Derailed

September 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

I will never forget one Christmas in the late 90’s

I had only been married a few years at the time

And someone commented that my mother in law’s dog looked as if she had lost weight

She replied that she had put her dog on the Iams Dog food diet

And it had worked really well

So much so

That she was considering putting me on it too

My weight made me a second class citizen

Free pass to take shots at me

My worth was determined by my weight

Even after I lost 104 pounds in 2004

Still not good enough

It’s exhausting never being good enough

So I quit

I gained all 104 pounds back plus some

We are responsible for how we choose to handle our life

How we choose to react or respond to the situations we face

We have the power to rise above

Or sink within

And no one can cause us to go back to the food

They can’t push us into a sea of donuts

We allow that to happen

When we choose to believe the lies

The lies that we are not good enough

Whether that message is coming from inside your own head

Or from someone else’s mouth

IT IS A LIE

You are good enough

At 600 pounds or 100 pounds

Because your worth is not determined by your weight

 

And while I know all of these things

I still find myself…sinking back into that pattern anyway

Believing that my worth is determined by that number on the scale

And changing that way of thinking

Will apparently take more than 13 months

After what happened the other day

I let all my past insecurities

All the past comments

All the past hurts and condemnation

Come down on me like a jackhammer

I did exactly what I did in 2004

I decided to quit

I’m not proud of it

But I’m going to be honest

Because this is the battle we all face

The moment where you are faced with a crossroads

And you choose the wrong path

Do you know what I’ve been doing for the past week?

Wallowing in depression

Like someone who has been programmed to always react in the same way

I began the downward spiral

Questioning all of reality

Looking at myself in pictures

Doubting if anyone could even tell there was a change in me

This is hard to admit

It doesn’t make me sound smart or mature or like someone who has made any level of emotional progress

But I ate what I wanted most of the week

I slept in

I didn’t go to Crossfit

And I even dug out a pair of jeans that are one size UP from the ones I’m wearing

And I put them on

I put on the bigger size of jeans that don’t fit me and I wore them all week

Because I could eat whatever I wanted and they wouldn’t feel tight

Granted I can’t eat a lot because of my surgery

But I can still do plenty of damage if I try

Things got worse

The kids were sick

Annabelle fractured her toe

Savannah had the flu

And the pipe on the side of the house burst

I had yet another plumbing tragedy to deal with

A giant bill that I have to pay for the pipes

Which will set my budget back a pretty penny for awhile

So the black cloud just rolled on in

And I let it

I always give the power away eventually

Something happens and in an instant

I let the circumstances of life control my mood

Or I let someone else control how I feel about ME

I went back to my old patterns

And I believed the lies

Nothing I do matters

I’m not making any progress

I’ve lost 180 pounds and I’m still obese

I coud lose 200 and guess what?

Still obese

Still shopping in plus size stores

So who cares

Just give up

That’s what I’ve been thinking all week long

So now you know

It’s been one big long giant pity party

And I’m not going to lie

Because this IS who I am

This is how I react to things

Irrationally at times

And it’s scary

That I could work so hard for this long

And then allow one person’s opinion of me to wield this kind of power over my life

I’ve lost 180 pounds in the past 13 months

And this week I gained back FIVE

FIVE POUNDS IN ONE WEEK

Because I gave up

I bought ALL THE LIES

Every last one of them

And I gave up

I quit everything

Except that while I quit Crossfit

They didn’t quit me

My Coach, Diana Tyler

Called me and said that God has a plan for my life

And it doesn’t involve quitting

She offered to help me in any way possible so that I could keep coming

Two of the ladies I workout with

Offered to help me too

They reached out in an effort to  keep me from quitting

WHAAAT????

Who does this?

What gym calls you at home and tells you not to give up?

What coach calls you and offers to help?

What members contact you when they hear you’re not coming back so that you will get back out of bed and return?

And it’s true that with the plumbing tragedy

My budget is tight

But the bigger issue?

The voices in my head telling me I’m not good enough

This is what I look like sometimes at Crossfit

 

You see everyone kicking butt??

Doing pull ups?

And there I am

On the floor off to the side

Because I can’t do pull ups

I’m doing something else

I think they’re called Mountain Climbers

But I look more like a commercial for Life Alert

You know the one…

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”

I looked at this picture

And once again the voices in my head say

I’m fat

I’m weak

I’m an embarrassment

I’m making a fool out of myself

I’m ridiculous

And nothing I’ve done in the past year matters

It’s not real

So just go back to bed

Go back to sleep

Go back to food

I just think

Maybe all this success I think I’ve had  is all in my head

Because  I’m still FAT.

Maybe that’s just who I am.

All I will ever be.

So I quit and gave up

Just like I did in 2004

But this time it’s different

Because apparently I don’t go to a gym

I thought I did

But I don’t

Crossfit is not like any gym I’ve ever been to at least

It’s more like a hospital

Where you go to get stronger

It’s more like a team

Where they come back for you if you fall

Today Merrily wrote me a message

And this is what it said

And then she added

“I’m prepared to carry you over the finish line”

And you know what?

I believe she could!!

Because she’s been at Crossfit for 4 months now

She’s lost 3 inches in her waist and 4.5 inches in her hips.

She’s gone from deadlifting barely 45 lbs to 215 lbs

So if she had to carry me over that finish line….she could!!

When I told Amanda I was quitting

She wrote me this

“I think we both agree that you finding Crossfit was no mistake. You have definitely lost weight since going- and you are losing weight in areas that you haven’t dropped weight before.You are now carrying 40 pound things of dog food because of the strength that you now have.  You have had fun times there.  You have pushed yourself harder than ever while there with those ladies.  Honestly, while you have been going to crossfit you have seemed happier than you have in years.  Like pumped up and excited about life.   I do know that in the workout pictures you look tired, sweaty, but filled with pride and joy.  You are kicking butt with your strength now…don’t give up on it.”

 

Susan also emailed me a message of encouragement

Reminding me of how I got started on this journey to begin with

When I felt no motivation and discouraged

My brother taught me that 30 seconds is all you need

To be on your way to victory

Susan reminded me of this

Take it one day at a time, one afternoon, one hour, one minute…. Whatever seems like a reasonable goal to get past the ickiness that you may be in the middle of now and move past it to the beautiful life you and God are working on together.

When you are in the pits of depression

And the voices in your head are kicking you around

And the enemy is telling you that you can’t do anything right

Reminding yourself to take it one day at a time

30 seconds at a time

Can make what seems insurmountable

Manageable again

These are the times I miss my mother the most

She never let me stay in bed crying

Without calling to tell me that it would be ok

And that I had the strength inside me to go on

I haven’t talked to my Mom on the phone in a long time

I used to call her number and just listen to it ring

Hoping a miracle would happen and I’d get a phone line into heaven

I have not heard her voice on the phone in 2 years this December

But today Diana called me

And told me something my mother used to say

She said when you’re under attack from the enemy

Tell him to GO TO HELL!!!!!!! (Matthew 16:23)

I kid you not

That was a quote straight out of my mother’s mouth

And when she said that

I knew

Those words were meant to find me

My mother was not a quitter

She was a fighter

And so am I

I’m going to fight this

I’m going to fight my way back

This will not be the end of my story

Tomorrow is a new day

And I will not react

I will respond

With logic and rational thought

I will tell the voices in my head

And the enemy

To go straight to hell!

Yes I got off track

I gained back 5 pounds

I had a bad week

But that’s only the end if I choose it

So I’ll say this for the enemy

Good try.  You almost had me that time

He’s crafty (2 Corinthians 2:11)

I’ll give him that

But our team is stronger than the enemy’s

And if God is for us

Who can be against us? (Romans 8:31)

The truth is you will fall

I’ve done it before

I’ll do it again

But no matter how far you fall

As long as you’re still breathing

There is time to get back up

And start again

So here I go

Who’s with me?

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{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

cindy September 13, 2012 at 10:38 am

I have been praying for you and this battle. Don’t give up, don’t stop… you are inspiring people you may not even know about. You are so worth it! You are so much more then a measly 5 pounds you gained back. You are an amazing women who has done way more then lose weight.

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Linda Kuil September 13, 2012 at 11:07 am

I’m now not surprised why your ex is the way he is- he comes from a line of ignorant, nasty people! And you can’t quit on your kids. Remember how great THEIR life has been since losing 180 ‘EFFING pounds???!!!??? Everyone is allowed a moment now and again to think about how far tehy have to go, now it’s time to focus on how far you’ve COME!! Look at that picture of you in the hospital room after your surgery. Do you still feel like that person? You couldn’t possibly be feeling anything like that, but I understand even though you lost 180 pounds, you still feel the weight of it on your soul sometimes. You are not that person anymore and you have so many people that obviously will never allow you to go back. Now, put one foot in front of the other, fake it ’til you make it, believe and achieve, etc., etc. YOU GOT THIS!

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Amanda September 13, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I’m with you! We all have setbacks. And I want you to think back to a previous post about having no friends…I think you were WAY off on that one. You listed no less than 5 people in this post who care about you and see more in you than you see in yourself. THAT is huge! I hope your next post is about you rocking it at Crossfit and rising above the garbage that is occupying your mind. We can do this!
Amanda recently posted..In The News & Checking In 9-13-12My Profile

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Kelliann September 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I love this post. You will never give up – not really. You are WAY too strong for that…
and FYI – I think mountain climbers are just as hard as pullups – they are a b*tch!!! 🙂
Kelliann recently posted..Thursday, No, Wednesday… dammitMy Profile

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Pam September 13, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I’m with you Holly. We can never never never quit. And even when we hit our goal weight, we are not done. We just keep doing what we have been doing it, because quitting means going back to that life we had before, and you know we don’t what to go back there. I’m sorry he got you so upset that you gave up. But giving up is not quitting. You are back and ready to start again. And we are here to give support. I struggled last night–ate too many snacks. But the snacks I ate where not bags of potato chips or cookies. They were two squares of dark chocolate and 4 cookies (a total of 250 calories). So I’m making progress! Yes we could go back to our old ways, but we’re not going to, because we have worked too hard to get this far and we are never never never quitting and we are never never never going back to where we were!

Yesterday I saw a woman in the hallway at work. I used to work directly with her, for many years. Then she quit our department and transferred to another department on campus, but still has a connection with us and I see her occasionally. The first few times I saw her after I had lost weight, she didn’t say a word. Finally I approached her and said HI!. She said, “PAM? I didn’t know it was you!!” And she gave ma a big hug. I had been so upset because I thought she was ignoring my weight loss, and she didn’t even recognize me. Yesterday after I said HI to her, she said, I’m always glad you say HI, because otherwise I’m not sure I would realize that was YOU!

Now I know your EX KNEW that it was you. And I know the thought of his reaction, his opinion and attitude has kept you going all these months. But looking good is the best revenge (as Ivana Trump says)….so just keep going and believe me, he will notice even if he doesn’t tell you he notices, he WILL MOST DEFINITELY NOTICE. And you will know that in your heart and it will feel GOOD. I would tell you to quit worrying about what he thinks, but I know that’s impossible. So continue to focus on it, and the first time you see him after you get to your goal weight, you can confront him, brag about how good you look, and then (perhaps not literally) spit on him. Only then can you truly forget about him and no longer care what he thinks! Because you won’t need him anymore! You won’t need that motivation he has been providing, because you will have a new life, filled with new people, maybe even a new special someone! It will happen if you don’t quit!
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Staci September 13, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I am so glad you have Cross Fit. Don’t you dare quit. Those people obviously CARE about you. I think Mountain Climbers are very hard. Those people doing pull-ups are the sissies! haha 🙂 Kidding. But *most* of those people in the room didn’t get where they are now by starting out at 417, right? You have a harder “mountain” to climb before you can “pull yourself” up to the tippy top. It’ll take you longer to get there, but when YOU get there, you will look way down into the valley to see how far you’ve come. It wasn’t just a fun hike up a hill… it was a treacherous climb up a mountain for days, weeks, months, years on end, wondering if you would even survive. And there you’ll be – standing at the top, recalling all the blood, sweat, and tears and saying “It was worth it. I’M WORTH IT!” I quit for 1 month and gained back 14 pounds. 5 pounds is nothing. Two years ago, you would’ve binged and gained back 20 pounds in a week I bet. 5 is a great number! Squash it! LOL
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:57 pm

As always Staci YOU ROCK!!! You always know what to say to make me smile. ANd you’re right…2 years ago this would have easily been a 20 pound binge. That’s the perspetive I need to remember. Thanks for always being there for me!

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Kath September 13, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I don’t even know you. This is the first post I’ve ever read by you and it actually made me cry. Look at the picture of your face compared to last year. My God, you are beautiful! Please do not give up. You have some wonderful friends, lovely children and a rich and rewarding life in front of you. Don’t ever look back. You can do this!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Thanks Kath for coming to my blog and leaving me a comment. Made my day!! Thank you so much for the uplifting and encouraging words. You are so right and I needed to hear this!

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Tess September 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

That’s right! You tell all those voices in your head, all those negative saying, all those mean people to go to hell!! Love it!! Question for you: do you see a therapist? I see you beating yourself up a lot. I know losing people you love is tough on the soul. Just a suggestion from someone who cares!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:52 pm

hahaha this kind of made me laugh!! I know it wasn’t a joke but when I read it I literally laughed because I was thinking….boy do I need one!!! But I don’t actually see a therapist and I need one STAT..right?! I mean these are issues that I probably would have foreseen coming had I been working with a therapist who knows my background. Actually my brother’s strategic victory plan included me getting a therapist who specializes in obesity/weight issues. Did I listen? NO!! Eek…could this suggestion be the push I need to get back on that?? Probably so! I did go a few times and bailed. Probably not the smartest move I’ve made yet. Thanks for leaving this comment b/c honestly it’s probably just what I needed to hear!!!

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Tess September 14, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I know first-hand how therapy is so scary and seemingly unnecessary at first!! I lost my dad 14 years ago this Christmas (12/26) and it really threw me. I thought “I don’t need therapy, I don’t have anything to talk about!” but boy was I wrong! I loved my dad dearly, he was a HUGE part of me, so I know what you’re going thru losing your mom and grandma. I just think taking that first step to therapy would do you a world of good. How about something like this: commit to 3 or 5 sessions. If you don’t “feel it” then at least you tried. See it as a part of taking care of your new body and life! Hugs to you, dear!!

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Lady Amanda September 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Looking forward to seeing some new Cross-fit work-out pictures with you dripping sweat and covered in a Glowing Smile! Just wish I was closer so I could go with you. 🙂

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Thanks Manda Manda!!! You rock my BFF for life!! 🙂

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Lisa September 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Wow! You are an amazing writer – your words are so vivid, so beautifully true! I seriously want to help you anyway that I can – what do you need right now? A gift of a month to CrossFit? Please let me know via your next post and I will give you my email address! I have been where you are right now and feel the despair that you write of so brilliantly in your blog. Please keep fighting the ‘good fight’. The world needs more amazing people like you!
Lisa

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:50 pm

Oh my gosh. That is just beyond kind. I literally can’t believe what a kind offer that is. I have it all worked out so that I can continue Crossfit but I will never forget what a sweet offer that was. WOW!!!!!! You make the world a brighter place. You have totally made me smile !

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Lisa September 14, 2012 at 12:11 am

Just paying’ it forward!!
Lisa

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jennxaz September 13, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I guess sometimes we need a rude awakening that what we think are facts are really not. You do have friends. Your life is no longer what it used to be. You are stronger, more confident and a more active mother. It doesn’t all change over night but you are inspiration to hundreds of people in real life and in blogland. Don’t give up…don’t let your ex win. Be the mom to your kids that your mom was to you. Show them you are a fighter!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:48 pm

You’re totally right. It’s definitely becoming clear that my view is often skewed!! I have to take a step back and see things more clearly and in a more rational state of mind sometimes. Thanks so much for your kind and uplifting words. Means everything!

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Cathy in Missouri September 13, 2012 at 6:07 pm

A little ways back – when you wrote about not letting someone else pick out the car you drive, or the movie you go to see…?

My husband has this phrase: “Either you learn how to lock your doors, or you have to keep moving to new houses.”

I used to have all my levers outside. I’d let other people switch my day (and my worth) on or off. They don’t like me? Off. They like me? On. They think I made the wrong decision? Off. They think I made the right decision? On. They disapprove of my parenting? Off. Approve? On.

Off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on – and on, and on, and on.

My husband says, “What would it look like to keep your own switches? Lock your own doors? Make your own decisions? Stop checking with the world to see what they think?”

I’m still working on it. Every day.

All I know: if the switches are outside, where everyone can flip them any time, there’s going to be about as much peace as a mouse feels in a rattlesnake pit.

Have you read In Sheep’s Clothing by George Simon, PhD? Or Tired of Trying to Measure Up by Jeff VanVonderen? Both held a mirror to my face and said, “It’s Okay To Be Who You Are. Today. No frills. No excuses.”

You are normal and you speak for crowds of us out here, nodding our heads, reading your words.

Don’t let anyone shut you up, Holly. The weight is a sideline. It’s the You we’re interested in. Your words matter. You Matter.

Cathy in Missouri

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:47 pm

Cathy,
This is well written and absolutely awesome!! Do you have a blog? If not you need one. Immediately! I love the analogy of the switches. This spoke straight to my heart. And some other things happened today making this even more timely and perfect. I was meant to read this. Thank you so much!

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Cathy in Missouri September 14, 2012 at 6:12 pm

No blog of my own. Just grateful to read – thank you, always.

Incidentally, In Sheep’s Clothing has more to do with your ex. If you’re anything like me, along the way you start to wonder where you pick up these life-suckers – and why. That book helped explain how they get their hooks in, how I was giving them a foothold, and how to get free.

How well you know; *free* is where it’s at.

Here’s to real friendships, real relationships, real depth, real faith, and real life. You’re doing it.

Onward,

CiM

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Courtney September 13, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I’ll never stop being amazed by you. I know you might not feel that way about yourself, but I do. You have lost the equivalent of an entire adult person…a person!!! That is an amazing accomplishment that no one can take from you!

I hope you find your second wind soon. And while you’re struggling to see your worth, please know there are so many people who think you are a person of great worth!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:43 pm

I never thought about it like that before. You are right. I have lost an entire person!!! What a crazy thing to think about! I really never ever thought of it that way before. Thanks for pointing this out to me! Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot!

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adorkbl September 13, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Girl. ((giant hugs)) I have been there. I unfortunately still go there on occasion. It is HARD to change your response to stress & life. It takes practice. Fall 7 times but get up 8. That is what matters.

One thing you MUST absolutely believe… your worth is not based on your weight. I know you said it. But BELIEVE it. You are a beautiful person. You inspire everyday.

Now go kick some butt. 🙂

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:28 pm

Thanks so much!!! You are right. We fall 7 times but get up 8. We just have to keep getting up. This is just what I needed to hear. Time to get up again and go kick butt!!! And I still love your owl pic. Always makes me smile!

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adorkbl September 13, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Just wanted to add… DAYUMmm… on the crossfit. I don’t think I would have the balls to try it right now. And you rock it out. Pullups of mountain climbers… who cares. You show up. You do the work. You are a rockstar.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Oh thanks so much!!!!!!

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Donna September 13, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Dear Holly, I hope you realize just how much you are valued, admired and loved, Allow yourself to wallow in depths of despair, but give yourself a time limit to do so,then get your self up,i put on your big girl panties and “March Onward Christian Soldier”. You have the power dear girl! This will be just a bump in the road, there will be more for sure but you will be fine. I wish I lived near you, I would be over to give you a big hug. D.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:27 pm

hahaha you said it!!!! Donna, I am strapping on the big girl panties right now and marching on like the soldier I know I can be!!! Thank you so much!!

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Musharooni September 13, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Been there & sure I’ll visit that lonely, low place again. But I’m with you…pulling myself up, dusting myself off, and taking one step at a time moving forward again. Reading your thoughts & feelings on your mother & her words finding you at these times fills me with so much emotion. I lost my mother in October of last year and i believe with all of my heart, soul, and being that she made everything happen that led me to my surgery and all of the subsequent changes in my life. Yep, she loved me enought to make me a big part of her everafter. Sounds like your mom did, too. 🙂

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. I know how hard that is. I feel your pain. It’s been 2 years this December for me. Very much the worst thing to ever happen to me and yet what you said is true. We are part of them forever after. Their influence continues on. I know that my Mom is now free from the pain she was in during this life. She lives forever and we will be together again. Just have to wait it out until that day comes. Hugs to you!!!!! I totally know how tough this is and I am so happy that you have a wonderful mother!

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Tracy aka Tiny Tank September 13, 2012 at 10:00 pm

I’m in!! You had me at “you are good enough!”
I’ve found that sometimes we need to take the side road and then get back on track. The side roads, although take a bit more time, make life more interesting and inspire us! So don’t fret the side roads, enjoy them and get back on track.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Thanks Tracy! you are someone I look to for help on that road to maintenance. Thank you so much for sticking with all of us in this community who need those who have gone before us to lead the way. You are awesome!!

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Tina September 13, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Hip Hip Hooray!!! I am so proud of you, for you, with you! and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. You are worth fighting Satan for, my friend. So worth it! To HELL with him and onward to your happy, sometimes crappy, but never nappy life!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down September 13, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Tina you should be a poet!!! You not only rhyme but your wisdom is awesome!!

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Susana September 15, 2012 at 2:12 am

I never comment on blogs but I have to say your blog has moved me to do so.

I pray you never give up you have come so far and you look amazing !!! Those negetive thoughts that come over us at the lowest times , we just need to push them away and read the words of the Lord. Sometimes it is hard to even have our heads on straight and read the word but we just need to try.
You have done something most people try and fail , don’t give up it is hard but you have come along way.
At this moment I am 31 and about 260 or so and I admire that you have done so well for yourself. Keep it up!! You have inspired me by reading your blog ! By the way tell Diana hi from Susana in ft. worth 😛
I saw your blog through her facebook page and it inspired me to try crossfit as well.

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Sussy September 15, 2012 at 3:49 am

Don’t give up! Thank you so much for writing this post. It was just what I needed to read. You are blessed with your Crossfit family. Thanks again.

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Kelly @CurvyFitGirl September 15, 2012 at 11:34 am

I’ve given up the last 2 weeks – and you know what – I hated it. Hated the feeling, hated what I was thinking, hated everything. I just gave up because it got too hard & too overwhelming. And you know what – I HATE that I gave up! Because that’s not me. Because I’m stronger than that, and so are you. Just like I have ppl who will help me & carry me over the finish line, you have them too. I’ll be one of them, if you need it. 🙂
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Kim September 15, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Holly, I honestly love you and how truthful you are about your journey!! I feel as if you are an amazing friend whom I have just not happened to meet yet! I agree with your Mom and your friend… “Tell that stupid liar devil to go to HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL… and as for your ex- hubby I know it’s hard to stop seeking his approval because for such a long time HE was the most important person to you but he’s already proven what an idiot he was to walk out on you… love never fails and walks ot on us ever! I really believe God has shown you what a selfish and uncaring person he was to you. I work in a women’s shelter and the things he told you were emotional abuse Holly.. you deserve better and more in your life than this. I don’t know if you are open to this or not but If there is a women’s shelter in you area please call them and ask if they have outreach workers or a support group program. Abuse is not just physical but it is often emotional, verbal , spiritual, financial and sexual as well. How do I know? I work at my local women’s shelter in Brooks, Alberta, Canada called Cantara Safe House and I am the outreach worker there. My e-mail address at the shelter is shelteroutreach@shaw.ca and my work # is 403-793-2232 and I am there from M-F 8:30 – 4:30pm Alberta time and would also be glad to help you if you like. Feel free to call collect if you’d like even. What was done to you by your hubby and his Mother was emotionally and verbally abusive. If I am correct from other things I’m read I believe that you were often kept quite isolated because of the locations you lived in. This is a typical abuser’s tool and I’ve also read in your blogs that everything that went wrong in the marriage was made out to be your fault and that nothing you did even losing the weight was never good enough for him… He even blamed you for why HE cheated….! This is a classic abuser Holly. Oh He may have never hit you (or maybe He did and you just don’t say) but he through his job isolated you, made you feel stupid, worthless and to blame for every problem in life… but did he ever once take responsibility for anything??? Anything at all??? I’m not saying you didn’t make mistakes or have your own issues but weren’t you alot thinner when you met him? I wonder why you ate yourself to the point you did and were suffering from severe anxiety and depression… nope I don’t buy it at all. Ask yourself why were you eating, what were you escaping from every time he asked you to rotate yourself on the couch or made you believe every problem was your fault? Oh I can guarantee you he is not the worst guy on the planet and maybe he is even a good dad to your kids but I can assure you that every time he chose to call you names, degrade you verbally or blame you that he willingly chose to do so. Anyways I am here for you if you need me and I know that your local shelter will be there for you as well if you decide to talk with them instead. My point for writing this Holly is that I care, that God has an amazing plan for your life and that even though your husband is physically out of your life it does not mean that his abuse has stopped … sometimes they don’t have to say anything at all to make you feel like a worm. You are amazing and you have worked hard and come along way! If you ever need anything you always have a friend to talk to in Brooks, Alberta!! Praying for you, Kim

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Lady Amanda September 15, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Kim- this was an amazing comment that you posted. I completely agree with you. Will be praying for you and the work you do at the shelter.- Sincerely, Holly’s BFF Amanda

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Cathy in Missouri September 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Hear, hear!

You said it, Kim.

Yes to all of this, and then some.

Glad you’re out there,

Cathy in Missouri

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Merrily September 15, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I have so many things to respond to in your post… In the picture above, you are doing mountain climbers. I couldn’t do them yesterday when everyone else was doing them. What does that say about me? It doesn’t say I’m a loser. It’s doesn’t say I’m a slacker. I’m just unable to do them at the present time. Hopefully I’ll be back at them again soon. I can’t run right now either. Yes, I’m frustrated about that, but it doesn’t mean a thing except…my knee needs to heal …so I can’t run. You’re in the (bad) habit of being critical of what you do. Quit looking at what others are doing, but be proud of what you are accomplishing despite your handicap. I know what it’s like to carry around 250 pounds. You strap an extra 100 pounds around those young shapely girls, and they wouldn’t be able to do even half of what you are accomplishing. Remember that! That’s what keeps me from getting discouraged when I’m the last one to come in through the door from a run. If we really evened the playing field, we’d probably be first! So quit trying to compare yourself unfairly….
My thoughts on your ex-husband. Here’s a few possibilities of what he thought when he saw you: 1. “Dang, why couldn’t she have done that when I was married to her. I’m angry that she waited until I was gone. I’m not going to acknowledge it because I’m selfish to have wanted her to do this a long time ago.” 2. “I have felt guilty for leaving her. Now that I see she is doing better without me, I don’t feel as guilty. If I say something, it’ll intensify my guilt, which I’m working hard to block.” 3. “She’s lost weight again. Because I’ve never been supportive to her and her struggles, I will continue to not believe that she can’t sustain this progress. Oh yeah…and why should I start being supportive now, when I wasn’t before?” 4. “There’s something different. Must be because I need to get the oil changed in my car. Wow, I’m hungry. I need to grab the kids quickly and then feed myself. ” WHAT HE WILL NEVER FEEL: “She’s lost weight and is so beautiful. I really regret leaving her. I am so enthralled with her beauty that I want to drop my current girl and come running back.”
OF COURSE THAT’S OUR DREAM….. but we need to replace that dream with the dream of: I want to be the best I can be so that I can honor God, set a good example for my children, and follow after the calling God has placed in my life. I am beautiful and I don’t need validation from an ex-husband. God validates me. Holly, God has huge plans for you, that you can’t even visualize or imagine right now. The enemy knows it and wants to destroy those plans!
Merrily recently posted..Do You Have Weeds in Your Marriage Garden? Tips For Both Husbands & WivesMy Profile

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Robyn September 16, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Beautiful Holly- I am behind in my reading but I wanted to comment anyway.
I look at that picture of you at Cross Fit and I see a determined women. And Holly, you are at CrossFit!! not sitting in that recliner, eating. I think you need to look again because the difference in you is nothing short than amazing.
You had a bad week. You are stronger then you think you are. Keep fighting the good fight.
One choice at a time.
Robyn recently posted..HelloMy Profile

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Brynda September 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Holly – I’ve been reading your blog, and you are such an inspiration to not only me, but to so many other people. We all have bad weeks, bad moments, bad days, but the decision to get back up and keep going is what separates THIS time from every other time. I have been going to CrossFit for about 2 months, and I can’t do pull ups, I can’t do box jumps, I can barely run 400m without dying…. but I can do more than I did yesterday!! So can you, and I am SO GLAD to hear that your fellow CrossFitters won’t let you quit!! Keep up the good work, girl!! Most people can’t even get up the courage to GO to a CrossFit class, much less rock it out like you do!!

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Alicia@ eco friendly homemaking September 17, 2012 at 11:40 pm

You know what? When I look at that picture of you at the gym I see someone who is really making an effort and making a difference in her life!
All things are possible with God so don’t ever forget that because it is so important to remember that he is always there for us. I think you are doing great, 180 pounds in 13 months is absolutely amazing!!

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EmDub @ Faster in Water September 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Girlfriend I could have written parts of this! Even though I have lost 25 lbs which is noticable, I think “I haven’t changed a bit”. So silly, and definitely not from God. I”m glad you have such a good support system!
EmDub @ Faster in Water recently posted..Tiny.My Profile

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Chris September 26, 2012 at 12:55 am

I cannot believe your ex left you what a rat- you have a beautiful smile. Good Luck.

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Cat March 22, 2013 at 9:35 pm

When I see that picture… I think

She’s crazy!

Such Strength!

I need to get back to the gym!

I bet that’s effn hard work.

but the Endorphins must be Great!

Look how much she’s achieved this past year?!

oh it’s so real! there’s pictures!!

Keep Going Girly!!

You get that mountain!

Better stay hydrated tho… Mountains are drafty and are known to make dry mouth **sagenods**

oh…. and if I could suggest something… when you start to feel derailed… read your comments over again. I re-read the ones you left me and then I went walking with my dog Bosco.

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