I never go very long
Without discussing chairs
Do I?
I don’t think that will ever change!
Chairs and I have had such a tumultuous relationship
For so long
That it’s hard to believe
We are just now starting to trust each other
And maybe even
Become friends
This past week
The children and I went to a restaurant
After church
That we had never been to before
You see, one of the AMAZING things
About losing weight
Is being able to venture out into unknown places
Somewhere that hasn’t been ‘scoped out’ in advance
You can just walk into a restaurant
And know you will fit
No need to call ahead and ask
For the layout of the land
Like a soldier would do
Going into enemy territory
You never know how crowded it might be
What kinds of chairs they will provide
Will there be a booth?
Will the chair be sturdy?
You get to a point
Where you no longer have to worry about that
Too very much
Because you start to realize
You fit
But when I walked up to this chair
I cringed
It had some kind of weaving
For the seat
WEAVING
Definitely not ok
NOT OK !!!
When I saw it
I stopped in my tracks
And I felt my heart sink
I creeped up to it
And I began to press on it
To see how sturdy it felt
The waitress staring at me
With a blank look on her face
The kids all gave me smiles
And nodded
As if to say
“It’s ok Mama…the chair can hold you”
They instinctively know what I’m thinking
They’ve grown up this way
With a Mom who can’t fit
Most anywhere
So I sat down
Not comfortably at first
But carefully
Waiting to see if it would buckle and break
BUT IT NEVER DID!!
It’s amazing to know
That I can fit in a chair
And it will support my weight
That I won’t break it
And end up on the floor
Because that’s not a fear
Gone unrealized
That’s a fear
That’s become reality
My living room table
Came with 6 chairs
I broke 4 of them
Finally we ordered benches
And just gave up on chairs
I hated going to anyone’s house
When invited
Because I never knew the seating situation
And I’m not one
Who can just easily squeeze into
Any chair
Many years ago I was invited so many times
To a friends home
That it got to the point
Where they were taking it personally
That I never accepted the invitation
So I put aside my fears
And went
They had two types of chairs
And I had to ask them
If I could sit in the more sturdy one
That was embarrassing
Many people
Who have never been obese
Just don’t think about those things
It’s not their fault
They just don’t have that frame of reference
But they quickly got me
The sturdier chair
And then I very promptly
Broke it
I was careful as always
Trying to slowly ease onto it
To test it out
But when I finally sat down
It crumbled beneath me
Like a cracker
And there I was
Laying on the floor
Flat on my back
In shock
They immediately came to my aid
Making excuses for why the chair had broken
But we all knew
It was me
It’s paralyzing to never know
If you can even sit down
Because you can’t risk
Ending up on the floor
Once again
I cannot count the number of times
Over the years
I had to stand
Because there was no seat available
Without arms
No seat that I could fit in
Or no seat strong and sturdy enough
For me to risk it
And how many times
Have I had to come up with an excuse
For why I was standing?
I would have a receptionist
Or someone sitting in one of the chairs say
“Why don’t you sit down?”
OR
“Here is a free seat”
Maybe it doesn’t occur to them
THAT I WOULD BREAK IT!
Or that I just don’t fit!
But not wanting to say that out loud
I would reply
“Oh I like to stand”
Yeah right….
If there was ever a time in your life
When you needed to sit down
It’s at 417 pounds
And yet that is the time
You just can’t roll the dice
So you smile and pretend
That you like standing
Sure…no problem….
I love excruciating pain
Doesn’t everyone??
How many times can you fall?
How many times can you break a chair?
How many times can you tolerate the humiliation?
Before you just stop leaving the house
Before you just stop accepting invitations
Before you give up
Retreat
And just lock the doors
Obesity breeds isolation
Because on top of the health issues you have
There is the fear
The anxiety
The growing realization
That you just don’t fit anywhere anymore
So why try
Last month we went to Hobby Lobby
And there was this pole in the aisle
A small space to walk in between
The pole and the shelf
And just for fun
CJ asked me to try it
“I bet you can fit Mama”
And I did!
I simply never get tired
Of finding new places I fit!!
Just knowing that I can go somewhere
And not worry in advance
That I will break the chair
Or get stuck in a tight space
Has added a calm to my life
That I have not experienced in years
You know sometimes when I am walking
Down the street
I feel the abscence of my weight
It’s hard to explain
But it’s like a part of my body is missing
Because for so long it was there
And now it’s gone
The sides of me are shrinking
And sometimes
It feels weird!
I can’t explain it
But it’s just as if some parts of my body
Have disappeared
And I guess quite literally
They have
But I still can sense it
I can feel the abscence of it
And it’s strange
To feel so free
It’s been SO long since I was this weight
That I can’t even remember ever feeling this way
I know I lived a significant portion of my life
Not super obese
But it’s been so long
It doesn’t even feel familiar to me at all
I remember when I hit 200 Pounds
For the first time on the scale
Savannah was one year old
And in February
She turns 17
It’s been 16 years since I weighed
Under 200 pounds
And today
I was 209
I can’t believe it’s going to happen
But more than that
I can’t believe a plan so simple
Could be responsible
For so much joy
Starting small works
Adding a little bit every day works
Plodding along like the tortoise works
It just requires patience
And consistency
That is what I will bring into the New Year
That reminder
That what we do every day counts
No matter how small
If we just keep chipping away
If we just don’t give up
Then one day
We’ll find ourselves
Fitting wherever we choose to go
No more fear
No more pain
FREE
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Yep, it’s all about wanting to fit in and not stick out like a sore thumb. It’s hard, still thinking that everyone is staring at you when you walk in the room, wondering if you’re the heaviest, comparing yourself to every other person there. We all just want to be “normal.” So, how was the food? (Of course I went there!)
Linda Kuil recently posted..551!!
I would hate it when there was an overcrowded restaurant and I would have to weave between already seated patrons to get to a booth (where I was never sure I’d be able to squeeze into)….I would always scope a place to see what my easiest least invasive exit would be….Good post, I so get it! And congrats again on the weight loss…it’s amazing.
tz recently posted..Wednesday Weigh In
I have my own “chair” thing…it is sizes of clothes. The other I got an email at work asking my size for a free Nike jacket with our school logo. I went all kinds of crazy not knowing what to ask for–and being SO excited to get one as very few people do. I said Large, hoping HOPING that it would fit. When it came I realized I should have ordered at least a medium…maybe a small. Who AM I?
Adelyn recently posted..Then and Now
I always love hearing about your chair success stories! Woo hoo! Love it! The pic of you at the store is really cute too. Another awesome blog!
You fit everywhere you want to fit!
Lori
Wow. What a great story. You look great. I hope to follow your example.
I know about chairs. Once, as a soccer coach, I flattened a chair in front of the whole team. It was quite a laugh—I wished I would have taken action then, but I am now.
Thanks for your story. I got about 125lbs to lose.
Chris recently posted..13 Reasons to Lose Weight + Get Healthy in 2013
Oh the places you will go! Hubby has had all these exact same experiences. Some restaurants were banned altogether because of the seating situation. Now we ONLY sit in booths just because we can. And you’re right…thin people don’t get it…they’ll never get it because I know I didn’t before I started dating Hubby. So close to under 200…amazing!
MandaPanda recently posted..Happy New Year – Part 1
Oh, how well I know that fear! The embarrassment of making everyone wait longer at the restaurants because I need a table, not a booth. Not now! I’ve lost enough weight where I can fit into booths again! Good for us!
Margaret recently posted..…And I’m Feeling Good!
You weigh less than me now, girl. Any time you see a chair, just think “Hey, Staci wouldn’t break it so neither would I!” Lol
Staci recently posted..When Your Heart Isn’t In It
You are closing in on 200 pounds and then onederland…won’t be long now!
Christine recently posted..Angel vs. Devil
Wa-hoo!
Just Keep Chipping Away – how right you are, my friend!
Kelly @ Curvy Fit Girl recently posted..Begin Anew.
Congratulations! You are such an inspiration. I know the chair woes all too well. I can’t wait for the day when I stop fearing plastic resin chairs!
I love your “Chair” posts! I can identify with the issue so much.
I have the same feeling about airplane seating and seatbelts. The best feeling ever was the day that I was small enough to use the seatbelt without an extender, and then had to *cinch* it down. OMG! I wanted to cheer out loud, but the other passengers would have thought I was a crazy lady!
WOW! Thanks for sharing this. This is EXACTLY what I go through EVERY SINGLE DAY. I pray every single day that anything I sit on throughout the day holds me up (sad way to live). Reading your post was like I was listening to someone read my mind, crazy. I’m starting my weight loss journey this year but have to complete a 6 month supervised diet plan per my insurance requirements. I hope I’m able to help those who struggle with obesity and can be an inspiration like you. Thanks for all you do, I hope you truly understand how inspirational you are for many of us.
Hello Dear,
I found your website via Not Jared from Facebook and “liked” you yesterday. Your chair experience reminds me again that I am not alone in this isolation. Your posting is just what the doctor ordered. None of my friends or family are as heavy as I am (405lb) so they don’t understand. I have a current job that has tremendous potential for me to branch off in a whole new direction and yet I am paralyzed with fear because they want me to travel the world. Heck I won’t even go downstairs to get lunch at the cafe because my knees hurt so much under all of this weight. I love your comments about being FREE. That is what I want so back to Weight Watchers I go and strive to be FREE. Thank you so much for this website.
Saw your You Tube video and came over to your site – just wanted to say that you’re AWESOME times a million, congrats on your amazing progress, and keep up the excellent work!
Once again, you amaze and inspire me! Thanks, Holly! And keep it up!!
Whenever I put my hands on my hips or waist I still gt surprised by how small I feel!
I remember one of my relatives had outdoor furniture that was completely made of wicker! Not only did it look like it was going to break, it was always too low to the ground! It was impossible to get out of once you got into it! I also remember plastic and metal folding chairs to be scary too, especially when you could tell that they where cheap quality.
Daphne @DaphneAlive recently posted..Rough start to the new year
This made me cry. I am so happy for you!
“I simply never get tired Of finding new places I fit!!”
That made me giggle out loud.
Yazmin @ A Pretty Rock recently posted..New Year, New Look
Oh man oh man can I relate to this!!!!
I am beginning t love it as well! =)
Trish @I_am_Succeeding recently posted..Welcome 2013!
You have an amazingly beautiful smile!!! Every time you post a picture, thats the very first thing I notice!!
Debby H recently posted..New Years Day
I so hear you with the chairs. I hate booths and I had chairs with arms and I once broke my work chair while people watched me fall to the ground. It was the most embarrasing time of my life. THANKS for this post. Thanks for posting as well because it is so great to know others feel the same.
So happy for you… how exciting to almost be in Onederland! That is going to be a good blog day I bet. Hugs to you and your very sweet kids. Happy New Year.
Oh Holly–I just love your blog. I look forward to your new posts so much! Everything you talk about just speaks to me and the journey I’ve been on, even though I’m YEARS older than you and our situations are a little different. Being morbidly obese is a club we both belonged to for way too many years and finding our way out of the obesity has opened us up to so many wonders of a normal, average-sized world! Chairs were my nemesis too. It’s embarrassing to point out your need for a sturdy WIDE chair, but it’s even more embarrassing to sit down and BREAK a chair! Oh the humility! But at my weight I needed to sit. I couldn’t stand for any length of time, and was always looking for a place to sit down. I would be walking down the hall at work and one of my co-workers would want to talk to me. I couldn’t do it. Thank goodness, it was an old building and had very sturdy built in wooden benches lining much of the hallway, those benches always came to my rescue. But I wasn’t always so lucky, sometimes there was no place to sit down and rest my weary, over-taxed knees and hip joints, when someone wanted to chat, so I would just have to walk away and find a safe chair somewhere where I could SIT.
That chair in that restaurant you encountered scared me for a long time too. Today when we go out to eat it is such a joy when they ask, “Table or booth?” and I answer, “It doesn’t matter!” Fitting between narrow aisles and getting through tight spots is also wonderful. And just walking anywhere, is just like you said, it’s as if a part of you is missing and it feels SO GOOD to be SO FREE!
Last night we went out to a local restaurant to celebrate my 62nd birthday. It’s hard for me to say that number, but then I remember it’s that magic Social Security age, so I guess I’m okay with it. The fact that I am so much healthier today than I was at 32 or 42 or 52 helps. At the restaurant, I felt such empathy for our waitress. I’m pretty good at guessing people’s weights, and our young pretty waitress must have been close to 400 lbs. I wonder how long she would be able to keep a job where she has to be on her feet all the time. I worry for her future, for her health, and yet I know there is nothing I can do to help her. I carry around the newspaper article that the local paper ran just before I was on the Today Show. I often think about whipping it out to show people like her, as inspiration, to show her it can be done–people can change. I want to tell her about you, about me, about Sparkpeople. But I know she has to come to that realization herself, there is nothing I can say or do to get her started. To confront her would just be humiliating.
My own 35-year-old son weighs in at 400 lbs. plus, and I know there is nothing I can do to motivate him to make a change in his lifestyle. it scares me. As my husband says, “We do not want to have to go to his funeral.” I can understand now more how my parents felt about my morbid obesity.
If only my son could experience the world I am getting to be a part of finally, as a normal-sized person. He would realize it is worth every bite of food he has to give up. It is worth a million dollars…MORE than a million dollars. I often say I have a weight loss that money couldn’t buy. No amount of money could have bought what I have regained by losing weight. I think with our blogs we are both inspiring others, now if only I could inspire my own son….
Pam recently posted..Thanks Spark Friends!!!
Hello Friend!
I just read this and cried, because i FELT LIKE IT WAS ME WRITING IT!
I totally understand “chairs” booths, cars, airplanes… all things I have never done before! Standing instead of sitting, scooping out the places you got to make sure you can get a table and not the dreaded scary “booth”. I just lost 150 pounds on my own and I went to an NBA game with friends and it was AMAZING!!!! Walking to the Arena and FITTING into the chair was such a amazing feeling!!! I get it… I too understand about the weight being a part of you, and almost missing it in a way. But being isolated and scared is NO WAY to live!! Now I wake up and LIVE my life to the fullest!! No more out of breath walking! I am traveling to Vegas at the end of the month to see a CONCERT something I have not done in 15 years!!!!! Life is good!! You are amazing!! Thank you for writing this!!!!!! xo
I hate chairs. Congratulations on winning the battle. Keep chipping!
Tammy recently posted..Happy New Year 2013
Your blog is so eye-opening for me. It is impossible to realize the pain and the struggle without having experienced it. You have given me so much sympathy for people in the situations you describe, just trying to have a normal life but encountering problems with every step. I have become a less judgmental person from reading your blog, so thank you for sharing your struggles.
The thing your blog does for me most is realize (once more) that we are not alone…’cause most of the time i feel alone. Nobody understands about chairs or booths or food.
I lost 60 pounds in 2012 and gained 20 back in December. I want it to stop, i want to be healthy i want to go on bike rides with my son…..
What i need to learn is to break the chains…..
Jacquie Roeten recently posted..BRING IT ON:)
I soooo understand your feelings about chairs! I believe my second post ever was about fitting in chairs and the embarrassment it brings.
As I read your post all that kept coming to my mind was Dr. Seuss…
“So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you’ll move mountains.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!
Wendie recently posted..There Were No Fireworks
After 112 lbs down in 7.5 months, I don’t get tired of the new fit either. I look at tight spots and wonder then I take the leap and fit. Chairs still scare me but I have learned to enjoy the fact that I can fit into booths. There are times I have a hard time keeping up, then others where I don’t feel different. It’s weird how our brain works with our bodily changes.
FYI- the wicker chair would have scared me to. I still find myself sitting gently and trying not to shift or move much. But it keeps me centered. Blessings Sista!