Finding My Worth

July 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

I don’t know if others struggle with this

Or if it’s just me

But I find myself at times

Feeling worthless

As if I have no real value

Being a mother is often a thankless job

If you’ve ever spent countless hours

Changing diapers,  washing bottles, cleaning toilets

Standing over a pile of dishes

Cooking, folding laundry, and re-organizing that which you had just organized

An hour before

And doing all of it off of 2 hours of sleep (if you were lucky)

You may find yourself questioning your mission in life

Babies can’t say “thank you”

And when those babies get older, they often don’t view what you are doing as anything out of the ordinary

They may just expect it because you’re Mom

That’s your job

That’s what you do…right?

I didn’t fully appreciate my Mom until I became a mother myself

And even then….I don’t think her full worth dawned on me

Until she was gone

Even now I find myself missing all the little things I took for granted

My mom was always doing things

Like sending me unexpected gifts and cards in the mail

The UPS guy used to joke with me ….”Someone likes QVC!”

Because my mother was always sending me things from there

Sometimes I feel like a fraud

Because often someone will comment that I’ve done a great job at surviving my divorce

When the truth is

My mother swooped in from above and intervened

She helped me with everything

She made sure I didn’t sink in the muddy details of divorce

And when I started to, she pulled me out of my own mire

Always telling me that I was worthy and valued and precious

And now that she’s gone, I have to make a point

To tell myself those things

I’ve struggled at times to place a value on what I do

To feel that I’m worth anything at all

That’s where food gets its power over me

It feeds the empty space inside me that cries out for attention

It feeds it with sugar and sweets

Keeping it at bay

Quieting those uncomfortable emotions that make me question my worth

Yesterday I posted about feeling Irrelevant

My annual pity party of sorts

It happens every year

The children leave for 2 weeks

And I inevitably feel worthless

Wondering if I have any purpose aside from wiping runny noses

And playing Taxi Cab Driver to my children’s activities

In their absence, I am met with a silence and emptiness

That makes me question if I have a purpose or worth outside of being their Mom

In these times, I would run to food

But now I am teaching myself to run to Him

The One who can give me answers outside myself

Outside the box of donuts

I always find it ironic when He teaches me something so timely

As if it’s random

As if I stumbled upon that passage  by accident

But when I ask Him to show me the way

He does (Matthew 7:7)

Today instead of cracking open a soda and bag of chips

I cracked open His word and found myself “randomly” at John Chapter 8

Reading this, I find myself witnessing a back and forth argument of sorts

Between Jesus and the Pharisees

Not an argument really

But more of a bashing

Where the Pharisees spend all their time telling Jesus that He has no value

No Worth

“Who do you think you are??” , they continually say

You’re NO ONE

You’re NOBODY

Wow….I think to myself…..Can i ever relate!!!

As soon as I put my children on the plane

These are the thoughts rattling around in my head

Who are you now, Holly?

Without a husband

Without your children

You’re NO ONE

You’re NOBODY

But Jesus doesn’t absorb what they say

Accept it as truth

Instead He replies to them by identifying who He is

I belong to God

He sent me

He gave me purpose

I don’t listen to you

I listen to Him who sent me (John 8:47)

But the Pharisees continue to mock Him

They even suggest that because He is the ONLY ONE defending Himself

That it’s an invalid argument!

“You are testifying on your own behalf!!  So your testimony is NOT  valid and is WORTHLESS because you have no one to back you up” (John 8:13)

Have you ever felt totally alone?

Without back up?

Sometimes I find myself alone in the car

Or in the house

When these feelings of inadequacy or irrelevance attack me

I don’t need a crowd of Pharisees to do the job!

I do a fine job all on my own of cutting myself down

I’m sure the Enemy has plenty of fun planting seeds of worthlessness in there as well

After all, he knows that is the quickest way to get me calling Dominoes for delivery

Or face first into a cake

When I answer back, I am also met with the reply of

“Look around you—you are ALONE—no one is here to back up your claims that you’re worth something.”

SO IT DOESN’T COUNT

You don’t have a husband to claim you have worth

In fact, the one you had threw you away

Declared you had no value

Your children aren’t here to testify to your value

And your word ALONE means nothing

They said the same thing to Jesus

And this was His reply

“Even if I do testify on my own behalf, my testimony is true and reliable and valid.  It is written that the testimony of two persons is reliable and valid.  I am one bearing testimony concerning myself; And My Father also testifies on my behalf” (John 8:14-18)

In other words, I AM NOT ALONE

Any time I defend myself against thoughts of worthlessness

I need to remember

That I have back up

I have One who testifies to my value right along with me

But no matter what Jesus said to the Pharisees about His Identity

They returned it with scorn and bashing

Even suggesting he was INSANE (John 8:48)

I don’t know a sleep deprived mother out there

Who hasn’t at one time or another felt like they were going crazy

And anytime you’re under attack

You might feel that way

Like you’re standing at the crossroads

And there is Insanity staring you down

Just a few steps to the right…and welcome to Crazy Town!

 

For me, much of this stems from my past

From when my husband left me

He would often tell me I was worthless

And That I had no value

When I would try to assert myself

To say…that’s not true…..I matter….I count

He would say “You’re crazy….You’re insane….”

If someone tells you that enough times

You start to question yourself

Maybe I am…you think….

Maybe I’m nuts

But instead of buying into this

Jesus responded

I am NOT crazy (John 8:49)

You despise, dishonor and scorn me (John 8:49)

However I am NOT in search of honor for myself

I do not seek and I  am not aiming for my OWN glory (John 8:50)

There is One who looks after that for me

He seeks my glory

And HE is the judge (John 8: 50)

This was a turning point for me

When I read this

 A lightbulb went on in my head

When I’m sitting here feeling worthless because my children are gone

Or devalued because my husband left me

When I’m questioning my very purpose in life

Because they aren’t here to somehow give it value

I have to stop and think

Am I seeking my own glory??

Am I looking for praise in what I do for them?

Is my identity wrapped up in being a Mom?

Was it wrapped up in being a wife?

And if it is—what now?

When all that is gone—then what?

Jesus said

If I were to glorify myself, I would have NO REAL GLORY

My glory would be nothing and worthless

It is My Father who glorifies me

Who praises me

Who gives me my worth (John 8:54)

I knew this already

But in the busyness of life

In the never ending roller coaster of motherhood

I forgot who I really was

I forgot my purpose

It’s not to bring glory to myself

To seek worth and value in what I DO

Or who I take care of

Because those things can be fleeting

They can come and go

God told me I am worthy

Even with no one else around

He tells me I have value

Not because of what I do

But simply because He loves me

I am loved with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3)

He longs to give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4)

And He is the One who will defend me (Psalm 68:5)

If I seek to find glory in what I do

I will always come up empty (John 5:41-44)

Because what we do often falls short

Or isn’t even acknowledged by those around us

But if we seek Him

If we do everything not for our own glory

Or for the praise of those around us

But for Him (1 Corinthians 10:31)

Source: google.com via Michelle on Pinterest

Then we can never go wrong

Because He sees all we do

Every diaper, dish and dirty laundry pile

Every bit of effort we put into our families

Into our dreams

Even into our efforts to make healthy choices

He sees it all

And He appreciates it

If we allow our honor and glory to come from Him

Then we will never cease to feel loved

To feel valued

Because He is always there (Hebrews 13:5)

When everyone else is gone

He is still standing beside us

Saying “Well Done” (Luke 19:17)

Sometimes it takes these moments

For me to be reminded

That who I am is not based on those around me

It takes time to work through these emotions

These feelings

But by taking the time to address these issues

I avoid the bakery

I steer clear of the candy aisle

Those temporary boosts only serve to defeat us in the end

To keep us from getting to the root of the problem

Yesterday I felt Irrelevant

But not today

Today I feel deserving, worthy, valued

And so are you

You are deserving, worthy and valued

No matter who you are

Or where life has brought you

No matter what you weigh

No matter what the mirror or scale reflects

No matter what those around you might say

There is One who says

YOU ARE WORTHY (Acts 22:14)

And His love comes without calories

Without the guilt a king size Snickers will bring

Those things have no real power to comfort you

But He will look after that for you

He will be your Comforter

Your Defender

Seek your worth in Him

Only then will you find the well that never runs dry (Isaiah 58:11; John 4:13-14)

He will give you the honor and respect you seek

If you let Him

 

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

April @ Red Dirt Mama July 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I needed this today! Thank you!

Reply

Linda Kuil July 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm

He only said those things to make HIMSELF feel better because of the person he had become. He had to believe those things to justify what he was doing.

Reply

Lady Amanda July 23, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Loved talking to you yesterday. Am super proud of you and all you have accomplished. Am soo excited about your 7 pound weight loss. All of your hard work is paying off. Love you!

Reply

Jeanette July 23, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Thank you for once again writing and sharing your heart and life. The lines that spoke so loudly to me were food fills the empty space inside me that calls out for attention and quieting those uncomfortable emotions that make me question my own worth. Thats how I feel but couldn’t put into words. I believe you are helping so many people and I thank you because I know its not easy to open up to people about the pain you are feeling. God bless you and continue to use you to bless others.

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Courtney July 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Like your liquid fast helped you reassess the function and value of food, it seems to me that this motherhood sabbatical is serving the same purpose both emotionally and spiritually. Jesus often went to solitary places for a time to reconnect with his heavenly father. I think God is giving you that opportunity in these two weeks. It sounds very much like you’re open and ready to hear what He has for you. I pray you continue to find truths and refreshment in this time!
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Nikki Nicholas Mohamed July 24, 2012 at 1:57 am

Thank you for your truths, be they good, bad or ugly.
Also, I think it’s so cool that even while you are struggling you realize that it IS the journey and not the destination that is your prize. You are shedding more than pounds, Lady. You are shedding the baggage that was holding you back. And you are gaining so much in the way of strength, patience, pride, self-esteem, and confidence along the way. Keep up the good work.
Nikki Nicholas Mohamed recently posted..Forgive but Not ForgetMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 24, 2012 at 3:26 am

Thanks Nikki!! I really appreciate all the feedback and encouragement you give!

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Lee Mitchell July 24, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I am proud of you and for all that you share. I love reading your blog and I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. No worries if you dont want to talk about it on your blog, Just want to let you know I appreciate you.
Lee Mitchell recently posted..Versatile Blogger AwardMy Profile

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 24, 2012 at 4:28 pm

wow that is so nice!!

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Melissa Howell July 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I just want to say that I have recently left my full time career to be a stay at home mom to my beautiful new 8 week old daughter, Isabella. I have really been feeling like I am worthless and useless as all I do is change diapers, wash bottles, pay bills etc. I really needed what you wrote and I am ever grateful that you shared it. Thank you
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Greta August 2, 2012 at 3:25 pm

I just wanted to let you know how much your blog has inspired me. You are a warrior for losing as much weight as you have, and as the pounds melt away, the insecurities and lies and cruelty that made the pounds come in the first place have to go, too. No one who has as much drive to lose half of themselves like you can ever think that they are less than incredible. And that’s what you are! I’m so blessed to have come across your blog, and I know I’m not the only one. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, and how God has pulled you through. Amazing. 🙂

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Gen November 4, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Who are you?
You are Holly.
Children or not.
Husband or not.
Family or not.
Friends or not.
You are still Holly.
You are loved by the Father and chosen by the Son.

I’ve learned that when someone abuses another (verbal, emotional, physical), that person’s self-esteem is low. So low that in order to make themselves feel better…worth more, they have to bring others down lower than they feel. Never doubt who you are. Shame on him (or anyone else for that matter) that tries to make you feel less of a person! The Bible also states that the last shall be first and the first shall be last. Makes you wish that all of those bullies would read this. 🙂
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Angie July 5, 2015 at 6:32 am

I was up late, crying, feeling misunderstood and not valued and alone (with no one to defend me). And I found your post, and it was the friendly voice that I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing, and by sharing helping others such as myself to feel less alone : )

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