Merrily is one of the women I work out with
Someone who continues to inspire me along the way
And she put together a video
Of our adventures at Crossfit
I wasn’t going to show it to you
And here’s why:
I don’t like the way I look
Let’s face it
When you work out
And if you’re me
And you have rosacea
You get VERY red in the face
And that’s not super attractive, you know?
One day at Crossfit
I had to climb up on a box
And then get upside down
And then do push ups
Ok here’s the thing…
I just said
I had to climb up on a box
Last year I couldn’t get on the floor
And back up again
I’ve only been able to do that in the past 8 months
If I were to ever get on the floor
Or on a box
Or even in a chair
I would need assistance to get up again
So climbing on a box
And then doing push ups
Well…that’s like I just told you
I walked on water
You don’t climb on anything at 417 pounds
You don’t climb
Now there is video of me doing this
Not a picture
I literally cringed when I saw it
There it was
Me upside down on a box
Attempting to do push ups
And when you see it
That I’m barely able to do that at all
It’s taking all of my strength to keep me on the box
To push that much weight up and not fall
What that exercise is supposed to look like
And what it looks like when I do it
Are two totally different things
And trust me
In the air
Is NOT attractive!!
So when I saw that I cringed and thought
No one needs to see THAT!!
The cringe on my face was visibly apparent
But at that exact moment in time
I looked across the table at one of the ladies I work out with
And she mouthed these words to me
I think in that moment she knew exactly what I was thinking
Because we all feel that way, don’t we?
We all feel embarrassed
Because it’s bad enough to be obese
But to work out when you are obese
And have people see you
It’s like admitting to the world
Yes I have a problem
And I’m trying to fix it
And I’ll probably fail
And now you get a front row seat
You see before I was hiding in the house failing
Now I’m inviting the world to witness me failing publicly
At least that is what the voices in my head tell me
But that’s not all that you will see in that video
I carried the bar
Up the small hill
Out the back door of Crossfit
It’s the last scene in the video
The view of me
Hauling the bar up the hill
When I saw that
I thought to myself
“IS MY BUTT STILL THAT BIG?????”
If it looks like that NOW
What in the world did it look like 14 months ago??
I don’t ever get to see myself from behind, you know?
I mean I can turn around and look in the mirror
But I don’t see myself walking away
That’s just not a view I’ve ever had of myself
And in a moment
My heart sank
As I realized that my butt is even bigger
Than I had imagined!!
And that’s after losing this much weight
Part of me felt embarrassed
Until a woman came up to me afterwards and said
That is awesome! I want to do that! I want to have the courage to work out!
She didn’t see my giant butt!
She didn’t see me looking ridiculous!
She just saw COURAGE!
But wait a minute?
It does take courage to get out there doesn’t it?
Or maybe when we don’t have courage
It just takes a leap of faith
And a big dose of
I’m doing this anyway!!
Yesterday a beautiful woman
Left me this comment on my blog
I have had friends call and say “let’s go for a walk”, and rather than be embarrassed by how out of shape I am
I make excuses why I can’t.
I often defeat myself before I start.
I imagine my feet hurting.
Imagine only going a little way.
Imagine the neighbors knowing I only did about 5 minutes.
When I read this I thought
This is SO me!!
I felt this way when I started walking outside
It almost made me NOT go
On more than one occasion
Fear of what others will think
I thought I’d gotten over this
But then I realized
I’m not sharing the video with you!
I’ve had it for a month
And I’m not sharing it
I’ve already shown the worst
Why is now any different?
Maybe our minds continually work at condemning us
Making us feel self conscious
But then I thought
That’s what I look like
That’s what I look like upside down on a box
Trying to do push ups
And that’s what I look like
My chest is big
My butt is bigger
And you know what?
I didn’t want to go walking outside at 417 pounds
Because I worried what people would think
I worried what someone might say
Because of my knee
He said to go to the pool
And I didn’t want to get in a bathing suit
Because I worried what people might think
What they might say
Are we going to do that to ourselves?
Not walk in the gym
Not walk out the door
Because we are worried what people might say?
What they might think?
Look–this is reality
This is what I look like
Or at least what I looked like at the time these pictures were taken
These videos were made
I’ve lost some weight since then
But this is the point
We’re doing this because we deserve it
We’re not working out to look pretty
We’re working out to live
To get our lives back
And when you’re fighting for your life
You can’t be concerned
With how your butt looks to the person behind you!
Exercising in public
It’s risky business
The other day at Crossfit
Merrily had a mishap with some weights
She made an attempt to lift something very heavy
And it didn’t work out
Did she quit?
I saw a man fly off the back of the treadmill the other day at Planet Fitness
You know what?
He was ok!
He got up and got right back on
I wanted to give him a round of applause
Because THAT takes courage
We may risk embarrassment
But you know what’s riskier?
Staying the same
Not working out
Letting our fears get the best of us
Now THAT is
We’ve all seen the movie
Remember this scene?
Joel (played by Tom Cruise) is playing it safe
And his friend thinks he’s missing out on opportunities
He tells him this
Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, “What the bleep.”
“What the bleep” gives you freedom.
Freedom brings opportunity.
Opportunity makes your future.
Ok so he didn’t say “What the bleep”
But you get the point 🙂
So in the interest of saying
WHO CARES aka What the Bleep!!
I’m posting this video
Because it’s full of women who inspire me
Who encourage me
Who meet me every day with a smile
And say “YOU CAN DO IT!”
So I want you to see them
To get a glimpse of what I do at Crossfit
Because the fact that I can do anything at all
Is a miracle
Savannah is in it too
You’ll see her in pink shorts
Doing pull ups on the bar
I’m proud of her
I’m proud of me
I’m proud of YOU
We all should be proud of ourselves
Whether we’re running a marathon
Or just walking to the mailbox and back
It takes guts to get out there in public
In front of someone else
You’re accomplishing much more than just a workout
You’re overcoming fear
You’re winning the battle in your mind
You’re fighting the demons that tell you to go back in the house
You deserve to be out there
Just as much as anyone else
Regardless of what you look like
Or what you weigh
We’re out there fighting
So let’s go for it
What the Bleep!!
Because in the end
We have to put ourselves first
Not the opinions of others
We have to say “This is for ME”
Regardless of how it looks at the moment
Regardless of how ridiculous we may feel at times
Regardless of how enormous my butt is on camera!!!
We have to push past it
And just say
Because we matter
We deserve this
So go for it!