Feeling Irrelevant

July 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

As a single mom, I have my children 24 hours a day

Since I don’t live near any family

And their Dad is stationed out of the country

I am literally IT

This can be a tremendous pressure on me at times

But as the years have gone on, I’ve adjusted

There never is a moment when I’m truly alone

Or have a moment to myself

Except ONCE a year

When they go visit their father for 1-2 weeks

I can’t really explain what it’s like

To never be off the clock

To never shut down

To be “on duty” 24 hours a day

And then suddenly

For 2 weeks

To punch out

At first, it’s kind of exciting

I have the whole day to myself

I can do whatever I want

No responsibilities

But then it sinks in

The kids are gone

The silence takes over

I can hear EVERYTHING in the house

Even the ceiling fans

Usually my house is so filled with chaos and noise

That I am begging for a moment of peace

And then I get it

The problem is that I live in extremes

Most of the time I don’t have a second to think

And then very suddenly

I have two weeks to do nothing BUT think

Just me and my thoughts

And that can be dangerous

It’s strange to feel the pressure all year that you are all they’ve got

And then suddenly to have 2 weeks of being virtually

IRRELEVANT

Because  that’s how I end up feeling

During these 2 weeks I realize

That if I wasn’t here

Someone else would take care of them

If I wasn’t here

Life would go on

That as much as it seems I’m the driving force behind this adventure

If I was gone tomorrow—the world would keep turning without me

After my husband left me

I felt irrelevant frequently

I was no longer an Army wife

My military ID was stripped from me

I couldn’t even get my children on the base to go to the doctor

Without special permission

11 years of living on military bases

And suddenly….I was an outsider

EXILED

And when these family vacations would come up

I was no longer invited

Because I was no longer part of the family

I was removed from the list

Evicted

Given the boot

Replaced with a new woman

Who now takes care of my children since I’m not there

It’s a weird feeling

Like an alternate universe

Taking your children to an airport to drop them off with the woman who took your place

Knowing she is the one taking care of them for those 2 weeks

It makes you keenly aware

Of how easily you can be replaced

And that’s when I start to feel

IRRELEVANT

INSIGNIFICANT

At first I slap that feeing away

Like a fly buzzing around my head

A minor annoyance

But then the days go on

And that fly

Becomes bigger

And louder

The silence ironically becomes deafening

And I wonder

Do I even exist?

You know that saying

If a tree falls in the forest

And no one  is there to hear it

Does it still make a sound?

That’s how I feel every year about this time

With my kids gone

My purpose for existing seems to cease

That’s my full time job

And as important as it seems

There are two weeks out of the year

Where I realize

That maybe I’m not as important as I think I am

Maybe I’m

REPLACEABLE

If my husband could replace me before he even walked out the door

Perhaps my children could too?

What if I’m really irrelevant?

What if I’m insignificant?

That’s not a good feeling to have

But it’s real

And it’s a struggle

When I feel this way, I have to remind myself

Of what Jesus had to say about our significance

Luke 15:3-6

New International Version (NIV)

Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’

 

Apparently, Jesus did not feel us to be insignificant at all

To him, we each count

In fact, Jesus made a hobby out of reaching out to those

Who felt insignificant

Taking time to heal a paralyzed man who had been pushed aside (John 5:1-9)

Doing the same for the lepers who had been exiled by society (Luke 17:11-15)

And in the end

Giving up His only Son for us

John 3:16

New International Version (NIV)

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son,that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

It seems to me

That despite what I’m feeling

About my insignificance

The reality

Is that Jesus goes after the lost sheep

He cares for each of us individually

To Him, we are NOT insignificant

We are not irrelevant

Even if we feel that way at the time

In the past, I would feed my feelings

With cupcakes and twinkies

But today

I fed my feelings with truth

And I made a conscious decision

That I can cry or sweat

Or both

But if liquid is going to be falling from my face

At least half of that

Will be sweat

Last year this time I was crying into my food

But this year

If I’m going to be crying

It’s going to be at the gym

And not in a box of Twinkies

Because  while I may FEEL irrelevant right now

That feeling will NOT last forever

And the choices I make

While I’m feeling that way

Are VERY relevant to my life

And to the lives of those around me

Feelings come and go

And soon the two weeks will be up

The children will return

The chaos will resume

The noise will commence

But the choices I made

While walking through those feelings

Will live on

Did I eat the feelings away?

Or did I sweat them away?

Every day we have a choice

And I’m here to say

Today I made a good one

But it’s not easy

Every day is a fight

So put the gloves on

And get in the ring

And if you get knocked down

Get up again

Because you’re NOT irrelevant

You’re worth fighting for!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed to have future articles delivered to your feed reader.

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Nikki Nicholas Mohamed July 22, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Sister, you just said a mouthful: At the end of the day who you are is totally and completely up to you!

We ALWAYS have a choice. We can choose to wallow in our own self-pity or we can choose to change the things about us that we dislike in ourselves. God bless you and know that you ARE relevant; that you ARE significant. And enjoy the 2 weeks of someone else wiping your kids’ noses. YOU are having a vacation from YOUR full-time job. Live it up.
Nikki Nicholas Mohamed recently posted..What Randa Doesn’t SniffMy Profile

Reply

Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 22, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Thanks Nikki!! You are right! I need to stop decorating for my pity party and start enjoying this time! It will be gone before I know it!!
Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted..Feeling IrrelevantMy Profile

Reply

Steelers6 July 22, 2012 at 2:34 pm

That IS too extremes, isn’t it. Wow.
Too bad your “days off” can’t be spread
out a bit more.

I love how you made a decision to
sweat/work out this time. Its very foreign
thinking, but I think you should make
this time all about you. Make it as full
as is comfy for you.
Visit, or plan a getaway w Amanda.
Visit your bro?
Maybe you could meet your bro & close
up Nana’s apt.
Spa, mini vaca, yard catch up, paint
projects, read, movie, exercise of
course, maybe NADA!!

Does it go well for the kids? They like the
visit & the change?

I’ll leave you with a thought…when
satan tries to get your mind goin, &
you think abt insignificance, think abt
how happy the kids are when they
see you when they come home!! And
re read a post or 2 abt the kids love
for you. Wow. You all have a real bond,
very special.
Chrissy

Reply

Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 22, 2012 at 4:09 pm

All of those suggestions were awesome!! Thanks Chrissy!
Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted..Feeling IrrelevantMy Profile

Reply

Linda Kuil July 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I didn’t finish reading this yet because I’m so fired up about what I’m reading! You can NEVER EVER be replaced as your children’s MOM! They will only have one MOM EVER and you are it! No one can love your kids like you can and that “woman” (I use the term loosely because I don’t think a real woman would do what she did to another woman), is merely a caretaker. Your kids know that. That is exactly why I started to take care of myself. I didn’t want my kids to be without a MOM. I thought about the grief they would experience and it broke my heart. They should be old and grey when I leave this earth, not because I had a heart attack from being overweight and unhealthy. STOP SELLING YOURSELF SHORT LADY OR I’M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND GIVE YOU A KICK IN THE PANTS!!!

Reply

Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 22, 2012 at 4:09 pm

hahaha!! Linda you made my day! And you are more than welcome to come out here and kick me in the pants ANYTIME!!!
Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted..Feeling IrrelevantMy Profile

Reply

Ronda July 22, 2012 at 4:02 pm

My heart aches for you. I can’t even imagine 2 weeks without my kids. I think I would want to climb into bed and not get out until it was time to pick them up.
You are one strong lady and I have every confidence you will get through this obstacle, as you have gotten through all the others along the way.
Thinking of you today.

Reply

Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 22, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Thanks Ronda!!
Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted..Feeling IrrelevantMy Profile

Reply

Amy July 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

You are the constant in their lives. You’re a great mom who is doing fabulous things to make sure you’re around for those kiddos for a long time. Enjoy some time alone, refresh, and STOP those negative thoughts, lady! 🙂 🙂 When I feel down, I go back to my blog and read it from day 1.
Amy recently posted..The coolest bento box-storage thingie!My Profile

Reply

Merrily July 22, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Holly, you and I go through so much of the same feelings and emotions! I’m so glad that we have a big God who cares for us and every detail and emotion that we feel. I’m also glad we get to walk through this together. God has big plans for you, my sister! He’s using you in ways you don’t even realize. It’s hard to be slung through the mud sometimes, but sometimes it’s the best way to get to where God wants us to be. He really does have awesome plans for you. And I’m so glad you’ve chosen the path to be obedient! See you at the box tomorrow!
Your friend and pal, Merrily
Merrily recently posted..Never Ending Chase to Find Contentment: Five Ways to Find HappinnessMy Profile

Reply

Caron July 22, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Keep reading and believing the last four lines of your post. It is true! 🙂
Caron recently posted..Weekly Exercise and FoodMy Profile

Reply

Lori July 22, 2012 at 9:12 pm

You are NOT irrelivant. You can NOT be replaced. Your husband may have found someone else to be with but she is NOT you and never will be. You are special and unique in every way. There is no one else like you.

The world will continue once you are gone, but it won’t be the same. Your children won’t be the same, even if another woman steps in to the mothering role. She won’t and never will be their mother.

You have value because of who you are. Please don’t ever forget that.
Lori

Reply

Trish @I_am_Succeeding July 23, 2012 at 12:17 am

Yes you hit it right on the head…we all matter and it is so important to remember that.

Your kids could never replace you and I bet they miss you just as much as you miss them.
Trish @I_am_Succeeding recently posted..It’s Celtic… Boogie Woogie WoogieMy Profile

Reply

Gi July 23, 2012 at 1:42 am

Oh Holly this post saddens me AGAIN! Please don’t ever feel irrelevant! I know that it must be hard for you when your children go away for 2 weeks but know that you have people reading your blog that actually NEED your guidance and your inspiration! To me you are more than relevant you are one of my biggest inspirations not only in weight loss but how I hope to one day raise my children!
You have such a beautiful soul, I am sure know one could ever replace you!
Please know that you will always hold a special place in my heart and I am sure in a lot of other blog readers hearts!
xx
Gi recently posted..lap band quick updateMy Profile

Reply

Holly from 300 Pounds Down July 23, 2012 at 3:17 am

You have no idea how much this means to me. It was so sweet!!! Thank you so much. I really needed to read this tonight. Been really missing my kids a lot and feeling kind of sad. This was beautiful. Thank you !!!

Reply

darlene July 23, 2012 at 3:26 am

Good choices made! My daughter is with her dad this week too. And I miss her! But I also know there are so many things I can get done since she isnt here… so I will go to the gym, and then I will catch up on some cleaning and some projects around the house! Make sure you do something fun for you… read a book, watch a movie that isnt a cartoon, take a bath, get a pedicure! Go to the bathroom without someone bugging you-lol! Enjoy your “vacation” and some time for just you!

Reply

Sarah July 23, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Holly, it saddens me that you need to turn to the Bible to remind yourself that you are irreplaceable! The Bible is a valuable source of support but that you (who always tell us how devastated your mother’s passing was) could believe that you mean less to your children is beyond me. Look back at those photographs. Look at how your precious children light up when they put their arms around you, stand next to you or just be with you. YOU MAKE THEM LIGHT UP! Your ex-husband is a monumental jackass but your children love and support you. They dote on you and are proud of you beyond comprehension. They always always will be and to them you will never be irrelevant. xx

Reply

Amanda November 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Holly, what story would you have to share, if you had always been thin and fit and had no struggles? Something the last 3 yrs has taught me, is that I serve a God who doesn’t just take the broken parts of my life and glue them back together, like a favorite coffee cup, “fixed” but still damaged goods. Together, but not as good as it once had been. He makes it BETTER than it was before it was broken! I had a long internal debate, INNOCENCE vs. REDEMPTION, and in the end I learned that at least for me, God is not just gluing me back together, He is making me better than my original, pre-fat, pre-broken self. I am not this heap of chipped glass that now God will just “manage” or try to “fix as best He can”, no matter what sin tries to destroy, when we turn it over to God, He makes it better than if it had never happened at all.

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: