Admit One

October 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

My son was sick last week

As usual, these things fall on a weekend

So I took him to urgent care

The last time I took my son to urgent care

I weighed over 400 pounds

And I could not fit in the chairs

They gave me a lot of paperwork to fill out

And I had to take my son and go sit in the car

Because I could not stand on my feet for that long

While filling out the papers

I did not want to explain to the person at the front desk

That I could not fit in their chairs

So I just went to the car

When we returned with the paperwork

She was surprised to see us

Because she thought we had left

We had to wait for our turn to see the doctor

And I tried to stand for as long as my feet could bear it

But I couldn’t take it anymore

And I had to take my son and go sit in the bathroom

As that was the only place that had a seat

Without arms

This time was different

SO DIFFERENT

I had no problem fitting in the chair

 

And it was a joyous occasion

Because I could sit right there

And fill in all the paperwork

No trek back to the car

No hiding out in the bathroom

Dragging my sick son back and forth

Because now I fit

 

When we got home

My son just wanted to rest

Cuddle up with me and take a nap

But here is the problem with that

When you’re a very large person

It’s hard to move around

There is so much of you

That it becomes physically hard

To get your arms around your children

There isn’t enough space

For them AND you

My recliner is oversized

And when I got it

It barely fit me at all

But now

It fits us both

 

This recliner which at one point in time

Barely fit me

Now has enough room

For the both of us

And now I can hold my son when he’s sick

And to me

It is as if I won the lottery

But better

100 million times

BETTER

 

A few weeks ago

We went to the mall

And that alone

Is still a miracle

Because I couldn’t go to the mall

FOR YEARS

But now I can

I can walk around the mall

As if it’s a totally normal thing to be able to do

When for me

It’s as if I just told you

I went to the moon and back

 

So at the mall

My kids love the massage chairs

 

But I could never fit in one

Except now

I CAN !!!

 

It’s kind of crazy

The things I can do now

I can fit in chairs

I can go places

And for the first time in a really long time

I bought a coat

It’s going to be winter

And I’m going to have a coat

 

It’s been a really long time

Since I could fit in a coat

In the past I had to special order one

Or wear a poncho

Or a cape

But never could I walk into a store

And buy a coat

Luckily I live in Texas

And it doesn’t get that cold here

So mostly I just went without

I learned to just get by without a coat

I wore layers

Sweaters

But coats

Coats were out

 

The other day I was in the store

And I noticed all the coats

The winter jackets

And I thought

Hmmmmm…….

Could it be??

Could I….fit in a coat?

The answer is

YES

So I bought one

 

And I got SO excited about FINALLY being able to own a coat

That I went back and bought another one!!

 

 

It’s kind of crazy to me

All the places I fit

And all the things I can fit into

 

Savannah just got her Driver’s License

Her permit that is

And I’m teaching her how to drive

Kind of nerve wracking

To sit in the passenger seat

And let your baby take the wheel!!

 

But Savannah has been an “adult”

Since she was about 5 years old

So I’m pretty sure

She will make a great driver!!

We’ve been looking at cars

And the other day

We test drove

A Honda Fit

 

It’s been a really long time

Since I’ve fit in a car of any kind

An actual CAR

Not a van

Or my Suburban

But a car

And not just any car

But a Honda Fit

A mini compact car

I FIT IN THE FIT

 

These are things I never thought

I would ever be able to do

 

Fit in a small car

Fit in a coat

Fit in a chair with arms

Share the recliner with my son

 

It’s as if I somehow

Gained admittance to the world

Like I finally found my ticket

“ADMIT ONE”

And now that I have my ticket

Now that I’ve gained my admittance to the party

All I want to do

Is run back out to the entrance gate

With a big roll of tickets

And pass them out to everyone

 

 

Because no one

Should have to stand on the outside

Stand at the gate

Watching everyone else roll on in

And enjoy the show

Ride the rides

Who wants to stand on the outside looking in?

 

Life should not have a bouncer

Standing behind a velvet rope

Only admitting the ones who fit

While you wait on the sidelines

Waiting for your time to come

 

The party will not be complete

Until the velvet rope is gone

And we’re all inside

Together

 

So grab your tickets

There’s one for everyone

If we don’t give up hope

 

One day

We will all find our way past the bouncer

Our way into the party

And when we get there

We will jump for joy

 

And no one

Not a single one

Will be left

On the outside looking in

 

 

 

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Margene October 17, 2012 at 6:58 am

AMEN!!! I LOVED this post! I so related to it and understand how that feels. And how it feels to finally have that ticket and fit in. You say it so beautifully. Being in a place like that myself, I too don’t want anyone to suffer from not fitting in…. I wanna give tickets to everyone else too. Funny how you feel that way.

YOU look amazing and SO happy. Funny all the little stuff that people take for granted like cuddling with your child on the couch… and how it can mean so much! Having my son be able to put his arms around me, being able to run to the car with my kids, having them push me when I stand on the edge of the grocery cart…. I feel free and full of life every time.

You are so gifted with your words and how you express yourself! You are so motivating and inspiring to people and to me! Way to go Sista!!!

God bless..
~Margene
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down October 17, 2012 at 11:16 am

I love what you said about standing on the edge of the grocery cart! Now that I haven’t tried yet! But I know what you mean about the little things we take for granted before we lose the ability to do it. It’s made every day of my life be like winning the lottery~!

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MizFit October 17, 2012 at 9:20 am

SO SO SO SMILING HERE…from my core.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down October 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

Thanks so much!!

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Linda Kuil October 17, 2012 at 11:05 am

LOVE it!!! And I had that tan coat (got it in Fashion Bug) a few years ago. It’s beautiful and warm, but it’s TAN! Dang thing got dirty so fast! Black is always the best! LOL
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down October 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

hahah I went back and got the black one too!! I have 2 dogs and 2 cats so I’m virtually hopeless on keeping anything tan clean for very long or free from pet hair!!!

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Sheila October 17, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I FIT IN A FIT!!!

Ha, that is awesome Holly! Love it. And for a second there, I was doing double takes on your son. I *forgot* that you have two sons because I mostly see pictures of your younger son. For some reason my mind was racing thinking, how could he have grown up so quick and we didn’t notice. Then I realized, OH that is your older son. And I think it is sooooo cute that he wanted to snuggle (and awesome that you both fit in the chair!!!) I hope he is feeling better now. Oh and do you remember when I went on a jacket buying spree last fall? http://thisonebody.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-husband-thinks-im-little-crazy.html

I have even added a few more to the pile (all from thrift stores!) Amazing what you can find in thrift stores when you are the same size as the “average” Amercian woman. šŸ™‚
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Katie June 21, 2013 at 10:44 pm

Holly, is that CJ in the chair with you?? I’d be really surprised to hear you have an older son (five kids?). I’m really confused after reading this comment . . .

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 22, 2013 at 1:03 am

Hi Katie,
Sorry for the confusion. I only have one son! 4 Kids…all girls and my last is the boy šŸ™‚

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Katie June 22, 2013 at 4:00 am

Thank you Holly! šŸ™‚ Your children are beautiful inside and out.

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Anele @ Success Along the Weigh October 17, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I am so proud of you girl! I know exactly what you mean about standing outside looking in. It’s torturous. Then even when you do fit, it can sometimes to be hard to remember. I was at a French patisserie last week and was horrified to see armed chairs in a small space. I sat with caution and fit just fine. Despite being able to fit in pretty much an chair with arms for 2 years, I still can’t quite grasp it. Don’t know if I ever will.
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tz October 17, 2012 at 12:27 pm

As usual what a great post! I love the part about winning the lottery because you can hold your children. Being able to hold my children closer is so rewarding, one of the best things about weight loss! And the look your daughter is giving you in that picture is PRICELESS!
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annamarie October 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Awesome as usual are all of your posts. I think that is wonderful progress and you should be mighty proud of yourself. and yes being able to hold your child is definitely priceless.

Again thanks for sharing, you always brighten up my day, even when I am blue and sad.

Many hugs
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jennxaz October 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm

so cool! I love you and your boy in the chair..priceless…and you look super cute in your new coats! Great job Holly!

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Amanda October 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm

YES! My family and I just went to Disneyland. My husband is still a really big guy but he’s lost 125 lbs in the last year or so. He fit on all the rides. He walked around with us all day. He was worried the whole time leading up to this trip that he’d have to just watch us do the rides, preparing himself for the embarrassment of not fitting and having to get out of line, preparing for the pain of walking all day and having to take lots of breaks. But he fit and he walked and it was a trip we’ll never forget. I’ve hijacked your blog (Oops!) but I totally get this!
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Tess October 17, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Love it!! I had a similar experience with coats this fall…I can actually ZIP my coat this year with room to spare! What a liberating thing! Congrats to you, Holly!!!

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adorkbl October 17, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Lurve this!! I love how you find joy in every part of your journey. You have come so far and are doing so well. Such an inspiration!!! šŸ™‚
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Staci October 17, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Look at you! A coat for your brown shoes, and a coat for your black shoes! šŸ™‚ You are all hooked up now!
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Lilian October 17, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Holly you look amazing!! All I can fit into is those baggy, “bleh” kind of sweatpants right now – hopefully one day I can be like you and your new coat and change my wardrobe up a bit! šŸ™‚

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Dennis October 17, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Congratulations on your ticket. I can only imagine how good it must feel to be able to do these things that most of us take for granted.

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16blessingsmom October 17, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I love this post. I have also gained admittance to life. I took some of my girls shopping the other day, and bought myself a jacket to wear on my walks. My daughter asked, “Mom, is it nice that you can buy something from Aeropostale now?” I answered, “Of course. Even if it IS a men’s x-tra large. ( I still have a ways to go!)

I love your writing. The reader can feel your pain, experience your joy. Thank you for sharing, and have fun teaching Savannah how to drive!

Della

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Steelers6 October 18, 2012 at 3:42 am

Wow, interesting to hear the before &
after at the urgent care.

Love the pic of the kids in the massage
chair. And you! Yay! Oo, & the close
up pic of your lovely smile! Wow, so
pretty!!

Teaching my daughter to drive too.
Wow, I’m so glad you got your “ticket”
when you did! It seems to involve so
many things! Even car shopping with
Savannah! (Ill bet she’s excited.)

Coats, so great! I’m happy for you. I’ve
lost some weight & coats seem more
available to me too. Or more “fun”?

I sure get a lot out of your experiences.
I would never have known some people
can’t do the things you describe; and it
is fascinating, enlightening, & sad to read.
Thank you for writing about it.
Chrissy

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Linda Sherwood October 18, 2012 at 3:52 am

I love the expression on your face when your daughter was behind the wheel. I know that feeling. šŸ™‚ I have two with licenses and one who is now old enough to get her permit, and I am stalling!
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Kaitlyn October 18, 2012 at 10:27 am

Love this post. Very thought provoking. Following the Paralympics I’ve been thinking a lot about disability and I think this applies to that as well.

A person is disabled by the world around them.
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Charissa October 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Hey Holly!

I’m just popping in to say what SO many have said. You are gorgeous and an inspiration – a gorgeous inspiration! I hope that really sinks in to your heart on the bad days and encourages you.

You’ve worked hard to have the freedom and joy you’re experiencing and you’ve reminded so many people (or maybe shown for the first time!) that healing and change are possible – whether your “prison” is obesity or depression or people-pleasing or workaholism. We are given such HOPE in Christ for change – that is the unimaginable power of the Gospel.

Anyway, just wanted to add my two cents and thank you for your authenticity and courage in sharing your story. Prayed that God would bless you richly as you journey on. There are a lot of us cheering for you!

Charissa

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Nikki Mohamed October 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm

HA! The photo of you in the passenger seat did it for me! I cannot imagine that angst. I had to teach my husband how to drive a car. (He’d only driven motorcycles until he was 28.) And now since Mohamed is back in the states with his father, HE is the lucky duck to teach our son how to drive. I’m not worried about Ismail (14 y.o.) I swore that he’d not get to sit in the front seat until he’s 40 much less learn to drive. Bubblehead reached his foot over from the passenger side and clomped his big ole hoof on top of my foot on the accelerator a couple of years ago. Thank God I had the car in neutral or we’d have either taken out the garage or my neighbor’s truck with my Buick. *sigh*

Remember that it may be stressful during this time…but you can make it through without eating that stress. (And I hope your son has recovered 100% from his illness. <3 )
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Pam October 18, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Wonderful blog as usual! You never stop noticing all the amazingly normal l things you can do now–and neither do I! At my doctor’s office yesterday, I sat down in the little chair in the examining room, and was amazed that there was room to spare on both sides of me. I used to barely fit in those chairs, my fat would ooze out the open sides below the arms. I would hold down on teh arms as I got up, not only for support, but to make sure the chair didn’t stand up with me! Then I crossed my legs! WOW! I would usually wait for the doctor on the examining table–no arms there. But when I would lay down on that table to actually be examined, there was no place for my arms. They didn’t fit. My body took up the entire table! Yesterday, I didn’t even move to the examining table. All I did was discuss weight loss maintenance with my doctor (he recommended I try a green coffee bean extract coffee extract–a natural remedy–to try and alleviate some of the hunger pains that are threatening this maintenance thing I’ve got going on), and gave me a flu shot. The normal blood pressure cuff fits my arm now, although the nurse did ask if she was pinching me. That’s becuaue my excess upper arm flesh was peeking out, so ugly. I said, no it’s not pinching, that’s just my extra skin. Since that skin is no longer filled up with fat however, I no longer require the thigh cuff for my blood pressure, which was 132/74. And I achieved that reading, even though I am now off all but one of the 5 meds I used to take for the high blood pressure. Back when I was on all those meds, my BP would still routinely be 140/90! We need to never stop marveling at the small wonders of the normal world, as we lose weight. Never stop appreciating all we have regained, because if we do, just that fast, we could lost our admission ticket!
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Daphne October 19, 2012 at 3:53 am

Beautiful post! I remember when I was at my heaviest, I worked in a womens clothing store and I couldn’t fit any of the winter coats, not even the largest size! I went around wearing stretchy sweaters for while, until we got in one rogue shipment of coats that went up a size, and it fit, barely. So I went almost a whole winter without a coat, and it was terrible. This year I bought a brand new bright orange fall coat form a “normal” store!! It feels amazing doesn’t it?!?!
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gradualwisd0m October 30, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Sweetie, you are amazing and an inspiration to so many. I love reading about your adventure šŸ™‚
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Gen November 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm

The pic of you and your oldest is toooooo funny…..
You’re freaking out.
She’s looking at YOU instead of the road.
lmbo!!!
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Meta January 31, 2013 at 3:38 pm

I truly enjoyed your pleasure when buying that coat and fitting in that Hinda Fit. Good for you. Keep on having fun.

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Erica October 26, 2014 at 11:04 am

Your story is a great inspiration.
You look fantastic!
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Jessica September 27, 2015 at 2:36 pm

Holly, reading your adventure is quite emotional for me. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Everyone has challenges in life and not everyone is able to go about it the way you have. I’m not in the position you were, but I can feel the “give up” feelings from time to time. I can’t imagine what your mind was going through.

All best,
Jessica

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