Broken Glass

January 25, 2013 in Uncategorized

http://www.dreamstime.com/-image15292844

 

Sometimes in life

We experience loss

Sometimes it’s expected

Many times it’s not

 

I woke up one day

To a husband

Who no longer wanted me

As simple as that

Just a sudden right turn

And he was gone

 

I woke up one day

To a voicemail

On my phone

From my brother

He said it was important

And I should call him right away

 

The rest is a blur

But it was Mom

She was on life support

And soon after that

She was gone

 

I have a hard time

Writing those words

Because when it happened

I thought the world

Would just stop spinning

I thought it

SHOULD

Stop spinning

 

Some things happen to us

And they are just so devastating

That we simply can’t find a way

To keep going

Our mind can’t seem to grasp

That we could survive it

And we become paralyzed

We just shut down

 

I’ve heard people say

“Just get over it”

“Snap out of it”

“Deal with it”

 

And that might work

For some things

But many things

Can’t just be simply

Forgotten

 

These are things

That cut to the core

The very core of who you are

The very core of our sanity

And somehow

You have to find a way

To go on

 

This is what helped me

And I hope

It will help you

 

I had to realize

That I was broken

My life was nothing more

Than shattered glass

And I was walking barefoot

Every day

Over tiny shards of pain

With no reprieve

 

I had to accept

That I could not

Un-do it

I could not

Rewind

 

My marriage WAS over

And nothing I said

And nothing I did

Would change it

 

My mother WAS gone

And I could cry

And plead

And beg

But it was over

There was no going back

 

You don’t get over that

You don’t just deal with it

And go back to your previous state

These things change you

They just do

 

God taught me this

When we’re shattered

When we’re broken

We aren’t supposed to go back

We aren’t supposed to rewind

We aren’t supposed to pretend

That everything is ok

 

We have to accept

That our life

Is a mess of broken glass

Shards of pain

Splintered and cracked

Wounded beyond repair

 

But did you know

That God specializes

In brokenness?

 

  ”The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

 

You have to accept

That things happened

The way they did

I desperately felt the need

To fix it

To make it ok again

But I had to accept

That some things

Cannot be fixed

 

I had to accept

That  I was going to be a single Mom

Like it or not

And that I would raise these children

Alone

 

I could not fix it

I had no control

NONE

Something was happening to me

And there was nothing I could do about it

NOTHING

How do you deal with that?

When your life is shattered?

How do you get over it?

 

When your mom is gone

And you still had one conversation left

You didn’t say what you wanted to say

You procrastinated mailing the Christmas present

And it made it to her house

24 hours too late

 

When you can’t go see your own mother

Laying in a hospital bed

Dying

Because you are too big to fit on a plane?

 

How do you function

Every day

Knowing

That THAT happened

It happened

And there is nothing you can ever do

To make it right

 

I always needed to fix things

I could never accept

That something was not going as it should

I was always so sure

That if I could try hard enough

I could make it right

 

If I could get the house cleaner

The dinners tastier

If I could somehow be better

More interesting

More attentive

That maybe then

I could get him to stay

 

I kept thinking

If I just pray hard enough

If I can just think long enough

I can find some way

To go back in time

And get my mother back

 

But what I feared the most

Was just sitting down

Stopping

And accepting

That there was nothing I could do

 

Because if I were to acknowledge that

Then I would have to accept

It was over

And then I’d have to live with it

And living with it

Was more than I could bear

 

But here’s the thing

You get tired

You become drained

Spending all your time

Crawling around in broken glass

Trying to tape it back together

 

We were never promised

A life without problems

A life without shattered dreams

And broken glass

 

Jesus Himself said

“In this world you will have trouble but take heart I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)

 

And that’s where

Hope lies

For me

In knowing that

Jesus has overcome the world

 

It does not mean

We won’t have pain

Because we will

But if we can  find our way

To the Eye of the Storm

To that calm within

Then we can have peace

Even as our world is coming unhinged

 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

(Matthew 11:28)

 

And isn’t that what we need?

REST


When our mind is racing

Our thoughts grasping at air

Trying to make sense

Of some crazy mixed up circumstance

That we can never make right

 

I do not have great strength

I do not have great courage

All I have

Is the calling card

Of the One

Who comes to me

In my most desperate hours of need

 

And no matter where you are

No matter how dark

Or dismal

Or dirty that place is

No matter what  shattered mess

Surrounds you

He will come if you call

 

Even if He has to crawl through

Every piece of  broken glass

To get there

Not caring if it cuts him

And makes Him bleed

 

Because that’s what He came for

To get down in the trenches with you

To crawl through the battle

Whatever it takes

Broken and bloody

He won’t relent

Until you are free

 

He’ll  sit with you right there

In the midst of your brokenness

Like a good friend

Who listens to every last word

You have to say

 

He’ll Let you cry

And grieve

And vent

Until you’re drained

And then he’ll draw you to

His warm embrace

Soaking up every ounce of your pain

Into his own body

Not letting you go

Until he’s got every last drop

Of your tear filled heart

Wrapped up inside His

 

And then when you’re ready

To rise up

From the shattered glass

And splintered memories

He’ll give you His Hand

And lead the Way

 

That’s when you’ll see

That there is so much more

Than looking back

There is also

Looking beyond the tragedies of life

Looking to the future

YOUR FUTURE

 

The one He has planned for you

Where heaven breaks through

And hope shines once again

 

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Chris January 25, 2013 at 6:53 am

I do wonder what your ex thinks now…I missed my grammas funeral because I didn’t have the money to go. I think about that. Some things you can’t get back and you have to move through it.
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Kristen aka Misc Mom January 25, 2013 at 8:36 am

I really needed this today. Thank you thank you!
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annamarie January 25, 2013 at 1:10 pm

You are so right Holly, he is always there for us.
I thanked him every day for everything he has given me.
My strength always lies with him.

Beautiful post

May the lord always bless you and your family.

Many hugs
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Lee Ann January 25, 2013 at 1:23 pm

Always inspirational Holly!
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Dee January 25, 2013 at 3:52 pm

ALL PRAISES TO GOD!! For HE is totally in control! Congratulations on your awesome success! It is truly an journey and a so treasured one! Stay blessed and know that you have made a difference in so many lives! So with joyful tears in my eyes, I am so proud of you and look forward to my first 100 pounds as well. Almost there! Love to you and your beautiful family!!!!

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Amanda January 25, 2013 at 4:12 pm

Beautiful!

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Amy January 25, 2013 at 4:57 pm

This was such an amazing post! I needed this just as much as you needed to write it.. Thank you for the amazing words.. God Bless Holly.

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Tess January 25, 2013 at 5:22 pm

Lovely, as usual. 🙂

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Jeanette January 25, 2013 at 7:59 pm

As some of the others have said I too needed this today. Sometimes its as if you can read my thoughts. I needed to remember to look to the Lord in the time of a battle and know He will make a way. Thank you Holly.

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Jacqueline Morris January 25, 2013 at 9:21 pm

Hi! I just wanted to thank you for this post. I admire your strength. I,too, have gone through some tough circumstances in my life. I was recently laid off and wondering what to do with myself. I truely believe God wants me to turn to him. It is so easy to get stuck in life when things happen to us. It is so amazing to know that God can bring us through and has great things in store for us if we just come to him.
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Susan LaPooh January 25, 2013 at 10:57 pm

Beautiful, inspiring and so moving!

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Linda Kuil January 26, 2013 at 12:10 am

The quicker we can accept the “new normal” the better off we are. Beating ourselves up over things we can not change WILL NOT CHANGE ANYTHING, but moving forward and doing better now that we know better (thank you Oprah) will help us live a meaningful life.
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Pam January 26, 2013 at 1:38 am

Losing my mom was one of the most difficult things I ever went through. Her death was sudden, like your mom’s. I did get across town to the hospital in the middle of the night, but it was too late. I never got to have that last conversation with her either. Her last Mother’s Day, I didn’t spend with her, because I was busy getting my house fixed up for my oldest son’s high school graduation. These are regrets that I can never fix. Her loss was so raw for so long. It still hurts, but after almost 23 years, it’s not quite as painful as it once was.

I can’t identify with the pain you must have felt when your husband walked out on you, but the thought of that happening is, I’m afraid, more than I could have borne. Perhaps with God’s help I would have made it through such a truly devastating loss as you did, but thank goodness or thank GOD, I never had to find out.

You have certainly been tested. And look where you are now! Wow Holly you’ve come far….but never alone. You are wise to realize you needed help and you got it.
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gradualwisd0m January 26, 2013 at 2:40 am

This was an incredible post. So beautifully written, expressive and thought provoking. I often have to remind myself that I’m not alone in my pain, frustration, loneliness, or fear. This post left me feeling like my faith has been renewed or had a boost. Thank you for your beautiful writing,

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Margene January 26, 2013 at 6:11 pm

I love this post. Only one who has been through a situation similar as yours can speak with such wisdom and true feeling. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I do relate to losing your mom, though. I lost mine over 20 years ago. There is a pain that is very exquisite… very much like walking on broken glass. But I too, love that I can turn to my Savior, Jesus Christ and HE has crawled over all that glass and wallowed the trenches with me. He makes all the difference in my life and WHY I can overcome! I’ve recently also been attacked as you have been – in my character and integrity by someone I trusted and be-friended. It is painful, yet it helps me realize how much I don’t EVER want to be the judging kind of person. I want to be a person who has empathy for what others go through. Ultimately, isn’t it about becoming a better person? Changing our ways to a higher level… a level of having more love in our hearts. I appreciate your sweet words and powerful experiences and example. Thank you Holly. I love your tag line: Never Lose Hope. 🙂

~Margene
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Lyn January 27, 2013 at 6:14 am

This really spoke to me tonight too. I have a lot of broken glass. Thank you for speaking your heart.
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Tracy Stevenson @ My Tiny Tank.net January 27, 2013 at 4:37 pm

Holly, thanks for sharing your thoughts on such personal moments. It does help others. I was estranged from my father when he passed away. I had always been very close to my Dad. But in the last few years of his life he alienated himself. It took me a long time to realize he did this for his own purposes. He did not want others to see him in the end. I am still so sad about this. I was not able to get to him in the end. I did speak with him but I don’t think he had a chance to share what he wanted to due to his condition. Almost everyday I pray to God and also speak to my Dad letting him know that I LOVED LOVE him desperately still today. I told him that in the end but I’m not sure he allowed himself to know that truth.
Your posts always give me strength and your references to scripture really helps me. thank you. You are one of my GO TO bloggers in my weight loss surgery journey. I am still on a journey. it will last a lifetime. glad we found each other. you may have inspired me to talk about my Dad’s death it is a significant story in my life. hmmm lets see
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Julie January 27, 2013 at 10:20 pm

Yesterday marked 14 years since my Daddy died. That means it’s also been 14 years since I started dieting. I’ve been overweight my entire adult life, but it wasn’t until I lost my Daddy that I decided to do something about it. Unfortunately, my efforts were all short lived.

This time, I’m doing it right. This time, I’m not stopping. I know I can’t do it my strength alone. Thanks for the reminder about where my strength comes from.
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Marcia Bauer January 28, 2013 at 5:29 am

What a beautiful post and what a ministry you have! God is using you in ways I am sure you had not expected at all and He is using you in a mighty way to spread the news that He is the answer. I am so proud of you and feel so inspired by you. God bless you for sharing with so many your journey to lose weight but, most important, the gospel of Christ.

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