Crossfit Video and a slice of “Who Cares!”

October 25, 2012 in Uncategorized


Merrily is one of the women I work out with

Someone who continues to inspire me along the way

And she put together a video

Of our adventures at Crossfit

I wasn’t going to show it to you

And here’s why:

I don’t like the way I look

Let’s face it

When you work out

You sweat

And if you’re me

And you have rosacea

You get VERY red in the face

Like this

And that’s not super attractive, you know?

One day at Crossfit

I had to climb up on a box

And then get upside down

And then do push ups

Ok here’s the thing…

I just said

I had to climb up on a box

Last year I couldn’t get on the floor

And back up again

I’ve only been able to do that in the past 8 months

If I were to ever get on the floor

Or on a box

Or even in a chair

I would need assistance to get up again

So climbing on a box

And then doing push ups


Well…that’s like I just told you

I walked on water


You don’t climb on anything at 417 pounds

You don’t climb

Or jump

Or run

You exist


Now there is video of me doing this

Not a picture


I literally cringed when I saw it

There it was

Me upside down on a box

Attempting to do push ups

And when you see it

You’ll see

That I’m barely able to do that at all

It’s taking all of my strength to keep me on the box

To push that much weight up and not fall

What that exercise is supposed to look like

And what it looks like when I do it

Are two totally different things

And trust me

My butt

In the air

Is NOT attractive!!

So when I saw that I cringed and thought


No one needs to see THAT!!

The cringe on my face was visibly apparent

But at that exact moment in time

I looked across the table at one of the ladies I work out with

And she mouthed these words to me

“IT’S OK!!!”

I think in that moment she knew exactly what I was thinking


Because we all feel that way, don’t we?

We all feel embarrassed

Self concsious

Because it’s bad enough to be obese

But to work out when you are obese

And have people see you

It’s like admitting to the world

Yes I have a problem

And I’m trying to fix it

And I’ll probably fail

And now you get a front row seat

You see before I was hiding in the house failing

Now I’m inviting the world to witness me failing publicly

At least that is what the voices in my head tell me

But that’s not all that you will see in that video

I carried the bar

Up the small hill

Out the back door of Crossfit

It’s the last scene in the video

The view of me

From behind

Hauling the bar up the hill

NOT attractive

When I saw that

I thought to myself



I mean…really

If it looks like that NOW

What in the world did it look like 14 months ago??

I don’t ever get to see myself from behind, you know?

I mean I can turn around and look in the mirror

But I don’t see myself walking away

That’s just not a view I’ve ever had of myself

And in a moment

My heart sank

As I realized that my butt is even bigger

Than I had imagined!!

And that’s after losing this much weight

Part of me felt embarrassed

Until a woman came up to me afterwards and said

That is awesome! I want to do that!  I want to have the courage to work out!

She didn’t see my giant butt!

She didn’t see me looking ridiculous!

She just saw COURAGE!

Me?? Courageous???


But wait a minute?

It does take courage to get out there doesn’t it?

Or maybe when we don’t have courage

It just takes a leap of faith

And a big dose of


I’m doing this anyway!!

Yesterday a beautiful woman

Left me this comment on my blog

I have had friends call and say “let’s go for a walk”, and rather than be embarrassed by how out of shape I am

I make excuses why I can’t.

I often defeat myself before I start.

I imagine my feet hurting.

Imagine only going a little way.

Imagine the neighbors knowing I only did about 5 minutes.

When I read this I thought

This is SO me!!

I felt this way when I started walking outside

It almost made me NOT go

On more than one occasion

Fear of what others will think

I thought I’d gotten over this

But then I realized

I’m not sharing the video with you!

I’ve had it for a month

And I’m not sharing it


I’ve already shown the worst

Why is now any different?

Maybe our minds continually work at condemning us

Making us feel self conscious

But then I thought


Because YES

That’s what I look like

That’s what I look like upside down on a box

Trying to do push ups

And that’s what I look like

From behind

My chest is big

My butt is bigger

And you know what?


I didn’t want to go walking outside at 417 pounds

Because I worried what people would think

I worried what someone might say

When the orthopedic surgeon told me I couldn’t walk

Because of my knee

He said to go to the pool

And I didn’t want to get in a bathing suit

Because I worried what people might think

What they might say

Are we going to do that to ourselves?

Not walk in the gym

Not walk out the door

Because we are worried what people might say?

What they might think?

Look–this is reality

This is what I look like

Or at least what I looked like at the time these pictures were taken

These videos were made

I’ve lost some weight since then

But this is the point

We’re doing this because we deserve it

We’re not working out to look pretty


We’re working out to live

To get our lives back

And when you’re fighting for your life

You can’t be concerned

With how your butt looks to the person behind you!

Exercising in public

It’s risky business

The other day at Crossfit

Merrily had a mishap with some weights

She made an attempt to lift something very heavy

And it didn’t work out

Did she quit?

No way!!

She used it as a lesson

I saw a man fly off the back of the treadmill the other day at Planet Fitness

You know what?

He was ok!

He got up and got right back on

I wanted to give him a round of applause

Because THAT takes courage

We may risk embarrassment

But you know what’s riskier?

Staying the same

Not working out

Giving up

Letting our fears get the best of us

Now THAT is

Risky Business

We’ve all seen the movie


Remember this scene?

Joel (played by Tom Cruise) is playing it safe

And his friend thinks he’s missing out on opportunities

He tells him this

Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, “What the bleep.”

“What the bleep” gives you freedom.

Freedom brings opportunity.

Opportunity makes your future.

Ok so he didn’t say “What the bleep

But you get the point 🙂

So in the interest of saying

WHO CARES aka What the Bleep!!

I’m posting this video

Because it’s full of women who inspire me

Who encourage me

Who meet me every day with a smile

And say “YOU CAN DO IT!”

So I want you to see them

To get a glimpse of what I do at Crossfit

Because the fact that I can do anything at all

Is a miracle

Savannah is in it too

You’ll see her in pink shorts

Doing pull ups on the bar

I’m proud of her

I’m proud of me

I’m proud of YOU

We all should be proud of ourselves

Whether we’re running a marathon

Or just walking to the mailbox and back

It takes guts to get out there in public

In front of someone else

You’re accomplishing much more than just a workout

You’re overcoming fear

You’re winning the battle in your mind

You’re fighting the demons that tell you to go back in the house

You deserve to be out there

Just as much as anyone else

Regardless of what you look like

Or what you weigh

We’re out there fighting


So let’s go for it

Let’s say

What the Bleep!!

Because in the end

We have to put ourselves first

Not the opinions of others

We have to say “This is for ME

Regardless of how it looks at the moment

Regardless of how ridiculous we may feel at times

Regardless of how enormous my butt is on camera!!!

We have to push past it

And just say

Who cares!!

Because we matter

We deserve this

So go for it!


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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

annamarie October 25, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Holly you are just amazing. I know you are proud of you plus I am too for you. I can’t thank you enough for all your encouraging words and actions. You have come so far and your will go much farther with such determination. You rock woman.
With many blessings.
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Kelliann October 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I think you all look like you are KICKING ASS and TAKING NAMES! Work it, girl!
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tz October 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Holy cow, so glad you posted this..inspirational, and you do look great…you have come so far and what you’re doing is amazing!
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Pam October 25, 2012 at 1:17 pm

GREAT video Holly and great blog! You are right–even if we are too embarrassed to be seen in public, we JUST DO IT! We do it for ourselves and for those of us who love us and want us around for a while. I think about regaining this weight, even some of it….and I remember how unhealthy I was back then. Oh I was in denial, but I KNEW what I was doing to myself. Now…with retirement less than two months away, and three beautiful grandchildren who I want to watch grow up, I’m fighting every second to keep the weight off, to stay healthy, to LIVE!

I had a huge butt from the time I hit puberty. I hated it. I also have big legs, and arms. But you know what….nothing is big anymore except my legs. They are still not long and shapely as I dreamed they might someday be. I guess losing weight doesn’t grow your legs any longer! But the butt is gone! Where did it go? I wasn’t very heavy when I was younger, but my butt was big. Now it’s NOT. All that is left of those heavy arms is lots of hanging flesh, especially on the upper part. Oh well. I wear 3/4 length sleeves and nobody knows.

You are beautiful Holly, even in the red-faced picture you linked from an earlier blog. Watching you walk out of that gym, carrying that huge heavy bar up that hill made me so happy for you because I know how far you have come. And I bet someday that butt will be gone for you too!
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Linda Sherwood October 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Your arm muscles must be getting so strong! I loved the video. It was great seeing the challenges and support and seeing people DO things that I wouldn’t think I could do, but you make me rethink what I can’t do. 🙂
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Daphne @ Daphne Alive October 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm

That was very inspiring and very motivational 🙂
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Lee October 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Great video! Very inspiring Holly- as usual. You rock woman!
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Susan October 25, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Once again you bring tears to me! Tears of joy and pride for you and everyone getting out there and doing it!! 🙂 I struggle with defeating myself before I start too….. and I am learning that when I quit looking around at what everyone else is lifting/looking like/wearing/doing, and focus on being proud of what I am doing, it becomes this amazing spiritual gift that God gives me each work out!! Now…. when am I gonna figure out how I can go to the same class as all the cool kids on Tues/Thurs?(You, Savannah and Merrily!!). Keep it up…. you still rock!!


Suzy October 25, 2012 at 6:16 pm

This video is wonderful! I have been curious about Crossfit, so was nice to see a bit of what it is about. And secondly, great post about getting out there and doing it! As always you are so inspiring.


Amanda October 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm

You are amazing!
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Donna October 25, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Oh my, I so wish I were able to do what you are doing, that is wonderful, such a great post.


suzanne October 25, 2012 at 10:44 pm

You’re right we just have to do it! I must admit I do sometimes care about what other people too much but hey it takes time.
What a wonderful video and post!
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Lynne October 26, 2012 at 3:43 am

The video is awesome and so are you! Thank you so much for sharing:) Your writing is so inspiring – I want to print each entry and hang them around my house! Peace, Lynne.


Steelers6 October 26, 2012 at 5:08 am

Looks like you gals have a great time. So
cool that Savannah does crossfit with you.

When I feel like a photo or just me is
not really flattering/looking my best,
I’ve been telling myself; I just allowed
them to see the “before”. Maybe that
will make them appreciate the “after”
more. 🙂


Karin October 26, 2012 at 5:15 am

Putting yourself out there and being BRAVE…that actually looked like it would be fun. Well fun in the way having a tooth pulled is fun! Really-switching up routines looks great. You rock.


Karin October 26, 2012 at 5:17 am
Patrick October 26, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Simply, you look marvelous. Ok, I stole that line from Billy Crystal, he’ll get over it.
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Trish @I_am_Succeeding October 26, 2012 at 7:43 pm

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adorkbl October 26, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Once again I find you completely inspiring. You are so committed to the cross fit and rock it out. That you GO is more than most. That you rock it out is inspiring. Keep up the awesome work! You are a rockstar.
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Karen October 27, 2012 at 12:48 am

I just read Emmie’s latest entry from “Skinny Emmie Weight Loss Blog” and she was discussing the world’s perspective of larger people also. It is so easy for others to judge without knowing our story…because we all have one.

I love this part: “Exercising in public It’s risky business.” And can I add “eating in public” and “shopping in public” and…

Thanks for your post!
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Beth M. October 28, 2012 at 8:28 pm

You are so awesome, and so inspiring! And THAT is beautiful.


Gen November 7, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Yeah!!!!!! Great job!
Love the background song for the video. 🙂
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