Get out of the net

July 17, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Shame is Satan’s laughter morphed into a human emotion–Beth Moore

Ever been laughed at?

How many of us have felt

Like that kid in the hallway at school

Who doesn’t fit in

The pain of rejection

Of not feeling good enough

 Do not let my enemies laugh at me (Psalm 25:2)

Ever felt that way?

No one likes to be laughed at

But what the enemy intends

Is to cast a net of shame over you

So that even when you get away from your past

You find yourself still holding on to the shame

That your past may have brought you

For me–there was shame attached to being over 400 pounds

Getting stuck in a turnstyle

Breaking a chair

Breaking a toilet seat

Having to have a chair placed on the end of the booth because you don’t fit

And sitting out there in the aisle

With the world knowing it’s because you’re too big for the booth

The stares

Even the glares

From those who judge

The truth is

Whether the shame comes from within or without

It’s there

But no matter what you weighed

You didn’t need to feel ashamed

You were deserving of love and respect before you lost the weight

Because no one is perfect

Just because some people don’t wear their problems on their hips

Doesn’t mean they don’t have them

It just means they can hide them better

But spend enough years in obesity

Break enough chairs

Get stuck in enough places

Take in enough stares

And you’ll internalize it

The shame

And then when you find yourself breaking free from it

Losing weight

Getting healthier

You’ll still look in the mirror

And feel shame

You’ll still think

I’m not worthy

I’m not deserving

Things come your way

And maybe you’ll sabotage it

Because deep down inside

You still believe what was said about you

That you’re not worth it

If you walk away from obesity

If you lose the weight

If you’ve been delivered

Why are you still standing in the shame?

Because when you do that

You’re going to start thinking

Why am I doing this?

Why am I getting up early to work out?

Why am I denying myself brownies?

Because now I feel worse

So what’s the point?

If I’m going to feel like junk

I might as well eat and lay on the couch

At least then I’ll feel better, right?

Are you really thinking this?

Are you considering going back??

Don’t let the shame you may feel from you past

Keep you from the hope of your future

You are not the only one who has plans for your life

Because while you have a plan

And God has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11-13)

The enemy has a plan too (John 10:10)

And never underestimate his enthusiasm at carrying it out

While we may get lazy with executing our plans sometimes

He never takes a day off

And the more successful you are at walking away from the net that ensnared you

The more intent he is on resetting the traps

He intends to keep you in bondage

That’s what he wants

Your feet ensnared in his net of lies

Because he wants you to go back

You’re setting yourself free

You’re making good decisions

But if the enemy can keep the shame weighing you down

If he can ensnare you in his net

Then you’ll start looking down

You’ll see the net and not the hope

You’ll see the past and not the future

Don’t look there

At the shame of your past

I’ve broken chairs

I’ve broken toilet seats

And not all of them were at MY house

I’ve had to offer to pay people for the things I’ve broken

While they tried to make light of the issue

Embarrassed too and not knowing how to react

I’ve been turned away from rides

Or had to wait an extra 25 minutes for a table

Because I couldn’t fit in a booth

While apologizing to the group I was with for the delay

I’ve heard children make comments to my kids

That their mom is ‘really big’

And watched my children pretend they didn’t hear it

While trying to distract me because they didn’t want my feelings hurt

I’ve missed my children’s award ceremonies and events

Because I could no longer fit on the bench

And I was too big to stand up on my own two feet without crushing them

I’ve had my husband look in my eyes and tell me

That there was a reason he had to cheat

Because I was no longer attractive anymore

I’ve had my mother lay in a hospital bed on life support for 3 days

Dying

While I sat here in my house because I was too big to get on a plane

Do you think there is not enough shame in my past

To keep me from even getting out of bed in the morning if I let it?

Does that just disappear because the weight drops?

Does the shame shrink along with the body?

Not for me

In some ways, becoming more mobile

Being able to do more things

Makes you realize all the more

Just how many years of your life you missed out on

And like a wave that looks mild from the distance

It suddenly becomes bigger and stronger than expected

The closer you get to your goal

The Enemy has a way of reminding you

Of the years you lost

Of the chairs you broke

Of the shame you felt

He will use that against you

To make you feel like you aren’t worth another chance

Another crack at life

Because what you’re fighting for right now

He is fighting just as hard

To keep you from getting it

He doesn’t want you to know

That your shame will be traded for blessings (Isaiah 61:7)

That the years stolen from you will be redeemed (Joel 2:25)

That you are not condemned (Romans 8:1)

That you have a promise of hope (Psalm 31:24)

The enemy will never reveal to you

That you have more power than him (Luke 10:19)

Your redemption will come when you look forward

Not backward

Lift up your head and ask Him to cut the net that ensnares you (Psalm 25:15)

Don’t let the shame of your past

Ruin the hope of your future

Because sometimes the one we have to forgive

Is ourselves

So while you’re busy planning meals and working out

Don’t forget

To take care of business

Forgive yourself

Release the shame

Because it’s dangerous

It will take you back if you don’t

Back to the past

Back to the food

Back to the chains

Don’t let it

Find the scissors

And cut the net that ensnares you

Then step out

And soar (Isaiah 40:31)

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Courtney July 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Shame is an awful thing. You’re right too, because it can show up so far down the road from the event that you’re completely caught off guard. I’ve got about 70 lbs to lose, 50 of that was put on during/after I had my daughter and went through a really rough patch. The shame I feel for being so much heavier now can be overwhelming. It is easy to believe the lie that I have less rights for being big, to feel apologetic that people even have to look at me. I never thought about it as shame until reading what you wrote, and honestly, I still struggle to think of myself as having the same rights as everyone else. But thinking about this and looking into those verses you mentioned is a great place to start. Thanks for sharing and encouraging me today!
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Melanie July 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Wow. This is such an insightful post, and it certainly struck a chord with me. Thanks.
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Trish @I_am_Succeeding July 17, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I totally can relate to what you are saying and it hurts. I hurt for you. I hurt for me. And all that have fallen victim to stuffing their feelings with food.
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EmDub July 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I often live in the land of denial. Although I can remember a few times people have said rude or hurtful things, I’m sure I have ignored and forgotten a great deal more. For me, shame isn’t how big I am now. It is all those times when I was thinner and I ate too much, went to the drive through, and the years that I did not exercise at all.

Thanks for the reminder that releasing the shame and not dwelling on the past is so very powerful. In reference to the butterflies in training, it is the difference between being a butterfly and being a butterfly that uses it’s wings to soar.
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Lori July 17, 2012 at 10:42 pm

What a great insight. I’d never thought about shame being the key for relapse and/or quitting.
Lori

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Nikki Mohamed July 18, 2012 at 2:45 am

Hugs and prayers and more cyber HOORAYS for you. I have a different net holding me back lately…but I’ll figure out how to get out of it soon enough. Maybe. I think my teenagers are holding it down on the sides….I’ll get them, though……..

and I’ll survive….(Gloria Gaynor….where is SHE today? just sayin’.)
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Jeanette July 18, 2012 at 3:42 am

Holly, you have so many of the same feelings and thoughts that I do and I thank you so much for having the courage to write them down. I have felt so much shame and continue to for most of my life. Then there is the fear I have of going to new places and meeting new people because they may not think I am good enough because of my size. I know what its like to not want to go anywhere new to eat because I don’t know if I will fit in the seats. I know what its like to not fit in the booth and how embarrassing that is. It becomes so much easier to just stay home and not deal with the fear and pain and all the what ifs. The bigger I have gotten the smaller my world has become. I am so happy for you and proud of you for all that you have done to turn your world around. You are beautiful inside and out. You are helping more people than you know. I agree God wants us to have the victory that we have let the ememy take from us. God bless you on your continued journey.

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Diane, fit to the finish July 18, 2012 at 10:30 am

Shame is debilitating and hurtful whether we internalize it or hear it from other people. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this. You are on the path to wellness, and I’m so glad for you!
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Carrie July 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm

You are something else, girl. I love how you just open your soul and let it pour out.

Shame is ugly. It’s sad. And it’s something we’ve all been through. Thank you for sharing and being who you are. You’re a doll to me.
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