Still obese but not as I once was

Now “acceptably overweight” to the world

I walked and no one cared

No one stared

No one noticed

Blending into the backdrop like anyone else

Not huffing and puffing

Not red in the face

Not struggling or noticeable

Just there

 

I went to the grocery store

And I did not have to lean on my cart

As if the very foundation of it supported my every move

As it once did

I walked through the store

Uninteresting to anyone walking by

Children did not stare and point

Mothers did not have to silence them

No looks of disgust being thrown my way

 

And it’s been this way for awhile

I’m not sure when it happened

I’m not sure when I crossed that line

That line of  ”Acceptability”  by society

That line that said “You’ve arrived”

Where the world looks upon me and declares

That I’m allowed to live now in peace

No more jabs

No more notes on my car

 

But it happened

One day it just happened

Suddenly I became “OK” to be here

To live here

To exist on this planet with the rest of the world

Without being ostracized

And it’s NICE

It’s so very nice

I had forgotten what it was like

To just go places

Do things

Without having to be gawked out

Stared at

Pointed at

Criticized

Questioned

As to why I am this way

As to how I could be this way

 

And I think I got spoiled

I think that’s what happened

It became so peaceful and lovely

To live this way

That suddenly when these negative comments started surfacing

The judgements and questions and criticisms

The accusations that my pictures were not real

That they were fake

It hit me somewhere out of left field

Because I lived my life for years with this blaring noise

Of criticism and negativity

That never left

Until one day it was silenced

I hit some weight that the world declared as acceptable

And it muted all of that

And allowed me to drift through my life

Unbothered by the insults that had previously

Stoned me every day of my life

 

And I like it

People who meet me now

Brand new

They have no idea that I used to weigh over 400 pounds

Not unless I tell them

I think sometimes I could just become this whole new person

This person no one would ever know

Used to be so large

 

I used to go to this singles group

Off and on for years I went

Just a group that people go to for fellowship

To be among those on the same path

But I did not like going

It made me more aware than ever

Of how unworthy I was to even be spoken to

For years no one ever held a door for me

Or rarely

And when they did I was eternally grateful

As I knew how most people thought the door

Should be slammed in my face

And to them I deserved that

And so much more

 

But about a month ago I decided to go again as a test

And something happened

I saw some of the same men I had seen the year before

And suddenly they found me worthy to talk to

The door was held open for me

Two men offered to get me coffee

And one refilled it when he noticed it was halfway gone

Just little things

But they were there

Suddenly I’m worth talking to

When I never was worthy before

 

OR WAS I??

 

Who am I?

But a woman who was imprisoned

Trapped in her body

And now is being set free

 

Have I become so spoiled by the kindess the world now offers me?

Have I become so SOFT because I now am free to walk in peace

Minus the glares I used to receive

Has it become TOO EASY for me to exist now in society

That I’ve forgotten what it’s like for those of you still out there

Still swimming through the filth the world presents to us

With the post it notes they leave on our cars

Or right in the middle of our Christmas wreath

To tell us we are trash?

 

So here I am

So blessed with the praise and encouragement I receive

Through this blog

From the emails and comments you send to me

To inspire and uplift me

Some people never get a single bit of recognition

For anything they have ever done

Many are fighting to lose weight

And yet no one ever says to them

GOOD JOB

 

But here I am

Every day

Being blessed to receive the comments you leave me

Being blessed to walk through the world now in peace

Not fearing every time I go out

Will I have the mental strength to tolerate the bashing I may receive

Just for existing to the visible eye of the world

 

And this is my conclusion

The words of my mother

Who often told me this

When times were tough

“Holly, nothing worth having will ever be easy”

And she’s right

And YOU

YOUR FREEDOM

Is worth having

It’s worth it to me

YOU ARE WORTH IT TO ME

 

People may question how I lost the weight

Some may think the pictures are fake

Some may criticize how I lost it

Some may criticize how I write

Or what I say

But this is all that matters

You are here

And there is a battle going on

A battle for our lives

Would I be weak and retreat

Into the safety of my own life

Because I have managed to break free

From a prison in which I lived for many years

And now have escaped

 

As I run from the prison

Free and clear from the abuse that it brought to my life

I stop and look back

And I think of all those left behind

Those still trapped within its walls

And I ask myself

Is my freedom worth anything

If we leave people behind?

 

Every day many of you face the harshness of the world

You still receive notes on your cars

Glares from society

Snickers and laughs from the cruel who walk by

And you need to know that there is hope

There is hope out there

You need to know that even now

RIGHT NOW

If you never lost another pound

If you continued on the path you are on right now

That even now at THAT weight

Whatever it is

YOU ARE WORTHY

YOU ARE LOVED

YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE HATED

YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE STARED AT

 

I apologize for my momentary lapse of weakness

This Proverb struck me as fitting when I read it today

 

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult—Proverbs 12:16

 

And yes….I am the fool

The one showing annoyance to the insults

Instead of overlooking them as I should

 I am SO grateful for the comments and emails you sent me

To remind me of what is important

To lift me up when I needed it

And help me get my head

Back in the game

 

I even apologize to those

Who hurled the insults at me

Even the person who is telling people

My pictures are fake

Because we must remember

That people who do these things

People who criticize and spread negativity

Are often times

The very people who need the most help

I like to remember this quote

I heard once

“Hurting people hurt people”

 

So instead of becoming angry with them

I should be praying for them

Because only someone trapped in their own misery

Would wish to hurl insult and injury at another

Nothing more than a hurting person

Who has nothing to offer

But more hurt to the world

 

So here we are

In a world that is not perfect

A world that is split and confused

Full of much love and goodness

But torn with hate and evil as well

That is the story of this world

And that is how it will remain

Until the day

He brings us to the end of the story

And finally brings the story to completion

To Redemption

Where we finally see all things

Perfectly healed

No more sadness and no more tears

 

But until that day comes

WE FIGHT!!

 

I will try not to get sidetracked again

By the distractions that only serve to push me

Further away from my goal

Which is to give hope to those who need it

But let me just say

That at the end of the day

It could really be all of YOU

Giving the hope to me

For I have seen the past few days

Within your comments and emails

An unbelievable swell of hope

That is out there

To be given to us all

Through the community of each other

When we band together

And fight

To overcome the darkness

With light

 

Because in my last post

I said

That I did not want the darkness

To overshadow the light

But I must have forgotten

What has always been true

 

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not overcome it.”

AND IT NEVER WILL