Reflection

June 6, 2012 in Uncategorized

We were at CJ’s last baseball game

Savannah was sitting next to me

We were having a great time

CJ had just made it to 3rd base off his first swing!

Almost a home run!

We were so excited, cheering, happy

I looked over at my daughter

She was smiling at me in her sunglasses

So I snapped a picture of her

But as I looked at the picture

I began to frown

And said

“UGH…Oh my gosh….HORRIBLE…EEEECK!”

The litany continued

“Wow.  I can’t believe how disgusting this is.  I’m deleting this one NOW”

Suddenly I look over at my daughter

And she is staring at me in horror

“Wow Mom. THANKS.  Good to know I’m disgusting…SHEESH!”

And I realized suddenly that she thought I was talking about her!

Because we were having fun

And she was smiling

And I snapped a picture of her

But in looking at the picture

I was making comments of BLECH!

And EWWW!

And disgusting, horrible, must delete now!

I told her

No you have it all wrong

It’ s not YOU that is the problem

It’s ME

Because when I snapped that picture of her

I saw a reflection of MYSELF in her sunglasses

Not me so much

As my ARM

My big fat arm

That despite losing 160 pounds

Is still a giant batwing

And that was all I could see in that moment

Was that giant imperfection

The smile erased from my face

I said to her “Why didn’t you tell me I looked like this??”

“Why did you let  me walk out of the house in this shirt?”

“Clearly I need to buy shirts with longer sleeves.  This is horrendous!”

Savannah took the camera from me and stared at the picture

Looking at the reflection of me in her sunglasses

 

 

She handed it back and stared at me

WHAT? I said…

“Mom, how can you be this way?”

“You’re looking at me and seeing a reflection of yourself”

“And you think it’s disgusting?”

Well YES I said

Quite frankly, honestly, YES

Because my arm is huge and no matter what I’ve done in the past year

That’s all I can see

She answers me

 

Mom, it doesn’t matter if I have my sunglasses on or not

When anyone looks at me, they will ALWAYS see a reflection of you in my eyes

Because I am your daughter.  And when they see me–they see you

I am who I am because of YOU.  And I don’t think that’s a bad thing

So deal with it”

 

We sat there through the rest of the baseball game

Not discussing the picture

But not deleting it

When the game was over and we were packing up to go home

My daughter looked at me

And pointed to her forehead

“See this Mom?? That’s a zit.  I had covered it with make up but I don’t care now”

Savannah…what’s your point?

The point is MOM that you don’t have to be perfect.  At least that is what YOU told ME”

There was my daughter

Reminding me of what I already knew

That this journey is NOT about perfection

Did I start out counting mailboxes because I cared about my batwings

Or thighs

Or my abs

No

It was because I wanted to live

To see my children grow up

To go to their baseball games

To play with them

And maybe see grandchildren one day

LIFE not PERFECTION

Was the goal

And in an instant I forgot that

So what if I have big arms?

Big thighs?

Even a big butt?

Is that really the point?

All these things are getting smaller every day that goes by

With hard work and determination

But if at the end of it all

I see my reflection

And think

DISGUSTING

Then what have I learned?

I will never be perfect

And that’s Ok

Because perfection is not the goal

And if my daughter believes that my reflection

Is exactly what it needs to be

Then I think I should take her at her word

We must remember

To treat ourselves with the same kindness

We give to others

Because at the end of the day

We need to look at our reflection

And be ok with it

Because what she said is true

When people see our children

They will see a part of us reflected in their eyes

The question is

What will that reflection be?

 

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{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }

Angie Queen June 6, 2012 at 4:16 am

You should listen to your daughter!!!!! I have struggled with weight issues all my adult life…Love,Love, Love your story!!! Wishing you so much luck and encouragement!!!! Hang in There! You look Awesome!!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 6, 2012 at 4:24 am

Thanks Angie!!

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Staci June 6, 2012 at 4:43 am

I seriously think mom’s have those bat wings so they can get to their kids quicker in emergency situations. LOL 🙂 J/k. That is such a woman thing. My BFF hates her arms no matter how much weight she ever loses. My WW leader held up her arm the other week and flung around some small spat of blubber and declared she needed to do more triceps exercises. So I guess I’m saying – you ain’t alone, sista! Lighten up! (and that’s not a pun, hehe). You are looking awesome!
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Steelers6 June 6, 2012 at 5:30 am

Very cute pic of S.
My thought reading this were;

1. I could have said same thing to my dd, & prob have,
but that is not how i (prob we) want to talk around our
dd’s, I know. And like even with the zit, we try to encourage
THEM & want them to love & accept themselves…aren’t
we moms something. Haha (she must have been so
horrified thinking the put downs were directed at HER! But
I feel part of her point was since she is a reflection of you,
it still prob felt like somewhat of a put down toward her.?
Kwim?)

2. I scrutinize my appearance/size now too, but can’t wrap
my head around the fact that for many years it didn’t
matter that X was large, or that Y jiggled.? I refused to
really SEE, I guess, & now I do! Isn’t that kind of weird?

Hope this makes sense.
Chrissy

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Sarah June 6, 2012 at 8:24 am

How did you manage to get such inspiring children! They say so many deep and thought provoking things.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Oh thanks Sarah!!

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Liz June 6, 2012 at 10:52 am

You’re daughter is a very bright young lady. I think we all lose sight of why we are on this journey sometimes. You are lucky enough to have some one t o remind you 😉
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Tina June 6, 2012 at 11:46 am

great post (again)! I think this is always where I fall off the wagon. If I am high on life and my success, I keep going. But the moment I have a brush with reality (which always involves a mirror) I want to quit. Yes, I have been guilty of extreme shallowness. I think I’m reaching an age where I will be better at this part of the journey, but your post is a perfect reminder I will re-read on the day I freak about batwings or butt or…..

Thanks again for sharing your journey!
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Linda Kuil June 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

The hardest habit to break- bashing ourselves to a pulp over what we did to ourselves with food. I struggle with it every day. I hope to get better at talking to myself kindly.

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Amanda June 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

It’s so tough not getting up in those details, isn’t it? I tried on a dress this weekend with my daughter and made a comment about how i was afraid it made my arms look fat. She looked at me like I was nuts (not because it didn’t but because she couldn’t fathom caring about something like that) and asked if I really thought it did. I caught myself and said…”Now that I’m really looking…not so much.” But it did and I didn’t buy that dress but need to be so much more conscious of what I say in front of my girls. 🙂
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joy June 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Wow what a beautiful lesson!! Your daughter has a lot of wisdom!

Keep focused!

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Sweet Addy June 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Your daughter is beautiful, both inside and out.
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Trish June 6, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Yep gotta listen to those young ones. They are pretty smart!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Thanks Trish!! And you’re almost there!! The date is approaching. So happy for you!

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Wendie June 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

You are beautiful, your kids are beautiful, and what you are doing is beautiful!
I love your blog, your honesty, and look forward to reading every new post! Thank you!!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Thank you so much Wendie!

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Dawn June 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I can totally relate. Some days I look at myself in the mirror and am amazed at the changes and transformation of losing 155+ pounds. And some days I look at myself and see the batwings and the flabby thighs (which I have been told are a family curse), and I think that I will never be happy seeing myself naked. The hardest part about losing a significant amount of weight is ridding ourselves of our negative self image. You are doing an amazing job and your daughter sees right through to the core of your efforts…which is a true reflection of your success.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Dawn, you have done an awesome job. SO awesome!!! You are an inspiration to me and many others!!

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Lynn June 6, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Your daughter is one smart cookie. She reminds me of mine – wise beyond her years.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Aww thanks Lynn!

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Joyce June 6, 2012 at 4:52 pm

my son was about 16 and I was REALLY stressed about our finances and not sure what I was gonna do. I was a single mom and I was fretting like crazy. He walked away, came back with his bible and read, Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Wow, how did he get so wise (and yet can’t remember to take his dirty glass to the kitchen) 🙂 Children are AMAZING and girl, we are blessed!

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Carrie June 6, 2012 at 6:12 pm

I think you’re pretty fab. But that’s just me.

I’m horrible about pictures. I can be having a great day and be feeling hot. I look in the mirror or take a pic with a friend and I’m all “OH MY GOD GET RID OF THAT!” I can find alllll kinds of stuff to nit pick.

Then I go back to feeling “ick” about me. Which isn’t ever good for anyone.

It’s really sad we’re so hard on ourselves.

I think it’s part of being a woman. It’s not right…but well, neither is the fact cupcakes have calories.

=) Love.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Now THAT Is the real travesty of justice. And I just drove by TWO “cupcake couture” trucks yesterday…WHHHYYYY???? lol

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Holly June 6, 2012 at 6:47 pm

You sure have one smart kid! Learning to love ourselves as is can be a tough job, eh? I have bat wings, too. Wanna start a club?

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm

hahaha…YES let’s start a club…BATGIRLS! rofl

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JC June 6, 2012 at 6:57 pm

All I saw was a pretty girl. Then I started reading and had to go back to check out those disgusting arms; I never did see them. You have a wise child; you are so blessed.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Oh thanks JC!

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Lori June 6, 2012 at 8:31 pm

You have got the most insightful kids. Thanks for sharing their lessons with all of us.
Lori
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Thanks Lori!

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Adelyn June 6, 2012 at 11:47 pm

You have amazing kids!!! You know that right?!?!? And they have an amazing mom!! I was telling a friend the other day that my wish for her and for me is that we could see ourselves through the same eyes that others see us.

That is my wish for you too!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Thank you so much Adelyn!! I totally agree with what you said about wanting to see ourselves through the same eyes the ones we love us see us. Working on it!!

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Kody June 7, 2012 at 6:10 am

WOW that made me cry! Seriously I am balling like a big baby! You have an amazing daughter you should listen to her!! Beautiful!!

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Thank you Kody!!

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Jill June 7, 2012 at 6:02 pm

How blessed you are to have incredible children. You continue to be an inspiration to me.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 7, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Thanks Jill!!

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EmDub June 7, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Ohhhh man. “Batwings”, as a phrase, never gets old. I giggle every time!

And the things your kids say, I feel like only Hollywood movie writers can come up with that! So touching how much people can actually love each other if they let themselves.
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Tanya Doyle June 8, 2012 at 4:41 am

Your post reminded me of how, no matter what good attributes we have, we always seem to zero in on our not-so-good ones. Do you remember that VC Andrews’ book Flowers in the Attic? Say what??? lol, bear with me. That book had one lesson that stuck with me forever. No, not that you shouldn’t marry your brother (but that’s also a good rule to live by). Remember when she finally got away from the attic and was living her new life? It didn’t take long for her to realize that even though things were much better, she still felt inferior to the rest. (Who knew VC Andrews was so deep.) Anyway, that was one crazy example to use, but my point is that WE control how we feel about ourselves. It was great to read about how you were able to turn those thoughts around.

Congrats on a daughter with such good sense…she’s a reflection of you, and not a flaw in sight.

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Aimee June 8, 2012 at 4:47 am

I think I’ve said this before about your daughter, but WOW, she is so wise!! (You know where she got THAT, don’t you?) 😉

BTW, I feel you on the arms. Strength training will help. Because, no, it’s not about how we look, but it is…just a little. Looking our best makes us feel better. It’s why we wear make-up and cute clothes. So, (and I’m reminding myself of this as much as you!) don’t obsess about it, but it’s okay to work on it. I’ve seen a big change in my arms with rowing and increased weight lifting. My upper arms are still flappy, but they fit in shirts today that I couldn’t squeeze into last fall. Slowly but surely…
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Trece Wyman June 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm

The photo of your daughter is lovely, and this is a deeply felt and insightful post. Gosh, I wish you lived nearby!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 10, 2012 at 1:37 am

Thanks Trece!

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