Hope Wins

October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

This is a picture of my children

Taken 6 years ago 

Because it was exactly 6 years ago

This month

That my husband walked out the door

 
 
The first 3 years of being a single mother
 
Were very difficult
 
Two babies in diapers
 
A preschooler
 
A fourth grader
 
Having to learn how to do everything
 
From paying the bills
 
To  changing the oil in the car
 
Getting pulled over by the police
 
Because I had not renewed my registration
 
Because I had no idea I was supposed to
 
I had been utterly dependent on him
 
And that was my own doing
 
I had no identity except what belonged to him
 
And that he packed up in a suitcase and took with him
 
I was a wife
 
I was a Mom
 
And now I felt like a failure on both counts
 
And it would only get worse
 
Because the first 3 years were hard
 
But I had another 3 years of misery ahead of me
 
I would gain another 100 pounds
 
I would remain alone
 
And though I didn’t know it
 
My mother would die 4 years after he left me
 
So if I thought things couldn’t get worse
 
I was wrong
 
They did
 
I’m glad I can’t see into the future
 
I’m glad I don’t always know what is around the corner
 
What good would it have done me to know
 
That him leaving me
 
Was just the beginning
 
That I’d gain another 100 pounds
 
That I’d remain alone
 
My mother would die
 
My house would flood
 
I’d lose my job
 
Lose my grandmother
 
But now I know
 
Now I know there is more than misery ahead
 
Now I know that the woman I was in 2006
 
Has more than just despair to look forward to
 
She will have hope
 
There will come a day when things will change
 
She will find strength
 
She will move out of the darkness and begin her slow trek through the neighborhood
 
Mailbox by mailbox
 
The food will lose its grip on her
 
She will pry its hands off her throat as she chooses to live
 
Not to survive
 
But to LIVE
 
And to live abundantly (John 10:10)
 
Not as the living dead
 
Not as a wanderer
 
But as someone with a purpose
 
Knowing that there is hope in my future (Jeremiah 29:11)
 
Puts a smile on my face
 
Because I know right now
 
There are women and men all over the world
 
Who feel exactly the way I felt
 
And because hope was given to me
 
I know that the very same hope can shine down on their lives as well
 
No matter what you are going through
 
Hope is out there
 
A new day could be just around the corner
 
Hope is what we need
 
Some knowledge that things CAN change
 
Faith is the assurance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1)
 
The conviction of things not seen
 
It takes faith
 
For hope to grow
 
Because at first you can’t see it
 
I couldn’t see my feet
 
When I walked
 
I looked down
 
And all I saw was my stomach in the way
 
I couldn’t see a life
 
Without my husband
 
I couldn’t see a future
 
Without my mother
 
I couldn’t imagine a  better job
 
Than the one I lost
 
And I could never visualize
 
A day
 
That I would be happy again
 
A day
 
That I would be 10 sizes smaller
 
Off all medications
 
Tying my own shoes
 
Jogging in my neighborhood
 
I could not see any possible way
 
That after so many years of diet failures
 
Hope would prevail
 
But faith is being sure
 
That what we can’t see
 
Will come true
 
That God can make a way
 
Where there seems to be no way (Isaiah 43:19)
 
6 years ago I thought my life was over
 
I thought I’d never survive
 
That picture of my children from 6 years ago
 
Shows how small and vulnerable they were
 
 
 
And yet I see before me now
 
Four children growing and thriving
 
 
Despite their circumstances
 
Despite living through the divorce
 
Despite losing their grandmother and Nana
 
Despite having lived with a mother who was virtually disabled for years
 
Not just by my weight
 
By depression and anxiety
 
By hopelessness
 
And yet here we are 6 years later
 
Happy and hopeful
 
185 pounds of misery gone
 
No longer wandering
 
No longer just  existing
 
Now we can do more than survive
 
We can thrive
 
And all of this
 
Because hope prevails
 
Because hope when  given a chance to light within your heart
 
Becomes an ever growing flame
 
That will burn brighter with each passing day
 
Shedding light on the darkness
 
Illuminating the way
 
The way out of the darkness
 
The way to victory
 
You can’t always see the way
 
But believe it
 
Believe it anyway
 
Hope begins
 
When you have faith
 
In what you can’t see
 
So have faith
 
Believe
 
Because in the end
 
Hope Wins
 
 

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Steelers6 October 24, 2012 at 3:32 am

Great photos! Thanks kids, for
humoring Mom with recreating that shot;
I loved it. Boy, does Savannah look
like you there! I don’t always think
that quite so much as this time.

You sure ARE a survivor. (& a fighter)
I’m so proud of you & the kids.
Chrissy

Reply

Holly from 300 Pounds Down October 24, 2012 at 3:35 am

Spoken like a true Mom!! You know I did make them recreate that shot!! lol

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Staci October 24, 2012 at 4:00 am

Awwww, you mean they grow that much in just six years??? It’s crazy, isn’t it? They look super happy and healthy to me, Holly. I am so glad you are living your life now instead of wishing you could live it! 🙂
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Mercy October 24, 2012 at 8:51 am

Such beautiful kids you have. Love the one of them so small. Your son was an adorable baby. But the best one is you and your daughter in the pants. That could make a great Halloween costume somehow.
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Lisa M October 24, 2012 at 11:31 am

Through sharing your life story, you have given us all hope! I know true hope and all blessings come from up above, but you sure are a bright light shining for Him! I am so glad you took that first 30 second workout that began your new life.

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annamarie October 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Again thank you Holly, you have no idea what is going on in my life but reading your post about hope, well again through him you are reaching out to me and restoring hope back into me.
Your children are absolutely lovely and you can see how happy they are including you.
May you continue to shine as you always do.
Many hugs.
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Susan LaPooh October 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

You made me cry! I just found your blog yesterday and I am so happy I did. I had gastric sleeve 10/11/12 and what you described above of coming out of a dark place is how I feel as well. Thank you for sharing your heart and your faith. It was a great encouragement to me today as I am weighed down with concern for my teenage daughters and the “teenage stuff” I know that God has many blessings in store for them and for me. Thank you again for sharing!

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Dawn October 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Awesome post and awesome job! Your kids are gorgeous!
Dawn
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Amanda October 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I love the current picture just like the old one! They’re beautiful, inside and out, and so are you!
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jennxaz October 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I love how you reflect and celebrate how far you have come and see how strong you have become. Beautiful and your kids look beautiful and happy. You have done well Mama!

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Lady Amanda October 24, 2012 at 2:57 pm

It is hard to believe they were that little- I love the picture comparison. I also love how you put the pic of you and Charlotte in your old jeans up on the top right of the blog. That is the best picture!!! I love it. Congrats on hitting 185 pounds lost. Sooo proud of you!

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Daphne @ Daphne Alive October 24, 2012 at 3:10 pm

WOW! You’re writing is absolutely beautiful. This brought me to tears! You really are a beautiful woman and tough as nails!
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Adam Underhill October 24, 2012 at 4:05 pm

What an inspiration Holly! Kids can’t make us to the most amazing things, can’t they! The can inspire us to live life to the fullest, but as parents, shouldn’t it be the other way around?! Way to take charge and find God’s glory! Blessing to you and your family!
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Pam October 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Holly-your children are beautiful, back then and now too! You are so blessed to have them in your life. Your husband may have left, but you got four wonderful children from him first!!! Nobody can take them away from you. I can’t even imagine the pain and Hell you have lived through. But you did live through it, and you chose change and had HOPE and that is what got you through it. Now you’re on the other side, looking back, and you are so thankful for all you have accomplished. You should be proud too, because you made it happen–day by day, mailbox by mailbox, choice by choice, moment by moment! You are wonderful Holly, and nobody can deny that!
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Lisa October 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Yeah Holly! Another wonderful, wonderful post! This one I REALLY need! Somehow I lost track of what our wonderful Lord has in store for us. I realize I am focusing too much on what my circumstances are and not what God’s promises are… big mistake! With your words I am reminded of how a few changes, a few steps in the right direction can take one on a lovely new path. Keep up the GREAT work. By the way, your children are as beautiful as you!
Lisa

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Dawn October 24, 2012 at 5:28 pm

You are such an inspiration to me and it always seems to be at the exact moment when I need it. Thank you Holly!!
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Sunny October 24, 2012 at 8:39 pm

thanks for such an awesome post…this gives me hope…I am pre~op and will have the surgery by the end of the year hopefully.

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Trish @I_am_Succeeding October 25, 2012 at 12:51 am

You are an awesome Mom and they are truly blessed to have you!! xo
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dieta October 27, 2012 at 11:40 pm

What doesn’t kill you will strengthen you. And yes it’s true. In years time I will be able to look back and see the journey and the gains it has given. It will give me a new dimension and depth to my life (that I really didn’t want to be honest) but this gain could be the start of something else rewarding and challenging that I can use for others. Please share my blog with others, have the courage to comment or contact me. Take a stand and join me in the fight against ignorance about eating disorders and how to encourage and help each other in this. ED’s isolate families from any kind of social life and just being able to be heard by someone is such a relief.
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