Madame Blueberry and her wily ways

July 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

I have been trying to include foods

That are healthy

And a suggestion to me this week was

Blueberries

These are supposed to be a good thing to eat

Before a workout

Unfortunately, though,….I am ME

And being me can be annoying

When it comes to food

Because I bought these blueberries

Knowing in advance

That I probably wasn’t going to be able to handle it

It’s not that I love blueberries

Or have ever binged on blueberries

But here is the thing about them

They come in little bunches

And you can POP them

Grab a handful

And pop them one at a time

You know what that reminds me of?

M and M’s

Skittles

Maltballs

Chocolate covered anything

Bite sized Candy

Fun size they call it?

FUN?

Oh it’s fun alright….

Unless you can’t stop

And it leads to diabetes and high blood pressure and life altering obesity

Things that you POP

Are dangerous for me

Remember this commercial?

Once you pop, you can’t stop!

That’s more than just a catchy jingle on a commercial to me

THAT IS MY REALITY

Because I used to carry M and M’s in my purse

Everywhere I went

One pound bags of them

They were there to ease anxiety or stress or depression

And I would pop them like pills

Because that is what they were to me

Anxiety Pills

Happy Pills

So this week

When I suddenly I found myself with a harmless carton of blueberries

Without even realizing it

I was enjoying it

WAY TOO MUCH

Because I was popping them

And that took me back

Cue the song

Memories…..

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

 

If you’ve ever seen Cats

I just took you back, right?

Of course the problem for me

Is that that while popping those blueberries

Triggered the thought of pleasant memories

Of sweet bags filled to the brim with my fun size treats

The reality is that there was nothing FUN

About being addicted to food

There was nothing FUN

About fracturing my foot several times in a span of five years

Due to my own weight crushing it

There was nothing FUN

About not being able to participate in my kids lives

Because Reeses and Snickers owned me

There is something about bite sized food you can pop

That gives me trouble

It’s a trigger for me

Because it gives me some kind of release

Some kind of enjoyment

Peace

And getting peace from food

Spells DANGER

And while it makes no logical sense

It still works—for a time

And popping blueberries

Sets off a pattern in my mind

Triggers memories of that pound bag of M and M’s

That used to live in my purse

Blueberries today

Mini reeses peanut butter cups tomorrow

Followed by malt balls

Followed by a pound of M and M’s taking residence in my purse

And that can’t happen

So while blueberries are really good for you

They aren’t good for me

Unfortunately for blueberries

They get a bad rap

Simply because

They are a food you can pop

And for me—it will lead to bad things

It frustrates me that I’m like this

That I can’t just eat something for its nutritional value

Simply because I have a psychological issue with food

It bothers me

It annoys me

But at the end of the day

It’s a part of me

And I get that now

We all have our issues

This is mine

And accepting that I will never have a totally normal relationship to food

Is just part of my journey

We all have something that can cause us to stumble

That thorn in the flesh that may never be removed (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Maybe it’s there for a reason

To keep us humble

To remind us that our own strength is not enough

When I think about it that way

It’s a good thing

Because it keeps me close

To the One whose strength can move mountains

But if a blueberry leads to M and M’s

Then I can’t eat them

So big deal

Just add it to the long list of food

I can’t touch

So I may have issues when it comes to food

But I won’t live in denial of them anymore

Like someone allergic to peanuts

Pretending they’re not

Until their throat swells up and they can’t breathe

That’s where denial will get you

We all have our issues, right?

Mine is with food

But I’m learning how to ┬áhandle them

What I can and can’t eat

And at the end of the day

Food is just fuel

If one thing gives me trouble

Then I’ll find something else that doesn’t

Because food will NOT rule my life

It won’t derail me

It won’t control me

It’s funny, right?

That a carton of blueberries could have that kind of power?

But it could

If l let it

You have to know yourself

What sets you off

What can throw you off course

That knowledge

Is the power that will keep you on track

And that is something

That I can never stop paying attention to

It’s what keeps me in control

Because who wants their life

Being derailed by a blueberry?

Not me!

 

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Amanda July 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Good for your for recognizing that a characteristic of even a healthy food can be a trigger for unhealthy habits to re-emerge. Very impressive!
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lori July 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm

The important thing here is thatyou recognize your limitations. You do what works for you. Not what some so called expert says is the right thing to do. Be strong. You’ll find something else just as healthy if not moreso to fill the blueberry gap.
Lori
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Adelyn July 16, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I love how self aware you are. So amazing to watch.
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Deidra July 16, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Good post…and good for you for recognizing a trigger food. Food addiction is not fun, even if the food promises a good time. I need to pay more attention to find my trigger foods.

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RockbandBarbie July 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

That is exactly why I don’t buy grapes (I don’t like bluberries). I will just keep popping them in my mouth. I guess I never really realized the relation to whole “popping” thing…but I did used to love to pop a bunch of peanut butter m&m’s.
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Trish @I_am_Succeeding July 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Bravo!!!!!
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Vertical Mom July 16, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Kudos to you for seeing that! If you really want the value of blueberries without the trigger then try them in a smoothie. Buy the frozen ones that aren’t “poppable”. You’ll get all the benefits of blueberries and none of the trigger. Hang strong!!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 16, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Brilliant!!! I am totally going to try this!

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Gi July 17, 2012 at 12:46 am

I have the same problem with any type of berries, I find the best option is to only buy them when I am baking ie oat and blueberry bars. That way I still can eat them without things getting out of control!
xx
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Sheila July 17, 2012 at 2:39 am

I am so inspired by you Holly and your dedication and committment to overcome the food addiction. The fact that you were able to make the connection between popping good-for-you blueberries and M & M’s in your mouth is astounding. I wouldn’t have ever thought of that. Just proves that you are working on every aspect of this, and I commend you for it. Also thanks for giving me a trip down memory lane, as we used to LOVE watching the Veggie Tales when the girls were young. Singing along and laughing and having a good time with all those Veggies. Thanks. ­čÖé
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Kelly @CurvyFitGirl July 17, 2012 at 3:52 am

I huge puffy heart you. That is all.
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Karen p July 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm

You are very , very smart Holly. Bravo!
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Debra May 14, 2015 at 1:40 am

Frozen wild blueberries are best and you could not pop those as your fingers would be blue and they would make a mess in the bottom of your purse. Try them in oatmeal.
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