The Game of Life

September 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Sometimes I feel like my life is a game show

And I’m losing

In this game, buzzing in is always a risk

Because the only way not to lose points

Is not to play

When you hit the buzzer

Two things can happen

If you get it right, you get points

But if you get it wrong,you lose points

I’m the contestant always buzzing in

Whether I know the answer or not

But then there is the other contestant

And their strategy is far more astute

Far more brilliant

Because they never buzz in

They just wait for me to do it

And when I  get it wrong

They watch my points go down

While their points stay steady

If they get asked a question

They just pass it to me

And now I have to answer it again

If I get it wrong

Once again I lose points

While they sit there smiling

Watching my points go down

While their points stay the same

It’s a perfect strategy!

Just throw every competition

And let someone else take the hits

Because if I get enough questions wrong

And lose enough points

They win the game!

Not buzzing in

Passing on it all

And throwing every comp

They might have zero points in the end

While  I’ve been frantically buzzing in

Sweating over every question

I got a lot of them right!

But I got more of them wrong

So at the end of the game, the tally is this:

Me : NEGATIVE 50

Them: ZERO

But guess who wins in that game?

They do!

They win because while I hit the buzzer at every turn

While I NEVER ‘passed’ on anything

They sat there relaxed

Passing

Never hitting the buzzer

And while they never racked up any points

They never did anything to count against them either

So at the end

Their record is clean

While my record is all marked up with mistakes and wrong answers

I’m exhausted and worn out and frustrated

While they’re crowned  the winner

This is how I feel many times

When it comes to being a single parent

You see, last night I spent a good 8 hours in the Emergency Room with all four of my children

You know these days are going to come

You have four children and you’re alone

Eventually the perfect storm will hit

And all of them will get sick at once

Luckily that didn’t happen THIS time

I got lucky

And only two of them were having issues

And it was my older two

Savannah came down with severe flu symptoms

She had been vomiting all day long and I was worried she was dehydrated

To add to my concern, she had been bit by a mosquito 3 days ago

And there have been diagnosed cases of the West Nile Flu Virus here

And secondly, there was Annabelle

About two months ago, Annabelle complained to me that her toe hurt

She didn’t know why but thought she might have banged it against something

But the next day, she told me she was fine

And that was the end of it

Last night as Savannah was sick with the flu

Annabelle suddenly began complaining of severe pain in her toe again

So I packed all four of my kids in the car and we headed to the Emergency Room

They all had long days at school

I knew we were facing a long night

Because Emergency Rooms are usually packed

Many long hours later, Savannah was in a room with an IV being given phenergan to help with the nausea

She was cleared from the West Nile Flu Virus (thankfully)

But told she had a regular flu virus (already?)..yep..it’s that time of year again!

Annabelle’s toe was x-rayed

And it came back fractured

Not only was it fractured

But it had been fractured since two months ago when she first complained of it

And then the bone had tried to heal itself

But that  created more problems because it had not healed correctly

Why…you say???

Because I didn’t bring her in when it first happened

So they could put her in an orthopedic shoe right away

You see, I buzzed in and made a bad call

I didn’t realize it was fractured

I forgot that this is my child who at 6 years old fractured her wrist roller skating

And only complained of a mild pain for 5 minutes before not mentioning it again for a week

Annabelle is tough

And I have to remember that

I have to remember that if Annabelle mentions one time that something might hurt ‘slightly’

It’s probably broken

The doctor said that because we did not address it right away

She may need surgery

But we will try this orthopedic shoe for 3 weeks first to see

So here we are at the very beginning of middle school

And Annabelle has to hobble around in an orthopedic shoe for 3 weeks

Unable to play sports

Because I failed to take her for an x-ray when she first mentioned it to me 2 months ago

When the doctor looked at me sternly

And told me I had dropped the ball

Annabelle gave me a look and said “Thanks Mom” with sarcasm dripping off each word

I know she was just kidding around

But I felt once again

Like the contestant on the game show

Who buzzes in at every question

And gets most  of them wrong

While the other contestant takes a pass on everything

And comes out smelling like a Rose

Today was picture day at school

And after 8 hours in the ER and getting about 2 hours of sleep

I woke up late

My kids frantically trying to get ready ON picture day

With only 10 minutes to spare

And I hadn’t filled out any of the picture forms

The kids were frustrated and worried they would not get their pictures made without the forms

I furiously filled everything out while trying to do the “cool” hair for CJ and pull together Charlotte’s bow

I managed to get them to school but missed the tardy bell by 2 minutes

They were late

And when I get home, I have a voicemail from the school telling me I failed to put any money in their picture packets!!!

Yep–there I go again

Hitting the buzzer

And getting it wrong

Once again, I’m looking like the parent that can’t get anything right

Another mark on my record

More points taken from my tally

Being a parent is hard

You get some of it right

And more of it wrong

You drop the ball

You make the wrong calls

And then you find yourself in a hospital room with a doctor telling you

That your child may need surgery

Because YOU buzzed in and got it wrong

Who will Annabelle remember as the parent that did NOT take her for an x-ray when it first happened?

ME

Who will she remember as the parent that was sitting in that hospital room getting lectured by a doctor for failing their child?

ME

It doesn’t matter that I tried

It doesn’t matter that I buzzed in

It doesn’t matter that I was there

What is often remembered—are the wrong answers

The mistakes

The screw-ups

But Daddy can fly in on a weekend and take everyone to the water park, throw a few presents their way, and then hop a flight and say “See you in 3 years”

His record is clean

If you never buzz in

If you’re never there to screw it up

If you always take a pass

Then you can’t be remembered for getting any of it wrong

Today I feel like despite the fact that I’m the only one playing the game

The only one buzzing in

I still have the lower score

Because I’m here

When I was 19, I really didn’t like my Mom very much

We had a lot of fights

A lot of arguments

She was never letting me do what I wanted

She was always trying to control me

That’s how I felt at the time

I have a lot of memories of things my Mom did that I didn’t like

Decisions she made that I felt hurt me in some way

But you know what?

She was there

Every single day

Until the moment she took her last breath

And because she was always there

Always buzzing in

Never taking a pass

She had a lot more stress in her life

A lot more mistakes

A lot more negative feedback from me

But now I get it

It’s tough being a parent

It’s tough always hitting the buzzer when you don’t always know the answer

It’s tough getting the criticism when you screw it up

And watching someone else take a pass and keep their record clean

And right now I feel like a failure

Because last night in the Emergency Room

I had two children in two different hospital rooms

And I had to choose where to go

 

I’m not sure I can explain what that feels like as a Mom

To have to choose which child you will sit with in the hospital

Because I love ALL my children

And I never want any of them to feel that I play favorites

Or that they are somehow less deserving of anything but my full attention

But there I was again

With the buzzer in front of me

And I had to make a choice

I had to hit the buzzer and give an answer to the nurse

I went with Annabelle because she is 11

And Savannah is 16

But Savannah was really sick

She was throwing up and she had a fever and she was alone

She was alone because there is only one of me and four of them

And I had to take my 8 and 9 year old with me into Annabelle’s room

And try to get them to stop fighting over some app on the phone

And tell them to stop complaining about being hungry and tired

And listen to a doctor tell me how I screwed up by not bringing her in for an x-ray sooner

And wish he would lecture me faster so I could get back to Savannah

Laying in a hospital bed vomiting into a pail with an IV in her arm— alone

I finally got back to her

And she wasn’t really happy with me either

Why would she be?

She understood I had no choice

That I can’t split myself into two bodies

That it’s just me here trying to do this on my own

There is no hologram I can throw out there so that I can be in two places at once

But none of that matters

Because Savannah doesn’t deserve to be alone

She’s 16 years old

And she’s been by my side helping me from the moment her father walked out the door

With barely a complaint

At 9 years old, Savannah was changing diapers and making bottles

She was burping babies and changing sheets

And washing clothes and fixing dinner

Savannah became a parent at age 9

When her father decided all of this wasn’t “fun” anymore

And because she is independent and responsible and the oldest

She gets to lie alone in a hospital room with an IV in her arm while she throws up

All because I buzzed into a game

That I can never win

So I drove home from the hospital after 8 hours with 4 unhappy children

One who had spent the entire night alone and was still nauseous

One with a fractured toe that will probably need surgery because her mom didn’t take her in soon enough

And two tired children who never got dinner, didn’t get to do their homework, and had to be still and quiet for 8 hours

You know that sound you hear when you’ve lost a game

When someone on the Price Is Right

Gets it ALL wrong and loses everything

 

Well that’s me today

And whenever I feel like this

I want to drive to McDonald’s and get one of everything

Then make a pit stop at Sonic and get two of everything

And just for good measure head to Dairy Queen

And get three of everything

But instead I am sitting here drinking my coffee

And talking to you

About how I SUCK!

I’ve learned that it is tough work dealing with how you feel

Instead of eating it

But if I eat everything I want to

I’ll just gain 5 or 10 pounds

And then when I workout tomorrow

It will be 10 times as tough

So I’ll suffer through it

Because I know that in spite of what I am feeling right at this moment

In spite of my failures as a mother

And there are many

The sun will come out tomorrow

It’s cheesy, I know

But at this moment in time

The only person I can think of to quote

Is Little Orphan Annie

She had it right though

It’s a hard-knock life….that’s true

But the sun WILL come out tomorrow

And whatever mistakes I have made

At least I buzzed in

At least I tried

I’m not a perfect parent

I never will be

But I will never stop trying

I will never take a pass

My kids will know I was there

And that I tried my best

And I hope when I’m gone

They can look back on my life

And know I gave it everything I had

It’s September

My mother’s birthday month

And I look back on my mother’s ‘record’

On her performance in the game of life

And I no longer see mistakes

I just see that she showed up to the game

That she buzzed in every single time

And right or wrong–she was there

I don’t see the score

I only see her love

I hope one day

My children will expunge my record

My mistakes and failures

And instead just remember that I tried

Just remember that I showed up

I buzzed in every time even if I got it wrong

And I hope they won’t see the score

Just the love

And so I’ll rest in that today

Instead of brownies

Because if that’s what they will feel about me in the end

It will be much more sweet than any dessert could ever taste

 

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.”  2 Corinthians 4:18 (The Message Version)

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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

Adelyn September 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Holly,

Your kids will remember that you showed up for them. They will remember that you were there for good, bad, worse, and very rotten. They will remember that dad “just” flew in to go to the water park.

And you know this I would guess…and it is totally ok to feel differently now. What is so cool about this story (I am sure you think I am crazy…but hang on) is that you are FEELING it. Not eating it, not avoiding it, not ….. you are walking toward the pain and stress and will be victorious on the other side of it. WILL. BE. VICTORIOUS.

Parenting is tough…even if you aren’t a single parent. When I was in 3rd grade I broke my leg, but my mom and dad decided it wasn’t broken. After I did not leave the chair–even to go to the bathroom–for 28 hours my father took me to the ER to learn that I had one of the worst fractures ever. And I was in a cast for 18 months. I was so mad at them for a long time…but not forever. And now as a parent I totally get it. There are times that I think my daughter needs to be seen and it is nothing and I get the lecture about being too careful. Then there are times I wait and get the lecture for not bringing her in. (We need more compassion and fewer lectures, huh?!?!)

Hang in there…you are in the midst of the storm…but we know the One that calms the hearts of those in the storm. Hugs.
Adelyn recently posted..What I Focus on GrowsMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Thanks Adelyn!! I’m so sorry that happened to you! Oh my goodness! How tough it must have been for you to be in a cast 18 months. Well if you can be so forgiving towards your parents for that then surely there is hope for me!! Thank you so much for sharing that with me!

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Deidra September 5, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Sweet girl…I cried through another of your posts. Why? Because I can so relate to how you are feeling. I have a son who is 34 years old, whose dad left us when he was 10. Messed up and messed up and messed up BIG time, but I was there…buzzing in…day after day….alone. Now I am raising my 7 year old daughter alone after her dad walked out two years ago. Ghosts from past failures mix with dread of future screw ups. I just pray that God will help me be the best Mom I can be to her, while trying to accept that I will mess up. When we play the game, that’s what happens. I’m so proud of you for sharing your heart and working through these emotions instead of eating them. Hang in there…the sun will come out tomorrow and better days are ahead.

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Lady Amanda September 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm

You did the best that you could in a bad situation. Our kids will not understand everything that we do for them until they become a parent. So until then we just have to keep plugging away. I hate that Savannah is soo sick- but hopefully in a few days she will be back to her perky self. As for Annabelle- we can just pray and hope that she won’t need surgery. I am sure she will get tons of attention from the kids at school because of being in the boot- and she will love the fact that she is missing GYM. 🙂 Because I don’t know one child that actually likes going to Gym. LOL. Don’t be hard on yourself- just think, you were able to run back and forth between the rooms and a year ago you wouldn’t have been able to do that. You held up to 8 hours in the ER and still had the energy left to get everyone up and ready for school in the morning. That is amazing. You are doing a great job and are a fantastic mom and they are lucky to have you. Sending Get Well Wishes your way and hoping the rest of you do not catch what Savannah has. Love you!

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Teri Carter September 6, 2012 at 9:12 pm

so very true Amanda. “you were able to run back and forth between the rooms and a year ago you wouldn’t have been able to do that. You held up to 8 hours in the ER and still had the energy left to get everyone up and ready for school in the morning” A NSV despite the icky circumstance.
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Ronda September 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm

You absolutely did the best you could with the resources you have. None of us know what we would do until we are faced with that situation. Believe me, your kids will remember that you were the one there with them when they needed a parent. They get more than we give them credit for.
I still look back and laugh at the time I was rushing the kids around to get ready because we were going to be late for our class at the rec. center. I was yelling at them and practically shoving them out the door. When we arrived at the rec center, the lady at the desk told me “um, that class was yesterday”. Ha! i felt like a jerk for sure, but we all got over it.

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Anna September 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

My eyes teared up when I read through your ordeal……taking and dealing with kids in the ER is SO STRESSFUL (let alone 2 at one time, good grief!!). And GOOD FOR YOU for staying strong and working through that stress. Hoping your daughters are better today and tonight is lots less stressful than last night! {{HUGE HUGS}}

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jennxaz September 5, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I can so relate! I did not take Johnny in when he said his ear hurt..I just thought it was swimmers ear…when I finally did take him in his eardrum had busted—not mom of the year for that move. We are not perfect…we do what we think is best…sometimes its wrong…but luckily you finally did take them both in and they are going to be fine. Don’t beat yourself up over this because from what I understand….we (as moms) will have more of these instances!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 5, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Oh I’m so sorry for your son but glad to know I’m not alone!!! I felt like the worst Mom ever!! Thanks for sharing that with me. It makes me feel like Im not alone!

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Sheila September 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I just read your reply to Adelyn, and YES there is HOPE for you!!! There always was and there always will be. I’ve “buzzed in” the wrong answer too, many many times, but each one becomes a learning moment not only for me, but for my kids. Because I’m NOT the perfect parent (does that exist?) And they know that Mom and Dad are human and humble and we do make mistakes. I was crying for you and that feeling of wanting to be in two places at once with both girls NEEDING you to be at their side. I understand the frustration, but you did the best you could under the circumstances. Tomorrow is a new day indeed. Hugs!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 5, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Thanks Sheila! You’re right. The perfect parent doesn’t exist. I need to remember that I’m never going to be perfect and try to forgive myself for my failings. Darn that is hard!!! But I am so thankful for the reminders my blog friends leave me. Thank you!!

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Anele @ Success Along the Weigh September 5, 2012 at 5:42 pm

You know what I remember about my mom when my dad decided his attempt at parenting wasn’t fun anymore when I was 8? I remember a woman who sacrificed to give me the best she could, who was 75% and 25% friend when the situations warranted, who made it despite HIM and his lack of help. My guess is your children are going to feel the same about you, if they don’t already…even when you *think* you’ve dropped the ball.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 5, 2012 at 5:49 pm

This made me cry. THANK YOU!!!

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Elizabeth September 5, 2012 at 7:38 pm

We had a similar toe situation a month ago! It turned out fine. The thing is dr should not judge, she stopped complaining about it so how could your know?? Its sooo hard!! I think you are doing great! I am glad savannah seems to be doing better!! Hooray for back to school germs!

I can also relate to the sarcastic “thanks mom”…. my 10.5 yr old seems to be dripping with it lately!! Gotta love it!
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Caron September 5, 2012 at 8:02 pm

You so DON’T suck. I’ve been in your spot except with two kids instead of four. Daddy is working out of town for two months at a time and breezes through with an arm load of presents, smiling and acting like Santa Claus and I’m was the one who always was messing up with things. Hang in there Holly, as it will never be easy. 🙂
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Connie September 5, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Holly,

There are so many things I want to say to you after reading this post.

First, I am in AWE of you! Raising four children on your own! You have been put into a difficult situation and you are doing fantastic! Sure, there are moments when it feels like you aren’t rising to the occasion, but I really believe as humans we are harder on ourselves than anyone else would be.

And, excuse my language – THAT DOCTOR CAN SUCK IT! I think MANY MANY parents would have done exactly the same thing you did – thought a hurt toe was no big deal and not taken their child into an ER for an evaluation. My blood was boiling when I read that!

It frustrates me too to read that your ex flies in and is suddenly the hero, while you have to do all the real parenting. How, how does a parent just walk away from their kids and their responsibility??? SO UPSETTING!

But, know this – you are the constant. And one day, they will recognize that, even if they don’t always right now. You were the one who was there. You were the one who stayed by their sides. You were the one who sacrificed for them. They will appreciate it all so much one day – and they will tell you that – and hopefully it will all feel worth it!

Finally, I so needed to hear the encouragement about finding other ways to deal with feelings. I drown my feelings in McDonald’s – and sadly it makes me feel better. I have a LONG way to go on my weight loss journey – and I will never make it if I don’t learn to deal with emotional eating. It is so much harder than I want it to be – I guess I just have to decide to do it, and then do it!

You are AWESOME! AND, you are winning! You are winning the game of life! Keep playing!
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Staci September 5, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Don’t tell me this story, Holly. Four days ago Carley’s toe was a little swollen and she has complained of pain every day. But it’s not red, she’s walking, etc. So I decided it must be fine, and they don’t “do anything” for a broken toe anyway, right? Okay, thanks a bunch. I feel like crap with you now, mkay?! 🙂
Did you listen to my daughter’s recital song? Go to youtube and look up Aubree Moize if you didn’t. Let is speak to you. It’s called “Like I was His Only Child.” I can SO RELATE to that song! I can’t imagine how you feel and get things done. I have a husband, and I still very frequently feel inadequate. I always feel like someone is getting left out, not getting the right amount of attention, someone is feeling unloved at the moment. It’s so tough! I would’ve felt like a dog at the ER leaving one kid puking alone, even if they were older. But I would’ve felt equally horrible to let my younger kid fend for themselves! Sheesh!
Your kids will, at this age, enjoy money, gifts, and fun trips. When they are full-grown adults, they will enjoy meaningful talks on the phone with the woman who sacrificed everything to raise them. They are smart. They are still kids, so they enjoy the love and bribes and trickeries, but they won’t be small forever. They will see and know the truth. And it will be YOU who they turn to for support, advice, love, friendship, etc. You just wait and see.
So phooey on McD’s and BK and DQ and Taco Haites. 🙂 They can’t help you anyway. Cross Fit can help you, physically and emotionally. Your bloggy buds can help and encourage you. Your kids can smile and melt all your cares away. Those places will just make you further irritated. You already know that.
Love ya!
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Ronnie September 6, 2012 at 12:50 am

When they get a little older and realize who was always there and who’s an extremely part-time parent, they will appreciate you. (Much like you did your mom.)

I pray none of them ever have to be a single parent, but if they ever are… they’ll know even more how much you sacrificed every single day.

Have no worries!
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VHMPrincess September 6, 2012 at 1:33 am

Your kids will remember who was there to press the buzzer – and they know there is only one of you and that you are doing your best. That is what counts. When you need them, or when they really need someone, you are who they will pick and you will be who they will be with. You are such an inspiration. You are amazing.

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Cheri September 6, 2012 at 7:01 am

It almost seems to me like it’s Murphy’s law, if you take the child in to have (broken bone/ear infection/fever/fill in the blank) checked, you are told you didn’t need to bring them in yet. If you don’t, then you should have…and are told THAT. I cannot TELL you how MANY MANY times this has been true for me. Same doctor has nagged me either way. In the ER you don’t get to pick your doc, unfortunately. What a bozo – like that was helpful in any way at that point?? I try to remember that many people talented in the skills that make them good surgeons, lack people skills. When I’m feeling generous. ;-D

Anyway, I do think often at these times how hard it would be to be a single parent, because the ability to vent to a supportive co-parent helps keep me sane. And even with a spouse to vent to, I go through feeling like I’m “losing the game” often too. I was so moved by your blog, not because I have a bozo playing the game next to me who isn’t buzzing in, but because I do feel like I get all the answers wrong. I do sometimes want to just NOT buzz in, because I’m tired of being wrong. Thanks for the encouragement, reminding me what matters most is that we are faithful, that we don’t stop “playing the game”. We keep trying and trying and trying.

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Amanda September 6, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I didn’t read through all the comments so I’m sure I’m repeating but NO parent has a clean record….not even your husband. He isn’t willingly buzzing in but he’s making decisions. He’s making decisions NOT to be involved, NOT to be there at your children’s side and if you think for ONE MINUTE that your kids don’t realize that those are his choices, you’re wrong. You’re doing the best you can do…your children feel that from you. The toe – every parent has done this. Even if you had brought her in, they would’ve taped one toe to the other and sent her home. It’s a TOE. Your oldest daughter grew up too fast, it’s true but you’re there for her now and that’s what matters and she gets that too. As an adult, she’s not going to blame YOU for having to do that, she’s going to blame her dad… kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Be there, keep buzzing in because it’s the buzzing in that reminds our kids how much they’re loved. You’re a great mom. I know we don’t always feel like we’re the best parents we can be…and it’s usually during these ridiculously trying times that it peaks. ((HUGS))
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Thanks Amanda!!! All things I needed to hear today. And I could almost hear you saying…”It’s a TOE!!!” hahahaha….ok…I feel better now!! I just needed some candylandtobandyland straight talk!!! LUV you!

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Cathy September 6, 2012 at 2:02 pm

If it makes you feel any better:

My Dad is a surgeon. At 16, I injured my knee. For a full YEAR, I hopped around on crutches. Dad brought them home from some medical supply place, since he didn’t think I needed to see another doctor…besides him. My leg still wasn’t working. Dad was still saying there really wasn’t anything much wrong with me. He had “seen much worse” and he was pretty sure I was exaggerating.

Until the day my Mom was fed up and took me to see an orthopedic surgeon…behind Dad’s back. Guess what? My knee was totally shot (“shredded,” the dr said), and within the week, they had scheduled major reconstructive surgery.

My Dad never even said sorry. He shrugged and said, “Well, I guess there WAS something wrong.” He said even doctors don’t know everything and he offered himself as proof.

Dad and I are still speaking (more than 25 years after this incident) and there’s no ill-will between us.

With kids of my own, now I know more than ever that it really is okay not to be God. He knows everything. We don’t. He never makes mistakes. I do it every day. And the more I settle in with not knowing everything (not even *close* to everything), the less I can be snookered into the idea that I SHOULD know everything.

You’re normal. Human, limited, finite, like all of us. And exactly the right parent for your kids, who – I have no doubts – will remember a Mom who never gave up. Not on herself, and not on them.

There’s no life without buzzing in. Period. Either you’re buzzing in, or you’re dead.

Amanda, you are so right about this: “He isn’t willingly buzzing in but he’s making decisions. He’s making decisions NOT to be involved, NOT to be there at your children’s side…”

THAT, they *will* remember. And not in the good way.

Cheering you on,

Cathy

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Thanks Cathy for sharing this with me. Made my day! I’m sorry to hear about your knee but have to admit it made me feel better to know I’m not the only parent who has screwed that one up. I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me tat story. And I totally agree with what you said. There is no life without buzzing in. I guess we win some and we lose some. I’m so relieved to know that I’m not the only one dropping the ball a lot of times. But you are right. I’m human. Just have to remind myself of that and stop thinking I’m supposed to get it perfect all of the time!!

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Karin September 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm

As a mom with grown children I can tell you they don’t stay mad forever.
You have to remember that by losing the weight-you were ABLE to take them to the hospital. You were able to be there for them. That shows a lot.
We all as parents have moments we regret. You are a mom with 4 kids-anyone would expect times when you don’t get it perfect. BUT you are there and that speaks VOLUMES! Don’t forget it ever….

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Thanks Karin!! And is that your grandbaby in the pic? CUTE!!!

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Wendie September 6, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Your kids will know one day and they will be forever grateful. I believe it’s part of the cycle of life. I know that I called my mom specifically one day just to say sorry, sorry for being a spoiled rotten kid. Sorry for everything that I had ever put her through because now I get it! Just like I hope & pray for with my oldest & her dad…that someday she’ll realize that “Disneyland” dad just didn’t really play the game.

Take your moment (we all need one sometimes) and then buzz in again. We can only do our best and raise them as we see fit.
Wendie recently posted..It’s OfficialMy Profile

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Linda Kuil September 7, 2012 at 10:54 am

They’ll remember that through it all, the good, the bad and the ugly, YOU were there for them. You can’t BUY love, no matter how much money you thow at it. You have earned your kids respect, which means so much more than a trip to a waterpark.

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Mercy September 8, 2012 at 4:28 am

You can’t blame yourself for not being able to be in two places at once. As a single mom, you are already doing everything. You can’t possibly do more. We all fail in our parenting at times, but I think in the long run, kids remember more that we were there for them than that we messed up. At least I hope that is what mine will remember.
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Paula September 12, 2012 at 3:08 am

Holly I just wanted to chime in with my own horrible mother story for you. My son came to me after a football game and said some kid hit him in the elbow. I looked it over and figured it was just bruised. This was in oct by may .yes of the following year he came and again complained that some kid hit that elbow and it hurt……well, seems like he had torn off the tendon and needed tommy John surgery to repair”…. Ugh. Poor guy was out of sports for over six months due to my inaction. He is fine now and seems to bear me no ill will!! Life is tough and being a mother is tougher! Hang in there

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Julia September 18, 2012 at 3:12 am

I only have one daughter and pregnant with #2- but I know as well as you do that parenting with all of your effort is so worth it. SO hard some days- i haven’t had the all night ER experience- pray I never have to but know I probably will. Being a mother and showing your kids how much you love them is the best gift you give them- whether they see it on many days or not 😉

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Amanda November 3, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Boy, can I relate to this one! We had that same situation, my ex moving in with another women, then our divorce finalized 10 days before his deployment. When his tour was finished he moved in with ANOTHER women, less than 2 miles from our house. He got home the Friday before Fathers day, and didn’t see them until that Sunday afternoon for 2 hrs. I would have had them there at the welcome home ceremony, but he wouldn’t even tell me when it was. I got to read it in the paper. Then they didn’t see him again until August. AND HE LIVED TWO MILES AWAY! I practically begged him to visit his kids, hell, I offered to pay for him to take them to dinner, movies, I EVEN OFFERED TO PAY HIS GAS MONEY! Nada. Nothing. Zilch. And not only was he NOT paying child support, he decided (since I had stupidly never thought to remove his name from the utility accounts, although I had been paying them for years) when he moved back to our neighborhood, instead of starting new utility accounts at his new address, and paying all those pesky deposits, he simply called the power, gas, and water companies, and had them move the services FROM MY HOUSE TO HIS NEW LOVE SHACK/APARTMENT! One of the hottest summers on record, with two crying kids hanging on my legs, and I had utility crew guys at my door, trying to understand why I was sobbing and arguing with them. It cost me $650 in deposits to get all the new utilities back on in my name. But, hey, it’s all good, because the next time they saw their dad he bought them movies, and toys, and took them swimming. Shmuck!

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