The Rain

It was raining

Almost the whole week

My sunroom has a glass ceiling

And I sat on my couch and watched the water beating down

It reminded me of the beginning of my journey

Last summer

I had just had surgery and I weighed 417 pounds

Every single step was full of pain

I was filled with fear and hopelessness

My brother had showed me the way

He had given me the 30 seconds to victory plan

And now it was up to me to make it happen

Me?

The person who drops the children off at school

And rushes home to a gallon of chocolate chip mint ice cream?

And 2 bags of Reeses peanut butter cups?

Spends the day making her way through every episode of some tv show on Netflix?

Then crashes after the sugar high until it is time to pick the kids up from school?

That was my life

And now I’m supposed to be the one making things happen??

When my brother got on the plane

It was up to me

He had downloaded the IMapMyWalk app on my phone

So that my walks would be recorded and mapped out

He could see if I had done it

Or if I had flaked out

How far I had gone

Or didn’t go

That felt like pressure

But it’s called “accountability”

So out I went

Each day a little farther

Going from my mailbox to the one next door

That brought so much pain inside my lungs I wondered if I would make it back

But I kept going

Fighting through the pain

I felt so many things during those walks

I was so self conscious at times when I would see others out walking

When 80 year old walkers would pass me by

And then there was the heckler who yelled at me to go back in the house

Because I was too fat to be outside

But the physical pain I felt every single day

In my feet and my back

Was too much to bear anymore

And I knew the only way to get out of the pain

Was to lose weight

So I had to keep going

I had to get the weight off

I knew if I kept at it

If I didn’t quit

That I would get there

I literally talked to myself

Yelled at myself not to quit if I had to

I didn’t care if I looked like that crazy lady

Crying and talking to herself every  morning while she walked

Because the pain of my life was far greater

Than the pain of what others might think

With each passing day I got stronger mentally

I could go farther

I could breathe easier

“I’m really doing it“, I would think

And every day was a life or death choice

Because I was dying

This had nothing to do with fitting into a smaller pair of jeans

This was about cheating death

Death who had a set appointment already on the calendar

And it was staring me down

This was about being alive for my kids

Not leaving them behind

Pain is a great motivator

When the pain becomes so great that you can barely stand it

Because you can’t breathe without oxygen

And you have to sleep completely upright so you don’t suffocate under your own weight

When the thought of leaving your children behind

Because you chose food over them

When your feet are so swollen that you can’t even wear shoes

When you can’t take your children ANYWHERE because there are no seats left in the world

That you can fit in

When you are 1 inch away from not being able to drive the car

Because you no longer can cram your way into it even with the chair pushed all the way back

And when you look into your children’s eyes and tell them

“See you in the morning”

Knowing it might be a lie

When that pain becomes your every day reality

Then you will be ready to change

That’s where I was one year ago

So deep in the pain that my fear of dying out on the street during one of my walks

My fear of having a heart attack

Or buckling under my own weight

No longer mattered

“Who cares”, I thought to myself

If they find me face down on the sidewalk dead

Well at least I died TRYING

At least I went out fighting

So I walked

And nothing would stop me

Not even the rain

Because for me–mentally

One day off could mean the end

When you have my brain

All it takes is one day

And the excuses set in

The procrastination takes over

And when you’re dying

When you’re literally standing at the end of your life

And you know that there is nothing left for you but the waiting

Waiting for the heart attack to take you

When you get that desperate

That is when you’ll do whatever it takes

Rain or shine

Because walking in the rain

Is nothing compared to what will happen to you if you don’t

If you take the day off

Because one day becomes two

Two becomes three

Three becomes death

So I walked

Rain or shine

And something happened to me

Something changed inside me

Because I’m 400 pounds

And I’m sweating and I’m tired

And my chest is burning

And my legs are on fire

But I’m doing it

I’m out there

Just me and the rain

Because most people won’t go out in the rain

They don’t have to

They don’t need to

But I did

Because my life depended on it

And I thought to myself

I may weigh 400 some odd pounds

I may look ridiculous

I may be wet

And my glasses are full of so many raindrops I can barely see

But I’m doing it

I’m out here

I’m not letting anything stop me

I’m committed

I’m determined

I AM WINNING

I sent my brother this picture of me one day

Back when I first started this journey

And whenever I’m feeling discouraged

He sends it back to me

To remind me that at 400 pounds

I was a warrior!!

Once when it rained

I slipped in the mud

It takes a long time to get off the ground

When you’re 400 pounds

But I did

And while I wanted to turn around and go home

I kept soldiering on

Covered in mud

And this thought ran through my mind

I AM WINNING

I learned more from the rain

Than I did from any good weather day

The rain taught me to be fearless

The rain taught me to be committed

And the rain became my friend

Because it was in the rain that I learned how to win

It was in the mud

That I learned how to get up when I fall

And that I can choose to keep going

To ignore the hecklers

To ignore the weather

To ignore my fears

And soldier on

Sometimes it is in the rain that we learn just how far we are willing to go

To achieve victory

I’ve lost 180 pounds

And now I can wear my seatbelt

Fit in any chair

Sleep in my bed

I don’t lack for oxygen

I don’t suffocate at night

And when I tell my kids

“See you in the morning”

I mean it

So much of my pain is gone

But with it–a lot of motivation

You see–oddly enough

It gets harder the further out I am

Because I don’t have the pain

The 24 hour a day constant physical pain

Reminding me of how desperate I am to keep going

The fear of imminent death if I don’t get out there and make it happen

You become comfortable

And that is the most dangerous place to be

In the past two months I have struggled a lot

Struggled to find my motivation

To be consistent

I let one day off become two

Two become three

And suddenly I wonder

Maybe this is it

Maybe this is all I will ever be

And then it rained

It rained and rained and rained

And the next day…it rained again

I don’t go walking outside anymore

I don’t have to

I can walk on the treadmill now

A much cushier existence

Away from the elements

Away from the Texas summer heat

Or the rain that poured from the sky

Now the treadmill makes life easier

I couldn’t use it in the beginning

Because I exceeded the weight limit

By almost 200 pounds

But now I can

So I do

And in spite of how far I’ve come

I felt as if I’d lost that flame

That fire inside of me

That motivation I had in the beginning

Then it dawned on me

GO OUT IN THE RAIN

It was early

The kids were still asleep

And I was sitting on the couch drinking my coffee

Watching the rain beat down on the sunroom ceiling

And my thoughts wandered back to last summer

417 pounds walking in the rain

Falling and getting back up

Fighting this battle like my life depended on it

In that moment,  I realized that what I needed

Was some of THAT

I needed to walk that path again

Past the mailboxes

Past the neighbors houses

Past every crack in the sidewalk

And bump in the road

That I had walked last year

I needed to get back to the beginning

So I did

I went outside and I walked in the rain

And as I did

I was taken back in time

I could remember each mailbox

Each lightpole

How I had felt so out of breath

How it had been so much harder back then

And now I was breezing through it

I had come a long way

But I had forgotten my desperation

My pain

My fear

I had forgotten the look that death gave me

Taunting me

Chasing me with every step

Telling me to quit

And let it take me

But in those moments

I didn’t quit

Not even with the rain pouring down

And that was when I learned

That I have it in me to win

I did then

I do now

I just needed to remember

That the pain that used to drive me to walk in the rain

Is still out there

That death

Is still waiting

I can’t feel it now

Because I don’t need oxygen to sleep at night

I can wear my seatbelt and shoes and fit in chairs

I can go the mall and carry  my groceries in the house

Shop for clothes in a store and not the internet

And life seems pretty normal again

But if I allow myself to forget

That once upon a time

Going to the mailbox next door brought me to my knees

That not long ago at Sea World

The paramedics had to come save me

Because I almost had a heart attack

Because I couldn’t breathe

And right at the gate I was the 400 pound woman

Surrounded by paramedics and an ambulance

Trying not to die

I barely made it past the GATE

That is how far gone I was

Just walking from the parking lot to the gate

In the heat

In that body

Was more than I could bear

If I forget that

The pain

The misery

The fear

Then I am fooling myself

Because once I forget

Then I open the door once again

To go back to that life

AND I CAN NEVER GO BACK

The rain reminded me

Not just of the tears

Not just of the pain

But of the drive

The commitment

The dedication

And how it’s just as important now as it was then

Because rain doesn’t just come from the sky

Life will rain all over your life and drown you in it if you let it

It will cover your feet in mud

And flood every path you try to take

Until you just give up and let it take you under

Let it pull you down into the current

And drown you in a sea of life’s woes

It will keep you so far down in the dumps that you don’t ever want to get up again

Life will pour so much thunder and lightning and rainstorms down on you

That you’ll board up the windows and never leave the house again

That’s  when you need to remind yourself of why you’re doing this in the first place

You have to remember what brought you here

I remember

It was pain

The pain of leaving my children without a mother

The physical pain that every single second of the day brought

Trapped in the prison of that body

Crushed by my own weight

Pain brought me to the rain

And the rain taught me to perservere

The rain taught me to keep going

To not give up

Sometimes what we need is the rain

To remind us

That this journey is worth it

To not fear it

But to welcome it

And make it our own

That we can drown

Or we can swim

But it is in that moment where we decide to give up

Remain the same

Treading water but never moving forward

Or swim for it

This rain will become my playground

I’m not afraid

I’m not boarding up my windows and hiding

I’m going to stomp in the puddles

And dance in the rain

So let it fall

Because with every drop comes the stark reminder

That life is here for the taking

That the battle is yours to win or lose

When I got home

My son was awake

And when he saw me

He only said one word

“COOL”

That’s what he said!!

Because  his Mom was that crazy lady

Out walking in the rain

 

Not knowing if what poured down my face

Was sweat or rain or tears

But knowing this

I’m committed

I’m dedicated

I AM WINNING

Winning the battle

Come rain or shine

And today my son and I danced in the rain

 

We jumped in puddles

 

And laughed

And I picked him up in my arms

BECAUSE I CAN

And the reason I can do these things

Is because one day it rained

And I didn’t stay in bed

I walked anyway

And every time I faced adversity

I kept going

Today I was reminded

That we have to take each day as it comes

Rain or shine

And know that we can conquer it all

The hecklers

The mud

The rain

The burn

The pain

And when it’s all done

We can dance in the rain

Because we own our life

We no longer live in fear of it

I found my motivation

In a place I never thought to look

The rain

And now that I have found it

I’m back in the game

So throw off your raincoat

Because we don’t need a shield

We’re strong

We are warriors

We can fight the battle

And when it’s over

We’ll dance in the rain

Together

Knowing that while the battle was tough

We survived it

And in doing so

We learned how to dance in the rain