I was married for 11 years
Before he left
And in 11 years of marriage
There is only one photograph of us as a family
With me in it
And that was taken by someone
Who just happened to snap it
And send it to me
I treasured that picture
Because it was the only one
That proved
I was the mother
The only one
That showed we had been a family
I could never be in any professional photographs
“You take up too much room”
“You distort the picture”
“You throw off the symmetry”
“You ruin the family photograph”
I could never be in the Christmas picture
Because those were sent out to relatives
And friends
Who didn’t know how much weight I had gained
And it was better to keep it that way
I never insisted that I be in the picture
Because over time I believed it
That I would ruin the picture
That the picture would be distorted
With me in it
What an awful way to think
What an awful way to feel
For years on end
That you aren’t worthy to be in the picture
Because of what you weigh
It didn’t matter that I was their mother
That I took care of them
Day in and day out
When it came time to take a family picture
I was only allowed behind the camera
And never in front of it
Not until I could lose the weight
And be worthy
My mirrors got smaller too
I no longer could bear to see myself
In a full length mirror
Before long
The rear view mirror
Was the only one I owned
Because it showed just a small part of my face
And hid the rest
The rear view mirror
Where I was always looking back
To what could have been
If only I had not gained the weight
When my husband left me
He immediately remarried
And started picking them up
For family portraits
With him and his new wife
She was worthy of being in the photo
That I never could be in
He would have extra copies made
And bring them to me
Instruct me to put it on the center of my mantle
The photo of him and his new wife
With our children
I had finally been erased
Completely eliminated
And no one would ever know that I had even existed
Because in all those years
I had never been in a single photograph
It was as if
I was invisible
My oldest daughter will be 17 years old in February
And my youngest is now 8
Don’t you think it’s time
That I finally have that photograph?
That I finally get to be in the picture?
I have been divorced 7 years
And it took me this long to decide
That I deserved to be in the picture
That I always deserved to be there
I am their mother
And what I weigh
Doesn’t determine my worth
I am not just someone who exists
To change diapers and clean dishes and do laundry
Feed babies and rock them and care for them
But be tossed aside
Hidden away
Because she’s too big to be seen
Unworthy to be in the picture
Well not anymore
I’ve lost 207 pounds
And I decided it was time
To get in the picture
Here are a few of the pictures
We had taken that day
Now I’m going to admit
That this last picture of me
The one I’m about to show you
The one with me and all of the kids
Still made me struggle
As we all know
Pictures can be illusions
You win some
You lose some
Some pictures of me
Make me look thinner than I feel I really am
Others make me look 20 pounds heavier
And the one I’m about to show you
Made me look bigger
Than I look in other pictures
At least that’s how I feel
Maybe it was my shirt
My jeans
My hips
My butt !!
Who knows!
Or maybe that’s just really
How I look!
But I wasn’t going to post it
Because these thoughts
Ran through my head
“You take up too much room”
“You distort the picture”
“You throw off the symmetry”
“You ruined the family photograph”
But then I stopped myself
And remembered
Those were never MY words
Those were never MY thoughts
They belonged to someone else
Who believed all those things about me
Who believed I was unworthy to be in a picture
Because of my weight
Well guess what?
I have lost 207 pounds
And I’m still obese
STILL
I still have big hips and a big butt
And big thighs
And you know what?
My kids said
It was their FAVORITE picture
Out of them ALL
They said it showed us
FINALLY
As a a family
They told me to frame it
And put it on the mantle
IN THE CENTER
And regardless of my insecurities
In spite of the past voices running through my head
I framed it
And there it will stay
Because I am their mother
They are my children
We are a family
And each and every one of us
Deserves to be in the picture
Not because of what we weigh
Or what we look like
On the outside
But because of who we are
We are important
We do NOT distort a picture
We do NOT ruin the family photo
Because of what we weigh
Quite the opposite
We make the picture complete
Because we DO belong
We always belonged
No matter what you weigh
No matter what someone told you
No matter what you feel
Get in the picture
Don’t wait
You are worthy
You are deserving
You are NOT invisible
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
You are so so gorgeous!! Love love love that last photo of you with the kids.. such a perfect family. Your such an inspiration to me!
love these photographs!!! you are beautiful- inside and out!!!
This broke my heart. I too have secluded myself from pictures because I don’t want to mess them up. I have so many pictures of my girls growing up and I just wish I was with them. I am slowly coming around, but of coarse I have to have someone standing in front of me. Congratulations on your journey. BTW the last picture is my favorite too:)
Beautiful photos! Beautiful children! Beautiful mom!! You are courageous, you are inspirational! Your children must be so proud!!
I love the picture you posted and I think your weight loss is an amazing inspiration to others. You look amazing! Way to go in getting new pictures done!
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That made me cry. We do deserve to be in the picture. You have a beautiful family.
What a beautiful photo! I love it!!! You so deserve to place that photo right in the middle of the mantle!!! BAM!!!!
Beautiful photos! I’m so glad you now have some with your children. I’m sorry for what seems like emotional abuse you suffered from your husband, but you are bouncing back and are an incredible inspiration. Kudos to you!
So glad you posted the last one. It is wonderful. You deserve to be in EVERY picture. What a healing experience that must be. I also love the response from your kids–such a reminder that our kids see us MUCH differently (and often better) than we see ourselves.
Adelyn recently posted..Water and Hunger
I’ve run from cameras since fourth grade. I’ve only liked two pictures of myself and they did not look like me. My daughters love to take pictures so I try to smile as they do but I still don’t like it. Your pictures are all lovely.
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Holly, your posts are always so candid and personal and as a result, so moving. This one brought me to tears quicker than the others. I am so very happy for you, happy that you are starting to see your own self worth. You are teaching your kids such amazing life lessons and helping to instill in them the core values and determination that will serve them well throughout their lives. They will never forget these lessons. No doubt you are and always will be their number one hero!! If I could beam myself to TX I’d give you a well overdue heartfelt hug!! Keep fighting the good fight:) You look absolutely amazing!!
I’m so proud of you for getting in the picture! For recognizing that you are not some dirty secret to be hidden from sight, you are their MOTHER. You’ve cleaned up the body explosions, kissed away the tears of heartbreak, praised them in their successes…you’ve EARNED that spot. By the way, your ex is a colossal d-bag.
Anele @ Success Along the Weigh recently posted..Back to Basics: Savor the Flavor
The pictures of you and the family are fantastic. I am so glad you had them taken. My mother always shy away from having her picture taken, now with her gone, well I have very few of her, I wish I had more. Take your pictures of great times together, it supplements the good memories. Thank you for sharing.
Many hugs,
annamarie recently posted..Day 266 So appreciative
I am so sorry that anyone ever said those things to you. All moms deserve to be in the picture. Those pictures are gorgeous and you are stunning. You look like you could be their sister. Good for you!
Samantha @ 24 to 30 recently posted..Sunday Night Food Prep
I love all the photos. They are so great, right down to the denim/black color scheme. the last one of you is beautiful. All of us are different shapes and sizes. For instance, I am pretty flat chested. Luckily for me, my husband is a butt man instead. Haha While you may not be happy with your butt/thighs, I would give anything for your middle section. I have this funky, crazy, stomach that sticks out nastily whether I’m standing or sitting. And because I’m flat chested, I always notice that it sticks out farther than my boobs which is humiliating to me. I want to be one of those women with the nice chest, yanoo? Lol If only I had bigger boobs I would look so fat in my stomach is what I’ve always thought. Like boobs would make the fat stomach okay. How distorted is my thinking?
Cherish that picture. You body has changed in 17 months and it will further change in the next 17.
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Beautiful! And your kids are so right, THAT is my favorite picture (of the ones you posted) also! I love that you are together holding hands! THAT is something that he could never take away from you…the love that the 5 of you share together!!!
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You are beautiful beautiful, beautiful…..and so are your kids. I got very teary when you wrote that those thoughts were never yours. NO THEY WEREN’T. They are lies, all of them. I am so thankful for you that you see the truth shine brighter every day….and that your picture is front and center now, right where it belongs. Whoo-hoooooo!
I’m so proud of you for getting that family portrait! I bet your kids were a lot happier to have you on the other side of the camera with them.
Courtney recently posted..Around Here
Loved all of the pictures! you all look great! You look gorgeous! Thanks for posting the pics- they are excellent!
What a wonderful story!Congrats on your weight loss! I love the family picture: )
Very nice photos–good job for making that appt.
I encourage you to totally decline the photos foisted upon
I’m so
you of your ex & his wife. It is very odd thinking; I could go
on but won’t. I know you continue to heal, & get stronger
all the time. Say no thanks, you have pics of the kids. And if
you have ANY old ones, return them! Of course you can also
throw them out, but I thought it might show your strength
to hand them back. Maybe you never took any.
sorry for past treatment (& present?). So glad you are getting
stronger by the minute. So strong that you even help others!
Your family is beautiful. I love how the “team” you all are
comes through. Chrissy
I agree, that last picture was my favorite too. Such a beautiful family. I hope to see MANY more family pictures with all of you in them. These are the pictures your children will treasure when they grow up and have kids of their own. Regardless of how he saw it, this is how they see their family.
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Love it!!
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You look awesome !! I can see why your kids would love this one <3
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Great post! as always my friend. I had seen a few of these pictures and LOVED them. I had not seen the one of you all holding hands and I think that is so symbolic of your commitment to each other. IT is a keeper and a beautiful reminder of what you have together. I REALLY like the one with you in focus and your kids in the background. That is the “this is your time” photo. You must be in the pictures. You are the glue!!! thanks Holly for sharing these lovely photos of beautiful YOU and your children.
Tracy Stevenson @ My Tiny Tank recently posted..Top Ten Blogs That I Followed in 2012
Lovely pictures Holly and you girls are wearing your boots. Very stylish! I was married 11 years to my 1st husband also. They can fill your head with a lot of negative garbage. We have been divorced over 25 years now and he has passed… unfortunately I didn’t shed a tear on that one.
It is a great picture. It shows your curves!
I know I do the same thing to myself when it comes to pictures. I think everyone else looks fabulous and I don’t. I didn’t have the negative influences you did either.
My advice is to embrace those curves. Celebrate them.
Lori
Those are all beautiful pictures. I have been admiring them as you have posted some of them earlier, but I hadn’t seen that last one yet, and like your kids say, “It is the best one yet!”
I am always the photographer and never wanted any pictures of me before. I was horrified at how I looked. If I didn’t see the pictures maybe it wasn’t true, maybe I wasn’t really that big. And I was the same way with mirrors. One of my first purchases after losing weight was a full-length mirror to put at the end of the hallway so I can check myself out every morning after I’m dressed for the day. A mirror was the last thing I wanted before, especially a full-length one!
Today I still take most of the pictures, but more and more now, I hand the camera to someone else with instructions to take a picture of me with granddaughter or grandson, or maybe just one of me alone, in my new outfit. I only have a few pictures of me during the 30 years I was morbidly obese, and of course never a family picture. I have one picture of me and my TWO boys (before my 3rd son was even born in 1986), because for about 5 minutes in 1980, I had lost some weight and was presentable. Quickly (because I knew I was going to gain the weight back and yet felt powerless to stop eating), I arranged for a family photo at Sears, and that is the one family picture we had until my older boys got married in 2005 and 2006 and we took some family pictures at the weddings. I hated how I looked in them, but I was proud of my family. I have a huge picture of the family at my middle son’s wedding in 2006 hanging in my entryway. Of course I am huge. In fact a photographer for Women’s World magazine was at my house Sat., and when he saw that picture, he didn’t believe that was me.
It is time for a new family photo for me too. The photographer took a few picture of hubby and me Saturday. I plan to replace the old one of us as a couple from son’s wedding with a new one from the photo shoot. It’s hard to get the whole family together for a new picture, there’s 10 of us now, with daughters-in-law and grandchildren, but maybe if I can get my youngest son married, (right now he doesn’t have a girlfriend, so it might be a while–all the more incentive to keep the weight off), it will be a good opportunity for a new family picture. I have made a vow that I will be at a normal weight for at this last son’s wedding!!! And I plan to dance someday at my 3-year old granddaughter’s wedding. So I need to keep the weight off to accomplish that for sure!
Even though we deserve to be in family pictures, sometimes we ourselves don’t even recognize or want that. I know I preferred to be left out of all pictures, because I hated seeing what I had done to myself. Now I LOVE to have my picture taken–to see what I have done to myself! It’s too bad that being fat gives us such a negative self-image, but it’s a definite reality of obesity.
Oh….and YOU yourself look fabulous in all the pictures. Your kids are gorgeous too, just like their beautiful MOM!
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I have to say…the last picture is my favorite as well! I understand why your kids love that one! I am so proud of you and thank you for being such an inspiration to so many!!!!! You CAN and WILL do this!
You’ve made me cry!! What a great post, and great pictures!! You ARE worthy of being on that mantle!! I just love that family photo of all of you, what a great picture. Thank you for sharing it, and thank you for this post, I know exactly what you are saying about not being in any pictures, and now I’m going to go home and take some with my family AND ME!! THANK YOU, HOLLY!!!
Thank you for posting the photos! You look wonderful, despite what you may think
Daphne @ Daphne Alive recently posted..Wedding dress shopping in Calgary
Beautiful photo Holly. I hope when you said centre of the mantelpiece you meant get a big giant enlarged version and hung it on the wall above your mantelpiece.
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Holly you look fantastic! You have curves that others would die for girl! And an itty bitty waist. The pictures are fantastic. Thanks so much for sharing them with us.
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Beautiful family…ALL of you!
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Beautiful family. I am so happy for you, you haven’t just shed weight, you’re dumping that heavy emotional trash that you’ve been lugging around. So, so proud of you.
LOVE the pics!!! And you are absolutely beautiful!
This is my first time posting but I have read your blog often with interest. Your story is inspiring and fascinating. Your husband sounds like many men I have known, and that is not a compliment! Let me second everyone who says you look terrific! I understand how you feel about the photo because we all secretly think we have to be stick-thin like a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit model to be considered beautiful. But you look young and healthy and curvaceous and full of life. Most of all you look happy! I am impressed with the tone of your blog as always optimistic and looking ahead to good things, so please be proud of yourself. All of us who are mothers and obese have fought the battle of always being “out of the picture” and I’m glad you and your beautiful children have this great portrait together. I’m sure it means the world to all of you and you will be so glad you have it in years to come. Thanks for a wonderful blog!
I love the pictures!!! And, I really appreciate how transparent you always are, the honesty is cleansing. I can totally relate to years of making sure I am the one TAKING the pictures, not IN them. Maybe someday that will change too.
Keep up the great work!
You are beautiful and so is that picture.
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This is great. I’m never in any pictures because I’m the only one who takes them!
I do make a point of having our family pictures taken every few years even though I would prefer to be thinner I them.
Growing up, we never had our family picture taken because every adult would always say “next year when we’ve lost weight”. Well, now we don’t have any from that era and I think it’s kind of sad.
What a wonderful family portrait!! You look amazing
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Okay, seriously, Holly? Darn you…for making me cry every.single.post! How in the world do you do it? You should totally write cards for hallmark or something.
Yes, I have major issues w/ me and pictures. A part of me wants to be in them because I want proof that I was there too. Just like you say, I’m the one who’s here with them ALL the time, playing, feeding, changing, reading, teaching, etc…but the only pics are of other people doing those things. Partly because of my weight and partly just because hubby doesn’t think to pic up the camera and take pics. And I can’t ask him to because a moment’s hesitation makes ME start berating myself with all those thoughts…
I don’t deserve to be in the pictures.
If he were married to a skinny wife, I bet he’d want pics of her.
He’s never said those things, and more than likely he still wouldn’t care about pics that much but I can’t get those voices out of my head.
PS-I cannot believe the GALL of your ex to tell you to put a pic of him and his new wife on your mantel! That is appalling!
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What a sad story… with a happy ‘ending!’ And, I love the photo of your family. What a gorgeous family!
I cried as I read your story because it reminds me of a loved one who has not lost the weight… who feels they ruin pictures… who feels their size defines who they are and that they aren’t worth as much. Oh, how it breaks my heart!
Thanks for sharing your story and being such an inspiration!
Three things:
1.) you made me cry
2.) those beautiful hips bore your beautiful children….
3.) if an insensitive person suggested I place their photo in a place of honour on my mantel, it would end up in my fireplace…
Congrats on your continued success and I love reading about you blossom into an entire woman xo
Absolutely Beautiful picture of you with your beautiful family. You should be proud!
You look beautiful!
I have not visited your blog for a while, my goodness, you are looking STUNNING! Well done you are such an inspiration! I started jogging last year and have kept it up consistently, I often think about all you have achieved when I am feeling lazy and that gets me going again.
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Your posts always make me cry because I recognize myself in them. Your story could be my story, even down to being a military wife. The only difference is we never had any children, but the concept about the pictures still applies.
Those are great family portraits.
Both your pictures before and after are beautiful. I just wish you had a before family portrait because this is “your” family and “you” are part of it whatever shape, weight or size you are. /Making healthier choices is the ideal of course. And strong and committed you were. Congratulations to you and your children. Either way I’m sure you were a great mom that counts more than the weighing scale!
That final picture is so beautiful! You are beautiful, Holly, inside AND out!
Beautiful family, beautiful pictures, beautiful post! Holly you are such an amazing person, mother, sister and friend. You must start writing a book on your life story, just think how many people you could inspire, please be considering this.
So very very proud of you! I have to consciously choose to be in photos with the family because I want to be remembered but it is SO very hard. I think they are beautiful photos.
Beautiful family, beautiful photos and beautiful you!
Wow!!!
I just came across your FB page which then directed me to your blog!!
YOU are amazing!!! I have tears in my eyes as I write this! I cannot believe the strength & courage one person can hold! Your family photos are simply stunning and you should be super happy with them!!! You look fantastic!!
Kate xx
Please don’t ever stop doing what you are doing!
What a powerful post. I am never in pictures, not because anyone tells me not to be but because I’m afraid of what the picture will look like. I hate seeing pictures of myself. I secretly want a family picture so bad but haven’t had them done because I hate looking at myself. You look absolutely stunning! And those pictures are beautiful.
Hilary recently posted..New blog and back on track
Oh my goodness…you have me in tears…what a fantastic role model for your children!!! you look fantastic,don’t let anyone tell you any different!!!!
Love your family photo and your story. You are so right about everyone being important and getting into photos with your family!
Holly,
Thank you for sharing this…
Your story is the mirror image of mine – except I am a guy, and have six kids that I have raised.
And reading this brought back so many memories… Thank you for letting me remember why I continue doing what I am doing.
God bless,
John
Holly, you are beautiful! I love the pictures, all of them. Seriously, you have one gorgeous family.
Once again I have something in common with you. I do not like pictures of me. Because I was close to 300 lbs when I was married, I didn’t hire a professional photographer. There is only one professional (semi) picture of me and my husband of 14 years and that is from our honeymoon cruise. My sister sends my family and friends pictures of her and her family every year and my parents always have new pictures of them on their walls. My mom only has that one honeymoon picture of us. Maybe one day we will feel confident and sit for another picture.
You’re such an amazing beautiful woman and mother. Enjoy all the new things you can do now that you have missed out on for years. I will do the same one day.
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Hello, I recently found your blog through another one.
The picture is great! I’m sure you notice this, but, look at you – you have shape! You “go inward” at the waist!! I remember first seeing that in myself after losing weight! Even after 5 years at my goal weight I still stare at my waist shape!
Keep up the good work!
that is a beautiful photograph
That last picture is GORGEOUS!! And whoever put those thoughts into your head is probably kicking himself right now because all I see are SEXY CURVES!!!!!!! Love it! Embrace them! <3