Hope Wins

October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

This is a picture of my children

Taken 6 years ago 

Because it was exactly 6 years ago

This month

That my husband walked out the door

The first 3 years of being a single mother
Were very difficult
Two babies in diapers
A preschooler
A fourth grader
Having to learn how to do everything
From paying the bills
To  changing the oil in the car
Getting pulled over by the police
Because I had not renewed my registration
Because I had no idea I was supposed to
I had been utterly dependent on him
And that was my own doing
I had no identity except what belonged to him
And that he packed up in a suitcase and took with him
I was a wife
I was a Mom
And now I felt like a failure on both counts
And it would only get worse
Because the first 3 years were hard
But I had another 3 years of misery ahead of me
I would gain another 100 pounds
I would remain alone
And though I didn’t know it
My mother would die 4 years after he left me
So if I thought things couldn’t get worse
I was wrong
They did
I’m glad I can’t see into the future
I’m glad I don’t always know what is around the corner
What good would it have done me to know
That him leaving me
Was just the beginning
That I’d gain another 100 pounds
That I’d remain alone
My mother would die
My house would flood
I’d lose my job
Lose my grandmother
But now I know
Now I know there is more than misery ahead
Now I know that the woman I was in 2006
Has more than just despair to look forward to
She will have hope
There will come a day when things will change
She will find strength
She will move out of the darkness and begin her slow trek through the neighborhood
Mailbox by mailbox
The food will lose its grip on her
She will pry its hands off her throat as she chooses to live
Not to survive
But to LIVE
And to live abundantly (John 10:10)
Not as the living dead
Not as a wanderer
But as someone with a purpose
Knowing that there is hope in my future (Jeremiah 29:11)
Puts a smile on my face
Because I know right now
There are women and men all over the world
Who feel exactly the way I felt
And because hope was given to me
I know that the very same hope can shine down on their lives as well
No matter what you are going through
Hope is out there
A new day could be just around the corner
Hope is what we need
Some knowledge that things CAN change
Faith is the assurance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1)
The conviction of things not seen
It takes faith
For hope to grow
Because at first you can’t see it
I couldn’t see my feet
When I walked
I looked down
And all I saw was my stomach in the way
I couldn’t see a life
Without my husband
I couldn’t see a future
Without my mother
I couldn’t imagine a  better job
Than the one I lost
And I could never visualize
A day
That I would be happy again
A day
That I would be 10 sizes smaller
Off all medications
Tying my own shoes
Jogging in my neighborhood
I could not see any possible way
That after so many years of diet failures
Hope would prevail
But faith is being sure
That what we can’t see
Will come true
That God can make a way
Where there seems to be no way (Isaiah 43:19)
6 years ago I thought my life was over
I thought I’d never survive
That picture of my children from 6 years ago
Shows how small and vulnerable they were
And yet I see before me now
Four children growing and thriving
Despite their circumstances
Despite living through the divorce
Despite losing their grandmother and Nana
Despite having lived with a mother who was virtually disabled for years
Not just by my weight
By depression and anxiety
By hopelessness
And yet here we are 6 years later
Happy and hopeful
185 pounds of misery gone
No longer wandering
No longer just  existing
Now we can do more than survive
We can thrive
And all of this
Because hope prevails
Because hope when  given a chance to light within your heart
Becomes an ever growing flame
That will burn brighter with each passing day
Shedding light on the darkness
Illuminating the way
The way out of the darkness
The way to victory
You can’t always see the way
But believe it
Believe it anyway
Hope begins
When you have faith
In what you can’t see
So have faith
Because in the end
Hope Wins

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Steelers6 October 24, 2012 at 3:32 am

Great photos! Thanks kids, for
humoring Mom with recreating that shot;
I loved it. Boy, does Savannah look
like you there! I don’t always think
that quite so much as this time.

You sure ARE a survivor. (& a fighter)
I’m so proud of you & the kids.


Holly from 300 Pounds Down October 24, 2012 at 3:35 am

Spoken like a true Mom!! You know I did make them recreate that shot!! lol


Staci October 24, 2012 at 4:00 am

Awwww, you mean they grow that much in just six years??? It’s crazy, isn’t it? They look super happy and healthy to me, Holly. I am so glad you are living your life now instead of wishing you could live it! 🙂
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Mercy October 24, 2012 at 8:51 am

Such beautiful kids you have. Love the one of them so small. Your son was an adorable baby. But the best one is you and your daughter in the pants. That could make a great Halloween costume somehow.
Mercy recently posted..Just Some Random, Recent StuffMy Profile


Lisa M October 24, 2012 at 11:31 am

Through sharing your life story, you have given us all hope! I know true hope and all blessings come from up above, but you sure are a bright light shining for Him! I am so glad you took that first 30 second workout that began your new life.


annamarie October 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Again thank you Holly, you have no idea what is going on in my life but reading your post about hope, well again through him you are reaching out to me and restoring hope back into me.
Your children are absolutely lovely and you can see how happy they are including you.
May you continue to shine as you always do.
Many hugs.
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Susan LaPooh October 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

You made me cry! I just found your blog yesterday and I am so happy I did. I had gastric sleeve 10/11/12 and what you described above of coming out of a dark place is how I feel as well. Thank you for sharing your heart and your faith. It was a great encouragement to me today as I am weighed down with concern for my teenage daughters and the “teenage stuff” I know that God has many blessings in store for them and for me. Thank you again for sharing!


Dawn October 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Awesome post and awesome job! Your kids are gorgeous!
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Amanda October 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I love the current picture just like the old one! They’re beautiful, inside and out, and so are you!
Amanda recently posted..I Am A Warrior!My Profile


jennxaz October 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I love how you reflect and celebrate how far you have come and see how strong you have become. Beautiful and your kids look beautiful and happy. You have done well Mama!


Lady Amanda October 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

It is hard to believe they were that little- I love the picture comparison. I also love how you put the pic of you and Charlotte in your old jeans up on the top right of the blog. That is the best picture!!! I love it. Congrats on hitting 185 pounds lost. Sooo proud of you!


Daphne @ Daphne Alive October 24, 2012 at 3:10 pm

WOW! You’re writing is absolutely beautiful. This brought me to tears! You really are a beautiful woman and tough as nails!
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Adam Underhill October 24, 2012 at 4:05 pm

What an inspiration Holly! Kids can’t make us to the most amazing things, can’t they! The can inspire us to live life to the fullest, but as parents, shouldn’t it be the other way around?! Way to take charge and find God’s glory! Blessing to you and your family!
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Pam October 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Holly-your children are beautiful, back then and now too! You are so blessed to have them in your life. Your husband may have left, but you got four wonderful children from him first!!! Nobody can take them away from you. I can’t even imagine the pain and Hell you have lived through. But you did live through it, and you chose change and had HOPE and that is what got you through it. Now you’re on the other side, looking back, and you are so thankful for all you have accomplished. You should be proud too, because you made it happen–day by day, mailbox by mailbox, choice by choice, moment by moment! You are wonderful Holly, and nobody can deny that!
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Lisa October 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Yeah Holly! Another wonderful, wonderful post! This one I REALLY need! Somehow I lost track of what our wonderful Lord has in store for us. I realize I am focusing too much on what my circumstances are and not what God’s promises are… big mistake! With your words I am reminded of how a few changes, a few steps in the right direction can take one on a lovely new path. Keep up the GREAT work. By the way, your children are as beautiful as you!


Dawn October 24, 2012 at 5:28 pm

You are such an inspiration to me and it always seems to be at the exact moment when I need it. Thank you Holly!!
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Sunny October 24, 2012 at 8:39 pm

thanks for such an awesome post…this gives me hope…I am pre~op and will have the surgery by the end of the year hopefully.


Trish @I_am_Succeeding October 25, 2012 at 12:51 am

You are an awesome Mom and they are truly blessed to have you!! xo
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dieta October 27, 2012 at 11:40 pm

What doesn’t kill you will strengthen you. And yes it’s true. In years time I will be able to look back and see the journey and the gains it has given. It will give me a new dimension and depth to my life (that I really didn’t want to be honest) but this gain could be the start of something else rewarding and challenging that I can use for others. Please share my blog with others, have the courage to comment or contact me. Take a stand and join me in the fight against ignorance about eating disorders and how to encourage and help each other in this. ED’s isolate families from any kind of social life and just being able to be heard by someone is such a relief.
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