I’m a Liar

June 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

I’m a liar

There I said it

It’s not that I mean to be

But sometimes…I am

Because I wake up

And the first thing that crosses my mind

On certain days

Is….DONUTS

Yep–it still happens

Not as often as it used to

But often enough

I’m taking the kids to school

And suddenly I’ll hear somewhere in the recesses of my mind

“You’re tired and feel a little shaky. Maybe you have low blood sugar.  What you need is a donut”

Other times

“You shouldn’t work out today. What your body needs is a rest day.  You don’t want to overdo it”

And the truth is

That I have built in rest days

A plan that I follow

Unless I’m injured

In which case I modify

But my mind will just say things

Usually when I’m the most vulnerable

Tired, Irritable, Anxious

That’s when it assaults

Fires missiles at me

Thoughts and Feelings that don’t line up with my ultimate goal

Which is weight loss

And before I knew any better

I spent years of my life

Just doing what I felt like

Following my feelings

I mean your feelings don’t lie, right?

But the truth is

That when we live according to what we want

And how we feel

We may end up on the couch with Netflix and a box of pizza

Every single day for the next year

I know I did

Because deep down

Sad as it is to admit

That’s what I want to do

On most any given day

Sleep, lay on the couch, eat, and watch TV

Yep–that’s my fantasy life

Were you expecting white knights and castles?

Or perhaps Magic Mike?

If you haven’t seen the previews for that movie

I’ll just say

Channing Tatum

‘Nuff said

But no

That’s not what I dream about

My fantasy is nothing more than the recliner, remote, a Big Mac, and an endless box of Hostess anything

Sorry to say it’s not that exciting to most

But to ME

That’s what I’d choose to do

If it was left up to me

And many times

I was living out my fantasy every day!

And what a fantasy life it was, right?

417 pounds

Constant physical pain

Avoiding my problems

 

Living the dream!!!!

But not really

But to be any different

You have to fight the lies you tell yourself

Even when they sound realllly convincing

My emotions and feelings are often my #1 Enemy

They may come at me very suddenly out of no where

Fierce and Pushy

Like a bully waiting for me around the corner

To punch me in the face

Because I’m totally fine

Having a good day

And then here it comes

“You have too many things to do today, Holly. There is no time for the gym.  Are you going to be irresponsible?” 

“You’ve lost a lot of weight already.  You’re doing fine right where you are.  Isn’t this good enough?”

One of the best things I ever heard was this

You don’t have to think whatever falls in your brain

Just because it lands there

Doesn’t  mean you have to keep it

What’s safer for me

Is to write down my plan

My goals

My beliefs

The things I know (in my right mind) that I want to live out

And if some tumbleweed thought blows through my head

I can measure it against what I’ve written down

While I was SANE

Because the truth is

You don’t have to be bullied by your thoughts

Snickers and Twix don’t have to own the power

But in order to fight it

You might have to admit

That sometimes you’re a liar

To yourself

That’s why I’ve figured out

That it’s better to exercise first thing in the morning

Before my mind figures out what I’m doing

Because trust me

Once the brain gets wind of the plans I have for the body

It starts lying to me

Cranking out the excuses

And if I might brag a bit

I’m a GOOOOD liar

So I exercise in the morning

Before my brain figures out what I’m doing

 

It’s a crazy thing to realize

That sometimes we have to protect ourselves

From Ourselves

But it’s possible

Because if we let random thoughts control our actions (2 Corinthians 10:5)

We can never have victory

And victory is the goal!

So press on!

Untitled
Taken this weekend–160 lbs down–So watch out 200…I’m coming for ya’!

 

P.S. Thanks to everyone who sent prayers my way for my Nana. You are all AWESOME! She is out of ICU and appears to be on the mend.  She is 90 so I have to mentally prepare myself for what may be to come but for now things are looking up.  And I really appreciate all the encouragement you all give me.  It’s worth more than words could say!

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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }

Staci June 1, 2012 at 3:21 pm

This is a good post for me, especially this morning as I sit here feeling depressed, unmotivated, and stuck in a spinning gerbil wheel that I feel like I will never ever get out of. You look gorgeous, Holly. Keep going. Keep driving past McD’s and the donut shop. Keep gpoing. PS – Thank God for Nana and the much better report. 🙂
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Gerbil wheel!! I know that feeling! perfectly said!

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lap band gal June 1, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I want donuts this morning. Sigh.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

hahaa…resist temptation and it will flee!! OR if all else fails…RUN!!! rofl

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Holly June 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Congratulations on 160 lbs! That’s amazing. I’m a big old liar sometimes, too. You’re absolutely right. In fact, every morning, when my alarm goes off and I think…just 5 more minutes will make me feel so much better…I’m telling a big whopper! I’ve done it with food, exercise, relationship, etc. I intend to be 100% honest, but denial is powerful, baby! Here’s to being brave enough to stay sane ALL THE TIME. Cheers!

Holly (the other one)
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Right on Holly!!! BTW, love your name 🙂
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Carrie June 1, 2012 at 4:32 pm

“…an endless box of Hostess anything.”

I sooooo get that. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have just one day of all that sugary stuff NOT having calories?

Just one day is all I ask.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I know what you mean. Some days I just want to scream….Just one day!! ! lol
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suzanne June 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Congratulations on your awesome loss so far!
Last night twizzlers were calling me from the store across the road. I fought it and fought it and then I went and got the biggest glass of water I could find and drank it. That finally got rid of the cravings for twizzlers.
So glad your nana is doing well.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Woo hoo!! What a victory! Good job and thanks for sharing it. Way to go!!

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Lady Amanda June 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Lookin Good hot mama! Glad to hear that Nana is doing better.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Thanks!!
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EmDub June 1, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Girl, you just described my perfect day too. And Magic Mike – oh yeah! And I think I saw on Yahoo! that today was national donut day. My mind went – ooh, where can I get a donut today?!? Luckily, nothing popped in my head! But exercising first thing in the morning? Hell to the no! haha it’s not impossible for me, I’m just a person with minimal life responsibilities and therefore chose to use my evening hours to exercise and my morning hours to sleep as long as I can!
I’m very glad Nana is better and congrats on 160 lost!
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 9:01 pm

haha..you crack me up!
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Eleanor June 1, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Congrats on 160! Picture seems broken, though.

I love your comment about how you don’t have to keep a thought just because it lands in your brain. I think that is my biggest issue. I keep it and stew over it and integrate it, no matter how unhealthy. I think I will make that my goal this week…make unhealthy thoughts into tumbleweeds and blow them away. 🙂
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I like that Eleanor!! Blow them away!! That’s awesome! I tried to fix picture. Hope it works!

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Beth June 1, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I can’t see the picture Holly, but I am sure you look very beautiful!

I am so pleased to hear that your Nana has improved some; that’s wonderful. I will still keep her in my prayers for continued recovery.

I too used to love Big Macs and Filet o Fish sandwiches from Mcdonalds. Except I am ashamed to say I never ate just one. Sometimes I still wish I could eat like that but I know it wouldn’t make me happy anymore.

Beth

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 1, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Thanks Beth!! I really appreciate your prayers for my Nana!

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Sheila June 1, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Sooooooooo happy about Nana!!!!

And today was something crazy like National Donut Day or something??? So the owner of my company BOUGHT KRISPY KREME DONUTS FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING! What a nice thing to do…NOT!!! I looked at them in the lunchroom, CONTINUED to go and get ice for my water and walked right out on those miserable little things. YAY…VICTORY!!!
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Jane June 2, 2012 at 2:29 am

Love that get up and exercise be for your brain realizes what’s up! I totally do that…If not….well, hey, of all people, you know. So you’re looking awesome(by the way), and I’m very happy for you and I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who’s brain is full of nasty nay-sayer thoughts! Glad I have someone to fight them with. Glad to hear your Nana is fighting and getting stronger.

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Leigh Costa June 2, 2012 at 2:52 am

You look AH-Mazing!!!!! Congratulations on your success:)
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Christina June 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

Congrats on your 160 lbs lost.. that is fantastic.. Been reading a few post of your blog as it is new to me and I have to say both you and your brother are such great inspiration to those in our community. Keep up the great work!

Ohh, and being a year and a half out from RNY my brain does the donut and rest day talk to me often! LOL
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Leigh Costa June 2, 2012 at 11:28 am

I just had to come back and comment again. Thanks for the lovely comments you left me. You are a huge inspiration to me! I have been following your blog for a while, but haven’t commented very often. You write beautifully and I appreciate the honesty you deliver to your readers…and to yourself. I’m hooked and am adding you to my blogroll so I don’t miss a future post. Thanks for sharing your journey with me Holly. You are truly a strong person who has made no excuses regardless of what your circumstances were at the moment. You rock:)
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Adelyn June 3, 2012 at 12:49 am

Go glad your Nana is improving!

I LOVE the idea of exercising before my brain figures out what I am doing! Plus the fact that I don’t have to keep all the thoughts in my head. So true!!
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Jill June 3, 2012 at 1:31 am

WOW! Just discovered your blog and I have to tell you that I have been crying the whole time that I’ve been reading it. Keep up the good work!!

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Mary June 3, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Hi Holly,

I’m not sure how you found my blog, but I am glad you did. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment.

Keep up the good work and press on toward your goal. You are in inspiration!

Mary
http://memyselfandmercy.blogspot.com/
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 3, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Thanks Mary!

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Amanda June 4, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I’m glad your nana is doing well. Mentally, it’s a crazy struggle, isn’t it? Given the option, I would rather laze about my couch all day long. I don’t…anymore…but sometimes it still sounds so much better than getting up and facing the day.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 4, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I know how you feel Amanda!! I used to be one with the couch to the point that I almost had to be surgically removed lol…well in a way I was…!

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Emily a la Blog June 4, 2012 at 10:03 pm

I just noticed something…the voice inside my head trying to sabatoge my willpower is always very kind and soothing, just like yours is. If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that little unhealthy nag was working for me, not against me. It’d be a lot easier to ignore if the voice was rude or mean, but you nailed it. It’s manipulative. “Maybe you have low blood sugar. What you need is a donut!” YEAH! You’re right! I DO! Except…then I’ll crash and feel worse. Wait a sec…this is a TRICK!

I followed you here from Momastery. 🙂 Great blog! Wow! I am so impressed and inspired.
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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 4, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Hi Emily!! Thanks so much for hopping over here .I’m so glad you did. I totally get how you feel!! My inner voice is also a sneak! She is so good I often don’t realize she’s out to pull me into a trainwreck LOL!!!

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Dawn June 5, 2012 at 2:27 am

I have days like this too and even though I am close to my goal I know I will continue to have days for the rest of my life. It is how we deal with the thoughts and push past them that count. It is easy to cheat a little but it always leads to cheating a lot. There are countless times when I am in the middle of a workout where I think to myself, “i’ve done enough” but I push through it and when I am done I tell myself, “you did it” and won’t trade that feeling for anything…even a donut. Keep on rockin’ your sleeve my sleeve sister!
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Jessie June 5, 2012 at 9:02 pm

You look amazing. Good job on not believing the lies! Also, I’m glad to hear your Nana is out of ICU.

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Holly from 300 Pounds Down June 6, 2012 at 3:29 am

Thanks Jessie!!

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Amber November 7, 2014 at 6:24 am

Hi there lovely woman!

You’re such an inspiration…wow! Ik started out at 357lbs and now I’m 299. Because of my bad eating habits I’ve developed several severe food allergies. So now I can only eat healthy and I need to be really carefully. I appreciate food more now, bake my own bread and think about everything I put in my mouth.
I also started excercising.
I will follow your blog, because you’re such an inspiration.

Lots of love & hugs

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