Not In Charge

December 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

I’m 4 pounds away

From a huge milestone

200 Pounds Lost!!

It took awhile to get here

But here I am

So close I can see the number on the scale

Just a few pounds away

 

Two weeks ago

I was close

And I was losing a pound a day it seemed

For several days in a row

I thought to myself

At this rate….I’ll be at 217 by the end of the week

Or Monday at the latest

THIS PAST MONDAY

 

Yet here I sit

On the same number I was at last week

But I had started making plans

The kids and I were going to have a celebration

And it was almost as if

I had already counted it as a win

I had already counted it

As accomplished

I wasn’t quite there yet

But in my head

It was  a done deal

 

Because I was in the zone

Following my food plan perfectly

Following my exercise plan perfectly

And therefore I expected

For it all to work out…

Perfectly??

And then

It didn’t

 

Because I got up one day

And I hadn’t lost another pound

Like I had all those previous days

But that’s no big deal

Because you don’t usually lose a pound every day, right?

I mean that IS out of the ordinary

So I was ok with it

It didn’t concern me

 

Until the next day

When I still didn’t lose a pound

Normally this wouldn’t bother me

Except I was ready

Ready to get to the 200 Pound marker

I was anticipating it

I had already planned the celebration

I had already circled the date

It was already DONE

 

But then suddenly

It WASN’T

Because the next day

The scale still did not move

3 days in a row….

NOTHING

 

But I kept on the plan

Kept working out

Stuck to my food plan

And then I got on the scale

And gained a pound

GAINED A POUND

 

Now I started to panic

Just a bit

But I know better

I know how it works

A pound can be anything

It can be water

It can be hormones

It doesn’t signal defeat

NO PROBLEM

But the next day…nothing

Ok now we have a problem

 

Let me interject

That normally

I’m not a slave to my scale

I don’t weigh every single day

Because THAT can cause problems

 

But when you’re 4 pounds away

From a major milestone

You’re looking

For THAT number

I didn’t want to miss it, you know?

 

And I was on such a roll there

That I was afraid I could

I thought I might wake up to find

I had lost

200 and ONE pounds

Or 200 and FIVE pounds

I mean anything could happen

At the rate I was going!

 

So that’s why

I was watching it daily

Because I was anticipating it so strongly

And I was ready to pop off some fireworks

When it happened!

 

Only now

It’s not going to happen

At least not when I planned

Because now I’ve been stagnant too long

I’ve been stalled out too many days

To make it to 217

By the date I had assured myself I would

I tried to tell myself it was ok

But the depression had set in a bit

 

What is going on??? I wondered…

Why am I doing everything right

And the scale doesn’t move??

And then it got worse

I woke up the next day

And I had gained two pounds

TWO POUNDS!

 

Why is this happening to me??

Why??????

That was it

Now it was over

My big plans to hit the 200 Pound mark

By Monday at the latest

GONE

 

I’ll admit

This started to mess with my head

It made me want to go eat a big pile of donuts

And then lay in the bed all day long

And not exercise

 

Because to this day

That is still what I want to do when I’m stressed out

Or upset

Or frustrated

Or angry

STILL

My gut instinct is to EAT

EVERYTHING

 

Because why not, you know??

I mean hey…

If I’m going to gain 1 pound

Or 2 pounds

I might as well enjoy it, right?

I might as well do something to deserve it at least

Right?

 

I’m not going to sit here

And eat only what is on my food plan

Track all my calories

Deny myself donuts

Work out every morning

For nothing

RIGHT??

 

Why should I sacrifice

And work so hard

Just to be told by the scale

That it doesn’t matter!

 

See how quickly they come?

The lies?

See how quickly they can return?

 

And now the anger sets in

The rebellion

The feelings of defeat

And lack of control

And all of that

Leads back to the food

 

I’ll admit

This almost threw me off course

It had great potential

To screw with my head

 

Because I was SO confident that I was going to get there

By Monday at the latest

That I had already planned it out in my mind

It was already a done deal

I was ready to cash the check

Before it had even been written

 

But instead of seeing a loss on the scales

I get up every day

And see the same number

Day after day after day

In spite of the fact

That I’m doing everything “right”

Eating what I’m supposed to be eating

Working out consistently

 

But there I am again

On the scale

SAME NUMBER

Like I’m trapped in that movie

“Groundhog Day”

Destined to relive the same day

Over and over again

The same number staring back at me

Morning after morning

 

So I’ve spent the past few days

Asking God ,”Why?”

Asking Him, “What do you want me to learn?”

Because I’ve finally realized

That there is something to be learned

About everything

And you often learn more from your struggles

Than you ever learn when it’s going your way

 

So this is what He taught me today

He taught me this

Counting calories

Working out

I can do it all

PERFECTLY

But in the end

It will all turn to ashes

And mean nothing

If I forget Who is really in charge of my victory

Who is really making it possible for me to overcome

 

Because I had tried everything

I did the diets

I did the workouts

I did it for years

FOR DECADES

But in the end

My heart belonged to the food

And I just couldn’t break free

 

Yes I had the surgery

And the surgery  is a tool I believe

Used by God

To help save me

 

But every day when I choose to work out

Instead of lay in the bed

That isn’t the surgery making that choice

It’s me

 

And when I choose to eat grilled chicken

Instead of a double stuffed oreo

That isn’t the surgery making that choice

It’s me

 

And why?

Because He gives me the strength  (Phillipians 4:13)

Because He gives me the power (Psalm 18:32-34)

Because He gives me the ability to overcome   (John 16:33)

 

When I fall

When I stumble

He picks me up (Psalm 71:20)

 

And it is in this struggle

In this battle

That I have learned to trust Him more

To lean on Him more

Because in the end

It really ISN’T ME making those choices

It’s Him working through me

 

For it is NEVER me that says yes to working out

It is NEVER me that says no to chocolate chip cookies

I mean let’s get real….

It was under MY leadership

It was when I was in charge

That I got myself to 417 pounds

And that would still be the case

Surgery or not

If His infinite mercy had not reached down from the heavens

And turned my life around

 

He opened the door for this surgery

He led me to the different tools that would help me

But in the end

Even that would never be enough

Without His life saving power lighting the way

 

So right now I sit just a few pounds away

From 200 Pounds Gone

And in my own confidence

I thought I had it in the bag

I counted it as DONE

 

But in His wisdom

He knew

I needed to remember the most important lesson of all

It is NOT me who is running the show

And it is not my food plan

Or my workout plan

That will take the glory for these accomplishments

 

Yes they are all tools

That are necessary and critical

For my  journey

But at the end of the day

If I was left to my own devices

I would sit in this recliner

And eat all day long

Straight to my death

 

THAT WAS ME

THAT WAS WHAT I COULD DO

WHEN I WAS IN CHARGE

 

But I have found

That it is in my weakness, that He can prove His strength   (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Because it takes overwhelming power

It takes supernatural power

To make me walk into a grocery store

And not buy cinnamon rolls and cupcakes and ice cream and donuts

 

Silly as it sounds

It takes an out of this world power

To make that happen

Not just once

But every day for 16 months

 

And when I stumble and fall

It takes the same power that raised Jesus Christ from the grave  (Romans 8:11)

To help me rise again

 

So I’m not to 200 Pounds lost yet

In spite of following my ‘perfect’ plan

In spite of eating all the right things

And working out

I’m still not there yet

And you know what?

I’m ok with that

 

Not because I’ve accepted that this is my weight forevermore

Not because I’m using this as an excuse to sink into stagnation

Because that can happen if you’re not careful

Which is why I log all my food

And I log all my exerise

That’s how I know I’m on track

That’s how I know I’m not lying to myself

Because remember

Sometimes I’m a liar

 

So once I have checked myself

And know I’m doing everything in my power

Everything I am supposed to do

Then there is nothing left

But to be patient

And then be reminded

Of the most important lesson of all

 

It isn’t me

It isn’t my food plan

It isn’t how hard I workout

It isn’t the surgery

 

Oh yes…He expects me to work all these tools

Not take a single one for granted

To do my part

And He uses each one

But He uses them

IN HIS PLAN

Not mine

 

And in the end

He is the one guiding my steps

He is the one showing me mercy and compassion

He is the one giving me strength

To make good decisions

To not give up hope

 

For a brief moment I forgot that

So I thank Him

For His gentle reminders

For His unfailing love

And abundant generosity

To this woman

Who 16 months ago

Could barely walk

And today

Lives in victory!

 

I’d like to say it’s me

I’d like to say I’ve done this

That I’m all the things

People often write to tell me that I am

Someone with great strength

Someone with great power

But I’m not

NOT ONE BIT

 

The woman I am

Is NOT amazing

She does not have great strength

She does not have great power

But it is HIM working through me (Galations 6:14)

That gives me the strength and power

To overcome

So that nothing I do

Whether it be logging my food

Or working out at Crossfit

Can ever be credited

For the 200 Pounds Lost

 

While it is useful

While it is even critical

That I do all those things

It has never been ME doing them  (Galations 2:20)

It is HIM

 

It is HIM giving me the strength to get out of this bed

To show up for a workout

To avoid the foods that trip me up

And before I hit that mark

The big 2-0-0

It’s fitting that I say

Once and for all

It was never me

It has never been me

 

If you want to know what I can do

In my strength

In my power

Then here it is

beforeholly

 

That’s what I can do

That’s what happens when I’m in charge

BUT

Using the tools God has given me

Working the surgery

Working the food plan

Working Crossfit

Or Planet Fitness

Or whatever exercise you choose

THOSE THINGS

Are all critical elements

Of the Master’s Plan

 

But at the end of the day

HE is the one

Who gives me the strength to carry it out

He is the one who has saved me

 

By my own hand

There was only death

But by His Hand

There is life

There is freedom

Isaiah 42:7

     You will free the captives from prison, releasing those who sit in dark dungeons.

And believe me

417 pounds

Was the darkest dungeon of my life

And when I finally see that number on the scale

That number that says

YOU’VE DONE IT!!

YOU’VE LOST 200 POUNDS!
I’ll know the truth

That every single pound

Has been due

To His Mercy and Compassion

 

But my job right now

Is to keep the faith

To stay patient in light of what the scale says

And to remember this

 

That He who starts a good work in you

WILL

WILL

WILL

Carry it to completion!!   (Phillipians 1:6)

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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

Staci December 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Wow, Holly – 4 lbs away. That is exciting stuff. I’m sorry you’re not 3 lbs away or 2 lbs away – BUT WHO CARES! You used to be 192 lbs away. Hellooooo. 🙂 So may I ask, when is the last time you saw the # 200 on the scale? This has to be unreal amazing for you. So excited!
Staci recently posted..Stress Wins but Not for GoodMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Thanks Staci! Honestly I can’t even remember the last time I saw 200 on the scale. Savannah was probably a baby! And she is now getting a drivers license! So..a really long time ago!

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Mike December 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Proud of you Holly for recognizing this moment in your journey for what it is and for not giving in to old patterns and habits. When you route, “If I’m going to gain 1 pound Or 2 pounds I might as well enjoy it, right? I might as well do something to deserve it at least, Right?” I could hear those same words echo in my head from times I have been in the same place. Your strength and faith to get through this is admirable!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way!!!

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Liza Glick December 7, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Congrats on your almost milestone! Don’t give up now, you’ve come too far – keep it up and you will get there – and further!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Thanks Liza!! I won’t give up, I promise!

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Kelliann December 7, 2012 at 2:53 pm

What an INCREDIBLE post. THANK YOU. HE is the one in charge, and it’s so hard to keep that in my head – being the control freak that I am!
I can’t WAIT to see that milestone with you! You deserve it and have WORKED HARD for it!
Kelliann recently posted..KILLED ITMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Thank you so much Kelliann!!

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jennxaz December 7, 2012 at 3:21 pm

4lbs away and even closer to onderland…this is major milestones coming your way…what an exciting time. I am happy for you and yes, I have to remind myself of my higher power because I tend to forget I am not in this struggle alone.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Thanks Jenn!!!

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Christine December 7, 2012 at 4:03 pm

You are the cusp of a major milestone, that is so awesome. Sometimes it is so hard to be patient, but you are doing everything right, you will get there. I was reminded of that saying while reading about your plans to celebrate on Monday, man plans, God Laughs. All in His time. 🙂

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:51 pm

This made me laugh! I have heard this phrase before. I think I will need to get a magnet of that and stick it on my fridge!! So true!

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Karin Canazzi December 7, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Woman do you live in my head?!
I was once down about 65 pounds and within the same number you are.
I got scared-I hadn’t lived as a woman under 200 pounds for so long. And
nobody cared (I thought)
and it was so hard to keep on that path
and so I gave up and started eating again.
I didn’t have anyone who understood what I was going through.
I didn’t have anyone to share my fears with.

You are an inspiration to me once again.
Your honesty
Your continued reliance on the true God
will play out in continued success.
Keep on doing your plan
you have so much to live for!
Your last posts have had me totally understanding
where your mind has been and I am cheering you on
from my desk chair here in the Northwest.
YOU ROCK!!
karin

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I have also had a bad u-turn like that once back in 2004 after losing a 104 pounds. I agree that we need people around us who understand the mental battle it takes to not just lose the weight but keep going and then to maintain once we ‘arrive’. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement Karin!!

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Tina December 7, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Man! I needed this today!!! Specifically in this moment. I had just finished my post. You, and our God, are incredible!
Tina recently posted..No good, awful weigh inMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Thanks Tina! Off to read your post now!

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Courtney December 7, 2012 at 6:39 pm

An excellent post for me as I sat here with visions of apple fritters dancing in my head! Thanks for pushing those pastries out of my mind and reminding me of what I want most. 🙂 I’ll be looking forward to the big 200 celebration when it comes!
Courtney recently posted..The Cookie Doesn’t LieMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Hey they dance in my head too!!! We really need to gang up on those apple fritters and give them the boot!!!

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Trish @I_am_Succeeding December 7, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I am sooo proud of you! You truly are an amazing person. Look at all you have done, not just outside but I think more importantly…inside!
XO
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Thanks Trish! I am so excited for YOU too! You are doing so awesome and inspire me daily!

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Caron December 7, 2012 at 8:26 pm

I worked with a lady at a bank many years ago. She had lost 100 pounds and had a few to go. She told me that she had a six month period when she did not lose anything at all but she kept plugging along and, eventually, her body began to let go of more pounds. I think ever so often our bodies just need to make an adjustment. Hang in there. 🙂
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 8:48 pm

I think you’re right Caron! Our bodies often need time to adjust. Thanks so much!

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Janis December 7, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Lurker here — hon, don’t ever let yourself think you can eat well and engage in fitness activities all to achieve a one-time you-hit-it-then-you’re-done goal. You’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life; thinking you get to do it all to hit a one-time goal only leads to one conclusion:

“After I hit that goal, I get to stop.”

No, you don’t. Ever. This is the rest of your life. The scale will reflect what you’re doing, but it can’t be the reason you’re doing it, or else you’re just regarding it as a temporary thing. This is the rest of your life. What’s one or two weeks in the large scope of things when you’re talking decades?

200 down will come when it comes. Eating well and being fit are forever.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 7, 2012 at 10:51 pm

All great points Janis! Thanks for commenting!

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Janis December 8, 2012 at 12:41 am

You do seem to have this thing by the horns but with any big life shift, there’s always that little voice in your head that will rear up at predictable times. It’s a good idea to know when it’s likely to rear up so you’ll have a convenient mallet in hand to bash it in the head and shut it up. 🙂

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 8, 2012 at 1:45 am

hahahha! I love it!! So true!
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Pam December 10, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Janis–you are so correct. In the past all I could think of was hitting my goal weight (which I never did) so I could QUIT! We can never quit, I realized that this time. This lifestyle is for LIFE! So it doesn’t really matter how long it takes, we will be eating and exercising this way forever, and LOVING it, because of how we look, how we feel, and the years we have added to our lives!
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Karen P December 8, 2012 at 2:40 am

I know you’ll make it there Holly, when the time is right you will. I found during times that I stayed the same or even gained that my body lost a lot of inches.

I always felt like it was my body regrouping for the next round of loss.

You are strong and courageous . cheering you on and I’ll celebrate with you when it’s time. Karen P
Karen P recently posted..Excess skin after a large weight lossMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 8, 2012 at 4:41 am

You’re right Karen. It’s really true that often the scale doesn’t move and yet our bodies are still losing inches. I need to remember this! Thank you!!

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Auggie December 8, 2012 at 2:52 am

You are…so…amazing.

I will agree that it was in your leaning on God that lead you to where you need to be, but honey I’m sure God is wanting you to be applauding yourself as much as everyone else is.

God gave you the tools because he was POSITIVE of your STRENGTH! He didn’t force you to make the life changes that you made, he gave you the opportunities and then watched you CONQUER!

You are living proof of victory, my beautiful beautiful friend. Glory to the creator but HUZZAH TO YOU too for utilizing that God given strength and turning it in to a life altering change.

I will be sharing your blog, absolutely, because your journey and your successes are lessons of encouragement, endurance, and a God spirit… the spirit of never giving in, of conquering hardships.

Sending beaucoups of positive and renewing energy your way, ladybug. It’s hard to hit a roadblock, but you’ll be queen over it soon!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 8, 2012 at 4:40 am

This was so sweet, uplifting and encouraging!! Thank you so much!!!

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Amanda December 9, 2012 at 7:05 am

Hey Holly Girl! You are doing great, I *love* what God is teaching you with this “stall”, I mean, I know the stall is not fun, but isn’t it awesome that we serve a God who takes these sort of things and makes them into amazing lessons for us?

Anyway, I wanted to encourage you, years ago Lyle McDonald (Bodyrecomposition) had an article about stalling, something he studied in college. A professor explained the science of it, but he explains it in laymens terms like this: As your fat cells shrink and lose the adipose tissue (the actual fat), they sometimes temporarily refill with WATER. They may hold on to that water for all kinds of reasons, hormones, salty food, dehydration, too many carbs (carboHYDRATES require water to break down the carbs, so they can make your body hold onto water to process what you have eaten). Anyway, that is why you can be doing EVERYTHING RIGHT for days or even weeks, working out, drinking enough, eating clean, and yet the scale doesn’t move (although your inches might change). It’s because the fat cells are swapping fat for water. BUT, then something changes in your body (he isn’t sure what causes it), and BOOM, you can drop several pounds overnight! Did you just lose all that fat in an 8-10 hour span while you slept? No, of course not. You have been building up this fat deficit so to speak, for days and days, but the cells refilled with water, and then something triggered the water to flush out, and there ya go, it shows up on the scale.

You ARE losing fat. You might just be holding on to some water. Sometimes your body just needs to catch up with all the insanity going on. Also, hormones are stored in our fat, and as you burn that fat they can mess with your body a bit. Be patient (yeah, easy for the fat girl to say!), it will happen!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 9, 2012 at 1:55 pm

What a great explanation!!!! You should write a book! This might be the best explanation I’ve heard of this that actually made sense to me!! Thanks for sharing this. I definitely needed to hear it right now!! Thanks Amanda!!

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Bre'anna Emmitt December 10, 2012 at 4:31 am

LOVE THIS!! You rock.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down December 10, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Thanks Bre’anna!!

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Pam December 10, 2012 at 4:40 pm

It sounds like this 200-lbs. lost is a major interim goal for you. I had some of those too. One-hundred pounds lost was a big one for me. When I got there I rewarded myself with a haircut and a dye job. I felt YEARS younger. My MAJOR interim goal, however was getting to ONE-derland. I was determined to get there before my 60th birthday and I DID IT, almost two months early! I had anticipated that for days too, and worked really really hard to make it happen! Funny how those interim goals can be just as important as that final one. I have no doubt that you will reach your goals–all of them! You are one determined lady, and you have Him on your side!!!
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Terri December 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Your story is amazing. I will be having my lapband surgery on 1/3 and reading stories like yours really help.
I look forward to following your journey as I begin mine.

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Tracy December 23, 2012 at 10:35 am

This post had tears streaming down my face this morning. i’m about to face my mothers holiday table and desperately trying to help her understand why i can’t eat most of it without hurting her feelings. this helps me explain. thank you!!!!!!

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