Isolation

August 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Isolation

At first you choose it

Then it chooses you

You see…in the beginning

I wasn’t isolated

I had to work at getting alone

I would make excuses for it

Because I wanted to eat—in peace

Without anyone judging me

That’s where it starts

If you’re isolated and alone, you can eat in peace

Because when you really want to eat

I mean all out bags of Reeses, pints of ice cream, and whatever your favorites might be

And get the full enjoyment from it

You need to be isolated

Away from the world

So you do

You isolate

Then something happens

It takes over

You need more moments of isolation

Bigger binges

And before long

You’re bigger too

And you’re tired more often

Your energy is gone

Zapped by the Reeses and Snickers and Donuts

And suddenly your back hurts

And you find that you can no longer fit in a chair with arms

You can no longer fit in the booth

Or a movie theatre seat

Someone asks you to go somewhere

And you have to say no

Not like in the beginning

When you would make excuses to be alone

With the food

Now you want to go

You want to be out there in the world

But you can’t

Because you don’t fit

You can’t go to the movies or for coffee or to a restaurant

Because of your size

So in the beginning you may have chosen isolation

But in the end—it chose you

And now you’re alone

You watch the world go by

You see people post status updates about where they went

Pictures of their lives

And you watch it all from the safety of your recliner

Behind a pint of ice cream nestled on your stomach

As you watch endless seasons of anything on Netflix to pass the time

As life passes you by

Somewhere in between choosing isolation and it choosing me

There was a gap of time

Where I could still have fit places

Still have gotten out there

Still had a life

But suddenly things changed

Suddenly I was divorced

And it happened so quickly after we moved here

That I found myself in a new town with no one

My husband gone and any friends I may have made long gone

Most of my married friends didn’t even keep in touch with me

They didn’t know how to relate to me

Didn’t know what to do with me

The new people that I met were baffled too

Do we  invite her to couples events?

To the Couples Bible study?

Those were the social events they attended

And there just wasn’t a place for me there anymore

At the church I attended, there was only one place I fit in

With the widows

Suprisingly…I actually felt comfortable there

And there was much wisdom in that group

But mostly people just didn’t know what to do with me

And if they even wanted to deal with me at all

The new people I would meet

Would often shy away

When they saw me coming with my four children

Two babies, a preschooler, a 4th grader

And me–obese

Well….we just couldn’t be missed when we walked in a room

We traveled as a pack

I had many tearful nights as I tried to make new friends

In a new town

Right after my husband left me

Tearful nights wondering why no one wanted to be my friend

My pastor’s wife told me once

That she had seen it a thousand times

That many people just don’t want to be friends with a single Mom

Because they don’t want what you’ve got

Like it’s contagious

The ‘my husband left me‘ syndrome

And she told me that other people

Were just too afraid I’d be asking them for money

Or trying to push my children off on them

Because I must need someone to pay my bills, right?

And I must be after free babysitting…right?

This was just her viewpoint

But it enlightened me to the possibility

That I was a high risk friend

Of course, the reality was much different

I never  needed or wanted anyone’s money

And it was sad that people would assume

That just because I was a single mom of 4 children

That I would be hitting them up for cash

Could they have gotten to know me first?

To see if that was my motive?

And cornering people for babysitting?

I’ve never done that either

I did enroll my children in a Mother’s Day Out program when they were babies

That I paid for

Because like all Moms sometimes we need a break

But I was no different from the rest of them

I paid for my babysitting

I paid my own bills

And I wasn’t carrying around some contagious disease

That would cause someone else’s husband to leave them

But it didn’t matter

While my Pastor’s wife explained it to me

It didn’t change a thing

I was never invited out

Few wanted to befriend me

And I got the point

Was it my weight?

My personality?

Is there just something wrong with me?

YES

THAT’S IT

Clearly there IS something wrong with me

My husband thought so

And this confirms it

So I went back to my cookies

And my donuts

And my pizza

Another 100 pounds piled on

And before I knew it

I no longer was in the world

I just watched it go by

And even if someone did ask me for a girls night out

Or lunch

Or coffee

I couldn’t go

Because I no longer fit

The years have gone by

And my world just became smaller

My main concern was for my children

I knew no one really wanted to be my friend

And so isolation became a safe haven for me

But it hurt that I was also isolated from participating in my children’s lives

Their events

Their activities

Now that I’ve  lost 180 pounds

My life has changed

Now that I’m working out every day

My energy level has changed

For the first time in years

I can go places!!

I can do things!!

And suddenly….I want to

Only I look around me

And I realize

I have very few friends in real life

I never cared before

But now here I am with energy and the ability to fit places

With no where to go and no one to go with

Of course, I have my children

But I look around me and I see

For having been on this earth 40 years

You would think I’d have friends

I have Amanda of course

But she doesn’t live here

I know people from church

But not that well

Not really

So I’ve tried “putting myself out there” as they say

Opening myself up

Reaching out and asking others if they want to go to lunch

Go for coffee

But most of the time, I find they’re not really interested

They already have their friends

Most of them are married

And I’m still a single mom

I’m still obese

And I’m back to square one

I remember all over again

Why I had such a hard time making friends back in 2006

When I moved here

I felt the same way

Rejected, lonely, and contemplating the many problems that I must present

If so few people want to be my friend

I know that I isolated for many years

And that my weight made many people shy away from friendship as well

Maybe because they thought that was contagious too

As if they could ‘catch’ 100 pounds that might melt off me and stick to them

All I know is this

I’m trying to be a more open person

I’m trying to put myself out there

And I’m still finding myself isolated

And alone

There are probably opportunities that I’ve missed too

Because deep down inside, I didn’t believe that person really wanted my friendship

I’ll admit even after everything I’ve said

I’ve turned down invitations because a part of me believes it is just a pity gesture

Because I doubt my own value and worth

So if anyone asks me to go somewhere—it must be out of obligation or charity

There is a voice inside my head telling me

“You know they don’t really want you there.  You know you don’t fit in”

And you know what happened the  last time I struggled with that?

I found a set of friends who accepted me just the way I am

Who were always there for me

Who did not shy away

And their names were

Dominoes, Papa Johns, Taco Bell, McDonalds and Arby’s

Those old friends are calling my name

“We’re still here for you, Holly.  We haven’t gone anywhere.”

“It’s not too late for you to come back.  Why be alone? You don’t have to be”

“Come have it your way at Burger King”

“Head for the Border” (Taco Bell)

“Buy a bucket of chicken and have a barrel of fun with KFC”

“I’m lovin’ it” McDonalds….and we’re lovin’ YOU, Holly

So come on back….

Come back to your old friends…

We were always there for you, right?

Loneliness is painful

Why do that to yourself?

Don’t you remember how sweet and comforting we can be?

But if you do that

If you fall for those lines

You’ll end up 100 or 200 or 300 pounds heavier

And THEN

When a real person comes along that really wants to be your friend

That really sees who you are on the inside

Without the judgement and the preconceived notions

And that person wants to go for coffee

It will be too late

You’ll have to say NO

Because you chose the friends that comforted you in the moment

But betrayed you in the end

By piling on the pounds

So you can no longer be open to opportunities when they do arise

In the beginning  the rejection I experienced caused me to isolate

But in the end it was by my own hand…by the weight I gained

That made it hard for me to even walk

So even if I wanted to be in the world

It was too late

But now I’m outside….walking…. jogging

Meeting my neighbors

Sometimes I feel like I’ve been reborn

My eyes are open

I see the world

I see the opportunities

And for the first time in a long time

I want to be a part of it

But in too many ways, I’m still the outsider

Still struggling to find people

Who won’t look at me and see someone who is just obese

Who is a single mom

Who must just want their money

Because all single mothers want that, right?

Is that the stereotype?

Or run away from me because they see that I have four children

So I must just want to throw them on their doorstep

And run

Right??

Little do they know

You’d almost have to pay ME to leave them for even one hour

To get me away from them

Because we are so attached

But it doesn’t matter

That’s what they see

And it hurts

I hope one day I’ll find friends

Who see ME

Not the weight

Not the fact that Im divorced

Not some unnecessary fear that all I want is money and babysitting

But there are days like today

Where I look around

And I only see what is gone

My husband

My mother

My grandmother

Friendships that never got off the ground

And I’m filled with doubt that those holes will ever be filled

Sometimes I don’t want to write a blog post

When it’s negative

But if I did that

Then I wouldn’t be real

So I’m just telling you what I feel

What I experience

And how it can lead me back to the food

But I’m choosing NOT to go down that road

Because I know that path is no better

It’s the path to destruction

And I know that despite what I may feel

Despite what I’ve experienced

There is always hope

We just have to believe

And not isolate ourselves

Keep putting ourselves out there

Even if we get rejected

Keep being honest

Keep being real

And I know that one day

God will bless me with the real life friends I pray for

The ones who will not fear me when they see me coming

The ones who will not fear that my divorce or my weight problem is a contagious disease they can catch

I know that day will come

But not if I give up

And isolate

And accept the lies that the food offers

This is a battle

It’s a fight

We have good days and bad days

But in the midst of those bad days

We must make the conscious decision

To say NO to the food that only comforts in the moment

Because all it takes is one bite of a candy bar

And you won’t hear from me for a year

Because it will suck me in like sinking sand

So I’ll fight those feelings

And focus on the hope that is out there for us all

Tomorrow is another day

Let’s grab hold of it

And focus up

Towards the One who hears all of our thoughts

The One who has already promised us that even if we feel alone

We will never truly walk alone (John 14:18)

He will provide an answer

Even if we don’t yet know what it is

Still I hold on

He will deliver

I know it!

 Psalm 30:5 

Your sadness may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning.
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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

Amanda August 31, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I went to high school here and still struggle. It’s much more difficult making friends as an adult. I’ve heard that you should join clubs or volunteer or join the PTA and you’ll make friends that way. I’ve been too scared to try. Incidentally, I believe there are “divorce support groups” because a lot of people go through the isolation thing when their marriage breaks up. You’re worth knowing…believe that. :)
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Anele @ Success Along the Weigh August 31, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I hear you! We don’t have many “real life” friends and it seems online friends live nowhere near us. When you’re overweight, people really do act like they’re going to catch it. It’s almost like The Breakfast Club, people will talk to you when it’s one on one but when they’re around their regular friends, you can become invisible. You’re judged without someone ever getting to know you because the stereotypes are too strong and their minds are too weak. I have to believe people come to us when we’re more open to receiving. I worked very hard to keep people at arms length to protect myself and its time we let people in.
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jennxaz August 31, 2012 at 2:27 pm

ahh that food addiction…just wants to be alone with us..isolate us..further the cycle. I have to force myself to be social at times…I am not sure if that its also social anxiety or what but I swear I could be by myself for days if I let myself…and that is not healthy! I am going to win this battle…WE are going to win this battle!

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Courtney August 31, 2012 at 2:47 pm

It’s been my experience in long stretches of brokenness that healing comes in waves. At first maybe you’re just clutching to survival, but then you overcome that obstacle and perhaps have a little time to glory in your victory before the next wave comes. Experiencing each wave can start to feel like you’re constantly being set back, that no real progress is being made, but in fact overcoming each one is getting you closer to to your goal: freedom from the brokenness.

You are doing so amazingly well in this process, but I can see this stage is a really painful one for you. Maybe its because this struggle is about more than what you can do on your own. It requires other people stepping up to the plate, an area in which you’ve clearly experienced a lot of disappointment. My heart and prayers will be with you as you seek out healing and friendship! Though I don’t know you face to face, you have a special place in my heart.

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Trish @I_am_Succeeding August 31, 2012 at 2:49 pm

You are definitely worth knowing and I know if you keep putting yourself out there people will see what we do through your words!

I wish we lived closer…we could walk together or have lunch or something! =)
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Sweet Addy August 31, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I think it’s really difficult to make friends as an adult. I mean, as an overweight introvert, I had a hard time making friends even when I was in high school, but it’s 1000 times harder as an adult. I’m not sure what the trick is, or if there even is a trick. I think you’re doing a very brave thing going out on a limb with it, and I know that if you keep at it, you’ll find what you’re looking for. I’ve always been of the opinion that quality is better than quantity, at least when it comes to friends.
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annamarie August 31, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Isolation is a horrible place to be. I understand some of what you feel. There are plenty of times I feel isolate, yes I am a mom of two kids but they are grown and out on their own. Yes, I am married but even with my husband here with me I still feel isolated. We can both be in the same room and not talk at all. Sometimes I feel we both of lost interest. Right now I am struggle very hard with this new stage of our lives. It hurts and hurts alot. If anything I hold onto to God and he is the only one who is with be. There are times that I feel he is the only one who I live for. I too wish we lived closer, gosh many of us do, we may not see you in real life but do be assure that many are with you and consider you a friend. Good for you with staying away from the fast foods friends, honestly you know that they are not. I pray that this feeling leaves you soon and wish much happiness for you.

Sending many hugs
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Robyn August 31, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Holly,
Being an ‘online friend’ and getting to read what is in your mind and on your heart- I think the people who don’t take the time to know you are fools.
You might really need to open yourself up more. Ask people from CrossFit for coffee. And remember, it might not be that they don’t WANT to go at the first invitation- maybe some are rushing to work or somewhere else that time.
Maybe you should visit some other churchs. I imagine you go to Sunday School too, if not, that is more a place to get to know people then sitting in the service. Your pastor’s wife should be inviting you to really get to know people instead of assuming they just don’t want to be asked for babysitting or money. She should facilitate you getting a chance to know people.
What about the lady that is walking now because she saw you do it? Have you seen her again? Ask to walk together…….
If all the fails, come to PA, I don’t like coffee but I would still go to a coffee house with you and get hot chocolate or something.
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molly August 31, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I am a widow. I can tell you that I would enjoy going for coffee with a young friend like you. Maybe you focus on those people who aren’t really available for more activities, and you miss the other, more available people right there…those widows you said you found it more comfortable being around. Sometimes it is in the giving that we find purpose and friendship. They really need someone to care for them too. It is impossible to get used to being alone, so my heart goes out to you. You can surround yourself with your children, your church, and your God, and out of that will come the friends, the life you are making for yourself. And sometimes it is not all that bad to be your own best friend!! Praying for you today….

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LJCBF August 31, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Great blog entry filled with truth for so many : ) get your Victory everyday – predecide – lean on Him, as you are – and know many people stand with you. To that end I call on the IC to prove the point : )

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Melissa D August 31, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I read this post and said “wowza get out of my head” which made me laugh. Your words, thoughts, insights, observations…are just so refreshing. I’d be so honored to have a friend like you in my corner as you bring such a light of inspiration and hope to someone anonymous like (some of) your readers {me} and to have that kind of example/encouragement would be a great gift from God! Again, thank you for your posts and small glimpse into your life.
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Lori August 31, 2012 at 6:52 pm

I think one of satan’s meanests tricks is to convince us that we don’t fit in. I didn’t marry until I was 36. Even though I was still attending the church where I grew up, I didn’t fit. It seemed to me that everyone else my age was married. Then I married an older man with two children. I thought now surely I’ll fit. But I didn’t because I had step-children. On and on it went until one day I looked around and saw that everyone was different. Everyone seemed to think they didn’t belong for one reason or another. It was just as untrue for them as it was for me. We all fit. We are all different shaped pieces for the grand masterpiece. Claim your spot in it.
Lori

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Caron August 31, 2012 at 7:20 pm

I know exactly what you’re talking about. We’ve moved so many times in 46 years and because my husband traveled all the time and sometimes we didn’t see him for two month stretches, I would set out to find a church by myself. There were a few exceptions, but mostly I found that people took one look at me and two small children and were very fearful that I was there to “get” something from them. Sometimes they accepted us after we attended a few times and put money in the plate. Occasionally, they never did feel okay with us being there.

And then, there were those very rare times when we were met at the door as if they had been expecting us with smiles and hugs and no questions of “What does your husband do?”

Still, we just take it a day at a time and life goes on. Love your posts and I also love that last picture made in July. You are beautiful and you have amazing eyes. Hang in there, Holly. :)
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Becky Hill August 31, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I walk into church praying, “Please let someone say hello to me today. Please let someone use my name.” Now, after I’ve read your post, I think–maybe–I’ll pray, “Show me someone that I can say hello to.”

I work with a therapist–addressing my disordered eating, of course–and one session he said to me, “You’re relationally hungry.” And I am. And I’m trying to meet that need with love and friendships, not with Cheetos and Snickers (the binge part) and Crisco and raw Bisquick-mixed-with-water-and-topped-with-sugar (the disordered part.)

Oh, how we all need each other!

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Elizabeth August 31, 2012 at 8:05 pm

It is very awesome that you posted this. Making friends in general is hard and I think as adults we put up walls for whatever reason. I have always said that I think you have to work harder on letting people get to know us when we are obese – winning people over and such. These days, I am not sure that is it. I think when you have faced a lot in your life, you have a harder time opening up and letting people in. I know I do mostly for fear of loss. I also always have that little voice in the back of my mind saying I probably shouldn’t go because I am fat or they won’t like me because I am fat……. But honestly, everybody has their own insecurities – so maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with you. :) I am rambling! You are always welcome in Phoenix :) Try the PTO or putting your kiddos in a sport. I know I have met some great friends of all shapes and sizes through my daughter’s soccer team. Plus when you see people constantly, they get to know you better and don’t base things on initial impressions!!

Thank you for always posting things like this. Always remember how inspiring you are! YOU HAVE LOST 180 LBS!!!! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! Hugs!!
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Elizabeth August 31, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I was going to email you but I couldnt find your email. Send me an email so I have your info!! We are gonna be friends!! :)
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suzanne August 31, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I have found the same thing but for different reasons! I left my first husband 21 years ago and I found the friends I had then no longer are around. My current husband has schitzophrenia and I find that people like to keep their distance. Which is too bad because we are awesome :)
I really do think that if people would just take the time to get to know us they’d really like us but in these times people just don’t take the time.
It really does make me appreciate my online friends even if we don’t meet.

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cindy sal September 1, 2012 at 1:00 am

I was particularly moved by todays post-8-31-12. I have been reading your writings for awhile now and although I do not have kids or am not divorced, I can identify with you wholly. I am very obese and suffer from many of the same things you describe. I would love to talk offline with you if you would like sometime. Keep telling your story as we all gain courage from you.

Sal

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Staci September 1, 2012 at 2:49 am

Well, I’m no help… too far away. But I swear I’m real life! ;) I kwym, though. I had a good group of friends 2 years ago. But they all only have 1 or 2 kids, and the kids are my older ones ages (8-10 yrs old). So while they started joining bowling leagues, tennis teams, etc., I started staying at the house more because I had a 1 and 3 year old to tote around, not just my older kids. That’s a lot of work! Anyway, that is irrelevant except for the fact that now I am basically isolated from any friends that I did have here. My really good friends live 3 hours away, all in different directions! Crazy! I hope you find someone you can relate with before too long. I know that even just a real adult phone call relieves a lot of stress!
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Anonymous But Faithful Reader September 1, 2012 at 7:57 am

Holly, I stumbled on your blog a few months ago and I check it every night. Tonight’s post is the first time I’m commenting. I just wanted to let you know that I’m another person, far away in the Pacific Northwest, who gains SO MUCH just from the privilege of reading your blog posts! I love them all, both the happy and the sad ones. Also, from a selfish perspective, after dinner and kids-in-bed is the moment of temptation for me — I walk out of my kids’ room after they are asleep and immediately want to reach for chips, and candy, and cheese, and just anything to keep me awake for hours while I work. Now, I read your blog, and that gives me inspiration, and I floss and brush my teeth right then, and most nights I don’t eat anything more. :)

I especially like how you show so much caring for your children and portray the honest love and excitement they have for you and your weight loss. As adults, we get hung up somewhere between “it’s not polite to comment on weight and call someone fat” and the obvious truth that it’s awesome to get healthier and skinnier and those joys and accomplishments do NOT mean one is embracing the waif-like runway fashion models. Kids don’t have that problem — they are just pure happy with their mom’s incredible accomplishments. Reading your blog has encouraged me to be more open with my kids about how I need to lose weight and what I’m doing about it.

Rambling a bit here aren’t I, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that while I’m just an anonymous blog reader, I feel a connection with you that’s kind of like a friend! Hang in there. It is hard to make friends as an adult. I’m not single or obese, but I haven’t made a new friend since college. So you’re up against a lot. Most adults I think are pretty settled in their social worlds and don’t have energy or interest in making new friends. Doesn’t mean you should give up, just recognize what you’re doing is not easy!

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laura September 1, 2012 at 11:09 am

Hi holly,
i have never commented but I really have been inspired by everything you have done, it is amazing! I have to say, even as a married mom with three kids in a church I had grown up in my whole life I hardly knew anyone. This past year I decided to lead a bible study, it was completely out of my comfort zone but it turned out to be such a blessing. We has woman of all ages and did the First Place 4 Health bible study. All these women no mater their place in life came together to encourage and push each other. We had a single mom and I knew who she was before but just being put in the same environment studying the same thing we really got to know each other. So my encouragement is to join a woman’s group or bible study. If your church doesn’t have one, start one! I am just starting the Made To Crave study in my home and can’t wait for more growth. You have so much wisdom and encouragement that so many women in your church and community need, you are part of the body of Christ and he has a very big purpose for all the wonderful gifts he has given you, don’t be afraid to use them!

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Cathy September 1, 2012 at 12:27 pm

What Molly said stood out to me – for many (good) reasons, you may find “your people” among the suffering. Of course, suffering takes all kinds of forms. Widows, people going through illness or divorce, lonely people, hurting people, those fighting their way back to life – just as you are doing.

When I say your people may be among the suffering-of-some-sort – that is very far from meaning, “Only the down-and-out would want you.” Not a bit. What I mean is, their lives – for whatever reason – have forced them to understand grief and pain. Your life has, too. That makes them deeper, more interesting, more empathetic, less glib. You, too.

I walked into a nursing home where I didn’t know anyone. I just started talking with people who looked lonely. They weren’t hard to find. Pretty soon, I started coming to the Bible study there. And in no time at all, I made friends who really wanted to connect, were not too busy to do it, and welcomed a visit with open arms – any time or day of the week.

What I was amazed by – so many young people in nursing homes. At least, there are here. Of course, so many elderly people, too. So many people whose bodies are broken…in accidents, by strokes, by illness. So many people who understand longing for Heaven and who know what it is to trust the Lord in the dark.

So many worthwhile people. And I really don’t mean, although it could sound like it, “Hey, why don’t you do some ministry to feel less lonely?” I didn’t go to the nursing home to do ministry. I went to make friends. And the ones I found there are too priceless for words. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

Thank you for writing, Holly, and for not giving up. I think of you – every mailbox, every not-quitting-day. And the (many) days when I want to quit, too.

You help. Your life matters.

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Linda Kuil September 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I bet people at the gym are loving having you there and they’ll be the people that will befriend you. I so want to sit and have a cup of coffee with you!

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Staci September 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Okay, I picked up my Bible to read before bed last night, even though I was EXHAUSTED. I picked this, and when I got to verse 11, it just really made me think of your post tonight!
Psalm 31
9. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.
10. For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed.
11. I was a reproach among all mine enemies, but especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine aquaintance: they that did see me without fled from me.
12. I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel.
13: For I have heard the slander of many: fear was on every side: while they took counsel together against me, they devised to take away my life.
14. But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou are my God.
21. Blessed be the Lord: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city.
22. For I said in my haste, I am cut off before thing eyes: nevertheless, thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.
23. O love the Lord, all ye his saints: for the Lord preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer.
24. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.

I can’t say the right things, but God can! Love ya!
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Ryan September 1, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Holly,

Your honesty and self-knowledge and search for truth is awe-inspiring. Your kids are blessed to have such a soul as you. I hope you continue to make yourself available for the chance of true friendship. You are making the world a better place with your courage, and your struggle to remain afloat and sane in the face of your past vices is inspiring. Keep working on that amazing soul of yours, keep strong, find your strength wherever you can, for your sake, for your children’s sake, and when you need it most, I believe the universe will give you what you need, and maybe part of that is turning you into the beacon of truth and courage that few could ever ignore again.

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Katie September 1, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Wow, this post brought me to tears … What an amazing journey you are on.

Thank you so much for stopping by my little piece of the web and leaving me some love. I’m looking forward to checking in on you!
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Ronnie September 2, 2012 at 4:21 pm

It’s strange… but I’m in the opposite position. None of my friends want to hang out with me now because I’m thinner than almost all of them now. And my single mom-ness was never an issue of judgement with them, since I’ve known them my whole life… but I’m sure it would be if I had moved to a new town and was trying to make new friends.

It’s already HARD being a single mama. I don’t know why people make it harder on us.

Have you tried joining the PTO at your kids’ school? It’s an easy way to make friends who have kids the same age as yours, some of who are probably single parents as well. Just a thought. :)
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michele September 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Thanks for stopping by my blog.

While I’ve never been obese I have battled with weight issues. Now, that I’m post-menopausal it is even harder to lose or maintain weight loss. I noticed that you use myfitnesspal. I do to. I find it really helpful in keeping track of fat, calories and carbs. By using it I don’t fluxuate so much. Another thing that helps is being a vegetarian.

However you are doing it you are doing a great job! Gook luck with the rest of your journey.

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Sheri in CA September 3, 2012 at 7:30 am

Wow. Just wow. Thank you for being so honest. This brought tears to my eyes, because I have been in these places too. My heart goes out to you. I saw your comment on Aimee’s blog and hopped over. I’m not sure where you live, but would love to have coffee with you. I think it’s hard for a lot of us to make friends as adults. I have aquaintances from work and such, but not really friends. I have my family, and I am fortunate. But, I wish I had more/closer girlfriends.

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Kim September 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Holly,
Thanks so much for your honesty and compassion for others in both the good and the bad times. As you know God is the friend who promised to stick closer than a brother to us. I have often felt alone in my life journey even though I was the “fat and happy one”. We isolate ourselves and are isolated by others for many reasons but God will never do that to us. I am praying that in your dark times that God will prove himself to you over and over that you are never alone. I also pray that God would begin sending to you people who will prove their worth as friends who would manifest HIS Godly charachter and love for you and your family. You are an attractive, loving and caring women because you are made in God’s image Holly. God’s charachter attributes shine through every word you write and out of the depths of your heart. On behalf on anyone who may have judged you wrongly or accused you falsely may I please step in and say on their behalfs (until they do it themselves) that you have been wronged and been made to feel that you were lesser and of low value. This is wrong and these people are wrong! God is for you and who can be against you Holly? You are made in His image and are a beautiful handmaiden wo ministes love, mercy and grace to others. I firmly believe that where we suffer and weep that God brings growth, joy and blessings.. hold on Holly because the Father of Lights who gives good gifts to His kids has an awesome new hubby coming up for you… a man who will serve God with you and cherish you and your kids!!! At the darkest hours… then comes the light! God bless you Holly as a faithful reader of your blog I love you like a sister and am rooting and praying for you. Your sister in Christ, Kim

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Ducky September 3, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I love reading the comments just as much as your post. The way you bring people together by sharing your journey, your heart, you love and passion is amazing! And the July 2012 photo of you…there is SO MUCH light in your eyes. It gives me goosebumps and makes me smile back which is silly because you can’t see me but I have this dopey look on my face while staring at my computer.

The judgement in the world is prolific from all perspectives. I’m not sure how as a culture we have become so insecure and judgmental. I have a feeling it is directly related to our relationships with God but what do I know. I’m just a silly little girl.
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Pam September 4, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I read your blog and I think to myself, but for the grace of God and my hubby, I would have been like you–alone. I got lucky and hubby stuck by me through years and years of thick and thin, (mostly THICK) and today we celebrate 42 years of marriage and I am THIN! Okay, maybe not THIN, but at least normal!
I hope you can make some new friends, maybe even find a new special someone. You are out there now, trying, and you are so beautiful I know new friends will find YOU soon!!!
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Karin September 5, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Holly-I am on the threshold of starting yet another weight loss program. I have been successful many times (for a while) and then the doubts and isolation hit and I too was making friends with the likes of Ben and Jerry. I decided I needed to get some inspiration from others who were obese and winning the fight against eating disorders. Your blog has been very helpful for me. Your honesty is refreshing and every post seems like you are writing what I am thinking. Keep it up girlfriend…you are worth it!

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Julia September 6, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Amen, Holly. Making friends is hard, especially with kids to care for (and thus schedule around, not be able to get out in the evening, etc.) I have a few close friends in my city, but even still, i feel isolated often. I find it takes a LOT of effort, and a lot of choosing to not be offended when you have to keep trying- to be friends with neighbors and people at church. Everyone is stuck in their own little lives, dramas, work. Keep at it- be your friendly self- eventually you’ll find a friend who lives nearby and who is willing to put in some of the work of the friendship. It is hard though, no doubt!

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Trisha September 8, 2012 at 3:24 am

isolation is a definite fat-sentence for us fat and former fat girls, that’s for sure.

those many nights of isolation contributed to alteast 100 lbs of gain for me!!

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AimeeWrites September 8, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I wish you lived here, because I’d kidnap you for girls time and SHOW you how much I want you to be there!

I’m having the same difficulty making friends, for slightly different reasons, but it is REALLY hard to make good friends as an adult. I’m working on it. I saw advice somewhere online last week that said, “If you want to make friends, BE a friend to someone else.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot. There’s another mom at school I get along with well, and she has all of her friends already, having lived here most of her life, but I am going to keep inviting her over for coffee, trying to build a relationship. She seems to enjoy my company, so maybe she would like that. It’s outside my comfort zone, but I’m committing to it.

What will YOU commit to in order to build a friendship? I’m challenging you, Holly! If I can do it, so can you!
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